11. Universal Truth No. 9: All Children Need Age-Appropriate Limits on Their Behavior
In the middle of Knott’s Berry Farm in Southern California sits a historic, one-room schoolhouse from the 1880s. Moved from its original location in Kansas several decades ago, it is well preserved and filled with relics of a bygone age. A copy of the Pledge of Allegiance (written pre-“Under God”) hangs on one wall. A tall, menacing dunce cap sits in one corner. And next to the door, tacked to the wall, is a list of school rules and the corresponding punishments allotted for breaking them. The list reads, in part:
Boys and Girls Playing Together . . . 4 lashes
Playing Cards at School . . . 10 lashes
Climbing for Every Foot Up the Tree . . . 1 lash
Telling Tales Out of School . . . 8 lashes
Making Swings and Swinging on Them . . . 7 lashes
You get the idea.
Rules were made. Rules were followed. Rules were enforced in unpleasant ways. Old-paradigm thinking through and through. The mere idea that a list of rules might be posted for children without threatening a specific punishment—or, in fact, that there would be no punishment at all—would have been considered absurd by 1880s Kansas standards.
Frankly, it seems absurd by many 2010s standards.
Indeed, one of the most common questions we receive from parents is this one: If we don’t punish our kids, how do we get them to observe our rules, even when they don’t want to? The implication here is that it’s impossible to enforce rules without punishment, that enforcement equals punishment.
This is yet another parenting myth.
Children do require age-appropriate limits on their behavior—it is our ninth universal truth!—just as they need to be held accountable for choices that hurt other people’s feelings or property, but pairing limits or guidance with unpleasant consequences is not only counterintuitive, it works against several of the other universal truths.
In short: Limits are necessary; punishments are not.
How to Set and Uphold Limits
Just in case it’s not perfectly clear, limits are very different from boundaries and requests. Remember, boundaries are personal guideposts we set for ourselves based on what we are willing to do. Requests are invitations to comply with a desired activity. Limits are guidelines we impose on our children, dictating what they are allowed and not allowed to do based on what we think is best.
“There is a crucial difference between the old way of imposing restrictions and the new way of setting limits.”
— HAIM GINOTT
Limits: Behavioral guidelines that parents impose on their children, based on what the parent thinks is best.
Limits are, by definition, prescriptive. They define what you, the parent, will and will not allow your child to do—and they are based on what you believe to be reasonable for your child. Most limits occur around safety and health issues, although other types of limits may be imposed in accordance with culture, morality, or religion; we call these miscellaneous limits. Below are some examples of limits a parent might set.
Health Limits
• “My four-year-old will brush his teeth twice a day.”
• “My five-year-old will get ten hours of sleep.”
• “My eight-year-old will eat some fruit or vegetables every day.”
Safety Limits
• “My toddler will only play in the pool with a responsible adult.”
• “My seven-year-old will wear a bike helmet.”
• “My teenager will have a curfew.”
Miscellaneous Limits
• “My ten-year-old will be responsible for making his own lunch for school.”
• “Each of my children will have a chore to do.”
• “My children will attend religious services with extended family on holidays.”
The number and type of limits we place on our children depends a bit on our family’s history, culture, circumstances, and philosophy, as well as the age of each child. The younger the child, the more limits we will place on his behavior. Babies, for example, are completely reliant on us to keep them safe and healthy; those early years are full of limits. But, as children grow and their frontal lobes develop, the limits start to fall away. This is because with each passing milestone, we are relinquishing some responsibility for their health and safety back to them. This happens bit by bit over the course of their childhoods, so that, ideally, by the time they graduate from high school, they may look to us to give guidance—but not to set limits.
What Makes a Limit “Reasonable”?
We have a tendency to view limits as things that children push against. But, in fact, our children willingly cooperate with the majority of our limits—crossing the street with an adult, for instance—as long as our limits are reasonable under the circumstances. What do we generally mean by reasonable? The same thing we meant when we talked about boundaries.
1.Age-appropriate (The street-crossing limit is clearly appropriate for a three-year-old, not for a ten-year-old.)
2.Explainable (It’s dangerous for young children to cross the street by themselves because the drivers can’t see them and they might get hit by a car.)
3.Consistent (You are not wishy-washy about the street-crossing limit; you uphold it, and expect your child to uphold it, every single time you cross the street.)
As with boundaries, it helps to state the limits in advance. (“We are going to be crossing the street in a little bit, so we’ll hold hands as we do.”) And it helps to state the limit respectfully. (“Please wait for me to cross the street” versus “If you ever try to cross the street by yourself, you’ll be in big trouble.”)
My child’s health limits include:
My child’s safety limits include:
My child’s miscellaneous limits include:
ParentShift Assignment: Name Your Struggles
Take a moment to think about how you were raised. Were your parents strong or weak limit-setters? How so? And what about you? Do you have reasonable, age-appropriate, and consistent limits for your child? Which limits do you struggle the most to set?
Upholding Limits with Kindness
As we discussed earlier, boundary-setting and limit-setting go hand in hand. If your boundaries were not respected as a child, you may have a bit of trouble setting reasonable limits for your child. Often, parents find themselves being permissive about limits until they become angry, then using their anger to fuel firmer limit-setting. When this is the case, parents often wind up barking orders, shaming the child, and saying things they regret. And the worst part? They begin to associate limit-setting with anger.
If this is the case with you, your assignment is to break this pattern. Make new associations. Kids need reasonable limits; they want reasonable limits. And it works a whole lot better when we’re not jerks about it.
As with asserting boundaries, upholding limits requires only four steps:
1.Give feeling acknowledgers.
2.Make sure the limit is reasonable under the circumstances.
3.Kindly state the limit.
4.Ask an empowering question.
For example, your seven-year-old says, “I don’t want to go to school today.”
First, you go into empathy mode. You listen to your child’s complaints about school and give feeling acknowledgers: “Looks like you’re annoyed that today’s a school day . . . You’ve had a full week at school already, haven’t you? . . . I bet you are tired and just want to stay home and play with your toys all day . . . You make sense!” All the while, you are pausing to allow your child a chance to talk out his feelings—which he does with vehemence.
Opening with feeling acknowledgers is important because you are providing an opportunity for your child to open up to you if something else is going on at school—like he’s being bullied or is afraid of his teacher. It is also giving you time to make sure your limit is reasonable under the circumstances. You decide that expecting your seven-year-old to go to school is reasonable.
After receiving a few “connected cues,” you kindly state the limit: “It’s a school day, buddy. You have to go to school.”
Then you ask an empowering question: “What can you do to make going to school more fun this morning?”
Remember, the limit is not on the table. Your child must go to school.
But that doesn’t mean he has to like it! We all know what it’s like to have to go to school when we’re not in the mood. And, as you learned in Chapter 5, shutting down his feelings, even when you think they’ve gone on long enough, can work against you.
As long as you give plenty of time for the feeling acknowledgers, these four simple steps will get you through a great many limit-related conflicts. And sometimes—often even—they are all that’s required: the child already knows the limit and will make peace with reality on his own.
Still, if you find yourself having the same conflicts over the same limits over and over again—you’ve got a what we call a systems problem, and it’s clearly time for a mutual agreement.
When Your Child Opposes Your Limits: Enter the Mutual Agreement
It’s bath time for your three-year-old, and she won’t get in; that’s a common complaint. Or your child doesn’t want to do her chores, go to bed without a fuss, turn off the TV, get into her car seat, or leave a playdate. You can hold the limit and empathize until the cows come home, but this won’t necessarily end the conflict.
Here we offer you one of the crown jewels of heart-centered parenting: the mutual agreement.
The mutual agreement is a back-and-forth negotiation that leads to a meeting of minds. It’s win-win parenting in action in that both sides feel empowered, both sides get what they want, and no one walks away feeling powerless. Mutual agreements are based on respect and are always open to renegotiation. If one person doesn’t like how the mutual agreement is working out, a new agreement may be reached. A mutual agreement is not a “compromise.” In a compromise, both parties give up something and neither is truly satisfied. In a mutual agreement, no one gives up anything and both parties are satisfied.
Mutual Agreement: An understanding reached between two or more people. All mutual agreements require 100 percent buy-in from each person, and all agreements are negotiable.
Again, limits themselves are not negotiable. Just because your five-year-old doesn’t want to brush her teeth twice daily doesn’t change the fact that she must brush her teeth twice daily. But there is a lot of room for negotiation in the space that surrounds the limit. And that is where the mutual agreement lives.
Like boundaries, limits lie in the protected core of the circle. No matter what happens, your limit remains steadfast. The outer area is the place for mutual agreements and may involve questions of when, where, which, who, and how.
For instance, say your kid doesn’t like brushing her teeth. You might say, “Kiddo, you need to brush your teeth twice a day. That’s a limit. You don’t have a choice on that one. But maybe we can come up with some ways to make brushing teeth more fun for you.” Then maybe you’d let your child choose where and when to brush her teeth, what style of toothbrush to use, or who assists with the brushing if age-appropriate.
Just remember, whatever the situation, be sure to accurately identify the limit and state it clearly:
• “You may not walk home by yourself at night.”
• “It’s not okay to hit Mommy.”
• “I can’t let you spend the night at the neighbor’s house tonight.”
There are two requirements for mutual agreements to work:
• The mutual agreement must be genuine. If your child is only “acting” like she agrees in order to get the conversation over with, then it’s not a true agreement. (Better to table the discussion and come back to it later than to have your child agree to something he has no intention of honoring.)
• The mutual agreement must be open to renegotiation. If, at any time, the agreement is not working for parent or child, either can set a time to renegotiate the agreement. (In the meantime, the agreement stands.)
Mutual agreements can take many forms. They may be reached in an instant or may require a sit-down discussion, and we’ll talk about both ways in a moment. Ultimately, though, the purpose is the same: to make the limit more palatable without lessening its potency. For example: Your four-year-old may complain that she cannot swim in the pool by herself, but the limit will be more palatable, and no less potent, if you and she agree that she can get in the pool with her teenage cousin.
Mutual Agreement Type #1:
The Informal Win-Win
If the limit involves a simple problem rather than a more complicated or recurring one—for instance, your child is playing and doesn’t want to put away his clothes—you might create an “informal” mutual agreement, which we call the win-win (or “happy-happy” for toddlers).
Here’s how:
1.Pause, breathe, and ask, “What does my child need in this moment?”
2.Empathize. Offer feeling acknowledgers and become the container until the child feels heard. “I imagine you are feeling tired out from school and mad that I asked you to put your clothes away while you are playing,” you might say.
3.Create the win-win. You might brainstorm with your child or ask an empowering question. “What solution can we find that would work for both of us?” you might say, or “When would you be willing to put the clothes away?” If the child suggests something you think is unreasonable (“I want to keep all my clothes on the floor from now on”), you might say: “That’s a win for you and not for me. What is a solution that would work for both of us?”
4.Confirm and review the win-win. Ask your child, “Is this solution a win-win for both of us?” and then “Let’s review what we just agreed to.”
These agreements can be made anytime, anywhere. They may take only a moment, or they may take several minutes.
True Story!
A sixteen-year-old boy—one of six children—was supposed to take out the trash as part of his chores. One day, he complained that there was a big spider around the trashcan and that he didn’t want to do it. His mom, who normally would have been annoyed by her son’s refusal and given him a lecture, instead asked, “What would you be willing to do instead?” He shocked her by saying, “I will do all the dishes.” She was delighted. A win-win.
Mutual Agreement Type #2:
The Formal Roundtable
If the limit involves a more persistent or complex issue—or you’ve tried to set up an informal win-win that does not seem to be working quite right—then you’ll want to sit down together, when no one is stressed and everyone is in the zone, and work out a formal mutual agreement.
Oftentimes, formal agreements involve new rituals, routines, or systems: a new bath-time routine, a new nighttime ritual, a new chore system. There is no difference between how informal and formal agreements are enforced—and we’ll get to that part in a bit. The only difference is in how the agreements are set up. The informal agreement can be reached on the fly; a formal agreement requires more time.
If you want to ensure that the formal agreement is successful, we strongly suggest you set up a formal agreement during a scheduled, roundtable-style discussion.
Remember, the formal roundtable is a precise process, so it’s important to go through the following steps as you would a pilot’s checklist. Follow each step. No skipping!
1. Make sure you and your child are in the zone. If either or both of you are angry, the roundtable is useless. Come back another time.
2. Make sure this is a parent-owned challenge. Is there a natural consequence attached to the challenge at hand? If so, the challenge probably belongs to the child, not the parent.
3. Make sure your child’s seven SPECIAL needs are being met. Remember, this is in the child’s perception, not yours. Make sure your child’s Emotional Bank Account is full of deposits before you try to reach a mutual agreement.
4. Rid yourself of any hidden agendas. Go into the roundtable being open to new ways of thinking and willing to explore everyone’s ideas. If you have some locked-in solution in mind, the rest of this becomes manipulation, and your child will know it.
5. Own your part. Take personal responsibility and share with your child how you have “co-created” the current challenge. Allow plenty of time for you and your child to express feelings and concerns. Refrain from saying anything that might cause your child to feel guilt, shame, blame, or fear; otherwise, she will view this process as punishment. Use feeling acknowledgers. Become the container.
6. Brainstorm. This is similar to the brainstorming you learned earlier to do around boundaries, only here everyone must all agree on the solution. Get out a whiteboard or paper. State the limit and challenge at hand, and begin throwing out ideas. Remember, no verbal or nonverbal judgment. No saying, “That will never work!” or rolling your eyes. Remember to write down everything—even the goofy ideas, even the ideas you’d never actually agree to. Making this process light and fun is especially important when children are easily bored or distracted.
7. Pare it down. After all the ideas have been listed, identify the solutions that you both find agreeable. You might begin by crossing off solutions that will not work for one or both of you. Have your child go first and cross off one item, then you go. Continue this process until you both agree with the solutions left on the list.
8. Decide to try one. Prioritize the solutions in the order you are willing to try them.
9. Run the solution through four filters:
• Is the solution respectful?
• Is the solution reasonable?
• Is the solution reconnecting your relationship?
• Does the solution give your child an opportunity to take responsibility for his actions or behaviors?
10. Agree to renegotiate as needed. Be open to revisiting the agreement if either you or your child is no longer satisfied with the solution.
If a mutual agreement involves more than one “step” or terms that are likely to be forgotten by your child (or by you!), we strongly suggest you involve your child in writing down the new agreement or routine, have everyone sign it, and then hang it somewhere easy to see.
“Kids growing up in win-win home environments rarely need to act out to create a sense of power, worth or safety in their lives.”
— JANE BLUESTEIN
Real-World Examples of Mutual Agreements
Here are some more examples of both informal and formal mutual agreements reached around limits.
Limit: Four-year-old will have a bath regularly.
Mutual agreement: Family agrees that bath time will be on Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. The bath will be after dinner and before bedtime, it will include bubbles and toys, and it will last a maximum of one hour.
Limit: Six-year-old will be in bed with the lights out by 8:30 p.m.
Mutual agreement: Family agrees to a bedtime routine: pajamas, then teeth, then a song, then three books, then cuddle time in bed with Mom or Dad for fifteen minutes, then Mom or Dad leaves and child stays in bed and goes to sleep.
Limit: Twelve-year-old will do her homework every day.
Mutual agreement: Family agrees that child will get an hour of free time after school, before homework begins. Dad will be available to help with homework between 6:30 and 8 p.m. Mom won’t play her bluegrass albums during homework time.
Limit: Fourteen-year-old will get regular exercise.
Mutual agreement: Family agrees that teen gets to choose what activities she wants to do. If it requires the parent to drive her somewhere—i.e., to the swimming pool or to the gym—she will provide advanced notice.
Limit: Seventeen-year-old will have a curfew.
Mutual agreement: Family decides on 11 p.m. curfew on weekends.
Limit: All kids will have chores.
Mutual agreement: Family makes a Family Job Wheel and agrees to rotate the wheel at weekly family meetings.
Limit: Children and parents will clean up their messes in the living room by the end of the day.
Mutual agreement: All items left in the living room at the end of the day get put into a big bucket that lives in the garage. Kids and parents can retrieve their items from the bucket anytime they like during the week. Then, at the end of the week, the whole family goes through the bucket and puts away what is theirs; they may also decide to donate the leftover toys or items to charity. (We call this the Big Bucket idea. Feel free to steal it.)
Using Limits as Leverage? That’s a Red Flag
Just a quick note: Using your limits as leverage when trying to get kids to do as they’re told is a red flag that you are having problems around that particular limit. When a parent says, “Pick up your toys right now or I’m going to make you go to bed early,” you can be sure that the parent is having trouble setting limits around bedtime. Or if a parent says, “You know better than to leave your homework until the last minute. I’m taking away your cell phone for a week,” it’s a clear indication that the parent is having trouble setting limits around cell phone use. By making bedtime “a punishment,” you are literally making matters worse for yourself, and by making cell phone use a “reward,” you are making it more enticing, not less. Time to stop the threats and adopt a new system.
ParentShift Assignment: Put Those Mutual Agreements to Work
Turn back to the Solving Problems Checklist where you listed some of the challenges you were experiencing with your child. Name those you think may be alleviated through a mutual agreement.
Subjects of parent-child conflict that are ripe for mutual agreements include:
• Allocation of rooms/closets
• Allowances/money
• Bath time
• Bedtime
• Behavior of kids when outside the home
• Bike helmets
• Car seats and seat belts
• Chores
• Climbing trees
• Condition of shared areas in home
• Crossing the street
• Curfews
• Electronics use
• Homework
• Kinds of food available in the home
• Laundry
• Leaving the house without parents’ knowledge
• Mealtimes
• Teeth-brushing
• Use of car
• Use of swimming pool
“If somebody suggests that you should be more ‘consistent,’ tell them you are being consistent . . . ‘I’m consistently following my heart.’”
—SCOTT NOELLE
Do You Have a “Systems Problem” or a “Relationship Problem”?
When limits lead to challenges, they are sometimes called “systems problems.” That is, the solution to the problem lies in the creation of a new routine or system via a mutual agreement. For instance, when a parent has a hard time getting his child to school on time every day or to sleep at night, he may be dealing with a systems problem. If that’s the case, the resolution will, at least in part, involve devising a new morning or evening routine for the family.
Systems Problem: A parent-child conflict arising from the lack of an organized procedure, routine, or plan of action. A new, well-organized system based on a mutual agreement is usually the answer.
Systems problems are very different from other types of problems, though. A system won’t solve a child-owned challenge, for instance. Neither will it solve what we call “relationship problems”—challenges rooted in unmet emotional needs. We’ll get to relationship problems, and how to solve them, in the next chapter.
Relationship Problem: A parent-child conflict caused by the child’s perception that her needs are not being met. Strengthening the relationship by meeting the child’s seven SPECIAL needs is usually the answer.
Grasping the difference between systems problems and relationship problems is especially crucial because mutual agreements do not work on relationship problems. If a child is hanging onto your leg because he needs attention, is sitting in the middle of the supermarket and refusing to move because he lacks power, or is hitting you because he lacks connection—a mutual agreement will not do the trick. In fact, as we noted earlier, a connected relationship is a prerequisite for any successful mutual agreement. That’s because true cooperation can only exist if a child’s needs are being met.
Limits without Relationship = Rebellion.
Limits with Relationship = Cooperation.
To be clear: If you believe that you have both a systems and relationship problem running at one time (which is common!), the ParentShift Solutions Process always will route you to the relationship first. If the child’s needs aren’t being met, mutual agreement often won’t stick.
Experiencing Power Struggles? Surprise! It Has Nothing to Do with Limits
Ah, yes, the power struggle. We say something perfectly reasonable, like “It’s time for bed.” They say something entirely unreasonable, like “I’m never going to bed. Never ever. And you can’t make me and, no, I won’t negotiate, and LALALALA, I can’t even hear you anymore!” It’s as annoying as it is common. You might be tempted to assume that the power struggle has erupted around the limit—in this case, going to bed. But, surprisingly, that’s not the case. If you are experiencing power struggles in your house, either your child is under six (in which case the power struggle is often developmentally appropriate—meaning she literally can’t help herself) or your child doesn’t feel that her emotional needs are being met, meaning the limit is just an innocent bystander caught in the crosshairs of your relationship problem. For age-appropriate power struggles, informal win-wins can help. But for relationship-related power struggles, mutual agreements will never solve the problem—because the underlying problem has nothing to do with the limit. The limit is just the stimulus. Either way, you’ll be glad to know the next chapter contains lots of advice about avoiding and getting out of both kinds of power struggles.
When the CHILD BREAKS A MUTUAL AGREEMENT
Now that you know the best practices of limit-setting, let’s get to some worst-case scenario stuff here. Because even the most reasonable, explainable limits and the most precise, well-planned mutual agreements are bound to go sideways from time to time.
Sometimes children forget the agreement: “I thought you said it was okay to have seven cookies if I ate something healthy first.” Other times they have trouble sticking to it: “But I really, really, really, REALLY want a seventh cookie!” They may “test” the agreement to see if it still stands: “I’ll have seven cookies today and only two cookies tomorrow, okay?” They may even defy the limits because they think it’s funny: “Look at me, Mom! Cookie number seven! Going into my mouth right now! HAHAHAHA!”
Or they may make poor choices simply because they’re kids, and sometimes kids make poor choices. They don’t see the big picture the way we do; they don’t understand the consequences or understand that seven cookies will lead to a massive bellyache later.
Picture a child who agrees not to play ball in the house and then accidentally hurts his little brother while playing with his ball in the house. Or a child who agrees to share responsibility for an iPod with her sister and then forgets it in her jacket pocket, which goes directly into the washing machine.
What then?
First of all, when making mutual agreements, a little stumbling is to be expected. You may need to tweak things on occasion. You may even find yourself apologizing about your inability to keep up your end of the bargain. You might say, for example, “We agreed to no cell phones at dinner, and here I am looking at my phone! I’m sorry; I’ll shut this thing off.”
The important thing, though, is that you give the agreement a chance to work before you try a different solution. Here’s how to uphold mutual agreements without losing your temper.
Upholding Mutual Agreements with Kindness
It can be frustrating when you spend forty-five minutes working out a mutual agreement, and then the child breaks or wants to break the agreement the very next day. But it’s also bound to happen, so it’s probably best to expect it.
In these cases, the steps are very similar, but not identical, to asserting boundaries and upholding limits. The difference is that, when upholding mutual agreements, you do not need to decide if the mutual agreement is reasonable. (You already know it is because you’ve both agreed that it is.) And instead of offering empowering questions, you offer choices instead. Here are the three steps:
1. Give feeling acknowledgers.
2. Kindly state the mutual agreement.
3. Offer a choice.
For example, you and your four-year-old have agreed to an 8:30 bedtime. She wants to stay up later.
First, you give feeling acknowledgers: “I hear how disappointed you feel. You really wanted to play some more, and now it’s bedtime . . . I wish I could turn the clock back for you.”
Then you kindly state mutual agreement: “Remember, we agreed to an 8:30 bedtime.”
And last, you offer a choice. “You can either play a little more and skip books tonight, or we can head in now and read. What do you want to do?” (Click here for a refresher on how to give choices.)
For slightly older children, you might say, “What are your options here?” or “What else can you do?” The point is to get your child’s input, let her make up her own mind about what to do, and/or to take responsibility for her decisions without violating the mutual agreement.
Make no mistake: That third part—the choice/options part—is so important. Often, parents think that when children make choices that break a mutual agreement, they must impose a punishment or incessantly nag the kid. But this deprives children of the opportunity to recognize their mistakes. They are too busy feeling they have been harmed by the imposed punishment or nagging.
Remember the scenario we mentioned—the one about the laundered iPod? That’s a true story involving two of the Hatfields’ daughters. After mulling over her options, the daughter at fault, Kari, decided to take money out of her own savings account and replace the iPod.
What If My Child Is Too Young for Mutual Agreements?
Children under seven sometimes have a hard time with limits because their age alone makes them unable to fully participate in mutual agreements. Create them anyway, knowing it won’t go perfectly but that you are laying the groundwork for future success.
“Siri: How Do I get My Kid off the Damn iPad?”
Research into the long-term effects of electronics on children is still in its infancy, but it doesn’t take a team of scientists to tell us that too much screen time can have negative repercussions on our little ones’ health and well-being—because we see it in their behavior.
The increased aggression, loss of patience, lack of social interaction, uptick in power struggles, tendency to slip over the allotted time limits, preoccupation with clicks and likes and followers, and almost addiction-like compulsion to log in and start scrolling.
It’s little wonder that, among our survey respondents, nearly half named screen time as their number-one challenge with their children.
The good news is that electronics-related challenges are addressed the same way one would address any other systems challenge: by way of mutual agreement. Specifically, we’ve found that creating written mutual agreements around electronics—negotiated and signed by each family member—is among the most direct routes to family peace and sanity in this high-tech age.
The less-good news is that, on the whole, electronics agreements require more reflection, more negotiation, more monitoring, and more reevaluation than non-tech agreements. In short, they require more work. It’s easy to see why.
“Screen time” is shorthand for any number of different types of uses—including, but not limited to, TV, movies, gaming, texting, surfing the web, picture-taking, music-making, video-editing, online research, and reading e-books, not to mention the great, wide, expanding world of social media.
Not all screen time is created equally. And not all screen-time challenges are, either.
As author and lecturer Alfie Kohn told us in an interview, “There is a difference between Minecraft and violent games, but there is also a difference between a kid who spends a little more time than we’re comfortable with, and a kid who can’t function and is showing signs of addiction.”
Indeed, when setting screen-time limits, families ought to take into account their unique concerns based on what they are observing in their homes.
Does the child become aggressive when the TV goes off? Is he having trouble sleeping? Is he hiding his tech use? Perhaps you’ve noticed a change in mood around social-media consumption or increasing isolation. Perhaps you’re concerned about what the screens are replacing: Real play. Real movement. Real reading. And a connection with real people.
There is no question that screen time is an area that must be limited and monitored. This counts as a health and safety issue. And the sooner you put limits in place, the better. Just be sure to focus on current challenges you are having rather than inventing reasons to worry. Technology is not the villain. Electronics are a part of our world and are guaranteed to be part of our children’s schooling and their careers. We must use common sense here. And we must keep our eye on the prize: maintaining a positive connection with our kids.
“What matters ultimately a lot more than how much time your kid spends updating her Facebook page,” Kohn said, “is what kind of relationship you have with your child, and what you model in terms of how you solve this problem.”
So, how do you solve this problem? Here’s our advice:
1.Sit down for a formal roundtable, as described earlier.
2.Write down the various ways each child use digital devices. Be as specific as possible. For example, you might write:
Six-year-old: Watches TV, watches home movies on the computer, uses Skype to chat with grandparents.
Ten-year-old: Watches TV, uses video-gaming system, makes and edits movies on an iPad; plays Minecraft online; watches YouTube videos for both educational reasons and entertainment value; reads e-books; plays educational math games.
Fifteen-year-old: Texts, calls, and uses FaceTime to stay in touch with friends; uses Snapchat and Instagram; uses phone to create art; plays games on an Xbox; has her own vlog; reads e-books; uses laptop for homework and school-related activities.
3.Identify which uses must be limited and by how much. Educational videos, phone-to-phone texting, movie-making, and art creation, for example, might require different limits than, say, gaming, watching TV, or using social media. E-reading or video-chatting with grandparents may require no limits at all.
4.Negotiate fair time limits for weekdays, weekends, and holidays. Be sure to get everyone’s input! For example:
Six-year-old: May watch thirty minutes of TV a day and play games for up to thirty minutes. (Plus a TV show or movie with family in the evening.)
Ten-year-old: May have up to an hour of screen time every weekday and an hour and a half every weekend. (Plus a TV show or movie with family in the evening.)
Fifteen-year-old: May have up to two hours of screen time every weekday and three hours every weekend. (Plus a TV show or movie with family in the evening.)
5.Decide how the child can keep track of the time limits to maximize the likelihood that the agreement will be followed. For example:
Six-year-old: Will shut off TV after the show is over, and set kitchen timer before she begins gaming.
Ten-year-old and fifteen-year-old: Will set timers on iPad for all limited screen time, and let parents know when they are using devices for other reasons (e.g., to make movies, art, etc.)
6.Clarify other limits. For example, a family might decide:
• No screen time within an hour of bedtime.
• No phones in the bedroom after bedtime.
• All phones (including those of the parents) are turned off and put in a basket at mealtimes.
• No downloading apps without permission of parents.
• No in-app purchases without permission of parents.
• No viewing, producing, or sharing any sexual content.
• No bullying or bad language online.
• Parents can check in on social media accounts at any time.
• No texting while driving. (This includes parents!)
• No texting or using social media during conversations with family members. (This, too, includes parents!)
• Children will tell parents when they have problems sticking to the plan.
7.Finalize the agreement. Review the terms, and get everyone’s verbal approval. Then, together as a family, write down the agreement in as much detail as possible, and hang up the agreement in a common area. Remind the child the terms can be renegotiated at any time (with a little advanced notice).
8.Revisit the issue—A LOT. This is a must. As we said earlier, screentime agreements need constant maintenance. Every week or so—at least at first—check in with your kid. Ask how it’s going, whether she’s still happy with the agreement, and whether she needs help with anything. Don’t nag or criticize. Just try to empower her to keep doing her best and to reach out if she has any problems.
Remember, screen time is not the enemy. If your teen seems to be well-adjusted, well-rounded, and emotionally stable, her use is obviously not something to be sweated. As Kohn said in our interview, “The more we focus on, ‘What’s the rule?’ and ‘How much screen time?’ it distracts us from asking, ‘What are the motives here? What are the issues? What are the problems?’”
That said, there may be real problems. And you, as the parent, must be willing to step in and pull back the reins if the situation merits.
If your three-year-old is more aggressive after watching TV, you may need to unplug the TV for a few months. If your family seems to be disconnected, and you believe tech may be to blame, maybe a screen-free week is in order. If you know your child is at an age and stage where she’s at risk of being bullied online or asked to post inappropriate pictures, have the talk. Keep communication open.
And, as in all things, try to be a good role model.
Truly, what matters most here is how we problem-solve and what our relationship looks like. With those two things in place, you’ll give your child license to reflect with you about her electronics use.
The two of you together can discuss how to differentiate between positive and negative media, how social networks can become a time suck, how the carefully cultivated pictures we see on Instagram are not depictions of “real life,” how hard it is to be “anonymous” online, what types of media are creative in nature and which are passive, the ways in which electronics take a toll on our bodies and minds, the importance of stepping away once in a while, and how difficult it is—for everyone—to resist the pull of those shiny devices.
Screen-time challenges don’t just go away. So be patient with your kids; they’ll mess up sometimes. They’ll go over the limit. They’ll struggle. But if you show patience and a willingness to support them, they’ll reach adulthood with a better handle on how important it is to monitor their own use—and have some good ideas of how to do it.
How Much Is Too Much?
The American Academy of Pediatrics issued its own set of screen-time guidelines in 2016. Broken down by age group, the recommendations include:
Birth to eighteen months: No screen time, except for video-chatting.
Eighteen months to two years: Infrequent high-quality programming only, and parents watch it, too, to help children understand what they’re seeing.
Two to five years: One hour per day of high-quality programming, and parents watch it, too, to help children apply what they’re seeing to the world around them.
Six years and older: Consistent limits on the time spent using media, and parents ensure that child gets adequate sleep, physical activity, etc.
ParentShift Assignment: Make an Electronics Agreement
If your child is old enough for screen time, and you haven’t made an electronics agreement, what are you waiting for? Get to it!
Must Everything Be a Negotiation?
At this point, you might be thinking, Wait, are you saying everything I want my child to do (or not do) has to become a negotiation now? That sounds exhausting!
First off, “easy” is not something associated with parenthood. We promised you tools; we didn’t promise you magic. But, more important, nothing is more exhausting in the long run than the increasingly complicated and concerning problems you will face if you do not back away from old-paradigm parenting.
We can assure you that the act of win-win problem-solving goes a long way toward reducing the problems in the first place. The more you do it, the more your family settles into a rhythm. What seems like “a lot of negotiations” at first becomes an easy shortcut to a peaceful family. “Probably the most significant outcome of families’ using the no-lose way, and one that I had not expected, is the greatest time-saver of all,” Gordon wrote. “After a period of time conflicts simply do not come up very often.” And isn’t that what we really want anyway?
What is one thing that effective companies do on a consistent basis? They hold effective meetings. High-functioning families are no different. Weekly family meetings are a great way to both head off power struggles and schedule time to discuss problems. It also has the added bonus of helping everyone stay connected. Here’s how you do it:
1. Get yourself a family whiteboard or chalkboard.
2. Write down your issues. When any family member believes there is an issue that needs special attention during the week, the person writes the issue (or draws a picture of it) on a whiteboard or piece of paper that is hung in plain view. For example:
•Brother hit sister.
•Mom late picking up kids from school.
•Sister eats cereal in gross way.
•Kids left trash in Dad’s car.
•Kids watching too much TV.
Often, just writing the thing down for a future talk dissipates the situation; the situation resolves itself by the time a family meeting rolls around.
3. Hold the meeting. This is a time for brainstorming, win-win negotiating, and cooperation. If you are using a Job Wheel, this is a good time to rotate the wheel. Just be sure to add some elements of fun to the meeting (no one likes a complaint fest!) and to honor your child’s attention span. (A rule of thumb is that a child’s attention span is equal to his age, with two minutes on either side. A five-year-old typically has an attention span of three to seven minutes.)
All decisions are made by consensus—not majority rules. Everyone has to agree, or start over and be more creative. Also, allow children to skip family meetings with the understanding that decisions will be made without their participation.
At family meetings, you also might:
•Rotate a new leader and secretary each week. The leader runs the meeting and calls on each family member to speak. The secretary takes notes on what was discussed and what decisions were made.
•Plan something fun to do for the upcoming week.
•Include humor, and make the meeting light and enjoyable.
•Start the meetings with an appreciation circle.
“Family meetings are essential if families are truly to function democratically.”
—DON DINKMEYER SR. & GARY MCKAY
True Story!
A mom was having a terrible time getting her five-year-old dressed every morning. It was a constant battle. He never wanted to get dressed. She always insisted he get dressed. After learning about child-owned challenges, limits, and boundaries from Parenting from the Heart classes, the mom went home and explained to her son that she was no longer willing to get him dressed in the morning (a boundary), but that she expected him to be dressed for school on time in the morning (a limit). Then she asked an empowering question: “What will you do to get to school on time in the morning?” The boy thought about it and made a decision as unique as it was ingenious: He would put on his school clothes at night and wear them to bed, so he wouldn’t have to get dressed in the morning. The mom laughed, but let him do it. Not only was the boy’s decision the ultimate win-win, but it was so successful that he kept it up every day for the next seven years.
ParentShift Assignment: Hold a Family Meeting
If you’ve never tried holding a family meeting, your assignment is to broach the subject. The next time you are together with your family, explain the concept and brainstorm some ideas about when and how a weekly meeting might work best for you. Then calendar it!
Use this toolkit when your child questions or violates a limit you have set or when your system around limits lacks a good structure. For example, your child refuses to abide by set limits, will not take no for an answer, wants something she can’t have, or violates a mutual agreement already in place. Remember, the limits toolkit is best used after relationship problems have been resolved.
•Give FEELINGS ACKNOWLEDGERS.
•Be sure the limit is REASONABLE.
•KINDLY STATE THE LIMIT.
•Ask EMPOWERING QUESTIONS.
•Negotiate a MUTUAL AGREEMENT around the limit.
•For simple challenges, create an INFORMAL WIN-WIN.
•For complicated/persistent challenges, schedule a FORMAL ROUNDTABLE.
•UPHOLD MUTUAL AGREEMENTS in three steps.
•Hold FAMILY MEETINGS.
Family Quarreling Is a Good Thing—Really
“Most parents hate to experience conflict, are deeply troubled when it occurs, and are quite confused about how to handle it constructively,” wrote Thomas Gordon in PET: Parent Effectiveness Training. “Actually, it would be a rare relationship if over a period of time one person’s needs did not conflict with the other’s. When any two people (or groups) coexist, conflict is bound to occur.”
Yes, quarreling can be deeply irritating, especially when you just want a little peace after a long day. And heavy discussions between parents is better kept out of earshot of children (lest they become stressed or worried). But if kids think it’s wrong to quarrel—if they get the idea that asserting themselves is inappropriate at times—they are more likely to become conflict-avoidant. They may even become fearful of disagreements because they assume the other person will be mad at them, or they may become conditioned to get angry at anyone who disagrees with them.
By showing children that conflict is normal and “talking back” has a positive side, you equip kids with the ability to think more critically, problem-solve, and—bonus!—stand up against peer pressure, manipulation, and abuse. As Alfie Kohn said in a recorded lecture, “You don’t say no to drugs. You say no to people selling drugs.”
From Rivalry to Revelry: A Guide to Sibling Conflict
Siblings fight for many reasons: to get attention, to feel powerful, to relieve tension or boredom, to stir up excitement, to provoke parents to choose one child over another, to exact revenge, or just because. Children fight. It’s what they do.
Whatever the reason and whatever the situation, child-to-child conflicts can be both infuriating and heartbreaking for parents to witness. Often parents end up feeling guilty or inadequate when they can’t seem to bring an end to fighting—especially when they’re uncertain whether they even ought to bring an end to it.
The truth is, sometimes sibling fights are best left up to the children to figure out on their own—it’s how they hone their people skills and learn to set boundaries with others—and other times they are not.
Before we get into specific instructions on how (and when) to intervene in sibling conflicts, know that there are several ways parents inadvertently contribute to sibling rivalries with their words and actions. By doing your best to follow these ten tips, you will help turn your children’s rivalry into revelry.
1. Meet each child’s emotional needs. Remember, when children’s needs are not being met and they do not feel they can trust you to tolerate their big feelings, they are likely to “change the target” of their rage—from parent to sibling. In these situations, it is not the fights you should focus on, but the child’s underlying needs. Give lots of GEMs, and schedule as many one-on-one dates as possible.
2. Treat children uniquely for who they are. Underneath even the most challenging behavior is a lovable, capable, caring, and competent person with his own temperament, developmental stage, and emotional needs. Celebrate that! How you perceive your children plays a large part in how they see themselves and how they respond to each other as siblings.
3. Avoid comparisons. Avoid comparing your children—not even in jest, not even when you think it won’t matter. Negative comparisons sound like this: “You could get a scholarship to college, too, if you studied harder and got better grades like your sister.” Positive comparisons sound like this: “Wow, you learned all your multiplication tables in second grade. Your brother didn’t learn his until fourth grade.” Both are damaging. As journalist and author Elizabeth Fishel is quoted as saying, “Comparison is a death knell to sibling harmony.”
4. Avoid taking sides. Refrain from rescuing one child from another during sibling challenges. This builds resentment and often is why sibling conflict continues. Instead, nurture the sibling relationship by being the neutral mediator.
5. Instead of competition, use teamwork. Competition sets up sibling rivalry. Instead, value the “Team Family” concept. For example, do the dishes together, or say, “I’m going to set my stopwatch, and let’s see how fast you can get your pajamas on as a team.”
6. Avoid labeling or locking your children into roles (e.g., the “athlete,” the “smart” one, the “artistic” one, the “good” girl, the “bad” boy). Be careful about labeling children based on their “order” in the family, too. Saying “You are a big brother now,” or “Please help your little sister” has a way of locking children into roles and can grate on kids. Just say, “You are a brother now” or “Please help your sister.” Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish wrote in Siblings Without Rivalry, “Allow each child the opportunity to experience some of the privileges and responsibilities of the other.”
7. Encourage everyone to participate, even if one of your children exhibits “talent” in a certain area. Again, whether a child is “good” at something isn’t nearly as important as whether she enjoys it. And if she doesn’t give it a shot, she won’t know whether she likes it. Remind your kids (and yourself!) that people learn at different rates and that even if one child is particularly skilled in something doesn’t mean that everyone else should avoid it. Whether it’s sports, the arts, or intellectual pursuits, a genuinely interested child will have something special to offer in that area—even if her talent does not expose itself right away and even if she doesn’t fit some traditional mold.
8. Allow your children to share their toys, possessions, and food only when they are ready. Kids have a right to possess their own things, and, developmentally, children authentically share around ages six or seven. Avoid forcing them to share with their siblings until they want to. Forced sharing often causes resentment and disconnection.
9. Teach children how to push their own “pause” buttons—and model it. Everyone gets overheated from time to time. Showing kids this is normal and giving them skills to help them calm their bodies is extraordinarily important. That’s what Chapter 4 was all about.
10. Be aware of electronics and screen time. Children frequently fight after spending too much time with electronics or watching too much TV. Kids are not meant to sit for long periods of time; their bodies need to be moving, playing, and interacting with people.
Parenting an Only Child? The Squabbling May Be with You
The parents of “only” children sometimes complain that their children can seem extra disrespectful at times. Onlies may talk back more to their parents and take out their frustrations on them. This is, you’ll be happy to know, not a sign that you are raising a “spoiled child.” It’s just that our children don’t have siblings to bear the brunt of their pent-up anger, and so parents get it instead.
How to Handle Child-to-Child Squabbles
Faber and Mazlish, famous for their bestselling, graphic-heavy book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, took on sibling conflict in another bestseller, Siblings Without Rivalry. In it, they identified four “rounds” of sibling fights and how to deal with them. For our purposes, we are simplifying things a little—focusing only on two rounds: the kind where intervention is needed, and the kind where it’s not. These techniques also are effective in dealing with squabbles between friends, cousins, or classmates.
Round I Fights: No intervention needed.
These types of fights are extremely common—inevitable even—and sound like typical bickering. The squabbles may annoy you (they often will!), but they require no mediation on your part. Let your children resolve these types of fights on their own. As Faber and Mazlish wrote, a Round I fight is easily solved. “Ignore it,” they wrote. “Think about your next vacation.”
“Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caring.”
—PAMELA DUGDALE
Round II Fights: Intervention is needed.
Round II fights occur when the situation “heats” up. Perhaps the argument involves name-calling or threats, or is part of a larger and troubling pattern of behavior. Or perhaps one child is clearly moving into the role of aggressor, and the other as victim, or both are aggressors and the situation is escalating toward physical violence—or already has. Most parents know instinctively when fights have moved from Round I to Round II, and they must intervene. Just not in the way you might think.
First of all, parents have a duty to protect their children from harm; that’s a no-brainer. They must prevent their children from severely, repeatedly, or deliberately hurting their siblings, or other children, either emotionally or physically. This is the definition of bullying, and a child who is bullying may need extra attention, as this often means that one or more of his emotional needs are not being met.
In any case, parents mustn’t ignore Round II fights. When they do, the perceived “aggressor” often learns:
• Violence and intimidation are ways to get what he wants.
• If he wants power, he must overpower someone else.
• When he feels hurt, he must hurt back.
• It’s okay to violate other people’s personal boundaries to get what he wants.
In turn, the perceived “victim” often learns:
• He has to either be rescued by his parents, or he will have to give in.
• He must settle for whatever he can get.
• He is small, weak, and incapable of handling his own challenges.
• He must allow other people to violate his personal boundaries because he doesn’t know what else to do.
This being said, when it comes to Round II fights, the most important and useful tip we can offer is to keep your opinion to yourself (even when you have a clear point of view on the matter!) and do not take sides (even when you really, really want to!). Your role is not to weigh in. Your role is not to stop the fight. Your role is to be the neutral mediator.
Many times when siblings argue, parents are quick to rush in—thinking that suggesting solutions will create harmony. However, when parents play the role of judge, it can lead one or both children to build up resentment against the parents—and each other. Sometimes the child who is deemed “at fault” acts unkindly toward the sibling when the parents aren’t around in a twisted effort to “even the playing field” or to punish the sibling for getting him in trouble.
Parents are wise to follow in the footsteps of professional mediators, who are trained to refrain from suggesting specific solutions to quarreling parties. This is because creative thinking spikes after tough feelings come out.
When you are the neutral mediator and teach healthy, win-win negotiation skills, your children become creative problem-solvers who can handle their own conflicts.
Protocol for Mediating Round II Fights
These are the specific steps to follow when intervening in a Round II fights:
1. Set your intention. Again, your role is not to stop the fight. It is to bring peaceful, patient mediation to the fight, and to be understanding to both sides—so that your children may stop the fight themselves.
2. Enter the situation calmly and lovingly. Go to the children and physically get on their level. Make friendly, loving eye contact with the kids, making sure that your tone is one of nonjudgment. You might even say, “I’m not here to take sides.”
3. Try to give each child a sensory experience. We talked about how the brain reacts under stress in Chapter 4 and how sensory experiences can help bring us back into the zone. Offering a sensory experience to your children when they’re fighting can be ever so effective in helping them to self-regulate. You might try rubbing the small of their backs or gently holding their hands.
4. Ask, “How do you feel?” Instead of asking “What happened?”—which children will naturally tell you on their own if they want to—ask a far more important question: “How do you feel?” Listen empathetically and affirm each child’s feelings. (See Chapter 5 for effective feeling acknowledgers, such as “You both look really angry with each other.”)
5. Ask, “What do you want?” After you’ve heard how they feel, ask each child what they want. Again affirm and acknowledge each of them, making sure no one is giving up their needs and desires just to get the process over with.
6. Ask, “How can you make this a ‘win’ for both of you?” Stay with your children while they win-win negotiate in the beginning. After they practice and understand how the process works, you can leave and allow them to work things out on their own. Voice your confidence in them by saying something like, “I know you guys can figure something out.”
7. Accept the solution—whatever it is. You may not agree with the solution; it may seem unfair to one party or the other. It may not even seem like a resolution at all! That’s okay. Support them anyway; they found a solution on their own that they believe is a win-win. Applaud it, and move on.
8. When necessary, suggest some self-calming time away from each other. When the kids have already become physical with each other or anger has turned to rage, some self-calming time is in order. Ask the children to separate from one another until they are ready to move on or work things out. (And click here for suggestions on creating a self-calming area for your kids.) Just be sure this doesn’t become a go-to strategy. If kids aren’t given plenty of opportunities to work through their problems maturely, they never will.
Being the neutral mediator can be challenging for parents, especially when you see one sibling hit another or when you hear one sibling call the other one a nasty name. While we have a duty to protect all of our children from harm and to teach our kids problem-solving techniques, we also need not worry that the hostility will continue forever. Do your best to follow these guidelines and meet each child’s SPECIAL needs, and your kids are likely to grow up to love, value, and depend on each other in so many wonderful ways.
Use this toolkit to turn sibling rivalry into revelry. For example, siblings are arguing, nagging each other, pointing out each other’s foibles, scolding or correcting each other; or when one sibling is overpowering another or acting aggressively or violently toward others.
•Ignore ROUND I FIGHTS.
•Follow the PROTOCOL FOR MEDIATING ROUND II FIGHTS.
•Follow the TEN TIPS FOR PREVENTING SIBLING CONFLICTS.
•Consider BIRTH ORDER when responding to behavior.