Emily Post’s The Etiquette Advantage in Business, Third Edition

Whether you’re starting a new job or have been settled into one for years, you probably find yourself occasionally asking the question: “So just who are these people, anyway?” Here you are for forty-odd hours a week, sharing your time and space with a group of individuals whom you had no part in choosing. The fact that you work in the same field should give you at least one interest in common, but that’s not necessarily so—not in an age when more and more people regard their jobs as a means to a wholly unrelated end. The office secretary may be taking dictation only until her screenplay is sold. The accountant in the next cubicle may be crunching numbers but thinking about his plan to win the New York City Marathon. How do you get to know these people? What are the secrets to getting along with them?

Those questions aside, in some quarters of the workaday world there is a cynical outlook about coworkers: “My job is terrific—it’s the people I can’t stand.” Besides being self-centered, this sort of attitude is also self-defeating. Even the evolution toward less formal work styles—flex-time, temporary employment, and electronic commuting—doesn’t free employees from the obligation to make the best of things with their fellow workers and work toward a harmonious atmosphere. Nowhere is the Golden Rule more important than in the workplace. By treating your coworkers with consideration, respect, and honesty, whatever their title or level of responsibility, you’ll gain their trust and respect—and establish yourself as a valuable and cohesive part of the team.

WHEN YOUR COWORKER BECOMES YOUR BOSS

Paula was frustrated by her manager because whenever they were having a conversation and the manager’s cell phone would ring, the manager would answer it. This went on for months. And then, one day, Paula was promoted, and she became her manager’s manager.

Interestingly, as soon as their roles were reversed, Paula’s now subordinate no longer answered her cell phone if it rang while they were having a conversation. Paula wasn’t impressed by what she perceived as the two-faced attitude of her former boss, that it was important to be respectful to a higher-up but not to an underling.

A culture is broadly defined as a group that shares beliefs, interests, values, goals, and living styles. Applied to businesses, culture refers to the common characteristics that set one workplace apart from another, including everything from the way major decisions are made and communicated to how the lowliest cubicle is decorated. Cultural differences can exist within a company either between locations, or even between different areas within a building. Employees in the marketing department on the fifth floor of a large business in New York City may have different norms and expectations than the employees in the C-Suite on the twenty-fifth floor. All new employees not only have to learn a new job but also have to adapt to a new workplace culture.

Every company’s culture, no matter how formal or informal, is governed by two realities:

• In business, culture is hierarchical—the rules of the game come from the top down. Even those companies that tout their participatory management and flattened pyramidal structures are not exactly democracies.

• Good intentions notwithstanding, business cultures develop over time, become ingrained, and are slow to change. In fact, CEOs who attempt to radically alter a well-established corporate culture will find themselves frustrated and sometimes tossed out of the C-Suite.

Your success in any new job depends on how quickly and thoroughly you master the company culture. Fortunately, you’ve got plenty of teachers. Along with taking your cues from your bosses, interacting with coworkers will give you all the role models you need. Your coworkers are all individuals—people from diverse backgrounds and with diverse ambitions and objectives. Some you will like; others you won’t. But you can learn something from each one of them about how to get along inside the company and in the business world in general—lessons that only work to your advantage.

Success in building relationships with coworkers starts with how you communicate and how you treat everyone in your office. Even if, personally, you don’t like a person, professionally you need to be considerate, respectful, and honest with him. Over time you may even discover skills and capabilities in that person that help you build a positive, professional relationship with him.

Positive interactions with your coworkers are founded on considerations as basic as respecting their personal space, understanding rank, and giving thought to the way you handle everything from small talk to humor to disagreements.

When you engage in conversation—whether it’s chitchat or strictly business—one of the quickest ways to alienate others is to violate their physical space.

• Instead of crowding the people you talk to, step back. About eighteen inches is a reasonable distance.

• If someone is very soft-spoken, you may have to lean in to catch his or her words, but back away when it’s your turn to speak.

• Make solid eye contact. An open and interested expression, which begins with the eyes, is far more engaging than an in-your-face stance or posture.

• Be conscious of height differences: Stand sufficiently far away so that the person doesn’t get uncomfortable having to look up or down at you.

• Be considerate of persons with disabilities—such as a person in a wheelchair or with a hearing impairment.

• If you’re dealing with international coworkers, be sure that you are aware of their conversational customs and taboos.

In business, rank is power, so be conscious of the position of the person with whom you’re talking. Maintain a respectful conversational distance: no backslapping, nudging, hugging, elbowing, or other touching that implies nonexistent intimacy. And just because you’re chatting with your supervisor about the Super Bowl, don’t assume that the casual nature of the conversation allows you to dispense with the common courtesies: Don’t prop your feet on the desk, drop down on the couch without an invitation, or fidget with the bric-a-brac on the coffee table.

When talking with workers in subordinate positions, don’t abuse your rank. Use of courtesy titles is often dictated by company culture, but it is always polite to address people who are considerably older as “Mr.” or “Mrs.” or “Ms.,” whatever their jobs may be (unless they insist you do otherwise). A twenty-five-year-old junior executive may get a power rush from addressing his sixty-year-old secretary by her first name, but in a very conservative organization the rush could be short-lived if his boss doesn’t approve.

However, modern workplaces are more relaxed when it comes to addressing bosses by first name. A recent survey conducted by Survey Monkey and The Emily Post Institute found that 91 percent of employees refer to their immediate boss or manager by his or her first name. Interestingly, if the boss is two levels above the employee then 74 percent say they refer to the boss by his or her first name. When the boss is three levels his or her superior, the percentage calling a boss by his or her first name drops to 56 percent. Not surprisingly, bosses refer to their subordinates by first name 92 percent of the time.

The best way to get help is to give it. For instance, if you see an office mate working through lunch to collate a large client packet and you pitch in to help, your generosity will likely be returned in kind. Be mindful that a voluntary act is not overtime; your reward is a coworker’s gratitude, not extra pay. Don’t store your own good deeds away in your mental favor bank, awaiting repayment, or remind everyone of what a good person you are.

CAREFUL WITH THE JOKES

A mature sense of humor enables people to tease and laugh with others in a kind and gentle way and to laugh at themselves without any trace of self-consciousness. The ability to make others smile is a gift and the ability to elicit laughter is also a business tool. But you should always use humor with care.

Whenever you feel like injecting a joke into a conversation, make sure it is at no one’s expense; ethnic, racial, religious, or gender-based humor is not worth the risk of hurting someone else’s feelings or damaging your reputation. Also, be careful about naming names, insulting your own and other companies, or attacking causes. And remember: Humor in your writing can backfire quickly, too.

When you receive a helping hand, a thank-you is always necessary, no matter how small the favor. If a coworker gave up his lunch hour to help you, then a funny card, a little gift, or an invitation to lunch may be in order. When possible, you might also compliment helpful coworkers to their superiors.

Be particularly conscious of newcomers. New employees may have crackerjack skills, but they will have a lot to learn about how your business works—names to remember, places to locate, policies to master, reporting relationships to understand. Be helpful and forgiving within reason. Try to recollect how you felt when you were first employed and what information you needed. Volunteer answers, even if the questions haven’t been asked yet: “Ms. Hernandez wants those weekly reports in a folder, but Mr. Wilson prefers a memo.” Or “If you have a doctor’s or dentist’s appointment, tell Mrs. Shipman, and she’ll clear your schedule.” Just remember that help doesn’t include office gossip; leave it to the newcomer to make his or her own judgments about coworkers and bosses.

You and everyone you work with need occasional pats on the back. The real key is to be an empathetic person, capable of feeling with and for others. This is no touchy-feely exercise. Paying compliments when and where compliments are due is a kind of day-to-day justice. Saying “Well done” or “Good job” to coworkers raises their spirits a notch or two; it also communicates that you are a thoughtful and observant person, capable of giving and sharing credit where it is deserved. Just don’t overdo it; handing out compliments too freely and too frequently devalues both your words and your sincerity.

Some people are unsure how to respond to a compliment. They may ignore it. Or they may go into detail about why it isn’t deserved.

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE NOTES

The passive-aggressive note has become such a presence in today’s office that it warrants a bit of discussion. Ironically, most passive-aggressive notes are in fact aggressive-aggressive notes, which directly call out the offenders on the issue at hand. A true passive-aggressive note makes an attempt to be a sweet reminder but comes across as obnoxious. Whole websites, such as www.passiveaggressivenotes.com, are devoted to the phenomenon. A passive-aggressive note might look something like this: “Remember, we all use the kitchen, so please clean up after yourself!” Whereas some take it a step further: “Is this a postapocalyptic world where the blacks and whites of morality have blurred into a hazy gray and every man takes care of himself and only himself? No? Then CLEAN THE MICROWAVE AFTER YOU USE IT!”

Some notes aren’t passive-aggressive at all but are simple reminders: “Grayscale copies 5 cents; color copies 9 cents.”

Some notes, aggressive or not, are just inappropriate: “Use air freshener after stinking up the bathroom!”

And sometimes it’s more about who is posting the note than if a note is posted. After working for two weeks an intern’s leaving a sticky note on the water filter saying, “If you use me, refill me!” is inappropriate because this person is new to the environment and should not be making requests like this of others in the office.

Instead of posting your own passive-aggressive note, ask that at the next staff meeting the organizer reserve a little time for housekeeping topics to be discussed: changing paper in the copier, the cleanliness of the kitchen, or refilling the filtered water pitcher. Some suggestions might even become office policy: no strong perfume, no smelly foods, no personal use of the copier. You’ll have a better chance of effecting change than with an annoying note.

Hearing news of one kind or another about your coworkers’ personal lives is inevitable. In some cases, you will want to congratulate; in others, commiserate. If the person is a close friend, you’ll probably have no trouble coming up with something to say; for those you know less well, a simple acknowledgment will usually do. (See also “Marking Milestones”.) Following are guidelines on what to say when various circumstances arise:

SOMEONE BECOMES ENGAGED OR MARRIED. “Congratulations,” “Best wishes,” or “All happiness” are all appropriate responses. Genuinely wish your coworker well. Don’t be too inquisitive about his or her choice of spouse, and avoid marriage advice.

SOMEONE IS PREGNANT. Be happy for your coworker, but don’t pry. Do not ask if she has a partner. Also refrain from sharing labor and childbirth stories. And never offer your congratulations or ask if a person is pregnant until the person acknowledges it to you. It is impossible to recover from such an error.

MAGIC WORDS ARE INDEED MAGIC

The same magic words you learned when you were a child remain magic today. They are among the most useful tools you have in your vocabulary when it comes to navigating the business world with grace and poise.

Please	Softens a request by asking rather than demanding
Thank you	Shows appreciation rather than expectation
You’re welcome	Acknowledges a thank-you
I’m sorry	Indicates regret and shows remorse
Excuse me	Asks for forgiveness
Pardon me	Acknowledges a mistake or precedes an interruption

SOMEONE MISCARRIES. A miscarriage is a death, and like any other it will involve grieving. Be sympathetic by recognizing the depth of the loss. Never offer up phrases such as “It was for the best” or “It was just God’s will.” And never, under any circumstances, imply that the miscarriage may have resulted from something your coworker did or did not do. “I am so sorry for your loss” or “I wanted to express my sincere condolences for your loss” are appropriate offerings of sympathy.

SOMEONE DIVORCES. Divorce is another kind of death. It’s better to listen than to talk, although you might offer practical advice (such as how to find child care or file income tax as a head of household) when needed. (See also “Your Divorce”.)

SOMEONE IS ILL. If a coworker or a coworker’s relative is seriously or terminally ill, your actions will speak louder than words. Show sympathy by helping the person on the job. Don’t complain about absences from the office. Be alert should anyone else try to undermine your coworker’s position during an illness or appropriate his or her office or files. (It happens.) Keep the person informed about business happenings.

SOMEONE DIES. When a coworker loses a loved one, write and speak your condolences. If you are close, attending prefuneral and funeral services will be comforting. But merely working with someone is not a reason to take a funeral day off. Never make comments such as “It was really a blessing” or “Be thankful his suffering is over.” Offer practical assistance where you can, and be understanding. The death of a loved one will change your coworker, so don’t expect him to bounce back in the space of a few weeks to become the person you used to know.

SOMEONE IS FIRED OR DOWNSIZED. Be sympathetic, but don’t prolong the agony by talking it into the ground. Accept your coworker’s official explanation for a firing, and don’t engage in speculation. If you can give practical assistance, do so—a recommendation, help with a résumé update, information on other job openings. But don’t let sympathy lure you into encouraging or participating in destructive behaviors such as binge drinking or firing off threatening letters. Finally, don’t be surprised if a former coworker drifts out of your life; he needs to move on, and because you are still part of the old workplace and old hurts, you may be left behind.

Everyone makes mistakes. What matters is how you handle the situation once the mistake has been made.

Consider the case of Brad, who was editing the alumni newsletter at a small college in upstate New York. He discovered he had misspelled a word in a prominent headline he had written. The word was not just wrong—it had an embarrassing connotation. After collecting his wits, Brad immediately called the printer, found out how fast the newsletter could be reprinted, and got a price for the job. He then went to the college’s president, explained the error, took responsibility for it, told the president how he proposed to fix it, and gave the costs. Quickly weighing the facts, the president approved the reprint and nothing more was ever said about Brad’s slipup.

Brad did two things right and saved himself a lot of grief. First, he took responsibility and apologized for his mistake. Second, he worked out a solution to resolve the problem before he went to his boss. Instead of putting a problem on the boss’s back, Brad presented him with a solution.

In today’s high-stakes business games, not all errors are forgiven and forgotten, of course. Some may even cost a person his or her job. But in many cases, by taking responsibility and by solving the problem, you may navigate the troubled waters with little if any negative effect on your career. To deny that responsibility—to reflexively say, “That’s not my fault!”—is almost guaranteed to infuriate everybody.

ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE

Q. Should individuals standing around the workplace watercooler who share a common foreign heritage speak in their native language in the presence of nearby English-speaking individuals?

A. First, let’s differentiate between a business conversation and a general conversation. Business talk should be conducted in a language that everyone can understand.

Watercooler talk is a different matter. From the perspective of the people speaking another language, it may be as innocent as a few minutes’ respite from having to speak a language with which they’re not totally familiar or comfortable. Unfortunately, what may be a totally innocent conversation (“How was your weekend?”) can seem exclusionary to others who don’t speak that language. It’s similar to watching two compatriots whispering nearby. True or not, the impression is that they’re gossiping, and it can create an atmosphere of mistrust.

If people wish to speak in another language or talk about something privately, it’s best to move that conversation to a private location. Around the watercooler, it’s considerate to speak in a language everyone can understand.

Watercooler conversations are an important part of building relationships at work. It is when you and your coworkers let down your guard while sitting at a cafeteria lunch table, waiting for a meeting to begin, or hanging out in the copier room that your personality and real interests come to the fore. Almost any topic is up for grabs as long as it’s not malicious, derogatory, inflammatory, or indiscreet.

By being open to opportunities for watercooler chats, you’ll discover who the resident expert on opera or NASCAR is as well as who the movie buff, gourmet cook, and night-school scholar are. Your coworkers also get a chance to become better acquainted with you and find out if you’re sociable and easy to talk to—a trait that works to your advantage in the workplace. (See also Chapter 22 and the box “How to Be an Expert at Small Talk”.)

• When initiating small talk, be attuned to the other person’s receptiveness. If he seems distracted or unresponsive, take the hint and back off.

• Even when the person is willing to chat, don’t overstay your welcome.

• Ask for the other person’s opinions and show genuine interest in his ideas. Don’t try to dominate the conversation.

• If other people come along, make an effort to include them in the conversation. You may need to switch topics to something that everyone can discuss.

• Avoid subjects that are too personal: opinions on politics, sex, personal money, religion.

• It’s fine to disagree with someone, but phrase your comments politely. “You’re wrong!” is hostile and combative, whereas “Actually, I just don’t agree with you about that, but I respect your opinion” is tactful.

• Keep up on current events. Read the daily newspaper, a weekly newsmagazine, blogs. Watch the entertainment shows on television once in a while. Listen to your kids’ music station on the radio. Watch the latest, hottest show at least once so you know what people are talking about.

• After making an effort to be informed, think up some questions to ask others when you join a conversation.

• To end small talk, excuse yourself after you, not the other person, has made a concluding statement. Finish with “Well, I think it’s time I got back to work” or “This was really interesting. We’ll have to talk again.”

• If a coworker who just wants to chat interrupts you while you’re working, suggest another time. “You’ve caught me at a bad moment. Can we touch base after I’ve finished these letters?” If you do the interrupting, be sensitive to the other person’s reaction. If your coworker says she can’t stop, take no for an answer and don’t take offense or feel rejected.

Foul language is a major issue in the workplace. The Ladders website (www.theladders.com) surveyed executives about what etiquette issues could get an employee fired. The number one issue: foul language. Interestingly, both employers and employees see foul language as a frustration. Eighty-one percent of senior executives found that working alongside a foul-mouthed employee was unacceptable, and 80 percent of employees say that workplace swearing is unacceptable. Companies are addressing the issue by creating rules prohibiting foul language and including these rules in employee manuals.

In company cultures where obscenity and profanity are permitted, their use tends to be widespread, and you can’t correct everyone. If foul language makes you uncomfortable, signal your distaste by never using these words yourself and by excusing yourself politely from office gatherings whenever the language becomes too raw. Some people will label you a prude, but you may be pleasantly surprised by others who welcome your attitude and even imitate your behavior.

You and your coworker have different ideas about how to proceed on a new joint assignment. How do you resolve the situation without ruffling feathers?

When differences of opinion arise on the job, the first rule is to speak up if you feel strongly about an issue. If you have honestly and critically reached a position that is contrary to your coworker’s, you have an ethical obligation to state your case as strongly as you can. Remember, it’s wise to pick your battles with care. If it doesn’t really matter all that much to you whether the office soda machine stocks Coke or Pepsi, leave that debate to others.

Ideally, disagreements between coworkers should be handled in private, but there are times when conflict is integral to the work process—during a brainstorming session, for example, or a policy meeting. In these situations, be considerate of bystanders. State your case clearly and engage in debate if necessary, but don’t be mulish. Pay attention to the reaction of others: As soon as you pick up signals of resentment or annoyance, bring the conversation to a close for the time being; otherwise, it could degenerate into personal attacks. “Actually, I think it would be better if we talked about this later” is one way of defusing the situation. Or you could try “Let’s take this up when we can get [the supervisor] to help us figure out the direction the company wants to go.”

Don’t get drawn into other people’s disagreements, but at the same time don’t feign ignorance if you can really help find a resolution. If, for example, you have factual information that can settle an argument, speak up. Remember, telling what you know or offering reasonable compromises is not the same as taking sides. You might be attacked, but maintain your objective role even if the parties to the disagreement unite against you.

Never allow a professional disagreement to become personal. Apart from being rude, name-calling and personalizing weaken your case in any argument. The instant you call Joe an idiot for preferring to file alphabetically rather than by invoice number, or make a snide reference during a lunchtime political discussion to Marcia’s lack of higher education, guess what happens? Joe or Marcia just won the war, even if you won the battle. If someone calls you a name or challenges your competence, chalk it up to their frustration in the heat of conflict and try your best not to hold grudges.

STICK TO THE SUBJECT. Don’t allow a disagreement to wander into nongermane issues. Be especially careful to avoid referring back to old conflicts. Remember that even if you were proved right in the last argument, you may be wrong in this one. And beware when others try to sidetrack an issue: Diversion, deflection, and tossing red herrings onto the trail are classic tactics of those with the weaker side of an argument. If you fall for this trick, learn from your mistake and listen more closely next time.

IN THE OPEN

Some remarks require immediate and public response. Be direct, but remember to confront the remark rather than the speaker. However great the temptation, control your anger and avoid patronizing the person. For example, if a coworker’s subject is racial politics run rampant, try something on the order of “People are treated fairly here, Ralph, and I know that your boss got his job because of his ability, not because of his race.” If you can (it isn’t always easy), give the person a graceful way to retreat from his or her offensive remarks: “I think we talk too much about people’s race, don’t you, Ralph?”

Whatever you do, don’t become involved in a shouting match. You simply cannot outshout a dedicated bigot or snob. If the offending remarks are habitual, it’s time to take the matter to a superior, human resources manager, or ethics officer. If you fear retaliation, make your complaint in confidence.

BE OPEN TO COMPROMISE. Although you may not get everything you want, resolution is usually better than continual hard feelings. Be sure to document the outcome of the disagreement; if it is business-related, you should also confirm the final resolution with a memo to your “opponent.” Documentation and confirmation are important if it becomes necessary to take the matter to a higher level of authority.

DON’T GLOAT. Avoid the temptation to gloat or say “I told you so.” If everyone recognizes that you were right, you will only undermine yourself by engaging in petty smirking and arrogance. (You want your colleagues to say, “Josh really knows his stuff,” not “Josh knows his stuff, but he’s still a jerk.”)

It is going to happen. Sooner or later you’ll find yourself at loggerheads with a coworker, or you’ll be dragged into somebody else’s quarrel. You’ll hear gossip or, worse yet, become the target of gossip. Or you may find yourself subjected to language, a dirty joke, or offensive comments that disturb you.

How should you respond when a coworker makes blatantly sexist or racist remarks, calls you (or someone you know who is trustworthy) a “liar” or a “cheat,” or treats coworkers and subordinates with arrogant disrespect? You must rely on your wits.

For starters, you have an obligation to yourself and your company to confront or report verbal offenders, just as you would a thief or a person trading on insider information. If you merely sit back and listen, you become a collaborator—passive but nonetheless guilty. Also, your company can be held liable for the hateful remarks of employees, and while you are in their employ, you owe loyalty to the greater good.

If you find yourself in a situation that you feel demands to be addressed, there are some basic strategies you can employ to help resolve the conflict and build relationships rather than brick walls.

Trying to engage a person in a debate, especially about a behavior or action of theirs that you think is egregious, is hard enough. Trying to do it while your blood pressure is elevated and you’re seething is a sure way to fail. The perpetrator is far more likely to react to your anger than to your criticism of the behavior. So disengage for a time and then, later, ask to speak to the person in private.

While you’re collecting yourself, spend a few minutes asking yourself what you want to see as an outcome of any conversation you have with the other person. In most cases, the best outcome would be a combination of changing the behavior of the perpetrator and maintaining or building a constructive working relationship with him.

If you can talk with the other person in private, do so. Frame your statements as criticism of the behavior, not the person, and be specific: “You probably didn’t realize it, but that comment you made about Leslie’s short skirts really was sexist, and I could see that she was offended and hurt.” People who repeatedly offend or degrade others are rarely subtle and usually don’t take hints. But they may respond if you address them directly and indicate that your concern is for their own welfare and reputation.

Stating the problem is just the first part of the solution process. Remember, your goal is to both change a behavior and hopefully avoid creating an enemy. Before you meet with the other person, develop what you think is a reasonable strategy for resolving the situation and moving forward. Then, once you’ve made your statement and the other person has responded, check to make sure that your strategy still sounds reasonable. If it does, suggest your solution and ask the other person for his or her buy-in. It’s not enough simply to state your demand and walk away. In order to reach a resolution, you need to be prepared to work with the other person to refine your solution until it works for both of you.

When it comes to talking about personal matters, employees can be their own worst enemies. How (and how much) you talk about personal issues—dating, marriage, children, divorce, sexual preference, death, personal finances—is up to you. Proceed at your own risk when discussing:

YOUR FAMILY. Some people will be genuinely interested in your background but beware of imposing any family problems on your workmates. People you work with will be concerned that someone close to you is suffering a serious illness, but they neither expect nor want daily updates on the medical details.

YOUR LOVE LIFE. Discussing the details of your love life, especially with coworkers you don’t know well, can be obnoxious. Also, don’t expect your workmates or supervisors to be your romance counselors or to keep your deep, dark secrets confidential.

YOUR MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN. Marital and parental status are usually the first two pieces of personal information that circulate about a new employee. It’s up to you how much or how little you decide to share but avoid imposing your family on others. Don’t expect your colleagues to buy your daughter’s Girl Scout cookies by the dozens or sponsor your son’s soccer team. Don’t bring your children to work unless it’s allowed; even then, be sure that your youngsters are quiet and respectful of your coworkers’ need to get their work done.

YOUR DIVORCE. A divorce is one of the most difficult emotional issues anyone can face, but if you’re in the process of one, don’t use your coworkers as therapists. Turn to friends, family, and professionals outside the office for support and guidance. You should talk with your supervisor if the divorce process is likely to affect you on the job—requiring time off for meetings with lawyers, court appearances, the sale of house and property, the care of children. There’s no need to go into details about the cause of the divorce—and never berate or demean your ex- or soon-to-be-ex-spouse to colleagues or bosses. Simply state the facts and any problems you have or anticipate having.

DIVORCE IN THE SAME COMPANY. When a divorce happens between two employees of the same firm, the stress can affect everyone. The worst circumstance is when a divorcing couple expect their coworkers to take sides, thus turning a private matter into a company-wide tangle. Hard as it may be, divorcing couples have an obligation to keep their personal lives private, except for appropriate notification of supervisors. If the acrimony can’t be contained and threatens to infect an entire office, it may be necessary to consider a change of job or transfer for one or both parties.

YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION. Revealing sexual orientation or preference to an employer is tricky. Although many states and localities have enacted laws that protect gay and lesbian workers against employment discrimination, not all jurisdictions recognize them as a protected class. Legal status and fairness aside, homosexual employees must take a hard look at their individual workplaces and corporate cultures when deciding whether to disclose their orientation. It is not easy to leave a life partner at home when the company hosts its annual family day, or to be denied insurance coverage for a person who is your true dependent. Fortunately, many enlightened employers realize that sexual orientation, whether heterosexual or homosexual, is irrelevant to job performance.

What can you do to avoid becoming the subject of office gossip? Simple: Keep personal information to yourself on the job—and don’t invite inquiries. Even seemingly innocuous questions about your age, income, personal relationships, sexuality, and politics can set you up for gossip and innuendo.

If you become the subject of malicious gossip or a false rumor, you’ll want to uncover the source. Begin your detective work by talking to the person who clued you in; explain to him that the story is untrue and you want to stop it. If you promise confidentiality, there’s a good chance you will learn the name of the initial source of the falsehood.

You should then confront the gossip—but stage your confrontation in private. Adopt an attitude of concern rather than anger: “Sally, I hear you told a couple of people that I’m looking for a new job and I’ve been meeting with a headhunter. The truth is that I had lunch last week with my old college roommate, and he happens to work for an employment firm. But I am not looking for a job, and I’d appreciate it if you would set the record straight.” Even if the gossip denies spreading the tale, she’ll be on notice because she has been caught, and she’ll think twice before gossiping about you again.

Remember that it takes two to tango; a person who is eager to hear the latest gossip is an active participant and hardly blameless, even if he doesn’t spread the story. Gossiping, whether you are on the giving or receiving end, can be hazardous to your professional reputation. You never know who’s chummy with whom, and you could wind up covered in mud if you dish dirt about the wrong person. If you’re faced with gossip from your colleagues, be tactful but firm: “I honestly don’t want to hear the details of anybody’s private life.” If the gossiper pushes ahead anyway, you can politely refuse to listen—“Oh, that sounds interesting, but I’d just rather not know”—and quickly excuse yourself.

GET OFF THE GOSSIP TRAIN

Q. How do you deal with not-so-nice comments, told in a joking manner, about a coworker who is not so popular or well liked or any coworker in general when he is not present?

A. Gossip is insidious and destructive to the work environment. Combat it by refusing to take part. When a conversation turns to gossip, excuse yourself: “I’m uncomfortable talking about Tom this way. I think I’ll just head back to my desk.” Or consider sticking up for Tom: “Hold on a minute. Tom doesn’t deserve to have us talking about him behind his back.” Sticking up for Tom and raising your coworkers’ awareness about gossip is the best way to avoid it.

Companies recognize that gossip is bad for the workplace, that it causes stress and conflict, which can directly affect productivity and morale. Consequently, companies are starting to institute no-gossip policies with sanctions as severe as dismissal.

What should you do when a coworker has an annoying little idiosyncrasy that is threatening to drive you up a wall? The first thing you’ll have to decide is whether to deal with the situation or to ignore it. Because you work with people you might not choose to associate with on a purely social basis, you may find yourself putting up with behaviors you might not accept in your friends. Still, while you’re obligated to grin and bear most of your coworkers’ foibles, you can try, with courtesy, to correct problems that literally affect your work.

Smokers are the literal outcasts of most businesses these days—banished to the outdoors in rain, sleet, snow, and hail for periodic puffing. Yet despite (or perhaps because of) this arrangement, tension still persists among smokers and nonsmokers, which means that consideration on the part of both groups is necessary.

If you’re a smoker, understand that some people’s “smoker’s breath” is more powerful than others’—and yours may be on the high side. Breath mints may help, but a good tooth brushing and a dose of mouthwash is better. There’s also the problem of smoke-permeated clothing. Try to smoke in ventilated places, and consider taking a stroll in the fresh air before you reenter a smoke-free space.

If you are a nonsmoker, on the other hand, show a little tolerance. Don’t comment on how you hate the smell of smoke, for example.

Now that smoking has been banned in most offices, front sidewalks have become salons of sorts for smokers, who puff and hang out on intermittent breaks. If you’re a sidewalk smoker, be mindful of those who aren’t. If, for example, your building entrance is recessed from the street and has an overhang, stand out near the curb so that a curtain of smoke won’t collect in the space. In fact, you should stand away from any doorways, no matter what the layout of your building. If there’s no out-of-the-way spot to indulge, consider taking a walk around the block or into the parking lot. Always be sure to put the cigarette butt into a proper receptacle.

A Note of Caution. Don’t think people don’t notice when you’re outside having a cigarette several times a day. Someone who’s seen standing outside virtually every time anyone walks in or out of the building is going to gain a reputation not only as a smoker but as a slacker. This is one time when a smoker’s behavior can reflect on him and his company: “If this guy’s allowed to spend most of the day on the sidewalk,” people might be thinking, “what does that say about the way things are run inside?”

A coworker’s body odor, smelly feet, or bad breath is an extremely sensitive issue. We are all loath to tell a person about body odor, yet every time we ask our business seminar participants which they would prefer—not to be told about an offensive odor or to be told about it by a friend or a manager—invariably, 100 percent say they’d want to be clued in by a friend. So the next time you have a friend who has body odor, consider what you would want him to do if the roles were reversed. Be a friend: Enlighten him.

Here’s how. Do it privately, and start out with something like this: “Bill, because I’m your friend, I’m going to say something that is really difficult. But I know if the roles were reversed, I would want you to say something to me. So here it goes. I don’t think you are aware of it, but you have a problem, and it has to do with body odor. Some of us have noticed it and we’re worried that it may have an effect on your advancement in the company. I’m telling you this only to help.”

Be warned: Your colleague’s response may surprise you. You may discover that your colleague’s body odor is the result of a medical condition, medications, or dietary deficiencies.

If you simply cannot do the deed yourself and the problem becomes unbearable, you can discuss the situation with a sympathetic supervisor or human resources manager, either alone or with other coworkers. (This is an instance when a group of concerned employees is more impressive to a boss than an individual complainer.)

Perfumes, aftershaves, colognes, and other cosmetics are meant to be pleasant but can quickly become oppressive in a crowded office. Meanwhile, you can help by not overdoing your own toilette. Don’t spritz in the office, and don’t test any new scent before wearing it to work; body chemistry affects the power of fragrances and can intensify it. Finally, save the heavier scents for nights out. (See also “Your Cologne,” and “Perfume”.)

Many companies are adopting policies regulating the use of scents based on health grounds. Before arriving at work on your first day, be sure to check for your company’s policy.

THOSE EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

Spinach stuck in the front teeth, an open fly, an unbuttoned blouse—while these are the staples of situation comedy, they are also very real embarrassing moments. When they happen to you, all you can do is laugh and fix the problem. When you realize they are happening to others, don’t laugh. Instead, step in and help. Discreetly tell the person (in private if possible), and if need be, help resolve the problem. If you are a woman and are too shy to tell a male colleague that his zipper is undone, quietly ask another male to do it. When a coworker alerts you to the fact that there’s a blob of mustard on your tie or a poppy seed in your teeth, don’t take offense. Be grateful; a friend has just saved you from an embarrassing moment.

Some problems, on the other hand, should just be left alone. Someone’s dandruff, a hairpiece that looks like a shag rug, or overly applied makeup does not affect the workplace in any serious way and is really nobody else’s business. It’s up to the person with the problem to realize that it may be jeopardizing his chances for advancement. Only if you’re close to the person should you gently suggest that his appearance, hygiene, or an annoying personal habit might be hurting his career.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with chewing gum; the problem with doing it at work is that you run a constant risk of annoying people who think your gum chewing is socially graceless or simply a disgusting habit. Chewing gum when you’re alone is fine, of course, so long as your smacking or bubble popping can’t be heard in the next cubicle. But chewing gum in business meetings or with clients and associates is a little like eating with your mouth open: It feels better to you than it looks to everyone else. It’s also not a good idea to chew gum while you are on the phone. Your client or colleague may not be able to see you, but she will certainly hear you.

“WANT TO CHIP IN?”

Office collections by workmates for birthdays, weddings, the birth of a baby, or school charities are perfectly acceptable, but they can also nickel-and-dime people to the point of annoyance. If the frequency of collections seems to be getting out of hand, you might want to adopt a personal policy of giving only for certain events, like showers. (Don’t refuse across the board, or your workmates may make negative assumptions about your generosity.) Chances are other employees feel office collections are an undue burden, too. If a bit of discreet investigating confirms that they do indeed feel this way, go as a group to talk to a supervisor about setting up or enforcing some collection guidelines. One idea: a general office kitty to which everyone contributes.

Welcome temporary employees graciously, and be ready to offer your assistance as they settle into the job. Assume that the temp worker is both skilled and ready to learn, and treat him with the same professional courtesies you would extend to a permanent employee. Be aware that temp workers may well expect a chilly reception, and that it is largely the responsibility of the staff to bring them into the team, show them the ropes, and introduce them in a positive way to the company culture.

If it is your workplace custom to take a new employee to lunch in the first week, do the same for the temp worker who is there on an extended assignment. Get to know the temp and include him in normal office socializing.

Finally, just as coworkers should avoid blaming temps for company hiring policies, you should be careful not to draw temps into office debates about company policies. Don’t subject them to your complaints and insecurities or try to elicit their sympathy and support.

Temporary employees should do their best to adapt to the customs and culture of a new office as quickly as possible. If you are a temp, your agency should provide you with basic information about your new assignment. Sometimes, though, your assignment may come too quickly for a thorough orientation and your agency may be unfamiliar with the atmosphere of the workplace they are sending you to. Until you get the lay of the land, dress conservatively and behave appropriately. You’ll quickly learn whether the office style is casual or formal.

Try not to judge your new coworkers too harshly if they are cold or stiff with you. You may have dropped unwittingly into a major downsizing or a shift in company employment policies. A thick skin can help, but you don’t want to be so aloof that coworkers avoid you or, worse, undermine your job. Keep your antennae up, and respond when someone makes a friendly overture. It can’t hurt to accept offers of assistance, even when you don’t really need the help; doing so shows collegiality and respect for the knowledge and experience of long-timers.

As for socializing with coworkers, be guided by the policies of your agency and explain your situation to the people you’re working with. Never discuss salary or benefits, because comparisons will inevitably be drawn. Because you have two bosses—the service employing you and the company contracting with your agency—keeping confidentiality is doubly important.

People with disabilities make up the largest minority group in the United States—some 19 percent of the population according to the 2010 census. Behind this statistic are more than 56.7 million individuals who are human beings first and who have special needs second. So when you work with someone who has a disability, put aside any anxiety you might feel (“Am I saying the wrong thing?”) and be yourself. Act just as you would with anyone else; if the disability is brought up, it should be the person with the disability who does it, not you.

The Department of Labor’s Office of Disability Employment Policy has an excellent web page with advice for interacting with people with disabilities: http://www.dol.gov/odep/pubs/fact/comucate.htm.

Language matters. How we refer to each other matters. It matters in ethnicity. It matters in religion. And it matters when writing or speaking about people with disabilities. Positive language is inclusive and respectful, whereas negative language singles individuals out in a hurtful way. Avoid words and phrases such as retarded, handicapped, confined to a wheelchair, dumb, afflicted with, or a victim of. These phrases don’t respect the individuality of the person. Instead, affirmative phrases reference the individual: a person who is blind, a person who is deaf, a person who is in a wheelchair, or a person with cerebral palsy.

Never leave a person with disabilities out of a conversation because you feel uncomfortable or because you assume she will be uncomfortable. Include her as you would anyone else, and leave it up to her to decide whether to participate or not.

It is always courteous to ask if a coworker with a disability would like assistance, but don’t automatically provide help that may be unwanted. Follow the person’s cues, and don’t be offended if your offer of aid is refused: It is everyone’s choice to be as independent as he wants to be.

Face the person, maintaining eye contact throughout your conversation, since many people with hearing loss can get a lot of information from both listening and reading lips. If the person is hard of hearing, it’s helpful to speak up and to speak slowly and clearly, but never shout or exaggerate your lip movements. If speech alone isn’t working, it is perfectly acceptable to gesture or write notes.

If you are talking with a deaf person who has an interpreter, always direct your attention to the deaf person rather than the interpreter. (This can feel uncomfortable because the courteous worker doesn’t want to exclude anyone from the conversation, but don’t worry: Trained interpreters, including those for non-English speakers, understand their role and won’t expect to participate.) Speak at your normal rate, being sure the interpreter can hear you clearly.

Under the Americans with Disabilities Act, most businesses are legally required to accommodate the physical needs of people who use wheelchairs. When you meet, offer a handshake as you would normally (eyes as close to eye level if possible), unless it is clear that the person does not have the use of his or her arms. Don’t hesitate to offer your help if you spot someone in a tight situation. Don’t push someone’s wheelchair unless you are asked. But do offer to push if the two of you are approaching a steep ramp or an obstacle.

When you greet a blind coworker in the early days of his or her employment, identify yourself by name; your voice will be recognized before long. Whenever necessary, offer to read written information, such as the latest office memo or the cafeteria menu. It’s appropriate to offer your assistance in selecting food from a buffet or in getting coffee when everyone is gathered around the conference table. But be an observant friend, and follow your blind or sight-impaired coworker’s lead as to how far to go. Don’t pet guide dogs or try out equipment that the person may be using. But do feel comfortable asking a blind person if she would like to take your arm when navigating an unfamiliar area.

Listen patiently and carefully to someone with a speech impediment. Your understanding of her speech (or of any device used by the person) will improve as you continue to listen. Remain attentive to the conversation even if there are delays. Phrase your questions so they will require a short answer. Don’t complete the person’s sentences unless she looks to you for help. If you don’t understand something, ask a question to help the person clarify the part you missed.

Naturally, the people who maintain your building—doormen, front-desk personnel, cleaners, security guards—deserve the same cordiality as anyone else you see on a daily basis: a morning hello (or at least a smile and a nod) and a thank-you when they’ve helped you in any way. You may never actually have been introduced to them, but that’s no reason to treat them as if they were part of the lobby furniture.

One of the most visible changes that occurred after 9/11 is the increase in security at office buildings, especially in major metropolitan areas. Often you are required to sign in; show ID; send laptops, purses, and briefcases through a scanner; and wait for an escort to take you to your destination. Treat the security personnel with the same respect you show to others in the building and in your office. Don’t ask them to break the rules for you—they’re the ones who will get in trouble. If they ask to inspect or scan your briefcase, give it to them politely.

If you go in and out several times during the day, expect to have your briefcase or laptop case inspected each time. Don’t be frustrated. It’s part of their job to check no matter how often you go in and out.

Also, if you’re expecting visitors, make sure to contact security ahead of time so that passes for your guests will be ready when they arrive.

YOU AND YOUR COWORKERS