They sat in front of me like nervous school children with their heads lowered. They cleared their throats and shuffled their feet. He began to gaze at the books on my bookshelf. I asked them why they had come to see me.
Deborah said, “I can’t communicate with him. I think we have a big communication problem. He doesn’t hear me.”
“And do you think you have a communication problem?” I asked Stan.
“No,” Stan replied. “I’m pretty happy actually. I think she’s making a big deal out of nothing.”
Hmmm.
“Can you tell me what a typical evening is like in your home?” I asked.
Stan said, “Well, when I come home from work, I’m pretty tired. We eat dinner while we watch the news. Then, I check sports stats on the computer. She puts our five-year-old, Paula, to sleep. I don’t really have energy for much else.”
Deborah interjected: “He never even seems excited to see me—or Paula for that matter. I can’t get his attention. He doesn’t listen to me—his eyes just glaze over even though I have stuff to tell him. And then he goes to the computer and that’s it for the night.”
I sat back and said to them both, “I think what you really have is a connection problem.”
While almost every couple I ever work with at some point tell me that they have trouble communicating, often what they mean is that they have trouble connecting. Connection is a feeling of powerful closeness. It generates the energy of togetherness as you go through life. From that place, communication evolves naturally.
This section of the book offers a specific selection of core connection-building habits (Chapter 3) and habits of physical affection (Chapter 4). Both will deepen and enrich your relationship.