12. Universal Truth No. 10: All Children Move Through and Between Four Levels of Discouragement in Response to Unmet Needs
We began this book with the work of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, so it seems appropriate to end with them, too. After all, it was Adler and Dreikurs who first reported that a direct line could be drawn between unmet emotional needs in childhood and psychological problems in adulthood.
Indeed, the importance of meeting all seven of a child’s needs on a regular basis cannot be overstated. Unmet emotional needs create negative feelings that give life to any number of unhealthy behaviors and worrying predicaments—from anorexia to addiction, from teen pregnancy to crime. Ty was a police officer for more than forty years, and Linda has worked with children and families for more than thirty-five. Together, they have repeatedly and consistently seen the most common results of failing to meet a child’s seven SPECIAL needs. They call these results the DANGER Zone.
Yes, another acronym. You’re welcome.
D = Disorders: Emotional problems, anger-management issues, and eating disorders all fall into this category. People severely lacking in power may turn to bulimia or anorexia as a means of having control over something—even if that something is food.
A = Addictions: Using drugs and alcohol is a way people numb themselves against the hurt that accompanies any number of unmet needs.
N = Negative self-esteem and self-talk: Children who fail to get their needs met may perceive themselves as having less value or worth than other people. This can lead to negative self-esteem and self-talk.
G = Gangs and crime: Kids who join gangs are meeting their emotional needs but in dysfunctional new “families.” Their sense of power comes from harming others, and their need for connection is tattooed all over their bodies. Many kids, from all walks of life, commit crimes in an effort to fill emotional voids.
E = Early sex: Emotionally hungry teens are far more likely to participate in early sex with other teens—or with adults.
R = Relationship dysfunction: It makes sense that emotionally needy individuals are attracted to those who are failing to get their needs met, too. Unhealthy coping mechanisms, whether it’s going on vandalism sprees or raiding the parents’ medicine cabinets, may get passed from one friend to the next. The results are often dysfunctional relationships.
As Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté wrote in Hold On to Your Kids, “If we can’t connect with each other, we will connect with anything we can find—the whirr of a roulette wheel or the prick of a syringe.”
That’s the bad news.
Fortunately, long before our kids get caught up in roulette wheels and syringes, they put out plenty of warning signals that they are veering off course. They show us—in both their feelings and their actions—that they are lacking something important. It may be connection. It may be attention. It may be power. It may be unconditional love.
Relationship problems, which we discussed earlier, are the result of these “warning signals.” Relationship problems indicate that you are failing to meet your child’s emotional needs.
The hard part is that we already are doing so much for our kids. Whether we lean controlling or permissive, most of us live for our kids and tend to believe we already are meeting their needs in a thousand different ways. (“I do love my child unconditionally,” a parent might say. “I give her plenty of attention and power. In fact, she’s got me running in circles!”) We also believe, because lots of people tell us, that some old-paradigm parenting tools are necessary, especially for “strong-willed” children. (“I don’t have a choice—he needs consequences. If I don’t ground him, he’ll never learn.”)
Because of these beliefs, we often put ourselves in a headspace where we’re trying to weed out misbehavior and tear it out by the roots, rather than scoping out unmet needs and meeting them all we can. In fact, though, one could argue that the word misbehavior is what needs to be torn out by the roots and destroyed forever. Children don’t mis-behave. They behave. And all behavior is communication.
Yes, it may seem to us that our kids have plenty of attention and power and love. It may seem to us that what the child really needs are consequences. But our perceptions are irrelevant. If, in our children’s eyes, they do not feel they are getting enough attention or power or love, they will let us know—and not in some slap-dash, disorganized way, but in a logical pattern. The only consequence they need is a heart-centered response.
When Your Child’s Behavior Is a Mystery, Be Their Nancy Drew
It was Dreikurs who first presented the concept of discouraged behavior in Children: The Challenge. He identified four levels of discouragement—calling them “mistaken goals”—that children moved through and between when their needs were not being met. He theorized that if parents knew the signs, they could easily detect the underlying problem and set about solving it. What’s more, he believed that parents could look to their own reactions to the behavior to find out more precisely what the children needed.
All these years later, his theory plays out like clockwork. Although we present Dreikurs’s research a little differently than he did in his time, the information in this chapter is both inspired by and based on his remarkable work.
“All ‘misbehavior’ is an SOS from your child, alerting you to unmet needs or tangled feelings.”
—LAURA MARKHAM
LEVEL ONE: DEMANDING ATTENTION
Unable to get her emotional needs met through positive and healthy interactions with you, the child uses any means necessary to demand your attention.
In Level One, your child may whine, beg, and engage in minor irritating behavior to gain your attention. She may also go out of her way to please you. Anything, really, that pulls your attention away from what you’re doing and places it squarely on her.
What demands for attention sound like:
“Look at this! Look at me! Watch! Look! Look! LOOK!”
To be sure, a child who is demanding your attention is not looking to cooperate, to think about what’s “appropriate,” or to notice that other things may be justifiably pulling your attention away; she is merely experiencing a disturbance in her body and believes your attention will help her regain stability.
Now, as we’ve discussed already, attention is one of the emotional needs. Children need our attention daily, and needing attention is not a problem. Demanding attention is different; when your child demands your attention, she is letting you know something is amiss under the surface.
So how do you tell the difference?
You look to your own feelings to tell you.
How demands for attention make parents feel:
Irritated • Annoyed • Bothered • Tired • Frustrated • Interrupted • Nagged
Of course, there are times when you feel tired or frustrated in general—maybe you have had a particularly hard day and are running out of patience for other people. We trust, though, that you know the difference between irritation brought on by other things in your life and irritation brought on by your child’s negative behavior. Here we are referring only to the latter.
Controlling and Permissive Approaches to Demanding Attention
Demanding attention is not pleasant, but it is easily solved. Unfortunately, the usual bags of tricks used by controlling and permissive parents fail to solve it. In fact, they very often make matters worse. Common responses include:
• Ignoring the child. (Permissive)
• Showing their annoyance, either verbally or nonverbally. (Controlling)
• Issuing lots of reminders. (Permissive)
• Trying to persuade or manipulate the child out of the behavior. (Controlling and Permissive)
• Issuing threats. (Controlling)
• Using punishments. (Controlling)
• Using bribery and rewards. (Controlling and Permissive)
• Letting the child violate the parent’s limits and boundaries. (Permissive)
While parents are understandably concerned about reinforcing negative behavior, all of these responses are ineffective because they 1) ignore the underlying reasons for the behavior, and 2) lead children to believe they are not capable of getting their needs met in that moment—invariably causing more challenging behavior either immediately or down the line.
Generally, when a child fails to get her needs met by demanding attention, she will double down on her attention-seeking tactics and/or move directly into power struggles.
The Heart-Centered Approach to Demanding Attention
The most effective way to prevent and deal with demands for attention is to give more authentic attention to your child, either in the moment or as soon as possible. Our advice: Be present and available. Look for opportunities to offer GEMs. And, whenever necessary, use the three steps of silent attention, which we introduced earlier:
1. Avoid eye contact.
2. Do not speak.
3. Gently and calmly move toward your child, and rub the chid’s lower back as you continue to focus on what you were doing before.
ParentShift Assignment: “Look Mom, No Hands!”
Think back over the last twenty-four hours. List the times when your child was—or may have been—demanding your attention. Did you manage to meet the need in that moment? If so, how? If not, what will you do next time?
CHEAT SHEET TO LEVEL-ONE CHALLENGES: DEMANDING ATTENTION
Child believes:
• “I belong when you focus on me.”
• “I feel loved when you give me a lot of attention.”
Child says:
• “Look at this!”
• “Watch me!”
• “See!”
Child may:
• Whine
• Go out of her way to please you
• Show off
• Overreact
• Seem lazy
• Seem hyperactive
• Act like a nuisance
• Engage in irritating or annoying behavior
Child wants:
To feel noticed, involved, and connected
Parent feels:
• Irritated
• Annoyed
• Bothered
• Tired
• Frustrated
• Interrupted
• Nagged
You’re on the right track when your child . . .
• Volunteers
• Contributes
• Gets involved
• Cooperates
• Uses talents for others’ good and pleasure
• Neither avoids nor seeks the limelight
• Perceives being noticed as a side effect, not a primary purpose
Use this toolkit when your child is demanding your attention as a result of an unmet need. For example, your child interrupts, begs, pleads, whines, pulls on your clothes, climbs all over you, shows off, wants to be the center of attention, becomes hyperactive, constantly questions you, displays annoying or irritating habits, or seems overly interested in what adults want.
•Use SILENT ATTENTION when necessary.
•Borrow liberally from the EMPATHY TOOLKIT (specifically, GET ON THE CHILD’S LEVEL, BECOME THE CONTAINER, use FEELING ACKNOWLEDGERS, and ask EMPOWERING QUESTIONS).
•Borrow liberally from NEEDS TOOLKIT (specifically, use GEMS, schedule ONE-ON-ONE DATES, say “FOR A MINUTE” (instead of “In a minute”), ask for CHILD’S ASSISTANCE, and make HIGH-LEVEL CONNECTIONS.
LEVEL TWO: POWER STRUGGLES
Unable to get his needs met and discouraged by the lack of authentic, age-appropriate power, the child struggles to get his way.
During power struggles—which can crop up at any time over any little thing—your child’s behavior may come across as difficult, bossy, stubborn, or defiant. He may challenge your plan or refuse to cooperate with you. He may talk back or yell. And he may try to “win” at all costs. In general, the more you insist on getting your way, the more your child will struggle against you. (If your child is over the age of two, we trust you know what that looks like.)
What power struggles sound like:
“No! I don’t want to! I will NOT do it! You can’t make me!”
To be sure, you may think your child has plenty of power; you may even think the problem is that your child has been allotted too much power! This is a popular misconception. But children who constantly engage in power struggles are not drunk on power and do not need to be “put in their place.” The opposite is true: Children who engage in power struggles feel powerless already. As Dreikurs explained, power struggles never end in cooperation because they are about forcing someone to do something they don’t want to do. You can win control in a power struggle, but you cannot win cooperation. Cooperation is a positive action; it requires a child’s buy-in.
Another misconception is that power struggles are really about the thing the child is struggling over. But the issue is never the issue when it comes to a power struggle. When your child continually refuses to get in the bath, put on his shoes, or pick up his toys, these struggles are rarely about the bath or the shoes or the toys; they are about the child’s overall need for power.
Again, your own feelings will indicate to you whether or not your child is engaged in a power struggle with you. (Although, let’s face it, power struggles are hard to miss!)
How power struggles make parents feel:
Angry • Challenged • Threatened • Provoked • Defeated • Like punishing the child
Controlling and Permissive Approaches to Power Struggles
Controlling or permissive parents generally do not do well when it comes to power struggles. They either fight back (trying to “win” the power struggle) or give in (allowing the child to “win”). Neither leads to positive results. Specific responses include:
• Punishing or threatening the child. (Controlling)
• Intimidating the child or creating fear. (Controlling)
• Forcing the child to obey. (Controlling)
• Using guilt or shame. (Controlling and Permissive)
• Giving in to the child. (Permissive)
• Using bribery or rewards. (Controlling and Permissive)
These all are ineffective responses because they ignore the underlying reasons for the behavior and, in most cases, make children feel even more powerless than they did before. Nothing good can come of that.
Generally, if a child fails to get his need for power met through power struggles, he will double down on his efforts and/or move into Revenge.
The Heart-Centered Approach to Power Struggles
Power is a need, and the best way to prevent power struggles is to meet the child’s need to feel powerful in his everyday life. You’ve already learned about offering choices; giving information, rather than commands; and involving the child in household decisions. These are all hugely important for kids of all ages and can help prevent power struggles.
But sometimes power struggles are age-appropriate—and sometimes they take us completely by surprise. So what do you do when it’s too late and you’ve already locked horns with your child over a limit, boundary, or request?
The only surefire way to end a power struggle is to refuse to engage in the power struggle. Period.
Power struggles require at least two people. When one withdraws from the battle, the struggle ends. So abandon the struggle. That’s step one. Then, making sure you are in the zone (because how many of us are not triggered by power struggles?), ask yourself two questions:
• “How can I give my child more authentic power in this moment?”
• “What am I willing to give up in order to stop the struggle?”
EIGHT TIPS FOR SIDESTEPPING POWER STRUGGLES
Power struggles are one area where most parents feel the most pressure to threaten negative consequences. Resist and pause! Remember, power struggles are a warning sign that the child needs more power in that moment; by punishing, you take away power, which sets you up for more power struggles down the road. Plus, for children ages two to six, power struggles are “running the show,” developmentally speaking. When you smell a power struggle coming on, here are some phenomenally effective ways to sidestep them—or, at least, help contain them:
1. Avoid the object of the struggle. If you know TV time too close to bedtime is going to end in a power struggle, turn off the TV well before bedtime—or don’t turn it on at all. If you know your child is going to ask for extra dessert and it will end in a power struggle, limit the amount of dessert you bring into the house. If you know that waiting until evening to leave a social gathering is going to end in a power struggle, leave the gathering earlier—before your child gets tired and fussy. Rest assured, power struggles won’t last forever! You won’t always have to turn off the TV or limit the Oreos or bow out early from parties, but do be willing to restrain yourself temporarily if necessary—in the name of your own sanity.
2. Connect with your child before stating the limit. If you sense a power struggle might be brewing—the bath has been run and your child won’t stop playing with his toys, it’s time for the teen to wash the family car, it’s time to leave the party—one way to guard against a power struggle is by quickly and authentically connecting with your child just before you remind him of the limit or agreement. Get on your child’s level. Make eye contact. Be friendly. Take loving action. (Touch the small of his back, for instance.) Then use “It’s” or “Let’s” to announce what needs to happen next.
• “It’s bath time!”
• “It’s bedtime!”
• “It’s dinnertime!”
• “It’s time to go!”
• “It’s time to leave for school!”
• “Let’s pick up our toys!”
• “Let’s get our pajamas on!”
• “Let’s get into our car seat!”
• “Let’s wash the car!”
3. Tell your child what to do, not what to don’t. “Jump off the couch” is far more effective than “Don’t jump on the couch!” “Dirty shoes needs to stay outside” is more effective than “Don’t bring dirty shoes inside.” This is because negative words take longer to process in our brains and sometimes get lost in the child’s ear—turning “Don’t jump on the couch!” to “Jump on the couch!” Instead of “Don’t run,” say “Please walk.” Instead of “Don’t stay out too late,” say “Be home by 11 p.m.”
4. Look for a win-win—or offer a choice. As you learned earlier, informal win-wins are all about putting you and your child on a level playing field. Neither person “loses,” and both of you “win.” This is an ideal arrangement for power struggles because you are refusing to overpower the child and instead seeking a solution that works for both you and the child—even if the “solution” is to back off and let everyone cool down for a while before trying to have a rational discussion. If a win-win isn’t in the cards, then you may need to offer a concrete, win-win, or playful choice (click here to refresh your memory). Say your child refuses to leave a play group. You might say, “It’s time to go. Would you like to say goodbye to anyone before you go, or head straight to the car?”
5. Put the child in charge. Putting a child in charge of something often dissipates a power struggle. Look for patterns of challenging behavior and ask yourself, “How can I give my child more power in this situation?”
• For the child who won’t get into his car seat and put his seat belt on: Say, “I would like some help. I notice that when we get in the car, not everyone is putting on their seat belts. Would you be willing to be the Seat Belt Boss and make sure everyone buckles up? Then you can give me a thumbs up when everyone is ready to go.”
• For the child who keeps leaving his shoes in the middle of the room: Say, “I could use some help. I notice when we get home, shoes are always being left around, and they are in the way. Would you be willing to be Shoe Commander? You would make sure everyone puts their shoes in the basket under the stairs.”
6. Do the unexpected. If caught in a power struggle, ask yourself, “What is the most unexpected thing I could do right now?” For example:
• Instead of words, use silence.
• Instead of putdowns, use loving humor.
• Instead of shocked, be calm.
• Instead of giving advice and lecturing, listen.
• Instead of acting hostile, be friendly.
• Instead of yelling and spanking, give a smile and a hug.
• Instead of criticism, offer an ice cream.
• Instead of told you so, show empathy.
• Instead of judgment, use acceptance.
• Instead of punishment, be understanding.
• Instead of work, play.
• Instead of ignoring, give your time and attention.
• Instead of discouragement, use encouragement.
• Instead of control, offer a cold drink.
• Instead of feeling blockers, use feeling acknowledgers.
7. Issue reminders using one word. Remember how Charles Schultz depicted the parents in his Peanuts cartoons? They never actually said anything intelligible. All we heard was: “Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah.” Parent-deafness continues to this day; the more we talk, the more kids zone us out. “How many times do I have to tell you . . . ?” we say, and then we keep saying it—as though we have no choice. We do.
As psychologist Haim Ginott said in Between Parent & Child, using only one word can minimize our effort and our child’s irritation, thus preventing a good number of power struggles. Instead of using many words to tell your child he left his backpack on the couch or his shoes on the stairs or his wet towel on the floor, simply say “Backpack” or “Shoes” or “Towel.”
To their youngest daughter, Ty and Linda used to say, “Kelly, bowl” whenever she’d forget to put her cereal bowl in the sink. After a few weeks, Kelly remembered her bowl without asking—and she’d earned the nickname “Kelly-Bowl.”
8. Let your child have the last word—and the last attitude. It’s unrealistic to expect children to “take the high road” during arguments. They will not be the ones to apologize or to walk away until they cool off or give us the last word. We must be the high-roaders. In the interest of giving your child a boost of power, consider giving him the last word—and the “last attitude”—regardless of what that sounds or looks like. (Spoiler: It often looks like eye-rolling and sounds like a slammed door.)
“When Rudolf Dreikurs explained the four mistaken goals, people often asked him, ‘How can you keep putting children in these boxes?’ He would reply, ‘I don’t keep putting them there. I keep finding them there.’”
—JANE NELSEN
Children have a hard time with the word “no.” Hey, who doesn’t? Seriously, close your eyes and ask a friend or partner to stand in front of you and say, in a slow and deliberate voice, “No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.” Then have the person say, “Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.” See how the words land on you? It’s palpable. The “no” is harsh and unpleasant; it makes us feel constricted, shut down, and discouraged. The “yes” is warm and healing. It makes us feel open, empowered, and encouraged.
When you seem to be having a lot of power struggles—particularly age-appropriate power struggles—consider finding creative ways to say no when possible.
•“Tell me more. Give me all the information.”
•“I’m unwilling to __________, and I’m willing to __________.”
•“I’m not ready for you to do that yet.”
•“That scares me; let’s find a safe way to do that.”
•“Let me watch you do that first.”
•“What do you think? Is this a good choice for you?” (If you choose this, be ready to abide by the answer.)
•“What are your other options?” (“That’s one idea; what are your other options?” or “That’s not an option right now, what else can you do?”)
•Say yes for the future. (Your child says, “Can I have a cookie?” You say, “Yes! You can have a cookie after dinner.”)
ParentShift Assignment: Step Away from the Struggle
Think about your schedule for the next twenty-four hours and identify a potential power struggle you might have. List two ways you might prevent the power struggle and two ways you might get out of it.
CHEAT SHEET TO LEVEL-TWO CHALLENGES: POWER STRUGGLES
Child believes:
• “I belong when I’m in control.”
• “I matter when I’m the boss and when I win.”
Child says:
• “No!”
• “You’re not the boss of me!”
• “You can’t make me!”
• “I don’t want to!”
• “I won’t do it!”
Child wants:
To feel powerful and capable of making decisions
Parent feels:
• Angry/mad
• Challenged
• Threatened
• Provoked
• Defeated
• As though they must punish the child
Child may:
• Want to be the boss
• Argue
• Want to win
• Seem disobedient
• Seem stubborn
• Do the opposite of what is asked
• Refuse to do what is asked
• Be aggressive or passive
• Become angry
• Yell or hit
• Talk back
You’re on the right track when your child . . .
• Accepts responsibility for own actions
• Feels empowered, grounded, centered
• Can be a leader, but doesn’t demand to be (nonaggressively assertive)
• Thinks, I’d rather be kind than right.
• Creates healthy boundaries for himself
• Interested in win-win negotiation
• Withdraws from others behavioral challenges
• Creates connected relationships with others
• Will discontinue relationships with others who intrude on his boundaries
Use this toolkit when your child is engaging in a power struggle (i.e., when you are feeling angry, challenged, or backed into a corner, as though you have no choice but to punish or force your child to obey). For example, your child refuses to cooperate (No! I don’t want to! You can’t make me! You are not the boss of me!) or insists on getting his way (Yes! I will too do it! Just watch me!).
•WITHDRAW from the power struggle).
•Ask, “How can I give my child MORE AUTHENTIC POWER in this moment, and what am I WILLING TO GIVE UP in order to stop the struggle?”
•Follow EIGHT TIPS FOR SIDESTEPPING POWER STRUGGLES.
•Find a CREATIVE WAY TO SAY NO.
•Borrow liberally from the EMPATHY TOOLKIT (specifically, GET ON THE CHILD’S LEVEL, BECOME THE CONTAINER, use FEELING ACKNOWLEDGERS, and ask EMPOWERING QUESTIONS).
•Borrow liberally from the NEEDS TOOLKIT (specifically, use GEMs, schedule ONE-ON-ONE DATES, offer CONCRETE, WIN-WIN, AND PLAYFUL CHOICES, give INFORMATION INSTEAD OF COMMANDS, and hand over more AGE-APPROPRIATE RESPONSIBILITIES).
LEVEL THREE: DISPLAYS OF REVENGE
Feeling powerless and hurt, the child now seeks to inflict on her parents the same level of pain that she is feeling.
Okay, let’s say you tend to shut down power struggles with harsh words or timeouts, or perhaps you bribe your way out of conflicts or simply walk away. Whatever the case, if your child repeatedly fails in her attempts to feel powerful and capable, she is likely, either immediately or over a period of time, to determine that she has no power in her life and that her only value is in hurting others in the way that she feels hurt.
Here, in this emotional state, your child seeks revenge for the emotional pain she believes you have inflicted on her.
What displays of revenge sound like:
“You’re mean! You’re a bad mommy! I hate you!”
Both controlling and permissive parents can create or contribute to revenge cycles. Controlling parents incite revenge by using punishments or physical force, ignoring children, withdrawing love, or failing to honor children’s emotional needs. Permissive parents incite revenge because, by giving in and being poor boundary-setters, children feel that their parents don’t care about them. The children lose self-respect because they know they are taking advantage of others, and they lose respect for their parents who fail to set needed boundaries and limits. Children of permissive parents may wind up feeling that the world owes them something—and, when the world doesn’t comply, they wind up feeling unloved.
Children most at risk of entering revenge cycles are those who feel overpowered by or disconnected from their parents, those experiencing chronic illness or learning challenges, those who have been abandoned or ignored by their parents, those who have been overly pampered, and those who have been picked on or bullied.
The vengeful child may seem vicious, scornful, rude, or hostile. She may hurt your feelings, embarrass you, or attack you where it hurts—knowing, as all kids seem to know, your weak and vulnerable spots.
During revenge cycles, kids may cheat or steal. They may make themselves disliked by others or pretend they have no feelings. They often say things like “I don’t care,” even when punished. They may damage property. They may bully their peers or hurt themselves. They may take their revenge out on their siblings or pets. If they are teenagers, they may begin to ignore your limits, rebel against your values, or display shocking behavior.
Kids in this state feel misunderstood, and blame others for the unfairness and wrongdoing in their lives.
How displays of revenge make parents feel:
Hurt • Shocked • Rejected • Unloved • Unappreciated • Enraged
Controlling and Permissive Approaches to Displays of Revenge
The child who takes revenge desperately needs encouragement, and yet—ironically—she is the least likely to get it. Instead, permissive and controlling parents often react by:
• Punishing (Controlling)
• Using guilt (Controlling and Permissive)
• Threatening the child (Controlling)
• Looking to get even (Controlling)
• Labeling (Controlling)
• Allow boundaries to be violated (Permissive)
• Playing the martyr/pitying themselves (Controlling and Permissive)
Though understandable, these approaches are, unsurprisingly, ineffective. What the child really needs is for her feelings to be acknowledged and her emotional needs to be met, and the parent is doing the opposite.
Generally, if the child fails to get his needs met through Level Three: Displays of Revenge, she will double down on her efforts and/or move into Level Four: Displays of Inadequacy.
The Heart-Centered Approach to Displays of Revenge
First, know that the child is not consciously hurting you; she is only, as Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté wrote in Hold On to Your Kids, “following his[/her] skewed instincts.” Keeping ourselves in the game, they say, as opposed to becoming alienated from our kids, is the most important thing to do in these situations.
Don C. Dinkmeyer Sr., an educator and counselor who coauthored dozens of books in the 1970s and ’80s, encouraged parents to try to be unyieldingly fair, saying “thank you” when the child helps, and noticing and appreciating when he contributes. “The opposite of revenge,” he wrote in his key work, Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP), “is fairness.” Under no circumstances, he warned, should parents give in to the temptation to hurt the child back.
If you are in this situation with your child, pause and own your part in the challenge. Though you may not fully comprehend how you have co-created the problem here. Fall on your sword. Commit to stopping hurtful behavior, such as shaming, punishing, ignoring, or blocking the child’s feelings. Be aware of your projections. Deal squarely with hurt feelings: “I see you are hurting. Can we talk about it?” or “What did I do to hurt you?” And—one of the most important pieces of advice we can offer on this front—reestablish the relationship using one-on-one dates.
“When children cease to cooperate, it is because they have cooperated for far too long, or because their integrity has been harmed. It is never because they are uncooperative.”
—JESPER JUUL
ParentShift Assignment: Meet Revenge with Kindness
If your child has displayed revenge, list ways you have co-created the challenge. What will you do to stop your part in the revenge cycle? What will you do to repair the relationship?
CHEAT SHEET TO LEVEL-THREE CHALLENGES: DISPLAYS OF REVENGE
Child believes:
• “I belong when I can hurt you as you have hurt me.”
• “Nobody likes or accepts me so why be helpful or loving?”
Child says:
• “I hate you!”
• “I don’t like you anymore!”
• “You’re the worst mom in the world!”
• “I wish you weren’t my dad!”
Child wants:
To feel loved, respected, and important
Parent feels:
• Hurt
• Shocked
• Rejected
• Unloved
• Unappreciated
• Enraged
You’re on the right track when your child . . .
• Responds instead of reacts
• Doesn’t take things personally
• Is interested in win-win negotiation
• Is nonaggressively assertive
• Feels self-protected, and therefore has no reason to hurt back
• Returns kindness for hurt
• Ignores belittling comments
• Respects self and others
• Shows maturity and creativity
• Withdraws from others’ challenges
• Creates connected relationships with others
• Discontinues relationships with those who intrude on her boundaries
Use this toolkit when your child is taking revenge on you for some perceived wrong (i.e., when you are feeling hurt, shocked, unappreciated, or rejected). For instance, your child gets bad grades just to hurt you, breaks limits at home and at school on purpose, intentionally damages property, makes herself disliked by others, or attacks your weak and vulnerable spots. The Revenge Toolkit consists entirely of tools taken from other toolkits.
•FORGIVE your child and yourself.
•Borrow liberally from the EMPATHY TOOLKIT (specifically, GET ON THE CHILD’S LEVEL, BECOME THE CONTAINER, use FEELING ACKNOWLEDGERS, and ask EMPOWERING QUESTIONS).
•Borrow liberally from the NEEDS TOOLKIT (specifically, use GEMs, schedule ONE-ON-ONE DATES, make time for SELF CARE, and be mindful of the TWO LEGS OF SELF-ESTEEM).
LEVEL FOUR: DISPLAYS OF INADEQUACY
Discouraged to the point of helplessness and still unable to get his needs met, the child puts his feelings of inadequacy on full display, insisting he is not equipped to handle himself or his circumstances.
Here, in this emotional state, your child feels helpless, or, worse, becomes helpless, and then uses his helplessness—exaggerating his own weaknesses, for instance—to avoid tasks at which he might fail.
What displays of inadequacy Sound like:
“I can’t do it. It’s too hard. I don’t want to try.”
All children (and adults!) drop into this level from time to time throughout their lives, but we clearly don’t want our kids to spend too much time here. It’s one reason overdoing for kids (doing for your child what he could do for himself) can be detrimental; when things are always being done for children, they begin to think they are incapable of doing it for themselves.
Children who feel inadequate see themselves as incompetent by comparison to others. They may give up easily, shy away from expectations you place on them, or refuse to try new things because of fear of not doing it “right.”
How displays of inadequacy make parents feel:
Pity • Helplessness • Sympathy • Lack of faith in child • Like giving up
Controlling and Permissive Approaches to Displays of Inadequacy
When facing displays of inadequacy, controlling and permissive parents often unconsciously reinforce the child’s underlying feeling that he is more incapable or less worthy than others. Although it’s hard, parents must resist the urge to react by:
• Talking in a pampering way (Permissive)
• Coaxing (Controlling/Permissive)
• Pleasing (Permissive)
• Rescuing (Controlling/Permissive)
• Issuing lots of reminders (Controlling/Permissive)
• Doing (or asking siblings to do) for the child what he is capable of doing for himself (Controlling/Permissive)
• Physically forcing the child to take action (Controlling)
• Giving up (Permissive)
The Heart-Centered Approach to Displays of Inadequacy
Displays of inadequacy are signs that your child needs a self-esteem boost. So remember to focus on the two legs of self-esteem. What can you do to make your child feel your unconditional love while also showing him that he is capable of handling his circumstances on his own?
In addition to meeting his seven SPECIAL needs daily, here are five ways to counteract displays of inadequacy.
1. Instead of pitying or coaxing the child, offer feeling acknowledgers.
Pitying: “Oh, honey. You’ve been working on your science project for two weeks and you’re still having trouble. You poor thing.”
Coaxing: “Come on. You can do it. Please? Just try.”
Feeling acknowledgers: “It looks like you are feeling annoyed with all the steps that are involved. That seems overwhelming. It makes so much sense that you are frustrated!” (Click here for more examples.)
1. Suggest small steps. For example, you might say, “I wonder what part you can do?” or “What else can you do?” Then allow plenty of time to complete the task.
2. Instead of rescuing the child, show confidence.
Rescuing: “Here, let me finish your science project for you.”
Showing confidence: “I believe in you. I know you’ll complete the science project on time.”
1.Stay close and allow natural consequences to play out. Whether you are in the same room, or simply nearby, staying close will show your child that he is still being emotionally supported. Again, resist the urge to step in—even if it means he walks out the door empty handed, without his science project on Friday morning.
2.Be a role model. By modeling positive self-talk and a can-do attitude, you show your child how confidence and competence look from the outside.
ParentShift Assignment: Shift Your Perception
Identify something you believe your child is not capable of doing, and then flip that belief on its head.
1. I believe my child is incapable of ______________________________.
Now shift to:
I believe my child is capable of ______________________________.
2. I believe my child is incapable of ______________________________.
Now shift to:
I believe my child is capable of ______________________________.
3. I believe my child is incapable of ______________________________.
Now shift to:
I believe my child is capable of ______________________________.
CHEAT SHEET TO LEVEL-FOUR CHALLENGES: DISPLAYS OF INADEQUACY
Child believes:
• “I belong only when others serve me!”
• “I’m helpless.”
Child says:
• “I can’t.”
• “I don’t want to try.”
• “I give up.”
• “Leave me alone”
• “It’s too hard.”
Child wants:
To feel capable and for his parents to have faith in him
Parent feels:
• Pity
• Helplessness
• Sympathy (“My poor baby!”)
• Pampering
• Lack of faith in child
• Like giving up
You’re on the right track when your child . . .
• Uses self-calming techniques
• Uses positive self-talk
• Finds peace within
• Self-evaluates
• Is a creative problem-solver
• Does not give up
• Feels adequate and capable
• Has faith in self
• Owns a “can-do” attitude
• Feels courageous and strong
Use this toolkit when your child is displaying inadequacy (i.e., when you are feeling pity, helplessness, sympathy, lack of faith, or like giving up). For example, your child flops on the floor and tells you he can’t possibly put his clothes away, refuses to try out new things for fear of failure, gives up easily when performing tasks, talks negatively about himself, or doesn’t believe he is capable.
•Suggest SMALL STEPS and ALLOW PLENTY OF TIME to complete tasks.
•STAY CLOSE and allow NATURAL CONSEQUENCES to play out.
•Use ENCOURAGING PHRASES.
•ACCEPT AND SHARE YOUR OWN MISTAKES.
•Borrow liberally from the EMPATHY TOOLKIT (specifically, GET ON THE CHILD’S LEVEL, BECOME THE CONTAINER, use FEELING ACKNOWLEDGERS, and ask EMPOWERING QUESTIONS).
•Role-model a “CAN-DO” ATTITUDE and POSITIVE SELF-TALK.
•Borrow liberally from the NEEDS TOOLKIT (specifically, give GEMs, schedule ONE-ON-ONE DATES, hand over more AGE-APPROPRIATE RESPONSIBILITY, and replace praise with ENCOURAGEMENT).
Again, all behavior—even the worst, most infuriating behavior—is just a child’s attempt to communicate unmet needs in the best way he knows how.
So when you find yourself thinking that your kids are “being bad” or “making poor choices” or “testing your limits” or “seeing what they can get away with,” look deeper. Look to your reaction—and, specifically, your feelings—to see if you can’t, inside of a minute, identify the level of discouragement your child is experiencing.
It’s good practice. And it may just change your life.