In the introduction, you read about the five love languages, created by Dr. Gary Chapman in the early 1990s. He theorizes that each of us has a preferred way of receiving affection that, when communicated to our loved ones, can create or sustain the love we seek. According to Dr. Chapman, our five love languages are:
This life-changing concept helps many of us recognize that we each have separate, often distinct preferences. Some of us have even used these categories to directly communicate our emotional preferences within our relationships and transform our interpersonal experiences. Recognizing the uniqueness in our experiences, preferences, and perspectives opens us up to infinite possibilities in self-expression and emotional connection. But there’s a big difference between communicating our emotional preferences to others and expecting them to meet our needs in a specific way.
When we ask our loved ones to change their natural way of expressing themelves, we can close ourselves off to other kinds of emotional expression and opportunities for connection. When we overlook what comes naturally to those we love, we inadvertently limit the space we provide others to be themselves.
Complicating things, the ways we’ve all learned to feel valued or loved by others are based on our past conditioning and experiences. When we limit ourselves to these familiar displays of affection, we’re often simply asking our loved ones to re-create our earliest relationships, or what love feels like to us. Expecting others to treat us in these familiar ways, we risk re-creating our childhood dysfunctional dynamics.
For years, I believed that I was loved only if my romantic partner performed acts of service for me, like washing the dishes, doing the laundry, or cleaning the house. When they didn’t show up for me in this specific way, my abandonment-based ego narratives colored my experiences, leaving me feeling unconsidered, uncared for, and ultimately unloved. Those feelings were based not in my current relational reality but in my childhood wounding. When I was growing up, the primary way my mom showed me affection was by cooking, serving my favorite meals, doing my laundry, and cleaning up after me. Otherwise, unless I was outwardly succeeding in school or sports, she was often distracted by the pain and overwhelming emotions that were accumulating in her body or consumed by worrisome thoughts that were racing through her mind.
As an adult, when I didn’t receive the same type of attention from others, I was taken back to those early memories that still live in my body and mind. When Lolly and I first started dating, I felt hurt and ignored when she didn’t make me dinner, do the dishes, or help with my laundry. Though she constantly told me how much she cared for me and showed me affection in other ways, I regularly started fights or acted passive-aggressively if I came home and my dinner wasn’t made, the house was messy, or laundry was piling up around the apartment. Not only did this create conflict in our relationship, it activated Lolly: when she was young, her mom exploded every time she saw that Lolly had left dishes in the living room or had not straightened up after herself.
As was the case in my relationships, asking someone to change what is comfortable to them can increase conflict, build resentment, and even spark deep-rooted feelings of unworthiness that prevent us from creating or sustaining a deeper connection. Our request to receive love in a certain way may be well-meaning, but it can drive two people further apart.
The reality is we need to feel safe in our body and open to our heart before we can be open to receiving any type of love, no matter how we or others express it. If our dysregulated nervous system and related ego stories are keeping us disconnected from our heart, it doesn’t matter what our loved ones say or do; we may continue to reject any of their attempts to show us love or connection. If our heart is closed to protect us from possible pain, our connections and relationships will continue to erode. And relying on others to adapt their natural ways of expression to meet our needs can plant a seed of resentment and create dysfunctional cycles of conflict within our relationships that will only continue to weaken our bonds.
To do our part to create this relational safety, we can practice empowerment consciousness by taking responsibility to make sure our needs are being met in our relationships. When we consistently create nervous system wellness through daily acts of self-care, we can more easily relax into our natural state of being, or our authentic Self, while giving others the space to do the same. Practicing empowerment consciousness, we don’t “need” our loved ones to show up or express affection in a specific way; we can take responsibility for our own safety by making sure we’re meeting our needs and by asking for additional support when we want or need it.
Requesting support from others can look like texting to see if a friend has the time and energy to listen while you share your feelings, asking them to spend time with you in quiet, or offering reassurance to each other when needed. It can look like asking a family member to watch your kid(s) for a few hours when they’re available so that you can take a long bath, catch up on your sleep, or run personal errands. It can look like seeking feedback from a trusted colleague to read your report before you submit it to your boss. Or it can look like posting on social media or in a virtual community to connect with others facing similar issues, helping you feel less alone with your struggles. Asking for support in these ways isn’t always easy, especially if we were unsupported in our childhood. Below are some suggestions that may help you begin to more safely and effectively communicate to others when you need additional support.
In this chapter, you’ll also learn how to build empowerment consciousness using the five steps to empower your relationships, my approach to healing conflict within our relationships, both romantic and platonic, without sparking conflict, creating resentment, or attempting to change others.
Before we dive more deeply into empowerment consciousness, let’s talk about the concept of interdependence. Interdependence occurs when separate entities, whether people, plants, animals, companies, or countries, retain their individual identities while sharing a connection. In human relationships, interdependence exists when we depend on others for safety and support while sustaining our integrity and worth as separate and distinct individuals.
To create interdependent relationships, we must first build a foundation of safety and security that allows each individual the space to express their unique skills and passions. When we feel truly safe to express our creativity and bring our unique skills to our relationships, we remain great on our own but become even better together. It’s like that sports team where each player is given the time, respect, and freedom to train for their individual position while bringing their full and best effort to group workouts and games.
We function interdependently within our relationships when we’re able to connect or join cooperatively together as complete, whole individuals. And, as we’ve been learning, we’re best able to connect to our authentic Self when we consistently:
True interdependence—what I call separate togetherness—allows for harmony and collaboration among group members. Whether we’re a group of two or twenty, we consider the different needs and best interests of each individual in our group, as well as the needs and best interests of the group itself.52 When we trust the security of our connection to the “we,” we create the space necessary to see things from multiple perspectives so that we can attune to and support others. Considering our group’s best interests not only boosts our own well-being by increasing our production of the hormone dopamine, it also increases our motivation and feelings of reward.53
Interdependence doesn’t always come naturally. Because many of us were raised by emotionally underdeveloped parents, we grew up not feeling safe and secure enough to take the space we needed to curiously explore and know ourselves as separate, whole individuals. Instead, we continue to engage in familiar patterns of self-betrayal often playing conditioned roles instead of living as our authentic Self. Locked in survival mode, we unconsciously prioritize our own thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. But we have to be able to attune to another person’s perspective if we want to exist in a compassionate relationship. And to be able to attune to another person, we have to be able to climb out of our body’s survival state so that we even see their perspective.
Though our sense of self-worth was impacted by our conditioning, we can learn to cultivate and increase our self-connection and self-love using the practices outlined throughout this book, regardless of our relationship status. To rebuild our self-worth and cultivate self-love, many of us will need to learn how to set boundaries with others so that we can begin to give ourselves the time, space, and resources we need to explore our thoughts, feelings, and interests. The more we create the space to attune to our inner worlds, the better we’ll be at noticing when we need to change the way we show up in our relationships. We can begin to identify our limits by pausing and noticing when certain relationships or experiences consistently create stress or emotional upset. It is when we witness and acknowledge our own limits that we can begin to take responsibility for our separate energetic space, or, simply, our individual Self.
As you can likely imagine, heart coherence is necessary if we want to be able to create this interdepence within our relationships. When we’re heart coherent, we’re open to creating a lasting and loving connection with another person. We’re emotionally resilient and mature making us better able to hold space for another’s unique self-expression so we can attune, co-regulate, and join in cooperation and co-creation with them. And, we’re better able to tolerate the misunderstandings that will naturally occur when navigating life with others, allowing space for our inherent differences and individuality.
We gain true interdependence when practice empowerment consciousness, a state that enables us to honor the inherent and beautiful aspects of our loved ones that make them special and unique. We can remain open and curious about our differences, attempting to understand their unique perspectives. We can let go of the idea that we need to receive affection in a certain way to feel loved or chosen and instead can begin to identify and celebrate all the other ways our loved ones value and love us that are more natural to them.
When we’re empowered, we no longer expect others to read our minds or intuitively know how we feel in order to meet our emotional needs for us. We recognize that it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to make us feel better or take away our sadness, loneliness, irritation, desperation, or any other painful emotions. Instead, we can communicate and directly ask for comfort or support in a way that feels safe and comfortable for everyone involved. We’re emotionally resilient and able to both self-regulate and co-regulate with others.
Because I was raised by dysregulated, emotionally underdeveloped, and unavailable parents, as many of you also were, I’ve always had a difficult time asking others for comfort or support and still struggle with it at times. Wanting support makes me feel too vulnerable, as though I’m underperforming in my relationships and activates my deep-rooted feelings of unworthiness. Relatedly, I can become annoyed when I see my loved ones directly asking for the support or comfort they need. I cringe when they request a quick foot rub. I glare when they tell me they’re going to tuck themselves away in a back bedroom for the day to enjoy some alone time. Now I can see that my feeling of annoyance indicates the discomfort I still feel when expressing my own needs, often feeling too uncomfortable to take the time or space I may need or too vulnerable to directly ask for the support or connection I may want. While I may think that I am upset with them, I am really upset with myself for my own acts of self-betrayal and related neglected needs. Now, my reaction suggests to me that my resources may be running low and that I, too, may benefit from some self-care or supportive connection.
Reading this, I imagine some of you are feeling fearful or worried that your loved ones may be genuinely unable or unwilling to give you the support you ask for. Even in these moments when we’re feeling hopeless or powerless, when we’re empowered and connected with our heart, we can tap into our intuition and trust our choices if we do decide to leave a relationship or commit to doing our part in making it a more mutually supportive space. We can do our part by intentionally working to change the dynamics of the relationship by seeing a friend less frequently, choosing to live or sleep separately from a romantic partner, or taking time and space for ourselves more frequently so that we’re able to be more open and supportive within the relationship.
Asking for support can be challenging for many of us, especially for those who’s parent-figures weren’t able to ask for what they needed or enabled others’ dysfunctional habits. Driven by what we saw and experienced in our earliest relationships, we may continue to embody the same dysfunctional habits today. Those of us who routinely feel compelled to step in to help a friend in their latest self-created crisis, make excuses to cover up a partner’s lies, or placate a parent in order to avoid an explosive reaction are enabling others to continue their patterns of harmful or self-destructive behaviors. Though we may think we’re acting compassionately or even supportively, we’re really allowing ourselves and others to stay stuck in dysfunctional cycles, often at both of our physical or emotional expenses.
When we’re empowered, we don’t let others treat us any way they choose. We feel safe and secure enough to leave the room or take the space we need without worrying about whether it will cause a break in our connection. We trust the security of our bond, knowing that the relationship can and will survive natural conflict. And if the conflict or relationship itself ever becomes threatening, we trust our ability to remove ourselves and find our way to safety, even when it means involving social services or law enforcement. Though we are personally never responsible for abusive or violating behaviors, it is our responsibility to identify when our limits have been crossed and seek safety accordingly.
Our goal with empowerment consciousness is to learn to support the uniqueness in others and their different ways of being while taking time to ensure that our own boundaries aren’t overstepped or we’re not contributing to others’ harmful behaviors. The next time a loved one calls or texts in need of emotional support and you’re going through something stressful or difficult yourself, remember to pause before immediately offering your support. Sometimes the most loving thing you may be able to do is use your remaining resources to support your own emotional needs, which can go a long way to preventing future resentment within your relationship.
I hope it is becoming clear to you that it is only when we become present to our own needs that we can be present to the needs of our relationships. We can start to communicate our natural need for our own self-care to others by saying something as simple as “I would love to be able to support you right now, but I am going through something myself, so I have few emotional resources available. I’ll check in with you in a few hours/days, when I can be more fully present and able to be there for you.”
Remember this the next time you witness yourself becoming dysregulated by a text you receive from a friend, for example, about how your relationship is impacting them or a partner discloses their infidelity in a past relationship—you can pause before reacting, whether you feel upset with their actions or overwhelmed by your emotions. By taking a pause, you can then recognize the vulnerability it may have taken for your loved one to share the information while also recognizing the emotional impact it has on you. To avoid future upset, the most loving thing you may be able to do for both of you is give yourself the time to process and figure out how you feel before responding. You can communicate this need for time and space by saying something as simple as “I appreciate your sharing [insert something personal about their share] and can imagine that it may not have been easy for you to do so. I am having something come up for me that I’ll need some time to process and would be grateful to have the opportunity to share it with you later, if you’re open to it.”
Despite what your conditioned mind may tell you, you don’t need to have a “valid” or “warranted” reason to take time or space for yourself, whether pausing before you respond or pursuing your own creativity, passions, or purpose. Wanting to remain in a balanced, productive, or creative space within yourself will only help you better show up to connect with and support others within your relationships. I try to practice this by holding space for myself not only when others are in a good mood but also when a loved one is upset, stressed, or shut down for whatever reason. Remaining grounded in my own emotional space is not selfish but actually enables me to offer them more compassionate and empathetic support within our relationship.
Focusing on building and maintaining a healthy, interdependent emotional connection will inevitably decrease resentment within our relationships. We will feel more secure in our connections and expand our ability to feel loved beyond more limited gestures of affection. And we will create lasting change by making new choices whenever we notice we’re reenacting the conditioned habits of our past.
Take a look at the disempowered versus empowered relationship chart as you spend time witnessing yourself and interactions with others. This exploratory exercise can help you identify habitual patterns in your various relationships.
Just because we shouldn’t exclusively depend on others to meet our needs or to take away our painful emotions doesn’t mean we shouldn’t acknowledge and communicate our needs and ask for emotional support when necessary. Becoming more consciously aware of our emotional needs allows us to build a feeling of ownership over our life experiences. This empowered state helps us realize that we have more agency in life and decreases our tendency to blame others or our life circumstances. As we take responsibility for and share our various emotional experiences, we do our part to cultivate emotional intimacy. And when we, and others, feel safe, valued, and loved within our relationships, we’re able to vulnerably ask for the support and reassurance we need.
As you become more aware of the different ways some (or all) of your needs are not being met in your different relationships, it will be helpful to take a moment to explore the questions here.
DISEMPOWERED RELATIONSHIP |
EMPOWERED RELATIONSHIP |
We rely on each other to make us happy and to meet most, if not all, of the other person’s needs and wants without directly communicating what they are. |
We are each responsible for our own happiness and practice regular acts of self-care to ensure that our needs are met, directly communicating what we need and want. |
We don’t set or uphold boundaries, often ignoring or enabling unacceptable or dysfunctional behaviors (sometimes seeing them as punishment or something we deserve). |
We are autonomous, respecting boundaries and saying no without emotional reactivity (e.g., rage, exploding, shutting down, or icing) or feeling pressured, guilted, or forced into anything. |
We have difficulty expressing our emotions and become reactive or harmful in disagreement, conflict, or upset, or, we avoid our emotions entirely. |
We welcome authentic emotional expression, creating a safe space to share our feelings and taking space, when necessary, to pause before reconnecting. |
We regularly talk over, interrupt, or blame each other or the external world for our thoughts and feelings, making things solely about us and our experiences and worry mostly about our own best interests, rarely, if ever, engaging in repair. |
We regularly practice heart-centered listening so we can emotionally attune and shift our perspective to develop a “felt” sense of the other person’s experience and act as a team to find a workable solution. |
We hold on to grudges or resentment from past experiences and often engage in communications or behaviors that shame each other. |
We forgive ourselves and each other, regularly seeing the good in us both and trusting that we are both doing the best we can. |
We regularly put the other person’s needs or wants before our own or take responsibility for their behavior, often experiencing feelings of anger or resentment as a result. We may lack appreciation or blame each other (e.g., “If you didn’t X, I wouldn’t have Y” or “You made me do X”). |
We give each other space and support to meet our individual wants and needs (personal responsibility) and allow for mutual growth and evolution (relational responsibility). |
We often find ourselves stuck in survival mode or crisis management and are unable to take moments alone or prioritize our individual interests, hobbies, or passions. |
We are committed to creating unstructured time to allow for play and activities that bring joy both inside and outside the relationship, including time and space to pursue solitude and individual interests, hobbies, or passions. |
Have I directly told my loved one(s) what I need/want or what I don’t need/don’t want? Many of us are able to voice the issues we have with our loved ones or repeat the things we don’t want. But to make sure our needs can be met, it’s helpful to voice what we specifically want or need, which increases clarity, fosters a collaborative environment, and puts us on the same page with those around us. Instead of saying “You don’t care about me when you’re away,” we could ask, “Can you text me before you go to bed so we can catch up about our day? That would help me feel more connected to you while you’re away.” Or before we yell, “You never listen to me!” we can calmly request, “Can we have a conversation where neither of us is distracted by our phone? This will help me be able to get all of my thoughts and feelings out.”
How can I meet this need/desire on my own if my loved one is unable or unwilling to do so? If you’re unsure how to answer this question, that’s okay; be patient and compassionate with yourself. Continue to take time and space to self-reflect and curiously explore yourself using the exercises throughout this book. Remember, even in emotionally attuned partnerships, there is a give-and-take in the availability of supportive resources, and it’s normal and even necessary to take turns playing a supportive role based on the energetic resources available to each of you. Because no one person can meet all of our needs all the time, it may also be helpful to find supportive relationships or communities outside our primary partnership.
For many of us, communicating our emotions is challenging, even in our long-standing relationships. We’re so desperate to be loved by others and scared of “losing” them that we don’t ask for support or set needed boundaries. This is especially true if our feelings were ignored or dismissed in childhood. And, when we believe our ego stories that we’re unworthy of having our needs met, we continue to suppress or deny them. But if we pretend to be “independent” and “strong” all the time or act as though we never get upset or need support (as I used to do), we can’t develop the security and connection we need to survive and thrive.
If we don’t communicate our feelings and set boundaries, we can’t expect to feel safe, valued, or loved within our relationships. To begin to communicate more effectively to others, we can:
Here are examples of language you can use to communicate your emotional needs more clearly and effectively to another person.
When we build empowerment consciousness, we can even start to recognize when someone else needs our support. We can often sense when our loved ones are irritated or overstimulated and offer them support with their problems or share our perspective with them. When we compassionately share our experience in those dysregulated moments we can sometimes even gently encourage our loved ones to take the time or space they need to more fully regulate themselves. When we’re aware of what’s happening inside us, we’re better able to hold space for the various, changing needs of those around us. And as we grow more and more confident in our self-worth and gain more security within our relationships, we’re better able to honor what others need without perceiving their preferences as an indication of our worthlessness.
Taking responsibility for our needs and building empowerment consciousness enables us to be the change we want to see in our relationships as we make them more sustainable and loving. When we focus on the ways we’d like others to be different, we create a dependency on external circumstances and deny the truth and power we all have to transform our experiences. Affirmations can be a useful tool to help change and eventually reprogram our mindset.
Below are listed examples of disempowering beliefs and the associated affirmations you can use to reconnect with your inherent power to create change in any relationship. At the end of this list, you’ll find tips to help you create your own affirmations best suited to your individual experiences.
Old belief: My partner is the problem, and they really need to fix their issues.
Empowered affirmation: Relationships are co-created and both of us play a role. As I become more conscious of this, I have an opportunity to make choices to create healthier relationships.
Old belief: My ex is a liar, cheater, narcissist, and complete psycho.
Empowered affirmation: The dynamics of my earliest attachment with my parent-figure or other childhood trauma were re-enacted in a relationship that was insecure, unstable, or chaotic.
Old belief: My friend is always taking advantage of me.
Empowered affirmation: It is my responsibility to set and maintain the boundaries I need.
Old belief: My loved one says they’re not interested in doing the work necessary to make our relationship healthier.
Empowered affirmation: This is useful information about where they are and I can now choose whether or not I can accept this.
Old belief: My mom/dad/sister/brother is constantly denying my reality (otherwise known as gaslighting).
Empowered affirmation: The way my mom/dad/sister/brother communicates with me is a powerful indicator of their emotional development, and I can now choose how I want to engage with them.
Old belief: My friend says one thing and does another, which leaves me feeling hurt and manipulated.
Empowered affirmation: I am conscious of my friend’s actions, and I can make choices based on those actions, not just on their words.
Old belief: My mom always brings me into the family drama.
Empowered affirmation: I can now choose how I spend my time and energy and communicate my boundaries clearly to others, even my mom.
You can begin to change the disempowering relational beliefs you witness in yourself by changing the language of your thoughts. To do so, practice removing your focus from what you believe the other person has caused you to feel. Then take some time to explore one way that you can begin to change your circumstances and related emotions by showing up differently.
At this point in our journey, we’ve covered the steps necessary to understand our dysfunctional relationship habits and start to create deeper, sustainable, more authentic bonds with others. At the same time, I know we’ve discussed a lot of things that may feel challenging or uncomfortable, and it’s normal to feel a little overwhelmed by all the new information and tools.
To make this work more approachable, here is all we’ve discussed so far organized into five pillars or steps. This process will help you become more aware of yourself, your safety, and the safety of all of those around you.
Though we’ve covered all these concepts in previous chapters, here’s how to actually put them all into practice.
The following questions can help you identify areas in which you already feel empowered and interdependent in your relationships and areas in which you may want to work to develop more relational empowerment and interdependence. Spend time thinking about each of your relationships, writing down your thoughts and feelings in a separate notebook or journal if helpful.
How do I feel when I’m in this individual’s presence? How do I feel before and after I spend time with them?
What do I like about this individual? What do I dislike about them or perceive as possible red flags?
Are they honest and consistent in their communication (i.e. they do what they say)? Are they dishonest and inconsistent in their communication (i.e., they say one thing and do another)?
Is there space in our relationship for emotional expression and attunement? That is, are my feelings heard and understood?
Do they listen to requests and respect boundaries?
Do they clearly ask for what they need?
Do they understand and take responsibility for their roles and emotions within the relationship?
Do we want the same things, and do our values align?
Am I open to this kind of relationship at this time?
Does our dynamic feel healthy, and is this something I want to continue to pursue as it is? What do I need to change about our dynamic in order for it to feel healthy and be something I want to continue to pursue?
It’s completely normal if you feel uncomfortable or disheartened about some of your responses to these questions. It’s helpful to view your answers as an opportunity or a starting point to identify and clarify areas that you’d like to address. Understanding what isn’t working can often help you to begin to find your way toward what will work, even if that means changing the dynamics of your current relationship or venturing into the unknown, alone. Remember, leaving a relationship when it’s no longer aligned or you feel complete and have grown all you can is different from leaving to try to find something better, which many of us, including myself, have done in the past. Be patient and give yourself time and space to grieve any changes or losses in any of your relationships, even those you’ve chosen to initiate for yourself.
As you explore your current circumstances or begin to create new ones, continuing to extend yourself grace and compassion and reminding yourself that each of us is a work in progress, doing the best we can. The fact that you are this far along in the work is an incredible sign of your desire and commitment to create change for yourself and your relationships.
As you’ve already learned, taking a moment to pause and connect with your heart can help you move toward a more connected and collaborative space of heart coherence. Before you enter what could be an upsetting interaction or conversation, place your hands on your heart and take a few slow, deep breaths as you remind yourself what is truly important to you about this person or relationship. It could be as simple as calling to mind something you like or appreciate about who they are and how they show up in your relationship. Spend as long a time here as you’d like before beginning the interaction or conversation, noticing if your experience or outlook changes in any way. Pay particular attention to both the differences in how you approach the interaction and how the other person responds to any shifts in your energy.
Those of you who want to begin to address more difficult topics or realities may find the following guidance helpful.
Conflicts are a natural part of navigating life with someone else who inevitably has different ideas, feelings, perspectives, and past experiences. Learning how to acknowledge our individual roles in conflict, including the impact of our emotional reactivity, helps increase our security and trust in a relationship. Emotionally healthy couples repair their relationship after disagreements or disconnection instead of ignoring their issues or pretending the conflict didn’t happen. Practice using the tips in the list below to help you repair your relationship or reconnect after heated or disconnected moments in your relationship.
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Naturally, most of us want to feel loved in the same ways we learned to feel loved as children. For most of us, these ways are anchored in trauma and what we needed to do to feel safe, valued, and loved in our childhood environment. As we become more aware of the expectations we place on others and take responsibility for our unmet childhood needs, we become intentional creators of our experiences with others instead of allowing our past trauma to drive and dictate how we interact with them. When we’re empowered in our interactions and relationships, we’re able to connect more authentically with the people with whom we share space and time. We’re also better able to connect with the energetic power of the natural world in which we live, a life-changing power you’ll learn more about in the next chapter.