Index

absenteeism, 49, 54

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), 123

accountability, 204

achievement motivation, 16–18, 21–22

Achor, Shawn, 319–324

active listening, 7, 146, 157

adaptability, 186

adrenaline, 315

adversarial relationships, 265–273

affirmative environment, 84, 91

aggression, 176, 177, 214

alexithymia, 224

Allred, Keith, 251

AMP Corporation, 84, 86

amygdala, 218, 295

anchoring, 217–221

anger

versus anxiety, 247

disappointment and, 254

expression of, 235

labeling, 198

in negotiations, 245–246, 250–252

triggers for, 224

in workplace, 195–196

anxiety, 224, 247–250, 296

appreciation, expressing, 100–101

Asian culture, 179, 260

assumptions, questioning your, 214

attachments

distorting, 66, 67, 71

emotional, 241, 242, 243

attention, 293

Auschwitz, 115, 117

authentic leaderships, 176–177

authority

charismatic, 181

questioning, 180–181

autonomy, employee, 51

avoidance, 211

Ballmer, Steve, 180

Barsade, Sigal, 343–352

Bartz, Carol, 178–179

behaviors

caring, 81, 91

improving, 203–204

mimicking, 230, 348

mood and, 37

neutralizing unproductive, 214–215

passive-aggressive, 275–281

penalizing bad, 102–105

rewarding good, 102

biases, 67–72

in decision making, 241–244,

fixed-pie, 250–251

body, tuning into the, 217–221

bosses

coercive, 31

hostile, 96–97

See also leaders/leadership

both/and mindset, 310

Boyatzis, Richard, 25–44, 172–173, 334

brain

decision-making process and the, 62–66

emotional tagging and the, 64–65

moods and the, 30–34

pattern recognition by the, 62–63

rewiring to build emotional intelligence, 37–44

science of the, 36–37, 40, 42, 43

breathing, 192, 218, 295

bricolage, 117–119

Brockner, Joel, 45–60

Broderick, Matthew, 61–62, 63–67

Brodksy, Andrew, 229–232

brooding, as maladaptive behavior, 132, 137

Brooks, Alison Wood, 245–258

Bunker, Kerry A., 143–159

burnout, 49, 180, 286, 289, 321, 344

Campbell, Andrew, 61–72

caring behavior, as part of group norm, 81, 91

CEO disease, 35–36

Challenger space shuttle, 257

change

brain science and, 40, 42

dealing with, 14–15

implementing, 29, 53

incentives for, 138

intentional change theory, 334

making lasting, 42–43

motivation for, 172–173

resistance to, 133, 137, 142

responses to, 133–138

sustaining, 334

charismatic authority, 181

China, emotional displays in, 260

Churchill, Winston, 52–53

Cisco, 106

Cisco Finance, 345–346

civility, 201–205

hiring for, 102

teaching, 102–103

See also incivility

Clendenin, John, 265–266, 267–273

Clinton, Bill, 176

coaching, 20, 203, 239, 334–335. See also mentoring

cognition, 235

cognitive abilities, 4, 5

cognitive breaks, 322–323

cognitive culture, 343

cognitive differences, 173

cognitive empathy, 293, 294, 296, 300

collaboration, 272

colleagues

adversarial, 265–273

helping development emotional intelligence in, 333–337

learning to say “no” to, 287

passive-aggressive, 275–281

Collins, Jim, 112, 117

command-and-control mentality, 150, 154

commitment to the organization, 17–18

common humanity, 314–315, 316

communication

across cultures, 259–261

via email, 229–232

companionate love, 346–347, 350

compassion, 179, 225, 296, 299–303

cultivation of, 301–302

defined, 300

versus empathy, 300

fatigue, 296

for self, 301, 313–318

compassionate firing, 350

competency models, 4–5

conductors, 177–178

conflicts

avoidance of, 179

defusing, 213–215

group, 234

confrontation, 80–81, 88, 91

Congleton, Christina, 121–128

corporate culture, 343

courage, 181

Coutu, Diane L., 107–120, 311–312

coworkers. See colleagues

creativity, 51–52, 98–99. See also improvisation

crisis management, 41

criticism

constructive, 309

responding to, 309

cross-boundary relationships, 85–87, 90–91

cross-functional assignments, 150–151, 154

crying, 257, 339

Csikszentmihakyi, Mihaly, 235

culture

Asian, 179, 260

cognitive, 343

corporate, 343

emotional, 343–352

working across, 259–261

customers

impact of incivility on, 99–100

lawsuits by, 48

Dalai Lama, 299, 302–303

Davey, Liane, 339–342

David, Susan, 121–128, 195–200, 209–211, 223–225

decision making, 241–244, 340,

biases in, 67–72

brain and, 62–66

emotional tagging and, 64–65

involving employees in, 54–55, 58–59

mistakes in, 61–72

deep breathing, 192, 218, 295

denial, 113, 131–132, 137, 308, 311

detachment, 295

difficult interactions, 213–215, 307–310

difficult people, turning enemies into allies, 265–273

disappointment, 254–255

distorting attachments, and decision making, 66, 67, 71

distractions, 322

downsizing, 45–46, 53–54, 56

Duke, David, 181

Dunlap, Shannon, 265–273

ego-defense mechanisms, 38–39

emails, 229–232

emotional agility, 121–128, 196, 209

Emotional and Social Competency Inventory (ESCI), 335

emotional attachment, 241, 242, 243

emotional awareness, 82

emotional competencies, 143–159

emotional contagion, 25–44, 55, 348

emotional culture

in action, 344–347

of companionate love, 346–347, 350

creating, 347–349

defined, 343

implementation of, 349–350

of joy, 344–346

managing your, 343–352

top management and, 349–350

emotional empathy, 294, 295, 296, 300

emotional intelligence

about, 167

building, 7, 10–11, 37–44, 73–93

components of, 5, 6–23, 170–171

defined, 168

development of, 172–174, 177, 333–337

evaluation of, 4–9

of groups, 73–93

of leaders, 167–181

leadership and, 3–23, 25–26, 37, 183–187

measurement of, 183–187

overemphasis on, 173

performance and, 25–44

realism about, 168–169

sources of, 167

training, 92

emotional leadership, 25–44

emotional maturity, lack of, 144, 145, 148, 151–153

emotional outbursts

handling, 339–342

recovering from, 223–225

emotional resilience, 314. See also resilience

emotional self-control, 186

emotional self-management, 234–235

emotional style, of leaders, 25–55

emotional tagging, 64–65, 241

emotional triggers, 224

emotions

cross-cultural interpretation of, 259–261

disclosing your, 224–225

versus feelings, 191

function of, 209–210, 211

group, 78, 81–84

ignoring, 192

impact of leaders,’ 25–44

of individuals, 76–81

intensity of, 197–198

labeling, 125–126, 195–198

managing, 224–225, 256–258

mirroring, 235

misinterpretation of, in emails, 229–232

modeling, 348, 350

myths about, 340

negative, 55–56, 121–128, 133–138, 219, 235, 266–268, 271–272, 344, 347, 348

in negotiations, 245–258

outside of group, 85–87

paying attention to, 219

positive, 235, 344

reactions to, 210–211

recognizing your, 134, 224

regulation of, 80–81, 83–84, 88

self-regulation of, 13–16

stating your, 230–231

suppression of, 195–196, 219, 223

terms for, 197

trust and, 266–267

understanding, 191–193, 224

vocabulary for, 195–200

writing about, 198–199, 219

See also specific emotions

empathic concern, 294, 295, 296, 300

empathy, 5, 7, 8, 10–11, 18–21, 171, 179

bodily awareness and, 219

cognitive, 293, 294, 296, 300

versus compassion, 300

controlling, 296

conveying, 287

development of, 295

emotional, 294, 295, 296, 300

lack of, 172

measurement of, 187

understanding, 293–297

use of, 180, 233–234, 235

employees

appreciation for, 100–101

autonomy of, 51

dreams of, 334–335

fairness toward, 45–60

giving difficult feedback to, 237–240

helping development emotional intelligence in, 333–337

involving in decision making, 54–55, 57–59

laid-off, 45–46, 53–54

negative life events of, 54

postdeparture interviews with, 105

retaliation by, 47–48

treating with respect, 201–205

enemies, turning into allies, 265–273

energy auditing, 204–205

enthusiasm, 259–260

ESCI (Emotional and Social Competency Inventory), 335

excitement, 255–257

exit interviews, 105

exposure therapy, 250

external recovery, 322

fair process, 45–60

fear, 218

feedback

absorbing, 141

adapting to, 133–138, 142

external, 139–141

fear of, 129–142

giving difficult, 237–240

reframing, 135–136

seeking, 174–175, 202

seeking out, 90, 101, 138–141

taking action on, 141–142

360-degree, 39–40, 59, 140, 146, 148–149, 153, 154, 175, 335

feedforward, 203

feelings. See emotions

versus emotions, 191

Fenton, Traci, 350

Feynman, Richard, 118–119

fight-or-flight response, 247, 252

Finkelstein, Sydney, 61–72

fixed-pie bias, 250–251

forgiveness, 225

Frankl, Viktor E., 108–109, 115, 117

Frost, Peter, 283, 284

Gallo, Amy, 275–281

gap analysis, 335–336

Gates, Bill, 31

gemba, 179

genetics, 36–37, 111–112, 167

George, William, 176–177

Gergen, David, 175–176

Germer, Christopher, 313–318

Ghosn, Carlos, 179

Gielan, Michelle, 319–324

Gino, Francesca, 249

globalization, and empathy, 20

Goldberg, Elkhonon, 173–174

Goldsmith, Marshall, 203

Goleman, Daniel, 3–23, 25–44, 169–172, 183, 235, 293–297, 299–303, 333–334

governance, and decision making, 70–72

grandiosity, 181

group dynamics, 233–235

group identity, 74, 78, 81, 92, 93

groups

emotional intelligence of, 73–93

emotions of, 78, 81–84

norms, 79, 81, 84, 85, 87, 90–93, 103–104

See also teams

group conflicts, 234

guilt, 288

Gunning, Tom, 265, 267–273

Gutierrez, Carlos, 350

habits, changing, 40, 42

happiness, 255–257

Hay Group, 80, 92

Heifetz, Ronald, 180–181

Hewlett-Packard, 79

hiring practices, 12, 102

Homeland Security Operations Center, 61–62, 63, 65, 66–67

homeostasis, 321

honesty, 178–179

Huffington, Arianna, 320

Hurricane Katrina, 62, 63, 65, 66–67

IBM, 65

IDEO, 76–77, 87–89, 93

immaturity, 145–146, 148

imperfection, 310

improvisation, 111, 118–119, 312. See also bricolage

incentives, for making change, 138

incidental emotional manipulation, 248

incivility, 95–106, 201, 205

costs of, 98–100, 106

forms of, 96–97

handling, 100–106

informal networks, 147, 154, 157–159

information economy, and empathy, 20

ingenuity, and resilience, 117–120

innovation, 51–52, 98–99

integrity, 15, 16

intentional change theory, 334

intentions, of others, 213–214

internal recovery, 322

interpersonal competencies, 143–159

interpersonal limbic regulation, 32

interpersonal sensitivity, 55

interpersonal understanding, 79, 81, 90

Jackman, Jay M., 129–142

Japan, emotional displays in, 260

jealousy, as maladaptive behavior, 132–133

journaling, 204

joy, 344–346

Jung, Andrea, 174–175

Katz, Rob, 345

Kets de Vries, Manfred F. R., 325–330

King, Martin Luther, Jr., 176

knowledge gaps, 56

Kram, Kathy, 143–159

Kushner, Harold, 176

labeling emotions, 195–198

laid-off employees, fair treatment of, 45–46, 53–54

lawsuits

malpractice, 48, 54

wrongful termination, 45, 46, 47–48

Leadership Self-Study, 335

leaders/leadership

authentic, 176–177

competency models for, 4–5

decision making by, 61–72, 241–244

development of, 173, 176–177

emotional intelligence and, 3–23, 25–26, 37, 167–181, 183–187

emotions, and, 25–44

feedback for, 174–175

management of incivility by, 100–106

mean-spirited, 31

mirroring emotions of, 235

mood contagion and, 25–43

motivation of, 16–18

political, 175–176

primal, 25–44

process fairness and, 58–59

resonant, 35–36, 41

respectfulness by, 201–205

self-awareness and, 168, 174–175, 176–177

style of, 38

learning agenda, for growth and development, 40, 42–43, 44

learning plan, 335–336

Levi-Strauss, Claude, 117–118

limbic system, 10, 30–34

Lincoln, Abraham, 175

listening, active, 7, 146, 157

loneliness, 347

loving-kindness, 302

Maddi, Salvatore R., 115–116

maladaptive responses, to negative emotions, 129, 137

malpractice suits, 48, 54

Manning, Christopher, 202–203

Markman, Art, 191–193

Mayer, John D., 168–169

McClelland, David, 9

McKee, Annie, 25–44, 183–187, 233–236, 276, 277–280, 333–337

meaning, search for, 110–111, 114–117, 312

meaning therapy, 115, 117

medical errors, and process fairness, 54

meditation, 177, 301–302, 347

meetings, 233–236

memories, misleading, 66–67, 71, 241, 242, 243

mental breaks, 322–323

mentoring, 20, 158–159

Merrill Lynch, 41

mimicry, behavioral, 230, 348

mindfulness, 217–221, 301–302, 314, 315, 316, 347

mirroring, 235

miscommunication, in emails, 229–232

mistakes, in decision making, 61–72

Molinsky, Andy, 259–261

mood contagion, 25–44, 55

moods

genetics and, 36–37

good, 34, 43

science of, 30–34

Morgan Stanley, 113–114

motivation, 5, 6, 8, 16–18, 21–22, 170–173, 276

motivational system, 191–192

multitasking, 235

negative emotions

engaging with, 192–193, 219

impact of, 344

managing, 121–128, 133–138

mirroring, 235

physiological effects of, 266–267

redirection of, 267–268, 271–272

spread of, 55–56, 348

venting, 347

negative feedback, 237–240

negative feelings, 192–193

negative motivation, 173

negative thoughts, 121–128

reframing, 213–214

negotiations, 245–258

anger in, 245–246, 250–252

anxiety in, 247–250

counterpart’s emotions in, 256–257

disappointment and regret in, 254–255

happiness and excitement in, 255–257

as interpersonal process, 256

managing emotions in, 256–258

post-settlement settlement, 255

preparation for, 253

rapport building in, 252

neuropsychology, 173

neurotransmitters, 10

Nixon, Richard, 176

norms, 79, 81, 84, 85, 87, 90–93, 103–104

O’Neill, Olivia A., 343–352

openness, 240

operational autonomy, 51

optimism, 38, 84, 112–113, 169, 185

organizational change. See change

organizational context, for teams, 85–87

organizational culture, 93, 343–352

outcome fairness, 46–48

Ovans, Andrea, 299–303

overwork, 319–321

oxytocin, 32, 295, 315

passive-aggressive colleagues, 275–281

pattern recognition, 62–63, 241, 242

Pearson, Christine, 95–106

peer networking, and young managers, 158

peer relationships, and young managers, 150

performance

impact of incivility on, 99

leader’s mood and, 25–44

process fairness and, 50–52

of teams, 78

performance reviews, 12, 129, 130, 136. See also feedback

personal development, 154, 155–157

personality traits, 168–169, 179

personal notes, and appreciation, 100–101

Personal Values Card Sort, 124. See also values

perspective taking, 79–80, 90

Philip Morris, 117

pleasures, enjoying little, 219–220

political leadership, 175–176

Porath, Christine, 95–106, 201–205

positive emotions, 235, 344

positive outlook, 185

post-settlement settlement, 255

prefrontal cortex, 42, 295, 296

primal leadership, 25–44

problem solving, 84, 91

process fairness, 45–60

business case for, 46–50, 56

as performance booster, 50–52

reasons for lack of, 52–56

steps to achieve, 56–60

procrastination, as maladaptive behavior, 131, 134, 137

productivity, 320

Progressive Casualty Insurance, 52

promotion

delaying, 145, 147, 149–151, 154, 159

of young managers, 143–159

Quaker Oats, 67

rapport building, 21, 252. See also social skills

rationality, 266, 269–271, 272–273

reality, 110, 112–114, 311

recharging, 319–324

reciprocity, 266, 268–269, 272

recovery periods, 322

red flag conditions, 66–72, 241, 243

redirection, 266, 267–268, 271–272

reflection, 204–205

reframing, negative thoughts, 213–214

regret, 254–255

relationship building, 22. See also social skills

relationship management, 34–35

relationships, adversarial, 265–273

reprimanding, 239

resilience, 107–120

buzz about, 108–112

cultivation of, 110–120, 311–312

defined, 320

emotional, 314

genetics and, 111–112

measurement of, 325–330

misconceptions about, 319–320

in the moment, 307–310

recharging, 319–324

research on, 109–110

theories on, 110–112

training, 115–116

resonant leaders, 35–36, 41

respect, 201–205

Riess, Helen, 295

rivalries, 265–273

Robinson, Sandra L., 283–290

Roosevelt, Franklin Delano, 175

rudeness, 95–106

Russell, Steve, 61

sadness, 224, 252

Schabram, Kira, 283–290

Schrempp, Jürgen, 61

Schweitzer, Maurice, 248, 249

self-aggrandizement, 177

self-assessment, and feedback, 139

self-awareness, 5, 6, 8, 9, 12–13, 34, 148, 168, 170

building, 38–39

empathy and, 294

group, 82

importance of, 174–175

improving, 202–205

of leaders, 176–177

measurement of, 185

self-compassion, 313–318

self-confidence, 169

self-control, 186

self-criticism, 313

self-delusions, 38–39

self-discovery, 38–39

self-evaluation, and teams, 82

self-image, 213, 307–310

self-interest, 66, 68, 71, 241, 242, 243

selfishness, 176

self-management, 34, 234–235

self-reflection, 204–205

self-regulation, 5, 6, 8, 13–16, 170

self-sabotage, as maladaptive behavior, 133, 136

senior management. See leaders/leadership

September 11, 2001, 41, 113–114

shame, 313

Shark Tank, 249

shortcomings, discovering your, 202–203

sleep, 320

smiling, 33, 104

Smithburg, William, 67

Snapple, 67

social awareness, 34

social capital, 169

social competence, 75

social harmony, 179

social skills, 5, 7, 8, 21–23, 86–87, 171

Solzhenitsyn, Aleksandr, 116

Stockdale, Admiral Jim, 112–113

Stone, Linda, 180

strategic fitness process (SFP), 51

stress

overwork and, 320, 321

physical symptoms of, 196

staying grounded in dealing with, 217–221

symptoms of, 286

workplace, 195–196, 209–210, 220, 283–290

stress management, 49, 88–89

Strober, Myra M., 129–142

Su, Amy, 275, 277

support network, 43–44, 135

surface acting, 348–349

Sweha, Sherif, 350

Takeuchi, Hirotaka, 179

talent retention, and empathy, 20

teams

cross-boundary relationships, 85–87

emotional intelligence of, 73–93

emotional interaction in, 74–76

handling emotional outbursts on, 339–342

individuals’ emotions and, 76–81

regulating emotions on, 83–84

self-evaluation, 90

See also groups

technology, 322

therapy, 289

third-party negotiators, 250

Thomas, Michael Tilson, 177–178

thoughts

acceptance of, 126

labeling, 125–126

negative, 121–128

reframing, 136, 137

threats, to self-image, 308–310

3Rs method, 266–273

360-degree feedback, 39–40, 59, 140, 146, 148–149, 153, 154, 175, 335

Ting, Sharon, 143–159

toxic handler, 283–290

training

in civility, 102–103

emotional intelligence, 92

fair-process, 56–58

resilience, 115–116

triggers, 224

trust, 266–267, 301, 336

unconscious thinking, and decision making, 65

Unplugged, 322

unproductive behaviors, 214–215

UPS, 119–120

Urch Druskat, Vanessa, 73–93

Uzzi, Brian, 265–273

vacation days, 322

Vail, 344–345

Valcour, Monique, 237–240

values 116–117, 124, 128, 210–211

venting, 290, 347

visualization, and making change, 42–43

wah, 179

Wang, An, 65

Washington, George, 175

Weiss, Leah, 217–221

Whitehead, Jo, 61–72

Wolff, Steven B., 73–92

Wordle.net, 202

work

emotional outbursts at, 223–225, 339–342

rivalries at, 265–273

stress at, 195–196, 209–210, 220, 283–290

workaholism, 320

work environment, 26, 30, 51, 84, 91

WorldBlu, 350

writing

about emotions, 198–199, 219

emails, 229–232

wrongful termination suits, 45, 46, 47

Zappos, 104