As we saw in Chapter 27, the way you handle yourself matters in business: Exhibiting demeaning behaviors or a superior attitude can and will have a powerfully negative effect on the way your colleagues view you. When it comes to everyday manners, the impact is more subtle—but here, too, the judgments that others make about you can mean the difference between your success or failure.
Men are not supposed to treat a woman any differently than they would another man. Personally, I’ve never held a chair for a man—and in fact, proper business etiquette says that a man should not hold the chair for a woman. The problem men face here is that many women—at least many of those who responded to our survey—still want a man to hold a chair for them at a work-related social dinner. Suddenly, this black-and-white rule becomes murky gray.
The key to solving any business etiquette dilemma is to apply the principles of etiquette in a thoughtful way: At a casual business lunch, I would follow the standard guideline and refrain from holding the chair for a female colleague. If I’m seated next to a female colleague at an elegant business dinner, as we approach our chairs I will look over at her and ask, “May I get your chair for you?” Now I’ve made it her choice, and she can respond in whatever way makes her feel most comfortable: “No, thank you, I’m all set,”—or “Why, yes, Peter. Thank you.”
Rather than simply holding the chair and risking offending my coworker, consideration requires me to ask her what her preference is. By asking this question, I acknowledged the guideline in a way that made both of us feel comfortable—and that is what etiquette is all about.
Mr. or Ms.?
When you start a new job, one of the first issues you’ll face as a new employee is how you should address your colleagues. Watch, listen, and learn. Be an observer of human behavior—then emulate what you see others doing. If everyone else calls your boss Ms. Smith, the odds are very good that you should do the same. Don’t be shy about asking your coworkers for advice. When in doubt, it’s always better to defer to the formal when addressing administrative staff or anyone senior to you, and wait to be invited to use a first name.
ETIQUETTE IMPERATIVE
Workplace Cultures
Every workplace you enter is a new culture with its own rules. Your job is to learn these rules and work within them.
Whatever the situation, if you are unsure of what to do, watch the people around you for clues and follow their lead.
Gossip
Wherever men and women gather for work, tongues will wag. People talk behind other people’s backs in every office—so why shouldn’t you get in on the act, too?
Here’s why: Gossip creates hard feelings. Hard feelings and the other distractions stemming from rude behavior at the workplace lower employee morale. Productivity takes a hit, and employee retention can suffer. Ultimately, all these factors drive down profits, and if profits go south, you’re going to feel it in your pocketbook—or worse.
So make a pact with yourself: Don’t gossip.
If you see others gossiping, what should you do? At the very least, refuse to participate by leaving the conversation at once. Or you can go one step better, by letting the group know how you feel: “Hey, let’s back off. Please.” Then change the subject: “Anyway, I’m more interested in whether anyone saw the Yankees blow that three-run lead and lose to the Red Sox. Can you believe they did that?”
Cubicle Etiquette
Cubicles are here to stay. As an effective way for businesses to maximize the value of office space, they’re unbeatable. But while a cubicle offers a modicum of privacy, it’s not the same as having an office with a door that you can shut. The problems that occur in cubicles usually have to do with this lack of a private space. These include the following:
NOISE. The background hum in an open office is bad enough. When you add loud conversations (either in person or over the phone), you have a recipe for real frustration. Noise interferes with a person’s ability to work. While you can’t do much about the normal background noise in your area, you can work to keep the noise you generate to a minimum by lowering your voice and using headphones when listening to music.
CONVERSATIONS. A short Q & A session with a colleague is fine—but a longer consultation or a group discussion should be taken to a conference room, an available private office, or the break room. If private space is not available, you and your visitor(s) will need to learn to talk quietly.
PHONE VOICE. Make a conscious effort to lower your voice. Men, in particular, tend to talk louder than normal when they get on a phone.
SPEAKERPHONES. See Chapter 27, Office Communications.
PERSONAL PHONE CALLS. See Chapter 8, Telephone Communication.
BURPS, SLURPS, SMACKS. Smacking gum, burping, slurping coffee—these noises travel and are offensive to others. A quick nose blow is okay, but if you have to clear your sinuses and need to go at it with gusto, take it to the restroom.
THE CUBICLE WALL. The neat thing about cubicles is how easy they make it for a person to pop his head above the cubicle wall and interject himself into a conversation in the next cubicle. Don’t. Instead, walk around and enter your neighbor’s cubicle through the entrance, as you would an office. Otherwise, it looks like you’re eavesdropping. I realize it can be hard to intentionally ignore a conversation in the next cubicle—but it’s your responsibility to show respect for other people’s privacy by not jumping up and showing them that you’ve been listening in.
The Unisex Restroom
- The office should decide on seat up or down, then leave it that way.
- Keep the door shut and locked when in use.
- Leave it immaculate for the next person.
Gifts
The only appropriate way for employees to give a gift to a manager is as a group. Otherwise, acknowledge the birthday on the day in question by saying, “Happy Birthday.” And, if you want, give him a birthday card.
Holiday gift giving is another source of workplace angst. Should you buy a gift for everyone in your office? Answer: no. Offices usually have a tradition of some kind about holiday gifts, such as the Secret Santa or Yankee Swap with gift values held to a small dollar amount.
It’s fine to go ahead and give a gift to one or two people you’re especially close to, but do the gift giving in private, out of the sight and hearing of other employees. Remember, your goal is to show your appreciation to a specific person.
Finally, just because you give someone a gift, don’t expect one in return.
Gum Chewing
I’m surprised by the number of times I get asked, “What do I do with my gum when I arrive at a meeting?” My first thought is, “What were you doing arriving at a meeting (or a dinner or a lunch) with gum in your mouth?”
Quiet gum chewing is perfectly acceptable at your desk when you are alone and not talking on the phone as long as your company doesn’t have a “no gum” policy. But the moment someone joins you to have a conversation, discreetly lose the gum. The moment your phone rings, get rid of the gum. As you get up to leave your desk to meet a person or attend a meeting or event, wrap and toss the gum in your wastebasket as you leave.
If you make the mistake of actually arriving with gum in your mouth, either excuse yourself to the restroom where you can dispose of it or swallow it.
The Kitchen and Food
We have had three kitchen wars at my advertising agency. Each one was over a different issue, and each one almost resulted in the kitchen being shut down for good.
The first war involved food theft. Someone’s leftovers disappeared one day and that person was not happy. The guideline here is really simple: What’s yours is yours—and what’s not yours, you leave alone.
The second war was over the refrigerator. Some food containers had been left in there so long that they’d started taking on a life of their own. Solution: We asked everyone to be vigilant about removing any old lunches or snacks. Everyone’s gotten better about this, and we still have a refrigerator.
The third war was over the dirty plates and glasses left in the sink. It boggles my imagination as to how this could even be a problem. Where’s the ambiguity here? You use a plate or a glass, you bring it to the sink, you wash it, you dry it, and you put it away.
The Watercooler
A quick work break is a great thing. It’s an opportunity to stretch your legs, shake out the cobwebs, and recharge yourself. But there are some problems that can arise, especially if you have a couple of coworkers who are in the habit of taking a break at the same time you do.
BREAKING TOO OFTEN: Taking a break once in the morning and once in the afternoon makes sense. Taking a break every fifteen minutes, however, will quickly mark you as a shirker.
BREAKING TOO LONG: Be careful—a ten-minute break can suddenly grow into a half-hour break. Then, before you know it, tongues are wagging and managers are scowling.
INAPPROPRIATE CONVERSATION: An increasing number of companies now have rules outlining appropriate and inappropriate topics for office conversation. Jokes may be acceptable in one company and taboo in another. Gossiping is never acceptable. The same goes for trash-talking the company and/or its policies. Instead, focus on “safe” subjects such as movies, sports, entertainment, and music. And if the conversation veers where it shouldn’t, excuse yourself and head back to work.
People who don’t wash often enough, or who don’t use a deodorant and consequently smell unpleasant, are hurting their opportunity to have good relationships with colleagues and negatively impacting their chances for promotion. The easiest way to deal with the problem is to wash regularly—once a day—and use a deodorant, preferably one with little or no scent. Fresh clothes each day are another must. At the very least, give your shirt or other clothes the sniff test—and be honest with yourself about the results.
The other big problem area involves scents—cologne, perfume, or scented deodorants. Splashing on the cologne or perfume might make heads turn when you walk by—but maybe for the wrong reason. In fact, many organizations now have “no-scent” policies.
ETIQUETTE IMPERATIVE
What to Wear
If people focus on your clothes rather than on you, then you’ve chosen the wrong clothes to wear.
Clothing is a difficult issue. What you consider to be casually appropriate, your boss may consider to be inappropriate. When you’re dressing for work, keep this point in mind: If there’s a company dress policy and your clothes breach that policy, then people will focus on your clothes, not on you.
If you wear a pair of jeans and a collarless shirt to the office and everyone else is wearing a coat and tie, your clothes will make you stand out. If you wear a three-piece suit to an interview, on the other hand, and the people interviewing you are all wearing polo shirts and khakis, then they may be distracted by your clothes, and not focus on you.
To help you dress for success, including the tricky distinction between business casual and business professional attire, here are some guidelines:
PROFESSIONAL
ACCEPTABLE
Suits—three-piece, two-piece, two-buttoned or three-buttoned, vest (optional)
Blazers or sports jacket
Slacks
Dress shirts or Oxford-style button-down collars with tie
Dark socks
Oxfords, wingtips, or dress loafers
Overcoats or raincoat
NOT ACCEPTABLE
Loud colors or bold patterns
Wearing a spread collar without a tie
Athletic shoes
White socks
Fur coats
Showy belt buckles
Visible gold chains or flashy jewelry
CASUAL
ACCEPTABLE
Blazers or sports jacket
Shirts—Oxford-style button-down collars, tie optional
Turtleneck shirts
Short-sleeved, collared knit polo shirts
Khaki slacks
V-neck or crewneck sweaters
Informal ties
Dark socks
Loafers or other comfortable shoes
NOT ACCEPTABLE
T-shirts with slogans, sayings, or cartoons
Torn or worn-out jeans
Anything too shiny or too tight
Sandals
Tank tops
Shorts
Does Business Casual Mean
That I Can Wear Jeans and a T-Shirt?
The issue of whether jeans are allowed or not is determined by the policy of each individual workplace. In some places jeans are fine, and in others they are not. It is never acceptable, however, to wear jeans that are torn, have holes in them, are stained, are too tight, and/or are very worn out. This applies to both men and women.
The same guidelines apply to T-shirts: In some companies, for example, wearing the company T-shirt with a logo is perfectly acceptable, but that’s all. If T-shirts are allowed at your office, your shirts should always be clean, in good condition, and slogan free.