CHAPTER 10
Power or Strength: Which is More Effective?
Meet Jake. He’s a big guy at six-feet, five-inches. When he walks into a room, he dominates the crowd.
Since the beginning of his career, Jake has been a success. He quickly climbed the corporate ladder, effortlessly taking each rung, rising to the very top of his company by his late thirties. He knew how to control a situation and juggle anything tossed his way. Jake was a doer who made things happen. He controlled situations, drove events, and crossed the finish line first. He was a hero.
Once at the top, though, Jake discovered that his leadership style was no longer effective. He couldn’t control people the way he had controlled situations or tasks. The problem: he focused on his own productivity rather than connecting, influencing, and working through others. Enter vulnerability.
If control is on one end of the spectrum, vulnerability is on the other. Vulnerability was something Jake stayed far, far away from. When we met Jake, he faced the formidable challenge of developing the next generation of leaders. That’s hard to do without becoming fully alive and engaged; that is, considering the ME.
As executive coaches, we see many leaders like Jake who have experienced nothing but success, and then suddenly bump into a conundrum. These leaders know all about power and control. They don’t consider that vulnerability or self-revelation is part of the solution.
POWER, MEET STRENGTH
During our first session with Jake, we introduced him to our Power and Strength Continuum model (see below). Fluid movement along this continuum is key to successful navigation between managing (getting control of a situation or people) and leading (connecting and influencing people).
THE POWER AND STRENGTH CONTINUUM4
Our culture teaches us that when we win an authority figure’s approval, we gain a certain level of power and control. Babies quickly learn that if they cry, someone will pick them up or feed them. Basic cause and effect. Children learn that when they get good grades or win the game, they get approval. They learn that they receive praise for having the right answer, and that being right is much better received than revealing that you don’t understand.
As adults seeking power or control at work, we may do whatever it takes to win and not let anyone know when we are uncertain or don’t have an answer. At home, we try to be the best or perfect parent by becoming the little league coach or heading up the school fundraiser. Though getting good grades and being the perfect parent are admirable endeavors, often the motivation is applause, approval, or acceptance. We want to feed our ideal status. Unfortunately, we lose connection with our authentic selves in the process.
Children learn to use power as an antidote to uncertainty and a sense of helplessness as they grow. To dominate and control the world around them is a viable solution to uncertainty and the unknown. The alternative solution, although not as popular, is strength: the capacity to accept oneself and turn inward, listen to yourself, and make decisions based on inner guidance, your gut instincts, rather than what others want or expect. However, this alternative involves embracing uncertainty and acknowledging that there is and will always be an unknown.
It stands to reason that most individuals believe it’s better to control themselves and the environment than to feel the vulnerability and uncertainty of living in the unknown or a world without a right answer. We reinforce this belief when we continue to resolve feelings of uncertainty and helplessness by acquiring more power and control.
THE POWER AND STRENGTH CONTINUUM5
In fact, most people find it easier and easier to objectify themselves and others—depersonalizing, treating people as objects, and keeping the world at a distance. The alternative, on the other end of the continuum, is to be personal—reveal ourselves in the moment and accept the world as it is presented. This latter option moves further and further into the background the more a person uses power and control.
THE POWER AND STRENGTH CONTINUUM6
From the power and control side of the continuum comes a great deal of external success and achievement. Creating specific outcomes and being rewarded externally comes with significant applause. If you work hard, you get the raise, the promotion, the big title. You become the high performer in the organization. Who can resist those rewards? People are wired to want approval. It’s natural that we strive for accolades and advancement, but that gets us stuck on the wrong side of the continuum.
The alternative to achievement is mastery (see below). That’s a big statement, we know. Hang with us while we explain.
Mastery is not fixed to a particular external outcome, but rather to a growing internal sense of competence and satisfaction. This internal sense of competence and satisfaction also comes with achievement; however, it is not the critical measure of achievement. We tend to measure achievement by external signs of success. Mastery can be elusive for someone who has been heavily rewarded externally for achievements. The problem for high achievers and those who rest solidly on the power/ control side of the continuum is they typically only know they are good enough when they hear applause or meet the expectations of others or of society.
THE POWER AND STRENGTH CONTINUUM7
Jake was very successful operating on the power side of the equation. However, there are two reasons it is important for leaders like Jake to reconnect to their ME and include the strength side of the equation.
The first reason is simple. As leaders rise to the top of an organization, they enter a fishbowl, with people watching everything they do. In other words, they become vulnerable and exposed to potential harm. From this place, a leader can choose either to be reactive and scramble to increase power and control, or to be responsive and bring forward more of himself in order to be more human.
For someone like Jake, being real, open, and honest is counterintuitive because his success has come through power and control.
The second reason leaders should reconnect to their ME is that it is the most effective way to influence people. Leaders who are real enough to reveal themselves earn more loyalty and engagement from the people on their team. They create an opening for connection that doesn’t exist from the power/control side of the continuum.
We had many discussions with Jake about this Power and Strength Continuum. Jake would go away and chew on it, and he always came back with a reason to stay in control. That was until one day when he came in, plopped down in the chair across from us, and let out a big sigh.
“I just don’t know how to do this,” he said. “I don’t know where to begin. I don’t even know what my strengths are!”
We told him that, in that moment, he had made the first step toward vulnerability. From then on, Jake was completely different in our sessions. He applied his drive and energy to developing new ME muscles: revealing himself, being personal, and sharing both his strengths and weaknesses.
A couple of months later, we facilitated a strategy session with his team. We kicked off the day with some ME work, discussing styles. Rather than standing up and commanding the room like he normally did, Jake sat back and said, “I have to admit, while I have been a great doer, I haven’t cracked the code of how to be a great leader. I’ve made some mistakes with you guys.”
At first his team argued with him, apparently uncomfortable with his realness. “No way, Jake,” they said. “We think you’re great.”
Jake responded, “Hey, thanks for the vote of confidence, but I know I need to improve in some areas, and I need feedback from you guys if I am going to get better.”
For the rest of the day his team relaxed and, indeed, even spoke up to offer Jake some constructive feedback. One team member said, “I appreciated when you handed me the project, but then when we hit one delay you took over. I never got it back, which didn’t help my project management confidence.”
Jake responded, “I can see your point. I didn’t even think about the impact on you.”
We worked with Jake and his team for several months after that, and Jake brought more and more of himself to his work. At the end of our coaching relationship, Jake could move flexibly between power and strength. The intention was never for him to shift permanently to the strength and vulnerability side of the continuum. Ideally, a leader moves fluidly between the two sides of the continuum as appropriate for the situation.
Strength and vulnerability are not always the right answer. There are situations when you definitely want power and control. For example, in a crisis, a leader’s ability to take charge, make clear decisions, and give direct orders creates a calm atmosphere and success. The key is to know you have a choice, and to develop your ME muscles to make that choice.
Don’t be stuck on the power side of the continuum, or the strength side for that matter. An effective leader (and person) has the awareness, flexibility, and willingness to move from power to strength and back again, rather than planting themselves firmly on either end of the continuum.
A year later, Jake called us in again. He was now in charge of leadership development across the entire organization and invited us to partner with him to develop and conduct their intensive leadership development training sessions.
At the first session we could hardly believe our eyes and ears. There stood Big Jake in the front of seventy-five people, kicking off the training by talking about the importance of being vulnerable, self-revealing, and sharing weaknesses and strengths. He opened up about his own struggles with these concepts and the journey we had taken together. Everyone listened in rapt attention.
We knew our work that day would be easy. Leaders have amazing influence when they let down their walls, reveal themselves, and connect. Exercising those vulnerability muscles develops the ME and creates a high fidelity that influences others. People trust people who are real.
Do you know how to be a high-performing leader? Read on.