“Pay attention to what you like and ignore or discourage the rest.”
—Karp’s law of successful parenting
Main Points:
• Toddler-ese is your toddler’s “native tongue.”
• You can translate anything into Toddler-ese with three simple steps: short phrases, repetition, and mirroring a bit of your child’s feelings (using your tone of voice and gestures).
• The more you practice Toddler-ese, the better you get at it.
• Amazingly, all of us automatically use Toddler-ese with our young children … when they’re happy. But we often forget to use it when they’re upset.
If you were the ambassador to China but only spoke Greek, trust me, you’d have problems! Likewise, talking with your toddler will be a hundred times easier once you learn the simple steps to translate your words into his “native” language: Toddler-ese.
I discovered Toddler-ese by accident. Like most pediatricians, I dealt with twenty tantrums a day from toddlers who hated being at the doctor’s. Then I began to notice that when I echoed a bit of the child’s upset feelings back—using a very simple style of language—I could usually convert their crying to laughter (or at least cooperation) in minutes … or less!
Toddler-ese—It’s Better Than Magic … It’s Real!
Clare, a Toddler-ese fluent mom, said, “There are rare occasions when nothing settles my raging two-year-old, but my 95 percent success rate with the Fast-Food Rule and Toddler-ese is nothing short of amazing!”
Toddler-ese is better than magic—it’s real and it works! It helps children feel cared about and understood. And when you combine Toddler-ese with the Fast-Food Rule, you will be able to prevent up to 90 percent of tantrums before they even happen and you’ll settle more than 50 percent of the meltdowns that do occur … in seconds! (You’ll be able to quickly handle the other 50 percent of tantrums by using the great skills taught in Chapter 8.)
Sound too good to be true? Fortunately, it’s not. In fact, most parents who try Toddler-ese usually see major improvements in their child’s behavior in just days.
Why Do Loving Words Often Flop with Fussy Tots? 
A pair of two-year-olds are fighting over a ball. Shelby, the mom of one boy, kneels down, and sweetly says, “Billy, Mommy knows you want the ball and you’re really mad, but it’s John’s turn and we have to share. Okay? Remember, we talked about sharing yesterday? You’ll get a turn, I promise, but first it’s John’s turn. Okay?”
Would you be shocked if I told you that Shelby’s wild toddler totally ignored her gentle words and lunged at the ball, scratching his friend’s face and shrieking, “Mine! Mine!”
Most parents are taught to answer their toddler’s screams with calm, quiet tones. It sounds kind. It sounds reasonable. Trouble is, it doesn’t usually work very well.
A calm voice is great when kids are happy. But it often flops when they’re upset because:
• They can’t “hear” well. Remember, strong feelings zap the brain’s language center. Crying kids see our lips moving, but our words sound jumbled to them, like gobbledygook.
• They feel misunderstood. Calmly refusing your tot the thing she’s begging for makes her think you don’t understand how much she wants it! So what does she do next? Blasts her message—louder and harder—to get the point across! Hmmm. Daddy doesn’t “get it!” I better yell so he knows exactly how I feel!
Shelby got steamrolled because her sentences were too long, complex, and emotionally flat. She would have been much more successful had she delivered her message in Toddler-ese.
Toddler-ese: It’s as Easy as 1, 2, 3
Toddler-ese turns adult language into simple messages that our little cave-kids understand … even during a frenzy.
You can translate anything you want to say into Toddler-ese with just three simple techniques:
• short phrases
• repetition
• mirroring—a bit—of your child’s feelings (with your tone of voice and gestures)
Let’s look at these one by one.
Toddler-ese Step 1: Short Phrases
Toddlers are uncivilized little people. And primitive people have primitive languages. Remember those Tarzan movies? “Come, Cheetah, come!” “No, Jane, no eat.”
Even adults get primitive when we’re upset. That’s why we say that someone who got really mad “went ape!” Strong feelings, like fear and anger, make us drop down an emotional elevator. And the more upset we get, the more primitive we become: Ding! Going down!
Well, the same thing happens to toddlers. Except the left half of the brain in young children starts out immature and primitive, so when they get upset, their behavior often gets absolutely prehistoric!
That’s why the first principle of Toddler-ese is to use very short phrases. The more upset your toddler is, the more simple your words need to be.
For young tots, or very angry older kids, start with one- to two-word phrases (using just the key words). For example, for an upset two-year-old:
| Instead of: | Say: | |
| “I know you feel mad about it.” | “You’re mad! Mad! Mad! ” | |
| “Did that doggie scare you?” | “Scared! Scared! Big doggie!” | |
| “You really want that candy, don’t you?” | “Candy! Candy! You want it … now!” |
These “bite-size” bits of lingo are perfect for a child’s stressed-out brain. (Of course, as your tot recovers, you will stretch your phrases back to normal.)
Toddler-ese Step 2: Repetition
Repetition is just as important as short phrases. That’s because upset toddlers often miss our initial words. You know the saying that adults go blind with rage? Well, toddlers go … deaf with rage.
Words whiz by your toddler’s brain too fast for her to handle when she’s in an emotional tangle. And the more upset she gets, the deafer she’ll seem. That’s why you’ll need to repeat the same short phrase three to eight times … just to get your upset toddler’s attention. Then, it helps to say it a few more times, to convince her you really understand.
Does this sound excessive? It’s not. In fact, many parents fail to soothe their child merely because they think acknowledging their child’s feelings just one time is enough. But when emotions slam shut the door of your child’s mind, you have to “knock” many times just for her to hear you and “let you in.”
Here’s how to do it: Imagine it’s raining, and your two-year-old, Sam, is desperate to go splashing in the mud. He’s crying at the door, struggling to reach the knob. In response you:
• Get down on his level and point to the door.
• Say: “You want … you want … you want outside! Outside now! Sammy says, ‘Go … go … go! ’ ”
If he keeps fussing, repeat your words a few more times. Soon he’ll turn to you, as if to say, Huh? You talkin’ to me?
As his crying lessens, stretch your sentences back to normal: “Sammy says, ‘Outside now!’ You really want to go out! You say, ‘Let’s go play, Mommy!’ ”
If you have voiced his feelings accurately, he’ll turn to you, look you right in the eyes, and think to himself: Bingo! That’s exactly what I want. Mom “gets it”!
As he calms a bit more, it becomes your turn to give a message (explanation, distraction, etc.; see this page):
“But no, sweetheart, noooo. It’s raining! Raining! Wet … yucky! Come with me! Let’s have a pillow fight. Come on! It’s fun!”
Toddler-ese Step 3: Mirror a Bit of Your Tot’s Intensity in Your Tone and Gestures
The first two parts of Toddler-ese are a big help, but the third is the magic key!
Your little one may not understand all your words, but she’s brilliant at reading your voice and face (a right-brain specialty). That’s why mirroring a bit of your child’s emotion with your tone of voice, facial expression, and body language lets you connect perfectly with her sweet spot!
• Voice. Use more oomph than normal, but speak at a lower volume than your child is using. Reflect some of the fear, frustration, and other emotions you hear in her tone of voice, at about a third of her intensity. (If your child is very shy or sensitive, you will probably have to use a bit less intensity.) Gradually bring your voice back to normal as she begins to calm.
• Face. Be expressive. Raise your eyebrows, shake your head, open your eyes, furrow your brow, purse your lips.
• Body language. Use lots of gestures. Wag a finger, wave your hands, point, shrug, stomp the ground.
A Gesture Is Worth a Thousand Words
Toddlers are really attentive to hand gestures, probably because they can gesture well before they can speak. In fact, their first communication (besides crying, giggling, and facial expressions) usually consists of pointing at something to indicate “I want it!” or “What’s that?” Most 9-month-olds wave bye-bye, but it often takes another year for them to say “Bye-bye!”
In English, the pointer finger is called the index finger. The word “index” comes from the Latin verb dicere, meaning “to say.” This ancient use of the hands to communicate is also reflected in Serbia, where the pointer is referred to as the kazhi perst, which translates as “talking finger.”
Some Tips for Mirroring Emotion 
Don’t Go Overboard
Some parents mirror 120 percent of their toddler’s tantrum, really hamming it up. Exaggerated displays may stop a child’s crying, but they work through distraction and mockery. That is not what I recommend. The goal of Toddler-ese is to calm children through understanding and respect. That happens by mirroring just a bit of their feelings.
Level the Playing Field
Kneel just below your toddler’s eye level. This simple gesture shows her you respect her and you care. If you want, you can ask your child to look you in the eyes (“Give me your eyes!”), but don’t try to push the issue. Children who are angry or ashamed often avoid meeting our eyes. Remember, the goal isn’t to break your child’s spirit. So don’t force the eye contact. If you treat your toddler with respect she’ll be able to look you in the eyes and return the respect to you by the time she’s school-age.
Tailor Your Response to Your Child
Your child’s temperament matters! Spirited kids are more emotional, so they need us to mirror more of their feeling—up to 50 percent. Shy kids are self-conscious and need us to mirror a bit less. In fact, they may feel mocked if we mirror their feelings too strongly. Age matters too. Generally, older toddlers need to be mirrored less dramatically than younger toddlers.
Fran tried Toddler-ese with her irate three-year-old, but she did it in a silly, singsong voice that made Camille even madder. When she thought about it, Fran realized that she was trying to make Camille laugh rather than make her feel heard and respected. Amazingly, as soon as Fran changed her tone to reflect the genuine distress Camille was feeling, Camille quieted in seconds!
When toddlers are upset, their left brains get unbalanced and they have trouble finding words for what they want to communicate. One way to help your child overcome this speaker’s block is for you to talk for her. Say what you think she’d say if she could. For example:
If your child resists having his teeth brushed, you might say: “Siena says, ‘Me do it! Me do it!’ ” If your child cries when the juice spills, you might say: “Brenda says, ‘My juice! My juice! I want my juice!’ ”
Another way to help your tot calm down is to describe what she is doing, as if you are a TV sportscaster “calling the action.” For example:
If your child is having a fit, you might say: “You’re sooo mad!! You’re on the ground … kicking! And your face is really sad! You wanted that toy and now you’re mad at Mommy!”
Good listening is your secret weapon. Successful parents, like successful ambassadors, build great relationships by communicating with love and respect (not power and put-downs).
Think of the FFR +Toddler-ese as the “Rescue Team” that helps you save your child when she’s lost in the jungle of her emotions. Instead of trying to coax her into calm with quiet tones, use some spirited Toddler-ese to connect with her. Then, as she begins to settle, gradually use a more normal voice to guide her back to “civilization.”
Now that you know the fine points of Toddler-ese, let’s go back to Shelby and the struggling two-year-olds (on this page), and let’s imagine what might have happened had she used Toddler-ese:
Kneeling down to her son’s level, Shelby put on a serious face, pointed at the ball three times in quick repetition, and using a strong voice said, “Ball! Ball! Ball! You want it! You want it now!” Her son calmed a bit and turned to look at her and Shelby continued in an energetic but caring voice, “But, noooo. No ball, honey. It’s John’s turn. John’s turn.” Billy was still frowning, but his shrieks had mellowed into whining. At that point, Shelby distracted them both: “Look! Wow! A jungle gym you can climb on! Wow! Come on, guys, let’s play with that.”
Of course, not all struggles end so easily, but more than half do … and that will make you feel pretty darn smart. (See “Stop Tantrums” on this page!)
Toddler-ese in Action
Sounds good in theory but what about in practice? I’ve seen the FFR +Toddler-ese help countless parents smooth their toddler’s ruffled feathers. Here are a few of their stories:
When Paris, a 20-month-old, whined for a cookie, here’s how his dad handled it:
Paris: I want! I want! I waaaaant!!!!!
Joe (kneeling down, with a serious but caring look, points two to three times to the jar and says with in animated voice): You want! You want! You want! You want cookie now!
Paris (reaches toward the cookies, grunting with impatience): Unh! Unh!
Joe (points to the jar two to three times in rapid succession and echoes the grunt): Unh … unh! You want! You want! (Paris looks right at his dad.)
Joe (in a calmer voice): Cookie … cookie! I know, Paris … but, no … no! No cookie now. (Opens eyes wide and, in a happy voice, changes the subject.) But, hey! Let’s play ball! Come on! Here it is … catch it!
Here’s how Iris helped her 2½-year-old reduce his tantrums:
“When Jason starts to scream, I jump in and describe why I think he’s upset. If I imitate a little of his feeling in my voice and face he sees I ‘get it’ and he usually settles … quickly.
“However, if I stop the Toddler-ese too soon, his wailing starts again, and I have to go back and do a little more. ‘Jason is still mad, mad, mad! He’s angrrrrry! Jason says, No, no … no!’ Your face is really mad!” When he starts to quiet and look at me, that’s the signal for me to take a turn to talk and offer my point of view or some solutions.
“Initially, his tantrums would last for five to ten minutes. Now, they end in seconds! He still needs a minute to two of my attention when he’s upset, but he gets back into a good mood much faster!”
For Leslie, Toddler-ese was her magic charm for surviving the “diaper-wars”:
“Last night at a restaurant, Nathan, 15 months, pooped, and I had to take his flailing little body out to the car to get a fresh diaper on him. As he screamed in protest, I tried to lovingly acknowledge his feelings: ‘I know you don’t want to leave the restaurant. I know you don’t like it.’ But he was so mad and squirmy that I couldn’t even change him.
“In desperation, I gave Toddler-ese a try. I made fists and started to sort of beat the air, mirroring a bit of his frustration in a strong voice (but not too loud), ‘You say, “No! No! No! No change, Mommy!” You hate it! You hate your pants down. It’s COLD!!! You’re maaaad!’
“Then the coolest thing happened. He suddenly looked at me, half amused and half mischievous, and began playing with the mobile hanging from the ceiling light. (I had earlier tried to get him to look at it … without success.) As I changed him, I distracted him with a continuous dramatic narration about everything I was doing. He stayed happy the whole time! Then I sang a little song and I danced him back to the restaurant … feeling like a perfect parent!”
Worried that this sounds like a lot of work? Relax! Toddler-ese is actually a lot less work. Once you get the hang of it you’ll be able to shorten or eliminate so many struggles that you’ll save time … energy … wrinkles … and gray hairs.
Toddler-ese May Seem Hard … but You’re Already an Expert!
I know Toddler-ese can feel odd at first. But would you believe that you already use Toddler-ese all the time? Almost all parents automatically use “Toddler-ese” when their child is … happy!
Imagine you’re in the park and your three-year-old bravely climbs to the top of the slide … for the very first time. Beaming a huge grin, she shouts, “Look, Mommy! Look! ”
Which of these two responses would feel more natural for you to make to her?
To flatly say, “Very good, mother is proud.”
To applaud and chirp in your best cheerleader voice, “Yea!
You did it! Good climbing! Wow! ”
For most parents the first is too stiff, but the second feels pretty normal. Well, that’s Toddler-ese! Amazingly, we instinctively automatically speak Toddler-ese when our kid does something to make us proud and happy! Too often, however, when she gets scared, mad, or sad, we suddenly become serious and stiff. Our voices get flat and ultracalm and we sound like emotional zombies, because we think that acting calm will calm our child. But this often backfires, because if we display no emotion when our child is really upset, she may feel misunderstood and alone just when she needs a friend.
It can take a little time and practice to get the hang of Toddler-ese. So, if you’re just learning and still feel self-conscious talking like that, no worries—just start out slowly. Use it first for the little ups and downs. Once you get more comfortable with it, gradually start using it for more turbulent upsets. I guarantee that you will love using it.
Watching Parents and Kids … in the Wild!
Here’s a fun way to help you see how other parents handle their toddlers’ struggles. Go to a park and look for kids who are upset (if it is a busy park, you should easily be able to find several). When a child cries, listen to what the mom (or dad) says. Does she repeat back her child’s upset (like the order-taker saying “Burger and fries?”) or does she jump too fast to her turn, using distraction, explanation, or name-calling?
“But Dr. Karp, I Sound Demented!”
Ernst and his Danish wife, Katrina, are the parents of two-year-old Rolf. A few months after explaining Toddler-ese to them, I asked if they’d tried it. Katrina said, “Toddler-ese feels funny for us—a little too dramatic. The Danes don’t like to go ‘over the top’ like that.”
Don’t be surprised if you too feel a bit awkward—okay, down-right weird—when you start using Toddler-ese … wherever you’re from. But I hope you’ll open your mind and try it anyway. I promise that your child will quickly become more patient, less defiant, and much happier.
But in case you are still feeling skeptical, here are some answers to common parental concerns that may help to ease your mind:
“It Feels Like Baby Talk.”
Toddler-ese isn’t baby talk. It’s toddler talk! Sure it’s immature, but when our uncivilized little kids “go ape,” their language-loving left brains temporarily stop working well. That’s why this simple speaking style is the best way to make them feel understood and loved.
Think of it this way: When you read to your little toddler, do you start out with books like War and Peace or even Charlotte’s Web? I doubt it. The books that most tiny tykes love usually have a literary style that’s no more complex than “Mmm, yummy apple” or “See Spot run!”
And besides, you’ll only be using Toddler-ese during times of upset. The rest of the day you’ll be chatting away with your little one in your normal style of speech. So don’t worry about stunting your child’s language skills; you won’t.
“I Worry I’ll Turn My Child into a Drama Queen.”
I know that some experts warn parents that paying attention to a child who’s acting up will only reinforce the misbehavior. They say we should turn away from the crying and turn back only when she stops, rewarding her self-calming with some loving attention.
I agree that kids who engage in prolonged periods of whining often need to be briefly ignored to avoid accidentally rewarding their behavior (see the Law of the Soggy Potato Chip on this page and kind ignoring on this page). But even if your child is overdoing it and “yanking your chain,” the best response is to start out by using the Fast-Food Rule—aimed at the sweet spot—to sympathetically acknowledge her feelings, and only resort to ignoring if the FFR doesn’t calm her down.
The world is tough and often disrespectful or uninterested in a child’s feelings. If you ignore your little one each time she’s very upset, she may come to believe that you’re not interested in her true feelings and learn to keep them buried deep inside.
“It Feels Like Teasing.”
In the past, you may have heard people mirroring someone’s feelings to mock or ridicule them. But Toddler-ese is actually the opposite of teasing. That’s because the mirroring is never overdone (remember the sweet spot) and is understated and performed with genuine compassion, sincerity, and respect.
“It Feels Like I Am Giving In to Bad Behavior.”
Absolutely not! Respectful listening doesn’t mean caving in or being a wimp. You can be both understanding and a tough disciplinarian: “Shari, I know Richard took your block and you’re mad, mad, mad! But, no scratch! No scratch! Stop now!”
Remember, there’s a huge difference between angry feelings and angry actions. Yes, you have to discourage misbehavior, but it’s superimportant that your child know that you understand how she feels, and you care, even if you disagree. Toddlers whose parents always acknowledge their fears and frustrations grow up emotionally healthy, feeling comfortable in their own skin.
“It Feels Embarrassing!”
Okay, I admit Toddler-ese is embarrassing! However, when your primitive little friend has a hissy fit in aisle six at the grocery store you’re going to be embarrassed no matter what. So, really, you have only two choices:
You can be embarrassed big-time as you drag your child out of the store (as she’s screaming and hitting and knocking things off the shelves), leaving your shopping undone and both of you mad.
Or, you can be embarrassed on a lesser scale as you get down on her level and mirror some of her upset for a minute. But with this second option, the tantrum will probably end fast, you’ll avoid lingering resentment, and you can get on with your plans.
Toddler-ese may draw stares from surprised passersby, but it works. And when other parents see how quickly your child calms, they’ll be asking you for pointers!
“It Feels Unnatural, Like I’m an Actor.”
Some parents say Toddler-ese feels unnatural, artificial, overly dramatic.
But in truth, we rarely talk to toddlers in a normal adult style. For example, do you matter-of-factly ask your tot, “How was breakfast?” Or do you sweetly chirp, “Mmm! Yummy, huh?”
When our kids are happy and excited we naturally reflect that in our voice and expressions. And when they’re a little bit sad we instinctively mirror that back in perfect Toddler-ese. So in most situations this approach feels totally comfortable. But when our kids are very upset, suddenly we forget our Toddler-ese and start speaking to them in an overly flat tone of voice because we think it will calm them down. But as far as they’re concerned, that is what’s really unnatural. And it’s not usually calming or reassuring anyway.
What Do You Do If Toddler-ese Doesn’t Work?
Toddler-ese is highly effective, but no single technique works 100 percent of the time. So, if you have tried the FFR +Toddler-ese and your child is still in orbit:
• First, make sure you did it right: If you missed your toddler’s sweet spot (too many words, too much or too little feeling, etc.) your toddler may keep on yelling. Try repeating her feelings again (three to eight times, depending on her age and level of upset) in your best Toddler-ese to see if that will make her whining abate.
• Next, consider another strategy: If she’s crying, but not being disruptive, try offering a hug, a quick solution to the upset, or kind ignoring (see this page). However, if she’s so mad that she’s breaking the rules, she may need a consequence (like a time-out, see this page).
The FFR +Toddler-ese: The Perfect Consolation Gift!
Interestingly, this approach often calms toddlers even when we don’t give them what they’re screaming for. That’s because the caring and respect we show by speaking with the FFR +Toddler-ese is a gigantic consolation prize.
Here’s what I mean: We must all learn that there will be thousands of things we want in life that we’ll never get. That’s disappointing, but we all eventually learn to deal with it. However, a much greater disappointment is to be deprived of the kindness, sympathy, and respect of the people we love.
Mastering Toddler-ese 
Practice Toddler-ese When Your Child Is in a Good Mood
When your tot asks you for something (that you’re happy to give), repeat his request using your best Toddler-ese. For example:
Your one-year-old opens her mouth and points up to your juice. You simply narrate his request in simple words, “Juice! Juice! You want juice. Okay, sweetheart, juice … here it is.”
Imagine How You Would Use Toddler-ese in an Upsetting Situation
Some parents find it helpful to practice Toddler-ese in front of a mirror or in their mind. For example:
Imagine your toddler is in the sandbox howling because his friend pushed him down. What would you say? (Remember the spokesperson and sportscaster techniques on this page.) What kind of voice would you use? How would you use your hands and face? Once he calms down, what might you say?
Rehearse with a Toy
After your child recovers from an upset, let him “overhear” you telling his teddy bear what just happened … in Toddler-ese. For example:
“Psst, hey, Teddy! Juan was sad! Sad! Juan’s ice cream fell. Gone-gone! Ice cream gone! Then I hugged him … like this (demonstrate hug). Now Juan is happy!”
Please be patient. All new skills feel odd at first. But the more you practice, the better you’ll get. Stick with it for a few days and soon your little one will look at you with delight, as if to say, “Yea! You understand! You’re awesome!”
When Does a Child Outgrow Toddler-ese?
Actually, Toddler-ese is not just for toddlers. It also works with older kids (and even adults), because when anyone gets really upset their eloquent left brain shuts down and their impulsive, impatient right brain takes over.
Here’s how you might echo the feelings of a frustrated six-year-old: “You say, ‘Go! ’ You’re finished with being here. Finished. You want to leave right now! And you’re not kidding.” This would definitely get her attention and help defuse the situation. Then, once she calms, you would return to the more mature language you usually use.
Older kids and teens (and adult men!) are particularly self-conscious about their feelings, so you only need to mirror a little bit of their emotion to hit their sweet spot.
Patty’s Story: A Parental Triumph
“The idea that our 26-month-old was a bit of a ‘cave-girl’ made perfect sense to my husband and me. So I tried Toddler-ese:
“One day, when Kira’s shower was over, she went ballistic! I love showers, so I could sympathize. With wide-open eyes and lots of nodding I pointed to the showerhead and said, ‘You want! You want! You want!! You want shower … now!’ She continued yelling, so I continued a tiny bit stronger. ‘You want shower! You want shower! You want it! You want it, now!’ Almost like magic, Kira responded immediately.
“Her crying stopped and she looked at my face with a hopeful glance. Then I softly said, ‘You want to stay! But no, nooooo. I’m so sorry, sweetheart, we need to go to school! And your dolly wants some yummy breakfast. So come on! Come on! Let’s get some food! Do you want eggies or crunchies [cereal] today?’
“After one more fake cry, Kira let me dry and dress her while I discussed our exciting plans for the day.
“Now whenever Kira resists getting dressed and shouts, ‘Me do!’ I turn on the Toddler-ese: ‘Kira says, “Me do! Me do!” You want to do it yourself!’ Kira totally gets it. She nods her head and smiles with relief. And as she struggles to put on her shirt, she just lets me slide on her pants and socks.
[“A bonus gift that we’ve gotten from Toddler-ese is that we have more fun together. It has made me feel like a genius!”
Now that you know these effective communication basics, it’s time for a few more skills! The next part of the book will teach you how to increase your child’s good (green-light) behaviors and how to stop the bad (yellow- and red-light) ones … fast!