YOUR ENTOURAGE
Surround Yourself with Luck
You and your spouse-to-be are the key players in this whole shebang. But it’s your families, friends, attendants, and guests who make the day a wedding—without them, it would really just be an elopement. Your loved ones provide support for you as you take this major step in your life, and they demonstrate that even though you’re pairing up as couple, you’ll always be part of a larger community. The traditional roles played by your wedding party aren’t only conventions of society; they’re also reminders of where you’ve been and examples of where you’re headed. These are the people who make you lucky. And they’re devoting this day or night of their own lives to bringing you so much love and good fortune. Here’s how you can make even more meaningful memories together.
AUSPICIOUS ATTENDANTS
Whether you have one attendant or ten, your best man is a best woman, your bridesmaids are bromaids, and your ring bearer is your dog, you want to spend your wedding day with the people who make you feel fortunate.
The Best Man and Groomsmen
The need for a designated sidekick is both practical and psychological. It was thought that if the groom needed to go back for something once he had left for the ceremony, he might turn his back on the marriage, too. Therefore, he needed a gofer to fetch anything he forgot. The best man is also a holdover from when weddings involved kidnapping the bride and the groom would recruit his pal who was best with a sword to help seize his intended. Groomsmen safeguarded the bride on her way to the wedding, protecting her from spurned suitors, angry family members, and anyone else who might stop the ceremony—which is why we have processionals and groomsmen dressed like the groom to confuse jealous rivals for the bride’s affection.
Today, before the ceremony, the best man and groomsmen help the groom get ready. In Greece, preparations are ritualized with the koumbaro (see this page), shaving the groom to demonstrate the trust between them. In some parts of Scotland, particularly in Fife, grooms still undergo a jokey foot-washing ritual, an old custom in which the groom’s feet are smeared with grease and soot or ashes before being washed. The tradition is meant to gently mock the groom and bring him good fortune, as coal was considered lucky, but it also gives new meaning to the phrase “cold feet.” The foot-washing may be an abridged version of “blackening the groom,” another Scottish custom in which friends cover the groom in ashes, flour, treacle, and feathers and take him to pubs as part of his stag night.
In most Western cultures, at the end of the ceremony, the best man tips the officiant; according to American lore, it’s lucky to do so with an odd sum of money, perhaps because even numbers can be divided by two, and the couple should be indivisible. Finally, at the reception, he toasts the couple, and the clinking of glasses scares off evil spirits.
The Maid or Matron of Honor and Bridesmaids
The very existence of bridesmaids is a testimony to seeking out good luck and avoiding bad. In ancient Rome, their purpose was to dress like the bride, thereby serving as a decoy for any evil spirits that might swoop in to steal her. They carried bouquets to resemble the bride and in homage to nature—a holdover from ancient Greece, where celebrants at religious ceremonies wore floral crowns to show their respect for the gods (see this page).
Today, brides no longer need decoys, but they still appreciate the support bridesmaids bring while getting ready. In Scotland, the bride has her feet washed—without any ash or other muck—by a happily married friend, to get her marriage off on the right foot.
Other Attendants
The supporting cast at a wedding doesn’t always stop at—or include—groomsmen and bridesmaids. Many cultures have honor attendants who perform an integral role in the ritual. In Greek Orthodox weddings, the couple appoint spiritual godparents to their marriage, known as the koumbaro and koumbara. They cross the wedding crowns over the bride and groom’s heads and assist the priest in the ring exchange—actions believed to bring good luck to whomever performs them. (In other Orthodox Christian traditions, including Russian and Serbian, the priest performs the crowning. For more information on this ritual, see this page.)
In Hispanic cultures, couples often name godparents in charge of certain wedding rituals, namely the padrino or madrina de arras (godfather or godmother of the coins) and padrino or madrina de lazo (godfather or godmother of the rope). The arras are thirteen coins said to bring the newlyweds prosperity, and the lazo is the unity cord that binds the couple together (see this page). In both cases, the godparent will carry the ritual object down the aisle prior to the ceremony.
Lucky Littles
You don’t need to be a folklorist to understand the symbolism of a flower girl—a tiny version of the bride who precedes her down the aisle. She is a visual reminder that the woman getting married was once a girl, and that she may soon have children of her own. What the flower girl carries can be significant as well. In ancient Rome, flower girls held sheaves of wheat, to represent fertility and abundance. In the Middle Ages, and as late as the middle of the last century, they toted garlic and dill to repel evil spirits (and maybe the plague, too). Elizabethan flower girls carried a silver chalice known as a “bride’s cup.” Today these little ladies may scatter petals from a basket, hold floral wreaths, or wave a flower-topped wand. Whatever type of flowers (or herbs) she throws, they’re meant to line the couple’s path with prosperity, fertility, and luck.
Traditionally, the ring bearer is the boy who carries the wedding bands down the aisle. Similar in role to the flower girl, he’s a visual representation of the groom’s past, and of the children the couple may have. In Filipino weddings, instead of having an adult padrino or madrina de arras, a couple will choose a child arrhae bearer to carry the coins.
If you or your spouse-to-be already has a child or children, they’re sharing in your luck on your wedding day. They may love the idea of walking in the processional or being involved in one of the rituals, such as exchanging a family medallion along with the rings (see this page). Or they may prefer to sit with their cousins and not worry about all the grown-ups looking at them. You’ll all feel most fortunate if you follow their lead as to how they want to be incorporated into your ceremony.
As for mini guests, many couples opt for a child-free wedding. But remember that the noise of a baby crying at your ceremony is considered good luck, inviting more of that sound into your future.
KEEP YOUR LOVED ONES CLOSE
No matter how delighted you are to be getting married, it can be hard to feel lucky if one or more of the people you love most aren’t present. A ritual can help you carry an absent loved one in your heart. The bride might hold a bouquet that looks like the one her late grandmother carried, is made up of her departed aunt’s favorite blooms, or is wrapped in her late father’s handkerchief. Or you might display the wedding photos of couples who came before you at the reception to make it feel a bit more like they’re at the party.
While you’re at it, make those people who are with you on the day feel lucky by acknowledging them in some way. Give corsages to your mother, mother-in-law, aunts, babysitters, first-grade teachers, or anyone who made something bloom in your heart. Do the same for gents with boutonnieres that have personal meaning—such as fishing flies for the uncle who always took you out on the lake.
After the bride and groom themselves, the parents of the couple are often the most involved in the wedding. They deserve special recognition for having raised the newlyweds-to-be and having helped them reach this milestone. The Khmer in Cambodia have a specific ritual for expressing filial gratitude: bang chhat madaiy, which means “holding umbrellas over parents.” The couple do just that during a religious ceremony to indicate that now they are the ones who will provide shelter. While most other cultures don’t have a ceremony to thank the parents, a simple gesture such as writing a card goes a long way.
PAY IT FORWARD
Several customs have evolved around the idea of the couple passing on their luck in love to unmarried friends—and none involve asking singletons to shimmy to Beyoncé. Here are a few discreet ways to share the love.
TOSS THE BOUQUET (OR THE HAT. OR THE BREAD.) The bouquet toss, in which the bride throws her flowers over her shoulder to the waiting single women at the end of the reception, is meant to tag the next runner in the relay of marriage. This tradition is believed to have started in fourteenth-century France, and has seen several variations along the way. Queen Victoria gave each of her attendants a myrtle cutting from her bouquet instead of tossing the whole thing to one person. Nineteenth-century American brides threw a small nosegay to each of the maids—whoever got the one with a ring inside was said to be next. All iterations of the custom stem from the belief that the flowers in the bride’s bouquet bring luck. With that as your starting point, you can use your creativity to decide how you will share your good fortune.
You don’t, necessarily, have to throw flowers. In Poland, the bride tosses the czepek, or “marriage cap,” she wears during the reception, while the groom lobs his tie at his single friends (see this page). In parts of Greece, the bride throws a loaf of special wedding bread behind her toward her single friends; the one who catches it will be the next to marry (and anyone who’s feeling peckish is in luck, too, as the bread is sliced, shared, and eaten). The ornately decorated bread is made with wheat (see this page and this page), to symbolize fertility, and often shaped like a circle, to reference eternal love.
TOSS THE GARTER Sometimes practiced as a counterpoint to throwing the bouquet, the garter toss involves the groom removing a ceremonial garter from the bride’s leg and throwing it to the assembled single men—the one who catches it then places it on the leg of the woman who caught the bouquet. It’s meant to be auspicious for the people involved (because, much like the bouquet-snagger, the garter-catcher will marry next), but how lucky the winners feel depends on how comfortable they are with a room full of people watching one of them root around under the other’s skirt. That may sound a little dicey, but it’s positively restrained when you consider the origins of the custom. In Europe in the Middle Ages, people would tear off a piece of the bride’s gown to keep as a lucky talisman (either at the altar, or after having followed the couple to the bedroom where the marriage would be consummated). Since this practice often resulted in the bride getting trampled, it evolved to her giving away the garters that held up her stockings to pacify luck-hungry guests.
PASS THE CROWN At a traditional Finnish wedding, the bride wears a golden crown, or kruunumorsian, with her veil. Post-ceremony, the single women blindfold the bride, form a circle around her, and dance until she manages to place her crown on one of their heads. Whoever is crowned is believed to be the next to marry.
TAG YOUR SOLE SISTERS While dressing for her wedding, a Greek or Turkish bride will invite friends looking for love to write their names on the soles of her shoes. Those whose names rub off by the time the bride is done dancing all night will marry next.
CHARM YOUR BRIDESMAIDS In the American South, brides spread luck to their bridesmaids by working divination into dessert, allowing them to have their fate and eat it, too. Charms on ribbons are hidden in the bottom layer of the wedding cake, and each bridesmaid tugs one prior to the cutting. Each “cake-pull” charm relates to a specific fortune: a sailboat or airplane means that ’maid will take a trip, a baby carriage predicts she’ll become a mom, and so on. (Feel free to make up your own meanings for charms: a camera means she’ll become an Instagram star, a typewriter indicates her novel will be published.) You needn’t limit the fun to bridesmaids. Consider having a cake at the center of each table, a pull for every guest, and a card explaining the meaning of each.
