The male orgasm has not received the same level of attention that the female orgasm has. Your local bookstore may have a couple dozen books on her orgasm and maybe one on his—and that will probably be a book about how he can come without ejaculating using Eastern erotic techniques. Orgasm is no problem for men, right? And one orgasm is just as good as another for him, right? And, on the other hand, he doesn’t have the unlimited orgasmic potential that she has, right?
While having an orgasm may not be the issue for him as it is for her, he does experience some orgasms as “better” than others. He can learn how to have more of those if he wants to do that. And the potential for enriching his entire sexual experience through developing new orgasm skills is real.
Male orgasm is defined as the release of tension caused by the engorgement of blood in the genitals by contractions experienced in the penis and surrounding area, similar in timing, sequence, and length to the female orgasm. The big difference between his and hers is that the male orgasm is considered “inevitable” while the female version is described as “elusive” or “problematic.”
His orgasm is “inevitable” for two reasons:
• Male masturbation is more acceptable than is female masturbation.
• Our model of partner sex is intercourse. Men reach orgasm by friction (penile thrusting) applied to the penis.
“Ejaculation is a brief episode of physical release. Orgasm is an overall feeling of intense pleasure that transcends the genital response. It is strong enough to pull down a man’s emotional defenses.”
—Dr. Marty Klein, noted therapist and author
While he may get there more reliably than his woman does, he doesn’t have as many potential paths to ecstasy as are available to her.
Generally, men reach orgasm via stimulation of the head of the penis during intercourse or the up-and-down movement of the shaft during masturbation. There is more than one way to bring a penis to orgasm.
He can reach orgasm via:
• Fellatio (see Chapter 6 for directions)
• Manual stimulation
• Intercourse
• Anal play
• Stimulating his perineum (P zone)
As for a male G-spot, yes, he has one. See Chapter 4 for directions on how to find it.
If a man comes just by looking at a naked woman or holding and kissing her, he’s fourteen (and way too young for her!) or suffers from premature ejaculation. It’s a good thing if a woman can come via extra-genital stimulation, but not so good if a man does.
Thus, males orgasms are considered to be limited to three categories—ejaculatory, non-ejaculatory, and multiple—with many experts discounting the possibility of non-ejaculatory orgasm.
Whether or not men can have multiple orgasms depends largely on whether or not you accept that a man can have a non-ejaculatory orgasm. Everyone acknowledges that a man does have a refractory period after ejaculation. Some men (especially, but not only, younger men) can become erect again in a short period of time and have another ejaculatory orgasm during one lovemaking session, but this is not defined as a multiple orgasm. Sexologists are not in agreement, however, on whether or not it is possible for him to experience the contractions of orgasm without ejaculation.
The guru of self-help books and workshops on male multiples is Stan Dale, who has a doctorate in human sexuality from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Sexuality in San Francisco. According to Dale, men can learn how to experience orgasm without ejaculation. His techniques for doing that rely heavily on mental control, something men under thirty-five or forty may not have.
His main advice on the technique is to strengthen the PC muscle by doing Kegels (see Chapter 1) and to try to hold back ejaculation by using that muscle and telling yourself, “Not now, maybe later, but not now.”
Repeatedly using the techniques for delaying ejaculation explained in the following section may be more effective. Some men do report that they can learn how to experience orgasmic contractions without ejaculation through repeated delaying maneuvers. Is the quest for orgasm without ejaculation worth the effort? You be the judge of that for yourself.
The Eastern lovemaking arts emphasize delaying his ejaculation while intensifying her arousal. The goal is to bring her to orgasm during intercourse. As we’ve already figured out, he—and she—can make that happen by stimulating her clitoris. Many men do want to sustain their erections for longer periods of time during intercourse for other reasons, such as extending the pleasure for him and his partner.
Practiced in China for five thousand years, this technique is simple and—men tell me—effective. Locate the midpoint of your perineum, that sensitive area between the base of the testicles and the anus. Using the three longest fingers of your right hand, apply pressure—not too light and not too hard—to this spot as soon as you feel the inevitability of orgasm. Your fingers should be curved slightly.
The trick is in finding the right spot and applying the pressure in the nick of time. That may take a little practice.
“Dry orgasms do exist. There is documented evidence that in some cases the muscle contraction that accompanies ejaculation was not elicited by the discharge of seminal fluids.”
—Prokash Kothari, M.D., international sexologist based in Mumbai, India
This one requires a strong PC muscle (see Chapter 1). When you feel ejaculation is imminent, stop thrusting. Pull back to approximately 1 inch of penetration, but don’t withdraw completely. Flex the PC muscle and hold to a count of nine. (Or, some men find that flexing nine times in rapid succession works better. Try it both ways.) Resume thrusting with shallow strokes.
When you are highly aroused, stop thrusting and make love to your partner manually or orally. Focus on giving her pleasure. By alternating intercourse with other forms of lovemaking, most men can make the encounter last longer. In sex therapy, this is sometimes referred to as the “stop/start technique.”
Based on Taoist principles, which are all about holding back ejaculation, this one is simple, but men tell me it works. Count out sets of shallow, then deep, strokes. In the classic “set of nines,” a man makes nine shallow strokes (without ever withdrawing completely), then one deep one, then eight shallow strokes, then two deep ones, and so forth.
Every man does something in exactly the same way before every orgasm. Pay attention to the subtle signs that he is close to the point of ejaculation.
For example:
• Some men hold their breath.
• Others breathe with more intensity.
• He might make a certain sound, like a grunt, cry, or exclamation, or go completely silent.
Now that you know his moment, you can spike his orgasm, or “trigger” it yourself, by:
• Stimulating his G-spot with your thumb or finger pressed gently on his perineum.
• Inserting a well-lubed finger inside his anus to stimulate the G-spot from inside, but only if he is comfortable with having that done.
The emphasis is almost always on her orgasm. Will she have one? What can he do to “give” her one? How can intercourse positions be modified to help her come? But what about him? Oh, yeah, he’ll come, no matter. Every now and then, let it be more about him.
If a woman thinks giving him a blow job that you finish off by swallowing is all you can do for him—and not that there’s anything wrong with that—she can learn a new trick or two. Leave him gasping, leave him panting, leave him—grateful.
A simple trick for men who like to have their nipples pinched, tweaked, or bitten during foreplay is to do that at the moment of orgasm. Another easy but effective maneuver: pause. If he’s on top, grab his buttocks at the moment of orgasm. Use your PC muscle to pull him in a little deeper, and make eye contact with him.
If he’s on top and close to orgasm, grab his hip bones or buttocks and rock him, side to side or back and forth. When you control the direction of his pelvic moments, you also control the speed of thrusting and the depth of penetration. He may be on top, but you are in charge. To him, it feels like you are pulling the orgasm out of him in a very explosive way.
If you’re on top and he’s close to orgasm, put your hands on his hips and pull him toward you. Keep your body weight on your knees so that you aren’t bearing down on his hips. Again, he will feel like you’re pulling that orgasm right out of him.
If you want to give him something really special, fellate him to orgasm. When he’s near ejaculation, take his pelvis in both hands and rock him toward you so that he goes deeper into your mouth. And swallow.
You’ll feel like a sex goddess when you perfect this move, and it’s easier than you may think it will be.
When his erection is very hard, have him slow down and let you control the thrusting dynamics of intercourse. It’s easier if you’re on top, but it can be done in other positions, too. His cooperation is important, because the butterfly quiver is more effective when he doesn’t thrust vigorously.
Now flex your PC muscle in a continuous pattern of tightening (as you pull him inside) and releasing (as you push him out), replicating the pattern of a butterfly’s pulsating wings. Make the butterfly as fast as you can when he nears ejaculation.
He will feel like his ejaculate is being pulled out of his body—a thrilling experience for both of you.
The “money shot” or the “cum shot” in adult films occurs when he ejaculates on her body, face and breasts being the favored targets. The popularity of that image has inspired legions of men to adapt the question “Can I come in your mouth?” into “Can I come on your face or your breasts?” It looks sexy on film. What about in real life?
Try it. You might like it. Watching a man ejaculate is both more arousing and more satisfying than you probably think it will be if you haven’t done it.