The strongest principle of growth lies in the human choice.
—GEORGE ELIOT
I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The bad news is, if you want a happy and loving relationship, you're going to have to give something up: your insistence on being right. When you insist on being right, what you indirectly communicate to your partner is that she is wrong. You simply can't insist on being right (a form of blame) and have intimacy. Believe me, I've tried. It's like trying to have complete darkness and light in the same room. The good news is, if you're willing to let go of being right, you can easily experience plenty of love, harmony, and fulfillment in your relationship.
Conflict is inevitable between people. There is no getting around it. But conflict is not the problem. When handled effectively, difficulties can bring two people closer together. In fact, it would be nearly impossible for deeper intimacy to develop between partners without the aid of an occasional conflict. What really tears couples apart is blame. Blame, or the insistence on being right and making one's partner wrong, is like a slow-acting poison. It can gradually creep into the entire way couples talk to each other—until all the love once shared becomes completely polluted.
Since couples' problems stem largely from their need to be right, let's look at this phenomenon more closely. When in a blame mode, all you know is that you are being more than fair, while your partner is being totally unreasonable. In desperation, you present clear-cut evidence to show him just how wrong he really is. I guess we all secretly hope that one day, after stating our case, our mate will say something like the following: “Gee, I finally see what you've been trying to tell me! I've been totally wrong, and you've been right all along! I am so sorry I've hurt you. Could you please forgive me for the errors of my ways?” Have you ever had someone sincerely say that to you? Nor have I. Clearly, the blame game does not ultimately get us what we want.
There are many ways to have a good relationship, but there's only one thing going on in bad relationships—blame. Unfortunately, when we insist on being right, everything we say will come out wrong. Since blame never works, when you strongly feel you're right, the first thing you need to do is dramatically change your attitude. If you don't, your partner's blame detector will soon be triggered, and then you'll have a real mess on your hands.
What can we do to communicate effectively when we're upset, frustrated, and certain we're right? Over the years, I've experimented with ways I can quickly get myself out of the blame mode and into a state of mind conducive to loving communication. After much trial and error, I finally came up with two methods that work for me and the many people I've taught them to. The first technique is a series of three simple questions I ask myself when I think my partner is primarily to blame for whatever is going on in our relationship:
For small and even medium-sized upsets, these three questions are very effective for changing how you feel. Once you feel differently, you can much more easily communicate in a way that leads back to intimacy. Let's look at each of these questions more closely. When you ask, “What is likely to happen if I insist on being right?” your mind should turn to think of the pain and failure you'll experience from being in the blaming mode. Depending on how you and your partner tend to handle such situations, you'll likely end up arguing with each other or giving each other the dreaded silent treatment. Neither feels very good.
Question number two asks, “Would I like to feel loved or be right?” This is not a trick question. In that moment, you may well prefer to be right. If that's the case, I would suggest you avoid saying anything—until you no longer feel that way. If you say anything, it will almost surely lead to an argument. Of course, it's okay to insist on being right and speak your mind. I still do that on occasion. But when I do, I'm not surprised by the miserable results I invariably have to endure.
If and when you're too angry to let go of being right, and just being silent with your anger doesn't feel like an option, there are a couple of things you can do. First, you can do what infants do—go have a temper tantrum. I'm serious. Young kids yell and beat the floor when they're really upset, and then after a couple of minutes of a tantrum, they're fine again. Once all the anger has been expressed, they feel good. Adults can achieve the same results by going into a separate room and beating the pillows on their bed for a couple of minutes. It feels good to let loose one's anger in a safe environment. By the time you're done, you'll feel more relaxed again and be able to communicate appropriately with your partner. If a tantrum on your bed isn't your style, in chapter 5 I have two more methods for effectively dealing with your feelings of anger, righteousness, and upset.
The one thing you must avoid is the one thing most couples do: They express anger and blame directly toward their partner. Admittedly, about one in a hundred people doesn't mind being yelled at. But the rest of us don't like it at all. It almost always leads to resentment, defensiveness, hurt, an escalation of the immediate problem you're dealing with, and a buildup of bad feelings that will create even more problems later on. I've seen couples who spend their entire relationship reacting to and recovering from their partner's anger. Like a bad Three Stooges movie, they spend most their time trying to inflict pain upon their mate—as a way of getting back at their partner for something she did to them. It's a sad sight to behold, and definitely a situation you want to avoid.
If you use the three questions before things get out of hand, you can tame the “blame monster” when it's small. If your feelings aren't so intense that you need to tantrum, and you realize you'd rather feel loved than be right, you're ready for the third question: “What is something I especially like about my partner?” Why ask such a question? Because your ability to communicate effectively with your partner is dependent on how you feel toward him or her. Even if you say the right words, if you're secretly blaming her, her blame detector will still be triggered (they can be darn sensitive), and her ears will completely turn off. On the other hand, if you dredge up some semblance of caring for your mate, she'll pick up on it, even if your words aren't just right. The easiest way to get back to feeling connected with your partner is to ask, and then do your best to answer the question, “What is something I especially like about my partner?”
For example, recently my partner, Helena, and I were scheduled to go to a business party in which I was going to be the speaker. Since Helena is frequently late for such things, I gave her several reminders as to when we had to leave. It didn't help. She was still not ready at the appointed time, and I was really upset. By the time we finally left, I was rushed, annoyed, and above all, absolutely right! I told her how upset I was, which simply served to trigger her blame detector and make her defensive. This just made me even more annoyed. Then, I remembered the three questions. I've listed the questions, along with the answers I thought of so you can better see how this method works:
By this time, I feel a trickle of love penetrating my heart. As I continue driving, I reach my right hand over and place a single finger on her hand. She places a single finger on my finger, and our two fingers interlock. We both sit like this, silent. Neither of us wants to make the next move—since that would require letting go of being right. But after a minute or so, the desire to melt back into a place of love grabs both of us. Simultaneously, we take each other's hand warmly into our own. We smile, and the anger is gone. We look warmly into each other's eyes and giggle. Helena says she is sorry she was late. I say I'm sorry I got upset. As we continue our drive to the party, we're in love again. In fact, we're like newlyweds. At the party, we have a great time, and the speech goes really well.
It can be hard to remember what you like about your partner when he does something you resent. Therefore, before the next time you get angry at your mate, it is helpful to create a list of several things you really appreciate about them. In fact, try it right now. Think of specific times your sweetie did something that really touched you. Then, the next time you feel your partner is to blame for whatever is going on, you'll be able to remember something you appreciate about her. As you remember and picture these things, your mood will change. You'll soften. Your partner will notice and respond to your new mood by being more open to you.
I've created an acronym that can help you remember the three questions whenever you need them: WILL WISE. It can help to think that going from being upset to being loving takes an act of will, and that such an act will make you wise. Following, I've capitalized and/or underlined the key letters that lead to the acronym:
As you can see, the first two questions both use the acronym WILL, while the third question uses the acronym WISE. If, upon answering question number two you realize you would rather be right than feel love, again my advice is that you don't say anything. In this state of mind, anything you say can and will be used against you by your mate. Instead, use the methods for dealing with big upsets outlined in the next chapter or go into a separate room and have a tantrum (hitting your pillows). After you've had a tantrum, you may be ready to let go of your need to be right. Ask again, “Would I like to feel loved or be right?” By then, your answer may have changed. If it has, proceed to question three so you can emotionally connect with your partner.
In seminars I lead on communication, people often ask me, “But what do you do if your partner really is the one at fault? For example, what if an alcoholic man comes home drunk and beats up on his wife?” First of all, most real-life situations are not this clear-cut. Yet, even in a situation like this, blame may seem like a reasonable response, but it's never truly useful for getting the results one wants. In this example, if the wife blames her husband for his behavior, he's likely to become even more violent or more drunk. But if she can sidestep the blame game and stay in a centered state of mind, she'll be more able to deal with the situation in a harmonious manner. She may well decide she needs to leave him because he's an alcoholic, or she may decide to call the police to protect herself. Yet, if she performs these actions without resorting to blaming him, she will more likely achieve a better result than if she insists on adding fuel to the fire.
Since the tendency to feel you're right and the other person is wrong is so strong, it's helpful to take a minute to really convince yourself that blame never works. Think back to times in the past in which you blamed a partner for something. Did insisting on being right ever help the situation—or did it just push your partner further away? How about when partners of your past blamed you? Did that ever make you feel more intimate and cooperative with them? If you're like most people, when you review blame's “track record,” it's pretty easy to see that it always interferes with true intimacy.
The second method for getting out of the blame mode is to turn it on its head. By that, I mean focus on how you are partly or largely responsible for the troubling situation you find yourself in. As you can probably guess, this can be hard to do when you're positive your partner is fully at fault. Yet, I have found that one particular question has consistently helped my clients and me to sneak past the tendency to feel that we're fully right—and our partner is 100 percent wrong. The question is: “How might I have contributed to the situation we have here?”
I love this question. It seems like a harmless question at first, but like a computer virus, it can quickly disrupt the brain's programmed way of finding fault with your mate. When I find myself upset at my partner (or anyone else), I take a moment to ask this simple question. The results are often miraculous. Recently, I got upset at Helena for failing to pick up a package for me at the post office. I reminded her (twice!) that day to do it, and she promised she would. Later that day, when I found out she “forgot,” I became “drunk” with self-righteousness. Knowing that such feelings don't lead to a loving relationship, I asked myself, “How might I have contributed to the situation we have here?”
Frequently, when I ask myself this question, the first thing my mind comes up with is “I didn't do anything wrong.” Then it methodically rehashes all the reasons I am completely faultless and my partner is completely at fault. I've come to expect this tactic of my mind, so I try not to take it so seriously. Once my internal rant has run its course, I ask myself the question again. This time, I try to answer it in a theoretical way: How might I have contributed? In any situation, there could be endless ways one might have contributed. If at all possible, I try to come up with three possibilities—even if I really don't believe them. Often, my initial answers are very general or seem pretty insignificant. Yet, as I reflect on my answers a bit more, I find that my self-righteousness and confidence in my innocence begins to wane. Here's how my mind worked through the “contribution question” on this occasion:
How might I have contributed to the situation we have here? Let's see, I need three possibilities. This isn't going to be easy. After all, I reminded her twice to pick up the package. What more could I have done? Wait, that's not a helpful question to ask. The question is how might I have contributed? Well, I could have written a note and put it in her car—but I was in too much of a hurry to do that. I guess I wasn't thinking of how much she had to do today. Nor did I ask her. Also, I haven't really been focused on her needs lately. So maybe she feels resentful. If I were more attentive to meeting her needs, she'd probably be more attentive to meeting mine.
By the time I had come up with three ways I may have contributed to the situation at hand, all my blame had drained out. Instead of anger and self-righteousness, I felt understanding and compassion. From such feelings, it was easy to have a heartfelt discussion about what had happened, and how to prevent such mishaps in the future.
The simple question “How might I have contributed to the situation we have here?” can literally transform your relationship. It not only weeds out the destructive feelings of anger and self-righteousness, but it can also lead to important insights to improve your relationship. Once you become aware of how your behavior affects your partner, you can begin to change the things that no longer work for you.
You now have two practical methods for helping get past the tendency to blame. But what if your partner starts blaming you? Showing your mate how she is wrong for blaming you is counterproductive, and it violates the principle you're suggesting she follow. As I mentioned in chapter 1, when your mate blames you, the best thing you can do is to acknowledge her experience—which is different than agreeing with her. The simple act of validating her experience may totally shift the energy in your interaction. Remember, your true goal is to get your mate back on the same team as you. As long as either of you blame the other, you're acting as if you're on different teams. Yet, intimacy results from acting as if you both belong to the same team, and you both have the same goal—to feel loved and accepted. In later chapters, I'll provide additional ways to get back on the same team with your mate once blame has taken hold.
Letting go of the tendency to blame is not an easy thing to do. You will surely make mistakes. Yet, since blame never works, you can count on your partner to remind you when you're stuck on being right (you'll notice their blame detector has been triggered). If you notice your partner getting defensive or not hearing you, immediately ask yourself the questions discussed in this chapter before you say another word. These questions will help you change how you feel toward your partner. As your feelings change, you'll notice something amazing: Your mate can really hear you when you let go of your need to be right. And when your partner begins to really hear you, true intimacy can be restored.
1. Intimacy requires that we let go of being right and let go of blaming our partner. When we blame our partner, their blame detector is triggered, and they can't hear anything we say.
2. To get out of the blame mode, ask yourself: What is likely to happen if I insist on being right? Would I like to feel loved or be right? What is something I especially like about my partner?
3. Another way to get out of blaming your partner is to ask yourself the question, “How might I have contributed to the situation we have here?” Come up with at least three possibilities to help you let go of your annoyance and self-righteousness.
The next time you see that you're slightly upset at your partner, ask yourself the four questions discussed in this chapter. Attempt to feel the answer to each question, as opposed to simply answering them on an intellectual level. When you answer these questions to yourself, notice if it helps you to avoid blaming your partner. Notice if it helps you to feel differently and/or communicate in a more loving manner.