When you come right down to it, how many people speak the same language even when they speak the same language?
—RUSSELL HOBAN
I'm waiting for the day when a couple tells me, “Jonathan, we really understand and listen to each other very well. That's why we're here and on the verge of divorce.” It hasn't happened yet. The most common complaint I hear in my office is “My partner doesn't really listen to me.” People yearn to be heard and understood. It makes them feel acknowledged, appreciated, and accepted. Yet, most people think it's their partner's lack of listening that's the problem, instead of their own lack of speaking skills. No matter how poor a listener you think your partner is, it's possible to speak to him in a way that practically guarantees he will understand you.
Before discussing how to get your partner to understand you and your feelings, let's look at how to teach your partner not to hear you. If you were a scientist trying to train your partner to never fully hear you, this is what would be most effective: First, you'd begin by nagging your partner about unimportant issues. Then, when he didn't respond, you'd repeat what you said—only louder. Your partner would then be conditioned to believe that everything you said, even with a loud voice, was unimportant. Your increasing dissatisfaction with his behavior would show him that nothing good ever comes from your mouth and that tuning you out is justifiable.
Unfortunately, this approach to training a person to ignore you is exactly what happens to many couples. Luckily, there are remedies to this condition. As you practice these new ways of speaking, you'll find your partner's listening skills seem to miraculously improve. The first method for speaking so you'll be better understood involves learning to speak in metaphors.
Metaphors are simple phrases that help us understand an experience or situation by linking it to something we already are familiar with. For example, when someone says “My relationship is like a battlefield,” it helps us to quickly and graphically understand what their relationship is like. By using metaphors to describe your experience to your partner, you help him or her to understand you—both intellectually and emotionally.
Ron came to see me because he felt that everyone, including his wife, Margaret, didn't understand him. After ten minutes of hearing his complaints, I noticed I was becoming bored and started to tune him out. As he spoke in a monotone about how no one gave him any respect, I found myself unable to hold back a much-needed yawn. Not exactly good timing. I decided to teach him the magic of metaphors.
The first thing I asked Ron was, “What do you want your wife to understand about you?” Ten minutes later I still hadn't received an answer to my question—and I was doing more yawning than listening. So I asked a different question: “In a single sentence, what do you want your wife to understand about you?” He thought about it for a moment and said, “I want her to understand that her criticism really hurts and that I need her encouragement.” With a sense of relief, I said, “Great! Here's what you do: Think of a time your wife felt badly hurt in her life—possibly due to being criticized or rejected in some manner. Then, think of a time she got some form of positive feedback that really made a big difference to her. Perhaps it was a promotion or a surprise party or a really nice gift of some kind.”
Ron took a minute to come up with the information I requested. He told me that Margaret's first husband, Paul, left her for another woman, and upon walking out the door said, “I don't think you could ever love a man.” That hurt. Even after many years, she still remembered her former husband's parting words to her. On the positive side, Ron remembered how his wife reacted to an unexpected gift he bought her. She was visibly happy for weeks. With this information in hand, I suggested Ron tell his wife the following:
“Honey, when you criticize me it makes me feel like how you felt when Paul criticized you right before he left you. It hurts me that much and makes me feel hopeless. What I would like is more of your encouragement. In fact, when you say positive things to me, it feels like the time I bought you that necklace you love. It makes me want to succeed. Just like what happened with the necklace, it gives me a sense of pride and confidence.”
When Ron expressed these words to his wife, he was amazed at the response. His wife got teary-eyed when she realized how much she had been hurting him. She immediately began encouraging him and even bought him a beautiful new suit he had been wanting. Ron was so surprised at the results achieved by this new way of speaking that he thought I had secretly called his wife and told her how to react! Yet, as he practiced “metaphor magic” with other people in his life, he realized no trick was needed on my part.
In order to practice this method, I've created a simple way to create metaphors that will help you be better heard and more clearly understood:
As always, do your best to translate my formula into your own words. You might find it helpful to write down exactly what you plan to say to your partner before you actually say it.
In the previous formula, I showed how you can create a metaphor to help your partner understand your feelings. However, to be fully understood it's important that your mate also understand what you want. Following is a fourstep formula for creating metaphors to tell your partner what you desire:
If you're with a relatively new partner, you may not know enough of their history to create a metaphor based on their experience. In such cases, you can simply create generic metaphors. Generic metaphors are phrases that almost everyone can understand. The example I used about the relationship being like a battlefield is a good example. A person does not need to be a veteran in order to comprehend the dynamics of such a relationship. You can create metaphors for almost any experience or desire you want to communicate. All you need to do is compare one thing to another. Following, I've listed a dozen metaphors you might find helpful to use, but feel free to create your own as the need arises.
Metaphors to Express Negative Feelings:
Metaphors to Express Positive Feelings:
You've probably noticed that many of these metaphors seem rather dramatic. In this day and age of TV and actionpacked movies, you need to be dramatic for people to fully hear you. After all, you're literally competing with sixty channels of TV for your partner's attention! By using metaphors when you speak, you'll be training your partner to listen to you with more empathy and interest. And, as they say, half the battle of good communication is being heard.
I'm always asking other counselors for their best techniques for helping couples. My friend Barbara ReinerYaffee offered me this next technique, and I've found it to be quite helpful in having couples effectively hear each other. It's called “You've Got It.” The instructions are simple. When you really want to make sure your partner hears you accurately, ask him or her if they'd be willing to play the “You've Got It” game. If they say no, then you know it's not a good time to say something important—try again at another time. But, if they agree to play, proceed to say whatever it is you want to communicate. Be as thorough as possible. Make sure you include what you feel and what you want. Once you're finished speaking, ask your partner “What did you hear me say?” His job is to simply express back to you, in his own words, his understanding of what you said.
If you have ever played “Telephone” as a kid, you know “You've Got It” is more challenging than it initially sounds. If you remember, in “Telephone,” someone whispers a story to a friend, who then proceeds to pass it on to someone else. By the time the last person says the story out loud for everyone to hear, it often has no resemblance to the original tale. To prevent such fabrications in “You've Got It,” there is a single simple rule: The game isn't over until you feel your partner has accurately heard and understood what you said. When she convinces you she understood what you said, you excitedly state, “You've got it!” Then, take a break to congratulate yourselves—you deserve it.
The way this game typically goes in real life is not unlike “Telephone.” It's helpful to keep your sense of humor close at hand. Be sure not to interrupt your partner as he feeds back what he thinks you said—even when he makes errors. Simply wait for him to finish and say, “You didn't quite get it.” Then proceed to repeat the part you feel he didn't say or understand accurately. Continue this dialogue with your partner until you can truthfully say, “You've got it!”
For your amusement and information, I've included an edited transcript of a couple playing this game in my office:
Mary: I've been feeling like we never spend any quality time together anymore. You're either watching TV or doing some work project. We don't even watch TV together. It's like we pass each other in the night. Even on weekends, we seem busy all the time. You're either taking Scottie to Little League or going fishing with him. Where's the time for us?
Ralph: You feel I'm too busy, and I'm spending too much time with Scottie. You'd like for me to do more stuff with you—such as go to a movie or watch TV together.
Mary: (trying not to laugh) That's not quite it. I think it's great you and Scottie are doing things together; that's wonderful. It's just that I miss sharing special time alone with you.
Ralph: You want to have more alone time with me— maybe get a babysitter for Scottie and have fun on the town.
Mary: That's not quite it. I don't want more activities; I want to have quiet time alone with you. I want more intimacy and sharing.
Ralph: I hear you'd like to spend some quality time each week just talking, without any distractions, in an intimate setting. You want to share more special moments together, and you find it frustrating when that doesn't happen.
Mary: Honey, you've got it!
Ralph: Good, I'm going to go out and play poker with some buddies. You want to come? ( Just kidding.)
A couple of precautions. First, don't play this game if you're angry. If you're angry, you might never say “You've got it.” If you're really upset, turn to chapter 5 and use those methods instead. Second, don't play this game for every little thing you want to communicate. Your partner will resent it if you do. Rather, use it for truly important communications or when other attempts at being understood just aren't working. As an emergency method of being heard and understood, the “You've Got It” game is hard to beat.
Another metaphor I've found useful in helping couples is that of a “listening investment.” What is an investment? It's something you give time and/or money to, in hopes it will pay off profitably in the future. When you invest your attention in listening fully and with empathy to your partner, it usually creates dividends in the future. Your partner secretly keeps score as to how much and how well you've listened to her and, in most cases, will give you roughly the same amount in return. Listening is a way that helps your partner feel acknowledged, and it can be one of the most giving things you can do for the person you love.
We've talked about how to help your partner to hear and understand you, but how can you better understand and listen to your partner? After all, he probably doesn't speak in metaphors. Perhaps, on occasion, he's downright boring or confusing to listen to. However poorly he communicates, somehow you need to demonstrate that you respect and understand him—or you won't have any “dollars” in your listening account.
Couples sometimes become cheap in their willingness to invest in listening to their partner. This can create the experience of two people talking and no one listening. More commonly, it leads to the problem of partners who constantly interrupt each other. When you interrupt, what you're saying to the other person on a nonverbal level is “What you have to say is so predictable and such a waste of time that it's not worth my waiting a few seconds, and what I have to say is so important that, in order to not waste my precious time, I'm going to cut you off.” If you remember you really are giving your partner this message every time you interrupt, it will motivate you to avoid interrupting in the future. When partners interrupt each other in my office, I quickly stop them and have them repeat after me: “What you have to say is so predictable and such a waste of time that it's not worth my waiting a few seconds, and what I have to say is so important that, in order to not waste my precious time, I'm going to cut you off.” After a few times of saying that, they realize how negative a message they convey when they interrupt their mate.
In addition to interrupting each other, I have found the most common mistake people make is immediately invalidating what their partner says. For example, if your partner says, “It seems like we never have fun anymore,” how would you respond? Often, our first reaction is to get defensive and show how that's not true, but such a response would surely make your partner feel he's not really being listened to. In chapter 1 I talked about the importance of acknowledging your partner's reality, even if you don't agree with it. But, to be a superior listener, you need to take one more step. You need to ask questions that help you fully understand your partner's perspective and feelings. When your partner says something that sounds untrue or outlandish to you, instead of getting angry or defensive, get curious. Try to find the details of how he has created his view of reality. I have found the following four questions to be particularly useful in understanding other people's feelings and point of view:
When asking these questions, it's important to refrain from saying them in an accusatory manner. You're simply trying to better understand your mate's point of view. If your partner answers these questions in a blaming way, first acknowledge their pain. Seek to understand—instead of trying to justify yourself.
After I ask my clients these questions, I generally feel like I really understand what's going on with them. More importantly, they feel like I understand them. As I listen to their responses, I usually say nothing other than, “Uh huh, I see.” Inside my head I might be thinking they are totally crazy to react in such a manner, but I don't say that out loud. In fact, when people feel they are really understood, they can usually let go of their negative feelings and return to a state of harmony and love.
Not long ago, I was seeing a new client whom I knew nothing about. Before she arrived, I sat down to meditate for awhile. By the time my client, Julie, arrived I was having a very hard time focusing on the outside world. Julie sat down and began describing to me some complex problem she was having, which involved several people. My mind was not able to follow her story whatsoever. Whenever I realized I had not heard what she said, I tried asking her one of the questions listed previously at what seemed like appropriate times. She would answer and move forward with her story, but I was already too far behind to make any sense of what she was saying. Therefore, all I could do was listen quietly and nod sympathetically to her problem— whatever it was about.
Although I'm usually more focused when counseling, my lack of focus in this session helped me learn a valuable lesson. Because I couldn't intellectually follow her story, I wasn't able to give Julie any instruction or advice. Mostly I just listened. At the end of the session, with tears in her eyes Julie stated, “Oh you've been so helpful! You really helped point me in the right direction. I am so grateful to you.” I never learned what her problem was, but evidently it got solved. For a long time she referred other people to me. Asking people simple questions and then listening intently can be one of the most loving things you can do for anyone. Being heard is healing, and the more you invest in hearing your partner, the more likely she will take the time to fully listen to you.
1. Use metaphors that relate to your partner's life to grab his attention and help him understand what you feel and want. Create these metaphors by asking yourself, “When has my partner ever felt something like what I'm feeling (or wanting)?” Then say, “When (describe situation) happens, it feels like the experience you had when (briefly mention corresponding situation they had).”
2. To make sure your sweetheart understands you, you can play the “You've Got It” game. In this game, your partner feeds back in her own words what you're trying to communicate. When you feel she understands everything you said, you say, “You've Got It!”
3. The more you listen to your partner, the more likely your mate will listen to you. Draw out your partner by asking questions such as: “How do you feel about (the situation at hand)?” “Why do you feel that way?” “What leads you to think (whatever it is they seem to think)?” “Can I do anything to help you to feel better?”
See if you can create a metaphor that helps your partner understand how you feel about something in your life or relationship. Once you've created it, say it and see if she seems to better understand you.