2.
The Great Undoing
The one criticism of The Work I consistently hear is that it’s just too simple. People say, “Freedom can’t be this simple!” I answer, “Can you really know that that’s true?”
Judge your neighbor, write it down, ask four questions, turn it around. Who would imagine that freedom could be so simple?
Putting the Mind on Paper
The first step in The Work is to write down your judgments about any stressful situation in your life, past, present, or future—about a person you dislike or worry about, a situation with someone who angers or frightens or saddens you, or someone you’re ambivalent or confused about. Write your judgments down, just the way you think them. (Use a blank sheet of paper; or, if you have access to the Internet, you can go to http://www.thework.org, to the section called “Do The Work,” where you’ll find a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet to download and print.)
Don’t be surprised if you find this difficult. For thousands of years, we have been taught not to judge—but let’s face it, we still do it all the time. The truth is that we all have judgments running in our heads. Through The Work we finally have permission to let those judgments speak out, or even scream out, on paper. We find that even the most vile thoughts can be met with unconditional love.
I encourage you to write about someone—parent, lover, enemy—whom you haven’t yet totally forgiven. This is the most powerful place to begin. Even if you’ve forgiven that person 99 percent, you aren’t free until your forgiveness is complete. The 1 percent you haven’t forgiven them is the very place where you’re stuck in all your other relationships (including the relationship with yourself).
I strongly suggest that if you are new to inquiry, you not write about yourself at first. If you start by judging yourself, your answers come with a motive and with solutions that haven’t worked. Judging someone else, then inquiring and turning it around, is the direct path to understanding. You can judge yourself later, when you have been doing inquiry long enough to trust the power of truth.
If you begin by pointing the finger of blame outward, then the focus isn’t on you. You can just let loose and be uncensored. We’re often quite sure about what other people need to do, how they should live, whom they should be with. We have 20/20 vision about other people, but not about ourselves.
When you do The Work, you see who you are by seeing who you think other people are. Eventually you come to see that everything outside you is a reflection of your own thinking. You are the storyteller, the projector of all stories, and the world is the projected image of your thoughts.
Since the beginning of time, people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy. This hasn’t ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward. What The Work gives us is a way to change the projector—mind—rather than the projected. It’s like having a piece of lint on a projector’s lens. We think there’s a flaw on the screen, and we try to change this person and that person, whomever the flaw appears to be on next. But it’s futile to try to change the projected images. Once we realize where the lint is, we can clear the lens itself. This is the end of suffering, and the beginning of a little joy in paradise.
People often say to me, “Why should I judge my neighbor? I already know that it’s all about me.” I say, “I understand. And please trust the process. Judge your neighbor, and follow the simple directions.” Here are some examples of people you may want to write about: mother, father, wife, husband, children, siblings, partner, neighbor, friend, enemy, roommate, boss, teacher, employee, co-worker, teammate, salesmen, customers, men, women, authorities, God. Often, the more personal your choice is, the more potent The Work can be.
Later, as you become skilled in The Work, you may want to investigate your judgments about issues such as death, money, health, your body, your addictions, and even your own self-criticisms. (See chapter 6, “Doing The Work on Work and Money”; chapter 7, “Doing The Work on Self-Judgments”; and chapter 11, “Doing The Work on the Body and Addictions.”) In fact, once you are ready, you can write about and inquire into any uncomfortable thought that appears in your mind. When you realize that every stressful moment you experience is a gift that points you to your own freedom, life becomes very kind and abundant beyond all limits.
Why and How to Write on the Worksheet
Please avoid the temptation to continue without writing down your judgments. If you try to do The Work in your head, without putting your thoughts on paper, the mind will outsmart you. Before you’re even aware of it, it will be off and running into another story to corroborate your first statement. But though the mind can justify itself faster than the speed of light, it can be stopped through the act of writing. Once the mind is stopped on paper, thoughts remain stable, and inquiry can easily be applied.
Write down your thoughts without trying to censor them. Sit with your pen and paper and just wait. The words will come. The story will come. And if you really want to know the truth, if you’re not afraid to see your story on paper, the ego will write like a maniac. It doesn’t care; it’s totally uninhibited. This is the day the ego has been waiting for. Give it its life on paper. It has been waiting for you to stop, just once, and really listen to it. It will tell you everything, like a child. Then, when the mind is expressed on paper, you can inquire.
I invite you to be judgmental, harsh, childish, and petty. Write with the spontaneity of a child who is sad, angry, confused, or frightened. Don’t try to be wise, spiritual, or kind. This is the time to be totally honest and uncensored about how you feel. Allow your feelings to express themselves, without any fear of consequences or any threat of punishment.
People who have been in The Work for a while get pettier and pettier on their Worksheets, as they try to find the sticking-points that are left. Beliefs just get more subtle, more invisible, as problems dissolve. They’re just the last little children calling out, “Yoo-hoo! Here I am! Come and find me!” The more you do The Work, the more uncensored you become and the pettier you like to get, because it becomes hard to find something that will upset you. Eventually, you can’t find a problem. That’s an experience I hear from thousands of people.
Write down the thoughts and stories that are running through you, the ones that really cause you pain—the anger, the resentment, the sadness. Point the finger of blame first at people who have hurt you, the ones who have been closest to you, people you’re jealous of, people you can’t stand, people who have disappointed you. “My husband left me.” “My partner infected me with AIDS.” “My mother didn’t love me.” “My children don’t respect me.” “My friend betrayed me.” “I hate my boss.” “I hate my neighbors; they’re ruining my life.” Write about what you read this morning in the newspaper, about people being murdered or losing their homes through famine or war. Write about the checker at the grocery store who was too slow or about the driver who cut you off on the freeway. Every story is a variation on a single theme: This shouldn’t be happening. I shouldn’t have to experience this. God is unjust. Life isn’t fair.
People new to The Work sometimes think, “I don’t know what to write. Why should I do The Work anyway? I’m not angry at anyone. Nothing’s really bothering me.” If you don’t know what to write about, wait. Life will give you a topic. Maybe a friend didn’t call you back when she said she would, and you’re disappointed. Maybe when you were five years old, your mother punished you for something you didn’t do. Maybe you’re upset or frightened when you read the newspaper or think about the suffering in the world.
Put on paper the part of the mind that is saying these things. You can’t stop the story inside your head, however long you try. It’s not possible. But when you put the story on paper and write it just the way the mind is telling it, with all your suffering and frustration and rage and sadness, then you can take a look at what is swirling around inside you. You can see it brought into the material world, in physical form. And finally, through The Work, you can begin to understand it.
When a child gets lost, he may feel sheer terror. It can be just as frightening when you’re lost inside the mind’s chaos. But when you enter The Work, it is possible to find order and to learn the way back home. It doesn’t matter what street you walk down, there’s something familiar; you know where you are. You could be kidnapped and someone hides you away for a month and then throws you blindfolded out of a car, but when you take off the blindfold and look at the buildings and streets, you begin to recognize a phone booth or a grocery store, and everything becomes familiar. You know what to do to find your way home. That is how The Work functions. Once the mind is met with understanding, it can always find its way back home. There is no place where you can remain lost or confused.
The Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet
After my life changed in 1986, I spent a lot of time in the desert near my home, just listening to myself. Stories arose inside me that had been troubling mankind forever. Sooner or later, I witnessed every concept, it seemed, and I discovered that even though I was alone in the desert, the whole world was with me. And it sounded like this: “I want,” “I need,” “they should,” “they shouldn’t,” “I’m angry because,” “I’m sad,” “I’ll never,” “I don’t want to.” These phrases, which repeated themselves over and over in my mind, became the basis for the six sets of queries on the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet. The purpose of the Worksheet is to help you put your painful stories and judgments into writing; it’s designed to draw out judgments that otherwise might be difficult to uncover.
The judgments you write on the Worksheet will become the material that you’ll use to do The Work. You’ll put each written statement — one by one — up against the four questions and let each of them lead you to the truth.
On the next page, you’ll find an example of a completed Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet. I have written about my second husband, Paul, in this example (included here with his permission); these are the kinds of thoughts that I used to have about him before my life changed. As you read, you’re invited to replace Paul’s name with the appropriate name in your life.
1. Who angers or saddens or disappoints you? What is it about them that you didn’t or still don’t like?
I don’t like (I am angry at, or saddened, frightened, confused, etc., by) (name) Paul because he doesn’t listen to me. I’m angry at Paul because he doesn’t appreciate me. I’m angry at Paul because he wakes me at midnight and doesn’t care about my health. I don’t like Paul because he argues with everything I say. I’m saddened by Paul because he is so angry.
2. How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?
I want (name) Paul to give me his full attention. I want Paul to love me completely. I want Paul to be considerate of my needs. I want Paul to agree with me. I want Paul to get more exercise.
3. What is it that they should or shouldn’t do, be, think, or feel?
(Name) Paul shouldn’t watch so much television. Paul should stop smoking. Paul should tell me that he loves me. He shouldn’t ignore me. He shouldn’t criticize me in front of our children and friends.
4. Do you need anything from them? What do they need to give you or do in order for you to be happy?
I need (name) Paul to listen to me. I need Paul to stop lying to me. I need Paul to share his feelings and be emotionally available. I need Paul to be gentle and kind and patient.
5. What do you think of them? Make a list.
(Name) Paul is dishonest. Paul is reckless. Paul is childish. He thinks he doesn’t have to follow the rules. Paul is uncaring and unavailable. Paul is irresponsible.
6. What is it that you don’t ever want to experience with that person, thing, or situation again?
I don’t ever want or I refuse to live with Paul if he doesn’t change. I refuse to watch Paul ruin his health. I don’t ever want to argue with Paul again. I don’t ever want to be lied to by Paul again.
Inquiry: The Four Questions and Turnaround
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
and
Turn it around.
Now, using the four questions, let’s investigate the first statement from number 1 on the example: I don’t like Paul because he doesn’t listen to me. As you read along, think of someone you haven’t totally forgiven yet.
1. Is it true? Ask yourself, “Is it true that Paul doesn’t listen to me?” Be still. If you really want to know the truth, the answer will rise to meet the question. Let the mind ask the question, and wait for the answer that surfaces.
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? Consider these questions: “Can I really know that it’s true that Paul doesn’t listen to me? Can I ever really know when someone is listening or not? Am I sometimes not listening even when I appear to be?”
3. How do you react when you think that thought? At this point, examine how you react and how you treat Paul when you think the thought “Paul doesn’t listen to me.” Make a list. For example: “I give him ‘the look.’ I interrupt him. I punish him by not paying attention to him. I start talking faster and louder and try to force him to listen and understand.” Continue making your list as you go inside, and see how you treat yourself in that situation and how that feels. “I shut down. I isolate myself. I eat and sleep a lot, and I watch television for days. I feel depressed and lonely.” Be still and realize how you react when you believe the thought “Paul doesn’t listen to me.”
4. Who would you be without the thought? Now consider who you would be if you couldn’t think the thought “Paul doesn’t listen to me.” Close your eyes and imagine Paul not listening to you. Imagine you don’t have the thought that Paul doesn’t listen (or that he even should listen). Take your time. Notice what is revealed to you. What do you see? How does that feel?
Turn it around. The original statement “I don’t like Paul because he doesn’t listen to me,” when reversed, could become “I don’t like myself because I don’t listen to Paul.” Is that as true or truer for you? Are you listening to Paul when you’re thinking about him not listening to you? Continue to find other examples of how you don’t listen (to someone you work with or care about, for example).
Another turnaround that could be as true or truer is “I don’t like myself because I don’t listen to myself.” When you’re mentally out of your business and thinking about what Paul should be doing, are you listening to yourself? Do you put your own life on hold when you believe that he should listen? Can you hear how you talk to Paul when you believe that he should listen?
After sitting with the turnarounds, you would continue a typical inquiry with the next statement written in number 1 on the Worksheet—I’m angry at Paul because he doesn’t appreciate me—and then with every other statement on the Worksheet.
The turnarounds are your prescription for health, peace, and happiness. Can you give yourself the medicine that you have been prescribing for others?
Your Turn: The Worksheet
Now you know enough to try out The Work. First you’ll put your thoughts on paper. It’s not time to inquire with the four questions yet; we’ll do that later. Simply pick a person or situation and write, using short, simple sentences. Remember to point the finger of blame or judgment outward. You may write from your present position or from your point of view as a five-year-old or twenty-five-year-old. Please do not write about yourself yet.
1. Who angers or saddens or disappoints you? What is it about them that you didn’t or still don’t like? (Remember: Be harsh, childish, and petty.) I don’t like (I am angry at, or saddened, frightened, confused, etc., by) (name) because _____.
2. How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do? I want (name) to _____.
3. What is it that they should or shouldn’t do, be, think, or feel? (Name) should (shouldn’t) _____.
4. Do you need anything from them? What do they need to give you or do in order for you to be happy? (Pretend it’s your birthday and you can have anything you want. Go for it!) I need (name) to _____.
5. What do you think of them? Make a list. (Don’t be rational or kind.) (Name) is _____.
6. What is it that you don’t ever want to experience with that person, thing, or situation again? I don’t ever want or I refuse to _____.
[Note: Sometimes you may find yourself upset without knowing why. There is always an internal story, but occasionally it can be hard to find. If you feel blocked with the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet, see “When the Story Is Hard to Find,”]
Your Turn: The Inquiry
One by one, put each statement on the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet up against the four questions, and then turn around the statement you’re working on. (If you need help, refer back to the example.) Throughout this process, practice being open to possibilities beyond what you think you know. There’s nothing more exciting than discovering the don’t-know mind.
It’s like diving. Keep asking the question and wait. Let the answer find you. I call it the heart meeting the mind: the gentler polarity of mind (which I call the heart) meeting the polarity that is confused because it hasn’t been investigated. When the mind asks sincerely, the heart will respond. Many of you will begin to experience revelations about yourself and your world, revelations that can transform your whole life, forever.
Take the time now to give yourself a taste of The Work. Look at the first statement that you have written on number 1 of your Worksheet. Now ask yourself the following questions:
1. Is it true?
Take your time. The Work is about discovering what is true from the deepest part of yourself. It may not coincide with anything you’ve ever considered before. But when you experience your own answer, you’ll know it. Just be gentle, sit with it, and let it take you deeper in.
There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. You are listening for your answers now, not other people’s, and not anything you have been taught. This can be very unsettling, because you’re entering the unknown. As you continue to dive deeper, allow the truth within you to rise and meet the question. Be gentle as you give yourself to inquiry. Let this experience have you completely.
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
This is an opportunity to go deeper into the unknown, to find the answers that live beneath what we think we know. All I can tell you about this realm is that what lives beneath the nightmare is a good thing. Do you really want to know the truth?
If your answer to question 2 is yes, you can simply move on to the next question. But you may find it useful to pause and rewrite your statement in order to uncover your interpretation of it. Often it is the interpretation, which may be hidden from you, that causes you pain. For a detailed explanation of rewriting, see “When You Think That It’s True.”
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
Make a list. How do you treat yourself, how do you treat the person you’ve written about, when you think that thought? What do you do? Be specific. Make a list of your actions. What do you say to that person when you think that thought? List the things you say. How do you live when you believe that thought? List how each reaction feels physically inside you. Where do you feel it? How does it feel (tingling, hot, etc.)? What is the self-talk that goes on in your head when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Close your eyes and wait. Imagine yourself just for a moment without the thought. Imagine that you didn’t have the ability to think the thought as you stand in the presence of that person (or in that situation). What do you see? How does it feel? How is the situation different? List the possibilities for living your life without this concept. For example, how would you treat that person differently in the same situation without the thought? Does this feel kinder inside you?
Turn it around.
To do the turnaround, rewrite your statement. This time, write it as if it were written about you. Where you have written someone’s name, put yourself. Instead of “he” or “she,” put “I.” For example, “Paul should be kind to me” turns around to “I should be kind to myself” and “I should be kind to Paul.” Another type is a 180-degree turnaround to the extreme opposite: “Paul shouldn’t be kind to me.” He shouldn’t be kind, because he isn’t (in my opinion). This isn’t an issue of morality but of what’s actually true.
You may come to see that there are three or four or more turnarounds in one sentence. Or there may be just one or two that feel true for you. (The turnaround for statement number 6 on the Worksheet is different from the usual turnaround. We take the statement and replace “I don’t ever want to . . .” with “I am willing to . . .” and then “I look forward to. . . .”) See The Turnaround for help with turnarounds.
Consider whether or not the turned-around statement is as true as or truer than your original statement. For example, the turnaround “I should be kind to myself” does seem as true as or truer than the original statement, because when I think that Paul should be kind to me, I get angry and resentful, and I cause myself a lot of stress. This is not a kind thing to do. If I were kind to myself, I wouldn’t have to wait for kindness from others. “I should be kind to Paul”—that too is at least as true as the original statement. When I think that Paul should be kind to me and I get angry and resentful, I treat Paul very unkindly, especially in my mind. Let me begin with myself and act as I’d like Paul to act. As for “Paul shouldn’t be kind to me,” that is certainly truer than its opposite. He shouldn’t be kind, because he isn’t. That’s the reality of it.
The Inquiry Continued
Now it’s time for you to continue applying the four questions and the turnaround to your own judgments, one at a time. Read all the sentences you have written on your Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet. Then, one by one, investigate each statement by asking yourself:
1. Is it true?
2. Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do I react when I think that thought?
4. Who would I be without the thought?
and then
Turn it around.
If you try The Work now and it doesn’t seem to work for you, that’s fine. Just move on to the next chapter, or do The Work on a different person and come back to this one later. Don’t stop to worry about whether The Work is working or not. You’re just beginning to learn how to do it. It’s like riding a bike. All you need to do is keep wobbling on. As you read the dialogues, you’ll get a better feel for it. And you won’t necessarily be the first to notice that it’s working. You may find, as many people have, that it doesn’t seem to have any effect now, but you have already shifted in ways you can’t feel yet. The Work can be very subtle and profound.