Finding a Compatible Life Partner
In this chapter, you will learn how the issue of compatibility can influence your family relationships. After that, you will learn to determine if a potential life partner will be naturally compatible with you.
For singles, choosing a partner who is naturally compatible is an important milestone. But it’s vital to recognize that compatibility is not the same as romantic love, sexual attraction—or even intimacy. All three are important elements of partnership, but while romantic love and sexual attraction can wax and wane—and intimacy can be intermittent—natural compatibility is the foundation for the vast majority of successful, long-term, intimate relationships. There are two reasons for this. The first is that natural compatibility rarely changes over time—which means partners who are naturally compatible rarely drift apart. The second reason is that natural compatibility will ensure that life partners are able to share energy and consciousness with universal qualities freely with one another. That in turn will keep these relationships in balance and guarantee that love, communication, and satisfaction have fertile ground to grow and prosper.
The issue of compatibility is also central to other family relationships, including the relationship parents and children have to each other and the relationship a grown child will have to their birth family and in-laws. In patchwork and non-traditional relationships, the issue of compatibility can extend even further to include half-brothers and half-sisters as well as adults who have close relationships with ex-partners.
In 2008, we began working with Wendy and Charlie. In their first session with us, they explained that, when they met each other, they felt like they had arrived—and that they knew that their search for a satisfying life partner was over. This was a strong indication that they were compatible life partners and that they shared the same soul vibration. Problems only emerged at home when their first child, Tim, was two and a half years old. The problem with Tim emerged gradually. However, by the time he was three, he no longer allowed his parents to cuddle with him and he screamed much of the time, except when his grandmother, who lived a short distance away, looked after him. At those times, he acted like a loving, affectionate kid and gave and received affection freely. This dynamic led us to suspect that the root of the problem was a lack of compatibility between Tim and his parents. (Please consult a medical professional if you notice dramatic physical or behavioral changes in your child.)
We began to treat the problem by explaining to Wendy and Charlie that they shared the same soul vibration. Tim, on the other hand, was the odd man out. He loved his parents—because all children do—but he didn’t share the same soul vibration with them, which on a visceral level made him feel that he wasn’t accepted by them—and that he’d been abandoned.
In contrast, Tim felt that his grandmother accepted him and that he belonged with her because she shared the same soul vibration with him.
Natural Compatibility
To reassure Wendy and Charlie, we explained that compatibility could be enhanced by using the techniques of deep family healing. Once we had reassured Wendy and Charlie, we went on to explain that natural compatibility must be understood in two ways—what it is and what it does. At its core, natural compatibility is a field of energy and consciousness that unites people. It does that by creating a subtle environment that enhances security, trust, belonging, understanding, and communication—all of which are associated with the third chakra. We went on to explain that family members in compatible relationships contribute to the field and draw sustenance from it, which means that it will continue to support them throughout their journey on earth. Since people who are naturally compatible feel familiar and feel like they belong with one another, it mitigates against feelings of loneliness, abandonment, and separation.
In the following pages, we will look at the essential elements of natural compatibility, which include soul vibration, core values, and dominant elements. Before we do that, however, it’s important to remember that although natural compatibility is the ideal, not all people in family relationships are naturally compatible in all three areas. That’s why we want to stress once again that compatibility can be enhanced in any area where it’s lacking—which means that family members who make the effort to enhance their compatibility with one another will be handsomely rewarded with almost all the benefits of natural compatibility. We will begin our examination of compatibility by looking at soul vibration.
Compatibility and Soul Vibration
While it’s true that all human beings have a soul that includes intellect, rational, and intuitive mind as well as authentic emotions and feelings, it doesn’t mean that all people have the same soul vibration.
Soul vibration is determined by many factors, including where a person’s soul originated (not all souls originated on earth), how many lives the soul has experienced, and where the soul has lived during this life and its previous incarnations—as well as a person’s activities and experiences in past incarnations, especially those that were violent and left energetic wounds and trauma scars in their subtle field (for more on energetic wounds and trauma scars, go to Chapter Twelve).
The combination of factors mentioned above explains why not all souls in their current condition are naturally compatible with one another or capable of experiencing all the pleasure, love, intimacy, and joy available to them. It also explains why elders, in many traditional societies, took the soul vibration of prospective partners seriously enough to consult astrologers and professional match-makers before a match was made. Systems of astrology in both East and West used the position of the planets at birth and their interactions to discern whether the soul vibrations of prospective partners were compatible, and match-makers used their insight and intuition to reach the same conclusion.
Compatible Soul Vibrations
When family members have compatible soul vibrations, they will feel comfortable with one another, understand one another, and they will have a strong foundation for intimacy. This will make it easy for family members to shift their orientation from Me to We. And it will make it easier for them to share pleasure, love, intimacy, and joy with one another. Family members with the same soul vibration will naturally respect each other, and they will enhance each other’s best qualities. They will be able to share more activities than family members whose soul vibrations aren’t naturally compatible—and they will find it easy to compromise and reconcile their differences.
In addition, family members that have compatible soul vibrations will be naturally generous to one another and will enthusiastically participate in frequent gift-giving. In fact, frequent gift-giving and other signs of affection are clear signs that partners share the same soul vibration.
Incompatible Soul Vibrations
Partners with incompatible soul vibrations will not feel like they have arrived, although they will often experience a yearning to unite as well as intense feelings of romantic love at the onset of their relationship. However, in most cases these intense feelings—particularly the intense yearning to unite—indicate a deeper problem, which is often overlooked. That is the need to overcome subtle energetic barriers to love and intimacy. These subtle barriers emerge when partners are attracted to one another, but their soul vibrations are incompatible.
Attraction can be created in many ways. It can be created by compatibility. But it can also be created by past life, karmic attachments; by cultural programming; and by attachments to distorted fields of energy and consciousness that are shared by both partners. However, attraction without compatibility can create striving, which can block the flow of prana through a person’s subtle field. That in turn can enhance feelings of loneliness, which would seem out of place in a healthy relationship.
When a parent and child don’t share the same soul vibration, the third chakras of both family members will be affected. As a result, the sense of belonging can be disrupted. This can make the child feel that they don’t belong or that there is something wrong with them. And it can make a parent feel that there is an invisible barrier that separates them from their child. This can lead a parent to the spurious conclusion that they lack parental love or, if there is more than one child in the family, that they care for one child more than the other.
Compatibility and Core Values
Core values also influence compatibility. That’s because core values represent what people believe in, have faith in, and want most. Core values also influence how a person interacts with their family members and how they view themselves in relation to the world around them.
Healthy family relationships require that family members share core values that are life-affirming. By life-affirming, we don’t mean positive; with a little effort, a negative core value can be spun into something that appears positive—but is not. Thus, greed can be spun into a desire for success and prosperity. Control can be spun into the desire to make the world a better place. And dependency and neediness can be spun into caring or even romantic love.
Examples of core values that are life-affirming include generosity, empathy, playfulness, and respect for others as well as all other qualities that enhance communication and understanding.
Family members with core values that are life-affirming are always compatible because life-affirming core values will do two things: they will support the free radiation of consciousness and energy with universal qualities, and they will support a family member’s purpose for being incarnated in this life.
Incompatible Core Values
When people in the same family don’t share life-affirming core values, they won’t have the relationship skills or energetic support they need to overcome internal and external threats to their family relationships. As a result, discord and misunderstanding will replace harmony and receptivity, and communication and understanding will be in short supply. The following examples will illustrate what we mean.
One family we worked with included a father whose name was Randy. He was old-school and believed that children should not talk during dinner and should even refrain from drinking until they had finished the meal. For Randy, a distorted form of discipline was paramount. In contrast, the children’s mother, Laura, had a different set of core values. She felt that the children should enjoy themselves during dinner and express themselves freely. These opposing core values surfaced at meal times and created a divisive environment, which frightened the children and pulled their parents apart.
When their son William and daughter Lilith, who were two years apart, reached puberty, they developed difficulties which included polarity problems that interfered with their development and peer relationships. William had suffered most from the family dynamic. His father’s self-limiting core values and extreme gender orientation had disrupted his up-down polarity to such an extent that he developed a condition called reversed polarity. Lilith’s polarity problem was less severe, but it had also disrupted her development. In chapter Chapter Five, you will learn how William and Lilith restored their polarity to a healthy balance.
Like Randy, Andrew had become attached to a set of self-limiting core values that interfered with his family relationships. That’s because Andrew’s father had been violent and self-centered and had projected fields of energy with individual qualities into Andrew’s subtle field. In time, these projections produced core values that justified Andrew’s narcissism and self-limiting life strategy.
Compatibility and the Elements
Andrew had an additional compatibility problem. He had married his second wife in 2007. Although they shared the same soul vibration, problems soon developed because they didn’t share the same core values or dominant elements.
To help Andrew and his second wife restore their elemental compatibility, we began by explaining that Chinese adepts were the first to recognize that the elements water, metal, earth, wood, and fire could influence family relationships. They discovered that a person’s dominant element exerted a powerful influence on how they interacted with other people and the physical-material environment. They also learned that a person’s dominant element influenced their character, particularly how disciplined, loyal, patient, and perseverant they would be—as well as whether they would be able to maintain their integrity during difficult times (long-suffering) and whether they’d refrain from harming people in word, thought, and deed.
We’ve found that relationship partners whose dominant elements are in harmony will experience many benefits. They will have a deep, natural affinity for one another. In most cases, the affinity will be both sexual and spiritual because the partners will be sharing the same outlook on life—which will make the relationship intoxicating for them both.
In the classical world, this natural affinity included the notion of “love at first sight,” which occurs when partners first meet. According to the ancient Greeks, this phenomenon includes the projection of “love arrows” or “love darts.” If these arrows arrived at the lover’s eyes, they would “pierce” their heart, overwhelming them with longing, and producing theia mania, “madness from the gods.” 5
Incompatible Elements
When partners have dominant elements that are not compatible, then friction and misunderstanding are inevitable. It’s important to note that incompatible elements can be deceptive, acting much like opposites that can attract people to one another. Unfortunately, in the long term, the intensity and passion created by incompatible elements will devolve into mistrust and resentment that will drive partners apart. That’s because the striving (energetic push and pull) caused by incompatible elements can cause energetic attachments and blockages that, over time, will limit both partners’ ability to radiate prana freely.
In the worst-case scenario, attachments caused by incompatible elements can disrupt empathy and create a situation in which one family member dominates the other to the detriment of them both and to other family members.
Although this process had not proceeded too far in Andrew’s second marriage, both he and his wife agreed that Andrew’s view of relationship had become more patriarchal and judgmental over the years. They also agreed that he had trouble listening to other people, especially when they disagreed with him.
In the next chapter, you will find out how Andrew and his second wife and son harmonized their core values and dominant elements. Before we do that, however, you will learn to determine if a prospective partner will be naturally compatible with you.
Choosing a Compatible Life Partner
For those of you who are single or who haven’t committed to a long-term relationship, choosing a life partner who is naturally compatible with you can help you avoid many relationship problems that can disrupt family relationships and the condition of your subtle field.
To discern if a potential life partner is naturally compatible with you, you must begin by enhancing your inner vision. Your inner vision is a natural function of your sixth chakra, the third eye. And it’s your third eye that will enhance your discernment, the ability to look into the subtle dimensions where fields of distorted energy and karmic baggage are located.
Enhancing your inner vision is a two part process. In the first part, you will learn to perform the Inner Vision Mudra. The Inner Vision Mudra was designed specifically to enhance your discernment and your ability to trust it. After you’ve learned to perform the Inner Vision Mudra, you will move on to the Eye of Brahma Technique. The Eye of Brahma Technique will help you to determine whether a lack of compatibility with a potential partner or a family member has interfered with the relationship.
By mastering these two exercises, you will have the skills necessary to determine whether you and a potential partner will be naturally compatible or whether incompatibility has interfered with a family relationship.
Exercise: The Inner Vision Mudra
To perform the Inner Vision Mudra, find a comfortable sitting position with your back straight. Breathe deeply through your nose for two to three minutes. Then put the pads of your thumbs together as far as the first joint. Twist your index fingers around each other and place the pads of the fingers together from the tip to the first joint. Then twist your middle fingers around each other so that the pads of the fingers are touching one another as far as your first joint. Your ring fingers and pinkies should be pulled into their corresponding palms. Once your hands are in position, continue by placing the tip of your tongue on your upper palate and sliding it straight back until it comes to rest at the point where the hard palate rolls up and becomes soft. Then put the soles of your feet together and close your eyes (see Figure 5: The Inner Vision Mudra). Hold the mudra for ten minutes. After ten minutes, release the mudra and open your eyes.
We recommend that you practice the mudra every day for at least two weeks. After two weeks or when you’re satisfied that you’ve received the benefits of the Inner Vision Mudra, you can begin practicing the Eye of Brahma Technique.
Figure 5: The Inner Vision Mudra
The Eye of Brahma
The Eye of Brahma is the inner eye. It’s sometimes called the eye of wisdom. While the physical eyes see things in the material world, the Eye of Brahma sees things in the subtle world where truth can be recognized without the distortion of time and space. The Eye of Brahma should not be confused with the third eye. While the third eye is part of your subtle energy field and regulates intuition and discernment, the Eye of Brahma is part of your subtle field of consciousness. By centering yourself in the Eye of Brahma, you will be firmly rooted in the truth that you see and feel when your third eye is active.
There is a Zen story which explains how the Eye of Brahma can help you to see the truth clearly and thereby recognize an appropriate life partner. It goes like this:
There lived a monk who was new to Buddhist study and meditation. One day after a class, he approached a senior monk and asked him, “Brother! A Bodhisattva [living Buddha] has a thousand eyes; how many eyes are true?” The senior monk replied, “Only one is true.” The new student doubted this and persisted by asking a further question: “Why is only one eye true, brother?” The answer he received was this: “The one true eye is the wisdom that is within each person. Let us consider the actions of a blind man and how he reaches out for this and that without seeing. In the morning, when your alarm clock rings, you switch it off without opening your eyes. Which eye are you and the blind man using?” The new monk answered, without hesitation, “Yes, that must be the Eye of Wisdom, brother. I understand now that the Eye of Wisdom is the only one that sees the truth without the distortions of the world interfering.” 6
Exercise: The Eye of Brahma Technique
To perform the Eye of Brahma Technique, find a comfortable sitting position with your back straight. Breathe deeply through your nose for two to three minutes. Then go to your personal healing space and bring your awareness to your body, soul, and spirit. Take two to three minutes to enjoy the changes you experience. Then place your index finger at the back of your neck. Continue by sliding your index finger slowly up the center of your neck till you reach a small bump in the back of your head. That bump is located just outside the cerebellum. If you move your mental attention inward from the back of the cerebellum two inches (five centimeters), you will reach the Eye of Brahma (see Figure 6: The Eye of Brahma). Once your mental attention reaches the Eye of Brahma, you will experience a glow emanating from that point. Enjoy the glow for another five minutes. Then release your mental attention and leave your personal healing space by asserting, “It’s my intent to return to normal consciousness.” Continue by counting from one to five. When you reach the number five, open your eyes and bring yourself out of the meditation.
We recommend that you practice the Eye of Brahma Technique until you are confident that you can enjoy the Eye of Brahma without distraction for at least five minutes.
Exercise: Determining
Relationship Compatibility
Once you’re satisfied that you can perform the Eye of Brahma Technique and the Inner Vision Mudra, you can use them to determine whether someone is naturally compatible with you and therefore an appropriate life partner. You can also use the same process to determine if a family member is compatible with you or not. Determining compatibility is a four-day process.
Day 1–3: On the first three days, find a comfortable position with your back straight before going to bed. Then perform the Inner Vision Mudra (see Figure 5: The Inner Vision Mudra). Hold the mudra for five minutes with your eyes closed. Then release the mudra and go to your personal healing space. Once you’ve brought your awareness to your body, soul, and spirit, bring your mental attention to your Eye of Brahma and assert, “It’s my intent to center myself in the Eye of Brahma.” Continue by asserting, “It’s my intent to turn my appropriate organs of perception inward to the Eye of Brahma.” Take ten minutes to enjoy the shift. Then count from one to five. When you reach the number five, open your eyes and bring yourself out of the exercise. Then go directly to bed.
Day 4: On the fourth day, find a comfortable position with your back straight before going to bed. Then close your eyes and breathe deeply through your nose for two to three minutes. Next, perform the Inner Vision Mudra and hold it for the remainder of the exercise. To continue, assert, “It’s my intent to center myself in the Eye of Brahma.” Take a few moments to enjoy the shift. Then assert, “It’s my intent to turn my appropriate organs of perception inward on the level of the Eye of Brahma.” Stay centered in the Eye of Brahma for five minutes. Then assert, “It’s my intent to know if … (name of the potential partner) is an appropriate life partner for me.” To determine if there is a lack of compatibility that disrupts your relationship with a family member, assert, “It’s my intent to know if … (name of family member) and I have a compatibility issue with one another.” Stay centered for another five minutes. Then release the Inner Vision Mudra, and bring yourself out of the exercise by counting from one to five. When you reach the number five, open your eyes and go to bed. By morning—either through insight, intuition, or dreams—you will be able to discern the energetic condition of the potential life partner and/or family member. And you will know if the relationship you have in mind is appropriate. In the case of a family member, you will know whether a compatibility issue has been driving you apart.
Muscle Testing
Even though the techniques you just learned will help you discern if a potential life partner is naturally compatible with you, we’ve included another technique in this chapter that will validate your results. It’s called muscle testing. Since committing yourself to a long-term relationship is such a major decision, we recommend that you use muscle testing after you’ve performed the Inner Vision Mudra and the Eye of Brahma Technique to confirm your results.
Muscle testing is used to test the body’s responses when applying pressure to a large muscle. Muscle testing can be used to validate what you’ve learned through the Inner Vision Mudra and the Eye of Brahma Technique. And it can provide you with information about energy blockages, the condition of your organs, nutritional deficiencies, and food allergies.
Muscle testing is based on two principles. The first principle states that your body knows what is appropriate for you, even when your intellect does not. The second states that your muscle tone will get weaker when the body sends out a No response and stronger when it sends out a Yes response.
Muscle testing requires some practice (and usually is performed with a partner) in order to recognize a true Yes and No. Therefore, before you use it for important life questions like the appropriateness of a partnership, you should practice muscle testing to determine whether eating certain foods or wearing certain clothes is appropriate. All questions you propose should have a simple yes or no answer.
To avoid confusion, we recommend that you perform muscle testing on your own. To do that, you can use the Finger Ring Technique.
Exercise: The Finger Ring Technique
In this exercise, you will use muscle testing to confirm what you learned about your potential partner in the preceding exercise. To begin, formulate the question you want to ask. Always pose your query as a simple yes or no statement. In this exercise, your question will be: “Is it appropriate for me to engage in a long-term, intimate relationship with … (name)?” As soon as you pose your question, find a comfortable position with your back straight. You can stand or sit. Once you’re comfortable, close your eyes and breathe deeply through your nose for two to three minutes. Then perform the Inner Vision Mudra (see Figure 5: The Inner Vision Mudra). Hold the mudra for five minutes. Then release it and form a loop by bringing the tips of your thumb and index finger of your left hand together. Next, bring the thumb and index finger of your right hand inside the loop and form a second loop so that the four fingers look like two links of a chain. As soon as your fingers are in position, assert in a normal voice, “It’s appropriate for me to engage in a long-term intimate relationship with … (name).” Immediately, without violence, but with all of your strength, try to pull the loops apart. If you can pull the loops apart, then it’s not appropriate to engage in an intimate relationship with that particular person. You can validate your finding by making the opposite statement: “It’s not appropriate for me to engage in a long-term, intimate relationship with … (name).” Then once again form two loops with your fingers and use all your strength to pull them apart. If you have performed the exercise correctly, you will find that you cannot pull them apart, and that will serve as an additional validation.