Emily Post’s The Etiquette Advantage in Business, Third Edition

All the rules of table manners are made to avoid ugliness. To let anyone see what you have in your mouth is repulsive, to make a noise is to suggest an animal, to make a mess is disgusting.

Emily Post got it right. In one sentence, she covered the principal reasons why table manners exist. Virtually all of the issues covered in this chapter have to do with avoiding one of these three transgressions. If you bring nothing else away from this discussion, when you think about any action you take at a meal, remember her words and ask yourself, “Does it have the potential to be repulsive, sound like an animal, or make a mess?” If it does, then don’t do it. (See also Emily Post’s Etiquette, 18th edition, and www.emilypost.com for more information, illustrations, and videos on table settings, holding utensils, resting and finishing positions of utensils, holding glasses, and pouring wine.)

Nobody is going to adopt or change a behavior just because Emily Post says so. But give someone a good reason and then they’ll make the effort. So why does dining etiquette matter?

The act of eating is, in one word, gross. Think about it: You cut up food on a plate, try to spear it with or balance it on a utensil, lift it to your mouth without spilling or dropping it, and then, once in your mouth, chew it into a pulp before swallowing it. And you do all this while sitting across from a person with whom you are trying to have a conversation, which requires you to open your mouth. What table manners do for you is limit the grossness of the process of getting food to and into your mouth so your interaction with those you are dining with can be as pleasant as possible.

In addition, table manners give us confidence by providing guidelines on what to do during this very public and at the same time very personal activity. When you know what to do, you can be focused on the conversation and building relationships instead of worrying about which fork is the right one to use, or how you should eat asparagus, or if you may pick up a lamb-chop bone. Having confidence in your table manners is one of the surest ways to make a positive impact on your dining companions.

Good table manners are critical for another reason as well: People judge other people by their table manners. In a business situation, table manners may well be the key factor that differentiates you from your competition. The businessperson whose dining skills are smooth and easy allows the focus of the others at the table to be on the business conversation and not on how she’s holding her fork, or how she didn’t know what do with the artichoke, or worse, the awful slurping noise she made with her soup.

Many people fear that they won’t know what to do or how to behave at the table. After all, no one wants to look foolish or ignorant. Fortunately, there’s a simple solution to the problem: Whenever you aren’t sure what to do, simply sit back, wait, and watch. Notice how other people are handling the situation, or which utensil they are using, or which glass they are drinking from—and then follow their lead.

ALL ABOUT THE NAPKIN

• When you first sit down, place your napkin in your lap right away.

• If you need to leave the table during the meal, loosely fold the napkin so no soiled area shows and place it to the left of your place setting, not on your chair.

• When you leave at the end of the meal, fold it loosely so no soiled area shows and place it to the left of your place setting.

• Don’t tuck the napkin into your shirt below your neck.

• About your tie: Don’t flip it over your shoulder to prevent it from getting food stains. Instead, eat carefully so you don’t splatter your food on your tie or shirt.

With that general guideline in mind, the following is a step-by-step guide to table manners, from first arrival to final thank-you. The more you know about table manners and the more you practice, the more confident you will be. Whereas the advice is geared to a restaurant setting (which is where most business meals take place), it is equally applicable to meals held in a private dining room, someone’s home, a club, or other location.

How you hold your fork, knife, and spoon is very noticeable to the other diners at your table—or not. When held correctly, you don’t draw attention to yourself and instead the focus remains on the conversation. But, if you hold your utensils incorrectly, it’s as if you held up a big sign saying, “I don’t know what I’m doing.” People notice and their opinion of you is diminished, thinking you lack sophistication or that you never bothered learning manners.

To use your fork or spoon, hold it like a pencil, not a shovel: Rest it on the middle finger of your dominant hand and let your forefinger and thumb grip the handle. Use either utensil to scoop the food, taking only enough for one, comfortable bite. Taking a heaping amount risks a spill or getting food on your face.

Gripping the handles of your knife and fork in your fists like daggers actually makes the job more difficult. Holding the knife and fork correctly provides you with the most control—and the least chance of sending a piece of meat flying.

• Hold the knife in your dominant hand with the blade down. Place the end of the handle in the palm of your hand. Place your forefinger on the top of the blade where it attaches to the handle. Grasp the handle with the remaining fingers and your thumb.

• Hold the fork in your other hand with the tines facing down. Place the end of the handle in the palm of your hand. Place your forefinger on the top of the fork where it attaches to the handle. Grasp the handle with the remaining fingers and your thumb, like a pencil.

• Spear the piece of food you want to cut with the fork tines, pressing down on the handle of the fork with your forefinger. Use a sawing motion with the knife to cut a bite-size piece. Try to keep your elbows close to your body as you cut.

There are two styles for handling the knife and fork while dining: the American style and the Continental (also called European) style, which is used not only by Europeans but also by some Americans who prefer it. Is one more proper than the other? No. In fact, there’s no reason not to use both during a meal: You might want to cut and eat the meat in the Continental way, for example, but eat other food using the American style.

THE AMERICAN STYLE. Begin by cutting food with the fork in the left hand and the knife in the right as described above (or reversed if you’re left-handed). Then you place (not prop) the knife on the edge of the plate and switch the fork to your right hand before raising it, tines up, to your mouth. The fork should rest on the middle finger of your hand, with your index finger and thumb gripping the handle slightly above.

THE CONTINENTAL STYLE. In the European style, the food is cut in the same way. The knife, however, is kept in the cutting hand while the other hand lifts the fork to the mouth. The fork is held tines down with the index finger touching the neck of the handle or changed in position to tines up with the handle resting on the middle finger, with your index finger and thumb gripping the handle slightly above.

Usually, you see a person eating Continental-style with the fork in the left hand and the knife in the right hand. However, a left-handed person will do the reverse because the knife is in the left-handed person’s dominant hand. Again, either way is acceptable.

WHY PASS TO THE RIGHT?

It simplifies life at the table if food is passed in just one direction. For instance, if the bread starts out to the right and the butter to the left, at some point halfway around the table a person is going to be faced with the problem of trying to handle both the bread and butter at the same time. It’s easier if everyone simply passes in one direction. Thus, for the sake of practicality, the guideline is to pass right rather than left, since most people are right-handed. They receive the plate or basket with their left hand, which leaves their right hand free to easily serve the food to themselves.

TIP: When someone near you on your left asks for something to be passed, it’s okay to take the more direct route and pass left.

Throughout the meal, you will encounter a number of situations that can occur during any course, such as passing the salt and pepper or putting your utensils down while eating or when you’re finished.

WHAT ABOUT SALTING AND PEPPERING FOOD? Be sure to taste the food before putting salt or pepper on it. That way you’ll know if it needs the seasoning. It would be a shame to ruin good food because you salted before you tasted. In addition, you imply that the chef did not know how to properly season the dish.

HOW DO YOU PASS THE SALT AND PEPPER? Always pass them together. If a person asks for just one, pass both anyway. Put them down on the table instead of placing them in the person’s hand.

AS A GUEST, WHEN CAN YOU START EATING? In business situations, it’s best to wait until everyone is served and the host has started eating or invites you to begin. This is true for all the courses served at the meal.

AS A HOST, WHEN CAN YOU START EATING? You can graciously respect the fact that good food should be eaten while it’s hot. Once three people are served, consider giving those guests who have been served permission to start. You might say something like this: “If you’ve been served your food, please begin and enjoy your meal while it is still hot.”

CAN YOU PUT YOUR ELBOWS ON THE TABLE? Between courses, it’s perfectly acceptable to put your elbows on the table slightly—just stay clear of any spills on the tablecloth. In fact, from the perspective of body language, by leaning forward with your elbows on the edge of the table and your hands clasped in front of you, you are projecting an image of being attentive and listening closely to the speaker. While eating, keep your elbows off the table. You should never rest your head in your hands while your elbows are on the table.

WHERE DO YOU PLACE YOUR UTENSILS IF YOU’RE NOT FINISHED EATING? While you are still eating you may want to put your utensils down. Simply place the utensil(s) on the edge of the plate: knife across the top, fork or spoon near the middle. Do not place used utensils on the table or tablecloth.

WHERE DO YOU PLACE YOUR UTENSILS WHEN YOU’RE FINISHED EATING? At the end of a course, the utensils are placed side by side diagonally across the plate. Imagine your plate is a clock face: Place the utensils at roughly the 4:20 position. When servers see utensils set in this position, they recognize it as a sign that they can remove the plate.

IS IT ACCEPTABLE TO BLOW YOUR NOSE AT THE TABLE? Really, it’s not. (The one exception is a quick, slight dabbing—not blowing—of the nose.) Any blowing of your nose into a tissue should take place away from the table, preferably in a restroom. Don’t even think about sitting at the table and blowing into your napkin.

“KEEP YOUR KNIFE”

What should you do when a server asks you to hold on to your knife as he clears your salad plate? Really you have two options: Explain that you would prefer to have a clean knife for your main course or place your knife on you bread plate. The one thing you shouldn’t do is place a used utensil back on the table.

Sometimes sneezes come on very quickly. If you don’t have time to cover with your napkin, at least turn into your elbow to cover the sneeze. If you have people sitting close to you on either side, it’s better to look down to your lap and sneeze into your hands or napkin than it is to turn to the side and sneeze directly into the face of your neighbor. If necessary, ask for another napkin. Both sneezing and nose blowing should be followed by a quick visit to the restroom to wash your hands and clean up.

WHAT ABOUT PASSING GAS? This is a potentially embarrassing situation, so treat it as such by excusing yourself from the table to take care of the matter in the restroom. If you do pass gas, just say “Excuse me” and carry on with your conversation.

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A FINGER BOWL? A finger bowl is a bowl of water placed in front of you at some point during the meal. It is not soup so don’t start eating it. Instead, you use it to gently clean your fingers. You may encounter a finger bowl after a finger-food appetizer, after eating a hands-on meal such as lobster (in this case there is often a lemon slice in the water), or at a more formal meal, before dessert is served. Dip your fingertips, one hand at a time (not one finger at a time), into the water and then dry them on your napkin.

WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING IN YOUR MOUTH YOU WANT TO REMOVE? You have two choices here, but the important thing is to remove the food as unobtrusively as possible. The most appropriate thing to do is to raise the utensil you are using to your lips and gently push the offending article onto the utensil and then place the object on the side of your plate. The alternative is to use your tongue to gently push it onto your lips as you quickly grasp the item between your forefinger and thumb and place it on the edge of your plate. In either case, you can raise your other hand in front of your mouth so others at the table don’t see you push the offending article out of your mouth. The exception is when you have a large mouthful of gristle and fat. In this case, excuse yourself to the restroom and remove it. No one will want to look at that on the side of your plate, and it does not belong in your napkin.

WHAT CAN I DO IF I EAT SLOWLY? You’re going to feel uncomfortable if everyone else is finished and you still have half your meal to enjoy. You can speed up your eating by

• Preparing the next bite while chewing the food you’ve just put into your mouth

• Ordering small plates or taking smaller servings

• Limiting your side of the conversation to short answers, asking questions, and being sure to eat while your partner is talking

WHAT CAN I DO IF I EAT TOO FAST? Likewise, if you’re constantly finishing way ahead of others, you might want to slow down by

IS THERE ANY SENSE TO HOW SERVERS BRING FOOD AND TAKE AWAY EMPTY PLATES? Actually, there is a protocol for serving and removing: Serve from the left and take away from the right. The server will approach you from the left side to bring your food to you, and he or she will approach from the right side to remove a plate or bowl.

SHOULD YOU PICK UP YOUR FORK IF IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR? No. Leave it there; tell the server and ask for another fork.

WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU SPILL FOOD OR DRINK ONTO THE TABLE? Quickly pick up the fallen glass and if the spill is going to run off the table, place your napkin over it. Get the server’s attention, point out the problem quietly and ask him or her to bring you a fresh napkin, then finish covering the mess. If your spill gets onto another person’s clothing, it is very important that you offer to get the affected garment cleaned. Never try to clean the spill off the person, allow them to do it themselves.

HOW SHOULD YOU SIGNAL A SERVER? Make eye contact with the server and quietly say “Excuse me.” If he is across the room and you can catch his eye, gently raise your hand to shoulder level and motion to him. At no time is it appropriate to call out to a server or to wave frantically (unless it’s an actual emergency, such as choking).

The most important thing to keep in mind when deciding which fork or knife or spoon to use is this: You always use the utensils on the outside of the place setting first. If you don’t use a utensil for a particular course, then when the course is removed from the table, the waitperson will remove the utensil for that course as well. Table settings are decoded in full in Chapter 17.

Along with the drinks, the arrival of bread marks your first opportunity to deal with food at the same time you are trying to carry on a conversation.

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE BREAD BASKET, BUTTER, AND OLIVE OIL? Most often bread is placed on the table in a basket that everyone shares. If the bread is placed in front of you, feel free to pick up the basket and offer it to the person on your left. Then take a piece yourself, place it on your bread plate, and pass the basket to the right. The same goes for the butter or the olive oil for dipping. Be sure to take butter or olive oil from the communal plate and put it on your bread plate. Don’t repeatedly take butter from the communal plate to put directly on your bread or dip directly into the communal olive oil.

BREAKING BREAD

Q. When at a business dinner at a high-end restaurant that serves a loaf of bread rather than individual pieces, is it proper to break the bread into pieces for the entire table or should a knife be used to cut the bread?

A. We don’t like it when restaurants serve whole loaves of bread rather than offering individual rolls or a loaf that has already been sliced. Worse are restaurants that serve whole loaves without providing a napkin or cloth to hold the bread and a knife to cut it. Grasping the bread with a bare hand can be disturbing to others at the table. Tearing off pieces just adds to the offense. If you’re served a whole loaf without the cloth or knife, ask the waitperson to bring them. Then it is perfectly appropriate to hold the bread using the napkin and cut several pieces for the table and certainly more considerate than just cutting a piece for yourself.

NOW THAT YOU HAVE BREAD AND BUTTER, WHAT DO YOU DO? You place the bread and butter or olive oil on your butter plate—yours is on your left—then break off a bite-size piece of bread, put a little butter on it or dip it in the olive oil, and eat it. Don’t butter the whole piece of bread or dip it in the olive oil and then take bites from it.

The first course to arrive will be your appetizer or soup, if you ordered one. Appetizers are typically eaten with a fork and knife, though in some cases they may be eaten with your fingers. If you do eat food with your fingers, try to pick up bite-size pieces rather than bringing a big piece of food to your mouth and then tearing a bite off with your teeth.

WHAT ABOUT SHRIMP COCKTAIL? Shrimp cocktail is usually served in a wide glass with a stem, set on a small plate. If the shrimp is bigger than one bite’s worth, then either cut it with the edge of the shrimp fork or spear it with your fork and cut it with a knife on the plate on which it’s served. When faced with shrimp cocktail and no fork, simply hold the shrimp by the tail, dip it into the sauce—just enough to coat, not so that you have a huge dollop of sauce that could drip or get on your face as you eat it—and take a bite. Fork or no fork, when the shrimp is big and the sauce is yours alone, you are free to double dip. If the sauce is communal, don’t double dip.

CLAMS AND OYSTERS. Unless your host gives you permission to slurp the clam or oyster directly from the shell, use the little oyster fork to get the clam or oyster to your mouth.

As the host: If people at your table order clams or oysters on the half shell, you can offer them the alternative of picking up the shell and sliding the clam or oyster into their mouths rather than using the fork. Frankly, there’s something unappetizing about a clam or oyster dangling from a fork as a person tries to get it into his mouth, so we suggest you give permission to slurp.

WHAT’S THE PROPER WAY TO EAT SOUP? Dip the spoon into the soup to get a spoonful with a motion that moves the spoon away from you rather than toward you. You can gently brush the bottom of the spoon on the edge of the cup or bowl to catch any drip. The reason for the motion away from you is to avoid inadvertently directing a drip into your lap.

CAN YOU TIP YOUR SOUP BOWL OR CUP? Yes, it is acceptable to tip the bowl—but only for the last drop or two. Again, tip the bowl away from you rather than toward you.

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE OYSTER CRACKERS? If oyster crackers come with the soup, you can add them to your soup. Larger crackers, however, should stay out of the soup; eat them with your fingers instead of crumbling them into the bowl.

WHERE DO YOU PUT THE SPOON WHILE YOU’RE EATING? If the soup is served in a cup, it will come on a saucer. When you want to put your spoon down, place it on the saucer. If the soup is served in a shallow bowl, rest the spoon in the bowl, even if it is delivered with a plate underneath.

WHERE DO YOU PUT THE SPOON WHEN YOU ARE FINISHED? When soup is served in a cup, place the spoon on the underplate; when it is served in a shallow bowl, place it in the bowl itself. The only difference is to make sure that the spoon in the bowl has the handle positioned at 4:00 (pointing to the lower right). This position lets the waiter know you’re finished with the soup.

For millennia, the enjoyment of good wine with a meal has been a real social pleasure. Today is no different. However, it is equally important to note that at no time should a person feel compelled to drink wine if she doesn’t want it. (See also the box “The One-Drink Rule”.) If you decide you do want to partake of some wine at a business meal, there are guidelines that should be followed.

White wine should be enjoyed chilled so hold the glass by the stem not the bowl. Holding by the bowl will cause the heat from your hand to warm the wine. If it is served in a stemless glass, grasp it as gently as you can with your fingers and so as little of your hand touches the glass as possible.

Red wine should be held with your hand cupping the bowl. The warmth of your palm and fingers helps warm the wine and release its flavor.

Don’t turn your glass upside down or put your hand over the glass as the server is about to pour. The easiest thing to do is simply to say to the server, “No, thank you,” as she approaches to pour wine for you. If you don’t notice the server and she pours you wine, just leave it in the glass and continue with your conversation. That’s much more important than whether you have wine in your glass.

“WHY DON’T YOU CHOOSE THE WINE?”

The menus have been perused and the chitchat is gathering steam, when your host abruptly thrusts a wine list the size of a small book in your direction: “Harry, why don’t you choose the wine?” Bewildered, you haven’t a clue where to start.

One response is to be honest: “I’d love to, but I know so little about wine I think I should leave it up to you.” (Note: Never be embarrassed by your lack of wine savvy; even self-styled “wine experts” are often clueless about pairing wines with food.) An alternative is to ask the other guests for suggestions as you glance over the list: “Which red do you think will go best with the dishes we’re having?” What you should never do is fake it; otherwise, you could end up with a wine that overpowers the food and pleases no one—with you as the guilty party. Your safest bet is to order a red and a white for the table.

With this default option in mind, learning a few wine basics will put you on relatively safe ground for the future. If, after reading this, you want to learn more, it’s easier than you might think: Numerous apps exist to help choose wines. (But don’t haul out your smartphone at the table for a consultation.) In addition, there are a number of excellent small books available on wine appreciation that can take the mystery out of choosing.

You may be asked to refill your dinner companion’s glass. Fill a glass of white wine to about two-thirds full. If pouring red wine, fill the wineglass so it is approximately half full, or to the widest point in the bowl to provide maximum surface area to interact with the air. As you finish pouring, tip the neck of the bottle up to cease the flow and twist the bottle at the end of the movement. This small twisting motion will prevent drips from falling and landing on the tablecloth or, worse, the person you are pouring for.

Yes, although you should finish one before switching to the other. For instance, you may start with white during the appetizer or, at a formal dinner, during the fish course and then switch to red for the main course.

In most restaurants and homes, the salad course will be served after the appetizer and before the main course. Occasionally, in a more formal setting or at a French restaurant, the salad will be served after the main course. In a home setting, salad may also be passed around the table during the main course.

CAN YOU USE A KNIFE TO CUT YOUR SALAD? Sometimes it can be hard to cut the lettuce with the edge of your fork. In this case, yes, you can use a knife, particularly if there are large lettuce leaves. If you have two knives to choose from, use the smaller one; otherwise, use your main course knife. In either case, leave your knife on the salad plate when you are finished. If the server starts to place your main course knife back on the table, ask him to bring you a clean knife instead.

• Cherry tomatoes. Very carefully. Try to spear the tomato with your fork and cut it in half. (This isn’t always easy.) The best way to spear a cherry tomato is to use your knife blade to trap the tomato as you push the fork’s tines into it. If you put a whole cherry tomato in your mouth, close your lips tightly before biting into it. If you don’t, you will likely spray seeds and tomato juice across the table, much to your embarrassment.

• Olives with pits. If the olive is part of a salad, you should use your fork to move the olive to your mouth. If it has a pit, you can discreetly remove the pit from your mouth by gently pushing it back onto your fork or gently removing it with your fingers and putting it on the side of the plate. The key is a quick, smooth, unobtrusive motion that doesn’t attract the attention of others. Either way you do it, cover your mouth with your free hand.

If you order for yourself, you can avoid any potential difficulties by ordering food that is easy to eat and that you know you enjoy. In some business situations, however, the meal is preordered for you—which means you may be faced with food you either don’t like or don’t know how to eat.

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH BONES? At a business meal, don’t pick up a bone and eat it with your fingers unless you see your host doing it. One exception would be eating foods that are clearly finger foods, such as chicken wings served as an appetizer or spare ribs or possibly fried chicken. (Even with fried chicken, and even in the South, check out how your host is handling it before you pick it up with your fingers.)

As a host: If you notice that someone has ordered rack of lamb or chops, give him permission to pick up the bones: “You know, Tom, I hate leaving those last flavorful bites on the bone. It really is okay if you want to pick them up.” With that permission offered, the guest should neatly go ahead and enjoy.

SHOULD YOU CUT OFF ONE BITE OF MEAT AT A TIME OR SEVERAL BITES AT ONCE? You should cut one bite of any food and then eat it before cutting the next.

HOW ABOUT LINGUINE OR SPAGHETTI? When you are at home, practice twirling linguine or spaghetti onto a fork. It’s easier to twirl it if you place the tips of the fork against the side of your plate or the bowl of a spoon. If you twirl one or two strands at a time, you shouldn’t get an overly large mouthful. Don’t use your knife and fork to cut the plate of spaghetti up into small pieces.

DO YOU EAT VEGETABLES SERVED ON A SIDE PLATE DIRECTLY FROM THE PLATE? If the plate of vegetables is just for you, you can eat directly from the side plate. If you are sharing the vegetables with other people, transfer your serving from the side plate to your dinner plate. Usually, the dish will come with a serving utensil, but ask for one if it does not.

ENJOYING FRENCH FRIES

At home or out with friends, your fingers will do very nicely, but at a business meal use your fork instead of your fingers.

CAN YOU SHARE A TASTE? Unless you know the person well, avoid sharing food entirely especially in a business setting. If you do know the person well or your host offers to share a bite and you don’t want to refuse, either hand your fork to the person, who can spear a bite-size piece from her plate and hand the fork back to you, or (if the person is sitting close by) hold your plate toward her so that she can put a sample on the edge. Don’t be tempted to hold a forkful of food to somebody’s mouth or reach over and spear something off someone else’s plate.

IS IT ACCEPTABLE TO SOP UP SAUCE WITH BREAD? Don’t do this at a business meal unless the host says this is acceptable or does it himself—in which case it’s okay. Remember, don’t hold the bread in your fingers and push it around in the sauce. Instead, break off a piece of the bread spear it with your fork, and then dab the bread in the sauce and eat it.

WHAT IF YOU DON’T LIKE THE FLAVOR? It happens: You’re served a beautiful, carefully prepared dish, and you take one bite and don’t like it at all. Maybe it has blue cheese in it, and you can’t stand blue cheese. Don’t make a fuss or comment. Simply eat the other food on the plate. If the host says something to you, reply that you appreciate the effort that went into making it, but it’s not for you. At a restaurant, don’t ask the server to bring you something different—you ordered the dish, so now it is yours. (See also, “When the Waitstaff Asks for Food Orders”.)

WHAT IF THE FOOD HAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT? In this case, ask the server to take it back. It’s perfectly acceptable to expect to get what you ordered. Perhaps you wanted your meat medium-well-done and it came out rare. The kitchen will either fix the problem and then return that food to you or bring you another serving.

SHOULD YOU USE A SPOON OR FORK TO EAT PIE WITH ICE CREAM? It’s your choice. You can use either a fork or a spoon or both—the fork for the pie, and the spoon for the ice cream.

WHAT ABOUT FRESH FRUIT? While fruits like grapes, cherries, and whole strawberries can be eaten directly with your fingers, don’t simply pick up larger fruits like apples or peaches and take a bite out of them. Quarter large fruit with your knife, remove the seeds or pit, then pick up a section and eat it. Generally, fruit will be served ready to eat with a spoon or fork. Use a spoon for fruits such as berries and a fork for fruits that are easily speared, such as melon cubes or banana slices.

WHAT IF YOU DON’T WANT COFFEE? Simply tell the server when he asks. Don’t turn your cup upside down on your saucer. At banquets and large events, there are times when different servers will repeatedly ask if you want coffee. The easiest thing may be to let one of them pour a cup and then leave it. That will stop the interruptions.

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A TEA BAG? If you are served tea in a cup with a saucer, simply place the tea bag on the saucer. If you are served it in a mug, place the tea bag on your dessert plate (or other nearby plate at your place setting). If you don’t have a plate available, place the tea bag in the bowl of your spoon. Or you can ask the server for a saucer when she serves you the tea in a mug. Do not, under any circumstances, place the tea bag directly on the tablecloth. You should also forgo winding the string around the tea bag to squeeze the tea bag dry.

TABLE MANNERS BASICS