Emily Post’s The Etiquette Advantage in Business, Third Edition

Business events can run the gamut from formal business dinners to casual office parties. But no matter what form an event may take, the general purpose remains the same: to connect and spend time with your colleagues and business associates. In order to accomplish this, you need to be able to focus all your attention on the people you’re with. Being familiar with the protocol of various business affairs—whether they’re held in a restaurant, a club, a private home, or your own offices—leaves you free to partake in and enjoy the event, and be confident in your ability to handle any social or etiquette issue that comes your way.

Business events can take many forms, but what they all have in common is a measure of sociability above and beyond that of an office-bound meeting or appointment. In fact, at some events business matters may not be mentioned or referred to at all. Your own behavior at these events is every bit as important as the fellowship they foster. Remember: These are the particular times when your conversational abilities, your self-assurance, and your table manners are all on display at once. Bear in mind, too, that your manners reflect on the company you represent. Hand-in-hand with your ability to converse and connect with others is knowing how to use the cutlery and eating your food with skill and finesse. (See Chapters 16 and 17.)

Don’t be embarrassed to introduce yourself to someone. When another person is standing alone, this ritual poses no problem (see “Introducing Yourself”); introducing yourself into a group conversation is slightly more difficult.

WELCOME A STRANGER

The next time you are at a business event and a stranger tries to join your group, welcome him. Treat that person just the way you would like to be treated if you were in his shoes. Greet the stranger by offering your hand and introducing yourself first and then the others in your group. “Hi, I’m Jake Wrench. This is Maria Sinclair and Sarah Rodriguez.”

What do you do if you don’t know anyone in a group and you wish to join? Approach the group, but be careful not to interrupt a person in midsentence. Instead, wait and listen for a break or for the person to finish his or her thought. Then make eye contact with one of the group, reach out your hand, and introduce yourself: “Hi, I’m Erin Shaw from LMN.”

• Put aside any shoptalk of the critical or confidential kind. It can be tempting to relax when you’re outside the office, but remember to keep your professional demeanor. A slip of the tongue can come back to haunt you—plus you never know who might overhear.

• Avoid telling off-color jokes and, with strangers, it may be best to avoid telling any jokes at all. What you think is tame or funny, another may think is offensive or fail to see the humor.

• Keep your voice volume to a reasonable level, so as not to add to the din.

• Keep a close rein on drinking. Nothing has as much potential to undermine a good impression as alcohol. Remember that a relatively small amount of alcohol is enough to loosen the tongue. You may be undone to wake up the next morning and realize that you were, in fact, simply blabbering on. (See also the box “The One-Drink Rule,” and the box “One Too Many”.)

Regardless of the type of event, there are certain common expectations and protocols of which you should be aware. Certainly, engaging in small talk and “working the room” are vital parts of being successful. But so, too, are responding to invitations, punctuality, toasts, and the thank-you.

It is mandatory to respond when you receive an invitation to an event. Too many people fail to adhere to this most common courtesy. Event planners, hosts, and hostesses describe the lack of RSVP as the single most frustrating part of organizing and putting on events.

As a rule, punctuality is stressed more at a business affair than at a purely social one. For a business dinner or event, arriving on time is not only expected—it’s also the considerate and smart thing to do. Even if the event is a large reception at which guests’ arrival times are fluid, it’s still wise to arrive close (within five to fifteen minutes) to the time stated on the invitation.

HOW TO BE AN EXPERT AT SMALL TALK

Some people seem to be natural talkers. They approach total strangers and are immediately able to be completely at ease and conversational. How do they do it? Here are six tips to help you be a great conversationalist:

1. BECOME FAMILIAR WITH VARIOUS TOPICS. Read newspapers and newsmagazines to be knowledgeable about world and national events. Read your local paper and tune in to the local news as well. Peruse general-interest magazines and watch television newsmagazine programs to keep up to speed on what’s happening in entertainment and the arts. Know which sports teams are succeeding and which aren’t. Make it your assignment to be a generalist and to know something about a lot of different things. You don’t have to be an expert on all topics, just have enough information to open the door to conversation.

2. ASK PEOPLE THEIR OPINIONS. Before you go to an event, list three or four questions you can ask at the start of a conversation, couching these questions in terms of asking a person for her opinion. People love to be asked for their views on any number of subjects. All you have to do is ask a person for her opinion, and you’ve given her permission to talk away.

3. STAY AWAY FROM CONTROVERSIAL TOPICS. Politics, sex, money, religion—don’t go there. These are potential argument starters that can backfire on you.

4. LEARN ABOUT YOUR HOST(S) AND THE OTHER GUESTS. If possible, find out their interests ahead of time. Do they enjoy skiing, traveling, hiking, collecting stamps? You can ask colleagues or your boss, or if the event is in your host’s home or office, take note of pictures and other objects for clues.

5. LISTEN. LISTEN. LISTEN. Become a great listener by focusing on the person who is talking and tuning out the other distractions around you. Stand up straight and show your interest by making eye contact, nodding, and occasionally paraphrasing what the other person is saying to show you understand. (See also “The Art of Listening”.)

6. PRACTICE. PRACTICE. PRACTICE. Try talking to people who are “safe” (that is, non-business-related) conversational partners: cabdrivers, people at the supermarket checkout counter, your seatmate on a plane. Becoming comfortable with these folks will help you to be comfortable with strangers at company functions, where the small talk may really matter.

At many large parties, toasting the guest of honor or the host with wine or champagne may be expected. (It’s fine to toast with any liquid—even water.) Anyone considering making a toast should prepare beforehand, if only to mentally rehearse what you plan to say so as not to fumble the words. Unless your toast has been designated as the principal one of the evening, keep your remarks short and to the point. The principal toast is a small speech of sorts, and it should be composed in writing and rehearsed by the speaker in advance. A glance at your notes is acceptable, but try to speak as extemporaneously as possible.

• The host is the first to toast, attracting the crowd’s attention by standing and raising his or her glass; tapping on a glass with a knife should be considered a measure of last resort.

• At formal occasions everyone, except the person being toasted, stands.

• The guests respond to the toast by taking a sip of their drinks—but never draining the glass.

• The person being toasted does not drink to himself.

• After the toast, the person who is being toasted rises, bows in acknowledgment, and says thank you. He may also raise his own glass to propose a toast to the host, the chef, or anyone else he sees fit to so honor.

• At private or small informal dinners, it is acceptable for everyone—toaster and toastee included—to remain seated.

The answer to “Should I write a note?” is that it’s never wrong, but it might depend on the type of event or the way the invitation was issued. (see “The Thank-You Note”.)

Corporate events range from small gatherings to large formal or semiformal events put on by the company, or events attended by company representatives. These can include affairs from company picnics and barbeques (possibly potlucks) to events for which the dress is black tie and no expense is spared. The purpose may be to launch a new product, to garner publicity, or simply to create goodwill among employees, prospects, and/or clients. Large or small parties limited to the company’s employees might mark an anniversary or toast the retirement of a prominent executive. These events may be held at traditional off-site venues like the ballroom of a hotel, a full-service party facility, a private club, or the CEO’s home. A museum, a park, a historic house, a theater, or a botanical garden are some examples of typical but nontraditional venues.

When planning a company-sponsored event, it’s important to set the right tone from the start, beginning with your invitations. The employee in charge of drawing up the guest list should start by consulting every department head to make sure no key clients or customers are overlooked. Once the list is compiled, the invitation is written so that recipients are told everything they need to know before accepting and attending. For a large event, invitations should be mailed six to eight weeks in advance; for cocktail parties or less formal events, three to four weeks in advance.

Formal invitations are set in a traditional serif typeface; the numbers are spelled out. For a more personal touch, the example shown here includes the recipients’ names, which are handwritten.

An invitation for a more informal event uses numerals for the date and time as well as a less traditional typeface. Information for RSVPs—name, address, and telephone number—is also supplied.

Whether your invitation is formal or fanciful, the envelope addresses can be typed or printed, though for more formal events handwritten is preferred. Use a fountain pen, not a ballpoint. Don’t go overboard with showy calligraphy, and never use address labels. The invitation should include the following:

• Who is hosting (usually the senior officer, CEO, board of directors)

• The purpose of the event

• The date, time, and location

• The style of dress

• Whether there will be food and/or dancing

• How to reply

• Other enclosures, such as a map or instructions about transportation routes and the availability of parking; or an admission card, which will note whether the invitation admits one or two.

A formal invitation is traditionally engraved or printed in black on quality white or ecru paper and is usually a double-fold card. But unless the company’s image calls for such formality, lighter designs that set the mood are perfectly acceptable.

Because a receiving line speeds introductions, arranging one is a smart choice for functions of more than sixty people. Guests who arrive too late and find the line disbanded must accept not only that they may not meet the host but also that the host may never know they were present.

It’s fine for guests to hold a drink while waiting in a receiving line, but they should set their glasses down before it is their turn to go through. Servers may be standing by with trays for that purpose. If you see none, then find a nearby table and deposit your glass. Once the moment arrives, shake hands, introduce yourself if you do not know the host, and briefly exchange a few pleasant words with each member of the line. Be careful to avoid lengthy conversations so as not to hold up those behind you.

If the party is large and has no receiving line, the host may appoint two or three people as introducers. Introducers make sure that every person who arrives eventually meets the host at some point during the evening. Do make it a point to locate the host on your own if necessary, so that you’re able to briefly say “hello” and thank him or her for the hospitality. At some large, formal functions without a receiving line, an MC or other designated person announces and introduces the host and honored guests to the entire party.

If it’s impossible to thank the host—this can happen, particularly at the party’s end, when he may be swamped by people trying to do the same—write a note the next day (see “The Thank-You Note”) in which, along with your thanks, you express your regrets that you weren’t able to thank him in person.

At a business event, predinner drinks and hors d’oeuvres will more than likely be served—from a bar, buffet tables of various kinds, trays carried by waiters who circulate through the room, or any combination thereof.

If there is no true bar on the premises, bartenders will serve from a table, mixing drinks or pouring wine or beer as requested. Before ordering, be certain it’s your turn. If you’re in doubt, ask anyone who arrived at the bar or drinks table before you whether he or she is being served.

Waiters, too, will probably be passing through the room, taking drink orders and serving drinks. Don’t make a beeline to a waiter to grab a glass or place your order; either wait patiently until the waiter comes your way or go stand in line at the drinks table or bar. Keep the drink in your left hand so that your right one doesn’t get cold or wet from holding a drink and is ready for handshakes. When your glass is empty, look for a sideboard or tables where used glasses and plates are deposited; if you can’t find one, ask a waiter or the bartender what to do with your glass and then thank him when he more than likely takes it.

This may be the only food service offered, or it might be combined with self-service at a buffet table or stations. Waiters circulate with trays of hors d’oeuvres, stopping to offer them to guests. Finger foods and bite-size hors d’oeuvres can usually be taken in your fingers and eaten directly. The server will also have small napkins that you can take to clean your fingers.

What to do with food skewers or toothpicks after you’ve eaten an hors d’oeuvre? There’s usually a small receptacle on the waiter’s tray for used ones. If not, hold any items (including drink stirrers) until you find a wastebasket or can give it to a passing waitperson. Don’t place used items on the buffet table unless you see a waste receptacle there.

Hors d’oeuvres and canapés may be set out on a buffet table, with guests picking up plates and helping themselves to both finger foods and dishes that require a fork. Take small portions, and don’t return for plateful after plateful; at this stage of the party, the food takes a backseat to the people around you—not the other way around.

JUGGLING YOUR DRINK AND YOUR PLATE WHILE SHAKING HANDS

You can do this only with great difficulty, of course—meaning that a nod and a smile might have to substitute for a handshake. Standing close to a table could solve the problem, by giving you a place to put your plate. Another option is to limit your intake of food, thus freeing up a hand. If you suspect that you’ll be hungry and tempted to spend more time eating than mingling, have a snack before the event.

Food stations are smaller tables set up in strategic locations around the room. Each holds a different kind of food—filet, turkey, shrimp, pasta, ethnic specialties, vegetarian dishes. The idea behind this arrangement is to create several shorter lines instead of one long one. Often referred to as “heavy hors d’oeuvres,” food stations can take the place of a sit-down dinner or a buffet table. Don’t be surprised if there is no other food service than the food stations.

At a large sit-down dinner, there is a good chance you’ll be seated with strangers—but only momentarily, since making introductions all around is essential. People seated together at a table always introduce themselves to each other as a sign of courtesy and respect, even when they expect to conduct separate conversations. At a small table—six or fewer people—you can shake hands with each person. At a large table—seven or more people—shake hands with the people near you who are easy to reach, and then acknowledge the people farther away with a nod, a smile, and a “Nice to meet you” greeting.

The presence of place cards on the table—or, alternatively, a card given to you listing your table number—means that the host has decided where you are to sit. It is extremely rude to alter the arrangement of the cards or switch them with those from another table as a means of getting closer to the head table, obtaining a better view, or sitting with friends or colleagues. Hosts take great care with seating plans and your seat was chosen with you in mind and your tablemates are people your host would like you to meet.

If no place cards are on the tables, guests may sit wherever they choose. At the same time, they should never seat themselves without asking those already at the table for permission: “Do you mind if I join you?” or “Excuse me—are these chairs taken?” (A chair tilted against the table is the traditional signal that the place is reserved.) If you’re given the go-ahead, introduce yourself, along with your spouse or significant other, as you sit down.

No matter how elaborate the table setting or service may be, remember that the way you treat those around you—not to mention your sparkling wit and tasteful attire—will be remembered far longer than your misuse of a fish fork. Table manners are a vital concern, but they should never be fretted over so much that your anxiety overshadows your comfort, sense of ease, and ability to be a good conversationalist. (See also Chapter 16 and Chapter 17.)

Office parties serve to build morale and showcase the company. They, especially the informal variety, also provide employees with the chance to become better acquainted and perhaps to establish real friendships—an important side benefit in a time when the workplace has become the principal venue for social contacts.

ONE TOO MANY

People who drink too much at office parties risk serious harm to their professional careers. Sloppiness and lack of self-control become obvious to superiors, who will think twice—or, worse, never—about giving a big drinker future responsibilities. Belligerent and unruly behavior or sexual aggressiveness can lead directly to dismissal. Even relatively benign behavior while under the influence—laughing too loudly, talking too much, acting giddy, or becoming quietly morose—will be remembered and can spoil a reputation. A good host keeps a careful eye on employees during an office party; fellow employees can help, too, by watching out for the coworker who is overindulging and steering him or her toward the coffee or even taking him or her home before the situation becomes obvious.

Whoever in the department is in charge of the party (or, if it’s a company-wide affair, the company event planner) will send a memo on paper or by email to each staff member. An example: “The production department will celebrate a good year and the holidays on Friday, December 23, in Meeting Room C. All work stops at 3:30 P.M. sharp for refreshments and a buffet. Will you join us?” When the party is to be held in a restaurant, hotel, or club, more formal invitations may be sent.

Spouses, significant others, and dates may or may not be invited. If spouses and significant others are included, then single employees should be given the opportunity to bring a guest as well. The party invitation should be clearly addressed to invitees by name: “Mr. and Mrs. Brown,” “John Brown and Sarah Foster, “ or “Ms. Greene and Guest.”

At a party held after work in the workplace, both men and women can simply show up in the clothes they have worn all day. Or they may opt to change into fancier dress in anticipation of the event.

At an office party held outside the office, both men and women generally change from work clothes into dress clothes. Because this is a business affair, overly dressy or revealing clothing is in poor taste. It’s advisable to err on the conservative side. If you’re unsure about the proper attire, check with a colleague who has attended these off-site social events in the past or with the event coordinator.

Employers and employees often throw parties when someone leaves or retires, when a coworker is going to be married or about to have a baby, or when individual achievements are to be honored. Office sports teams traditionally celebrate with postgame get-togethers. Many businesses also have regular birthday parties for workers.

Special-occasion parties may be given by the boss or by the staff; they should include the entire department and possibly any special friends of the guest of honor who work in other areas of the company. While spouses and significant others of the guests aren’t necessarily included in such events, especially if the party is given within regular office hours, the spouse or partner of the guest of honor should be invited.

TEN TIPS FOR THE HOLIDAY OFFICE PARTY

Q. I’m new to the workplace and this is my first holiday office party. What should I know?

A. The holiday office party is a time for everyone in the office to kick back and enjoy each other’s company. This type of business social event is more social than business. Yet, as fun and partylike as it is, there are situations that can trip you up and cause you to have to apologize the next day. That’s something you want to avoid. Here are ten tips for navigating the office party (whether it’s your own, a client’s, or a vendor’s party) and making it an event to remember positively.

1. When the invitation is issued, make sure to RSVP as soon as possible but definitely by the “reply by” date.

2. If the invitation includes a significant other, be sure to ask him first and then let the organizer know if you’re attending alone or with him.

3. Give your significant other the heads-up about what to wear so she can plan accordingly.

4. Arrive on time. There’s nothing worse than being late and looking like you either don’t care or are disorganized.

5. Be sure to introduce your significant other to your boss and to the people you work with, especially if she’s never met any of them. It helps her to put a face to the names of the people that you talk about when you come home.

6. Don’t abandon your significant other. Make an extra effort to include him in the conversation.

7. Avoid talking about work. This event is a time to get to know your coworkers on a more personal level—discover their hobbies and interests. You may find out the person you haven’t connected well with at work shares your interest in movies, cycling, or music.

8. Beware of drinking too much. Often the office party starts right after work. You may not have eaten much all day. Long before you’re over the limit, alcohol can cause you to say or do things that you might regret or have to apologize for the next day. Avoid that possibility completely by not drinking at all or by adhering to a one-drink rule for the evening. (See the box “The One-Drink Rule”.)

9. Enjoy the food, but eat in moderation, and most certainly don’t ask if you can take a “to-go bag” home.

10. Thank your boss and the organizer of the party twice, once at the end of the party when you find them and say good-bye and the second time when you send a thank-you note to each of them. (see “The Thank-You Note”.)

These informal parties may be given in the office, a conference room, or the cafeteria. Alternatively, a lunch or dinner can be held at a nearby restaurant. A staff committee or the boss’s executive assistant is usually designated to handle the details, including time, place, menu, entertainment, and gifts. Company sponsored parties should be funded by the company, not with contributions from employees. If you are the party organizer, make sure you have established who is paying. If it is an event for which employees are paying, say a baby shower for a coworker, then it’s a good idea to collect party funds before you begin incurring out-of-pocket expenses.

There are several important rules to remember when planning a special-occasion party:

• Clear the event with your superior. Be certain that the scheduled date and time don’t conflict with important business.

• Reserve the party space well in advance.

• Don’t impose your party planning on people who are trying to work. Be considerate of your coworkers’ time and job responsibilities.

• Don’t overdo your party privileges; a weekly—or even a monthly—party is simply too much. So is throwing a workplace bridal shower for your coworker’s sister’s granddaughter.

SHOULD I SEND A THANK-YOU NOTE AFTER A HOLIDAY OFFICE PARTY?

Q. I thought company parties are a way for the employer to say “thanks” and therefore not something the employee should have to send a thank-you for attending. If the parties are hosted and paid for by a boss or colleague out of their own pocket, then a thank-you is expected. How are the attendees to know? It is always okay to send a thank-you if you are not sure and to err on the side of graciousness?

A. A holiday party is a gesture of appreciation. Your question points out that the office party is the boss’s way of saying thank you to the employees and as such you wonder if a thank-you really requires a thank-you in return.

One manager told us that following a holiday party the support staff wrote thank-you notes, but that his upper-level reports did not, subtly implying that the company “owed” them the party or dinner. The manager has a decidedly negative opinion of those who didn’t write and, conversely, an excellent opinion of the support staff who did show their appreciation. Looked at this way, there is only an upside, and sending a thank-you note becomes the obvious choice. It is an opportunity. Take it.

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