CHAPTER 5

“Where Do I Start?”

You Can Do It All, but Not at the Same Time (Take Aim)

“We are often completely focused on preventing the event we dread, and we forget that joy is also possible even in an unpredictable world.” —THICH NHAT HANH

The Sheer Volume Is Daunting

The early years of parenting were completely overwhelming for me. Routine requirements to keep a household running smoothly were extensive (and not unique to me): school and homework, sports and cultural activities, playdates, meal planning, laundry, carpooling, working, religious education, extended family, supporting each other, basic health care, paying the bills, being a good neighbor and friend, clothes shopping, food shopping, and more.

Raising children taxes any parent’s capacity for organization, self-management, and overall emotional management!

When you add a family member with complex challenges into the mix, it stretches the limits even further. And when an adult has their own challenges, too, they often bulge at the seams with the added weight of responsibility (see Chapter 2).

Basic parenting is magnified when kids are:

• bouncing off the furniture and the walls;

• losing everything from lunch boxes to coats to socks (oh, the socks!);

• having epic meltdowns long past their toddler years;

• clinging tightly to their parents, hesitant to face the world independently; and/or

• annoying parents and teachers by staring off into space, jumping too quickly into action, or reacting so intensely the family feels they’re walking on eggshells.

In addition to the fundamentals of family life, complex kids come with a host of other responsibilities required of parents:

• support for school challenges;

• additional teacher and school meetings;

• advocating for school accommodations;

• additional medical appointments, assessments, therapies, and tutors;

• supervising playdates;

• responding to meltdowns and upsets;

• explaining kids to extended family members, coaches, and teachers;

• family arguments and upsets;

• extra emotional support;

• staying while kids fall asleep;

• helping kids manage even the most basic routines;

• setting up routines that work for specific kids; and

• parent training, coaching, and support.

Simply put, kids who are wired to be impulsive, clingy, distracted, disorganized, fearful, emotionally unregulated, and/or hyperactive can wreak havoc in the life of a family, requiring a great deal more than typical parenting.

And those are just the things parents are responsible for. It doesn’t include all the things that kids need to learn to do for themselves (that parents need to teach them). That’s where the real challenge comes in for many parents—how to help kids in a way that they’ll receive it.

Beyond the extra burden of supporting and advocating for special needs, there is an emotional load on parents of complex kids that is difficult to articulate, and it carries the heaviest weight of all—worry.

Usually, parents have had a sense that “something is not quite right” for quite some time. They are scared, angry, overwhelmed, or all three. They are ready (read: desperate) for something to change. And they want it to change now, before it’s too late!

Many parents feel an urgency to address all of their kids’ issues at once. Concern that their kids won’t be ready for the future compels them to double-down on action (or discipline). So they apply pressure, to themselves and their kids, which compounds the problems. Trying to tackle everything at once seems like the only solution; and yet it makes things worse, not better.

The simple truth is this: when there are complex issues in the house, the struggle is real!

Coach’s Reframe: Take a Marathon View

Anyone who has participated in a long-distance event—and I must admit that does not include me—will tell you that you don’t just show up on the day of the event. And when you pace yourself in a race, you don’t necessarily focus on the finish line; instead, you focus on where you are at that moment. Checking in with your body, breath, and mind, you pay attention to taking the next step.

There are two key components to marathon success:

Preparation: the proper equipment, nutrition and fuel, water (over time), sleep, hours of practice, etc.

Pacing Yourself: taking things steady. If you push to hit a 4-minute mile with 20 miles remaining, you’ll likely putter out before the finish line. You need periodic food and water and a steady pace to finish the race.

Family life goes at a rapid pace. The sheer volume of responsibilities is enormous. Success—and sanity—rely on taking a marathon view. After all, parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s a life-long event that requires endurance, attention, commitment, and the ongoing awareness that you’re in it for the long haul. The sooner you learn to pace yourself, the better for everyone.

Don’t underestimate the role of endurance in parenting.

Chances are you didn’t begin parenting thinking about the importance of a steady pace. Theoretically you knew you were in it for the duration, but before you had kids, you had no idea what that meant! And that was before you discovered your kids had complex needs.

I often say to my clients, “you can do it all, just not at the same time.” This awareness—giving yourself permission to focus on incremental change—is positively liberating. Call it what you want—self-care, balance, consciousness, prioritizing—it all comes down to learning to pace yourself.

That means:

• taking the long view;

• accepting that life is a process, not a destination;

• letting go of the need for everything to happen when it “should;”

• allowing kids to develop at their pace, not rushing them to grow up before they’re ready;

• accepting that you deserve to take care of yourself too;

• thinking through the next decision, instead of searching for the “right” answer;

• allowing for flexibility, because life changes on a dime;

• letting go of competition and focusing on what’s important for your kids; and

• planning for the future while still allowing for change.

Don’t underestimate the role of endurance in parenting. The physical challenges—sleeplessness, stress, carrying, and lifting—are enough to keep us fit or age us exponentially. But it’s the emotional challenges that keep us up at night. The marathon view can help with this burden, freeing you up from trying to make everything okay forever, and inviting you to focus on next steps for improvement.

Strategy: Take Aim

On a group-coaching call, Janel celebrated that she finally “got” the strategy of Taking Aim. She was working on getting her 7-year-old son to get dressed by himself before school, and she admitted she hadn’t believed he could do it independently. Then she repeated, “just one thing,” reminding him (and herself) of the goal. Within about a week, he came downstairs dressed and ready for school. She was crying and laughing at the same time.

If you’re wondering how to take the marathon view without feeling constantly stressed out, start with step 1 of the Impact Model: Take Aim. Instead of trying to do everything, target one challenge at a time, get specific, and get results. You can take aim on either of two levels:

Macro: Look at the big picture and identify a general area that you want to see improved, such as logistics at home at the start of a school year or relationships later in the year.

Micro: Tackle daily concerns, narrowing in on a single focus as specifically as possible. For example, it takes many steps to get from the pillow to the bus stop or carpool. To improve mornings, target the first specific behavior you want to see changed, such as waking up, getting out of bed, getting dressed, brushing teeth, or eating breakfast.

If you’re thinking “Choose one? But there are so many things I want to take care of!” you’re not alone. When there’s considerable room for improvement, choosing is difficult. And truly, it almost doesn’t matter where you start. Target something you feel will lighten a burden or relieve some pain for you or your child. And yes, it’s absolutely acceptable to start by taking aim on something that is making you bug-nuts. Relieving your stress will lighten the load for the whole family.

Ask yourself, “What’s the change I want to see?” Depending on your child’s progress, focus on that for a day, a week, a month, or longer. In group coaching, we guide parents to Take Aim twice a month. Sometimes they’ll choose a new topic for each call; other times, they’ll choose the same issue multiple times, taking the time to Rinse and Repeat (Chapter 12) so the change will last.

Cultivating independence happens in baby steps. When we focus on one change at a time, we avoid overwhelm, increase consistency, and get results—for us and our kids. It also allows everyone to experience success, which breeds more success. Taking Aim allows us to help kids increase independence in one area while we scaffold them in others.

For example, if we want kids to get out of bed in the mornings when the alarm goes off, we might continue to provide support the rest of the morning, navigating the hot spots while they focus on getting out of bed independently. Here’s the beauty: when one area starts to improve, it cascades into others. Once your child feels successful getting out of bed, they might start brushing their teeth without reminder, as well. You’ll see the progress more clearly when you focus on improving one thing at a time.

When a new parent in our private Facebook group asked for advice, a mom from England replied: “Take aim. Just pick one thing at a time to focus on. Otherwise it’s so overwhelming. My 10-year-old was diagnosed with combined type ADHD last year. I thought we’d never get out of the dark and challenging place. Almost a year later, it’s amazing to see how far we’ve come.”

Say No to Gremlins

As adults, we are alert to cyber-bullying, road rage, and workplace anger management. Bullying starts in childhood and persists throughout our lives. But the worst bullies, by far, are the ones who live inside us. They’re the hardest to avoid—and the only ones we have the power to change.

You can change a bully’s behavior when that bully is you.

We all have an inner voice that’s not helpful or supportive. Known in the coaching world as the “inner critic,” “saboteur,” “gremlin,” or “ogre,” these internal messengers create mischief in our heads. The gremlin points out everything we’re doing wrong and tells us that we can’t do anything right. It tries to prevent us from changing anything, in any way—even for the better. Its mission is to maintain the status quo.

Gremlins can be loud and annoying or softspoken and insidious. Though they sound convincing, they don’t speak the truth. They rely on our buy in for their power, but we don’t have to give it to them.

My primary gremlin’s name is Prudence, and she’s a cold, calculating shrew masquerading as a warm, loving, professional Jewish mother. She’d like me to think she’s guiding me with the wisdom of Ruth Bader Ginsberg, but I know she’s really the voice of Dolores Umbridge. I confess that I used to give Prudence free reign to make me feel terrible about myself. I would never speak to my friends or family the way I let her speak to me.

Do you ever say things to yourself like, “I’m such an idiot,” “how could I have been so stupid?,” “what was I thinking!?,” “I can’t do anything right,” “there’s no way I can do that,” or “why would they want me, anyway?”

Those are your gremlins hard at work.

Of course, the bully does not act alone. Like Malfoy has his goons in Harry Potter, the internal bully has the world of popular culture—television, movies, magazines, and social media—to protect and energize it. We get messages that we should be thinner, smoother, smarter, and/or sexier. Our gremlins cruelly turn these social images on us. They reinforce all of the world’s misleading “shoulds” (see Chapter 1).

I taught my kids to recognize their gremlin voices, and even gave them little gremlin finger-puppets to squeeze in their pockets when they started to feel bad about themselves. I’ve had adult clients put their gremlin finger-puppets on refrigerator magnets and radio controls in the car. Anything to externalize and expose them for the menaces they can be.

HOW TO TAME THE BULLY WITHIN

Pay attention to the messages you tell yourself. If you hear yourself saying things you’d never say to someone you love, ask yourself, “Is that true?” Don’t let your bully get away with speaking lies and pretending they’re facts.

Fail forward (see Chapter 8). Cut yourself some slack and learn from your mistakes without making yourself “bad.”

Accept life’s “whoops” factor. Stop making excuses or blaming others for mistakes; they happen. Owning your mistakes will earn respect from others and help you stand up to your gremlins with confidence.

The challenge with gremlins is that they have the inside scoop. They know how to push our buttons better than anyone, and how to use them at just that weak moment when they’ll hit a vulnerable spot. But you can change a bully’s behavior when that bully is you. When you do, you’ll teach your children to do the same. That’s the best way to stand up to a bully!

Say Yes to What’s Most Important

I was once so worried that my kids wouldn’t learn to manage the basics of their lives that I tried to capture everything they needed to do, every day, from Sun-up to Sun-down, in one “simple” reward chart. It was the pinnacle of my trying to do it all. In hindsight, it was an absurd attempt to try to control everything (see Chapter 10).

The chart was ridiculously complicated—they earned two points for this, lost a point for that. It was more than I could keep track of, and a whole lot more than anyone could handle. My need to tackle every problem at once left me, my husband, and my kids feeling overwhelmed and discouraged.

In theory, if I had captured all the things that I thought were important as a quiet guideline for myself to tackle one at a time, it could have been useful. But as a daily task list, it stressed out the whole family. I didn’t understand how important it was to simplify what was on my kids’ plates, so they could figure out where to focus. Some things needed to wait.

Everything: Earn & Lose

EARNING POINTS

Task	Points	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun
Morning Routine
Out of Bed by 6:45am	2
Make Bed & Lights Out	2
Downstairs by 7:05	2
Take Vitamins @ Bfast	2
Glass of water @ Bfast	1
Ready to Walk @ 7:40am	2
Feed the Dog (Josh)	1
Nose Wash, Sprays and Steam	5
After-School Routine
Unload Backpack/Look at Planner	1
Lunchbox unpacked (fridge & dishwasher	2
Get a Snack	1
Cup of water	1
Start homework without reminder	1
Homework put away when done (Josh)	1
Hang coats on hooks & shoes away	2
Put backpacks where they belong	1
Nose Wash, Sprays and Steam	5
Check Planner for Homework	2
Mealtime Routine
Stay at Table (Josh)	1
Try new food	1
Excuse self	1
Clear Plate & to Dishwasher	1
Take Trash out after meal, as needed	1
Clearing Parents’ Plates	1
Evening Routine
Take Vitamins (if forgotten in a.m.)	1
Bed on time (josh: 8; syd: 9; Bec: 10)	1
Read to self for 15/20 min	2
Lights out (josh: 8:30; syd: 9:30; B 10	1
Ten Minute Clean up (table, HW, room)	3
Nose Wash, Sprays and Steam	5
Pack Backpacks/Homework away	1
Weekly Routines
Exercise (3-4x) (1 ea; 5 for 4)	1
Practice Instruments (3-4x) (1 ea; 5 fo	1
Clean Cubbies/empty Basket (noon Sun 3
Put Away Laundry (by Fri)	3
Return bucket to laundry rm by mon a.	1
Clean Dog’s ears	2
Wash Dog	2
Recycling/Trash Down the Hill	1
Recycling/Trash containers up the hill	1
Fill in Next Week’s Planner	2
Miscellaneous Points--Discretionary
Wash cars	5
Vacuum Cars	5
Mow the Lawn	5
Blow the Leaves	5
Do own Laundry	4
Take Laundry upstairs	1
Pick up Sticks and rocks (lawn)	2
Morning Routine
Downstairs after 7:15am	-5
Shoes not on before leaving	-2
Leave lunch at home	#
Leave lunch at home & have delivered	#
Feed self before dog (Josh)	-2
After-School Routine
Lunchbox NOT cleared	-3
Coats not on hooks	-2
Mealtime Routine
Leave Table without clearing	-1
Not Taking Vitamins all day	-2
No polite bite	-1
Evening Routine
More than 15 min late (Josh)	-3
More than 30 min late (Syd)(Bec)	-3
Homework not put away/backpack unre -3
Weekly Routines
Walk by laundry at bottom of stairs	-3
Don’t clean cubbies/basket	-5
Kat’s Water Empty (Syd)	-2
Clothes not away by Sun 5:00	-5
Laundry basket not down by Mon	-1
Miscellaneous Points--Discretionary
“I was just…”	-1
“I know” without listening	-1
“wait…wait…wait…”	-1
Leaving stuff lying around (basket)	-5
Arguing when asked to do family chore	-5
Leaving computer light on	-2
Not logging out of Homework computer -2
Not throwing out trash/Cleaning up after -2
Screaming at parent/adult (-2 to -5)
Hitting, kicking, biting (-2 to -5)
Tantrums/meltdowns (-2 to -5)

LOSING POINTS

Task	Points	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun
Morning Routine
Out of Bed by 6:45am	2
Make Bed & Lights Out	2
Downstairs by 7:05	2
Take Vitamins @ Bfast	2
Glass of water @ Bfast	1
Ready to Walk @ 7:40am	2
Feed the Dog (Josh)	1
Nose Wash, Sprays and Steam	5
After-School Routine
Unload Backpack/Look at Planner	1
Lunchbox unpacked (fridge & dishwasher	2
Get a Snack	1
Cup of water	1
Start homework without reminder	1
Homework put away when done (Josh)	1
Hang coats on hooks & shoes away	2
Put backpacks where they belong	1
Nose Wash, Sprays and Steam	5
Check Planner for Homework	2
Mealtime Routine
Stay at Table (Josh)	1
Try new food	1
Excuse self	1
Clear Plate & to Dishwasher	1
Take Trash out after meal, as needed	1
Clearing Parents’ Plates	1
Evening Routine
Take Vitamins (if forgotten in a.m.)	1
Bed on time (josh: 8; syd: 9; Bec: 10)	1
Read to self for 15/20 min	2
Lights out (josh: 8:30; syd: 9:30; B 10	1
Ten Minute Clean up (table, HW, room)	3
Nose Wash, Sprays and Steam	5
Pack Backpacks/Homework away	1
Weekly Routines
Exercise (3-4x) (1 ea; 5 for 4)	1
Practice Instruments (3-4x) (1 ea; 5 fo	1
Clean Cubbies/empty Basket (noon Sun 3
Put Away Laundry (by Fri)	3
Return bucket to laundry rm by mon a.	1
Clean Dog’s ears	2
Wash Dog	2
Recycling/Trash Down the Hill	1
Recycling/Trash containers up the hill	1
Fill in Next Week’s Planner	2
Miscellaneous Points--Discretionary
Wash cars	5
Vacuum Cars	5
Mow the Lawn	5
Blow the Leaves	5
Do own Laundry	4
Take Laundry upstairs	1
Pick up Sticks and rocks (lawn)	2
Morning Routine
Downstairs after 7:15am	-5
Shoes not on before leaving	-2
Leave lunch at home	#
Leave lunch at home & have delivered	#
Feed self before dog (Josh)	-2
After-School Routine
Lunchbox NOT cleared	-3
Coats not on hooks	-2
Mealtime Routine
Leave Table without clearing	-1
Not Taking Vitamins all day	-2
No polite bite	-1
Evening Routine
More than 15 min late (Josh)	-3
More than 30 min late (Syd)(Bec)	-3
Homework not put away/backpack unre -3
Weekly Routines
Walk by laundry at bottom of stairs	-3
Don’t clean cubbies/basket	-5
Kat’s Water Empty (Syd)	-2
Clothes not away by Sun 5:00	-5
Laundry basket not down by Mon	-1
Miscellaneous Points--Discretionary
“I was just…”	-1
“I know” without listening	-1
“wait…wait…wait…”	-1
Leaving stuff lying around (basket)	-5
Arguing when asked to do family chore	-5
Leaving computer light on	-2
Not logging out of Homework computer -2
Not throwing out trash/Cleaning up after -2
Screaming at parent/adult (-2 to -5)
Hitting, kicking, biting (-2 to -5)
Tantrums/meltdowns (-2 to -5)

When our kids are babies, we want them to be happy and healthy, which is relatively easy to accomplish. As they grow older, the stakes get higher. Everything from the moment they awaken to the time they go to sleep represents their future. We lose sight of our deep desire for them to be healthy and happy.

It’s a tall order to expect all that we want from them at once. We look to outcomes, such as finished homework, good grades, and completed chores. We establish measures of success, such as doing well in school, making and keeping good friends, and being obedient, respectful, and considerate. We want it all—now.

For your child’s long-term health and happiness, start small. Focus on the next hurdle instead of the long race. As you embrace the marathon, take aim to quiet the gremlin voices and focus on what’s absolutely most important for your child’s growth and development. That means deciding for yourself (and your child) what’s most important—next.

Write yourself a simple question on a sticky note to help you clarify your priorities; for example, “What’s most important here?” or “What’s my priority in this moment?” Keep it where you can see it—on the refrigerator, over the kitchen desk, or in your underwear drawer. When you find yourself getting aggravated at one more incomplete task, take a breath and ask yourself the question.

Is your priority to get kids through high school to college? Is it to prepare them for whatever direction their life takes? Is it about individual achievements or relationships? Sometimes you may discover that it’s important that the trash goes out immediately—and there’s your answer. Or you may discover that, after a rough day, your child is finally getting something done on their homework and you don’t want to interrupt.

For your child’s long-term health and happiness, start small. Focus on the next hurdle instead of the long race.

In any given moment, there are dozens of expectations that you have for your child, all important in the long run. But in the short term, it helps immensely to prioritize, weaving a fabric of successes over the long term. Remember that all things can be accomplished over time. Prioritizing, based on what’s most important to you, prevents the “stuff” of life from becoming a higher priority than the people in it.

Self-Talk: Really, Put on Your Oxygen Mask First

Years ago, child and family therapist David Alexander brought a large, broken rubber band to a presentation for parents. It had been circling large files in an attic somewhere, dry and brittle after being stretched out for too long. Eventually even the most pliable rubber band will lose its elasticity if it’s kept stretched thin. He explained the metaphor: Parents need to release the tension once in a while so that we don’t snap.

In theory, you know you have to take care of yourself to meet the needs of your children. But believing that is difficult for many of us. However, self-care is not just some luxury afforded other parents. Success starts with how you talk to yourself and think about it.

This is going to sound impossible to some of you. To be completely honest, I still struggle with this every day. I’m much more focused on the needs of my family or my work than my own needs. But when I allow myself to get burnt out, everyone suffers.

Kids with chronic issues need to learn to consciously take care of themselves, and your self-care models positive self-management.

The Impact Model is circled in self-care because it’s essential to everything in this book. Like putting on your oxygen mask first on an airplane, so that you can assist others in need, you must put yourself on your priority list, not just in theory but in practice. This approach works better when you’re a healthy part of the equation. Pacing yourself for the long haul is hard to do if you’re passed out on the floor from lack of oxygen.

Not convinced? Imagine if it was important to get (at least some of) your needs met. Getting enough sleep (no, I’m not joking), learning to set limits for yourself, or date nights with partners or friends.

If you actually turn some attention to keeping yourself nourished, how will that impact your family? Could you be replenished enough to handle the meltdown when your child is worried that they can’t do a math assignment? Could you be calm enough to not take the bait when your teen starts pushing your buttons?

And what about the indirect impact on them? Kids with chronic issues need to learn to consciously take care of themselves, and your self-care models positive self-management. As experiential learners, when they see you take care of yourself, they’re more likely to follow suit eventually. “Do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t work with these kids. They’ll learn by seeing it in action.

One mom in our community stopped exercising when she took a full-time job because she felt guilty for spending less time at home. As her irritability grew, she thought the job was the problem. Then her kids asked her to start working out again, nearly begging her to return to her self-care routine.

Similarly, when my husband started to exercise more regularly, the kids saw him enjoy it and challenge himself—and they got the message. They started to do the same on their own, and at least two of them became engaged athletes. They may wax and wane in how they exercise in their lives, but its importance to them is clear. I think it’s directly related to my husband’s modeling something he was doing for himself.

Taking better care of yourself will help you better focus on the needs of your family. If you want to be able to assist others in need, you have to keep yourself fueled.

Questions for Self-Discovery

• Grab your journal or notebook and list everything that’s adding to your load. Keep going. Get it out!

• How can a Marathon View help you?

• What’s one macro area, and three micro areas inside it, where you might want to Take Aim? Choose one to start.

• What do your gremlin voices say to you?

• What’s most important to you as a parent?

• List the ways you tell yourself that self-care is not important. (Go back to your journal or notebook if you need to.) Now, next to each of them, reframe those messages in a way that’s more helpful.

LINDA’S STORY

The first time I spoke with Linda, she called from her closet. Because she was constantly in a state of fight or flight, she stayed late at the office most days, and then she retreated to her closet when she got home, figuring it was better than buying a one-way ticket out of town (which she secretly wanted). She told me about a huge blow-up from a few nights before, an event that finally led her to schedule a Sanity Session. The sheetrock could be repaired, she said, but the damage from the things she’d said—words she could never take back—would last forever. She was clear, maybe for the first time, that although her son was not blameless, her inability to control herself was exacerbating things. She wanted to stop the chaos that was swirling around her constantly and learn to manage things better. I assured her that although we can’t always control what happens, I could help her learn to respond to what happens with more grace and respect.

Bottom Line: Linda was seriously concerned about the damage caused by words she could never take back. Her inability to control herself wasn’t helping. In fact, it was making things worse.