CHAPTER 10
“I Need a Strategy for … ”
Creating Effective Systems and Structures That Actually Work
“We ourselves need help. The other person also needs help. Nobody needs punishment.” —THICH NHAT HANH
Missing the Forest for the Trees: Starting with Solutions
“I want strategies.”
“How do I get my child to do his homework?”
“I just want some peace.”
“I’m yelling more than I’d like.”
“My kid won’t turn in her homework.”
“The alarm clock doesn’t help.”
“They ignore me.”
“They’re so rude.”
“She’s freaking out all the time.”
“I’m walking on eggshells.”
“It’s like he’s hijacked the whole house.”
“I don’t want to go home.”
It’s hard to keep ourselves calm and our head (relatively) clear when deep inside we want to scream, “Stop, let me off!” After thousands of conversations, I’ve learned that all parents of complex kids, whether newbies or veterans, want the same two things: solutions and peace. They generally assume that the former will lead to the latter; actually, it’s the other way around.
We humans love answers. We love systems, processes, and solutions. We love a good fix for an aggravating problem. But we’re impatient and we don’t always want to spend the time or effort needed to solve a problem thoughtfully. Instead we apply solutions without clarifying the problem in the first place. We throw spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks.
Unfortunately starting with solutions (strategies, systems, and structures) comes at a cost: kids don’t learn to solve problems for themselves. When we give kids solutions that we think they should try or that others have used, they miss the chance to figure out what works for them. We might be giving them a nice fish dinner, but we’re not teaching them to fish, much less how to plan a fishing trip.
When we give kids planners to use in school, buy unusual alarm clocks for home, or use graphic organizers to manage time, we often fail to achieve the desired results. It’s not because systems and structures are not essential—they are. I’d have had a difficult time writing this book without calendars, computers, and sticky notes. But the goal of any solution is not to use the system or structure; it’s to achieve a desired outcome.
STRATEGIES, SYSTEMS, AND STRUCTURES (OH MY!)
Although most people use the terms strategies, systems, and structures interchangeably, I think it’s helpful to clarify them.
Strategies: Ways to approach making improvements. A strategy to help a child get started on homework after school might be to activate the brain.
Systems: The processes or routines we put into place to help us get things done. High-protein snacks or physical activity are systems for the strategy of activating the brain.
Structures: The components of systems and routines. Bringing a protein snack in carpool or going straight to the playground from the bus are different structures a parent might use to implement a system for the strategy of activating the brain.
For example, to help a child perform better in the classroom, the team might choose a strategy of helping them stop interrupting during class. To provide incentives for the child to change their behavior, a reward system is chosen. Stars or points are structures used by the teacher to reinforce the child’s positive behavior.
Chronic conditions actually require behavioral change, which is all about process. Strategies, systems, and structures are valuable tools for helping the brain compensate for challenges with executive function; but we must always remember that they are not the goal. They are tools to aid us in reaching a much broader and more important goal: helping kids learn self-management and self-regulation. You cannot accomplish long-term personal success with a system; instead, it requires a process of problem solving.
Coach’s Reframe: Think Problem Solving, Not Fixing
For many years I was just trying to get through each day. I bounced pinball-style from solution to solution, looking for answers. We tried every traditional therapy known to medicine and a bunch of alternative approaches as well. Some helped, others didn’t.
I was attracted to every shiny promise that “this” would fix everything, looking for a single solution that would make all our problems go away. With each new therapy or program, I (secretly) hoped I’d found a magic bullet. It makes me a little queasy to reflect on the thousands of dollars we spent.
I wasn’t approaching things systematically as part of a bigger plan; and frankly, I wasn’t looking for incremental improvement. I didn’t understand that my kids’ challenges fundamentally called for long-term behavior management. I just wanted a quick fix.
We want our kids to be able to grow into capable, independent adults. To be able to set goals and work hard to achieve them, navigating life’s challenges and overcoming obstacles. We want them to engage in their lives, build healthy relationships, embark on fulfilling careers, and ultimately, support themselves as adults, so they don’t end up living in our basements in twenty years or worse!
To achieve this long-term goal, we must avoid the temptation of magical thinking that happens when we go for a quick fix. Instead, we must do for ourselves what our kids need to learn: embrace the complicated, slow process of problem solving.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try new things or put new systems into place. But do it thoughtfully. Become mindful of the process you use to introduce new “solutions.” Let the Impact Model guide you to understand what you’re trying to change and what’s contributing to those behaviors. Then plan strategically: activate the brain (see Chapter 7), be positive (see Chapter 8), shift expectations (see Chapter 9), and make systems and structures work.
Embrace the complicated, slow process of problem solving.
Before I discovered the coach approach, I believed I could “fix” my kids’ problems. I thought we could eliminate them with a medicine, therapy, special school program, or social skills class. It wasn’t until I learned the value of focusing on the process of problem solving that I stopped trying to rescue them from their challenges. Taking on a growth mindset was the path to lasting change.
Stephen Covey says to start with the end in mind, but that does not mean he’s an advocate of quick fixes. He is talking about setting a vision of what you want to achieve, identifying the change you want to see, so that you can discover an effective process that leads to change.
Our kids need to learn constructive problem-solving skills, appropriate to where they are developmentally. And so do we. Instead of telling them “you’ve got to pass your classes to avoid summer school” or “you’ve got to get straight As to use the car,” we must guide them through figuring out how to pass or do well in their classes. And that includes helping them find their motivation—getting clear on what’s in it for them.
In the rest of this chapter, I’ll focus on some key components to make systems and structures work effectively, holding the mindset that we are not trying to fix anything; rather, our goal is to improve one challenge at a time, one process at a time.
Strategy: Failing Forward (with Three Magic Questions)
“If you want to get better at anything, you need to experiment with an open mind, to try and fail, to willingly accept and learn from any outcome.” —Peter Bregman, “Stop Focusing on Your Performance,” Harvard Business Review
Here’s something most of us hate: failure is a fundamental part of learning. We don’t learn to talk without babbling or walk without stumbling. Scientific discovery relies on learning from failures, identifying what doesn’t work without judgment so we can discover what does work. Failure is responsible for chocolate chip cookies, so it can’t be all bad! (See Chapter 9) But still, most of us resist it with every fiber of our being.
It’s reasonable to expect our kids to fail, falter, and make mistakes while learning to succeed, but they don’t see it that way. They’ve been conditioned to want simple fixes, as you have; and they’re often not exactly the most patient people. They’re easily embarrassed and want to be seen as capable, by you and by themselves. Failure is the last thing they want to experience. They want to avoid mistakes at all costs.
Thus, teaching them to handle failure is an essential component of raising complex kids. It’s difficult both because they tend to hate failure and because they don’t learn from mistakes very efficiently. Because kids don’t process mistakes while they’re happening or they resist redirection out of shame, they often don’t learn to avoid making the same mistakes again.
Patience with the process of problem solving and learning from mistakes can be overwhelming, frustrating, or scary for kids, and for us. As parents, we want to rescue them, limiting their frustration and disappointment in themselves.
But preventing them from experiencing failure reinforces their tendency to see themselves as stupid or flawed when they do make mistakes. Instead, we want to be on their team when they falter, brushing off the dust without judgment, so they can learn from the experience and discover how resilient they are.
Mistakes are human. It’s up to us to give kids permission to be human with grace, and teach them to fail forward.
The strategy of failing forward is a magic process for learning from mistakes without shame or embarrassment. From the sublime to the ridiculous, in professional and personal settings, it works wonders. When a test score isn’t great or a recipe kinda flops, try asking the three questions shown here.
We want to set kids up for success whenever possible, collaborating with them as they learn to navigate life. Embrace a “practice makes perfect” mindset, paying attention to circumstances around mistakes only to learn from them. Avoid feeding feelings of inadequacy that lead kids to shut down. Help them learn from mistakes and establish new behaviors by failing forward, activating their brains to become more alert and aware in subsequent situations.
The bottom line here is to teach your kids, “Let every mistake be a new one.” That will help them become less likely to repeat the same types of mistake and less likely to beat themselves up for making the first one. It’s a great message for kids to hear—and not a bad one for us either.
Say No to Results
At an Atlanta Women’s Foundation annual luncheon, I heard Jane Pauley speak about her life with bipolar disorder. Her presentation was quietly intense, at times raw and poignant, and ultimately uplifting. She explained, “nobody gets through life without something.” We all have our challenges.
With episodic diseases, things get better for a time, and then they rear their ugly head again. The key to any chronic condition, she explained, is management. Conscious, vigilant, lifelong management. And so it is for complex kids.
The ends justify the means. Outcomes measurement. Getting to the finish line. Many of us live in an end-goal kind of a culture. We want our kids to be successful, which we evaluate in terms of results. Our “solution-oriented” mindset focuses on where they’re going, not how they get there.
We ask: did they get an A on a test? Did they score a goal in the game? Did they get an internship, or a job, or a license, or into a school? The measurement is the indicator of success: the prize, the pot of gold.
But reaching the goal doesn’t always help kids learn to be successful in life. We can enable them to get an A or manage logistics so they get their license; but if they don’t understand or can’t replicate what it takes to achieve the result, are they actually learning from the experience?
PROCESS OVER OUTCOME
Have you heard about the snow-plow parent? That’s the parent who removes all the obstacles in front of a child so they can move forward unobstructed. But what happens when we clear the path for our kids without helping them see the obstacles and learn to move around them? Is that really success?
For our kids to learn to manage the details of their lives and work, the processes of life really matter. It’s like getting partial credit on a complicated math problem. How you solve the problem is as important as getting the right answer. Instead of holding your kids accountable to an outcome, help them see the process it takes to get there. Reward incremental steps, depending on age and ability.
• Instead of focusing on completing homework, reward them for staying on task for 10 to 20 minutes.
• Instead of punishing outbursts, reward their progress in managing emotions using self-calming strategies.
• Instead of telling them to take a time-out, reward them for choosing a technique to calm down when they’re upset.
• Instead of criticizing a paper written at the last minute, acknowledge them for doing an outline in advance.
• Instead of bringing home a job application for them, give them kudos for talking to a manager and asking for one.
• Instead of emailing your child’s teacher without including them in the conversation, celebrate them for talking to the teacher after school.
Help schools see the importance of this, too:
• Make sure reward systems in the classroom are focused on process, not just results.
• Help teachers understand that learning how may be more important than whether the child masters this week’s spelling words or completes a five-page report.
• Focus on individual steps (one paragraph, instead of one page), allowing the child to experience incremental successes.
When we evaluate success only in terms of end results, we neglect the important role that conscious management plays in creating a sustainable life. We want our kids to learn how to get the results they want in life. Whenever you start using a new system, focus your accountability on using the system rather than on the end result. Routines takes time, so reward the incremental steps along the way.
Say Yes to Keeping It Simple and Flexible
Try your best to be honest here. Do you …
• give long lectures … but your kids rarely process a word?
• put detailed systems into place … and then get aggravated when they don’t work?
• try to tackle too many things at once … until everyone feels overwhelmed?
• demand consistency … and miss opportunities for compassionate learning?
My friend, you’re not alone. On tough days, we nag, cajole, and bargain. We do anything to feel like we’re making progress. But sometimes, we make things more complicated than necessary, for ourselves and for them.
Two of my failed attempts at using behavior charts in my kids’ early years were outrageously off the mark:
• One listed every task my kids needed to do from morning to night (see Chapter 5). Capturing the detail was helpful for me. My mistake was showing it to my kids, much less expecting them to do it all independently.
• Another was a set of unbelievably unrealistic expectations—enormous goals, such as “make mornings better” and “be respectful.” (see Good Behavior Chart shown here) I thought it was simpler, but it wasn’t. Some days it was hard enough to find my keys. How was I going to remember to check off a dozen daily items on a list? And how were my kids supposed to know if they made mornings better?
To be implemented easily, effective solutions are a lot like a bridge. They’ve got a clear job to do, and you want to keep them simple and flexible so that using them doesn’t become one more thing we fail at each day.
The experts tell us that consistency is king, and we adhere to that with a religious fervor. We set routines in stone. We berate ourselves for inconsistencies and judge ourselves when our kids deviate from the plan. I hear from parents, “I know I need to be more consistent, but …”
But sometimes consistency isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. When we rigidly hold fast to routines and processes, we may miss when kids need:
• time to manage big emotions, even if it means being late.
• help to prioritize what’s most important, especially after a long day at school.
• to stand next to their chair when they’re feeling particularly hyperactive at dinner.
To effectively meet our kids where they are, they need us to recognize when we’ve asked enough for that day and relax on a system. To give them permission to start again fresh the next day.
The chart that worked best for my family was beyond simple: a blank points column for each child. When I caught them being good, I told them to give themselves points, which they could use to buy things. Bonus: they learned how to count to five using tally marks.
One of my favorite simple, flexible structures was allowing kids to choose homework locations. I was taught that kids should do homework at a desk, sitting up, head straight. I even had a tutor tilt my child’s head back into place. It was ridiculously rigid. I bought into it because I didn’t know any better.
Then I allowed my kids to decide on homework locations, with some negotiation. They did homework in forts and trees (always with one hand holding on), on porches and beds (horrors!). One kid’s favorite spot was lying on the dining room table so she could bounce her foot off the side as a fidget. And you know what? They did their homework. That was the goal, right?
It’s an art to motivate kids to use systems without overwhelm or pushback. So why make it too complicated? Embrace simplicity and flexibility. Stop allowing someone else’s rigid structure to prevent your kids from achieving their goals.
Self-Talk: Solutions Are in the Successes
Before I started working only with adults and parents, I once coached a 14-year-old girl who wanted to do well in school but was struggling with homework. She was highly motivated by her social life, and I got curious when she told me she’d planned a sleepover. She explained every step of the process, including how she and her friends recruited parents to drive them. She proudly described a feat of executive function.
Planning a sleepover might sound frivolous, but once she understood the process she used to plan it, we were able to map her successes over to planning homework. Within minutes, she had a plan for drawing out her homework sequence on a piece of poster board to visualize the process as a reminder. Even better, it was all her idea.
Lean into what’s working. How we do anything is how we do everything, so remember, success breeds success.
When my daughter became obsessed with solitaire, I thought it was distracting her from schoolwork. But when I stopped to look for successes, I realized she was playing to soothe her nerves (junior year of high school = stress!). Upon reflection, she realized that ordering simple things logically helped to get her brain organized, so her solitaire skills could translate to schoolwork. Solitaire helped her see a new possibility and paved the way for her to visually organize her homework planning in a new way.
Lean into what’s working. How we do anything is how we do everything, so remember, success breeds success.
Sometimes we feel like we’re bouncing from one catastrophe to another without a moment to catch our breath. We gravitate to anything that reduces the chaos and helps us feel more on top of things. When the world offers dozens of opportunities to marinate in mistakes, it’s tempting to learn only from what doesn’t work. But that gets demoralizing, especially when kids take things personally and get defensive.
Instead it’s liberating to focus on what they’re doing well, no matter how small. Gems happen when we look for patterns, like a treasure map to find solutions for other challenges we might be facing. And it feels uplifting in the process.
Focusing on their successes is another way to play to kids’ strengths, making them feel proud and good about themselves. They’re much more likely to want more of that feeling than everything that makes them feel terrible. When kids feel success, it invites them to want more.
Kids may not be able to get their stuff together for school, for example, but if they can get it together for ultimate Frisbee practice (something they’re motivated to do), then that can be a starting point.
Ask yourself, “What worked before?” Then apply those successes to a new scenario and repeat. This is another reason to keep things simple. We want kids to see clearly when they achieve success and identify what helps them achieve it.
Bottom line: Encourage your kid to focus on one thing at a time, feel really good about it, learn from it, and apply it to something new. And remember, your solutions are in your successes too. You just finished part 2 of this book! What worked that you can keep using in another arena?
Questions for Self-Discovery
• When have you focused on a solution as your goal? How did that work out?
• When have you focused on the process? What was different?
• What needs problem solving instead of fixing?
• Practice failing forward with the three magic questions to address a simple mistake. How does it help with your acceptance of the mistake?
• What processes do you want to focus on over outcomes?
• When do you make things complicated instead of simple?
• What successes could your child build on?