‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting, The Contented Little Baby Book, Raising Happy Children, What Every Child Needs Their Parents to Know: we had all the books, and by the time Dora was born I had read the first 19 pages of every one of them…. Perhaps there are women who feel that, come the big day, their partners were just as prepared as they were. I just don’t happen to have met any of them.’
PETE PAPHIDES, JOURNALIST, IN AN ARTICLE ON PREPARING FOR FATHERHOOD.1
SIX WAYS TO SURVIVE YOUR CHILD’S GESTATION AND ARRIVAL
Until relatively recently, blokes had a pretty straightforward role when it came to childbirth. You had to pace around a bit while all the messy yelling was going on, smoking and intermittently trying to concentrate on The Times. You might have a stiff whisky and soda to calm your nerves. Once the ‘all clear’ was given, you’d light up your Havana then largely absent yourself until the little blighter was out of nappies. Nowadays, it’s all a bit more demanding. This is, of course, a wonderful thing for you but at times it can seem that unless you have a PhD in fetal development, midwifery and early infant care you’re going to lack any credibility as a father-to-be. Many men find the pressure to perform – as prospective dad, birth partner or postpartum star of the show – somewhat stressful. You may, in fact, find the whole notion of pregnancy and childbirth entirely abstract. You may not have a clue what to do to prepare yourself for any of it. As Pete Paphides writes ‘I don’t think I’m the first man in the history of the universe to prepare for his child’s birth by making her compilations of all his favourite records…’2
There are, of course, a few vital things you can do beyond burning a CD for the baby. When you’re in that delivery room, watching the love of your life attempt to squeeze your progeny out of her vagina, childbirth will suddenly become distinctly real. This is when it helps to know a bit about the process. A few hints about what you can usefully do at this point may come in handy, to say the least. This chapter will give you a sense of where you fit into the whole pregnancy, birth and immediate postpartum. We can’t tell you what the birth of your child will be like for you or your partner. But we can show you how to make it decidedly more manageable – whatever happens on the day. Before you know it you’re going to be pacing round the kitchen at 2 a.m. with a yowling newborn on your shoulder. Read this chapter, and you’ll be doing so with no regrets.
There are many upsides to fatherhood. If this is your first time, all you need to know, really, is that the love, passion and protectiveness you’ll feel towards that baby will be mind-blowing. It may also help to know that your role in your baby’s life starts as it means to go on. Research has found that where fathers are involved, breastfeeding is more successful, postnatal depression reduced, children are more successful at exams at 16 and are less likely to have a criminal record at 21.3
If this is not your first stab at fatherhood, you may be wondering how you’ll summon up the same degree of emotion for another child. The good news is that this time your love will be just as overwhelming as before. If it wasn’t, Neanderthal man would have developed a far more sophisticated long-distance running capacity.
There are many other less profound reasons why fatherhood can be good. Behaving like a child can be immensely pleasurable. Indeed, one survey4 found that more than 70 per cent of boys claimed their fathers spend more time playing with their toys than they do themselves, and 69 per cent of fathers were actually proud of this, admitting to buying toys for their children with their own interests in mind. Research has shown that fathers from a diversity of social and ethnic backgrounds usually say that fathering is the most important part of their lives.5 You will, in short, experience the greatest highs of your life as a parent.
You may, when shown that plastic pregnancy tester thing, have initially felt a combination of shock, joy and general amazement that your sperm actually work. If the pregnancy was a ‘surprise’ you may also feel panicked. Once you’ve calmed down a bit, some other implications may also start to dawn. While most men are extraordinarily well adjusted when it comes to procreation, others hit the Rock Star Syndrome. If you have not yet become a rock star (billionaire/acclaimed novelist/astronaut etc.) this is the time when you have to face facts: it may not happen. ‘I realised, when she told me she was pregnant, that I was never going to tour with Bono – that part of me was over,’ says Simon, 35, father of two. ‘It sounds silly (I’m an accountant!) but it was actually rather depressing. I couldn’t tell my wife about this – it would seem somehow disloyal given that we’d both decided it was time to have a baby.’ For some men, the Rock Star Syndrome may manifest itself in a freakish burst of self-improvement. Julia’s husband got a personal trainer, started violin lessons and quit his job when she was pregnant with their first baby. Luckily, the frenzy was relatively short lived and he’s now back working at Microsoft and eating doughnuts again.
The knowledge that in nine months time you’re going to be responsible for another human being is enough to make even the best adjusted bloke reach for the Glenfiddich. But if you do pour yourself a snifter, beware: your partner can’t join you. She’s probably going to remind you of this, and of your lack of dietary restrictions, your continence and general freedom of bodily movement A LOT over the coming months, and she may not find it funny. Your best policy, now, and for the foreseeable future, is sympathy, understanding and the purchase of many gifts.
Performance anxiety – will I be a good Dad? – is another common fear for first timers, particularly those whose own father left much to be desired. But even the most unpromising fathers-to-be can turn out to be diamonds. Julia remembers one client who came into his own as a father:
‘During the pregnancy Jose was pretty absent. We all worried that he would never be able to help his wife and, during the birth, this turned out to be true. He was completely unprepared, saying he did not want to read about birth in advance because he wanted to experience it without influence. On the day he found the whole experience traumatic. But he’s turned into a fantastic dad. I recently bumped into him at a child’s party: he was wearing a pink tu-tu and pirouetting while his 2-year-old shrieked with joy.’
No you’re not. Don’t be tempted to say this. Ever. Yes, you are both going to have a baby. But she is pregnant, not you. The sooner you realise this, the better. You don’t want to become one of those nauseating, obsessed fathers-to-be who strap bags of flour to their stomachs to ‘share’ her pain.
Whether or not you’ve witnessed your partner ‘blooming’ before, you may well feel a bit redundant while the baby’s still inside her. This is fair enough: she’s the one doing the gestating after all, and most men are fine with this. But it’s worth knowing that feeling a bit left out or ‘useless’ is pretty common. Books about fatherhood bang on about this, particularly about how abstract it can feel in the early stages: ‘Just about every study that’s ever been done on the subject has shown that women generally “connect” with their pregnancies sooner than men do’ write the authors of The Expectant Father.6 Now, you may have no desire to read books like this – the baby’s in her belly after all, not yours. But there is a middle ground between sympathetic extremism, and absenting yourself entirely from the whole affair.
For a start, you do want, if possible, to preserve some sense of togetherness with your partner. And what’s going on for her is pretty major. The best way to help is to stay involved in things like antenatal check-ups (at least make sure you know when they are, and what happens at them). Fetal development, if you get a good book (Further reading) can be fascinating. Knowing a bit about what’s in there might also help you connect with your baby when it comes out. As the authors of The Expectant Father put it: ‘The general rule that women connect with the pregnancy sooner than men has an exception: men who get involved early on and stay involved until the end have been shown to be as connected with the baby as their partners.’ Most men go along to the ultrasound appointments (there are usually two, one early, one mid pregnancy). This can be very moving. In the first one (when your partner is around three months pregnant) the baby doesn’t look much like a baby, but you’d be surprised at how choked up you can get over a grainy black and white shot of a king prawn. In the mid-pregnancy one, the baby looks more like a baby and this can be a big moment for fathers: ‘I don’t think I felt any connection to Sarah’s pregnancy until I saw Jake’s spine on the ultrasound. That was a wonderful, scary moment that made it all very real for me,’ says Tim, 33, father of Jake, 2.
If you are already a father, don’t think this stuff doesn’t apply to you. Getting involved during the pregnancy may in fact be more relevant this time than it was before. Your partner is going to be doubly exhausted, without the novelty factor and with a clear idea of what lies at the end of the nine months (labour). She’s already got a belly full of stretch marks and she knows she’s about to put on four-odd stone (yes, a big deal for most women). Your temptation will be to think ‘she’s done it before, she knows what she’s doing, she doesn’t need me’. This would be an error. No matter how delighted you both are to be expanding your brood, she’ll need some bolstering.
Furthermore, if you have a small child or two you’ve probably already worked out that it’s now your job to get up in the night to deal with them. Your pregnant partner needs REST (no matter how much of a trouper she is at 3 a.m.). She’s growing a baby and that’s a pretty major task even if she seems nonchalant. If your older children aren’t already used to having things done for them by you (i.e. teeth cleaning/bedtime routine/park visits/dinner) now is the time to get into the swing of things. When their mother has a newborn attached to her breast round the clock, various routine tasks are going to fall to you. If she usually does most of the child-related tasks, they may demand their mummy. Press on, firmly, and you’ll find they quickly accept that you are the one wielding the Barbie toothbrush, not mummy. You both have to be firm on this one, but establishing any new routines before your new baby arrives will significantly minimise the upheaval and psychological disruption for your older child (not to mention for you both). It may seem improbable that you could enjoy reading Angelina Ballerina every night, but many dads say that growing closer to their older child was an unexpected and profoundly satisfying side-effect of adding a newborn to the family.
There are, as you can imagine, different degrees of sympathy. If you find yourself developing morning sickness or sore nipples, do try pulling yourself together. If you can’t, then it might help to know you’re not alone. ‘Sympathetic pregnancy’ is a recognised psychological syndrome (the technical term is ‘couvades syndrome’). Basically, some men get weird physical symptoms that may mirror their pregnant partner’s. This is surprisingly common. Researchers say up to 70 per cent of fathers-to-be enjoy such delights as weight gain, nausea, mood swings or food cravings. Such ‘symptoms’ usually appear in about the third month of your partner’s pregnancy, fade a bit, then re-emerge about a month or two before the baby is born. Psychologists say – and this is somewhat obvious – that these are down to sympathy or feelings of guilt for what your partner is going through, or (far less appealing) a touch of jealousy, but nobody really knows why this happens. None of it is new however: as far back as you’d like to go men have wanted to be involved in the gestation process. Indeed, the eighteenth-century Scots believed that during childbirth a nurse could use witchcraft to transfer the pain from the wife to the husband. If only.
As for weight gain, many men balloon during their partner’s pregnancy simply because she, suddenly, has thrown dietary caution to the wind and is buying in crates of chocolate. Exercise a little restraint in the face of the pac man that was once your wife, and you’ll be fine.
You may find your partner’s ups and downs harder to handle than her physical transformation:
‘Her moods became unpredictable in pregnancy,’ says Darius, 40, father of three. ‘Basically, she’d be incredibly emotional. She’s a criminal barrister and I once caught her weeping in front of Pet Rescue on the TV. But also she’d get suddenly furious about things. In fact, it felt rather random, which way she’d go.’ She may also become weirdly domesticated. ‘My wife has always been very focused and career-orientated. I naively thought that pregnancy wouldn’t change her. But she stopped focusing on work. Instead, she would curl up with cookbooks and watch food programmes. We ate fantastically well for nine months, but it was strange to see her personality shift into domestic goddess overdrive,’ says Al, 30, father of Sarry, 1.
If this is your second baby, and your wife sailed through the first pregnancy being her usual sunny self, don’t think she’ll necessarily do it again. Every pregnancy is different. She may become Hannibal Lecter this time, so make no assumptions. While she’s slavering over her filet mignon, you can be doing some useful tasks.
FIVE PRACTICAL THINGS TO DO DURING HER PREGNANCY
TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT PARTNER – EVER
MONEY | Having kids costs a fortune. Many men (and indeed women) worry about this – particularly when they’re having more than one child. If this is something that’s preoccupying you, why not look it in the eye now? Brace yourself – estimates vary but virtually all studies show childrearing is, indeed, ruinous. One 2004 study by a financial services company recently found that the total cost of raising a child in a typical two-parent working household from birth to age 21 is now an eye-watering £140,398. That’s an average annual bill of £6,686 until your child is 21.
Of course, how much your children really cost you will depend on how much you’re willing to lavish on them. Families manage on significantly less than six grand a year per child. Your wee one does not have to have the latest Nikes. But if you’re feeling neurotic, do some sums – work out a budget, talk it over, even see a financial planner. Otherwise, assume you’ll get by. We all do. Somehow.
CHANGING LIFESTYLE | If this is your first baby, you may enjoy frequent nights down the boozer, Saturday footie games and/or hours nerding in front of your computer. People will tell you this is all over once you have kids. To a certain extent, it is. But having kids doesn’t mean you’ll be confined to domestic duties alone after working hours. Men with children do still have social lives, play sport and all the rest. They may have to scale this down a bit – certainly initially – but life is not over. If this sort of thing is worrying you, try and talk to your partner about it. The worst thing you can do is bugger off to the pub leaving her with a screaming newborn every night. All of this may sound depressing, but the missing link, here, is the mind-altering love you’ll feel for your small child.
THE CHILD IS NOT YOURS | This one’s going to shock most women, but it’s something many men worry about. One psychologist, Jerrold Lee Shapiro, interviewed more than two hundred men whose partners were pregnant, and found that 60 per cent of them ‘acknowledged fleeting thoughts, fantasies or nagging doubts that they might not really be the biological father of the child’. Most, apparently, don’t really believe their partners are having affairs. But on some level they feel they can’t have possibly created another a human being: someone more potent must have done it for them.7 One friend of mine forced her husband to come along to an NCT class with her. The task that day was for the men to write down the answer to various statements, so as to ‘explore’ their feelings about fatherhood. In response to the statement ‘I would be most shocked if….’, her husband (who is Caucasian) wrote ‘the baby is black.’ He wasn’t entirely taking the exercise seriously, but as generations of psychologists, historians and literary critics have shown the ‘anxiety of influence’ is pretty pervasive.
You may find yourself vastly turned on by your partner’s burgeoning form (those swelling breasts, at the very least, could get you going). Or you may become turned off by her morphing, unpredictable body. Enlargement – all over – is the name of the game. She’ll put on fat as well as baby. This is normal. Her boobs, of course, are going to be temporarily pneumatic. But for many men this turns out to be the ultimate torment – they are often completely untouchable, as they’ll become, at times, unbearably tender/rock hard/engorged with milk (during pregnancy, and afterwards). You may also find it hard, in a complex, confusing way, to separate her status as a mother, with her role as your lover. Which kind of Madonna is she these days? Sex with a pregnant woman can be a minefield for both of you. It’s worth communicating about this if you can, because when you have a baby, the sexual distance, if it’s there, is likely to increase rather than decrease.
‘I had a huge problem seeing my wife as sexual when she was pregnant,’ says Martin, 36, father of Aidan, 4. ‘I was afraid I’d hurt her. We had sex a few times (on our sides), but I felt like I was in mourning for what I saw to be the end of our sex life. Then Aidan came and we were tired all the time. I think our marriage problems really started there. If we had just talked about it things would probably be better between us now.’
The ball, unfortunately, has to be in her court when it comes to how – and how often – you have sex. She really is in the grip of some serious chemicals and whatever she’s feeling, sex-wise, just isn’t her fault. Some women simply don’t fancy it at all for nine months and you have to accept this – somehow. Others are raving balls of hormones, ripping your clothes off one minute, slapping you away in disgust another. Such a mixed bag can be hard to negotiate. The simple rule is: do not take it personally (after all, she loves you enough to have your baby). If you’re feeling sexy, try and approach her sensitively. And, though this may go against your most basic nature, talk about it.
SAFETY CONCERNS | The baby is protected from your penis by:
Providing your partner has no medical complications in the pregnancy that have ruled out sex (ask the doctor/midwife for the go ahead if you are at all worried), your penis in her vagina will neither touch, disturb nor hurt the baby. The baby will have no idea what’s going on and (I know, it’s a mad concern, but it’s in there for many of us) the baby is certainly not watching.
WHAT TO DO IF SHE DOESN’T WANT SEX | Above all, try to keep physical affection going. Make sure you continue to give her cuddles, kisses and to show her affection. Try to avoid simply giving up. Dr Petra Boynton, a psychologist specialising in sex and relationships at University College London says a dialogue is important: ‘Try to talk to her about sex (but not when she’s just rejected your moves – pick a stress free time). Explore why she doesn’t feel like sex (for example, if she feels sick or tired she won’t be interested, but if she feels she shouldn’t do it, that’s a different matter).’ Also, tell her how you are feeling about sex during her pregnancy (or the lack of it); let her know about your inhibitions, desires or fears. If your relationship is open, she may be happy for you to masturbate (she may even help you). But do avoid using masturbation as a bargaining tool (i.e. ‘if you don’t have sex with me then I’ll have to masturbate/watch porn’).
THREE WAYS TO MAINTAIN INTIMACY WITHOUT SEX
‘Keeping the intimacy in the relationship is still necessary even if she doesn’t want sex,’ says Dr Petra Boynton.
BREASTS AND WHAT TO DO WITH THEM | Those girls are undoubtedly supersensitive as well as, possibly, supersized. This may be a unique torment to you but you should know that even your most gentle nibbling might feel, to your partner, like you’ve taken a razor blade to her areola. The good news is that her breasts may also be extra-erogenous if you can work out how to touch them. Be more gentle than you’d think possible, and build up to the level, and technique she likes. If she can’t have them handled, you can always just LOOK. One thing you may find freaky (and/or fantastic) is that sex with a pregnant or postpartum woman can bring milk out of her breasts (usually only a tiny amount in pregnancy).
HER CLITORIS | Masturbation and orgasms – yours or your partner’s – will not hurt your baby. Her clitoris may feel more sensitive, because there is more blood in that area of the body during pregnancy, and more hormones floating around. But equally, it may feel totally unsensitive. And if she’s got piles, constipation, is knackered and feels unattractive, no amount of clitoral technique is going to turn her into a sexual dynamo.
HER VAGINA | There is increased blood flow to the vagina during pregnancy, which can make it feel unfamiliar (it can feel either more, or less, lubricated) to some women. You can buy lubricant (such as KY Jelly) at any chemist. But if penetrative sex is no longer fun, oral sex (for both of you) can still be a good thing.
POSITIONS | Your partner – even if she tried to – is unlikely to be able to go through the whole pregnancy having sex in the missionary position. Lying on your back when pregnant can be unbelievably uncomfortable, especially in the later stages. There’s a lot of weight in there, pressing on her spine and bladder when she lies down. Deep and thrusting penetration, too, can feel uncomfortable.
You’re not going to squash or poke the baby (there’s tons of fluid and flesh between you and it) but lying on her breasts will certainly cause her instant pain. So, you have to experiment. This, for some couples, turns out to be fun.
A few good positions for pregnant sex:
The mechanics can get comical and it helps if you have a sense of humour and a flexibility that is not just physical. Sometimes – particularly later on – you may have to give up half way through a session if it all just ‘feels wrong’ to her. Be patient. Try thinking how sexy you’d feel with an 8lb baby lodged in your pelvis, and your balls wired up to the mains. Holding, stroking, reassuring and loving her, if penetrative sex won’t work, is the only reasonable course of action (see sexual survival rule 1, below).
ORGASMS | Orgasms for her may feel different in pregnancy – more or less intense or satisfying. They can bring on mild, harmless contractions. And later in pregnancy, her orgasm might also make the baby wriggle around. This is absolutely normal and harmless, but it can feel a bit freaky if you’re in porn land and suddenly you have a baby booting you (both!). The only advice here is to go with it and – as with childbirth – expect the unexpected.
How, when and with what degree of pleasure she orgasms can depend on anything from the state of her belly to the state of her mind (odd, usually).
FIVE RULES FOR SEXUAL SURVIVAL
A WORD ABOUT MEN AND MISCARRIAGE | When it comes to miscarriage, men’s feelings are usually entirely sidelined. A miscarriage is, indeed, hardest on the woman (the physical event alone can be extremely distressing), but that doesn’t mean you’ll feel OK about it. Grief, disappointment, helplessness and depression are all common emotions in dads after their partner’s miscarriage. It’s important to remember, of course, that over 90 per cent of couples who experience a miscarriage will have a baby later, and that miscarriages are extremely common (see Chapter 1, page). Some books will also tell you that a miscarriage is a ‘blessing in disguise’ because it’s ‘natural selection’ at work. But this kind of rational thinking often isn’t terribly helpful when you’re having a tough time coming to terms with what has happened. This is why counselling after a miscarriage can be immensely helpful for both of you – a way for you to talk through how you are feeling, and to get to grips with what has happened to you both. Your partner will certainly need you to listen to her, and to give her a lot of emotional support (sometimes for a very long time after the event, even when you think she should be ‘over it’ by now). But the key thing to remember is that it’s perfectly valid for you to be upset and depressed about it too. As the authors of The Expectant Father put it: ‘Until very recently, miscarriage, like the pregnancy it ends, has been considered the exclusive emotional domain of women. This is simply untrue. While men don’t have to endure the physical pain or discomfort of a miscarriage, their emotional pain is just as severe as their partner’s. They still have the same hopes and dreams about their unborn children, and they still feel a profound sense of grief when those hopes and dreams are dashed. And many men, just like their partners, feel tremendous guilt and inadequacy when a pregnancy ends prematurely.’8 (For more information about miscarriage, see Chapter 1, page)
‘Partners are terrific. But they often want to save the woman. That’s what they’re conditioned to do. But the women, in childbirth, don’t want to be saved.’ Kim Kelley, midwife
It’s fair enough that you should feel discomfited at the prospect of a baby coming out of your loved one’s holied vagina (or, indeed, abdomen). Even, or possibly especially, if this is not your first baby the idea of the birth can be daunting if you think about it. And you should. The last thing you – or more specifically your partner – want in the labour room is panic. Men are just as floored by the reality of childbirth as women are. One study of couples’ fears about childbirth found that ‘helplessness, powerlessness and the wife’s death in childbirth were the most significant subjects of men’s fears’.9 It’s not easy to stand by and watch the woman you love go through something as extreme and painful as childbirth. But it needn’t be horrifying. It can be astonishingly moving. And – if you’ve prepared yourself – you almost certainly won’t faint.
Yes, really, this is a valid question. You may not feel this way when you’re sitting on beanbags in some childbirth class, but if you seriously doubt whether you want to be there, open that dialogue now.
In 1965 only 5 per cent of fathers were at the birth of their baby. Today, according to the National Childbirth Trust, about 96 per cent of fathers are there.
The Royal College of Midwives does, however, acknowledge that some men might find giving support to their partners in childbirth hard. Often men worry about being at the birth simply because it’s all so terrifyingly gynaecological and female. They can’t imagine what they’ll DO in the labour room (except faint, or be put off sex for life). But as any woman who’s had a supportive husband by her side will attest, your role in labour really can be quite straightforward and crucial.
It may also help you to know that your presence can make a genuine difference to what happens during the birth. According to Jack O’Sullivan of Fathers Direct (the UK National Information Centre for Fatherhood) research has shown that when fathers are well informed about pregnancy and birth, mothers generally have shorter labours and need less pain relief, are more likely to breastfeed successfully and less likely to suffer from postnatal depression.
If you learn more about the mechanics of birth you may find it less daunting. Chapter 2: Birth for beginners, will give you all you need to know about what a straightforward birth can really be like – the real life version, not the text book one (read this even if you’ve seen birth before. Sometimes ‘normal’ things can floor you second time around too if you don’t know about them). Men in general are woefully unprepared for witnessing childbirth, and are horrified or panicked by things that are basically normal and healthy.
It’s worth recognising that there may be times, in labour, when you really won’t be able to do much to help (except be there). ‘When things got tough in Thomas’s birth, I did feel helpless,’ says James, father of Margaret (18 months) and Thomas (4 months). ‘The midwives were asking Sarah not to push, and she was screaming at them – in real pain. I found this very distressing. I just wanted it to be over.’ Hopefully, you’ll only feel like this for short periods of time in labour, if at all. The trick, during the tough bits, is to stay calm – look at the medical staff for reassurance – and never underestimate the value of simply being with your partner, whispering loving, reassuring things to her. I know that during the births of all three of my babies, I needed John to be with me, regardless of whether he was ‘doing’ anything much. Whenever he left the room, I’d feel panicky.
Many men relish the births of their children, and for good reason. Andrew, a 39-year-old accountant, counts the births of his three children as the most outstanding events of his life: ‘I’m normally your typically analytical Asperger’s-type bloke – my hobby is physics – but the births of my children made me feel like a different person. I knew my wife really needed me. And when each of my children was born, I sobbed. I can’t remember sobbing ever in my life. It really was an astonishing experience and any man who misses it is an arse.’
HOW NOT TO BE AN ARSE IN LABOUR
Do not be tempted to:
Most childbirth books and classes give blokes a list of stuff to DO before and during the birth. The idea is basically that you won’t feel ‘at ease’ unless you’re hunter-gathering or performing some other function. You may, however, find the list of tasks you’re given a wee bit manufactured. After all, there’s only so much time you can spend plotting routes to the hospital and packing your sponge bag. If a list of things to do will make you feel comforted, here’s one (below). But remember, the really important things you can do are all in the bullets on page. They sound woolly and touchy-feely, but they’re what most women need in labour.
SIX HELPFUL FUNCTIONS FOR YOU TO PERFORM
Before birth:
During birth:
LABOUR IS NOT ABOUT YOU | One thing Julia has seen too many times is fathers who somehow contrive (possibly through anxiety) to make labour about them, not their partners. She had one client who she now thinks of as ‘helmet dad’ because he insisted on wearing his bike helmet throughout his wife’s labour, in case he should faint. Understandably, this took much attention away from his wife. You are, I’m sure, not the sort of bloke to get his bike helmet on but do be clear that it’s fine to feel nervous, scared or overwhelmed by birth. Above all else, your role is to focus on your partner, and make sure others do too.
EPIDURAL ABANDONMENT | Another no-no – again something Julia sees more and more of–is men who switch off when the epidural is switched on: ‘I have seen this repeatedly: the man doesn’t realise that it’s not so great having a needle in your spine and being immobile. The woman will often be very anxious about how things are going to pan out over the next few hours. But the partner doesn’t realise this, he feels liberated by the technology and trots off to get a sandwich, becomes obsessed with the sports page, (or worse still, switches on his laptop), leaving her very conscious and very alone.’
Some women say their epidural was bliss. It can be a huge salvation. But others don’t feel this way at all. So don’t bugger off (physically or metaphorically), just because she’s lying there looking calm with knock-out pain relief in her back. Even if you are just playing cards, or reading to her, or holding her hand as she sleeps, try to remember that you’re still vital. That’s not to say you can’t nip out to get food, or pee or buy her a magazine. Just don’t assume she’s OK. And don’t forget to tell her she’s doing well and you love her.
NEVER GIVE UP | A survey of fathers, by the National Childbirth Trust,10 found that more than two thirds felt frustrated during the birth that they were unable to help when their partner was in pain. One good tip for all fathers during childbirth is to be flexible and don’t give up. You may have agreed, in advance, that you’ll rub her back. But if she bats you off the minute you touch her, this doesn’t mean your role in the birth has come to an end. You need to learn together – in advance and during labour – about the different things that help with pain. Sometimes nothing will seem to ‘work’. This doesn’t mean you aren’t helping. If she doesn’t let you ‘do’ anything, just be there, next to her, telling her you love her and she’s doing well. It may even be that what she wants from you is for you to sit silently next to her for 18 hours. But do be sure this is, indeed, the case, before you oblige.
‘My best advice for any father-to-be is to remember that the labour room isn’t a theatre and you are not the audience,’ says Rob, 30, father of Joe (3 months). ‘In the end, I felt not like a viewer, but a participant. When Eliza started pushing, I had the instinct to go down there and watch the baby come out, but I couldn’t let go of her hand. Beforehand, I had the vague notion that I should be with my wife on “her special day”, but it really wasn’t just her day, it was ours.’
A WORD ABOUT THE BUSINESS END | My husband John is squeamish. Even the thought of blood makes him feel faint. Yet he was there (at the head end) for my daughter’s birth (a caesarean) and he witnessed both his sons coming out of my vagina (for my first, he was holding my leg up and didn’t look away; for the second, he was watching, excitedly, for the head). He says the blood just wasn’t relevant. Indeed, he says there was surprisingly little of it (though there were apparently lots of ‘fluids’). All of that stuff came second to the astounding fact that he was about to meet our baby. In cold blood birth does sound off-putting, but in the heat of the moment, seeing your baby enter the world can be miraculous.
You don’t, of course, have to see anything gory. You can be at her head the whole time. But most men are very good at compartmentalising. Staying at your partner’s head until the baby’s head is just coming out is probably your best policy – but on the point of birth most men see the baby, not the vagina. Seeing our babies emerge, like this, certainly has not dented my husband’s sex drive and this seems to be a common experience. ‘To be honest, I’m just over the moon if she’s feeling sexy at all,’ says Rowan (28), father of Oliver (2) and Fergus (9 months). ‘The notion of being “put off” by some memory of witnessing childbirth when there’s a prospect of a shag after many barren, baby filled weeks, is – to be honest – laughable.’
You’ll probably get sent home from the hospital once your partner and baby are ‘settled’. Maternity units can be brutal (they also have to respect cultural differences: many women would be extremely uncomfortable with a man sleeping in a chair in the ward). A few modern NHS maternity units have overnight facilities for dads, and some even have private rooms, where you can sleep on a zed bed next to your partner and newborn. These rooms can cost anything from £50 a night to £200, depending on your hospital. Some hospitals let you book such rooms in advance (useful if you know the date your baby will be born on i.e. if it is by planned caesarean). Staying at the hospital, if you can mange it, can be a terrifically bonding experience for all of you, so do ask if you can somehow stay.
‘I felt at first like the baby’s real parents would be coming to get him soon. It took weeks for that feeling to go away. It took weeks for me to really understand that I wasn’t babysitting – this is my kid.’ Brian, 28, father of Alex (3)
FIVE FANTASTIC FATHER FEELINGS
SIX SOURCES OF STRESS
The first thing you’re likely to feel, on meeting your baby (yes, even if it’s not your first), is utter elation (and possibly relief). ‘Most men say the birth of their child is the most profound thing that ever happened to them,’ says Jack O’Sullivan of Fathers Direct. However the early part of the postpartum period can take its toll.
‘Postpartum is a time of great change, but also of great learning, for men too,’ says Jack O’Sullivan. ‘Nowadays most men take paternity leave or at least holiday when the baby is born, and are very keen to learn all there is to learn about being a dad. But there is not a lot of information out there aimed specifically at new fathers. You can learn from your partner, but most of all, you can learn from just being there.’
If you think birth is the hard bit then read Chapter 10 of this book (Postpartum). In fact, reading Chapter 10 is the best thing you can do for yourself and your partner when it comes to the first few weeks of your baby’s life. It will give you a flavour of some of the major things your partner may go through – physically and mentally – once the baby is out. It’ll give you a sense of what life with your baby may be like, initially. And it will give you some ideas about how to make this easier, for all of you, whether or not this is your first child. Studies have shown that new fathers hold, touch, kiss, rock and coo at their babies as often as mothers do, and are just as emotionally involved with their babies as mothers are. So don’t be afraid to let your inner Dad out.
No amount of inner Dad is going to get you far on this one. But you can still play a vital part in how your baby feeds. Breastfeeding really is by far the best way to grow a healthy baby (see Chapter 10, page, for 10 reasons why). Studies have shown that the dad’s attitude to breastfeeding is one of the most important factors in breastfeeding success rates. You’d think breastfeeding was easy – it’s nature after all. She just sticks the baby on when it’s hungry. But often it’s not this simple. Breastfeeding may – certainly initially – be hard to get the hang of. Some babies take a while to suck. Some boobs are agony at first. And getting a good ‘supply and demand’ thing sorted out can be hard. Many of us feel quite literally DRAINED by feeding in the first four to six weeks.
Breathing down her neck muttering ‘no pain, no gain’ or something equivalent, is probably the quickest way for you to find out what it’s like to be bludgeoned to death with a rock hard breast. This is true even if this is not your first baby (breastfeeding can be a breeze with one baby, and difficult with another: same boobs, different infant). As with labour, your role is one of support and encouragement. Usually feeding settles down after about six weeks and initial problems, if there are any, should be ironed out.
Breastfeeding can make women feel:
But also:
Possibly all at once.
Your partner may, then, become a wee bit challenging in those early days. She needs to eat properly, get rest and drink lots of water. It’s your job to make sure, as best you can, that this happens.
TEN THINGS YOU CAN DO TO SUPPORT YOUR BREASTFEEDING PARTNER
Prepare yourself: her breasts may be unrecognisable in the early stages of breastfeeding – huge, blue veined, bursting at the seams, with nipples the size of dinner plates. She may well sink her fangs into your hand if you try and touch them. This is normal but should not last more than a few days (if it does, she might need help from a breastfeeding specialist).
Many men feel that while there are many resources for women after the birth, few are aimed at them. Still reeling from witnessing the birth, you are thrown into parenting, often exhausted, and often without even talking about what happened. If the birth was difficult, men need to process it as much as women do. ‘Go with your partner to see the midwife, and go through the birth together,’ advises midwife Jenny Smith. ‘Labour, particularly a difficult one, can be fraught for men: they worry just as much about the baby’s safety as the mother does, and then, they’re worrying about the mother too.’
Of course, you probably won’t get to ‘be there’ all day for long. Most men are forced to return to work soon after the baby is born. This brings a whole range of stresses. The main one is probably the headache of how to be successful at work without missing out on your children’s lives. It can be hard to have to go back to work after only a week or so of unrestricted access to your baby. The law is gradually changing here (though some would say not enough), so there may be more ways than you’d think to get more time with your children. It’s worth opening a discussion with your employer about this, no matter how unlikely it seems to you that they’ll look favourably on your desire to be a hands-on dad (you may, however, be surprised: after all, your male bosses are probably fathers too).
The issue of work can also bring money worries to the fore. The balance really shifts when you have a baby. Your partner is suddenly at home, not earning (or earning little) while you’re left as the sole breadwinner. ‘This is the time of the greatest role segregation when it comes to breadwinning,’ says Jack O’Sullivan. Many men worry about money and feel a great responsibility on their shoulders: maternity pay often does not last – at least in full – for the whole period of maternity leave. This can be stressful in itself.
YOUR RIGHTS AT A GLANCE
Paternity leave
New fathers in the UK are now entitled to two weeks paternity leave. You get £100 per week, and you have to have been employed for 26 weeks before the 15th week before the due date to qualify.
Parental leave
You may be eligible for 13 weeks parental leave per child. This is designed to help you balance work and family responsibilities in the first five years of your child’s life. You are eligible for parental leave if you have been with your employer for one year and have children born or adopted on or after 15 December 1999.
Where to go for help:
To get more information and make sure you are really up to date on any changes to these regulations, try the Department of Trade and Industry www.dti.gov.uk or www.fathersdirect.com.
In the TV show Cold Feet, new dad Adam blurts out at his baby son’s ‘naming ceremony’ that he feels absolutely nothing for his child. The episode shows him constantly pushed out by his partner Rachel who won’t let him do anything. He’s threatened by his son’s closeness to Rachel, jealous, rejected, upset. Fundamentally when it comes to baby love, he just doesn’t get it. It’s only when circumstances force him into being an ‘at home dad’ that he realises he can do it. And, involved at last, he falls in love with his son. This is a lesson to us all: some women find it incredibly hard to relinquish control over their newborn, no matter how knackered and desperate we are. But if we want our partners to be great fathers, we have to let them. ‘Get stuck in,’ advises Jack O’Sullivan, of Fathers Direct. ‘Do all you can with your baby and instead of thinking “my wife just had a baby” think “we’ve become parents”.’ You do not need to have your relationship with your child mediated by the mother (though be sensitive – many of us, particularly first time around, do find it genuinely, biologically hard to let the baby out of our sight). Spend time alone with your baby. Change her nappy. Rock her back to sleep at 2 a.m. Take her for a walk strapped to your chest in the baby sling. You are much more likely to enjoy the early weeks (not to mention fatherhood in general) if you are forming a strong relationship with your baby.
‘When I think back to those first few days and weeks, I don’t think about the wailing and chaos,’ says Julia’s husband Buckley, ‘I think of the early hours of the morning, sitting in the rocking chair, calming a little baby on my shoulder. I bonded with my babies by being alone with them, comforting them at 3 a.m. I was knackered most of the time, but I wouldn’t give that up for anything.’
Fathers can actually be better at comforting crying babies than mothers. Many mothers work this out with subsequent children. Babies who just want comfort (not food, really) smell their daddies and know a boob simply isn’t an option. Instead of screaming for a comfort suck, they crash out (possibly after a bit of a fight). Men are often less panicked by a crying baby (women are biologically hardwired to think it’s an emergency). Put a mildly peckish baby near its mother and it’ll be demanding a feed within seconds. Stick it on its daddy’s chest and soon it’ll be sleeping (unless it really was hungry). You could say that comforting fussy babies is a man’s job.
As mentioned briefly already, one major problem, particularly with first-time parents, is that mothers can find it immensely difficult to relinquish control of the baby. As we hover over you, watching your big fingers fumble with our precious infant, few first-time mothers can resist barking orders. Or wrenching the baby back. You’ll hold, touch, rock, move or dress your baby in a way her mother may find – at times – genuinely unsettling. (Men, incidentally, have been shown to hold babies differently from women.) If your wife is behaving oddly when you pick up the baby it’s probably just because you don’t do it her way.
You may also notice that many mothers become obsessed by the temperature of their infant. When my first baby was two weeks old, John took her round the supermarket in January wearing only a cotton babygro. Five years on I can barely write that sentence without a shudder. My baby did not develop pneumonia or turn blue or suffer any ill effects whatsoever but it took me weeks (OK, years) to forgive John. Both of you need to be aware that this mildly mad maternal syndrome is both genuine and in need of curbing. (The good news is that the more babies you have the less relevant this seems to become: mothers of small children are generally so desperate for any kind of respite that we don’t quibble about technique half as much as we did first time around.)
The thing to remember, if she’s criticising the way you’re tilting the bottle, is that – unless you’re genuinely incompetent, drunk or in some other way dangerous – the only reason she’s unsettled is that your way is different from hers. There’s nothing in the Y chromosome that means you can’t be superlative at baby care. Indeed, around 155,000 men in the UK are ‘Home Dads’ and the number of men working part-time has rocketed, from only 300,000 in 1986 to 1 million in 200111. If your partner has turned into a headmistress listen to her concerns and, if necessary, debate them, but try not to let her powerful maternal protectiveness undermine your confidence in your ability to pick up, change, jiggle and generally bond with your baby. No manual is going to tell you exactly how to handle your baby: it’s up to you to work it out. You and your partner are in this together and both of you have to get to know that small, red, bawling bundle in your own ways. If you negotiate your territory now, your life is going to be much easier. And so is hers.
You no longer have to ponce around town with a teddy bear emblazoned nappy bag on your shoulder. ‘Diaper Dude’ has come up with some really quite acceptably blokeish nappy bags: www.thebabycloset.co.uk/baby_blankets_diaperdude.asp
She thinks you have the easy life – getting to the office, meeting real people, going to the loo unaccompanied. You think she’s swanning around all day drinking cups of tea with her girlfriends and watching daytime telly. The first few months can be tough for both of you, in very different ways. It really isn’t reasonable for you to come home and express dismay that she has not tidied/cooked dinner/paid the bills. Looking after a new baby at home can be genuinely exhausting – the cumulative lack of sleep, the hormones, the physical rigours of feeding; the loneliness and lack of personal space can all be shattering. But then again, functioning on full throttle in the office on two hours’ sleep, knowing you’re going to go home to a newborn that needs jiggling and a wife that needs bolstering can also take its toll. This common misunderstanding can put vast strains on any relationship. You both need to talk about this before you get to boiling point. Aim to give each other support, not indulge in one-upmanship about who’s the most knackered.
MUTUAL MISUNDERSTANDING | If you and your partner separate, and you are the one moving out, you will need to take proactive steps to be as involved in your child’s life as you want to be. It is worth investigating your rights fully, and using them. The ins and outs of this are beyond the scope of this book, but a good first stop is Fathers Direct (see Find Out More, page).
For some couples, basic domestic tasks like cleaning become a minefield when a baby arrives. If your partner is the one who does the bulk of the cleaning (in most heterosexual relationships studies show that women do more domestic tasks than men, even if both partners work full time) now is the time to redress the balance. If you hear yourself uttering the words ‘helping around the house’ bite them back before she (or her best friend) comes at you with a blunt instrument. It is your house too, and your dirty sock on the floor, particularly after a new baby arrives, can become loaded with significance. The books all tell you not to care about mess when you have a new baby. Let the dishes pile up! This is all very well, but a filthy, messy house is, for many of us, fundamentally depressing. It’s about keeping sane and calm amidst the obvious chaos of maternity. With a new baby you’re both going to be around the house a lot more (even if it’s just at weekends) and kids create nonstop filth. So, if cleaning’s an issue between you both (whichever one of you is the ‘clean freak’), something has to give: on both sides.
If the stress of paternity is getting to you it can be hard to find a sympathetic ear in the first months after the baby is born. ‘Many men are reliant on their partner for emotional support, but in the early days of parenthood, their partner is usually very busy,’ says Jack O’Sullivan. Some men find ‘dad’s groups’ useful for a bit of moral support (see Find Out More, page). The NCT also run events specifically for dads.
You need to inform yourself about Parental Responsibility if you are not married to your child’s mother. Parental Responsibility is a legal status you can hold in relation to a child. It gives you all the ‘rights and responsibilities’ of a parent and it’s vital to get PR if you want to have legal rights over anything from authorizing medical treatment to stopping someone adopting your child. Married parents have this automatically, and so do unmarried mothers, but unmarried fathers don’t. To get PR you need to include your name on your child’s birth certificate.
A WORD ABOUT POSTNATAL DEPRESSION | There is a possibility that your partner will develop postnatal depression. By the time she realises she’s depressed, she may be unable to get help for herself. You are the best person to keep an eye out for this. Read the signs of postnatal depression in our list in Chapter 10 on page. If you think she is depressed you should contact your GP or health visitor straight away. It can be very serious, but is treatable.
Incidentally, you the father, could also get symptoms of depression after the baby is born. Many health professionals believe the causes, for men, are the same as for any other form of depression (while for women, there may be a hormonal cause for postnatal depression). Still, there’s certainly nothing like the stress of new fatherhood to trigger any lurking depression, so if you’re feelings are getting out of hand, try: Fathers’ Matters, set up in 2003 by the South Essex Partnership Trust. Helpline 01268 556 328.
Arguments about how to snap the poppers on a babygro may reach ludicrous proportions simply because you’re both so knackered. The first few weeks can feel like crisis management, no matter how many babies you’ve had. ‘Most of the time, during her labour and in those early days of parenting, I felt like a member of a Formula One pit crew: changing, moving, soaking, cleaning…’ says Alan, 35, father of Oscar (2). The thing to remember, however, is that the real ‘crisis’ period is short lived.
‘With our first baby, I felt like the first six weeks were the way life would be forever,’ says Larry, 44, father of Grace (10) and Jack (8). ‘I had no perspective on it, and it was hell: nonstop crying baby, my wife totally overwhelmed by feeds, nappies, nipples, piles or whatever. Second time around, I understood how fleeting that time is, really. Our second baby cried and pooed just as much, but I was so much more Zen about it. I wish I’d realised the first time that the panic doesn’t last. Before you know it, your baby will be starting school.’
The official advice is to wait about six weeks after the birth before you have sex. This notion would make most women laugh were it not for the fact that we might burst our stitches. The reality is that – depending on what the delivery of the baby was like – it may be far, far longer than this before she’s ready for sex. You don’t need much imagination to work out why this is but reading Chapter 10 will give you a few concrete reasons. Many women take an awfully long time for the notion of having anything ‘up there’ to become even remotely appealing. Also, when breastfeeding, your body produces hormones that can suppress the sex drive, and make you less lubricated. So be patient. Some women find it takes as long as a couple of years (yes, really) after the birth until they’re truly back on form. Touch, massage, cuddling and kissing are the best ways to keep a sense of intimacy. And some ‘scene setting’ might help – a glass of wine, a massage, a bit of romance. It can be hard for us to go from nappy changer to sex goddess with no steps in between. But equally, you may feel resentful that all her love is suddenly focused on the baby. Realistically, romance can be hard to achieve (certainly in the early days) when you’re severely sleep deprived, somewhat on edge and one or other of you seems to be constantly jiggling, feeding or otherwise attending to a small, howling baby (not to mention appeasing any older kids you have). Again, be patient and do the best you can, when you can (see below).
FIVE IDEAS FOR INTIMACY
‘You are, as a couple, role models for your child,’ says psychologist Dr Petra Boynton. ‘If your child grows up seeing you physical and loving, doing things for each other, and communicating well this can be incredibly positive. You don’t have to be superheros, but you do have to negotiate and make the effort.’
The Birth Partner: Everything You Need to Know to Help a Woman Through Childbirth by Penny Simkin (Harvard Press, 2001) This is a good one for anyone attending a birth and will help you get to grips with what your role, among all that oestrogen, could – and should – be.
Becoming a Father: Men’s Access to Information and Support about Pregnancy, Birth and Life with a New Baby, by D. Smith and M. Newburn (National Childbirth Trust and Fathers Direct, 2000) A good, no-nonsense general resource.
Fatherhood: The Truth by Marcus Berkmann (Vermilion, UK, 2005) An entertaining guide to sleep, breasts, baby blues and all the rest.
Parenting Made Difficult: Notes from the Alphabet Soup of Fatherhood by Phil Hogan (Piccadilly Press, UK, 2002) Jokey slices of life with four boys under ten, from his Observer column.
The Truth About Babies from A–Z by Ian Sansom (Granta, UK, 2003) Erudite and witty accounts of the ‘secrets’ about babies that nobody tells you, by the Guardian writer.
From Lad to Dad: How to Survive as a Pregnant Father by Stephen Giles (White Ladder Press, UK, 2005) Tackles pregnancy, from the father-to-be’s perspective.
The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips and Advice for Dads-to-be by Armin Brott and Jennifer Ash (Abbeville Press, UK, 2001).
Becoming a Father: How to Nurture and Enjoy Your Family by William Sears, M.D. (La Leche League International, UK, 2003)
From Conception To Birth: A Life Unfolds by Alexander Tsiaras and Barry Werth (Doubleday, US, 2002)
What’s Going on in There?: How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life by Lise Eliot (Bantam, US, 2000)
Fathers Direct Herald House Lambs Passage Bunhill Row London EC1Y 8TQ Tel: 0845 634 1328 www.fathersdirect.com This is the best place to start online – the UK’s national information centre for fatherhood ‘supports the welfare of children by the positive and active involvement of fathers and male carers in their lives’. Good source of information and even networking with other dads.
Good resource for single fathers Helpline: 07092 391489 or 07092 390210 www.dads-uk.co.uk
Helpful way to explore your employment rights www.tiger.gov.uk/paternity/employee.