“There are times when parenthood seems like nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.”
—Peter De Vries
Main Points:
• No one was meant to parent a toddler … without a lot of help.
• Toddlers are tricky even for experienced parents.
• Your tot’s words or deeds may open up feelings of hurt and humiliation from deep in your past.
• Young kids are especially hard to deal with if their temperaments clash with ours.
• The key to effective parenting: Be an “ambassador”! The best parents diplomatically mix sincere respect and clear limits.
Parenting is the greatest joy—and the toughest job. You love your child, but … oooff! One minute your tot is the apple of your eye, the next she’s the pebble in your shoe.
Every mom and dad I’ve ever met has confronted some or all of the following four struggles that can make the toddler years even more challenging:
Parents’ Four Big Struggles
• We don’t get enough help and guidance.
• Daily battles can make us feel like failures.
• Our toddlers’ actions can “push our buttons.”
• Our temperaments may clash with our children’s.
Parent Struggle #1: We Don’t Get Enough Help and Guidance
“It takes a village to raise a child.”
—African proverb
Man, it’s hard spending a whole day entertaining a young child. How did our grandparents do it? The truth is … they didn’t.
The whole idea of the nuclear family (a household of just parents and kids) is a recent invention. In fact, it’s one of the biggest experiments in human history. Our ancestors always lived in extended families (near grandparents, aunts, cousins, etc.).
For thousands of years, parents had the village to help them. In fact, when people from more traditional cultures hear about our spread-out families, they’re usually stunned. “You can’t be serious!” they say. “How can you raise a baby without your sisters, mother, aunts, and friends?”
More and more, we leave our hometowns, have fewer older children to help out, don’t know the neighbors, and live in single-parent families or families where both parents work full-time jobs.
Sure, we have lots of modern conveniences (like cars and washing machines), but they can never make up for the loss of family, neighbors, and community. No wonder parents feel overwhelmed. We are! And when you add to that some other modern trends like drive-through restaurants, online shopping, e-mail, and telecommuting, it’s plain to see that we live in little worlds that are increasingly isolated from one another.
What is the result of these changes? Amazingly, today’s parents often work longer hours than most parents in past generations. That’s because they either have to supervise their kids 24/7 without help or spend all day at work and then come home to a house full of undone chores.
The challenge of parenting is especially great today because, unlike parents in earlier generations who often cared for younger siblings or babysat the neighbor’s children, most of us have little to no experience raising kids. We get training for our jobs, and we take driver’s ed, but when it comes to parenthood, we’re supposed to just figure it out on our own.
So please, give yourself a round of applause. You’re not a wimp if you use a babysitter or a housecleaner. You’re not selfish if you get away for lunch with a friend or take an exercise class. Too many parents undermine themselves with guilt. Give yourself credit for all the good work you’re doing … and get yourself some help.
Finding Your Village
Whether you live in Manhattan, New York, or Manhattan, Kansas, you can find, or create, communities of child-rearing support all around you:
• Set up playdates with a friend who has a toddler the same age as yours.
• Get to know your neighbors.
• Enroll your child in nursery school or preschool, a Mother’s Day Out program, or Mommy and Me–type playgroups. (Age two is not too young.)
• Join a gym or activity group targeted to parents and toddlers.
• Join a playgroup or babysitting co-op. (Check your pediatrician’s bulletin board or a community newspaper or Web site.)
• Look for online communities for moms of toddlers.
• Invite an older neighbor to visit with your child.
• Join a place of worship.
• Move nearer to your family or move them nearer to you.
Parent Struggle #2: Daily Battles Can Make Us Feel Like Failures
“Perfection is only found in the dictionary.”
—Old saying
Lynne was in tears. That morning her 20-month-old, Josh, sank his teeth into a child at playgroup. It was the third time this week he had bitten someone, and this time he did it so hard the teacher asked Lynne not to bring Josh back. She sobbed, “What am I doing wrong?”
We proudly take credit when our kids behave well, so it is only natural for us to feel responsible when they misbehave. But before you rush to judge yourself, remember that toddler limit-pushing is totally normal. Whether you’re a CEO or a four-star general, your toddler is going to break the rules.
We all mess up sometimes, but failing every now and then doesn’t make us failures; it’s a normal part of parenting and can actually speed us along the path to success. So relax and learn to look at your mistakes with a sense of humor. Believe it or not, these toddler years will be gone in a flash, and one day you’ll miss them terribly. Take a big breath, and know that your love, respect, and guidance will help you finish these years with a happy, confident, likable child at your side!
Here’s one more bit of consolation for you: Toddlers save their biggest meltdowns for their parents. We’re the people with whom they feel the safest. So you might consider your primitive little friend’s tantrums a form of flattery.
Bad Day? You’re in Good Company!
“If at first you don’t succeed, you’re running about average.”
—M. H. Anderson
Even the greatest geniuses fail … many, many times! Dr. Seuss, America’s beloved children’s author, was rejected twenty-eight times before he found a publisher for The Cat in the Hat. Barbra Streisand’s off-Broadway debut opened and closed the same night. Walt Disney was once fired because he “lacked imagination” and “had no original ideas.”
Luckily, parenthood is chock-full of second chances. So if you’re having a tough day, don’t get stuck obsessing over it. To paraphrase Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With the Wind, tomorrow really is another day.
Parent Struggle #3: Our Toddlers’ Actions Can “Push Our Buttons”
“There are days when everything my boy does pushes my buttons. I end up feeling like I’m one big button!”
—Peter, dad of three-year-old Andrew
Toddlers do have a way of pushing our buttons. Their actions can unleash from within us strong, often irrational over-reactions. Sometimes we get so angry we literally can’t think straight or control what we say. And, the more stressed we get, the more we start acting like primitives ourselves.
What’s the biggest reason we lose it with our toddlers? Their behavior triggers demons from our past.
Here’s what I mean: Our kids’ actions may release sudden waves of memory. Sometimes these can be wonderful. For example, watching your child lick the bowl may bring back a happy memory of you making cookies with your mom. But other times they can be deeply upsetting. Fragments of painful past experiences dwell inside us all, waiting for a catalyst to bring them to the surface again. For example, being slapped in the face by your two-year-old may suddenly rekindle the anger you felt when you were slapped by your father (or, more recently, when you were insulted by a boss). If your child laughs when you accidentally spill soup down your shirt, that might bring back the deep hurt you felt when you were taunted by schoolmates or mocked by a sarcastic grandmother.
Often we react without any specific memory of a similar situation. But if you feel a sudden surge of anger, hurt, or resentment, that’s a pretty sure sign that your child’s action has tapped into some strongly upsetting early experience.
Making peace with your past
Debby was proud to go out to dinner for Mother’s Day with her husband, Andy, and their three-year-old twins, Sophie and Audrey. But her happiness turned to hurt when the girls started fighting over who would sit next to Andy: “I don’t want Mommy! I want Daddy!” She unexpectedly felt the sting of rejection she remembered from when she was a child and kids on the playground wouldn’t let her join in to play any of their games.
Remember, when we get mad or hurt, our rational left brain shuts down and the emotional right side takes over. That’s why, in the heat of the moment, it’s easy to forget that your toddler isn’t intentionally trying to hurt or humiliate you. Your tot’s spitting, scratching, and defiance are just the primitive acts of an immature, uncivilized little person who has trouble controlling herself, and hasn’t learned to anticipate—or care—how others feel.
A better response when your buttons get pushed
Sara Jane said, “The other day, I got so mad I threw the remote control and broke it. I had angry parents, and I’m so afraid of losing my temper with Kimmie. But something inside me just snaps when she looks right at me and disobeys. It’s like she’s daring me to do something!”
No parent wants to scream at her toddler, but sometimes anger just erupts out of nowhere. I don’t want you to ignore your feelings, but it is simply not okay to explode in front of your child. Your child can’t help acting like a caveman, but you can … and must. It’s your responsibility to do your utmost never to lash out with physical violence or hurtful words.
Take a breath … forgive yourself (we all have old pains that make us overreact) … and try to understand why you got so upset. Review the outburst in your mind or write it down in a journal. Anger may be the initial reaction to your child’s misbehavior, but anger is usually just a shell that covers our deeper feelings, like fear, hurt, shame, or betrayal.
Try to find the hurt that’s under your anger. Your daughter’s words or actions might have made you mad, but she is not the one who hurt you in the past. Can you recall an early experience that triggered similar feelings? Remembering will allow you to use your adult ability to analyze these feelings and put them in proper perspective.
Once you realize which feelings lie beneath your anger, spend a minute to realize how unfair it was for you to have been treated in that way when you were a child. But you will be a happier person, and a better parent, if you can forgive those who caused you pain. Make your peace … let go of the past … savor the present.
Those are the first healthy steps to parenting thoughtfully instead of reactively.
So what should you do when your toddler does something that makes your blood boil? Here are a few options:
• Scowl, clap your hands hard a few times, and make a rumbly growl. Then, sternly say, “No!” (See Clap-Growl Warnings: for more about this supereffective tactic.)
• Turn away for thirty seconds and take some deep breaths (see magic breathing).
• Put your child in a safe place, then go punch the mattress or scream into a pillow.
And if you find yourself getting flaming mad over and over again, here are some smart strategies to help you keep your cool:
• Talk about your painful feelings and memories with someone you trust.
• Get more help at home or put your tot in preschool.
• Don’t spread yourself thin. Look for ways you can lighten your load a little.
• Plan some fun little treats every day (even if it‘s just a ten-minute break for reading a magazine).
• Get more sleep.
• Ask your doctor or spiritual counselor about support groups and other resources.
And if you do lose your temper with your child, use it as an opportunity to “turn lemons into lemonade.” Apologize as soon as you cool down. Then, later in the day, take a moment to calmly talk about how you wish you and she had behaved, and remind her that you’ll have plenty of chances to practice getting it right and that your love is way stronger than anger.
Many of us take our daily accomplishments for granted, yet beat ourselves up over our mistakes. However, just as we praise our kids for their baby steps of progress, we need to do the same for our own baby steps of success. Here’s a simple way to boost your optimism, resilience, and happiness that’s almost like saying nightly prayers. I call it bedtime sweet talk.
Each night at bedtime, remind yourself of two or three of the tiny successes or happy experiences from the day that has just passed: “I had many blessings today, like meeting the new neighbor down the street; dinner came out great; I didn’t yell at my child even once.”
Take sixty seconds to jot these down in a notebook. I guarantee they’ll bring a smile to your face every time you look back at them … for many years to come.
The amazing thing about bedtime sweet talk is that pretty soon you’ll start noticing how much more is going right in your life than you thought. (Read more about using bedtime sweet talk with your toddler on this page.)
Parent Struggle #4: Our Temperaments May Clash with Our Children’s
Is your child a chip off the old block—or a mutant from Mars? Are the two of you peas in a pod … or sparks and dynamite?
In the last chapter, I discussed the large contribution your toddler’s inborn temperament makes to her behavior. Now let’s turn the tables and look at your temperament. (Yes, you have one too!)
Judy was a “60 mph” kind of woman, but her kids were slow as molasses. In fact, Judy nicknamed Emily and Ted “Speed Bump #1” and “Speed Bump #2” because they forced her to switch from her normal fast pace to a turtle’s creep.
Few of us mesh perfectly with our children. Psychologists have a term for how well a parent’s temperament matches up with his child’s: goodness of fit. And, unlike with lovers, opposites don’t always attract.
Do any of the following describe how you match up with your toddler?
| I’m neat and disciplined. | My daughter is a little Pigpen. | |
| I love to cuddle. | My son pushes me away when I hug him. | |
| I’m athletic. | My son is low energy and would rather read. | |
| I’m the life of the party. | My son is timid and cries around strangers. | |
| I’m soft-spoken. | My daughter is opinionated, defiant, and wild. |
We usually have the easiest time getting along with children who are similar to us. But not always. For example, stubborn parents with stubborn kids can be an explosive mix.
What’s Your Fit? Check out the list of temperament traits on this page. See how you rate on qualities like intensity, mood, and so forth. How do you compare with your toddler? Where do you complement each other and where do you collide? Half the challenge in parenting (and all close personal relationships) is being able to manage your personality differences.
Are You Your Toddler’s Boss or Buddy? 
During infancy, we happily give our babies everything they want: milk, a clean diaper, cozy cuddling. We bend over backward and savor the sweet reward of their laughter and hugs.
Then, around the first birthday, something changes. Our child starts crawling, walking, and screaming out her strong opinions (“Gimme!!!”). We will still try to be “reasonable” and give 90 percent of what she wants, but 10 percent of the time we just can’t or don’t want to bend to our child’s request. And guess what? She’s not going to like that.
We lovingly acknowledge her feelings. She throws a fit!
We use reason. She throws a fit!
We distract … we explain … we warn. She throws a fit!
Pretty soon we’re having a fit too. And the two of us are going at it like a couple of pro wrestlers.
So what are you supposed to do?
At my lectures, bewildered parents often ask what to do to get their kids to behave: “Should I be more lenient? More tough? Am I breaking her spirit? Giving in too much?” They’re confused about teaching obedience because they don’t have a lot of personal experience and they’re bombarded with contradictory advice: Be giving! Be strict! Be a friend! Be the boss!
Most of us want to respond to our children’s demands with kindness and generosity, hoping that they will follow our lead and learn to be kind in return. But unfortunately, trying to be a “buddy” and repeatedly giving in to your primitive little friend’s demands may end up teaching her that whining works and turn her into a spoiled brat.
On the other hand, all parents are warned to back up their rules with swift, predictable consequences if they want to raise an obedient child and keep order in their home. But if that really worked, parenting would be a snap. You’d just command your child to stop … and she would. Unfortunately, parents who try to be their child’s “boss” rely too much on threats and often end up inflaming confrontations rather than reducing them (especially with strong-willed, tenacious tots).
So what’s a parent supposed to do?
Be an Ambassador to Your Toddler 
The truth is we don’t live in a black-and-white world. Sometimes you’ll act like your child’s buddy and sometimes her boss, but the best way to understand your job is to think of yourself as an ambassador … an ambassador from the 21st century to the “uncivilized” little munchkin living in your home.
I know what you’re probably thinking: Ambassador? What the heck does he mean?
Well, you know what ambassadors do, right? They go to foreign countries and build good relations by giving, giving, giving. They give aid, throw parties, and show respect. But they’re not pushovers. When there’s a serious conflict, they put their foot down: “My country will not tolerate this.”
As parental “ambassadors” we do the exact same thing. We build good relations with our kids by giving, giving, giving. We give food, love, toys, backrubs—we’re forever giving. But from time to time we also need to put our foot down, set a firm limit and enforce it.
To build good relationships with dukes and kings, the world’s best ambassadors all must master two key skills:
• communicating with respect (to avoid ruining the relationship by accidentally offending their host)
• speaking the language of the country they’re visiting (Even the best ambassador will fail if she can’t speak the language of the people with whom she’s working.)
Similarly, to build good relationships with their tots, the world’s best parents must master the same key diplomatic skills:
• communicating with respect
• speaking the language a toddler’s immature brain can understand
In the next section, you’ll have some fun mastering these two powerful parenting skills.