Was there a time when you felt you could tell your partner anything? He was so easy to talk to then … she really listened to you and was curious.
Generally most couples can remember a time when they felt they could communicate effortlessly with each other. It was part of the chemistry that created the initial bond. But all too easily the sense of mutual discovery can give way to communicating about bills, kids, work, projects around the house, and extended-family commitments.
When a couple tells me that they cannot communicate, usually what they mean is that they argue frequently, can’t be honest with each other, don’t feel heard, and/or don’t feel valued in the relationship. In other words, simple interactions begin to lack warmth, courtesy, and kindness. When this unhealthy dynamic continues, virtually every conversation becomes unsatisfying and so, not surprisingly, couples begin to spend less time together.
However, it is possible to learn the skills to hear and be heard once again. Further, it’s possible to ingrain these skills through adopting habits of communication. Having laid the groundwork of connection, along with brushing up on a few skills, it is possible to work together as a couple.
This section of the book will help you build a pattern of more effective communication, both when you’re spending time alone together on a date (Chapter 5) and even when you’re in the midst of a conflict (Chapter 6).