“You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”
—Old adage
Main Points:
• Yellow-light behaviors are annoying things kids do, like whining, pestering, and dawdling.
• You can curb your toddler’s yellow-light behaviors with four smart parenting skills:
1. Connect with Respect: Using the Fast-Food Rule and Toddler-ese (plus a few other tricks) to help you detour around potential conflicts.
2. Make Your Limits Clear and Consistent: Easy ways to help your child know when you mean business.
3. Forge Win-Win Compromises: Using your toddler’s sense of fairness (and a little smart bargaining) to turn a won’t-won’t into a win-win … so both you and your child can feel triumphant.
4. Enforce Mild Consequences: Clap-growl warnings and kind ignoring are two persuasive ways to show your child that annoying behaviors are a dead-end street.
The Terrible Almost-Twos and Tantrummy Threes
Toddlers are fun with a capital F! They’re lively, silly, and curious. But by 18 months an unmistakable shift occurs; they become more demanding, rigid, and aggressive.
No wonder a common question doctors hear at the two-year checkup is “How bad are the terrible twos going to be?” Nervous parents who have just narrowly survived the 18-month struggles worry, Is this going to get even harder?
Fortunately, a toddler’s screaming meanies usually peak at 18 months. By the second birthday the “terrible twos” are almost over.
But even if your child is past his second birthday … don’t break out the champagne just yet. Shortly after the third birthday, many kids have a spurt of demanding, disrespectful behavior—the “tantrummy threes.”
Interestingly, older toddlers (three to four years of age) have a lot in common with … tumultuous teens. Teens get emotional whiplash as they swing between wanting adult rights (“Everyone else can stay out late! ”) and reverting to childish irresponsibility (“I hate cleaning my room!”). Similarly, older toddlers swing between demanding the rights of “big kids” (“Let me do it!”) and clinging to infantile excuses (“No, it’s yucky!”).
Your upset toddler is as much the victim of his intensity and immaturity as you are. But the skills I teach in this chapter will help you discourage his yellow-light behaviors … fast!
Yellow-Light Behaviors: Annoying Little Things Your Child Says and Does 
In the next chapter, I’ll teach you how to put the kibosh on really bad (red-light) behaviors. But in this chapter we’ll be talking about the dozens of toddler shenanigans that are not terrible … just terribly annoying. These are the yellow-light behaviors: whining, begging, clinging, pouting, interrupting, teasing, dawdling, grabbing, yanking, screeching, fussing, and mild defiance, to name a few!
Like a tiny pebble in your shoe, yellow-light behaviors can bug the heck out of you, especially if you are tired or stressed. Your child’s annoying and defiant behavior may call up bad memories from your own childhood, causing you to overreact and your temper to flare.
Fortunately, the four simple skills mentioned above can quickly turn these minor conflicts back into cooperation. Study them well. I predict you’ll use them daily for years to come.
Yellow-Light Skill #1: Connect with Respect
It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it.
Many parents, wanting put a quick end to their child’s whining and defiance, try to stop their behavior with:
• distraction—“Hey, look at this!”
• ridicule—“Don’t be such a baby!”
• threats—“Stop now or I will stop you!”
• yelling—“Stooooop! ”
While these responses may seem like the fastest way to stop the nagging, they can often backfire and quickly escalate the fight from whining to screaming, spitting, and scratching.
Like the mom and dad in the next cartoon, we all want to reach the treasure chest of good behavior as fast as possible. But parents who think they can go straight for it risk falling right off the cliff. Splat! We can all have well-behaved, respectful children, but the only sure way of achieving that is to stay on the path of good parenting. This takes a bit more effort at first, but it will save you tons of time as your child’s yellow-light behaviors end faster and occur less often.
As you can see in the cartoon, the journey to good behavior starts with two skills you’ve already learned: the Fast-Food Rule and Toddler-ese. Echoing your child’s feelings (using the Fast-Food Rule) with short phrases, repetition, and mirroring (the essence of Toddler-ese) often ends annoying behavior fast because it acknowledges the underlying reason for the child’s misbehavior: frustration, fatigue, disappointment, boredom, etc.
What It Is: Connecting with respect means using the Fast-Food Rule +Toddler-ese Chapters (3 and 4) to show your child that you can see the world from her perspective and you really care about her feelings. Then, once she starts to settle, it’s your turn to respectfully redirect her (by offering options, distracting, giving what she wants in fantasy, etc.).
Best Used For: Any age toddler.
How to Do It: Get a little below your child’s eye level, to show respect, and use the Fast-Food Rule +Toddler-ese. If you’re not sure what to say, just use one of these easy tricks (first described on this page:)
• Be her “spokesperson”—say what you think she would if she could:
Helen was busy cooking dinner when her two-year-old, Janie, came into the kitchen, dolls in tow, wanting her mom to play. Helen sweetly told her, “Not right now, honey, Mommy is making dinner.” But Janie was persistent and kept yanking on her mother’s dress. So Helen acted like Janie’s spokesperson:
“Janie says, ‘I’m mad … mad … mad!’ She says, ‘Play with me now!’ She says, ‘I want to play dolls with Mommy!’ ”
• Be her “sportscaster”—narrate what you see:
Had she wanted to, instead of speaking Janie’s words, Helen could have chosen the sportscaster technique:
“Janie’s brought her doll to Mommy. Her face is sad and she keeps pulling and pulling on Mommy’s dress!”
Key Point: Janie’s mom does not start by saying “No!” or “Stop!” (even if it’s what she’s thinking). That would be like the fast-food order-taker blurting out, “Five dollars, drive up front” instead of first repeating the customer’s order.
Once your child starts to calm a bit, then it’s your turn.
As soon as Janie stopped pulling on her dress, Helen said, “Good stopping, honey. I know you want to play now, now, now! But I have to make dinner superfast, first. So you bring all your dolls and put them right here on your little table. Then, after dinner, we’ll have fun playing dolls together.”
Tips for What to Say After You Connect with Respect
Once your child starts to calm, it’s your turn. There are several things you can do to help her get happy again or tell her what you need her to learn.
Offer Options. Kids love to choose. So if your child is insisting on using a breakable glass you might say, “No glass! No glass, sweetheart. Let’s get one of your cool superhero cups. Which one has more supermojo, Spider-Man or Batman?”
If whining is a problem, you might say to your three-year-old, “Hillary says, ‘Mommy listen … now!’ I know you want Mommy to listen, sweetheart. So, do you want to use your big-girl voice or a baby voice? You pick. But my ears can’t listen to that yucky whining voice. It’s too yucky.”
Give your tot many chances a day to pick what she wants and she’ll give in much faster when you want her to go along with your choice.
Give Her What She Wants in Fantasy. When your tot can’t get what she wants, at least spend a minute pretending she could (see the cartoon on this page). For example, if your three-year-old is whining for a doll in a store, say, “You l-o-v-e those dolls! I wish I could give you a hundred of them. One hundred dolls would be sooo much fun! We could cover your whole bed with them! Which ones would you pick? Would you give some to your friends, too?”
This may sound like a tease, but it’s not at all. It’s a fantastic way to make your child feel heard. Remember, more than anything in the world—including those dolls—your child wants your respect, love, and caring. Your willingness to play this little game is a huge consolation prize to her: I can’t really give you what you want, but I can give it to you in fantasy. It will go a long way toward comforting her even though she doesn’t actually get the thing she craves.
Share Your Feelings with “You-I” Sentences. Once the dust settles, briefly share your feelings with a “you-I” sentence (discussed on this page). That will help boost your child’s ability to see things from your point of view. For example, frown, shake your head, and say, “When Sally throws flowers on the floor, it makes Mommy sad … sad. Mommy says, ‘No hurt the flowers!’ ”
Offer a Distraction. After using the Fast-Food Rule +Toddler-ese, acknowledging your child’s feelings, help her focus on something else.
Maisy, 18 months, toddled over to the bookcase and began flinging books off the shelf. Her dad, Bryan, said, “No! That’s not nice!” Maisy looked right at him, smiled, then knocked a few more to the floor.
Bryan was tempted to yell, “No! No!” (the way his dad used to do), but then he remembered connecting with respect. So, in excited Toddler-ese he bubbled, “You want book! Books! Books!!” Maisy paused and Bryan continued. “You want books! Books!!!” Then as she began to quiet, he said, “But noooo! Be gentle! No throw! No throw!” Then Bryan offered a little distraction. His eyes widened with excitement and he whispered, “Psst! Hey, come quick! I have a special book we can read together! It’s FUN! It has a pussycat in it! ”
Teach Values. When a three-year-old took a ball from her little sister and made her cry, her mother narrated back to the older girl her desire to take the ball, but then asked, lovingly: “Did you want to make your sister cry? Is that the kind of person you want to be?” The little girl shook her head “no.” And the mother continued, “Can you think of a way to make her happy?” The toddler returned the ball and the mom told her, “Hmmm. That was a good idea. That was exactly what she wanted to be happy!”
Use Words of Criticism as “Reverse Praise.” Praise tells your child the behavior you like. Criticism points out what you dislike, and it’s like reverse praise because it uses the same rules you learned for giving your child compliments and encouragement:
• Criticize the behavior, not the child. Say, “No picking flowers” rather than “Bad boy.”
• Teach your child the results of his behavior: “Chasing the dog makes him scared and mad, and he might bite.”
• Gossip your disapproval to a stuffed animal or to Grandma on the phone. Gossiping dramatically boosts the attention your little one pays to your criticism:
Jessica hated it when her 3-year-old shoved her 9-month-old, Camille, and then refused to apologize. It was futile trying to make Lucy say she was sorry. So instead, as soon as Lucy pushed Camille, Jessica would turn her back on Lucy and gossip to Camille (loud enough so her big sister could hear): “It makes you sad when Lucy pushes you,” Jessica said. “You say, ‘Pushing hurts! I don’t like it!’ But if Sister says she’s sorry, it will make Mommy very, very happy!”
Amazingly, Lucy began to say she was sorry. And when she did, Jessica would immediately turn to Lucy and quietly say, “Hey, nice
apology, honey. Thanks.” Then she would turn to Camille and whisper, “Camille, did you hear? Lucy said she’s sorry. Yea, Lucy! I like that.”
Finally, Jessica would toss out a tiny reward to both of them and chirp, “Hey, come on, everybody, let’s go get some lemonade!”
When little Melodie kept forgetting to put her socks in the hamper, her mom, Marta, showed her how to make the dirty socks march themselves there … and jump in.
Rick uses a “camp counselor” voice to avoid whining and delays when it’s time for his three-year-old twins, Bethany and Brittany, to prepare for bed. “Okay, all you rugrats,” he says enthusiastically, “it’s time for the thrillin’, chillin’ pajama race! Racers’ pj’s on in one minute.… Start your engines! On your marks, get set, GO! Rrrrrrrrrrrrr!”
Keep It Positive
You can often avoid power struggles with one simple trick: Tell your child what to do, rather than what not to do. For example, “Chairs are for sitting” rather than “Stop standing on the chair.” Or “Slow down, now!” versus “Don’t run!” Or “You usually keep your feet off the new sofa, but I guess today you forgot.” Correcting behavior with positive statements makes kids feel more respected.
Another way to keep it positive is to be a little playful. For the child who is dawdling when you need to rush, try whispering what you want her to do or challenge her to a race to see who can get shoes on fastest. (During the race, play the boob by repeatedly dropping your shoes, so your child can win.) A fun way to help a child who has trouble making transitions is to make a trumpet sound to announce what’s coming next.
Once you start thinking about how to get your message across effectively, you’ll probably come up with dozens more ways that will make your rules seem more like play than like orders.
Sandwich your demands between two fun activities. For example, say, “Let’s play with your trains. After that we can pick up your toys. Then it’ll be time for a snack! What yummy-licious food should we eat for snack today?”
Role-Play or Tell a Fairy Tale to Illustrate Good Behavior. The technique of planting seeds of kindness through the side door of your child’s mind can also be used to curb annoying behaviors by teaching your tot a better way to act. Here’s an example of how to use a little fairy tale to teach manners:
Once upon a time, there was a really smart piggy princess, Penelope the pig. She loved to wear pink sneakers and to eat toast with cinnamon and sugar for breakfast. But whenever she wanted something, the little piggy always whined and hurt everyone’s ears, so much that Mommy Pig had to put cotton in her ears and a big hat on her head so her ears wouldn’t hurt from the little princess’s sharp, whiny voice. [Imitate the whiny voice.]
Then one day, the little piggy’s friend, Betty the bunny, taught her how to use a quiet-as-a-bunny voice when she wanted to ask for something. She said, “Penelope, try it this way and everyone will like the way you sound!” [Imitate the nice voice.] Penelope tried it that very day when she wanted to go outdoors—and it worked. Even though Penelope still didn’t get everything she wanted every time she asked, Mommy Pig was so happy that Penelope had learned a nice bunny voice that she took her to the park and they played her favorite piggy game—rolling in the mud—and they lived happily ever after.
When Roarke, a proud little three-year-old, threw cards on the floor for the tenth time that morning, his mom, Amy, demanded, “Pick them up!” Roarke pleaded for help, but Amy refused. “You threw them. You pick them up.” Roarke begged, “No! I can’t! It’s not fair! I need help!”
Now Amy had an escalating battle on her hands. But fortunately, she knew the way out. Amy saw that Roarke had “painted himself into a corner,” so rather than confronting him with threats, she offered him a few words of understanding and a compromise: “You’re mad! You hate picking cards up by yourself. You say, ‘Please help. P-l-e-a-s-e!’ You threw them, but you want me to help. Hmmm, okay, if you pick up the first one, I’ll pick up, hmmm, how many? Two? Three? How many do you think I should pick up?”
By Roarke’s fifth birthday, Amy can expect much more responsible behavior from him. But during the toddler years, her wise goal is to respectfully validate his feelings while reminding him that he’s expected to make a few baby steps of cooperation.
The connect-with-respect approach will stop many, many irksome behaviors. But, if it’s not doing the trick, try offering a win-win compromise. (Of course, if your tot’s actions or attitude are totally bugging you, you can immediately administer a mild consequence; see this page.)
The Ancient Art of Saving Face
Have you ever heard the term “saving face”? Here “face” means “self-respect.” Saving face means allowing someone to keep his dignity, even when he doesn’t get his way.
Ambassadors know that shaming and disrespect are so tough to take that they can even trigger a war! That’s why master diplomats always help their opponents save face. They know that allowing dignity in defeat is important because it builds forgiveness and friendship.
Saving face is important to all of us, but it is superimportant to primitive peoples like our upset toddlers!
Yellow-Light Skill #2: Make Your Limits Clear and Consistent
Your first job as a parent is to give your child love, food, and shelter. But the instant she starts toddling, a new task falls on your shoulders: limit setting.
Limits teach toddlers the difference between right and wrong, politeness and rudeness, safety and danger, and so on. In essence, they’re the walls that you will use to guide your toddler down the path of life. You may be a parent who sets up strict limits (like very close walls) or loose limits (like walls that are far apart). But once you set the rules, don’t expect your tot to immediately obey all of them. While your job is to set limits, your little friend’s job is to push the walls (your limits) to see if you really mean them.
If you’re consistent, your tot will soon give up and go along with your demands. But mushy limits often backfire and make kids defy us even more. They push until the “wall” topples over (in other words, we give in) or until the “wall” stops moving (we hold firm).
Setting clear limits is superimportant. You must raise your children with humility and kindness, but you also need courage and resolve. Your family is not a democracy! Start each new day with love, but don’t cave in on important limits. When push comes to shove (and shove to bite), you must respectfully use your power to keep order.
Here are four tips for effective limit setting:
1. Be reasonable. Unrealistic expectations are a recipe for frustration. Remember, toddlers have limited impulse control, so remove dangers and temptations (like fragile items) and make your home fit your child, rather than vice versa.
2. Set limits with a KISS (Keep it short and simple!). Long sentences (“Debbie, come here, please. It’s time to put your crayons away. I don’t want to have to ask you again. Please don’t make me nag.”) are too tough for your toddler’s immature left brain. Simple statements work better (“Crayons stay in the den.”).
3. Be consistent. Consistency helps kids learn a clear sense of right and wrong. Of course, no one is 100 percent consistent. There will be times when you forget or get too busy to enforce a limit. Also, there will be times when your child is whinier than usual (because of being over-hungry, tired, sick, or having a tough day), and you will choose to bend the rules. But when you do break your own rules you should clearly state that you’re making a temporary exception. (“You know the rule, we only eat in the kitchen. But today is special … it’s Daddy’s birthday! So let’s have a picnic in the living room. It will be fun, but we can only eat on the blanket.”)
4. Avoid mixed messages. Speaking too sweetly or smiling while you set a limit confuses kids. It unintentionally gives a green light to your toddler’s annoying acts. If you want your child to know you mean business, crouch down (staying just a bit above your child’s eye level) and give your message with a deep voice and a serious face.
Pick Limits You Can Enforce
Some limits are hard to enforce. For example, it may be impossible to make a child eat broccoli, poop on the potty, or overcome fears. Picking battles you can’t win may challenge your child to be more rebellious (“You can’t make me!”). So when you sense you’re getting into a struggle that you can’t win, it’s time to switch from giving warnings to using some good old charm, compromise, and ingenuity (discussed later in the chapter).
In truth, a bit of defiance is not so bad! Most parents want their kids to learn that being tenacious in their beliefs and skilled in their ability to persuade others is a good thing.
Yellow-Light Skill #3: Forging Win-Win Compromises 
Turning a won’t-won’t into a win-win.
We’re often told we should force our kids to obey. Sure, you are bigger and stronger, but trying to crush your child’s acts of defiance can backfire, stunting her confidence or triggering her desire for revenge. Please remember, parental bullying is not a win-win—it’s a lose-lose. Your child loses dignity and you hurt your relationship.
Your ultimate goal as a parent is not to win any one particular fight or another, but rather to win your child’s love and respect for a lifetime. That’s why, even when you disagree with her, it’s best to acknowledge your tot’s desire and then try to find a way you both can win!
In fact, even toddlers know that fairness is a two-way street: You want this? Then give me that! That’s why little kids love win-win deals.
Sound hard? Actually, it’s pretty easy … and fun!
Baby Steps—Finding a Good Compromise … One Step at a Time
Toddlers have trouble with giant leaps, but they’re great at baby steps.
If you get into fights over tooth brushing, for example, you’ll be much more successful if you break your goal into some smaller baby steps. For example, consider it a tiny success when your child lets you touch the toothbrush to his lips or teeth. Cheer, “Yea! All done. Gimme five! Let’s go read some fun books!” Promptly reward this mini-cooperation with a quick dollop of fun. (I know you can’t do a good cleaning in a second, but that’s okay. It’s a good baby step of progress.)
Over a few days, gradually increase the time you are touching to a fast count of three, and within days you’ll be able to brush the teeth for a few seconds. Your next baby step is to increase the brushing to several seconds. Always end with a cheer and a little reward of fun (“feeding the meter”).
But what if your toddler won’t let you get a brush anywhere near his mouth? Don’t fight! This is not a battle you can win. Instead, take even smaller baby steps and connect with respect. Aim for his “sweet spot” so he knows you really get his message: “No mouth … no mouth!” And throw in some playing the boob. “Okay, you win! You always win! No more brush. Let’s get pj’s on. Oh, wait! I forgot. I have to brush your knee really fast. Let’s count: One, two! All done! Uh-oh … silly Mommy, I forgot. I have to brush your foot superfast too.” (Throw in some extra boob fun by searching around for his foot in his pockets, asking, “Hey, where’s your foot? Pleeease, help me find your foot!”) Then, when you’re finished, cheer, “Yea! All done! Let’s read a book.”
Now—this is important—practice this a few times every day, adding new baby steps little by little. “Okay, now the other knee. Now we brush this arm. Oh yeah, and that arm. And fingers. Now your thumb. Where’s your thumb? Other thumb. Ear. Other ear.” Briefly touch the brush to each place. Then say, “Yea! All done! Gimme a hard five!” And play the boob by howling and hopping in pretend pain when he does it. Within a week or two, you’ll be doing some top-notch tooth brushing!
Win-win compromise is one of the top tools in this book. You’ll use it again and again during the toddler years—and beyond.
All over the world, people hash out agreements by hard bargaining. Haggling over a price feels foreign to many Americans—we like straight talk—but toddlers love to negotiate. (Many of them could bargain the pants off a used-car salesman!) They are naturally good at bargaining tactics like begging (“Please? P-l-e-a-s-e!!!!”), exaggeration (“You never let me!”), pouty protests (“You’re not fair!”), and noticing inconsistency (“But you let her do it!”).
And they use these tools of persuasion to get what they want … every single day.
Whoa, you might be thinking, doesn’t compromising mean caving in or spoiling my child? Shouldn’t I demand obedience?
Of course, always giving in could spoil a child. But demanding obedience—“Because I say so!”—actually ends up teaching kids bad lessons (what you think is unimportant and might makes right). On the other hand, finding reasonable compromises teaches kids to be more fair and flexible.
Remember, you’re strong and smart and your toddler is weak, short, slow, and can’t speak very well. So he feels like he is losing over and over and over again. Win-win compromises will teach him that both you and he can be winners, that people who love each other can each give in a bit and still be strong.
If you want your child to grow up fair-minded and respectful, the best way to teach him is by your example.
What It Is: Finding a win-win compromise is a big part of the ancient art of negotiating: “I’ll trade you one of these for two of those.” It shows fairness, respect, and good listening. Most kids do this automatically, from a one-year-old trading kisses to a teenager negotiating for a bigger allowance.
Win-win compromises give kids practice at being fair and teach them that solutions can be found that allow both parties to give in a little without losing dignity.
Some parents ask, “Why should I compromise? I give my child plenty! She isn’t running the show! ” You’re correct to expect your child to be more grateful by five or six. But younger children have not yet mastered the fine points of civilization, like appreciating someone’s generosity … especially when they’re upset. (Even many adults have trouble with that!)
Best Used For: Toddlers age two and up.
The 90-10 Compromise: Your Toddler’s Idea of What’s Fair
We all want to be treated fairly … especially toddlers! They can deal with frustrations and demands much better when they feel like they’re getting a fair deal. (On the other hand, unfair treatment can make resentment harden into bitter memories and ruin relationships.)
But who’s to say what is fair?
Most grown-ups consider a 50-50 compromise to be pretty fair: half for you, half for me. But that’s not the way your toddler sees things. His idea of a reasonable compromise is probably around 90-10. (You get a tiny piece and he gets the 90 percent!)
Now, this may sound unfair to you, but take a moment to see things through your little friend’s eyes and you’ll see that for him an even split feels terrible. That’s because toddlers tend to focus on what they don’t get. (Hey, I want that, too!) Their primitive, cave-kid minds are kind of greedy and have trouble sharing.
Clever parents know that if they let their tot win many “small” struggles (things they really don’t care about), their kids give in more easily on the issues they do care about.
Of course, there are some situations where you will not be able to compromise—situations that involve danger, aggression, or important family rules. But you’ll have fun using the win-win approach for the dozens of situations each day when you can compromise.
At first your compromises will be 90-10 in your toddler’s favor. But, once you’ve used this system for a while, you’ll gradually teach him that sometimes he has to give in more. As he grows older, you’ll get him to make 70-30 deals … and eventually even 50-50 compromises.
How to Do It: The win-win technique can be boiled down to three easy steps:
Step 1. Connect with respect. Use the FFR +Toddler-ese to acknowledge what your child wants.
Step 2. Make a “crummy” offer. Offer a 90-10 compromise (where you get 90 percent and your child gets only 10 percent of what she wants).
You offer a “bad deal” so your tot can immediately reject it. Sound odd? It’s actually one of the oldest bargaining tricks in the world! You make an offer you’re prepared to allow her to reject so that she can feel like a tough negotiator, like she’s driving a hard bargain.
Step 3. “Reluctantly” give in. When she refuses, come back with an offer that gives her most of what she wants … she gets 90 percent and you get 10 percent.
Act like she’s the toughest negotiator you’ve ever seen. Pretend to be a bit reluctant to agree (“Okay … okay … it’s not fair, but I guess you win.”). This makes your child feel like a winner—like she’s getting the best deal possible. (Ham it up a little!)
Imagine you want your child, Sam, to eat ten peas and he refuses, demanding instead his favorite crackers. Here’s how you might put the 90-10 compromise idea into action:
Step 1. Connect with respect: “Sammy says, ‘No, no! No peas!’ Sammy says ‘no peas!’ Sammy wants crackers!”
Step 2. Make a “crummy” offer: Remove two peas from the plate but keep eight in front of him and say, “Okay, okay. You win! You can have crackers, but first you have to eat this many peas. Okay? Come on, eat them up!”
Sammy turns up his nose saying, “No!”
Step 3. Now give in 90 percent … and seem defeated: Pout and wave your hands (as if to indicate I give up). Then say, “Okay! Sammy wins! Sammy wins! I never win! You win a hundred times! You say, ‘No peas!’ Okay! Here are your crackers….” But a second after showing him the crackers, take them back and say, “Uh-oh! I forgot. First, eat just one teeny, tiny, baby pea … then, you get a bunch of crackers! ”
All good negotiators know when to talk … and when to walk. If your toddler totally refuses your best offer, turn your back and ignore him for a minute before trying again.
For example, if Sammy totally refuses to eat any peas (or even to touch one!), acknowledge his refusal but then have him leave the table so that he doesn’t get to eat the food he does want. This puts a pause on the negotiations—so you can save face—and helps him see that stubbornness won’t get him what he wants.
“You say no peas! Not even one! That makes Mommy sad, but okay … you win. So no crackers for now and you go play; I’ll check on you in a little bit. Bye-bye.”
Speed your child’s learning by giving many opportunities to compromise. For example, offer peas a few days in a row, even during lunch. Most kids will eventually accept a 90-10 deal. And, gradually, life will get easier as your tot starts to like making “win-win” deals with you.
This may seem like a big effort, but all your extra work now will soon lead to you having a happier—and fairer—child.
Jack, age three, hated shoes and socks but loved sandals. That was okay with his mom, Shaya, on most days, but this day it was raining badly. After his mom’s Toddler-ese failed to persuade him to put on shoes, Shaya offered a “crummy” 50-50 compromise: “Wear the shoes now, and you can have the sandals after school.” Jack flat-out refused: “No way!”
Then Shaya sat on the floor and pretended Jack was just too tough a bargainer for her. “Okay! You win! You win! You always win!” Then she offered another deal: Jack could either wear one shoe and one sandal now and put the other shoe on at school, or he could wear sandals to the car and put shoes on when the car arrived at the school. He accepted the latter and Shaya made a little pen check on his hand for being so helpful.
I find 90-10 compromises are a big help when I’m examining unhappy toddlers. For example, I start by “losing” several times in a row. With the child on his mom’s lap and me kneeling just below eye level (to be a little less threatening), I beg for something he has: Putting my hand out, I plead, “Please, can I have your shoe? P-l-e-a-s-e?”
When he refuses, I continue playing the boob by sounding even more pitiful. “Okay, but can I have your teddy? Please? Pleeeease?” When he refuses again I say, “Okay! You win. You always win me. But what about your shirt? I really, really need it! Can I have your shirt? Pleeeeease?”
I usually ask for several things in succession, sulking and pouting with each rejection (“You win, you always win!”). By then, even the most reluctant child feels like a winner: safe, strong, and triumphant! (And besides, they think it’s kind of funny.)
Next, I ignore the child for a minute while I talk to the parent. By this time, the child knows he’s “beaten me” so many times that it’s only fair to let me win a tiny bit! After a few minutes, I turn back to the child and ask for something very simple: “Can I listen to your shoe?” Most kids don’t resist this. Then, I immediately reward the cooperation by letting him hold one of my little toys.
Put Annoying Behavior “On Hold” … with Patience-Stretching
I love persistent kids. But, if your tenacious tyke runs over your rules like a steamroller, try this little twist on patience-stretching to put her annoying behavior on hold:
First, practice patience-stretching (this page) several times to teach your toddler that when you hold up a finger and say, “Wait! Wait!” she has to be patient.
Now you are ready to use this great technique to discourage her pestering. For example, your child is nagging you to let her play with her ball, but you don’t want her to play with it inside the house:
1. Connect with respect: Use the FFR +Toddler-ese to acknowledge her feelings.
“You want! You want the ball! You say, ‘Mine! Mine!! Give it to me!’ You really, really want it!”
2. Next, almost give her what she wants … but then stop and turn away: Reach for the ball, but then suddenly act like you need to do something important. Then ignore her for five seconds as you pretend to do something else.
“Sure, honey. I’ll get it. But, uh-oh! Wait! Wait! One second, one second!”
3. Now, turn back and again begin to get the ball, but suddenly stop and tell her you remembered you “can’t” give it to her … but you can offer a good compromise. It sounds like this:
“Good waiting, sweetheart, here’s the ball.” Then, suddenly look surprised and exclaim, “But … wait! Wait! I almost forgot, no balls in the house … noooo balls. I’m so sorry, honey, but you know the rule. We can play with the ball outside or we can play with your dolls inside. Which one would you like?”
With an older toddler, you might use a timer:
For five miserable minutes, three-and-a-half-year-old Jackson nagged his dad to play. Craig resisted because he was making dinner. Then he remembered the tip of putting whining “on hold”: “Okay, you win. You win. I’ll play a tiny bit,” he said. But just as Craig started to leave the stove, he put up one finger and announced, “Wait! Wait!!” as if he suddenly remembered something.
He reached for the timer, set it for twenty seconds, and said, “I’m sooo sorry, Jackster! I forgot … I have to do one more thing. Mr. Dinger will ding really soon and then we can play and have fun!”
Jackson paused his rant and waited quietly. The instant the timer went off, Craig clapped and said, “Good waiting. Now tell me what you want.”
“Play with me,” Jackson said in a calmer tone, holding two cars in his hand.
Craig chirped, “Sure, buddy.” He sat down with his son, but a few seconds after starting to play Craig suddenly stopped, saying, “Oh, wait! Wait! Oh, silly Daddy, I almost forgot I have to make the salad. Just one more minute.” And he got up and set the timer again.
Craig briefly worked on the salad until the dinger rang again, then stopped to offer a compromise: “Good waiting. We can play for one little minute right now, or we can play for five big minutes later if you wait nicely while Daddy makes salad.”
Just like the parents in the cartoon on this page, this long way around will require some extra effort from you, but you’ll find that over time, it will keep you from falling off the cliff into endless conflicts and fights.
Reverse Psychology: Get Your Child to Do Something … by Telling Her Not to Do It
From 18 months on, our little cave-kids love to defy us. It makes them feel powerful and independent. Reverse psychology is a playful way to take advantage of this natural tendency to rebel by telling your toddler she can’t (or shouldn’t) do something that you really want her to do. Then she can defy your “order” and still end up doing exactly what you wanted her to do in the first place.… Everybody wins!
For example, if your three-year-old hates kissing you, surprise her by ordering her not to kiss you. (Ham it up a little.… Don’t sound serious.) Cover your face with your hands and say in a pretend-begging voice, “Pleeeease don’t kiss me! No, no! Don’t do it!” Then as she “defies you” to give you kisses, act unable to push her away, and complain, “Bleah … bleah. Yucky!” as she gleefully plants hugs and kisses all over you.
Reverse psychology doesn’t teach kids to be disobedient. It’s really just another way of playing the boob. Toddlers know it’s a game, that’s why they love it. They get to be their own boss, defy you a bit, and still end up cooperating. It’s great!
Finally I ask him if I can to listen to his stomach, his knee (for another little joke), and then his heart.
The idea of negotiating with your toddler may seem odd, and of course you can’t compromise on some issues (running into the street, slapping a friend, etc.). But you’ll be amazed how often negotiating can smooth over the myriad minor troubles that arise in a day. And by the time your tot is a teen (and a truly wily opponent), you’ll be a world-class expert on negotiations and finding respectful win-win compromises!
Communicating with respect, setting limits, and finding win-win compromises can stop many annoying behaviors. But if you’ve done your best and your child is still defying you, it’s time for you to use the next tool: mild consequences.
Yellow-Light Skill #4: Mild Consequences 
How to deliver clear warnings … and mild penalties.
If all else fails and your child’s yellow-light behaviors are just not stopping, it may be time for a mild consequence. Here are the two that I use the most: clap-growl warnings and kind ignoring.
Clap-Growl Warnings: Get Your Child’s Attention Fast
If your toddler continues the annoying behavior even after you respectfully acknowledge her and offer an option or compromise, try clap-growl. Even a one-year-old will get the message that you’re out of patience and a real penalty is coming if she doesn’t stop … fast.
For example, if your two-year-old threatens to dump spaghetti on her head, what do you think would stop her faster: saying “No” with a big grin on your face, or frowning, clapping your hands hard, and growling, “Nooooo!”?
What It Is: All kids (even uncivilized tots) understand that a few hard claps and a low grrrrrrrrrowl mean “Stop … now … or you won’t like what happens next!” (Bonus: A few hard claps also help us vent a bit of anger, without resorting to spanking or yelling.)
I admit this sounds, well, undignified. But as you know by now, kids who are upset rely on their right brain, which is not good at words but is great at understanding non-verbal communication, including voice, facial expressions, and gestures. Clap-growl warnings can quickly connect with upset toddlers and often stop annoying behaviors in seconds!
Best Used For: All toddlers, starting at 9 months.
How to Do It:
Step 1: Clap. Clap your hands three to four times, hard and fast. (It’s meant to be a little startling.) As you clap, you can stand or kneel, but you must remain a bit above your child’s eye level (to emphasize your authority).
Step 2: Growl. Put a scowl on your face and make a deep, rumbling growl. If it works and your child stops quickly, immediately do a little FFR +Toddler-ese, and then feed the meter a bit (with hugging, attention, play, or playing the boob) to show you appreciate your little one’s cooperation.
Warning: The first time you growl, your child may smile or even growl back! Don’t worry. That may mean your growl was too sweet (she thinks it’s a game) or she wants you to smile … so you won’t be mad. Simply answer her growl with a couple of double takes (see box below) and then growl again.
“Benjamin knows I’m serious when I growl,” says Claudia. “I start out with ‘Gentle, gentle’ or ‘Use your words.’ But if that doesn’t work I rumble out a growl and it works immediately. He knows I’m done putting up with his behavior. I feel like a mama bear teaching her cub. In fact, now when he’s mad he growls instead of biting.”
Do a Double Take to Show You’re Serious
What It Is: A double take is a neat little trick that emphasizes to your child that you’re not kidding around.
How to Do It: After a few seconds of clap-growling, raise a finger (as if to indicate “Wait a second”) and look away for two seconds, keeping your finger up the whole time. Then, look back, growl, scowl, and repeat your message. (“No! Stop now!”)
I recommend adding a double take to your growl if:
• Your child ignores your clap-growl.
• You and your child are stuck glaring at each other (long glaring often backfires and pushes kids to be more defiant).
• You want to emphasize your frustration and underscore that you are the boss.
A double take can also help if you accidentally smile while growling (even misbehaving toddlers can look so cute!). Bite your lip, hold up a warning finger, and look away for a moment—to regain your composure—then turn back and say in a serious voice, “I’m not happy! I say, No! No putting jelly in your hair.”
I often use clap-growl with young children who ignore my kind requests to stop. I clap my hands hard and g-r-o-w-l a warning deep in my throat. That usually stops them fast … the way we immediately slow down when a police car’s light flashes in our rearview mirror!
As your child matures, you’ll growl less. But you’ll probably continue clapping and/or using a silent cue like a frown, raised eyebrow, or straight index finger as a warning that your patience is up.
“When my mom got angry with me, she would glare, raise her right eyebrow, and then hold up a warning finger. I quickly learned to stop—pronto—or else I wasn’t going to like what came next.”
—Hillary about her mother, Mary,
who raised seven kids
When 18-month-old Aaron was about to whack his pal Tomas over a disputed toy, Aaron’s mom, Joy, frowned, stomped her foot, shook her head, and growled. Then she waved her hands as if to indicate “The deal’s off! ” and gruffly said, “Mad! Mad!!!! Aaron mad!! Aaron says, ‘No, Tomas! No truck!’ Aaron mad … mad!!”
In an instant, Aaron lowered his hand. Joy said, “No hit. Good boy! Come on, kids … let’s get some juice!” Later in the day, when tempers cooled, Joy “gossiped” about the incident to Aaron’s teddy: “Mr. Teddy, I said, ‘No hit, no hit!’ And Aaron stopped fast. Aaron was a very good listener! ”
When your child heeds your warning, reward him right away with a smidge of attention, praise, or play. This teaches him, You be good to me and I’ll be good to you. However, if his annoying behavior continues, it’s time for a slightly stronger consequence (kind ignoring).
Kind Ignoring: Give Your Tot a Little Cold Shoulder
When your child is scared or hurt, you should do everything you can to soothe her. But there are two situations where your attention actually prolongs upsets:
• With a child whose tears keep flowing because she’s in front of an audience—the drama queen scenario.
• With superstubborn kids who are so proud that they’re forced to continue their protests as long as you are watching them.
In both of these situations, you need to remove the “spotlight” (your attention) and do some kind ignoring.
What It Is: Kind ignoring is giving your child a teensy cold shoulder to nudge her back to cooperation.
Now, when I say “ignore” I don’t mean you should be rude or cruel or turn your back on really bad behavior. This type of ignoring also shouldn’t be done when your child is frightened, hurt, or genuinely sad. But when you feel your child is being unreasonable and stubborn, a little kind ignoring can be perfect.
Best Used For: Toddlers of any age.
Sadie, 15 months old, found a fun thing her voice could do: screech! She blasted her new sound whenever she wanted attention. “At first we rushed right over,” explained her dad, Bill. “But we soon realized that Sadie had learned to do this for any little frustration.” I suggested to Bill that rather than hurrying over, he try kind ignoring.
The next day, when Sadie screeched to get a book, Bill narrated her strong feelings by jabbing the air with his finger, pointing to the book, and exclaiming, “You want book! Sadie wants book, now! But no screech! Ouch! Ouch! (He covered his ears with his hands and shook his head.) Indoors voice, please!”
When Sadie continued screeching, Bill frowned and continued, “You want book. Book, book, book! But … ouch! Ouch! That hurts my ears! You find your nice voice … and I’ll be right back.”
Bill turned his back briefly, pretending to be busy. “It was amazing,” he reported later. “After ten seconds of shrieking even louder, she just stopped and said nicely, ‘Book … book!’ And I immediately got the book and sat down with her to reward her for using her indoors voice.”
How It’s Done: Kind ignoring has three steps. You should expect that it will take a little practice for you to get the hang of it … and for your tot to realize that whining doesn’t work anymore.
Step 1: Connect with respect. Narrate her actions and feelings like a sportscaster (don’t forget to aim for her sweet spot). “You’re sad … sad … sad! Your face is sad and you’re mad! You want to jump on the table, but Daddy said, ‘No, no, no!’ So now you’re on the floor crying.”
Step 2: Lovingly turn away. If your tot continues whining, withdraw your attention with kindness. “You’re crying and mad! Daddy loves you so much, you go ahead and cry and I’ll be right back!” Then walk to the other side of the room or sit right by your child, but pretend not to look at her.
Now act busy for twenty seconds (not so much to make her panic but enough to make your point).
Key point: As soon as your child stops the annoyance, promptly return, lovingly echo her feelings again, and then offer your message of reassurance, explanation, etc. Finally, feed the meter (hug, give attention, play, or play the boob) for a minute to reward her cooperation.
Step 3: Return … and try again. If your child continues the yellow-light behavior, return when the twenty seconds are up and repeat steps 1 and 2 a few times until your uncivilized friend starts to calm down.
If your child is particularly stubborn, her crying may persist despite several attempts at kind ignoring. In that case, turn your back for a longer time—a minute or two—until she quiets. Once she calms, return and try to engage her in some play. (Don’t be surprised if she resists at first. She may need to ignore you for a few minutes to save her pride.)
If the misbehavior persists, or escalates, despite kind ignoring, you are now in a red-light situation. This requires a stronger “take-charge” consequence, like time-out, described in the next chapter.
Other behaviors that warrant a “take-charge” consequence include any actions that are dangerous or aggressive or that break an important family rule. I discuss all of these situations and how to deal with them in the next chapter.
Warning: When you first try kind ignoring the pestering may temporarily get worse before it gets better. Psychologists call this an extinction burst. Your child thinks, Hmmm … whining always worked before. Maybe Mom just didn’t hear me. I better follow her into the next room and yell louder so she hears me! But stick with it and you’ll soon see big improvements.