What to Say to Siri

Siri comes with a cheat sheet to help you learn her capabilities. To see it, open Siri but don’t say anything. After 5 seconds of silence, Siri begins displaying screen after screen of example commands, under the heading “Some things you can ask me.”

Or just open Siri and then say, “What can I say?” or “What can you do?” or “Help me!” The same cheat sheet appears.

Here are the general categories of things you can say to Siri:

You may never find the end of the things Siri understands, or the ways that she can help you. If her repertoire seems intimidating at first, start simple—use her to open apps, find files, send text messages, and take notes. You can build up your bag of tricks as your confidence builds.

If Siri doesn’t have a good enough Internet connection to do her thing, she’ll tell you so.

If she’s working properly but misrecognizes your instructions, you’ll know it, because you can see her interpretation of what you said. You can click Siri’s interpretation to make corrections by typing.

If Siri recognizes what you said but it isn’t within her world of comprehension, she offers you a “Search the web” button as a last resort.

Siri’s understanding of casual spoken commands is so impressive that you might sometimes think she’s almost human. And that, of course, is exactly what Apple wants you to think.

You can say all kinds of off-kilter things to Siri. Whoever programmed her had a sassy sense of humor.

For example, if you ask her, “What is the meaning of life?” she responds with one of more than a dozen different answers. She might say, “I can’t answer that now, but give me some time to write a very long play in which nothing happens.” Or: “It’s nothing Nietzsche couldn’t teach ya.” Or: “All evidence to date suggests it’s chocolate.”

Siri is full of such comebacks, and there are whole websites dedicated to her snark. Here are a few examples. (This list won’t ruin the fun, because Siri actually has several different comebacks to most of these questions.)

You: “Who’s your daddy?” Siri: “You are. Can we get back to work now?”

You: “Open the pod bay doors, Hal.” Siri: “I’m sorry, I’m afraid I can’t do that.” (Then: “Are you happy now?”)

You: “Knock knock.” Siri: “Knock knock. Who’s there? Joshua. Joshua who? Joshua, I don’t do knock-knock jokes.”

You: “What are you wearing?” Siri: “You have the wrong personal assistant, David.”

You: “Who’s the boss?” (Siri presents the vital statistics of Bruce Springsteen.)

You: “Beam me up, Siri!” Siri: “Please remove your belt, shoes, and jacket, and empty your pockets.”

You: “Show me the money.” Siri: “I’ve found 23 ATMs that are fairly close to you…”

You, in the evening: “Good morning, Siri.” Siri: “Good morning? It’s 9:24 p.m.!”

You: “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” Siri: “42 cords of wood, to be exact. Everyone knows that.”

You: “Guess what.” Siri: “You won the lottery?”

You: “Talk dirty to me.” Siri: “Humus. Compost. Pumice. Silt. Gravel.”

You: “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Siri: “I am not perspicacious about the peregrinations of poultry.”

You: “Do you have a religion?” Siri: “My policy is the separation of spirit and silicon.”

You: “Klaatu barada nikto.” Siri: “OK, I’ll pass the message on to Gort.” (You kind of have to know The Day the Earth Stood Still to get it.)

Here are a few other things to say to Siri when you get bored:

What does “Siri” mean?

LOL.

Am I your best friend?

You are good to me.

Do you believe in love?

Give me a kiss.

What should I wear for Halloween?

What are the three laws of robotics?

Testing 1, 2, 3.

Let’s play a game.

I’m tired.

Read me a haiku.

What’s your secret?

Take me to your leader.

Who let the dogs out?

Can I borrow some money?

What do you think of Android?

I love you, Siri.

What do you think of Windows?

Will you marry me?

You don’t understand love.

You’re so sexy.

You don’t understand me.

When is your birthday?

I’m sorry.

What’s the best phone?

Am I fat?

You’re boring.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Can you sing?

Siri?

Why are we here?

Who’s on first?

You’re cute.

Why are you so awesome?

You make me so mad!

What’s your favorite color?

What do you want?

Where are you?

Tell me a joke.

What do you think of Google Now?

Tell me a story.

Okay, Glass.

Sing for me.

When is the world going to end?

I’m cold.

What’s the best smartphone?

Do you love me?

What’s the best computer?

Why are we here?

How much do you cost?

I need a bathroom.

What are you doing later?

What are you doing?

Make me a sandwich.

Do you like Pokémon Go?

Does Santa Claus exist?

Beatbox.

Do you believe in Santa Claus?

Guess what?

Should I give you a female or male voice?

You’re an idiot.

I don’t like your voice.

Have a nice day.

Are you serious?

How are you today?

Are you kidding me?

What do you think is the best tablet?

Blah blah blah.

How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?

On the phone, your interaction with Siri is over once she produces her response. On the Mac, though, you can interact with the results.

When you’ve asked a question that produces an answer from the web, for example, a button appears at the top right of the Siri results panel. If you click it, then the Siri result gets pinned to the top of your Notifications pane (The Notification Center), so that you can look at it again later without having to repeat the whole Siri query. Figure 8-9 shows the idea.