RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

Starting Off on the Right Foot

Chances are, the instant you decided you’d be together forever was a private one. Even if there was a classic down-on-one-knee proposal in public, it’s likely to have come after the bolts of lightning and quiet moments when you realized you’d found someone who supports you and delights you and will do so for as long as you both shall live. But once your engagement becomes official and you choose to kick off your future with a wedding, your private promise becomes a public cause for celebration—one with several visible symbols.

ROMANCING THE STONE

A ring has represented the promise of a marriage since ancient times. Roman suitors were the first on record to give their intended brides annuli pronubi, betrothal rings, as a tangible marker that the woman now belonged to her fiancé. If you don’t like the one-way indication of a woman belonging to a man, consider a ring for the groom as well. South Asian Muslims often exchange betrothal rings, which are worn on the right hand by the man and the left by the woman. In Argentina, couples who are on their way to being engaged exchange silver rings called alianzas de plata, then up the ante with alianzas de oro, gold rings, when they make the engagement official—a custom that works well with same-sex couples, too. It’s only during the wedding ceremony that an Argentinian groom gives the bride a diamond ring called a cintillo; he continues to wear his gold band. And in Orthodox Christian countries, such as Greece and Russia, where the wedding ring is traditionally worn on the right hand, some couples place their bands on their left hands when they get engaged, then move them to the right during the wedding. You could reverse the order if you plan on wearing your band on your left hand, or use this custom as precedent for the groom-to-be to start wearing his band when the bride-to-be puts on her engagement ring. And if one or both of you aren’t jewelry-wearers, you might adopt the Polynesian tradition of getting a tattoo to symbolize a significant event, or combine the custom of a significant tattoo with the idea of a ring by having a design inked on your fourth finger.

Just as important as who wears engagement rings and when and how they choose to do so is what materials make up the piece of jewelry. Some Indian couples consult an astrologer who will identify a person’s lucky gem based on his or her astrological chart and the qualities he or she wants to enhance (creativity, strength, intuition). The same stone can have a different effect on each person, so it has to be a personalized prescription. Astrology aside, in the end, the luckiest stone is the one that makes you happy every time you look at it.

DIAMONDS Now the most common choice of gem for engagement rings, these clear stones have been popular ever since Archduke Maximilian of Austria gave Mary of Burgundy a diamond M to mark their betrothal in 1477, but they really took off after a 1947 De Beers ad campaign convinced couples that “a diamond is forever.” That tagline is good copywriting, but it’s also true. As the most durable natural substance on earth, a diamond is unbreakable, like the bond between the engaged couple.

EMERALDS Green gems, which were sacred to Venus, the goddess of love in ancient Rome, are said to be aphrodisiacs and, not coincidentally, to promote blissful marriages.

NAVARATNA In Thailand and India, jewelry bearing nine gems, known together as navaratna, is considered lucky because of the combination of attributes each stone attracts: the diamond brings power, the ruby longevity, the emerald strength, the yellow sapphire love, the blue sapphire wealth, the pearl happiness, the topaz success, the coral good health, and the cat’s-eye protection. Each of the stones represents one of the nine major planets in Vedic astrology. In rings, the stones are often set in a circle, or in three rows, with the ruby, which equals the sun, in the center.

RUBIES In Chinese astrology, rubies are linked to luck, fame, and royalty. Plus, they are an indicator of value in the Bible, where wisdom is described as being more precious than the gemstone, and a virtuous woman is said to have “a price far above rubies.”

PEARLS Lustrous, cream-colored stones seem like a no-brainer for someone who has a wedding dress in her near future, but the semiprecious beauties aren’t often favored for engagements, as they are thought to represent tears, bringing sorrow to the marriage (see this page). That said, pearls are also believed to cure depression and promote fertility.

SAPPHIRES A sought-after engagement ring stone, these jewels are thought to bring love and happiness to the wearer. Along with diamonds and rubies, they’re the most durable gems, which makes them lucky choices for a couple whose love will last a lifetime—and whose jewelry will, too, even if worn daily. If you like colored stones, but blue’s not your favorite, remember that sapphires come in other hues, including pink, orange, purple, yellow, green, and black.

OPALS This milky white gem contains colored luster that seems to flash and move, which made it appear magical to ancient cultures. The Greeks thought opals were Zeus’s tears (which led to the nickname “the stone of tears”); in ancient India, opals were said to be pieces of a rainbow goddess who turned herself into stone to avoid all the male gods entranced by her beauty; and Arabs believed the gem held trapped lightning. As time went on, the mysterious opal became associated with witches, black magic, and bad luck in Western culture, especially after an 1829 story by Sir Walter Scott about a cursed stone. But opals are considered auspicious in Asia and, in Western countries, for people born in October, who have it as their birthstone. Those who believe in the power of gems also say you can negate the unlucky properties of any stone by pairing it with diamonds.

(SPIRITUALLY) HEAVY METALS

Rings don’t need to contain gemstones to announce an engagement. A number of cultures imbue all-metal rings with romantic significance that comes from their design. The Irish claddagh ring, which shows two hands holding a crowned heart, can be used as an engagement ring if the crown is facing the wearer’s wrist, but should be turned the other way after the wedding. What’s lucky about claddagh rings? The design’s motto, “May love and friendship reign,” and its origin legend: an Irishman was captured by pirates; when he returned home after many years and found that his true love had remained single, waiting for him, he designed the ring as a symbol of his joy. Another lucky option that works as both an engagement and a wedding band is the gimmel, which comes from gemellus, the Latin word for twin, and became popular during the 1600s. The gimmel has two or three interlocking bands, which can be split and worn by each half of the couple (with the third held by a witness) during the engagement, then joined on the bride’s hand as a wedding ring. Speaking of intertwined bands that symbolize long-lasting relationships, Cartier introduced their Trinity Ring, with yellow gold representing fidelity, rose gold love, and white gold friendship, in 1924 in Paris; its popularity has since traveled all over the world.

IT’S OFFICIAL

Once you're engaged, it’s time to let people know. Splashing pictures of your ring all over social media is one option. But there are more meaningful, and auspicious, means of getting the news out.

SPREAD THE WORD You may decide to appoint someone to do the announcing on your behalf. In Bavaria, Germany, invites are hand-delivered by the hochzeitslader, an official invitation-bearer wearing a top hat who recites a rhyme asking guests to the wedding. If they accept, they take a ribbon from his jacket and pin it to his hat, and ask him to come in for two glasses of schnapps—one for the bride and one for the groom. This way, every invitee gets to have a little pre-party before the wedding.

STAND ON CEREMONY Many religions, including Judaism and Orthodox Christianity, once observed two separate ceremonies for engagement and marriage. If you’re having a religious wedding, you may choose to have a rabbi or priest oversee a blessing of the rings at your engagement. For a not-religious-but-spiritual option, consider a Celtic handfasting ceremony, in which an officiant wraps a cord around the couple’s clasped hands in an infinity symbol, literally tying the knot as an expression of their desire to come together as one. This practice is common among neo-pagans and Wiccans, who often hold their wedding a year and a day after the handfasting, and choose cords with lucky colors, usually white for purity, blue for loyalty, and red for love (for more on handfasting, see this page).

THROW A PARTY Today anyone can host an engagement party, even the couple, as a way of sharing their joy. But traditionally, it was the job of the bride’s parents. Whoever hosts, there are plenty of ways to weave in good fortune. In Taiwan, brides wear red dresses for their lavish engagement fêtes, as the color is believed to invite wealth and repel bad luck (see this page). In Rwanda, an engagement party is called a gusaba, which means “to ask” in Kinyarwanda. It’s sort of a roast in which the bride’s relatives make the groom recite tongue twisters, answer questions, and prove his intelligence as hilarity ensues. You could take it as inspiration to have a game night—bride’s squad against groom’s side—in the lead-up to your wedding.

PAY A VISIT In Ghana, a couple’s engagement begins when the groom comes to ask the bride-to-be’s family for her hand in marriage by knocking on the door of his future in-laws. If they open it, the wedding’s on! What follows includes drumming, gifts, eating, and a general good time. You don’t just marry a person, you marry his or her whole family, right?

In Taiwan, the groom’s kin come to the bride’s family’s home, lighting a firecracker when they’re nearby to announce their impending arrival. The bride serves sweet tea with the assistance of a woman who has a good husband and healthy children so that her luck will rub off on the bride. After the groom’s relatives drink it, they put a red envelope with money in one of the empty cups. The couple exchange rings (each person taking care not to push the ring to the bottom of the other’s finger, as that would be a sign that the pusher will be the controlling one in the marriage), then gifts are exchanged, and a feast is enjoyed.

In Greek families, when friends or relatives stop by to wish you well and check out your ring, it’s customary to serve them desserts such as loukoumades, honey-dipped balls of dough, signifying a sweet life for the engaged couple. (For this same reason, people of many cultures like to give newlyweds presents that invite sweetness into their marriage—think sugar bowls or honey dishes.)

GIVE GIFTS Aside from rings, certain traditional engagement presents invite good fortune. Prospective grooms on Fiji give the bride or her family tabua, sacred sperm whale’s teeth, which are rare, very valuable, and thought to have supernatural powers. Welsh grooms-to-be once carved wooden spoons with intricate symbols of love and luck, such as Celtic hearts, horseshoes, and lovebirds, and gave them to their fiancées—a custom that is said to be the origin of the word spooning. Today in Wales grooms tend to buy handcrafted “love spoons” for their brides. They may also be given to a couple as a wedding present or anniversary gift, or by them as a favor. Scottish couples traditionally exchange luckenbooth, silver brooches with a heart or two entwined hearts wearing a crown. Later, the pair might pin one of their brooches to their baby’s blanket to protect the child from the evil eye (see this page). In the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, Scottish traders swapped silver for goods with the Iroquois, so luckenbooth became a common Native American accessory, giving the symbol meaning for those cultures as well.

It’s not just the couple who exchange gifts. In Holland, the father of the groom will give the bride-to-be a chatelaine, a silver chain with useful household items on it, such as scissors, a mirror, a knife, and a pincushion. For many communities, a ritual gift exchange between the two families is the official kickoff of the engagement. In Nigerian Yoruban tradition, the groom’s relatives visit the bride’s family home to swap money and gifts with her relatives. The groom asks for the elders’ blessings, then the veiled bride enters, looks over her dowry, and chooses a package; she is meant to pick a Bible to show her faith. When she opens it, she finds a ring that the groom places on her finger. In Hong Kong, the bride’s and groom’s kin trade hui li, or “return gifts,” without the couple there. These presents include tea, lucky plants (such as lotus root, pomegranate, and hibiscus), clothing, and money in amounts that feature the number 8 (see this page). The spouses-to-be are always present for the Japanese yuino ceremony, which can be anything from a casual hang to a formal party, as long as traditional gifts, wrapped in rice paper, are exchanged. These include money; dried foods, such as kelp (konbu) to symbolize children, cuttlefish (surume) to ensure a long marriage, and bonito (katsuobushi) for fertility; a clam shell (naganoshi) to signal longevity; a piece of white hemp (shiraga) to represent the couple growing old and white-haired together; a fan (suehiro) for happiness; and a ritual outfit for the groom (hakama). If you’re not up to the whole ceremony, consider choosing one of the elements, such as a clamshell or fan, as a décor element to bring in blessings.