You must first seduce your lover’s mind. Seduction, in fact, is largely a mind game. People who play it well know how to make us feel interesting and desirable. They know how to make eye contact—and when to drop the gaze. Look into those eyes and you see the promise of erotic fulfillment. Whether you just met the person or have been married to them for twenty years, their eyes convey something else along with passionate interest: a strong sense of their inviolate self. A truly seductive person is the man or woman you cannot own. He or she will share him- or herself with you, but not give it away. Now that is sexy.
Be sure to keep the following myths and misinformation about foreplay in mind (these are not true):
• Established couples don’t need seduction.
• Men don’t need foreplay.
• Women always need a lot of foreplay.
• A French kiss is full-on tongue.
• Kissing isn’t that important after you’ve been together a while.
Sometimes a quickie is just what you want, just what you need. You’re both hot for one another because the foreplay has probably been going on in your minds for hours, maybe days. If she’s savvy enough to masturbate a few minutes before the encounter, you will both likely reach orgasm.
Other times a little to a lot more foreplay is required. And on special occasions, seduction and foreplay are prolonged, turned into erotic events that could almost stand on their own if you didn’t want that orgasm so badly.
Some elements of foreplay include:
• Building on the sexual tension created by holding, touching, and caressing
• Whispered endearments or naughty talk
• Kissing!
• Sensual body stroking
• Erotic massage (in longer periods of foreplay)
• Manual genital play
• Oral sex (which can also be an end in itself—see Chapter 6)
A high state of arousal usually leads to a more powerful orgasm, so take your foreplay out of the ordinary.
Eye contact is an important key
to seduction. Look into your
partner’s eyes and see the
promise of erotic fulfillment.
Teasing is seductive. It can be visual or verbal. Teasing plays with the mind, triggering fantasies, making promises you may or may not keep.
From little things like unbuttoning the first few buttons (his or hers) of your shirt to expose the lacy tops of your thigh-high stockings when you cross your legs (generally her) to doing a slow strip for your lover, the visual tease is successful because both men and women are erotic visualizers.
Capitalize on that by “invitational dressing” when you go out. (If you look like Britney Spears in those panty-less Internet photos, you’ve invited too many people to the party.) Some things always work: her high heels, cleavage, and the glimpse of firm nipples beneath a silk shirt; his well-tailored suit, dress shirt open, tie cast aside for the evening. Some things work only for you. Figure out what they are.
Learn how to walk. He strides smoothly and purposefully. She has a loose, undulating walk straight from the pelvis. Here’s how to get that—and tickle that Kundalini energy.
• The Pelvic Bounce: Lie on a bed or the floor on your back with your palms on either side of your buttocks, knees bent. Lift your pelvis slightly and let it down, bouncing your lower back gently as you inhale sharply.
• The Pelvic Thrust: Stand with your hands on your hips. Move your pelvic area in a circular motion to the right, then to the left. Exhale as you thrust your pelvis forward in motion. Inhale on the backward pull.
Have you ever carried on an e-mail or text message correspondence with a potential hot date, only to have your fantasies smashed merely by the sound of his or her voice?
Voice is important. Pitch your voice lower. Listen to how you sound on tape. If you have a nasal whine or some other devastating accent issue, try fixing it.
Watch those sweet nothings and double entendres. They can sound shallow, foolish, or girlish/boyish. Verbal seduction is all about sounding desirable.
“What straight people call foreplay bears a remarkable
resemblance to what lesbians call sex, and it’s far more
likely to result in female orgasm.”
—Ann Regentin, writing on Clean Sheets online magazine
Try performing a visual tease—like
a slow strip—to set the mood.
Both men and women are
erotic visualizers.
If you don’t like the way someone kisses or responds to your kisses, you’re probably not going to find him or her an exceptional lover. The mouth is an erotic organ—visible, accessible, yet private. The kiss is important to men, but essential to women. Its power is so great that even scientists acknowledge the kiss is a form of personal chemistry, sending biological signals through the chemistry in our saliva. And too much saliva drowns a good kiss.
Start kissing somewhere else and work your way up to her mouth. Nuzzle her neck, lick her ears, kiss her throat.
If you are naked in bed, kiss the backs of her knees. Lick her nipples. Alternate the rough side of your tongue (top) with the smooth side (bottom) for different sensations. (All this works on men, too.)
Or if you are fully clothed, kiss the back of her hand. Turn it over. Kiss her palm. Then let your lips rest on her wrist until you feel her pulse beating in your lips.
Take her (or his) face in your hands. Brush your lips across hers lightly. Pull back. Put your lips on hers and press gently as you look into her eyes.
Explore one lip at a time with light, playful, teasing kisses. Gently suck each lip. Run the tip of your tongue around its edges, inside and out.
Now French kiss. With the tip of your tongue, play with her tongue, the inside of her lips, the edges of her teeth. Kiss her passionately, but don’t assault her mouth with your tongue.
What is the first physical connection you have with a lover? You touch one another’s hands or arms during conversation. Maybe she straightens his tie. He brushes the hair back off her face. If the hands feel right on the other’s flesh, the touches escalate. But if they don’t, it all ends there.
Touch is a key element of lovemaking, yet few of us work on our hand skills once we get past the point of having our touch accepted by the new lover.
First, get the touch right. When you are holding your lover and caressing her (or him), touch her the way she likes to be touched. Most people respond to light caresses, with the pressure escalating as the excitement builds. Don’t go straight for breasts or genitals. Stroke her collarbone. Rub his chest. Fondle thighs and buttocks. When you are naked, add some unexpected touches, such as the following:
• Using the pads of your fingers to play lightly over your lover’s body
• “Scent kissing,” or inhaling the scent of his or her body in places like the nape of the neck, breasts, and inner thighs
• Using feathers, silk, rose petals, or other materials to stroke or tease nipples and genitals
• Caressing his penis between your breasts
Don’t go straight for a breast and squeeze hard. Pay attention to her cues. Does she moan in a good way when you play rough with her nipples? Or no?
Here are some strokes that work for most women:
• Before you do anything else, take her face in your hands, kiss her eyelids, and with one hand still holding her face, stroke her cheeks and forehead with your thumb.
• Massage her breasts with the flat of your hand.
• Glide your hand, with the first two fingers open in a V, up each of her breasts, catching her nipple in the V. Now kiss that nipple.
• Take her nipple gently between two fingers and pinch.
• Caress her inner thighs from her knees up. Let your thumb or fingers graze her vulva as you reach the top of her thighs.
• Don’t forget to caress her back and shoulders, legs and belly, and all the parts of her.
• Use light circular motions with your fingertips on her genital area. Part her labia. Use your fingers to make long strokes on the outside lips. Then curve one or two fingers and use the space between the knuckle and joint to massage lightly her inner and outer lips in a back-and-forth motion. Massage her labia and work back to her anus.
Caress her inner thighs from
her knees up. Let your thumb
or fingers graze her vulva as you
reach the top of her thighs.
• Alternate that stroke with one using your thumb or first finger alone.
• Rotate your fingers around her clitoris, alternating a clockwise and counterclockwise motion. Stroke down with one finger on either side of her clitoris. Rotate. Stroke down.
• If she likes direct clitoral stimulation, you can take it between two fingers and gently rotate. But, if like many women, she can’t stand the intensity of that stroke, circle your fingertips above the clitoris (at the twelve o’clock point).
• Add the G-spot stroke. While continuing the twelve o’clock rotation, insert a finger or two into her vagina and massage her G-spot (see page 44).
• Now circle your fingertip rapidly around her clitoris as you’re massaging her G-spot. Don’t be surprised if she ejaculates during this orgasm.
Some men don’t like any kind of PDA (Public Display of Affection) whatsoever. Even in private, they may not be affectionate until they are ready to have sex. If he never holds your hand in the movies or puts your arm through his on the street or just holds you to be holding you, then he really doesn’t deserve what you’re about to give him.
But, like other, better men, he will respond to it.
• Knead his shoulders and back gently—not with the vigor of a masseuse.
• Make circular motions with your hands on his back, from the spine up and to the sides of his body. Alternate that with smooth, gliding strokes.
• Use single- or two-finger gliding strokes on his inner thighs, back, and the sides of his neck.
• Repeat the long, gliding strokes on his chest, stomach, and thighs.
• Do something entirely unexpected: Use the single-finger stroke on his face, even the delicate areas around his eyelids and ears. Also run your finger down his neck.
• Kneel between his legs. Take his testicles between your fingers and thumb them gently, one at a time. Then hold a testicle in the palm of your hand and tickle it lightly with the pads of your fingers. Now do the other one.
• Hold the base of his penis in one hand and work your other hand in a circular fashion (upwardly twisting, like following a winding staircase) to the head. Use the palm of that hand to caress the head of his penis.
• Take his penis in both hands. As if you were building a fire with his penis as the stick, use a rolling/rubbing motion, starting at the base. Roll/rub up to the head, keeping his penis between your palms. Use only upward motions. Start over at the base when you reach the head. Start slowly. Increase the speed as he gets closer to orgasm.
• Lean forward so that he ejaculates onto your breasts.
Use your hands to make circular
motions on his back, moving from
the spine up and to the sides
of his body. Alternate that
with smooth, gliding strokes.
Sometimes he loses his erection during intercourse. There are four ways to handle this:
He pays all the erotic attention to her. Kiss, caress, stroke, and fondle her—even bring her to orgasm. Go back to cunnilingus. Let your tongue take over for your penis. You’ll probably have an erection after that.
She performs fellatio or gives him a hand job. But even a good blow job or your best hand job may not be enough to wake him up on some nights. There is a move that usually works by combining the two, even if he thinks he’s lost the will to go on. (The caveat: If he’s drunk, there’s nothing you can do to counteract those drinks hanging on the end of his penis.)
Here’s how to perform the perfect “stand-up” kiss:
1. Hold his penis firmly in one hand. Take it into your mouth, moving the top third of the shaft in and out. Use the fingers of your other hand to stroke his perineum in a light, tickling fashion. If he responds to gentle scratching, do that instead.
2. When he becomes erect, use one hand to do a circular twisting motion up the shaft. Then start at the bottom again, as if you were following a winding staircase going up only.
3. At the same time you’re twisting up, swirl your tongue around the corona (the ridge separating the head from the shaft). Alternate the swirl with the butterfly flick—flicking your tongue rapidly across the corona.
4. Continue the hand move while taking his testicles into your mouth, one at a time, and sucking lightly. Flick your tongue rapidly across his perineum.
5. Go back to the head of his penis and alternate swirling, flicking, and sucking. Remember: Don’t take his penis too far into your mouth when you suck or you won’t be able to pull off the suction.
The secrets to the success of this move are combining mouth and firm hand moves while not overlooking his testicles and especially his perineum.
She grasps his penis and either holds it inside her or uses the head to stroke her clitoris. Combine a hand trick with the female superior position to create an instant, usable erection. No matter what position you were in when he lost that erection, get on top and give this a go.
First, straddle him. Grasp the base of his penis firmly in one hand, as if you were going to give him a hand job. Use the head of his penis to stroke your vulva and clitoris. When you are ready, lower yourself onto his penis without letting go of the base.
Grasp the first third of his penis with your strong PC muscle. Simulate thrusting with that muscle. (This alone may revive his erection.)
Lean forward, supporting yourself on one hand resting beside his body. (Your other hand still has his penis. Don’t let go of it.) Work his penis up and down with your hand and PC muscle. Alternate that with what I call the “thrusting of the head” stroke: Use the head of his penis against your clitoris.
Whether he comes along for the ride or not, you will have an orgasm.
If all else fails, try a classic.
The late renowned erotic writer Marco Vassi once told me in the space of a commercial break on a talk radio show where we were improbably booked together that “running hot and cold” was a “mild form of kinky sex.” Marco, who was beyond kinky and was on intimate terms with every bodily secretion, and I, whom he laughingly called the P.T.A. Mom of Sex, had almost no common ground except that we both liked to play with heat and ice. This is a technique that belongs in your erotic trick bag, too.
It’s a great little pick-him-upper as well as just plain fun on a quiet night. And he can do it to you, too.
While performing fellatio (see Chapter 6), vary the temperature of your mouth. Start with normal body temperature. Then, using your hand to stimulate his penis, fill your mouth with ice cubes. Wait until your tongue is numb before spitting out the ice. Apply your frozen assets to his penis. This feels like a jolt of sexual electricity.
After a few minutes, when you oral temperature is back to normal, repeat the procedure, this time filling your mouth with a hot liquid.
This method of alternating temperatures restores erections in many men and prolongs arousal in some. Others say they have more intense orgasms after playing with heat and ice.
Marco’s novels are largely out of print, but you should look for them anyway. They are awesome in their raw power.
Some devotees of female ejaculation—especially women who call themselves “erotic goddesses”—believe that every woman can learn how to ejaculate during orgasm.
That’s a minority opinion.
And there are others, often men, who say, “Women—ejaculate?! I don’t think so.”
Female ejaculation isn’t exactly a technique. Many Western sex experts dismiss the “ejaculate” as a myth—or a gush of fluid composed of urine and copious vaginal secretions. There is no question that whatever this fluid is that some women ejaculate, or squirt, upon orgasm, it is not the female equivalent of seminal fluid.
No, women do not ejaculate in the way that men do; however, something does happen for many women, though no one has answered definitively what. The ancients also pondered female ejaculation. Hippocrates set forth a “two semen” theory that, wrong as it was, has some basis in medical fact.
Men ejaculate sperm from the testicles via tubes that go through the prostate gland, where the sperm mixes with seminal fluid. Women, of course, do not have a prostate gland. But in some women there is a collection of several masses of tissue strung out along the urinary tract, referred to as the skeen gland. Medical researcher Josephine Lowndes Sevely wrote that in some women this gland produces a fluid that is neither urine nor vaginal secretions.
That seems to be the most likely explanation of female ejaculation, or squirting, to me.
TIP
—•—
If you want to try for female ejaculation, here are a few secrets. Intercourse positions most favorable for female ejaculation are rear entry and missionary with her legs in the air, his hands supporting her thighs as he thrusts. She should stimulate her clitoris as she angles her body to get the full G-spot effect. When the spot swells and feels more textured, she is ready. Hit the G-spot fast and hard. (If you’re using hands rather than having intercourse, use an off/on stimulation pattern—again, fast and hard.) When she feels the desire to urinate, she should push hard instead of holding back.
