MASTERING YOUR CEREMONY

Layer Luck into Your Wedding

Your ceremony is the moment all the other hoopla is celebrating, the instant you change your lives, pledging to live them together, forever. It’s what everyone came to see. Wedding ceremonies vary among cultures, but all address a central theme: the joining together of two people. And most follow a certain order, incorporating some or all of the following: a processional to herald the arrival of the couple; a unity ritual to join two into one; a transition ritual to symbolize their embarking on a new journey together; a promise ritual that may include vows or a ring exchange; a legally binding contract; and a recessional, in which everybody leaves feeling a little more joyous. If you’re marrying within an established religion or a cultural tradition you know well, the outline of your ceremony, and many of the rituals in it, have been established for you already. But that doesn’t mean you can’t introduce a few new, and auspicious, customs in the same way you might add spice to a beloved family recipe.

WALK THIS WAY

The idea of a bride or groom leaving a childhood home to get married is highly emotional, and rituals have developed to express those feelings. In the Balkans, the bride’s family will dress her for the wedding, while singing ballads of loss, then switch to songs of joy, instructing the groom to treasure her, as they proceed to the ceremony. In England, Scotland, and many Slavic countries, there’s the practice of warming the threshold, or pouring boiling water on the doorstep of the bride’s house before she leaves for the wedding, to wash away her old life.

Another visible example of the bride leaving her natal family and joining her husband to create a new one is the processional inside the house of worship or ceremony space. Traditionally, in Christian faiths, she walks in with her father; in Jewish ceremonies, her parents escort her in together after the groom has walked in on the arms of his parents.

But in many cultures, the processional starts long before the ceremony as a prenuptial parade from the groom’s home to the bride's to the venue. In Bulgaria, the groom’s friends show up at his house, sprinkle him with barley for luck and fertility, and shoot guns to scare off evil spirits. The groom asks his parents for their blessing, then they all proceed to the home of the best man, who has made a wedding banner out of scarves, ribbons, and fruit impaled on a branch from a fruit tree (see this page). The best man leads everyone dancing to the bride’s house, bringing her candles for light, wine for joy, sweets for a sweet life, and her veil. The bride, hiding in a locked room, lets in only the maid of honor. As the groom and best man bang on the door, the maid of honor tries to put the veil on the bride, who nixes it twice to indicate her reluctance to leave her childhood behind, then accepts it on the third try, to show she is ready for this new stage of life. Once she emerges, the couple are led outside where the bride throws a dish filled with wheat, a raw egg, and coins (signs of fertility and prosperity) into the air. It crashes—ostensibly in as many pieces as the pair will have children—and the group dances to the church where the they enter by stepping forward with their right legs, getting the marriage off on the right foot.

In Vietnam, the mother of the groom comes to the bride’s house before the entire procession to let everyone know when the groom will arrive. She brings betel nuts to show respect for the bride’s family and pink chalk to ensure a rosy future.

In France, where a civil ceremony is required, a pair may have a town hall wedding, then a religious ritual with the couple and their families making a processional from the government building to the house of worship on foot or in a cortege of cars.

A Hindu groom takes part in a procession, known as a baraat, in which he rides on a decorated horse or elephant, stopping to dance with his family and friends to the music of the live band accompanying them, until they reach the bride’s family. There, her relatives will make him submit to a few tests of his intelligence and dexterity before exchanging floral garlands as a sign of the families’ acceptance of each other.

In several cultures, when the parade reaches the bride’s house, ritual games take place to symbolize her relatives’ reluctance to part with her. In Armenian families, for example, a child will steal one of the bride’s wedding shoes so she can’t leave, until the maid of honor pays the kid to get the shoe back, and a brother or uncle will stand at the door with a weapon until the groom and best man bribe him to step aside. In the last century, in parts of Wales, when the bride reached the church her relatives would “abduct” her, and the groom’s side would follow in hot pursuit. Whoever caught her was said to be next to marry, but the ritual, called “marriage by capture,” recalls the Middle Ages when grooms would kidnap their brides.

Historically, a woman in transition to becoming a wife was considered at risk of falling prey to bad luck en route to her wedding. A Chinese bride in days past would be carried to the ceremony in a red sedan chair, with a red veil over her face and gongs sounding or fireworks exploding to scare off evil spirits. In Britain, many superstitions arose surrounding what constituted a good or bad omen for the bride to spot on the way to the ceremony, some of which are still repeated today: doves, lambs, and—just on this occasion—black cats are auspicious. Cats are often considered magical beasts, and in medieval times, it was said to be good luck for the family cat to sneeze at the bride or groom the morning of the wedding. But the luckiest sight of all is a chimney sweep. Since they’re hard to find these days, a British bride may hire one to stop by on the morning of the wedding to give her a good-luck kiss and to shake the groom’s hand (as Prince Phillip did before marrying Queen Elizabeth in 1947).

Bridal processions from home to home were easier when everyone lived near one another in small villages. But if your future in-laws are local, or you’re having a destination wedding at a camp or resort, it might be fun to parade around, inviting good luck all along the way.

COME TOGETHER

An entire wedding could be considered a unity ritual, but some cultures and couples choose to drive the point home with a visual representation of two people linking their lives together. Unlike many customs that are gender-based or focus on fertility, these unity rituals work well for any engaged pair.

One option is the lighting of a unity candle. Each member of the couple holds a lit candle, which they bring together at the same time to light a single taper. When both flames meet, the light created is brighter than each individual candle was alone. The two original flames may be left burning, to symbolize the fact that the newlyweds’ individual souls will continue to thrive, and their parents may light candles to indicate both families are coming together. Although the unity candle is a relatively recent Christian tradition that surged in popularity in the 1980s after Luke and Laura lit one on the soap opera General Hospital, candlelight represents hope and warmth in virtually every culture, as well as the light of God in several religions, making it a highly auspicious symbol (see this page).

A less flammable unity ritual is tree planting (see this page), in which the members of the couple each take earth from different containers, perhaps brought from their home countries or childhood backyards, and use the soil to cover the roots of a sapling (usually one that has been largely planted prior to the wedding) at the site of the ceremony. This act signals the start of the family tree the couple will nurture together.

Another mixing of two elements into one is the sand ceremony, believed to have originated in Hawaii. Each member of the pair holds a clear vase, cup, or tube of sand from a beach that has significance to him or her, or in a color distinguishable from their partner’s. Taking turns, each pours the sand into a third vessel, where the grains mix together so that it’s impossible for them to ever be separated.

Handfasting is one unity ritual common to many cultures (see this page). The Celtic version dates back to sixteenth-century Scotland and involves the couple joining hands and the officiant tying them together with ribbon. Ukrainians cover the joined hands with a wedding rushnyk, a ceremonial cloth embroidered in red, auspicious designs, such as a duck and a drake, which symbolize the bride and groom.

A couple may also be bound together in the Hispanic lazo ritual, in which a friend or relative loops a silk ribbon, rope, or two linked five-decade rosaries around the pair in a figure-eight infinity symbol so they’ll be joined for all eternity (see this page). Chinese pairs may choose to be tied to each other with a strand of red silk, to recall the invisible cord that connected them since birth until fate brought them together.

In a custom called mala badol, South Asian Muslims drape a cloth over the couple as they feed each other ritual food and drink. Then there’s the Polynesian tradition of wrapping the pair in a tei fa fa, a special quilt sewn for the wedding that will later decorate their home. Eastern Cherokee couples were traditionally bound together by a blanket during their ceremonies. And another Ukrainian custom involves a special embroidered rug called a pidnozhnyk, or “step-on towel,” that the couple stands on at the wedding. It creates a space the pair occupies together and is meant to ensure they never stand on a bare floor, that is, know poverty.

Sometimes, a simple act of sharing represents the couple’s union. In Jewish and Orthodox Christian ceremonies, the bride and groom drink from the same glass of wine, a common “cup of experience” that represents all they will share in the future. Buddhist couples sip sake from three special sakazuki cups in a ritual known as the san-san-kudo, or “three, three, nine,” because each person drinks from each one thrice. And in France, the newlyweds sip from an elaborate coupe de marriage, which is often engraved silver. If you don’t drink alcohol, consider sharing a symbolic food (see this page); Persian couples dip a finger in honey to feed each other at the end of their ceremonies.

Some pairs involve their guests in the unity ritual, inviting their blessings. A wedding-wide show of unity can be as simple as holding your ceremony in the round, with attendees seated in a circle around you, as in a Quaker friendship circle. Or the officiant may ask the assembled group, “Who will support this couple throughout their marriage?” seeking the answer “We will.” Otherwise, the attendees can partake in an adaptation of a couple’s unity ritual. If you like the image of candlelight, consider having a display of unlit votive candles at the entrance of your ceremony space with a sign inviting guests to light one and help brighten your future. Or follow the Moravian Czech tradition of passing the unity flame lit by the bride and groom from guest to guest, with each one holding an unlit candle until the light of love reaches them. At Thai weddings, an elder ties a sai sin, a sacred thread blessed by Buddhist monks, around each of the newlyweds’ wrists, and in central Thailand, guests follow suit, also tying holy threads around the bride’s and groom’s arms.

Even the ring exchange can become a communal rite if you follow another new wedding custom that gained currency in secular American weddings: a ring-warming or blessing of the rings, in which the wedding bands (secured to an object, such as a ribbon or pillow) are passed around so that friends and family can imbue them with their wishes for the couple, whether silently, or speaking their blessings aloud.

EMBRACE CHANGE

Joining two people together is one aspect of a marriage; the couple adopting a new way of life is another, one that is often marked by a transition ritual. Many cultures, including the Roma in Europe, have some version of jumping the broom, as the cleaning tool is a strong symbol of a home, and jumping over it shows a willingness to enter into a new household. Also a custom in some West African wedding ceremonies, jumping the broom became popular in the United States before the Civil War when slaves, who were prohibited from marrying legally, would hold their own ceremonies, placing a broom on the floor, then leaping over it holding hands. In some variations, the groom sets the broom facing north before the couple jump, then the bride turns it to face the south and they hop over it again. The ritual is meant to sweep away bad luck, and to let everyone assembled know that this pair is bounding into a new life together.

Other communities have the couple take a short journey together to represent the fact that they’re setting off on a new, joint venture. In the Dance of Isaiah, Orthodox Christian couples walk around an altar table three times, holding hands and linked by a ribbon that ties together their stefana crowns (see this page). On the third circle, they’re officially married. In the Hindu ceremony, the couple embark on the saptapadi, seven sacred steps around a fire. Each step represents a blessing and wish for their future (see this page). In a traditional Jewish wedding, the bride circles the groom seven times, which reflects the process of God creating the world in seven days—and the new world the couple will create together.

While many of these transition rituals emphasize walking toward the future, others focus on releasing the past. This letting go can be symbolized by a water ritual, in which holy water is poured, often from a shell, over the hands of the couple to purify them of any past negativity. The bride and groom wash each other’s hands in Navajo ceremonies, while in Polynesia, the officiant pours the water over the newlyweds’ hands, and in a Thai water blessing, the couple’s parents do the honors. Many African communities use water in their ceremonies as well, but its purpose is more an offering to God and departed ancestors, asking for their blessings. This libation ritual may be performed with alcohol instead, with the officiant or a family elder pouring the spirit onto the ground in four directions and praying for love, health, and abundance.

One powerful symbolic act that marks a break with the past is the groom stomping on a glass at the end of a Jewish wedding. Theologically, it’s a reminder of the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem—that even in times of great joy, there is sorrow in the world. Folk interpretations include the idea that smashing the glass to bits means the marriage will endure until the goblet is put back together again (i.e., forever). Others say that the number of pieces it breaks into foretells the number of children the pair will have or the number of years they’ll live together. In Java, as part of the ceremony, the groom steps on a raw egg, cracking it to demonstrate his willingness to become a father before the bride washes his feet to show she will always take care of him.

TAKE A VOW

Vows may be spoken by the newlyweds-to-be, as in Western ceremonies that end with each member of the couple promising “I do,” but we’ll get to that on this page. Alternatively, they may be recited by the officiant or loved ones, as is the case with the Sheva B’rachot, the seven blessings in a Jewish wedding. These thank God for creating “the fruit of the vine” (wine), which represents joy; “all things to Your glory,” which is to say the universe; “humankind”; and “man in Your image after Your Likeness, and woman from man as his companion.” They then ask that the bride and groom have children, become loving companions, and experience everlasting joy. Traditionally, the final blessing praises God and reminds us that joy is greater when it is shared: “Blessed are You, Adonai, who rejoices with the bride and groom,” but some couples tailor the blessings to their circumstance, perhaps adding an eighth to reflect a same-sex pair’s experience (often referencing Jonathan and King David). If you don’t identify with the Jewish religion, you might still borrow the idea of having loved ones recite words of thanks and wishes for the future. Choose blessings from your culture or religion, write your own expressions of thanks and hope, or read from family documents, such as grandpa’s love letters to grandma.

Sometimes the blessings are improvisational. During a Quaker wedding, everyone sits in silence until someone feels moved to get up and relate a sentiment to, or wish for, the couple. This approach works best for a small wedding, and if you’ve included a note in your invitation giving guests a heads up.

Other vows are unspoken, but represented in movement, such as the saptapadi, or seven steps around the sacred fire, in a Hindu ceremony. Each step represents a hope or wish for the future. The first is for the couple to provide nourishment for their household; the second, that they grow stronger physically, mentally, and spiritually; and the third, that they prosper. The fourth is a petition to grow in joy, love, and trust; the fifth, that they have children; the sixth, that they enjoy a long life together; and the seventh, that they remain lifelong friends and partners. Even if you’re not taking symbolic actions you might think about what you wish for your marriage and share those aspirations in your vows.

Whatever words are (or aren’t) said, many cultures also include an exchange of rings as a physical representation of the newlyweds’ vow to love each other until death do they part (see this page). Think of the sixteenth-century vow that says, “This ring is round and hath no end / So is my love unto my friend.” The vast majority of couples exchange rings as symbols of their love, some (Catholics, Protestants, many nondenominational couples) while reciting vows, others (Orthodox Christians, Orthodox Jews) remaining silent and letting the physical exchange speak for itself. According to Jewish tradition, the rings used in the ceremony should be solid gold bands to represent the whole, unbroken promise the couple are making to each other. For this reason, many couples exchange heirloom bands, with the bride opting for great-great-grandma’s solid gold ring in the ceremony (as opposed to the gem-studded eternity band she may wear day-to-day). Partners bringing children into a marriage can follow a new tradition by exchanging meaningful jewelry with them as well, whether that’s rings for the kids or a “family medallion,” a pendant of three circles created by Roger Coleman, a minister in Kansas City in 1987, which has since become an emblem of blended marriage.

While you’re exchanging bands, think about where to place them. The third finger of the left hand is considered lucky in the United States and many other countries—some say so because it’s the only one that can’t extend itself to its full potential without another finger by its side. The same finger is also customary in Western Europe, where it was once romantically, but mistakenly, thought that a vein from there led directly to the heart. But Balkan and other cultures choose the third finger of the right hand, perhaps because of the Bible description of Jesus sitting to the right hand of the Father. (For more on ring placement, see this page.)

Rings aren’t the only precious items that represent the promises the couple are making to each other. In Hispanic weddings, after the priest blesses the thirteen coins known as the arras (see this page), the couple pass them back and forth, symbolizing a vow to love each other for richer and for poorer. The number 13 may represent Jesus and the Apostles. But in some ceremonies, each of the coins is assigned a specific marital virtue: love, trust, commitment, respect, joy, happiness, harmony, wisdom, nurturing, caring, cooperation, wholeness, and peace.

KEEP IT LEGAL

The rituals of a wedding are meaningful, but it wouldn’t be a legitimate ceremony without a legal document to make things official. At a Jewish wedding, the signing of the ketubah kicks off the festivities (see this page). While these contracts state the terms of the marriage, they are also often beautiful works of art the couple can display in their home to recall the promises they made. Muslim weddings vary between geographic and cultural groups, but wherever the ceremony is held, what actually makes the event a wedding is the signing of the nikkah, or “marriage covenant.” In the case of both the ketubah and the nikkah, the signature of witnesses is required to make the marriage official, a reminder that we’re all part of a community.

Similarly, Quaker couples have everyone present sign a certificate that states the attendees witnessed the wedding and will support the newlyweds in their life together. Because Quakers don’t have clergypeople, believing that only God can join a couple together, it’s as if the guests officiated the marriage. You might have a calligrapher draw up a document of support modeled on a Quaker wedding certificate and ask attendees to sign it instead of a guest book.

SEE YOU AT THE RECEPTION

Many ceremonies end with a moment of levity, or at least noise, to break the solemnity and tension. That might be the newlyweds kissing for the first time as a married couple and everyone cheering, the breaking of the glass (see this page), or the ringing of bells to scare off evil spirits and express joy, as in the Irish and Scottish countryside. The last steps of a Muslim ceremony may include the salaam, in which the groom blesses the guests, and the savaqu, where the attendees toss coins at the bride. Romanians also throw coins at the bride’s feet as she walks back up the aisle so that the couple may enjoy prosperity and abundance in their married life. At the end of Sikh weddings in a ritual called doli, the bride’s female relatives dress her in new clothing and jewelry and she throws rice behind herself, bidding farewell to her old life, before the couple depart.

Speaking of throwing things, the toss that happens when the pair leaves the ceremony is a chance for the guests, and the couple being showered with their well-wishes, to celebrate the fact that the pair is now officially Mr. and Mrs. (or Mr. and Mr. or Mrs. and Mrs.). It’s one of the luckiest moments at a wedding, too, as, along with the physical objects being thrown, the newlyweds are covered in blessings. You might have your attendants pass out petals of symbolic flowers or herbs for throwing. Or, if you want children, stick with the classic fertility symbols of seeds and grains, which have been a hit since the ancient Greeks and Romans lobbed them at newlyweds. Rice is most popular in the United States, where it’s said that if a bride has some stuck in her hair at the end of the night, she’ll have a child within a year, and in Finland, where the number of grains she plucks from her hair foretells how many children she’ll have. In France, wedding guests throw wheat, in Italy, it’s candy and Jordan almonds for a sweet life, and in the Czech Republic, Moravians throw peas. In Sicily, guests mix up the grains, throwing barley to call forth baby boys and wheat for little girls. In Morocco, the toss takes place as the newlyweds leave the reception, not the ceremony, and guests shower the couple with figs and raisins instead of rice.

Whether loved ones offer their well-wishes at the end of the ceremony or the start of a reception, in Western cultures it’s considered good luck to kiss the bride before the groom, so she stands first in the receiving line. And in New Orleans, the newlyweds may lead guests from the ceremony to the reception (or the party to their next stop) in a parade called a second line, carrying parasols while the guests wave handkerchiefs at them as a band plays. The name comes from the “second line” of revelers following the band in a parade. Other traditional processions couples adopt as their walk from ceremony to reception include the Bahamian junkanoo, with dressed-up musicians and dancers leading the march, and the callejoneada, from Guanajuato, Mexico, a walking serenade led by a band and costumed revelers.