CONTENTS

Introduction

1 Getting Settled

How to Avoid Going to the Wrong College

How to Identify a Party School

How to Take on a New Identity

Jock

Hippie

Intellectual

Foreign Student

How to Avoid a Disaster Mattress

How to Decorate Your Room When You’re Broke

Milk Crate Chair

T-Shirt Curtains

Picture Frame

2 Room and Board

How to Survive in a Small Room

How to Deal with a Nightmare Roommate

How to Deal with a Promiscuous Roommate

How to Silence Squeaky Bedsprings

How to Deal with an Unexpected Visit from Your Parents

How to Hide Things in Your Dorm Room

Small Item

Large Item

How to Survive the Dorm Bathroom

Toilet

Shower

How to Avoid Doing Laundry

How to Avoid the Freshman Fifteen

Food Equivalency Chart

How to Put Out a Microwave Fire

How to Identify Unsafe Cafeteria Food

Meat and Poultry

Salad Bar

Packaged Foods

How to Eat When You’re Broke

How to Eat for Nothing

How to Eat for Under a Dollar

How to Ask Your Parents for Money

3 Extracurricular Survival Skills

How to Survive the Walk of Shame

How to Avoid a Nightmare Hook-Up

How to Date Three People at Once

How to Survive Sports Emergencies

Man Overboard

Hit in the Eye with a Hockey Puck

Dart Injury

How to Survive a Stadium Riot

How to Get a Free Drink When You’re Broke

How to Open a Bottle without an Opener

Another Bottle

Lighter

Table Edge

Screwdriver, Spoon, Fork, or Knife

Belt Buckle

Deadbolt Lock

Fire Hydrant

In-Line Skate

Metal Pool Bridge

Vending Machine

How to Chill Beverages without a Refrigerator

Indoors

Outdoors

How to Deal with “The Spins”

How to Vomit Correctly

How to Deal with the Aftermath of a Wild Party

Hole in the Wall

Broken Window

Red Wine Spill

Wax on Carpet

Spill on Keyboard

How to Survive Initiation Night

Swallowing Something Gross

Getting Paddled

Enduring Psychological Torture

How to Survive a Night in Jail

4 Class Survival

How to Survive When You’re Called On and Don’t Know the Answer

How to Write a Last-Minute Paper

How to Cram for a Test

How to Sleep in the Library

How to Hook Up in the Library

How to Pull an All-Nighter

How to Take a Test When You Have Not Studied

Essay

Multiple Choice

How to Postpone an Exam or Get an Extension for a Paper

How to Survive a Boring Class

How to Sleep in Class

How to Get into a Class That Is Full

How to Survive Class When Hungover

How to Pad a Résumé

Job Description Euphemism Chart

Appendix

How to Sound Intelligent: Useful Names

How to Tell Your Parents You’ve Been Expelled

The Experts

About the Authors

Acknowledgments