“A child is fed with milk and praise.”
—Charles and Mary Lamb, Poetry for Children, 1809
Main Points:
The best way to help your toddler behave better is to flash a green light of encouragement every time you see him being good. Here are five enjoyable ways to do this:
• Time-ins: Boost cooperation with bits of fun (includes attention, praise, gossip, rewards, hand checks, star charts, play).
• Build confidence: Respect—plus some silliness—makes kids feel like winners (includes giving options and playing the boob).
• Teach patience: Give your child two surefire ways to build self-control (includes patience-stretching and magic breathing).
• Create daily routines: Simple routines help kids feel smart and secure (includes bedtime sweet talk, special time, loveys, and pacifiers).
• Plant seeds of kindness: Teach manners and character through the “side door” of your child’s mind (includes fairy tales and role-play).
Parents often think that if their tot has several calm days in a row, the era of outbursts must be over. (“I know she can be cooperative.… She did it yesterday.”) Not so fast! Although your toddler’s desire to be good does grow as she grows, Bamm-Bamm doesn’t turn into Bambi overnight. You’ll be teaching your child the niceties of civilization for years to come. Part of the secret of helping your child become happier, better behaved, and more fun to be with is figuring out how to encourage her good (green-light) behaviors.
How to Raise a Toddler You Love to Be With
By the 1920s, Andrew Carnegie was one of the richest men in the world. When asked his secret of success, he said life was like a gold mine: Ignore the dirt … focus on the gold and keep every scrap you find. Soon, you’ll have pockets full of treasure.
Success with a toddler is also like mining gold. If you worry less about the “dirt” (punishing his bad behavior) and focus more on the “gold” (all his good acts), you’ll soon find you’ve raised a child who shares, cares, and treats people with respect.
You’ll notice that this is the longest chapter in the book. That’s because there are so many effective techniques for boosting desirable behavior. And the more time you spend encouraging the good, the less time you’ll have to spend dealing with the bad.
Feeding the Meter Gives the Green Light to Good Behavior 
You are the rock star in your child’s life. And because she loves spending time with you so much, you’ll find that giving her many short periods of focused attention throughout the day will soon dramatically boost her good behavior. I call this feeding the meter.
Your Toddler Wants to Be Good—Really!
Some days it’s hard to see your tot’s sweetness under all the grunting and pushing. But around 15 months, your toddler will develop some great new traits that “stack the deck” in your favor:
• Developing a more mature brain. Between 18 and 36 months, your child’s reasonable, sentence-speaking, impulse-controlling left brain will start to kick into gear. Increasingly, the blessed trait of patience will appear and his behavior will improve from take and take … to taking turns!
• Wanting to imitate you. You are supersmart and cool in your toddler’s eyes. That’s why your 18-month-old loves to watch and imitate everything you do, from sweeping the floor to showing kindness. (Be careful, they imitate swearing, too!)
• Caring how others feel. Your toddler’s desire to hug an upset friend is a big growth step from self-centered baby to caring child. He now wants to do the “right thing” to please you. And his new love of pets, dollies, and friends will eventually grow into true compassion.
Sara was crying because of bad news she’d just gotten on the phone. When her two-year-old, Max, saw her sadness, he offered Sara his teddy bear and patted her back. Sara was amazed.
• Liking order (even rules). Your tot may be a wild child, but now he’s a wild child with a plan! For example, around 18 months, kids start to enjoy putting all the cars in one pile and the horses in another. Unfortunately, this love of order can also get quite rigid. At this age, some kids scream if they’re given a cracker with a broken corner, and they often insist on reading the same books—in the same order—every single time.
Here’s where the name comes from: “Feed” a parking meter with a coin every thirty minutes and you’ll never get a ticket! Likewise, when you “feed” toddlers dozens of little bits of fun and attention all day long, you’ll rarely have to deal with bad behavior. They just automatically behave better.
After dinner, Mary used to spend 40 minutes cleaning the kitchen before playing with her two-year-old, Ethan. But he started to get more and more cranky waiting for his playtime. Mary solved the problem with a flash of genius! How? By “feeding his meter”! She stopped her chores after just 20 minutes, before he got upset, played with him for five, then finished the dishes and spent another 15 minutes of cuddly fun with her son before bed.
Feeding the meter flashes a big green light to a child, saying, I like what you’re doing.… Keep it up! And the more you encourage cooperation, the more you get.
Green-Light Skill #1: Time-Ins 
Boost cooperation with bits of attention, praise, and play.
I’m sure you’ve heard of time-out (where a misbehaving child is made to sit alone). Well, time-in is just the opposite. It’s when a well-behaving child is given tiny bits of play and encouragement. Experienced parents and teachers know that a steady stream of time-ins is a much more effective way of raising a happy, cooperative child than a steady stream of time-outs!
There are many types of time-ins. I’d like to talk to you about three of my favorites:
• attention
• praise
• play
Time-Ins: Attention
When we think of encouraging good behavior, we naturally think of praise. Praise is great, and I’ll discuss it in just a minute. But even more important is just paying a little attention!
What It Is: Showing your child you’re interested in what he’s doing makes him feel great. (Remember, you’re his rock star! How would you feel if your idol watched you do something with genuine interest?)
Best Used For: All toddlers, all day long!
How to Do It: Think in terms of bite-size bits. (You don’t have to stay glued to your toddler’s side 24/7.) Here are ten easy ways to feed the meter with just a look, a touch, or a few words:
• Sit with her and quietly watch … with interest.
• Wink.
• Smile.
• Raise your eyebrows and nod your head in pleasant surprise.
• Give a thumbs-up sign.
• Give a hug.
• Tousle her hair or touch her back.
• Shake hands or give a high five.
• While watching him, say, “Hmmm” … “Uh-huh” … “Wow.”
• Briefly describe what she is doing.
Massage (A Very Special Type of Attention)
Lavish your toddler with loving touch! Touch is a rich “food” for growth. Your toddler could easily live without milk, but he’d be scarred for life without loving touch. (I agree with the noted psychologist Virginia Satir, who said we all need four hugs a day for survival, eight to stay calm, and twelve to grow stronger.)
“When Abigail was one month old, we began using massage to calm her fussies. Soon she became happy as soon as she heard me rubbing the massage oil into my hands!
“We’ve massaged her almost every day since then. Now at 18 months, she says, ‘Rub, rub!’ after her bath. It’s our special time. Best of all, a little massage helps even the wildest days end on a loving note.”
The skin is the body’s largest body organ, and it’s deliciously sensitive. So a nightly massage is a precious gift to your child. It soothes muscles, boosts immunity, prepares for sleep, and teaches gentleness and intimacy. (And, as an extra bonus, giving a massage automatically lowers your stress, anxiety, and depression.)
Massage is not just a mechanical act. It’s an exchange of love. Cherish this time. It will become a treasured memory for you both.
Build Your Child’s Brain … Through Massage
A study at McGill University in Montreal showed an unexpected benefit from massage: higher intelligence. The researchers looked at two groups of baby rats. Half had “touchy” mothers, who stroked them a lot, and half had “reserved” moms, who gave little touch affection.
As the rats grew, the cuddled animals were found to be extra smart. This was because the learning center of their brains—which is very similar to the child’s learning center—had formed healthier, richer connections.
The moral of the story: Cuddling not only feels good and lowers stress—it may even boost your child’s IQ!
Example:
“Hmmm, you’re pushing the truck! Bang! Right into the teddy bear.” (You can even add a dash of praise: “You’re good at playing with trucks!”) Then go about your business for a little bit while he happily continues to play.
Sprinkling praise throughout the day is a great way to boost green-light behaviors. But praise can backfire if it’s done incorrectly. Here’s how to make your praise really count:
• Give a “balanced diet” of praise. Think of praise as a yummy casserole you feed to your child: lots of plain noodles (calm attention) and a big cup of tasty sauce (mild praise and encouragement) topped with a sprinkle of tangy cheese (cheers and celebration).
Kids need a balanced diet of praise, because parents who always hype it up (“You’re the best boy in the world!”) may end up with toddlers who either mistrust praise or need constant applause to feel a sense of self-worth.
• Praise the action you want to encourage … not the child. When you help with the dishes, would you rather hear “Thanks for scrubbing the pots, that was really helpful” or “You’re my best helper ever!”?
I recommend the first because, “You’re my best helper” may be true one day but false the next (when your child refuses to help). On the other hand, “Scrubbing the pots really helped” is 100 percent true and it highlights exactly the behavior you want.
• Praise good tries. Cheer your child on when he tries, even if he doesn’t quite succeed (“Good try pouring the milk!”). You’ll see steady progress, and he will feel like a success every step of the way.
• Don’t give praise … then yank it back. “Good. You picked up your toys. Now, why did I have to nag you to do it?” Ugh! Psychologists call this “praise spoiling,” and we all hate it. It’s like getting a gift, then having it yanked right back. It teaches kids to never trust a compliment.
Gossip is one of my favorite ways to green-light good behavior.
What It Is: Gossip means saying things out loud near your child, so he overhears. It works so well because all of us (kids and adults) are more likely to believe something if we overhear it than if it’s told directly to us. Gossip makes your praise five times more effective. (And it makes your words of criticism have five times more impact too.)
For example, if a friend says, “You look beautiful,” you might just brush it off as a polite remark. But if you accidentally overhear her saying this to someone else, you’ll probably grin and take it to your heart. (After all, you overheard it, so it wasn’t said to “butter you up.”)
Not only do we tend to believe things we overhear, but when those comments are whispered—like a secret—we believe them even more.
Best Used For: Toddlers once they have reached the age of 15 to 18 months. That’s when they begin to understand that people whisper when they’re saying something extra important.
How to Do It: Let your child overhear you praise him … in a loud whisper.
One day Louise brought her three-year-old to me for a sore throat. Rather than battling Turner to open his mouth, I used gossip. Leaning toward Louise, I loudly whispered, “I really like it when Turner opens his mouth and shows me his big lion teeth.”
As I spoke, I cupped my hand next to my mouth, like I was telling a secret (I kept my fingers spread a bit to let him see my open mouth, so he knew what I wanted him to do). A few seconds later, when I switched on my light, Turner immediately opened wide … like magic!
Gossiping
• With your toddler nearby, whisper some praise about her to someone else. You can whisper it to anybody—even a doll, or someone you pretend to be talking to on the phone. Don’t wink or look at your child when you do this. Gossiping only works when he thinks you don’t want to be overheard.
Cup your hand alongside your mouth and, in a loud whisper, say to the birdies outside, “Psst … hey, Mr. Birdie! Lauren ate all her peas! Yeah … every one!” Then turn back to your child like nothing happened and give her a little understated praise. “Good eating, Lauren!” Even if your tot doesn’t understand all your words, your admiring tone of voice will make her feel valued!
• If your child leans in to listen, whisper more quietly … like you’re telling a juicy secret. For an older toddler, mumble some of the words so he can’t hear them all. This really makes it seem like you don’t want to be overheard. If he gleefully exclaims, “I hear you!” just say, “Oh, it’s nothing. I’m just talking to Mr. Birdie.”
• Later on, repeat the same compliment to someone else. Your child will be pleased and think, Wow, this must be true, because I’m hearing it a lot lately.
Time-Ins: Little Rewards
Small gifts can grease the wheels of cooperation. Some critics disapprove of giving kids “rewards.” They say, “Children should obey simply out of respect.” Nice idea, but expecting toddlers to cooperate purely out of respect is like expecting patience from a baby. It’s not going to happen.
What It Is: Little rewards (incentives) are small gifts we give to acknowledge when a child does something we like. Rewards are not the same as bribery. Bribery is done to discourage bad behavior … incentives encourage good. Of course, you are your child’s number one reward. His favorite gift will be a little roughhousing, an insect hunt, playing tag, or story time. But occasional small incentives like stickers, poker chips, hand stamps, or a bit of candy can have a magical effect.
Wait! Did he just say “candy”?
Sweets used wisely—and infrequently—are a powerful reward for toddlers. But please don’t worry. Using a lollipop or animal crackers as an occasional treat won’t cause obesity or lead to a life of dessert-mania.
Best Used For: All toddlers.
How to Do It: Say changing diapers is a daily struggle. Stand your tot on the table and take out a little reward, like a special “diaper cookie” (only given during changings). Offer half the cookie when you start the change and half in the middle. Usually, within days, the struggle will diminish.
A few days later, begin to withhold the second piece until after the diaper change is complete. After another week, reduce the reward to just a half-cookie when you’re done. Eventually, you won’t need the cookie any longer. (Of course, you will still have to change that diaper as quickly as possible … after all, half a cookie will only keep a caveman still for so long!)
In addition to giving the cookie, reward his cooperation by feeding his meter with some cheery praise and a minute or two of play right after the diaper change. Your loving time-ins will be the top reward for him long after the cookie tactic is phased out and forgotten.
What It Is: You know how kids love hand stamps and tattoos? Well, child development whiz Dr. Barbara Howard suggests rewarding toddlers with a pen check mark on the back of the hand when they do something good.
Hand checks are great because kids notice them all day and are reminded of what a good job they did.
At bedtime, count the checks and recall what he did to earn each one. He’ll end his day feeling like a winner! (Also see bedtime sweet talk, on this page.)
This idea is easy and effective, and it doesn’t cost a penny.
Best Used For: All toddlers.
What It Is: A star chart is a great way to use a little reward to feed an older toddler’s meter.
Best Used For: Ages two and up.
How to Do It:
• Pick three behaviors to focus on. Pick two your child already does (like washing his hands or brushing his teeth) and one he’s not doing (like eating some broccoli or picking up his toys). Choose goals that are very specific. For example, telling him to say thank you is much clearer than saying “Be polite.” And “No fighting at school” is clearer than “Be nice to the other children.”
• Explain your plan. During a calm moment, sit your child down and discuss some things that he’s done well lately; then mention your plan for helping him do even better: “Honey, I love lots of things you do, but I want to help you do some other things.” Tell him the three things you want him to do each day. Let him know that every time he does one, he’ll get a star.
• Prepare for success. Draw a two-week calendar on a large piece of paper. Let your child help decorate it with his drawings or pictures from a magazine. Then take him shopping and let him choose his favorite stars or stickers. Involving your child in the project will get him excited about succeeding … and it makes it his star chart.
When your child meets a goal, let him put a star on the chart. Boost the effect of the chart by gossiping about your tot’s success.
Give bonus stars for special cooperation, and ask your child what his special little reward should be for every ten stars he earns (funny stickers, poker chip, cookie, etc.).
Kids are proud of their charts. Display yours where your child (and everyone else) can see it. He’ll get a dose of “visual praise” every time he walks by and sees his success.
Redo the chart every two weeks and add new behaviors to be rewarded as your child does better and better with the old goals.
Praise for Different Ages and Stages
Let your praise style “grow” as your child grows:
• Early toddlers (12 to 18 months): Be generous with praise. Use lots of smiles and a little applause and a few happy words (repeated over and over).
Example: Cheer, “Yea! You came so fast … so fast! Yea! Sooooo fast!”
• Middle toddlers (18 to 36 months): Scale back the over-the-top praise. Occasional applause is fine, but mostly you’ll smile, nod your head, and toss out bits of modest praise.
Example: “Hmmm … you built a tall tower.”
Gossip, hand checks, and stickers are like gold and jewels to middle toddlers.
• Older toddlers (36 to 48 months): Older toddlers are more self-conscious. They may feel mocked or patronized if you make too big a fuss. Keep it understated and boost the effect with gossip, hand checks, poker chips, and star charts.
A special type of praise older toddlers love is comparing them to something smart or powerful. For example: “Thanks for getting the keys. You did it fast as a tiger!”
Time-Ins: Play
What It Is: One of the biggest myths about childhood is that play is just frivolous entertainment … a “waste of time.” Actually, play is much more important than academics during the toddler years. Play is a top toddler nutrient. When you give your child a big daily dose of “Vitamin P,” you:
• thrill his senses
• help him master movement
• sharpen his thinking
• encourage his language use
• boost his people skills
• teach him about the world
• stimulate his immune system
• build his self-confidence
• improve his sleep
Do you see why play is such a brilliant way to feed your child’s meter? Happy, healthy toddlers have their days filled with chasing, pretending, rolling, and tinkering.
How to Do It: There are three types of play that you should try to give your child every day: outside play, creative activity, and reading.
Outside Play: Kids “Go Ape” When They’re Cooped Up Some of my happiest childhood memories are of playing outside: rolling down grassy hills, kicking heaps of fallen leaves, making snowmen. (Many of us still revel in these activities.)
But while adults enjoy the fresh air, toddlers don’t merely like it—they need it. A two-year-old cooped up in an apartment all day may feel as trapped as Tarzan stuffed into a tight tuxedo.
And don’t be afraid to go out in “bad weather.” Rain, wind, and snow add to the fun. Just get the proper clothes and shoes for yourself and your toddler and run out and have a ball!
Creative Play: Your Child’s Favorite Toy—His Brain
“Imagination is more important than knowledge.”
—Albert Einstein
Imagination is the key to mankind’s greatest advances, from the arts to the sciences. That’s why I am so sad about art classes being dropped in schools across our nation. Science and math are important, but, as the complete quote from Einstein reads, “Imagination is more important than knowledge. For while knowledge defines what we currently know and understand, imagination points to all we might yet discover and create.” (I know it well, because it’s printed on my computer mouse pad!)
Feed your toddler’s creativity with:
• Art materials: Go for variety: crayons, Play-Doh, collage materials, watercolors, finger paint.
• Real—or replica—household items: Toddlers love “monkey see, monkey do.” As the months pass, they want to imitate you more and more. Use household goodies like pots/pans/wooden spoons, a toy phone, or a small broom and dustpan.
• Props for pretend play: Dolls and dollhouses, action figures, toy dinosaurs, and lots of costumes and dress-up clothes. By age three, a child’s interest expands from imitating Mom and Dad to trying on new identities—such as princess, ballerina, firefighter, and cowboy.
• Sensory materials: Molding clay, a sandbox or sand table, a splash pool, a watering can, pouring toys for the bathtub, swatches of different materials (satin, velvet, corduroy, sandpaper)
Book Play: Reading Is Feeding
Want your child to have a healthy brain? Feed it … by reading! The key to reading with toddlers is to do it with them. Reading makes kids smarter, and it’s a sweet opportunity to snuggle close and join your hearts.
• Early toddlers (12 to 24 months): These tots are active! So pick a reading time when your child is tired. Use books with cloth or cardboard pages. Talk a lot about what you see: “Look, a doggie! What does a doggie say? What do doggies eat?” Turn the book into a game: “Hey, you be the doggie. Can you bark? Wow! What other animals can we find?”
• Middle toddlers (24 to 36 months): Two-year-olds like things “just so.” Your child may howl if you skip part of a story he’s learned by heart. “Do it right!” he’ll protest. As you turn each page, offer your child a chance to be smart by asking, “What’s going on now?”
• Older toddlers (36 to 48 months): Older toddlers love stories about animals and people (and trucks!). And they love to compare what’s happening in the story to situations they’ve experienced. “Oh, honey, Bigelow the rabbit dropped his ice cream.… That’s like when you spilled your beans at lunch.” Older toddlers repeat lines from books to their stuffed animals and even make up their own stories. Now they’re at the stage when they love it if you “accidentally” make a silly mix-up of the words. They giggle with joy when they catch you making a “mistake.”
Today’s parents have it tough. We have lots of demands on our time, but little family support. So it’s understandable when some parents flip on the TV to entertain their toddlers while they get things done.
I think of TV like candy: A little is okay every so often, but not a steady diet of it. I recommend you limit your toddler’s TV-viewing time by following these guidelines:
• Keep the TV out of your child’s room. Sadly, one in five children under age two and half of all four-year-olds have TVs in their bedrooms. This leads to too much TV watching and too many inappropriate programs.
• Put a cap on total TV time. Less is better! Limit your toddler’s TV time to a maximum of thirty to sixty minutes a day (including videos and DVDs). And when possible, try to watch the programs with your toddler and talk about what you see.
• Be picky. Let your little one watch only gentle, nonviolent cartoons; toddler-oriented nature videos; and slow-paced, educational children’s shows.
Green-Light Skill #2: Build Confidence 
“Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.”
—Helen Keller
We all know how tough it is to raise a toddler, but not many people realize how tough it is to BE a toddler. Toddlers lose all day long! They’re weaker, slower, shorter, less verbal, and clumsier than almost everybody they know. That’s why they love stomping in puddles (to make a big splash) and showing off their “massive” muscles. It’s also why they can be so darn stubborn, refusing to listen or to give in.
They just want to win a few!
You can’t protect your child from all the defeats he’ll suffer while he’s growing up. (And you wouldn’t want to. They build character.) But you can help your little one become more self-confident and resilient so he bounces back from disappointments more easily.
Helping Your Toddler Feel Triumphant
This is one of the most important parenting concepts you’ll ever learn: If you fill your child with many little triumphs and successes throughout the day, he’ll automatically become more respectful and cooperative. Why? Because even primitive little toddlers understand the rule of fairness: After I win a bunch … you get a turn.
Think of it this way: Say you go to Las Vegas and win a million dollars. You feel great. Like a winner! Your pockets are bulging with cash. Then, on your way out, you pass a person begging. You might give him $100, maybe even $1,000. Why not? You won so much, you feel in a generous mood. It’s no big deal to you. On the other hand, if you’ve lost your life savings, you may not even give the beggar a penny. Why? Because when you feel like you’ve got nothing, you’ve got nothing to give.
That’s exactly how it is with your toddler. If your toddler feels like a loser all day long, he is much less likely to cooperate with you. But if you let him “win” little victories all day long, he’s much more likely to let you win a few little struggles (such as trying a tiny piece of broccoli). He’ll be thinking, You know what, Mom? I’m such a winner today, I’m gonna let you win this one.
Respect—and some silliness—makes kids feel like winners. That’s why the best parents look for ways to help their toddlers feel smart, fast, and strong. It might be as simple (and fun) as letting him win a pillow fight or allowing him to choose which plate he wants to eat from.
Here are two fun ways to build your tot’s confidence: Show that you believe in him, and (my all-time favorite) playing the boob.
Building Confidence: Show Your Tot You Believe in Him
The more your child knows you believe in him, the more he’ll believe in himself. Here are some easy ways to boost your toddler’s self-confidence … fast!
Listen with Respect. When you listen to your child with patience and respect, you send him the message that you really value him as a person.
Ask for Help: “Can You Carry This for Daddy?” Asking your tot for help tells him, I know you can do it. He’ll beam with pride when he shows you how capable he is. For example, say, “Honey, my hands are sooo full, can you please help Mommy and carry my purse?”
Offer Options: “Which Ones Should We Get?” There are so many decisions to make every day; let your child make a couple of them. One-year-olds aren’t great decision-makers. But by two, your tot will love being asked to choose: “Which flowers should we buy, the pink or the yellow?”
Asking your child his opinion shows him that you think he’s smart and you have confidence in his choices.
Two big rules about choices:
• Don’t offer too many options. Your toddler’s immature brain may get overloaded with too many choices. “Do you want milk in the red cup, yellow cup, green cup, or purple cup?” Thirty-nine flavors of ice cream? Tilt! Tilt!
• Never ask your child’s choice if you plan to disregard it. For example, don’t ask him which flowers to get if you’ve already decided to buy the pink ones no matter what.
Let Him Work It Out: “You Can Do It!” It may take your toddler five minutes to do something you can do in five seconds, but don’t rush him! Put your hands in your pockets, zip your lips, take some slow, deep breaths, and encourage his efforts. (“Wow! You’re really trying hard!” “Good job, you’ve almost got it!”) If you can refrain from hovering and jumping in, your patience and body language will give your little one the message I trust you to figure out even tough things.
Let him work at it, even if he gets a little frustrated. Of course, offer some help if he’s really getting upset.
Building Confidence: Playing the Boob
We all pretend to be klutzes sometimes when we are playing with our kids. It makes them laugh, feel clever and strong (by comparison to their inept parent), and makes them want to be more cooperative.
Sound odd? Embarrassing? Unnatural? Well, actually it’s a silly idea that’s supersmart and I bet you’re doing it already! Do you ever:
• Pretend you’re startled when your child roars like a tiger?
• Have a little race and intentionally lose?
• Have a pillow fight and let your tot topple you with each swipe?
If you answered yes to any of those, then you’re already playing the boob (and, you know how much your child loves it)! Playing the boob makes kids feel like winners—and that helps them give in faster on issues that we care about!
Twenty-two-month-old Alice loves to “blow her dad over”: She puffs really hard on his chest … and he teeters … then falls onto the couch while she howls with laughter.
I play the boob again and again when I do a toddler checkup. It usually wins a child’s cooperation in minutes, or less (see story on Green-Light Behaviors:).
I beg you to spend time learning this one. This goofy-sounding idea is one of the most effective tools I know for increasing toddler cooperation and diminishing tantrums.
What It Is: The basic idea is to make your child feel smart/strong/fast/etc. by making yourself seem, well, like a bit of a “boob.”
Best Used For: All toddlers, dozens of times a day. Once you get the knack, playing the boob will become your toddler’s all-time favorite game. (Yours, too!)
How to Do It: Here are just a few of the wacky ways to play the boob:
• Be a baby. Pretend you want something your toddler has. Reach out and whine like a baby saying, “Mine, mine … pleeease!” Let her easily defy your pitiful request. One of my favorites is to say, “Gimme five,” but then pretend to be afraid. Then I let the child give me five. If she does it gently, I thank her for being so nice. But if she whacks me hard, I hop around yelping in mock pain, “Ow! Ow! Ow! You tricked me! You tricked me! You’re not fair.” Then I blow hard on my hand to take away the sting. Kids howl with delight and want to do it over and over.
• Be blind. Pretend to search for something that’s right next to you. Say, “Book! Where is my book?” When your child giggles and points to it, ham it up and exclaim, “Where? Where? I don’t see it.” Then finally look where she’s pointing and say, “Yea! You found it! You’re a good finder! Thank you.”
• Be a klutz. Ask your child to hand you something, but “accidentally” drop it (over and over again), saying “Uh-oh! Uh-oh!”
Before I examine a worried two-year-old, I always place a toy right on the edge of the exam table so that it falls as soon as I let go. As it drops I exclaim, “Noooo! Doooon’t fall!” I do this over and over, each time pretending to be ever more careful in putting it down. I “command” the toy (or plead with it), “Pleeease don’t fall!” Of course, when I let go it always falls again.
Pretty soon, the child relaxes and looks quizzically at his mom, wondering Is this the guy you meant to take me to, Mom? Because I can do the thing he’s bumbling with. Usually the child laughs and wants to play with me because he sees I’m such a boob he doesn’t need to be afraid.
• Be confused. Put your shoe on your hand or wear your hat upside down. Announce that you need to see if your child’s hands are clean … but inspect her foot instead. Then protest, “Hey! You’re tricking me! That’s not your hand!” Now demand, “Give me your hand!” But look in her pocket.
• Be forgetful. Ask your child: “Do you want your green pants or the blue ones?” After he says “green,” immediately act like you forgot, “Huh? What? Did you say the blue ones?”
Point at your child’s foot and fumble for the word. Say, “Give me your … ummm … your … uh.” Frown as if you just can’t remember the word “foot.” Keep fumbling and pointing. In seconds, your toddler will lift up his foot and gleefully finish your sentence, “Foot, FOOT!”
• Be pompously incorrect. Loudly sing the wrong lyrics to a song, “Happy elephant to you!” “Happy elephant to you!” Your child will love to correct you … but act like you’re sure you’re right. (“No, those are the right words!”) Or like she didn’t hear you correctly, “No way! I didn’t say elephant … I said birthday.” Then sing the song with the wrong word again and if she corrects you again, pompously proclaim, “No way! I’m the best singer … IN THE WORLD!!!”
• Be a pushover. Ask your child to do something you know he won’t want to do … and let him win. Point to the shoes on his feet and say, “Give me your shoes, pleeease! I want shoes!” When he refuses, “beg” him, “Please! Pleeease!” Then, when he refuses again (with a mile-wide grin) throw down your hands and whine, “Okay, okay … you win! You always win! You win me a hundred times!! You never do what I want!”
I once made a house call to see a baby. There, I met her big sister, two-year-old Noa. Noa was drinking juice and I playfully put out my hand and asked, “May I have your sippy cup? Pleeease?” She scowled and said, “No!” Then she turned away from me and wedged herself between her dad’s legs for protection.
I begged like a baby, “Please? Pleeeeeease? Pretty please with sugar on top?” She protested, “No! My cup!” I saw she was looking worried, so I backed away, smiled, and chirped, “You say, ‘No! Go away, Man.’ Okay, Noa … you win, you win! That’s your sippy cup! You keep it! You keep it!”
Noa beamed and puffed out her chest. She felt like a winner! And she felt that I had treated her with fairness and respect. I know that because a minute later she took my hand and introduced me to all her dollies!
• Be ridiculous. Say something absurd in a sincere voice, “Want some delicious … mud?” or “Okay, it’s dinner time.… You have to eat your shoe!” This will make your toddler grin and feel smart because even he knows people don’t eat mud.
• Be weak. Pretend a little toy is too heavy to lift. Struggle at it, then ask for help. Or wrestle, but let your child keep wriggling out of your grasp even as you boast, “I’ve got you now! You’ll never get away!”
Is It a Bad Idea to Let Your Toddler Think You’re a “Boob”?
Not at all. Your child knows you’re not really weak or a baby. You’re his ultimate hero. You’ll never lose his respect just because you goof with him a little bit. In fact, he’ll love you even more for it.
Think of playing the boob as an ancient form of flattery (a fundamental tool of diplomacy). It’s like buttering up the king: “Oh, Your Lordship, you are sooooo strong!”
Green-Light Skill #3: Teach Patience 
Teaching patience is another phenomenal parenting skill that’s worth its weight in gold. Patient toddlers are more reasonable, less impulsive, and slower to go on the rampage when they don’t get their way.
Patience is like a muscle … it gets stronger with exercise. It actually strengthens the left half of the brain and speeds its development! Also, as you’ll see in the next chapter, teaching patience is a great tool for eliminating annoying behaviors, like whining and nagging. Practice these skills every day and you’ll be astounded at the rapid improvements you’ll see.
Here are two surefire ways to boost your toddler’s self-control:
• patience-stretching
• magic breathing
Teaching Patience: Patience-Stretching
All kids start out impulsive. But, amazingly, you can s-t-r-e-t-c-h your toddler’s patience in just days … if you do it right.
What It Is: Patience-stretching is a superfast way to help grabby tots learn to be patient by expecting them to wait a teensy, tiny bit … then a bit more … and then even more.
Believe it or not, most parents teach patience in exactly the opposite way from the method that works the best. For example, say you’re busy and your two-year-old pulls at your skirt for attention. Most of us lovingly respond, “Just a second, sweetheart,” and finish what we’re doing. Trouble is, this often makes your child bug you even more!
Best Used For: All toddlers (even under one year of age).
How to Do It: Very important: To teach patience-stretching you must have something your child wants (food, a toy, etc.). Once you have that, follow these simple steps:
• First, almost give her what she wants. Let’s say your one-year-old interrupts you, asking for juice. Stop what you’re doing and repeat back, “Juice! You want juice!” Start to hand her the juice … BUT … then suddenly hold up one finger and exclaim, “Wait! Wait! Just one second!” as if you just remembered something important. Turn away and pretend to look for something.
• Next, the “payoff.” After just a few seconds, turn back and immediately give your child the juice, praising her, saying, “Good waiting! Good waiting!” Quickly rewarding your child’s patience teaches her that waiting isn’t so bad and that Mommy always keeps her word.
Little by little, stretch the waiting time more and more (5 seconds, then 10 … 30 … 60, etc.). If you practice this every day, your child will be able to wait a minute or two (or more) within a week. Patience-stretching will build your tot’s self-control … one baby step at a time.
Timers help older toddlers practice patience. During a calm period, show your toddler how the timer works: “See! And when Mr. Dinger says ding! (make it chime) then Mommy comes back fast!”
Later, when your three-year-old starts bugging you for something, say, “Sure!” and almost give it to him, but then suddenly announce, “Wait, wait! Just one second, sweetheart! I have to go see Daddy. As soon as Mr. Dinger rings I can give you the ____!” (You might suggest that your child play or look at a book until the timer dings, but don’t insist on it.)
Initially, set the timer for twenty seconds. When it rings, come right back, give your child a little praise (“Hey, good waiting!”) and a check on the hand, and immediately keep your promise.
Gradually increase the waiting period to a minute or two. But every once in a while surprise him by: 1) setting the timer for just ten seconds (he’ll think, Wow, that minute goes by really fast). 2) Giving a double reward (“Hey, you waited so well … here are TWO cookies!”).
He’ll think, Wow, waiting is cool.… Sometimes I even get more than I expected!
Later in the day, gossip to his teddy bear about his “great waiting” and at bedtime, remind him what a good job he did being patient that day.
Isn’t It Teasing a Child to Almost Give Something … Then Take It Away?
There is a huge difference between patience-stretching and teasing. Teasing is when you taunt a child by offering the thing he wants with no intention of giving it. “You want this, but you can’t have it!”
But, with patience-stretching you will give your child what he wants, you’re just delaying it a bit. Toddlers find this totally reasonable.
Think of it from the adult point of view:
Imagine you’re approved for a $1,000,000 loan and just as the banker starts to hand you the check, he gets a phone call. So he pulls back the check and says, “Sorry, I’ll be right back.”
Are you angry? Probably not. You don’t yell, “Where’s my money!” because the banker might change his mind. And besides, you have every reason to believe that you’ll get the check in a minute. So what do you do? You sit patiently, hands in your lap, and wait. And when you get it, you feel very appreciative and offer a heartfelt “Thank you.”
Dr. Harvey in Action: How I Teach Patience in Less Than Five Minutes
At checkups, I love demonstrating how easy it is to teach patience-stretching. First I warm up the child by playing the boob (for example, by repeatedly letting him “slap me five” and yelping in pretend pain).
Once he’s having fun, I say, “Give me five again,” and I put out my hand, but right before he whacks me, I remove the hand and hold up one finger, saying, “Wait! Wait!” Next, I turn away and make him wait for a few seconds as I pretend to look at something, Then I turn back, I praise them (“Good waiting!”), and perhaps I reinforce the praise by gossiping to his mom (“Bobby’s a good waiter!”). Finally, I let the child “give me five” again and repay his patience by hopping around yelping, “Ouch! Ouch!”
Usually in just a few minutes, I can teach even a one-year-old to patiently wait for ten seconds.
Teaching Patience: Magic Breathing
What It Is: Have you ever been so upset that someone told you to “take a deep breath”? When we are stressed, frightened, or in pain, we automatically tighten up and hold our breath. Over time, that can lead to headaches, anxiety, even high blood pressure.
Learning how to stay calm is a very important life skill. Unfortunately, many people in our culture never learn it (or can only calm by eating, sleeping, watching TV, or using drugs and alcohol). Yet all adults—and children—have a powerful natural stress-reducer: simple breathing!
Just a few sloooow breaths (magic breathing) can quickly bring a sense of peace. Magic breathing helps impulsive toddlers learn to turn their motor off. With a little practice, your little friend can learn how to use this superb self-soothing skill anytime he’s frustrated, scared, hurt, or mad. It is a self-control tool your child can use forever.
Best Used For: Toddlers over two (who can already wait patiently for a minute).
How to Do It: This skill is as simple as breathing, but before you teach your bouncy little tyke, it’s important for you to learn it.
First, You Practice:
• Relax your face. When the house is quiet, turn off the phone and take two to three minutes for yourself. Sit in a comfy chair, uncross your legs, put your hands in your lap, drop your shoulders, and—most important—let the tiny muscles around your mouth and eyes get very soft and relaxed.
• Take a few slow breaths. Slowly inhale through your nose (as you silently count to five) then slowly exhale through your nose (for another silent five counts). Make a little whooshy sound as the air flows in and out, and never hold your breath.
• As you breathe in, let one hand slowly rise and as you breathe out let it slowly drop.
Practice where your child can watch. He may get curious and want to imitate you.
Now, You’re Ready to Teach Your Little One:
When he comes to watch you:
• Say, “Breathe with Mommy.” Start by leading him through a couple of fast breaths (two counts in, two counts out), using your whooshy sound and hand motion to guide him. Don’t get frustrated if he can’t do it right away. It may take a dozen tries for him to get the hang of it.
• Reward any breathing with encouragement: “Good breathing!” “Good following my hand.” Give a hand check and immediately follow it up with a little play. (Later in the day, gossip about his good breathing to your spouse, his teddy bear, or a birdie outside.)
• Gradually, lead your child through more and slower breaths (aim for at least five breaths at a sitting). Once he gets good at magic breathing, practice it in different places and at different times of the day.
Extra Tips for Magic Breathing
• Be a role model. Your child will learn magic breathing faster when he sees you doing it every day.
• Time it right. Do it before a nap or after eating, when your tot’s already a bit relaxed.
• Pick a “magic” place. Kids love the word “magic”! Pick a “magic” spot to sit and “magic” pillow to sit on. (It will be even more special if you tape pictures of “magic” trees or butterflies on the wall of your “magic” spot.) He’ll instantly relax as soon as he sits and starts to breathe.
• Don’t be pushy. If he resists, offer to do something fun after his magic breathing. If he still refuses, say, “No problem.” Then get busy with something and ignore him for a few minutes. Try offering the breathing again later that day and the next. If your child refuses every time, wait a month or two and try again.
• Practice often. Kids who practice magic breathing every day quickly become little experts at self-calming.
• Combine breathing with play. Even wild kids will take a few breaths when they know they’ll be rewarded for it. So do a couple of slow breaths, followed by something fun, followed by a final breath or two after the play stops. This is a great way for your uncivilized little friend to learn how to self-soothe even after hectic play.
Green-Light Skill #4: Create Daily Routines and Stick to Them
Help your toddler feel safe, happy, and smart.
Doing the same thing every day may be boring to grown-ups, but for toddlers predictable routines lower stress, increase confidence, and even make them feel smarter.
Routines give little children:
• A sense of security. Predictable routines give toddlers a sense of security amid the chaos of the day. As any experienced preschool teacher will tell you, too little structure to the day makes toddlers feel overwhelmed and cranky.
• A feeling of being smart. Toddlers often encounter things they can’t control or understand. It can make them feel frustrated and left out when they see that everyone else in the family knows what’s happening. Daily routines, however, level the playing field. Tots who do the same things every day feel smart because they know what’s going on … just as well as their older siblings and parents.
Joan groaned when Phillip, 22 months, awoke at six A.M. and begged to watch his tractor video—every single day. But to Phillip the repetition made him feel like a genius. You could almost hear him telling himself I knew that was gonna happen! when he watched the tractor go through its familiar paces.
• A sense of “time.” Predictable routines are your toddler’s “wristwatch.” They help her keep track of the day: After I wake, I get dressed and eat breakfast. After lunch, I take a nap.
Do you have little routines that raise your comfort level during the day, like a morning tea break or a call to your mom? Well, here are two fabulous routines that will make your tot feel extra-loved and extra-safe: bedtime sweet talk and special time.
Teach Your Child the Power of Positive Thinking: Bedtime Sweet Talk
Some of the sweetest moments of parenthood are our presleep snuggles with our kids. They reduce stress, build love, and provide a perfect transition from a tiring day to … Slumberland. You can make this period even sweeter—and more useful—with a routine called bedtime sweet talk (mentioned on this page).
Routines for Different Ages and Stages
• Early toddlers (12 to 24 months): By his first birthday, your child will recognize the patterns of the day (a diaper when he wakes up, lunch when he sees you take out his special plate, a little massage before bed). Your consistency builds his sense of security, and that gives him the courage to go off and explore the world.
• Middle toddlers (24 to 36 months): Middle toddlers hate unexpected changes because they work so hard to figure things out (“C’mon! I just finally got it…. Don’t go changing it on me!”). That’s why routines are such a huge bonus at this age. They fill your two-year-old’s need for things to “follow the rules” and be “just so.”
Mina, two and a half, wore a princess outfit complete with wings, crown, and ballet slippers to playgroup … every day.
Thirty-month-old Arnie loved his fireman hat so much that he insisted on wearing it to sleep for almost a year!
So don’t be surprised when your little kid rigidly demands the same food, same shirt, or same song every day; explodes if the peas touch the carrots or a guest sits in Daddy’s chair; and insists you start over—from page one—if you’re interrupted in the middle of reading her Good Night, Moon!
• Older toddlers (36 to 48 months): It’s common for three-year-olds to suddenly notice they’re weaker than almost everybody else. (That’s why they love to point out that they are faster and stronger than babies!) Realizing that they are vulnerable can trigger new fears and worries. Routines help these kids feel safe and secure.
Despite their worries, older toddlers no longer demand rigid sameness. In fact, they love it when we throw silly variations into their routines (adding a crazy verse to a favorite song, making up new words as you read a beloved bedtime story, having a “picnic” lunch on a blanket in the living room).
What It Is: A wonderful routine that allows you to appreciate some of the good things your toddler did today and to consider all the wonderful things that might happen tomorrow.
During the twilight moments right before sleep, your child’s mind is like a little sponge soaking up your loving words. Bedtime sweet talk helps your child drift into sleep feeling smart, loved, and like a winner!
Best Used For: All toddlers. Start this loving habit as early as you can. Don’t worry if your child doesn’t understand all your words.… Even your one-year-old will be comforted by listening to your kind, soft voice.
How to Do It:
Cuddle in bed until your child is nice and relaxed, then:
• Softly retell some of his good deeds from the day (acts of kindness, fun experiences, etc.). Keep your voice gentle and understated—more like a candle than a sparkler.
• Describe the love that fills you when you watch him (“When I saw you reading, I got as happy as a puppy!”).
• Count his hand checks and mention what he did to earn each one (see Time-Ins: Hand Checks).
• Look forward to tomorrow by mentioning a few of the wonderful things that may happen: “And tomorrow, at school, perhaps you’ll play trains with Seymour or have fun climbing on the monkey bars. It might even be your most fun day ever! You may even do some things that are a big help at school.… Teacher Kris likes it when you help pick up toys.”
Here’s an example of how bedtime sweet talk might sound:
“Today was a great day. You helped water the flowers … and said ‘Hi!’ to the mailman … then we held hands and went to Jack’s house.
“And look, you got so many hand checks. One … two … three! Three checks. Do you remember what they were for? This one was for using the potty all by yourself. Oh, and this one was when you carried the mail for Mommy! And this one was for coming to the bath superfast when I called you … remember?
“Hey, you know what I also really liked about today? When you helped Jack put away all the blocks so fast, I was so amazed, you made my heart zoom up like a big balloon!
“Tomorrow could be fun too. You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if Grandma shows you her watering can.… I bet you’ll show her what a fast picker-upper you are too!”
Pack Loads of Fun into a Little Time: Special Time
Despite the many hours of time we give our kids, they often bug us the moment we start to make dinner or answer the phone. It’s as if they’re thinking, Well, what have you done for me lately?
Toddlers don’t mean to be unfair. It’s just that they live in the “now” and quickly forget the “before.” But there’s an easy, fun way to help your child remember and appreciate your time together: special time.
What It Is: Special time is a little gift of five to ten minutes of your undivided attention. No phone calls or baby brothers allowed! Special time feeds your child’s meter with a tasty little helping of the “you-you-you” he’s so hungry for.
Best Used For: Toddlers two years old and up.
How to Do It:
• Make special time a routine. Set aside one or two short periods every day to give your child a bit of fun. If you can, do it at the same time every day.
• “Promote and advertise.” Kids appreciate special time even more when you stoke their anticipation and excitement. A few times a day, announce that special time is coming. “Pretty soon it’s going to be special time. What fun things should we do today?” Let your tot overhear you gossiping about special time to his toys.
• Kids get to choose. Special time is fun because your child gets to choose the activity. If you need to, give prompts: “Ooh! Do you think we will paint or have a tea party this time?” You might read, draw, dance, hunt bugs, or have a “snowball” fight with crumpled pieces of paper. (If he wants TV, gently say, “You love TV, but TV isn’t special time. Let’s think of some fun things we can do together.”)
• Have a clear beginning and end. This nugget of fun-time works best when you keep it short (about five minutes … set a timer). Start each session with a peppy little jingle: “It’s Tony’s special time! Special, special … special time!” And wind it up with a nice little ritual that you repeat every time. (For instance, say “Bye-bye, special time. See you later!” Then give a little special-time hug.)
If your child demands more time, you could give an extra minute, or you might just say, “Aww … I’m so sorry, honey. You love … love … love your special time.… It’s really fun. But you know what? You get another special time later on [or tomorrow].” Then distract him and busy yourself with something else.
Think of your beginning song and ending hug as the gift wrap for this nugget of extra fun. It marks this time as a really special treat!
Tips for Special Time:
• Don’t do it right before naps or bedtime. It’s too fun and exciting.
• Don’t think of special time as a replacement for time you currently spend together. It’s a bite-size time-in that’s offered in addition to the usual attention you give.
• Don’t punish your child by taking away special time. In fact, special time can be a big help to get you and your toddler back on track if the two of you are having a rough day.
• Don’t allow interruptions. Turn off your beeper and the phone if possible.
“Rituals” Make Routines Even More Fun
You can make routines even more fun by adding some little rituals to them. Rituals are small but very specific actions that add a dash of extra sparkle to your routines (like ornaments on a Christmas tree).
Here are a few rituals you might try:
• Bedtime: Sing a special song each night at bedtime.
• Dinner: Ring a bell or chime before you say grace.
• Car ride: Play the same song every time you enter the car.
• Opening the garage: Let your child say a “magic word” before you press the remote. (“Open sesame!”)
• Getting dressed: Each night, put out the next day’s clothes in the shape of a person.
A Daily Routine Your Kid Can Cuddle: Loveys
Linus has his blanket; Calvin has his tiger, Hobbes; Christopher Robin loves his teddy, Winnie-the-Pooh; and your child probably has his own lovey. Think of a lovey as a little “routine” your child can cuddle every day.
I’ve seen kids cling to diapers, silk scarves, wigs, and all sorts of toys. For years, my little patient Alex was “hooked” on sleeping with his Captain Hook’s hook!
To some parents, cuddlies seem “babyish.” But actually they are stepping-stones to maturity and independence. They help kids deal with stress (illness, trips, scary situations, etc.). And they give kids the courage to take baby steps from their moms and dads into the great big world. (That’s why they’re called “transitional objects.”)
Tips on Loveys
• Make it easy for your toddler to love a lovey. Keep a teddy or satiny blanket near your young toddler day and night. Touch and cuddle it yourself to give it your comforting scent and invest it with magic Mommy power.
• Always have a backup! Lost loveys happen, so always have a backup that’s identical to your child’s main squeeze. (If the lovey is a blanket, cut it in two and hem it. If it’s a toy, buy an extra one.) Every week or two, replace the one she’s using with the spare one. That gives you a chance to keep them clean and helps them both develop the same comforting feel and smell.
• Don’t remove a lovey as punishment. Never threaten to take away a lovey. Far from making kids behave better, it makes them resentful and insecure.
More Comforters: Pacifiers, Thumbs, Breasts, and Bottles
Sucking is another terrific, comforting “routine.” It helps toddlers calm themselves—especially those who are shy or under stress. Worried parents sometimes ask me if sucking is a sign of anxiety. Not usually. Interestingly, a love of sucking is genetically passed from one generation to the next, just like hair color or freckles.
Tips on Bottles, Breasts, and Pacifiers:
• Don’t make sucking the answer to every little frustration. You can offer a bottle, breast, or pacifier several times a day to provide some comfort, but also leave your child with daily opportunities to find other methods of self-soothing.
• Bottles and pacifiers may cause ear infections. That’s because strong sucking can create pressure inside the ear. If your child is prone to ear infections, cut back on the bottles and pacifiers, and when she is drinking from a bottle, be sure to keep her head up a bit. Consider switching her off the pacifier to a cuddly lovey, like a blankie, or an “auditory lovey” like a soothing-sounds white-noise CD that can be played all night long.
• Go easy on the juice. Fruit juice has tons of sugar. Sucking on a bottle of fruit juice for twenty minutes may cause cavities. So, if your baby loves juice, keep the sucking time short. You can also add a bit more water every day to gradually dilute it. Or better yet, switch to a naturally sweet, caffeine-free tea like mint or chamomile.
• Wean your toddler off the pacifier by three to four years. Sucking (especially thumb-sucking) may eventually cause buckteeth. So from time to time, mention to your tot, “When kids turn three, the pacifier fairy flies away with their old pacis and brings them back a new toy! I wonder what cool toy she’ll bring you.” (Don’t say she gives pacifiers to babies. Your child might resent the next baby he sees who’s sucking on what he thinks is his “old friend”!) Prolonged pacifier use doesn’t always cause dental problems. Ask your doctor or dentist to check.
Green-Light Skill #5: Plant Seeds of Kindness 
“Civilization is just a slow process of learning to be kind.”
—Charles Lucas
Experienced parents know that toddlers often tune out our explanations and sermons (messages delivered to the “front door” of a child’s mind) but pay sharp attention to what they see us do or overhear us say (messages delivered to the “side door” of the mind).
Side-door lessons allow us to sneak into our children’s minds and plant seeds of kindness and good character without our little ones feeling lectured to. And practicing good behavior, over and over, through pretend play is just as powerful a teacher to your young child as actual experience.
Plant Seeds of Kindness: Fairy Tales
For thousands of years, fairy tales like “Little Red Riding Hood” have been told around the campfire to entertain children and adults. More than mere entertainment, these little stories teach life lessons like courage, honesty, and not talking to strangers (or “wolves”). The enormous popularity of these stories in every human culture on Earth testifies to their effectiveness.
With The Happiest Toddler version of fairy tales, you create your own special stories tailored to your child’s particular needs.
What It Is: Making up stories to teach our children lessons about right and wrong and good and bad. Think of it as planting seeds of character and kindness that slowly take root in your child’s spirit. It is no exaggeration to say that for young children hearing is believing.
Best Used For: Kids over 24 months. They love them because they’re so much fun.
How It Works: When I teach parents about fairy tales, they’re often afraid that they won’t know what to say. Please don’t worry. Think of what you want to teach your child—for example, a lesson about not getting upset when you have to go off to work every day, then use this simple three-step recipe to cook up a great fairy tale. Just think about the beginning, the middle, and the happy ending.
Telling the Tale 
The Beginning: “Once Upon a Time”
Your goal at the beginning of a story is to capture your child’s imagination … with lots of description. Start out by saying a few sentences about what the little animal hero of your story is doing and feeling (think of both her emotional feelings and her five-senses feelings).
What does the pony princess see, smell, wear, sing, eat for lunch?
How does the sun feel on her face? How do the flowers smell?
Is she happy, sad, curious, silly?
What does she see on her walk home from school?
Within a minute, your tot will start feeling snuggly and interested and her mind’s trusting side door will swing open.
The Middle: “But Then”
Now weave in a little lesson about a specific behavior or value that you want your child to learn—sharing, helping others, telling the truth, saying thank you, et cetera. This is where you introduce the “problem” that has to get resolved by the end.
But then, when she got home from school, the little pony wouldn’t take turns; or told her mommy she washed her hands … but she hadn’t; or teased her baby brother till he cried, etc.
Why did she do it?
How did her mommy feel about it?
What did her mommy say or do (remember to use some of your Fast-Food Rule and Toddler-ese at this part).
What did the little pony finally do that made her mom happy?
The End: “Happily Ever After”
Toddlers love happy endings, so always finish your stories with the problem being solved, the animals being safe, and everyone living “happily ever after.”
… And then the princess came home safe to hugs, kisses, and her favorite macaroni and cheese and broccoli for supper. And everyone lived happily ever after!
Tips to Make You a Star Storyteller:
• Make the main characters happy little animals. Pick names like Steven the Mouse or Mimi the Moose. Don’t use children as characters. They may seem too real for the under-five set.
• Tell stories where the weak triumph over the strong. Kids love the three little pigs defeating the wolf or Jack outsmarting the giant because the little, weak guys win in the end.
• Be a ham! Embellish your story with whispers, funny voices, dramatic faces, and some waves of your hands to keep your child’s attention.
• If your child is more verbal, ask for suggestions. While you tell the story, ask: “And what do you think she said then? Why do you think he was mad?”
• Have fun adding little “helpers.” Kids love angels, fairies, talking toads, or friendly trees who come to the hero’s rescue.
• Include an animal who is grouchy and mean (but not too scary). Include some characters who are a little ill-mannered and have them keep messing up (like “boobs”) but they ultimately learn how to behave and become the hero’s friend.
• Toss in lots of special words. Toddlers love words like “party,” “secret,” “castle,” “princess,” “superhero,” “flying,” “magic,” “presents,” “toys,” “surprise,” etc.
One mother shared the fairy tale she made up to help her toddler have less trouble separating from her in the mornings when she had to go to work:
“Once upon a time there was a little girl froggie named Hoppy. She was as green as peas and loved to eat cereal for breakfast with crunchy flies in it!
“Poor little Hoppy was worried every time her mommy hopped off the lily pad to go to work. But she had a talking teddy bear, and whenever she got sad she cuddled him tight and they would sing her favorite song together (‘Old MacDonald’!) … and play house … and sometimes even have a tea party!
“That helped Hoppy be happy. She was also happy when she put her hand in her pocket and touched the magic handkerchief that her mom gave her to help her smile when she was sad.
“Then, before she knew it, her mommy always always always came hopping back home to the lily pad with kisses and lots of yummy, sweet, crunchy flies to eat … and they all lived happily ever after.… The end!”
Plant Seeds of Kindness: Catching Others Being Good
Another “side-door” way to teach your child good behaviors is to comment when you see other kids (and adults) doing them. I call this catching others being good.
You will have many chances to use this skill. When you’re driving you can comment on how nicely the drivers wait at the red light … or take turns at the stop sign. At stores, notice how people buy yummy food but keep it closed until they get home. At school, notice how the big kids eat with forks or how they rub their hands really hard when they wash them.
This is not a big lecture, just some casual comments on things you see people doing in books and magazines. Parenting magazines are chock-full of photos of kids doing nice things … and bad things. (You can use this same technique to talk about behaviors you don’t like too.)
Later that day, let your child overhear you whispering to Daddy about what you saw and about how it makes you feel: “We saw a lot of people waiting quietly at the bank. I like it when people don’t keep pushing me when I am on line.”
You know you’re really succeeding when your child wants you to tell her more of the adventures of the characters you’ve created. (So do try to remember what you say!) Story by story, you will be creating a beloved childhood memory.
Plant Seeds of Kindness: Role-Playing
“Pretend you’re the mommy and I’m the little kid….”
Around your child’s second birthday he’ll start having his toys engage in little conversations and he’ll like pretending to be other people (or things)—Batman, a truck, a talking duck. Role-playing is a way to use these fun activities to plant more seeds of kindness through the “side door” of his mind.
What It Is: In role-playing, you and your child act out a situation (or use dolls to act out situations). Role-playing is great because there’s no pressure. Kids get to be silly, make mistakes, and have fun, even as they are learning.
Like actors who practice a lot to learn their lines, the more you role-play important life lessons with your child, the faster he’ll learn what is right and wrong and remember it and do it in the future.
Best Used For: Children around two to three years of age. That’s the time they become interested in pretending to be other people. (You can role-play with younger toddlers too, but you will have to play all the parts.)
How to Do It: As with fairy tales, you want your story to have a beginning, middle, and end to make it interesting. But besides that basic rule, you can create endless variations on role-playing and use anything that comes to mind.
Extra Tips for Role-Playing Fun:
• Old stories: Act out a familiar book or fairy tale.
• New stories: Make up a story based on an experience that you or your child just had: someone who wasn’t nice; a friend who refused to share; a little boy who wouldn’t get dressed.
• Puppet show: If your child is too young, or too shy, to play a role, pick up a couple of dolls (puppets work well too) and use them to play the parts. For example:
Dog (Mom in doggie voice): “Hey, Giraffe, I don’t like it when you take my toys. You always grab and I say, ‘No! No!’ But when you say ‘please’ I am HAPPY!”
Giraffe (Mom in giraffe voice): “Oopsie! I mean pleeeease can I play with the ball?”
Dog (Mom in doggie voice): “You said ‘please’! YEA! I like it when you say ‘please’.… Okay, here it is. Can I play with one of your toys too? Please.”
• Use gossiping: Have the dolls whisper back and forth (loud enough for your child to “overhear”). Make them talk about the behaviors that you want to encourage or discourage. (“Hey, Mr. Teddy, did you see Mommy’s face when Marley picked up her toys as quick as a bunny? Mommy was really happy and smiled big … like this!”)
Don’t look at your child while you gossip; it may make her suspicious that you are trying to manipulate her. Even though gossiping is done in a whisper, kids get the message loud and clear through the wide-open “side door” of their minds.
• Make a doll act like a boob. It’s easy to teach your lesson—and entertain your tot at the same time—if you have his doll act like a boob (confused, weak, silly, wrong, etc.).
“Hi! I’m Mr. Teddy, and I’m the smartest bear in the whole, entire, big, huge world! And I can walk in the street anytime I want!” Then have him pretend to walk in the street and have a little toy car screech out and knock him down.
Here’s how one dad used a minute of role-playing to teach his two-and-a-half-year-old the importance of hand washing—and prevent thirty minutes of struggle:
“One day before lunch, Jack and I were engaged in our usual battle over hand washing and I suddenly got the idea to see whether he might cooperate better if the hygiene advice came from his stuffed toy, Magic Bunny, instead of me. So I said, ‘Wait, Jack, wait! I need to ask Magic Bunny something.’ Then, I loudly whispered, ‘Hi, Magic Bunny, please help us. Lunch is ready and I said “Jack, let’s wash hands,” and he said “No way!” and I said “Okay, let’s ask Magic Bunny.” So, Magic Bunny, what do you think? Should Jack wash his hands?’
“Then I put my ear near the bunny’s lips, pretending to strain to hear his response. ‘What? What did you say? Oh … sure … okay. He should wash his hands, but then he should give me five … really hard? Okay!’
“Jack watched me, fascinated. I nodded my head and continued, ‘But can he do it fast? He wants to eat now? Okay, Magic Bunny, I’ll tell him. Thanks! I love you, too!’
“Then I turned to my son and relayed the message. ‘Hey, Jack, Magic Bunny said he wants you to wash your hands SUPERfast and then give me five … really hard! Then we can eat some yummy-licious food.’
“My son complied, and after lunch I gossiped to Magic Bunny about what a great job Jack did.”
Now that you’re becoming an expert at flashing a green light to signal all-systems-GO to good behavior, you’re well on your way to having fewer problems. But there will always be some problems. And in Chapter 6 I’ll discuss simple, effective ways to flash a yellow warning light to discourage the annoying things your toddler does.