“What makes me mad? Days when buttons won’t go straight and I want to stay up late and I hate what’s on my plate.”
—Catherine and Laurence Anholt, What Makes Me Happy
Main Points:
• Tantrums are normal but avoidable.
• Tantrums peak between 18 and 24 months and again at around three and a half years of age.
• Tantrums “push our buttons” and make many of us overreact.
• To stop half of your toddler’s tantrums in seconds: Connect with respect, and if that fails, add kind ignoring.
• To prevent 50 to 90 percent of outbursts from even happening: 1) avoid problem situations, 2) connect with respect … all day, 3) feed the meter, and 4) teach patience-stretching.
“Tess is bilingual—she talks and screams.”
—Ted, dad of 20-month-old Tess
All toddlers have tantrums.… It’s normal!
These little explosions can make us feel frustrated and attacked, but please don’t take the wailing and flailing personally. Tantrums are not a sign that you’re a bad parent or that you have a bad child. Even adults drop down an emotional elevator and act uncivilized when we’re upset. But remember, our toddlers are pretty uncivilized to begin with, so when they get upset they often scratch, spit, shriek, and act totally prehistoric!
The good news is that the techniques in this chapter will help you to defuse most “screaming meanie” attacks as fast as a bomb squad.
But before looking at how to stop and prevent your toddler’s meltdowns, I want to make sure you understand why almost all toddlers tantrum from time to time.
Why Do Toddlers Have Tantrums?
Tantrums usually peak at 18 to 24 months, subside a little, and then peak again around three and a half years. At these ages your child’s brain is virtually bubbling over with an intense and explosive mix of primitive impulses: greed, stubbornness, aggression, and impatience. And when you combine the “nitro” of your tot’s passionate “Mine!” with the “glycerine” of your adamant “No way!” … you’ve got some really, really powerful TNT. Kapow!
Other factors that push our sweet little toddlers into maniac mode include:
They Don’t Speak Well. Wouldn’t you get frustrated if you lived somewhere you couldn’t speak the language? Well, your toddler also gets irritated when she can’t communicate. No wonder little kids with limited language skills often resort to nontalking forms of communication like foot stomping, arm waving, eye bulging, and screaming!
We Set a Bad Example. Venting your anger in front of your child may train her to scream more. She’ll learn that unleashing her rage is totally fine. After all … Mommy does it.
They Get Stuck in an Emotional Corner. For many little Tarzans, forcing them to give in can make them feel humiliated. When their primitive sense of pride gets bruised, they go bonkers. The harder these kids struggle against us, the more they get painted into an emotional “corner,” unable to gracefully back down and recover from their upset.
Jeev, 18 months, was a gentle boy, but he could still act pretty uncivilized. He loved eating whole pears … but one day his mom, Suparna, cut his pear in pieces because it was extra juicy. His response? He grabbed the plate and hurled it at his mom’s head! Suparna realized her “mistake” and immediately offered Jeev a whole pear. And what did this little cave-kid do? He scowled, shook his head No! and refused to even look at it.
Like Jeev, your toddler may get so upset she paints herself into a corner, unable to give in, even when you offer exactly what she’s asking for. That’s why respectful, diplomatic skills are so great. They help our tots escape from this predicament with their pride intact.
They Have “Temper” Temperaments. Intense and spirited toddlers have bigger meltdowns because, well, they do everything bigger. You can’t change your child’s temperament, but the tips in this book will help you keep him from exploding into anger with every frustration and disappointment.
Our World Is Simultaneously Too Exciting … and Too Boring. Your toddler’s immature brain may get overloaded by noisy DVDs and fast-paced TV. Yet at the same time, she may get bored spending a lot of time at home. Remember, up until 200 years ago, toddlers usually spent many, many hours a day playing outdoors.
Tantrums Work! When we give in to outbursts (or pay too much attention to them), our kids learn that screaming gets them what they want. Younger toddlers recognize this sub-consciously, but older ones often learn to intentionally use fits to get their way.
Today’s parents face many tough challenges. On top of working full-time jobs outside the home (which over half of all moms with kids under the age of three do), they cook and clean and do housekeeping chores, and they may be responsible for the care and feeding of their parents and/or grandparents, too. These days, most parents shoulder these responsibilities without much assistance from neighbors, kin, babysitters, or other hired help.
Whew! No wonder it feels like you’re giving 120 percent … you are.
You try so hard. You do so much. That’s why it can really push your buttons when your toddler turns into a screaming red-eyed bully. It can feel so unfair—even humiliating—especially if she pelts you with mean words, like “I hate you!” or “You’re stupid!”
Our toddler’s rage can suddenly push us over the edge into our own impulsive, irrational rage.
We’ve all been there, but when it happens we must try to remember to breathe and say to ourselves: My child is the caveman.… I’m a civilized adult.
And as a civilized adult, you must try to stay calm and not return your child’s outbursts with sarcasm, humiliation, or removal of your love … and certainly not with violence. (Review Chapter 2 for more ideas on how to handle your strong feelings.)
Why Does My Three-Year-Old Still Have Tantrums?
As kids get older and more verbal, their tantrums occur less and less. Yet many three-to-four-year-olds (and teens) have occasional meltdowns. That’s because:
1. They still struggle with impulse control. Older toddlers are increasingly well behaved. But after a long day, your child may lose control and scream with the force of Old Faithful (especially if he has a spirited temperament).
2. They are emotional yo-yos. Three-year-olds are no longer babies, but they’re not quite big kids. They sometimes yo-yo back and forth between these two developmental stages so much that they totally fall apart: “I’m a baby!… I’m a big kid!” Yikes! Think of it as emotional whiplash (for him and you).
3. They see outbursts at home. If there is lots of quarreling in your family (or violence displayed on TV), your child may defy you more because he’s learned that arguing is a normal way to express frustration.
Stop Tantrums … in Seconds: The Happiest Toddler Way
Here is an effective way to lovingly halt most toddler tantrums … in under a minute. By now, these tantrum-calming skills should sound quite familiar. They’re as close to a magic wand as you’ll ever get.
Stop a Tantrum by Connecting with Respect
When your toddler starts to lose it, the first thing you should do is connect with respect. Squat down to his level and echo back a bit of his feelings by using the Fast-Food Rule and Toddler-ese. (Remember to use your tone of voice and gestures to reach your child’s sweet spot.) Practice this several times on small eruptions before trying it out on a major outburst. Amazingly, at least 50 percent of the time this simple step alone will quell tantrums in seconds.
“Mad … mad … mad! Sara mad! Sara wants cookie … now! Cookie!!”
Parents who respond by immediately voicing their adult views or distraction are like impatient fast-food order-takers who jump right to their message (“You owe five dollars”) without repeating the order. That’s why answering your two-year-old’s whines for a premeal cookie by narrating her feelings (“Cookie! Cookie! You want cookie! You want cookie, now!”) provokes less crying than jumping right to your message, “No, honey. No cookies before dinner!”
Once your child begins to quiet, it becomes your turn to give a message (“But nooo, sweetheart. You know the rule: Cookies are after dinner.”).
Linda used this approach to neatly sidestep a potentially unsafe struggle when her toddler loudly protested getting out of the bathtub:
“Our three-year-old, Jasmine, hates getting out of the tub. She would stay in there all day if she could. One day, when it was time for her to get out I gave her the two-minute warning and the one-minute warning. Then I turned the water off and she freaked and started yelling, ‘No! No! I don’t want to get out; I don’t want to get out.’
“I remembered the Toddler-ese and I energetically waved my finger, frowned a bit, and echoed her words, ‘No, no, no! I don’t want to get out! I want to stay in the bathtub! I don’t want to get out!’
“I was stunned! Within seconds, she just looked at me and stopped crying.
“Then, in a calmer voice I said, ‘Jasmine, I know you don’t want to get out, but it’s time to go; we have to get ready to see Daddy.’ And she stood up and got out. Then I dried her fast and played dolls with her for a few minutes to thank her for her cooperation. It was great.”
After you give your message, you can encourage your child to be even more cooperative in the future if you take a moment to feed her meter with a little distraction or a win-win compromise:
• Distraction: Once your child starts to calm, offer a bit of fun (like attention, a hug, a snack, or playing the boob). Playing the boob, for example, shows your tot that even though she had to give in to you this time, there are plenty of other times when she gets to be faster/smarter/stronger than you.
Point at her shoe and beg her, in a pitiful voice, to give it to you. When she hesitates, throw your hands down like you “give up” and say, “Okay, you win, you always win me.” A few seconds later, beg for her shoe again and let her reject you again. Kids love when we’re boobs and they get to reject our silly requests.
• Offer a win-win compromise: Right after you squelch a tantrum, help your child save face by offering her some type of compromise. This little deal shows your toddler that even though she lost the argument you have respect for her and she can still hold her head up high.
“Cracker … cracker … You want cracker! You want cracker … right now! No crackers now, honey, but after your carrots you can have more crackers. Should you get two or three?”
But … what if all your good communication is met with even louder bawling? Then it’s time to offer a hug, solve the problem, or do a little kind ignoring:
• Offer a hug. Your toddler may just be having a bad day … we’ve all been there. Try offering your upset child a hug, but be prepared to duck (just in case your irate little Tarzan takes a swing at your nose). Some parents soothe their flailing furious toddlers by giving a bear hug from behind—restraining the arms—while they repeatedly whisper in the ear things like “You’re really, really mad.” “You say, ‘No, no, no!’ ”
• Solve the problem. Occasionally, if you’re really in a time crunch, it’s okay to give in. For example, you might say to your upset three-year-old, “You’re so sad! You really want a cookie … now! The rule is no cookies before dinner … but you were so helpful picking up your toys this morning, Mommy will bend the rule—a tiny bit—and give you one cookie. Do you want it in a napkin or on a plate?”
• Kind ignore. If your uncivilized little friend is still flailing on the floor, most of the time your best tactic will be to lovingly give her the cold shoulder—kind ignoring (Kind Ignoring: Give Your Tot a Little Cold Shoulder). Here’s how:
• Use Toddler-ese one last time … then lovingly say you’re leaving for a little while.
Be caring, but matter-of-fact. Avoid threats, sarcasm, or shaming. Kind ignoring makes it clear that you understand, but you’re not giving in.
• Pretend to be busy doing something for twenty seconds.
• If your child starts to calm, quickly turn to your tot and offer some Toddler-ese, a hug, and a nice time-in (“You were really sad.… You wanted the ball and Mommy said ‘No!’ But come on … let’s play with your trains. Do you want to be Thomas or Henry?”).
• If your child is still crying after twenty seconds of being ignored, return and echo again how she’s feeling. Many kids get so upset that they need us to do kind ignoring two to three times before they start to settle.
A few spirited kids just won’t stop crying even after you come and go a few times. They have trouble giving in because it hurts their pride. If your child is one of these stubborn kids, you may need to ignore him for two to five minutes until he starts to calm. Keep a watch on him out of the corner of your eye or in a mirror. Once he stops crying and starts to play with something, just sit on the ground near him (to show respect). Don’t be in a rush to talk or make eye contact; remember, he’s probably still mad. Then, start to reconnect by slowly joining in his activity. Don’t talk about the tantrum yet. Just reward the now-good behavior with a bit of your attention. That will help him get over his pouting and open his heart again.
Public Meltdowns: How Not to Panic in the Streets 
Public tantrums are especially tough because, well, they’re so public. They make us feel like we’re under a magnifying glass and everyone is staring at our flaws. What’s more, many toddlers turn up the shrieking if we seem embarrassed or unsure how to respond.
Avoiding aisle-three meltdowns is a lot easier if you plan ahead. Keep your trips short, organized, and timed to when your child will not be tired or hungry. (Meandering aimlessly through a mall is sensory overload for a little Stone Age brain.) Also, make waits easier by bringing along little snacks or treats (like stickers, drawing materials, or “tagalong” toys that your child gets only when you are out on errands). If, however, these best of intentions don’t work out as planned, you can stop tantrums fast … the Happiest Toddler way. Here’s a great example of how one mother used connecting with respect to short-circuit her child’s tantrum.
Sandy brought Corey, 22 months, to the toy store while his sister, Chrissy, shopped for a present. It was their third stop that morning. Sandy sat Corey before a display of toy trains, keeping a close watch while she helped Chrissy.
When it was time to go, Corey refused. Sandy made a weak stab at using the FFR. “I know you don’t want to go, sugar, but we’re late and I don’t have time for this right now.”
Then Sandy went to pick Corey up and he erupted in tears. The clerk frowned, Chrissy moaned, and Sandy checked her watch. Corey should have had lunch and a nap an hour earlier.
Ignoring the stares of the other shoppers, Sandy realized she needed to do a better job of connecting with respect. Kneeling next to him, she exclaimed, “You say, ‘No! No, no, nooooo!’ You say, ‘No go home! No! Corey likes trains!’ Corey says, ‘No go home!’ ”
Corey’s crying weakened a bit and he stopped flailing, so Sandy continued. She stomped her foot, shook her head, and waved her arms to echo some of her son’s intensity. “You say, ‘No! No, no, no! Nooooo!’ You say, ‘NO go home! Corey not ready!’ ” Magically, Corey stopped crying.
Then Sandy dropped her voice to a whisper. “Hey! Psssst! Hey! Let’s play train. We’ll be the train.… Choo-choo! Choo-choo! Let’s choo-choo all the way to the car.”
Chrissy was so embarrassed that she pretended she didn’t know her chug-a-chugging mother and brother, but Corey was thrilled to make train noises and held on to his mom’s hips all the way out the door.
See the section on tantrum triggers (Step 1: Avoid Problem Situations) for more tips on tantrum prevention.
A Scary Tantrum Side Effect: Breath-Holding
Q: My toddler screamed so hard he passed out! I was terrified. How can I keep that from ever happening again?
A: Breath-holding during a tantrum looks really scary, but fortunately it’s usually not a big deal. Typically what happens is that young toddlers (15- to 30-month-olds) suddenly get upset (mad, scared, or startled) and try to cry, but although their mouths open, no sound comes out. For thirty to forty seconds, they keep getting bluer (or paler) until they pass out. (Sometimes the body may twitch a little too.)
In essence, these kids “forget” to breathe! But the instant they pass out, their breathing starts again automatically, and they revive in seconds.
If you can reach your child before he passes out, wet your hand and sprinkle a little cool water right in his face or puff hard a few inches from his face for several seconds (like you’re blowing out birthday candles). This can often prevent a spell and make the child gasp, sputter, and start breathing.
Simple breath-holding spells are not dangerous. There is no risk of injury (as long as they don’t fall and hit their heads). Nevertheless, you should immediately call your doctor to make sure it wasn’t due to a seizure or other medical condition (like anemia). Ask if your child needs an iron supplement to keep the spells from happening again.
How to Eliminate Most Tantrums … Before They Even Start!
Being able to calm tantrums in seconds will make you feel great, but you’ll feel like the best, smartest, and happiest parent ever when you can stop the tantrums before they happen!
Now you’re ready to join the thousands of parents who have eliminated 50 to 90 percent of their young child’s tantrums in less than a week. The four key steps are:
1. Avoid problem situations.
2. Connect with respect … all day long.
3. Feed the meter.
4. Teach patience-stretching and magic breathing.
Step 1: Avoid Problem Situations
Nobody knows your toddler better than you. So I bet you already have a pretty good idea of which situations knock him off balance. The trick is to think ahead and be prepared.
The most common avoidable tantrum triggers are:
• Fatigue. Many kids get ornery if they miss their nap or sleep poorly at night.
• Hunger. Some kids get fussy if their meal is even thirty minutes late (low blood sugar). The moms of these sensitive tykes need to carry emergency snacks, like crackers and cheese, in the diaper bag.
• Caffeine and stimulants. Many kids bounce off the walls after having caffeinated drinks (cola, iced tea, chocolate milk). In addition, too much sugar or decongestants in cold medicines can also be monster-makers.
• Being cooped up. Toddlers thrive on outdoor play. Little cave-kids who don’t get to roam the jungle (your backyard or the park) two or three times a day often get unbearably grumpy.
• Being ignored. Toddlers often act up when we ignore them for too long. That is why feeding the meter by playing the boob and giving time-ins—several times an hour—can miraculously reduce your child’s need for time-outs.
• Being overtempted. If you live in a house with lots of attractive breakables, your little one may just not have enough self-control to keep his hands off things.
• Unexpected changes. Shy or sensitive kids may go bonkers when they have to deal with unexpected changes. You can sidestep problems with these little “princess and the pea” people by reviewing your next day’s plan, mentioning any changes in routine that might occur.
• Tension and violence. Keep the peace in your house. Many toddlers model the violence they see on TV or when their parents fight at home.
Step 2: Connect with Respect … All Day Long
Don’t just use your good communication skills to handle emotional explosions. Try to use the FFR and Toddler-ese dozens of times a day. Use them even when you’re just dealing with a minor upset or a small request. For example, when your 18-month-old asks for juice, smile and narrate back his desire in a cheery voice, “You say, juicey! You love your juicey, mmm! Okay, sweetheart, here’s your juice.”
Help your child learn by your example as you use the FFR with others (other children, your partner … even your child’s stuffed animals!). And comment to him about the feelings of people you see in magazines or in public. (“Honey, look how that man is whistling and happy! What do you think he is so happy about?”)
Sure, all this takes a few extra seconds, but it pays off in ways big and small. Besides, your good communication will help your toddler learn how to talk and teach that loving people speak to each other with respect.
Step 3: Feed the Meter
Little 18-month-olds take—and take—and then they pressure us for more! They have short memories and forget the caring attention and fun play you just shared two hours before. (Remember, two hours feels like six to an impatient toddler.) But they need frequent bits of our loving attention as much as flowers need water and sunshine. That’s why feeding the meter with green-light techniques—several times an hour—is such a powerful tool for preventing tantrums.
Parents who feed the meter many times a day make their kids feel smart, strong, respected, and loved. And, when kids feel like winners, they instantly become more cooperative.
Use: time-ins (like attention, play, praise, gossip, hand checks, stickers, hand stamps), confidence builders (like respectful listening, offering options, playing the boob), fun routines (like special time and bedtime sweet talk), and planting seeds of kindness (like fairy tales, catching others being good, and role-play).
Can small steps like playing catch, being a boob, and little nightly massages really head off conflicts? Yes! Your toddler understands that the more play and attention you give him—and the more you build his confidence—the more co-operation he owes you.
But remember this key point: Your child’s idea of what’s fair is when he wins 90 percent of the time (see The 90-10 Compromise: Your Toddler’s Idea of What’s Fair). So if you let him feel smart and cared about oodles of times a day and let him get his way on many little “conflicts” you don’t really care about (like what socks to wear or what book to read first), he’ll give in much more (like eating a bite of vegetables or holding hands when you cross the street).
Step 4: Teach Patience
This fourth step, teaching patience, is critically important to preventing tantrums. Patience-stretching and magic breathing help our little cave-kids strengthen their brains’ ability to control their primitive impulses. Children who learn to be patient just a little bit longer automatically become calmer and more reasonable. And that extra minute or two of your tot’s patient waiting is often just enough for you to finish the chore you’re working on (get off the phone, finish tossing the salad, etc.).
Please review the instructions for teaching patience-stretching and magic breathing (Teaching Patience: Patience-Stretching and Teaching Patience: Magic Breathing). Practice patience-stretching several times a day (with older tots also do magic breathing once or twice a day). Within a week, you’ll be thrilled with your child’s growing ability to handle frustrations and delay his need for instant gratification.
Each time your little friend patiently waits for something, reward his cooperation with a tiny time-in or some playing the boob so he knows his efforts are appreciated.
Aneta and Tony were struggling on a daily basis with their three young boys. Oliver, the oldest, was a great guy, but he had always been a strong-willed handful. So when the twins, Lucas and Mattheo, entered toddlerhood, Aneta started to feel “triple-teamed.”
Aneta came to my office asking for help with discipline, especially to get control of two-year-old Lucas, who was driving them crazy with his screams, demands, and defiance. I taught her the Fast-Food Rule and Toddler-ese and the Happiest Toddler tricks for stopping tantrums, and we put together a plan to start feeding the twins little one-minute bits of fun (attention, play, gossip, playing the boob, etc.) a couple of times an hour and one five-minute special time a day for each of the boys. And as she left, I asked Aneta to keep track of the number and intensity of the outbursts for the next week.
Aneta immediately started feeding the meter by paying attention to the boys when they were good and using kind ignoring and time-outs to handle the meltdowns. She and Tony particularly liked gossip, patience-stretching, and special time, and after a couple of days they started to feel more comfortable with Toddler-ese and playing the boob.
I was supposed to call Aneta at the end of the week to check on her progress, but she beat me to the punch and called me one day early … almost giggling with a feeling of success! She said that initially Lucas’s tantrums escalated for two days, but then the kind ignoring worked like a charm to reduce his eruptions from several minutes to just seconds. But even better, all the kids were being more patient and about 75 percent of all the tantrums had just disappeared! She proudly exclaimed, “They’re happier kids and we’re a happier family!”
You can be sure that many people will give you many tips on handling temper tantrums. Of course, you’ll need to be strict with your children from time to time, but as you practice the advice in this chapter you’ll soon see that the best way to convert a wild child into a happy tot is not with threats and force, but with respect, encouragement, consistency, and play.
The time you spend with your children is the best, smartest investment you will ever make. All the generosity you give now will be repaid to you and your family and community one hundred times in the future. As your child grows up, you’ll avoid countless arguments, lies, struggles, and dangerous displays just because you made this investment of time and effort to learn how to give your child a loving, happy start to life.
Now that you’re getting tantrums under control, you’re ready to learn how to combine all the techniques you mastered in the previous chapters to help you expertly handle almost any other situation your toddler throws your way.