“Spare the discipline, spoil the child.”
—T. Berry Brazelton
Main Points:
• All toddlers do “bad” things … sometimes.
• Acts that are dangerous or aggressive or that break important family rules are red-light behaviors.
• Red-light behaviors require prompt and clear limit setting.
• Put the brakes on your toddler’s red-light deeds with a “take-charge” consequence: time-out or giving a fine.
• Time-outs work the best when started early and done exactly right.
• For older toddlers, giving a fine (losing a valued privilege or possession) is a useful penalty.
• Effective discipline does not require resorting to spanking, intimidation, or humiliation.
When we respectfully reward good acts and punish bad behaviors, our kids learn the rules … fast! So, now that you know how to boost good (green-light) behaviors and reduce annoying (yellow-light) ones … you’re ready to learn how to stop the totally unacceptable (red-light) ones.
Three Red-Light Behaviors You Must Stop … Fast
There are three types of bad behaviors that go beyond the “annoying” category and need to be stopped in their tracks.
• Dangerous acts: Running into the street, grabbing hot coffee, playing with knives—any behavior that puts your child (or someone else’s) in harm’s way.
• Aggression: Hitting, spitting, kicking, biting, and other mean acts.
• Breaking key family rules: These are rules you get to choose. Some of them might fit just about all families (like no drawing on the walls), but others vary from home to home, for example, no eating in the living room, no touching the computer, no calling your brother an idiot.
All of these behaviors demand swift action, often with a “take-charge” consequence: time-out or giving a fine.
Stopping bad behaviors doesn’t mean rolling up your sleeves and fighting your child mano a mano. Like the world’s top ambassadors, you can stop most conflicts by establishing clear consequences in a respectful manner. So put away your boxing gloves, and read on to sharpen up your diplomatic skills.
Flash a “Red Light” on Bad Behaviors 
Susan is at her wit’s end. Her 18-month-old, Shane, used to be so easy. But now he gets furious when he can’t have his way. “Lately Shane hits when he’s mad. Distraction doesn’t work anymore. I don’t want to spank him, but what should I do when he looks right at me … and disobeys?”
If you’ve mastered the yellow-light techniques, but your primitive little buddy is still plowing right through the limits, you must either fix the problem that’s making your child so ornery (see avoiding problem situations on this page) or back up your words with a clear negative consequence: punishment.
Punishment is merely a negative response that tells a child when she has crossed a boundary. In truth, it’s your responsibility to take control of her behavior when she is unable (too upset or too mischievous) to respect your rules. Remember, this is not something you are doing to your child; she is the one who’s bringing the consequences upon herself.
Why Good Kids … Do Bad Things
It’s hard to be good all the time … even for adults! No wonder our little tykes have days when their impulsive, primitive nature takes control and makes them do things they shouldn’t. Here are some of the reasons why good kids do bad things:
The Classical Roots of Discipline and Punishment
Parents often find it eye-opening to discover that the word “discipline” comes from the Latin verb discere, meaning “to learn,” and the word “punish” comes from the ancient Greek word for “payment” or “penalty.”
Some parenting experts say that discipline and punishment are harsh and demeaning, that they consist of big people forcing their will on small people. I understand their point. Too many adults try to stop their child’s misbehavior in a rough and insulting way. However, when done respectfully, discipline and punishment are a positive experience for little children because they help them to learn. They back up our limits with consistency and reassure our kids that we’re in charge. In my experience, children who know that their parents won’t allow their “wild side” to rule the family or put them in danger grow up healthier and happier.
• Toddlers can’t explore without testing the rules. Your tot is an ace explorer—persistent and gutsy. His job is to touch, bang, and pull everything. That is annoying to you because it makes him constantly push the limits. However, from his point of view, you are irritating because you’re trying to stop his greatest joy—discovery.
• Toddlers are impulsive. You can’t expect an 18-month-old, or even a three-year-old, to use good judgment (like not eating medicine, or holding hands in a parking lot). Toddlers live in the “now,” and their immature brains don’t focus much on the consequences.
• Our threats paint kids into a corner. Trying to force defiant tykes to obey often backfires. Our pressure makes them feel painted into a corner, unable to give in without feeling humiliated. That’s why threats often trigger more defiance (and hurt the relationship we work so hard to build), especially in toddlers who are temperamentally challenging and stubborn to begin with.
• Our limits are inconsistent and confusing. Mushy limits invite kids to push against them. (Your child thinks, Sometimes this is allowed and sometimes not. Let’s see if I can do it now.) They get especially confused when our limits make no sense … to them: What? I love jumping on the sofa more than anything in the world—and you want to stop me? Don’t you love me anymore?
• Our rules are unrealistic. Many toddlers act “bad” if our expectations are too high. Would you demand good table manners from a six-month-old? Of course not! Well, similarly, it’s unrealistic to expect an 18-month-old to share, a two-year-old to never lie, or a three-year-old to sit still in church.
• Toddlers are overexposed to aggression. Little kids love to imitate, and that includes bad stuff like shouting and hitting. Make it your job to protect your child from seeing violence on TV, in your community, and between the members of your family.
• Toddlers have too many stresses. Stress can turn a kind kid into a cave-kid. When your child is acting up, ask yourself: Is my child hungry? Bored? Tired? Overloaded with rules? Sick? Teething? Surrounded by temptations? Cooped up? Wild from something in his diet (cola/chocolate/iced tea/sugar/decongestants)? Jealous? Are there extra stresses at home (new baby, new sitter)?
• You’re giving too little play and attention. Busy parents accidentally teach their little ones to be defiant or disrespectful by ignoring them when they are good. Thomas Gordon in his book Parent Effectiveness Training calls this the Law of the Soggy Potato Chip (just as kids would rather have soggy potato chips than none at all, toddlers would rather be yelled at than ignored).
When your child is engaged in red-light behaviors, there are two “take-charge” consequences you can use to put on the brakes: time-out and giving a fine. Let’s look at each of them in detail….
Time-out is a classic discipline tactic. It is not a sign of failure—yours or your child’s. Toddlers are supposed to push the limits. But we need to be ready to give clear signals when they push too far.
Toddlerhood is the most dangerous period of childhood—at least until your child gets his first dirt bike! And it is your job to teach your tot to be careful. Time-outs train toddlers to take our words seriously and to heed our warning before a catastrophe occurs.
Take running away from you in a parking lot, for example. Perhaps your child dashes off the instant you start putting groceries in the trunk. Of course you’ll run after him, but that may make him run even faster … thinking it’s a game of chase. What you really want is a special signal that your child always listens to, one that means Stop, now! Or you won’t like what happens next. Time-out is the way of teaching your child that your warnings must be heeded.
During the months after a child’s first birthday, I recommend doing time-outs several times a week. That helps your tot learn your I’m not kidding! signal. Your serious tone of voice, disapproving frown, and counting to three will make him remember, Uh-oh … when my mom counts like that I always get grounded.… I better stop!
What It Is: Time-out is a “take-charge” consequence where you very briefly deprive your child of two precious things: freedom and the privilege of being with you.
Best Used For: All toddlers! (I advise teaching time-outs at the one-year checkup and strongly recommend that parents use them many times over the following months.)
How to Do It: Time-out requires one piece of equipment—a timer—and has three simple steps (Note: For dangerous or really bad behavior you can skip right to step 3):
Step 1: One last warning. Use clap-growl and connect with respect one last time, to get your child’s attention and show that you care. If the problem stops, silently congratulate yourself—you sidestepped a conflict.
For example, if your two-year-old is having a meltdown at the dinner table because you won’t let him play with the sugar bowl, clap-growl, frown, and shake your head “no” (even do a double take). Once you have his attention say, “Mad. Mad. Jamie’s mad at Daddy. He’s mad, mad, mad! Jamie wants the sugar, now! But … no sugar! No sugar! But you know what? Daddy’s gonna let you hold something else. Do you want to hold a piece of bread or your police car?”
Step 2: Count to three. If your child ignores your warning, put on a serious face and calmly echo his desire; then say “No,” and count to three. (Wait one to two seconds between each number and count on your fingers too, so your child can see and hear you at the same time. “Jamie says, ‘Sugar, now!’ but Daddy says, ‘No way.’ Does Jamie want a time-out to get calm again? One … two … three …”)
You want your child to learn that the time-out is something he’s doing to himself (not something you’re doing to be mean). Think of it like a sports time-out … a short break in the action: “I guess you want a little time to cool off.”
If your child stops misbehaving before you get to three, don’t do a time-out. Reward his cooperation with some FFR and feeding the meter with a little time-in, playing the boob, or a hand check. Later on, compliment his good listening with a bit of praise and gossip, and a little bedtime sweet talk before you turn out the lights.
Step 3: Put your child in isolation. Now the time for talking is over. Calmly lead him (or, if you have to, carry him) to the time-out place: “Come with Daddy so you can get calm again.”
Twenty-two-month-old Phoebe loved her mom’s fancy high-heel shoes. Several times a day she begged to put them on. But her mom, Charlene, was afraid they’d be ruined.
After learning about The Happiest Toddler, Charlene tried the new approach. She narrated her daughter’s desire four to five times (reflecting enough of her emotion to hit the “sweet spot”). Then she offered a solution: Phoebe’s choice of three other pairs of shoes. But Phoebe’s eyes were locked on to her favorite ones as she wailed pitifully, “Choos! Choos!” over and over … and over!
After 20 seconds of connecting with respect, Charlene changed her tactic to kind ignoring. Energetically pointing to the shoes, she exclaimed, “Shoes! Shoes! You want shoes. You want shoes now! But Mommy says, ‘No! No shoes!’ So you go ahead and cry—I love you so much—and I’ll be back in just a minute.”
Phoebe got so mad she gave a glass-shattering shriek and started to knock things off the table. At that point, Charlene decided that Phoebe was breaking an important family rule and needed to be stopped immediately before she broke something. So she clapped her hands hard a few times to get Phoebe’s attention, and said, “No throwing! No throwing!” And she carried Phoebe to her room and set the timer for an immediate time-out.
Time-Out: The Basic Rules
Does the idea of giving a time-out make you nervous? Most of us feel awkward when we do something new (like the first time we fed or bathed our baby). Here are some tips to help it go well:
Start with Mini Time-Outs. The first few times you use this approach just move your child to the next room.
Imagine your child is hitting the window with a toy. Say, “No! No! Windows are not for hitting. Give me the toy.” If he refuses, count: “One … two … three …” If he still refuses, quietly take his hand and lead him to another room. Then say, “No hitting windows!” and walk away—with the door wide open.
Don’t worry about making him stay put. You just want him to see that ignoring you will lead to a moment of isolation for him.
However, if he goes right back to banging the window, calmly count to three and do a regular time-out.
Pick Your Time-Out Place Ahead of Time. A chair or bottom step may work with some tots. But young ones, and feisty toddlers of all ages, usually need to be confined—in a playpen if they are under age two, or gated into their bedroom if they are over age two (see Time-Outs Don’t Work Without Time-Ins).
Of course, you must make sure there are no breakables, hard surfaces, or sharp corners in the time-out place.
(Some parents choose to sit their toddlers on their laps and hold them firmly as a type of restrictive punishment. That’s fine if it works for you. But I find that for most toddlers, especially spirited ones, this can turn the time-out into a power struggle.)
Buy a Timer with a Loud Ring. Timers are great to let both you and your child know when the time-out is over. Keep it where you can get to it quickly. Introduce the timer to your tot as Mr. Dinger and let him hear what it sounds like. Explain that Mommy will let him out of his room when Mr. Dinger goes “ring-ring.”
Make the Time-Out Last One Minute per Year of Age. A time-out for your one-year-old would be one minute, two minutes for your two-year-old, etc. I recommend that you always use the timer. It allows your child to hear when the time-out is over and it also gives you a good answer when he begs to come out. (“It’s not up to me, it’s up to Mr. Dinger.”)
When Time-Out Is Over It’s Over! When the time’s up, let your child go free. I like to ask, “Are you ready to come out now?” Even if he says “No!” I open the door, as long as he is not still tantrumming. (“Okay, you can stay if you want, but the time-out is over.”) If he is still carrying on, acknowledge that he is very angry and that it sounds like he needs some extra time-out to find his calm.
Once the fit is over and your child is free to go, don’t talk about the time-out for thirty minutes or so. Just join him in some play or give a bit of attention. It’s time to let go of your anger and allow your heart to forgive. If he’s still mad, connect with respect, but then let him be on his own. Many kids need to sulk a little after being punished.
“You hate time-out … you say no time-out, Mommy. I know you hate it, but Sammy needed a little help to find his calm again. Do you want a hug? No? Okay, you’re still mad, mad, mad! I love you, sweetheart, and I’ll check on you in a couple of minutes.”
Awhile after a time-out, express your regret for having had to do it. “Mommy knows you don’t like time-out. You were mad. I’m sorry. Next time, I hope we can play instead of you needing a time-out.” Later in the day, talk to him about what happened and gossip to his toys about the incident (and the lesson you want him to learn). At bedtime, reinforce the lesson by telling a fairy tale about a little bunny who misbehaved and what happened to him.
Time-Outs Don’t Work Without Time-Ins
If time-out doesn’t seem to be working, maybe it’s because you haven’t been giving him enough time-ins. Toddlers hate unfairness even more than they hate punishment. Ignore your child too much and he’ll feel justified in defying you. On the other hand, “feed his meter” with plenty of little time-ins and playing the boob and he’ll naturally be more cooperative. So if your child is getting too many time-outs, he probably needs more time-ins! ( Just five minutes of time-in each hour can prevent many problems.)
What If My Child Won’t Stay in His Room When I Do Time-Out?
Standing guard over the “naughty” chair or playing tug-of-war over the doorknob to keep your child in his room defeats the whole purpose of time-out—which is to ignore the child, isolating him and depriving him of your attention for a couple of minutes.
That’s why, for tots under two, I recommend playpens for time-outs. And, over two, I recommend using their bedroom and blocking the door with a baby gate. However, if your child can climb over the gate, you’ll need to close the door and either use a childproof doorknob cover to prevent those little hands from opening the door, or you have to lock it, using a simple hook-and-eye-type latch affixed to the outside of the door.
What? Did He Say to Lock My Child in His Room? Isn’t That Cruel?
The reason for locking the time-out place is to enable you to maintain control, which is hard to do if your child can escape. However, before using a locked room for a time-out, twice a day for the next few days you should let your child see that you can lock the door so that he can no longer open it with a simple turn of the knob. Let him try to open the door from the outside and point out the locked latch. (“See, honey, the door stays closed.”) Explain that it’s to help him stay inside for time-outs. (“Remember when Mommy held the door closed and you were really mad? You said, ‘No, no, no!’ Now Mr. Lock will keep the door closed even when you try to open it. Mommy will open it when Mr. Dinger rings.”)
Isolating your little one in his room for two minutes is neither mean nor unfair. All the love you give him the other 23 hours and 58 minutes of the day more than makes up for this short penalty! Trust me, your child can handle two minutes alone in his bedroom—his favorite room of the house. (Of course, never use a closet, bathroom, basement, or nonchildproofed space for time-out.)
Time-Out: Advanced Rules 
Now that you know the basics, here are a few extra tips:
Don’t Say Much. This is superimportant! Once you start counting, stay calm and neutral. The less you say, the more your child’s stressed-out brain will be able to hear. The time for your explanations and being friends again will come later … after time-out is over.
Don’t Be Emotional. Adults who get upset when they do time-outs may make kids protest and fight even more. Our emotional reaction can accidentally backfire and make our uncivilized little friends feel “challenged to fight,” causing them to respond with the primitive fury of tiny Neanderthals.
Do Time-Out the Same Way Every Time. Consistency helps kids learn. Use the same tone of voice, stern face, and counting speed each time. Pretty soon, your tot will recognize exactly when you’re serious and give in before you get to three.
Molly found that after doing time-outs about ten times, her 15-month-old Albert stopped pushing the limits so much. She found that just raising her warning finger and sternly saying, “One!” usually made him stop, so that he rarely needed time-outs anymore.
Don’t Wait Too Long. The best time to teach discipline is right when the misbehavior is happening. Don’t wait for the end of your TV show. Delaying the time-out even five minutes only weakens your message and encourages your tot to push the limits even harder.
Use a Mirror. Put a mirror on the wall near your time-out area. That allows you to walk away, yet still observe your child (without him noticing you). Remember, during time-out you want your child to think you’re totally ignoring him.
Don’t Gloat or Shame Your Child. Saying, “You’re bad! You need a time-out!” makes some tots feel worthless and others burn with resentment. It can spur your child to resist your limits even more the next time.
Q: Will my child get confused if I count “one, two, three” at other times, like play?
A: Nope. Remember, your message is carried in your tone of voice and gestures. Kids can easily tell the difference between playful counting and your serious face and voice, along with your finger raised in warning, signaling a time-out.
Q: Is time-out damaging? Can it hurt my child’s psyche or break his spirit?
A: No. Respectfully putting a child into a short isolation is not traumatizing.
You’ve heard the expression “survival of the fittest”? Challenges make your toddler more resilient and emotionally fit. Your toddler is not a snowflake needing protection from all problems. He’s a resilient and tenacious human being, and with your love and support he’ll learn to bounce back from all of life’s hardships.
But be careful of the words you use when you discipline your toddler. Young children are deeply hurt when we shame, embarrass, or demean them (see this page).
Q: What should I do when my little boy fights being put into time-out?
A: Try to sidestep power struggles. Avoid comments like “You’re so bad! Get in your room, immediately! Do you hear me?”
If your child resists time-out … calmly offer a choice. “I know you hate it, but you have to go. Do you want to walk or be carried?” If he won’t, or can’t, answer, carry your kicking, screaming cave-kid to the time-out place in as unemotional a manner as you can muster. You can be silent or repeat in Toddler-ese, “You hate it, you hate it!” as you carry him there.
Q: What should I do if my child has a tantrum while he is in time-out?
A: Spirited kids have spirited reactions … including during time-out. However, as long as the room is well childproofed, don’t try to stop his yelling and throwing of things. If he sees that his actions bug you, it may actually make him get wilder.
Older tots who mess up the room during time-out need a warning that they’ll have to stay in longer: “Phil, I know you’re mad, but stop throwing or Mr. Dinger will give you a bigger time-out.” When the time-out ends, he can come out, but after a few minutes, calmly require him to help you pick up his things before you resume playing with him.
Q: Can you do a time-out when you are not at home?
A: To prevent toddler misbehavior in public, plan short trips, describe what fun things you’ll do while you’re out, and feed the meter a lot during your errands. (It also helps to talk about the fun you will have once you return home.)
Sometimes, however, despite your best attempts, your child may need a time-out during your errands. If you’re not far from the car, it’s a handy time-out place. Here’s what to do:
As always, start out by connecting with respect and offering a win-win compromise or distraction. If these fail, try a clap-growl, or proceed directly to counting to three, and if that doesn’t stop the behavior go immediately to the car for the time-out.
Deposit him in the childproofed car (windows open a tiny bit, doors locked). Then stand right outside the car with your back turned to him. (Never walk away even for a second!)
After his time-out is up, take him out and use Toddler-ese to show you know how upset he was. Once he has calmed down, do not immediately return to your errands. First, give a small time-in to grease the wheels of cooperation. Then quickly finish your shopping or just go home.
Warning: Don’t strap your child in the car seat during the time-out. You don’t want him to associate this safety device with punishment. Also, never give your child a time-out in a hot car.
Should I Expect My Toddler to Say “I’m Sorry”?
All kids need to be taught manners. But apologizing after a misdeed may take a few years to learn. In general, quiet, shy kids learn to apologize faster than stubborn, challenging kids.
Try this: After your child misbehaves, ask for an apology, but don’t insist on one. Making a huge issue about saying “sorry” only invites a power struggle. (Mom: “Say you’re sorry!” Child: “No, you can’t make me!” Mom: “I’m warning you!”) You want to avoid battles you can’t win … and forcing your tot to apologize is impossible if he really digs in his heels.
If your child shows no regret it’s time for a little kind ignoring. Say, “You’re still mad! You say, ‘No way, I don’t want to say I’m sorry!’ Okay, sweetheart, I’ll check on you in a minute and see how you’re feeling.”
Also, plant seeds of kindness by pointing out when other people apologize, and include apologies in your fairy tales and role-playing.
If your child does apologize, don’t make a big deal out of it. Simply say “Thanks.” But, later on, gossip to his toys or Grandma about how good you feel when he says he’s sorry. And praise him during your bedtime sweet talk routine.
Q: What if he just plays while he’s in time-out?
A: It doesn’t matter. The purpose of time-out is not to make your child miserable, but to temporarily separate him from whatever he was doing, and from you.
Giving a Fine: A Penalty for Big Toddlers
Maura’s twins, Jake and Pete, 36 months, were struggling over a red ball. Maura knew she needed to stop them before there was blood on the carpet! She tried a little impassioned FFR +Toddler-ese:
“Ball! Ball! Ball! You both want it! You want it now! You say mine!! My ball!” Then as they quieted for a second and looked at her, she said, “But noooo! No fighting, or Mommy takes ball away. Balls are for sharing.” Then she offered a fun distraction, “Hey! I’ve got an idea! Let’s all roll the ball together!”
Maura got them rolling it back and forth and then left them alone. Two minutes later, they were squabbling again. And again, she echoed their frustration. “Ball! Ball! You both want ball. But Mommy says, ‘No fight … no fight!’ So the ball has to go night-night. Say, ‘Bye-bye, ball. See you later.’ ”
Despite their protests, Maura put the ball out of reach and said, “Come on, you rugrats! Let’s have a race to the kitchen and we’ll have a little snack. Do you want cheese or maybe some yummy mud?”
What It Is: If time-out is like going to jail, giving a fine is like, well, being fined. It’s a “take-charge” consequence that targets your toddler’s growing love of freedom and ownership.
Giving a fine penalizes your tot by removing a valued privilege or toy. Make the punishment related to the misconduct. In other words, if he defies you by playing basketball in the house, remove the ball for a while. (Penalties that connect the punishment to the misbehavior are also called logical consequences.)
Best Used For: Toddlers two and up (especially three and up).
How It Works: Simple! If your child ignores your warning or repeatedly breaks an important rule, remove a privilege or possession that’s directly linked to the misbehavior.
If your toddler conks a friend with his toy bat, take the bat away and end the playdate. Say, “No hit! No hit … no bat when you hit. Now we go home.”
When you take away a privilege, tell your child you know how much she wants it, but what she’s doing is not okay. For example, if your three-year-old refuses to stop tossing crackers to the dog, remove the crackers and say, “You like to see Rusty eat crackers, but crackers are for people … not dogs. Mommy said, ‘Stop, no, no, no!’ but Eleanor didn’t listen to Mommy’s words, so … bye-bye crackers. No crackers for dogs. Now you can get down and play.”
In another example, if your two-year-old keeps dumping buckets of sand out of the sandbox after being warned to stop, remove him from the sandbox and say, “Mommy said, ‘No dump sand! No dump sand!’ It’s a mess! So say, ‘Bye-bye sand!’ No more sandbox. Let’s wash hands.… Do you want to dry your hands on one piece of paper or two?”
Sometimes the “prized possession” you remove is … you. This is using kind ignoring as a fine: “Mommy doesn’t like it when you say those words. They don’t make me laugh. They hurt my ears. I’m going to the kitchen and I’ll be back in a little bit when you remember your nice words.”
Once your toddler stops the negative behavior, do a little something that is fun to feed his meter and show him that good things happen when he follows the rules. Later, you might gossip to Daddy on the phone about when he did good listening and stopped when Mommy said stop.
If your child misbehaves in the same way every day, take a calm moment to discuss the fine you will be forced to give if he ignores your warning: “Honey, remember when you were playing with your ball in the house and Mommy said ‘No!’? Well, the next time you bounce the ball in the house, Mommy has to take the ball away for a whole day.”
Give your child extra chances to learn this lesson by role-playing with his dolls. (Have the Mommy doll tell the little boy doggie what you want him to do.)
Spanking: How Not to Punish a Toddler
When you’re angry, clap … don’t slap.
Violence is a huge problem in our country. And it has its roots in the home. After all, our toddlers imitate most things we do. If we eat with our fingers, they’ll imitate. If we whistle while we work, they’ll try to do that. So if we hit them when we don’t like their actions, what do you think they learn from that?
Hitting children teaches them that it’s okay for big people to hit little people and that it’s okay to vent anger through violence. Is that really what you want your child to learn? And what sense does it make to spank kids to punish them for hitting? We don’t teach children not to spit by spitting at them, do we?
Toddlers get spanked and slapped more than any other age group. Now, I know there will be times when your toddler will make you really mad. But when that happens, please clap … don’t slap. Vent your anger by clapping and growling, not by shaking and slapping.
We expect our little toddler cave-kids to act primitive, but we can do better.
Spanking: Real-Life Questions 
Q: If my son defies me when I say “No!,” I give his hand a little swat. Is that okay?
A: Here’s the problem with swatting—it’s a dead-end street! What I mean is, as your child grows older, that “little swat” will no longer intimidate him. When he rebels, you’ll be forced to hit him harder … and harder. Some parents eventually find themselves using belts, coat hangers, or sticks. And later, children get so big that even those things don’t work.
Q: My father was spanked, and it made him behave, and he spanked me, and I behaved too. So what’s the problem with me spanking my son?
A: I often hear parents say, “I was spanked, and I turned out okay.” I’m a big supporter of family traditions. Many of them have great value, but spanking is not one we should be proud of. (God knows you would never allow anyone else to spank your child, would you?) Slapping can trigger feelings of resentment and humiliation that can fester for an entire lifetime (especially if we were unfairly punished, or hit out of anger, or in the face, or with an object).
I think the only reason spanking has been passed on—generation after generation—from the Dark Ages to today is because parents never knew there was a better alternative. In fact, I have never met a parent who said she would keep hitting her kids if she had another way to get them to behave that was easy, effective, and respectful.
Well, that’s exactly what The Happiest Toddler approach offers. Simple methods help parents raise children who want to obey (out of love and respect), not children who are forced to obey (through threats and fear).
Your ancestors had many traditions that you have happily stopped. They washed clothes in streams, slept on hay mattresses, and used outhouses. In those “good ol’ days,” children were paddled, whipped with switches and belts, had their ears pulled … their faces slapped … their mouths washed out with soap … their tongues “hot-sauced” … and their knuckles rapped with rulers.
It’s time to stop using intimidation and pain to make kids cooperate.
No offense, Grandpa, but there is a better way!