Notes

A NOTE TO PARENTS

0.  That’s right: all three of us in the one stall.

0.  “To avoid tearing, moisten drain gasket before removal.”

A NOTE TO GRANDPARENTS

0.  While the rabbis were well aware that the acronym should have been FORT, a contingent of the least mature of them lobbied in favor of FART because it made them giggle.

THE SEDER PLATE

0.  Vegans may wish to substitute an “egg” made of Silly Putty, which is guaranteed to taste just as good as any other vegan egg substitute on the market.

0.  Not to be confused with “carp ass,” which is the main ingredient in gefilte fish.

0.  Vegans should note that this bone is just for looking at. Nobody is going to make you eat the bone, so just relax.

0.  At least one-third of those attending the Seder must remark that the charoset is delicious and their favorite part of the meal, and pledge to make it on some of the other 364 nights of the year. Actually doing so is, of course, prohibited by Jewish law and custom.

                Those with nut allergies should ask themselves how severe their nut allergies really are. If these so-called allergies result in nothing more dire than a mild stomachache and are mostly bandied about in a spirit of “Ooh, look at me, I’ve got an allergy,” then just eat the charoset. The same is true of the type of lactose intolerance that can be discreetly neutralized with a pill but is instead exhaustively discussed with the waiter at every family gathering before mysteriously vanishing when dessert is served. We are looking at you, Aunt Phyllis.

0.  Bitter Herb would be a great nickname. Why aren’t there more Jews called Bitter Herb? Especially from the generation that included a lot of people named Herb. Remember those Burger King ads from the 1980s (or, as one of the authors’ daughter calls them, chillingly but not inaccurately, “the nineteen hundreds”) about searching for and ridiculing Herb, the only guy in America who’s never tried a Whopper? Those were stupid.

0.  Hillel the Elder—born in Babylon in 110 C.E. and so called because he was elder than everybody else—is one of Judaism’s most famed religious leaders, instrumental in the development of the Mishnah and the Talmud and credited with articulating the Golden Rule (“One if by air, two if by sea”). But can we just pause for a second here to reflect on the fact that this dude invented the sandwich EIGHTEEN HUNDRED YEARS before the syphilitic British earl who got all the credit? Why isn’t it called a Hillel? Why isn’t that other schmuck’s version called a Sandwich’s Hillel? Granted, putting an edible thing between two other edible things and eating the resulting thing isn’t exactly rocket surgery, but still. How many other significant religious leaders have also altered the course of gastronomic history through invention rather than prohibition? You can bet your sweet tuchus that if Pope Innocent VIII had come up with fondue, every schoolchild would know all about it. But this singular innovation has been swept under the carpet like so much matzah dust. It’s a scandal. It really is.

WE LIGHT THE CANDLES

0.  It is important to note that the scriptures tell us Moses was capable of doing as many as two hundred sit-ups, which he often did as entertainment for the slaves who placed bets on how many he could do after a particularly hard day of slavery. The fact that he only did three before leaving Egypt underscores just how much of a hurry the Israelites were in.

0.  For those of you who may be offended that the words Jews and money appear in the same sentence, feeling that it perpetuates a negative stereotype that we have been trying to shed for centuries, fret not. In fact, we are deeply offended that you would even think that we would stoop so low. And if you would like a detailed explanation describing just how deeply offended we feel right now, please send us $10, and we may or may not tell you.

0.  True Story

THE SEDER HAS A SPECIAL ORDER

0.  Yes, this part of the Seder is called Kaddesh, but you say the Kiddush. If you find that confusing, then let’s not even talk about the Kiddish, which is a celebratory meal (but not this one) or the Kaddish, which is a prayer of mourning and also a famous poem by Allen Ginsberg. Funny story about Ginsberg: when one of the authors of this book was in high school, he went to see Ginsberg perform and maybe give him some crappy poetry he (the author) had written. He was expecting Ginsberg to have a beard down to his stomach and be shirtless and playing finger cymbals, but this was the early nineties, and instead Ginsberg was wearing a conservative navy suit and was a dead ringer for Irwin Blumer, the superintendent of the school this author was then attending. There was something really creepy and depressing about that. Maybe that was the day this author realized the sixties were really, really over, which probably he should have known already, since he was born in 1976.

0.  First official cup of wine, that is. There is no law against “pre-gaming,” to borrow a phrase from today’s binge-drinking college idiots, with a “Cup Zero” before the Seder begins. Indeed, as Rabbi Eliezer writes, “Getting hammered at a Seder would be uncool, but there is nothing wrong with being lightly toasted from the moment you walk in the door. Particularly if certain members of your extended family are already on the other side of that door, and are eager to share their political views.”

0.  While washing the hands before eating may strike us less as a ritual than an act of basic hygiene, our ancestors were not nearly so prissy. In biblical times, the hands were washed only on three occasions: after birthing livestock, on major religious holidays, and before birthing livestock.

0.  Parents may wish to advise younger children to partake heartily of these wilted, salt-water-drenched carrot sticks, as the actual meal is still unfathomably far away. Children may wish to take one bite and then spray partially chewed carrot bits across the table.

0.  In some families, the children hide the matzah, and the adults have to pay a ransom to get it back. The problem with this is that the children may become drunk with power and refuse to return the afikomen unless they are given an Xbox, or possibly a car. In other families, the adults hide the matzah and the children look for it. The problem with this is that inevitably, the adults will either hide it someplace too obvious, resulting in a super lame afikomen hunt, or they will hide it someplace too clever, resulting in the total meltdown of every child under six. To avoid all of these scenarios, you may wish to follow one simple rule: do not have children.

0.  This is the meat of the Seder. But you can’t eat it. It’s just the meat in the spiritual sense. Like, you know how you’re starving, and you wish you could eat some meat? That is how your heart and soul and brain feel about hearing the nourishing, juicy, succulent story of Passover. But again, no actual eating of any kind is going on here. Drink your wine. There is no more wine after this for a very long time.

0.  You’re probably wondering why we’re washing our hands, when we just washed our hands, right? There is an excellent reason for this. We just have no idea what it is.

0.  In recent years, a new generation of religious scholars has come to question the notion that matzah was invented when the Israelites fled Egypt with bread that had not had time to rise. Instead, they speculate that the Israelites were loath to flee without the early form of cardboard they had recently invented. It worked great for packing their belongings before leaving Egypt, but clearly was never intended to be eaten.

0.  Though not with our mouths full.

0.  Please note that this is not the Hillel sandwich discussed earlier, but a second, distinct sandwich. So really, the Jewish people have multiple claims to the invention of the sandwich, dating to long before there was even a place called Sandwich, or for that matter a British empire. If you learn nothing else tonight, remember this: everything you thought you knew about sandwiches is a vast anti-Semitic conspiracy.

0.  After waiting one billion years to eat, this meal would taste delicious even if it featured balls of ground-up trash fish mixed with matzah dust and slathered with horseradish to mask the taste. Which is lucky, because it does. A little-known fact about gefilte fish: on the 1991 song “What?” by A Tribe Called Quest, rapper Q-Tip declares that “Kapelka makes you vomit”—much to the consternation of hip-hop fans, who speculated that kapelka was some kind of exotic liquor or perhaps a bad-smelling friend of Q-Tip’s. But no: years later, Q-Tip revealed that kapelka was actually a severe mispronunciation of gefilte. As Rabbi Eliezer writes, “Q-Tip? More like Jew-Tip, am I right?”

0.  Assuming you can find it; if you can’t, the Seder cannot be concluded. This seems like a great premise for a comic film, right? Tell me you couldn’t sell that in a room: Seth Rogen’s house is full of obnoxious in-laws, mischievous kids, and weird old friends from out of town, and he just wants the night to end … but when the afikomen goes missing, he’s forced to endure an endless Seder—endlessly hilarious! Total four-quadrant movie. Plug in Adam Sandler as the crazy uncle, Andy Samberg as Rogen’s putz of a little brother, Kristen Wiig as his type-A wife, maybe Chris Rock as his high-powered boss who’s there for some reason—that puppy’s doing $200 million domestic, easy. We have got to call our agents.

0.  After the afikomen, nothing is permitted to pass the lips … except for two more cups of wine, to be consumed in quick succession. Why the sudden binge-drinking? Well, the kids are getting really out of hand, for one thing. Letting them eat all that sugar was probably a bad idea.

0.  While many songs are songs of praise, some may be more appropriate than others. Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back,” for example, while one of the finest tributes to the female buttocks in the Western canon, is probably a poor choice. Though, as Rabbi Eliezer writes, “G-d made asses too.”

0.  This means it is time to go home. Naturally, this will involve at least forty-five minutes of saying good-bye. What’s the old expression? Protestants leave without saying good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave. It’s so true.

WE WASH OUR HANDS

0.  It should be noted that Jews refrain from saying “often” when referring to Passover, and on this note there is virtual unanimity within the rabbinical community, because we were enslaved by the Egyptians for so many centuries that we drop the en so as not to remind us of its horror. In fact, there are a few sects that even refrain from using the en in the word century and spell it ctury. And even fewer sects that say ev instead of even—but those sects, and the rabbis also concur about this, are extremely insane.

0.  For those who wonder why not simply make it Five Questions, it was the consensus among those very same rabbis that the Seder was already long enough and that to have to answer still another question would be futile as the rumbling of hunger pangs of those assembled at the Seder table would drown out that answer anyway.

0.  According to one account, Rabbi Avram Gamlieal, who said we should wash our hands four times, got into such a heated discussion with Rabbi Yossel “Yo-Yo” Ma, who insisted that anything less than twelve was tantamount to heresy, that the two of them squared off with sharpened shank bones before being separated by the other 2,400 rabbis at the conclave.

WE BREAK THE MIDDLE MATZAH

0.  If we remember to write it.

0.  Or, technically, just outside the land of Egypt.

0.  Come and eat some matzah, that is. The actual meal will not be served for some time yet.

0.  Not that our obligations to the needy should be limited to singing them off-key songs and feeding them brisket once a year. Frankly, that accomplishes very little in terms of eradicating neediness, but it is a nice thought.

0.  Or better yet, Barbados.

THE FOUR CHILDREN

0.  As Rabbi Eliezer said, “You can’t spell ‘Haggadah’ without ‘Ha.’”)

Discussion Questions for “THE FOUR CHILDREN”

0.  Tom Hagen, an orphan whom Sonny brought home and who once told Sonny, “I’m as much a son to him [Vito] as you or Mike,” does not count. Though it’s certainly revealing that he didn’t say, “you, Mike, or Fredo.” Clearly, Tom considered himself more of a Corleone than Fredo. This seems likely to be accurate; as Rabbi Eliezer has written, “Fredo got dropped on his head as an infant.”

THE PASSOVER STORY

0.  4:45 P.M.

THE TEN PLAGUES

0.  G-d, that would improve the Seder.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

0.  Sometimes it was also called Doug.

0.  Specifically, “Hello, Dolly!”

0.  As opposed to forty days and thirty-nine nights, which would have been a little cheaper.

THE GOLDEN CALF

0.  Squabbling Rabbis would be a good name for a band.

THE PROMISED LAND

0.  This would be Rabbi Dirk Moscowitz, brother of Rabbi Shane Moscowitz.

WE EAT A SANDWICH OF MATZAH AND MAROR

0.  So called because they contained unprecedented levels of Yore.

0.  Instead, we sacrifice to afford tickets to the High Holidays.

WAITING FOR ELIJAH

0.  This is not to be confused with Seders at Samuel Beckett’s home where a fifth of Irish whiskey was filled, the door was opened, and Vladimir and Estragon waited for G-dot to enter.

0.  This is not to be confused with Seders in certain uptown neighborhoods where the front doors are opened and hoodlums (whose names could very well be Elijah) enter and, after drinking from the Kiddush cup, steal the Kiddush cup along with all of the Seder-goers’ jewelry and their hosts’ TV sets at gunpoint.

0.  To our knowledge this is the first time circumcision has been referred to four times in one paragraph in any Haggadah. Celebrate with another cup of wine!

0.  This is not to be confused with Elijah Wood’s announcement, as Frodo Baggins in Lord of the Rings, that he would carry the Ring of Power to Mount Doom and there cast it into the flames from whence it was forged. Though certainly the two statements are related.