Chapter 12: Great Dates

The producers, in an effort to make good TV, rack their brains to come up with really fun and interesting ways for a couple to interact.

Forget just meeting for coffee or a meal. They have them learn how to polka. Go to a ceramics class and make personalized mugs. Dog walking for charity. All terrific Great Date Dos. Sure, all their good intentions get shot to hell later on with the prerequisite drunken–hot-tub thing, but I think those first fifteen minutes are pure inspiration!

If you want your own Great Date Production, it’s going to be up to you to do a little behind-the-scenes producing and planning to make the magic happen. (Minus the martinis and bikinis, of course, unless that’s your idea of a worthy dating experience…if so, get thee back to chapter 1!)

Oh sure, in a perfect world, the big dating scene will go like this: Guy calls, has two exciting plans for you to choose from, and executes the details perfectly. The female lead’s only responsibility is to look cute, provide fabulous conversation, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

Haven’t you learned by now that anything Dateworthy—including the actual date itself—is all about what you put into it? You may not get perfect, but if you want a production that’s at the least fun, memorable, and has the possibility of a sequel, then it’s up to you to help direct this date.

So, with Oscar in mind (the award, silly, not some guy!), here are some ideas to get you pumped about your Great Date Production.

dating diary

I met Bryce waiting on a particularly long line at the grocery store. He was about two people behind me, and I caught sight of him when I turned to look for other open cashiers. I finally caught his eye, rolled mine, and smiled, and we started joking about our bad luck with choosing checkout lines. I found out that Bryce had moved into the area a few weeks prior. He asked me if he could see me again and I gave him my number.

We made a date for that evening, and I decided to have him meet me at a restaurant in Greenwich Village. He was twenty minutes late and called the restaurant and asked to speak with me. “These streets make no sense!” he said. “How do I get to you?” I started to tell him about the trains and which way to walk. “I’m driving. I need driving directions.” Yikes. No one drives in New York…

I had no idea which streets ran which way down there to give him accurate directions. I asked the waiter who shrugged his shoulders. “Tell him to pull over and get a cab. It’s easier. Besides, there’s never parking down here.” I got back on the phone and told Bryce this.

“Where am I supposed to put my car to get a cab?”

“In a lot?” I ventured.

He was fuming. “Forget it. Just forget it. You should’ve told me driving was a bad idea.”

Now I was fuming. “You should’ve told me that you planned on driving!”

He was totally ticked off. “Look,” he said. “We’ll try this again some other time, okay?” and hung up…and never called again.

Oh, sure, everyone knows the rule: Whoever does the asking out should have an idea of what to do. (They are also “expected” to pay, but very often, men will insist on footing the bill or at least allow you to just leave the tip. Either way, you should be prepared with extra dough on top of your emergency twenties if you do the asking.)

Oh, no you didn’t. Because you know being Dateworthy means taking the fullest advantage of fate date moments when you may have to get the ball rolling!

So I ask again: What will you say when you make the call? And, on the what-I’m-sure-would-be-preferable flip side, what if he calls you and asks, “What would you like to do?”

Personally, I think the ideal comeback in that instance would be: “I’ll tell you what: Why don’t you tell me what you were thinking, and I’ll tell you what I was thinking, and we’ll see which one is the favorite?” That way, you’ll see whether he really wants to hear what you think…or he’s just a man who didn’t care enough about the date to make a plan. If he says, “I don’t know…” you should say, “Know what? I really want you to have an idea of what you want to do to, so…think about it and call me back!” Click. Talk about a challenge. You didn’t just throw down the gauntlet—you smacked him upside the head with it.

If it’s the former—that he did have a plan, but wanted to hear your ideas—then you should be prepared to respond with an activity that includes at least some of the following:

It promotes conversation. That means, no movies or loud concerts or anything that keeps you both from talking to each other.

It’s wallet-favorable. The last thing anyone needs is to blow the bank on a first date. It’s unfair to whoever is paying, and, from what I’ve read in reader letters, it’s a huge source of discomfort to women who often feel “obligated” to “pay” for their meals with sex.

It’s male friendly. Unless he brings up dancing or a flower show, save that for a later date suggestion. Think in terms of activities that have to do with eating and nothing to do with him tripping or looking stupid or in any way being detrimental to the all-important male ego.

It helps you K.I.S.S. That is, helps you Keep It Short and Simple. If you have a preset time limit (“I’ll meet you at four, but I really have to leave at about six”), you can exit a not-so-great date gracefully…and leave a great date with anticipation about the next one.

dating diary

…On our very first date, Charles took me to a glass-blowing studio and we made holiday ornaments.

…Mark took me to play miniature golf.

…George took me to the zoo.

…Frank took me to a kite-flying class in the park.

…David brought a thermos of hot chocolate and we watched the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons come to life.

• Amusement parks. Ride the rides, go to the funhouse, share nutrient-questionable food. It’s actually a great place to get him talking about his family and childhood.

• Cooking classes. No fooling…or drooling! Guys love to cook. And eat. And actually have a picture in their heads of what you look like in the kitchen. (He doesn’t have to know it’s the last time he’ll see you in the kitchen…just kidding.)

• “It’s not just paintings” museums. Whether it’s sports or music or a chocolate exhibit, find something that you both don’t have to be incredibly art-knowledgeable to enjoy. Walking around also encourages hand-holding, a bonus for him (remember, he’s a two-headed being who’s happy to get skin contact).

• “Old man” sports. Bowling. Playing pool. Golf. Traditionally for old dudes, now trendy. They’re games that are slow-paced with good talking downtime in between, but they’re enjoyable to do and encourage fun competition.

• Brunch. Affordable in even five-star budget-busting restaurants, and it’s early enough to…have another date later but not too early that you can’t still get good sleep after your Saturday night date.

RelationTip: Don’t suggest—or accept a suggestion—unless it’s something you really, truly are interested in doing.

Just remember: included in your “where to go” should also be “where to meet” plans. Bottom line? If he’s a fate date or someone you’ve been corresponding with online, tell him you’ll meet him at the venue. If he’s a relative or friend fix-up, a former coworker, someone from your church—anyone where there’s already a built-in knowledge of each other and of each other’s friends—it’s okay to have him pick you up at your place, but I suggest being ready to go when he gets there so that you can get back into the public space.

And finally, make sure that you both know exactly where and when you’re supposed to meet, and that you both know how to get there. If neither of you have an exact address, offer to call the restaurant for the specific information, and then offer to leave it on his machine. The last thing you want is to end up at Famous Johns on Sixth Avenue while he’s waiting for you at John’s Famous on Sixth Street.

Now that you have lots of Great Date Production location ideas…let’s talk about scene spoilers.

dating diary

I met H.J.—a cute, New Wave singer with several huge radio and MTV hits at the time—at a popular club near my apartment. He sent a waiter over to bring me to the VIP area, where we talked and laughed for hours. Then, he asked if he could walk me home. Normally, I would never do that…but geez, this was H.J., and I figured just letting him walk me there but not letting him up was okay.

We held hands and kissed at the door, and he was okay with my not letting him up. When he called the next day to go out again that evening, I said yes…and let him up into my apartment. Unfortunately, it being a studio, the only place we could sit was the bed…and next thing I knew, we were making out furiously. I realized just before I got too lost in the moment that there’s more than the guy you have to worry about when you invite someone up. You also have to worry about yourself—being human and totally turned on by a guy can make you compromise your rules.

You already know how to be Dateworthy and deal with two-headed beings. You know what to wear, what makes for great date communication, and that the dialogue and the dynamics between you two have all the makings of the start of a successful love story.

Enter the Great Date Spoilers, the on-the-date irritating stuff that causes even the most promising dating scenarios to crash and burn brighter than the Dateworthy glow that should’ve been your close-up moment.

So, you ask, what exactly are these scene-stealing moments? The Academy recognizes the following as the top Great Date Spoilers in the Dating Production category:

Being Late. He arrives at the meeting point on time. Twenty minutes later, he’s still sitting there, wondering, “Did I get the information wrong? Did I get stood up?” and then…just as the host informs him that he has lost his hard-to-get reservation, you show up, all apologetic and trying to be cute and charming. He is required (but resentful) to be a good sport and let it go. If he doesn’t, you get bent out of shape that he wasn’t more understanding. The mood? Irritatingly spoiled.

Being Cell-Bound. He’s in the middle of a funny story when your phone rings. It’s your mom, and you stay on for a while arguing about why you never call. You hang up, and he continues. Your phone rings again—this time, a business call. After a few of those, he stops trying to talk. You are angry that he’s so quiet. The conversation? Spoiled and silent till he says, “Check, please.”

Being Rude to Staff. When the waiter politely told you that he couldn’t accommodate your special meal request, you “whatevered” him. When the guy behind the counter apologized and asked you to repeat what you said, you told him he was incompetent. Your date not only cringes—he apologizes for you (at length if he’s a regular at the date place). You get highly offended and angry and say, “What, are you taking his side over mine?” Still embarrassed and newly ticked-off, he mutters “bitch” under his voice. You answer back, he answers back, bad things are said, and you both stomp off home. The evening? Spoiled, and so will be your reputation amongst anyone he knows.

dating diary

Jeremy was a gorgeous guy who was actually studying to be a chef. Every time he asked if he could cook for me—either at his place, my place, or just bring stuff for a picnic—I turned him down, mostly because, in my mind, if I was going to go on a date, I wanted to go places I normally couldn’t afford to go. One night he called me and said, “It’s the one-month anniversary of our first date. Why don’t I come over and cook us something really special?” I said, “Better yet, why don’t you save yourself all the work and let’s just go to that new fusion place we just read about?” He was quiet. Then he said, “Never mind.” And that was that.

Having Eating Issues. He stops at an Italian ice stand in the park—the best in the city, he says—and you refuse to get any so he has to eat alone while walking with you. Or he takes you to a restaurant that’s world famous for its seafood and you order a salad, everything on the side. Or just as bad, you order several of everything, barely touch more than a modest portion, and doggy-bag the rest for later. He’s either completely ticked off that you had no interest in sharing and appreciating his taste in food or wonders if you just used him for a week’s worth of gourmet groceries. He’ll either end up making comments or asking probing questions about your eating habits that you’ll find make you uncomfortable and defensive. He’ll just give up. The odds that he’ll ever try to share his love of food (which is right up there with his love of sex, sports, and sleep): spoiled.

And while we’re on the subject of food—something that is linked to any date (studies show that sharing food is something that is considered very connecting and loving)—I think it’s important to note that there are just some things you should never order on a first date!

RelationTip: There’s nothing wrong with having an eating preference—you’re a vegetarian or are allergic to seafood—but ante up this info before he makes dinner plans.

• Salad. Unless it’s a chopped salad. But most places just present these giant pieces of lettuce that you cannot possibly get your mouth around, cherry tomatoes that promise to squirt on someone, and…using a knife to cut it down is just way more trouble than it’s worth.

• Linguine, spaghetti, or any other long pastas. You can’t win. You’ll either slurp and flip sauce from the end of the pasta onto your blouse or your date, or roll and roll until you have a massive forkful that you have to cram into your mouth.

• Lobster or crab. Wrestling with crab legs or lobster tails distracts you from the conversation at hand, and the odds of something flying off your plate and onto someone’s lap are huge. Not to mention, those paper bibs look really dorky. If the restaurant doesn’t give you a headstart or just take it out of the shell, avoid it.

• Oversized sandwiches. It’s impossible to take a bite and not look like you’ve got a tennis ball stuck in your cheek, or to have to make hideous mouth moves as you try to chew without opening your mouth. Also, the sandwich version of Murphy’s Law—as you bite down, something will fall out from the other end—makes this a dating no-no.

• Must-floss foods. Ribs. Corn on the cob. These are double don’ts because you have to pick them up with your hands and they are usually dripping in something.

• Foods you love but don’t tolerate well. Sweetie, if you know it gives you gas—save it for alone time, okay?

Now there’s only one thing left for you to consider on your Great Date Production—how’s it all going to end?

RelationTip: While eating, regularly take a small sip of water and gently “push” it through your teeth with your mouth closed—it will get rid of any obvious bits of food in between so that you don’t have to hold back a smile during dinner conversation.

The conversation flowed. There was lots of laughter and connecting and while, deep down, you know that this is Best Behavior Zone, you can’t help but think, “Wow…he’s terrific.”

If the above is all true, then right about now, you are incredibly vulnerable to making some crucial date-ending errors. You might consider having him take you to your door. Even letting him in for a while. After all, there were no scary signposts that unnerved you. Why not keep the night going?

You might consider sleeping with him. Sure, you put on your old lady support stuff…but you figure, if you have him over, you can excuse yourself and slip into something sexier. The chemistry is unbelievable and hey, didn’t he mention that he was blown away by you?

RelationTip: Just because you spent one of the most amazing hours with someone doesn’t mean you know him.

Just because the date was great doesn’t mean that you should throw all of your safety and standards out the window.

If you want a second date, you’ve got to end the first one. You’ve got to tap into your self-worthfullness and find the confidence to say, “Good night,” and the assertiveness to say, “I can’t wait to do this again!”

Take a deep breath, look around for that Dateworthy Dude Checklist in your bag, and remember that for a man, having sex is just sex, not necessarily a second date. Take back your power and your sense of purpose. If you met at a public place, leave separately. If he picked you up, let him drop you off, but make it clear that a walk to the door ends at the door.

And then…only if you really, really like him, and you felt like the feeling was mutual, I say, go in for…the good-night kiss.

The effective good-night kiss is actually a tried and true technique that took me years to develop. Don’t laugh! There is absolutely a way to kiss a guy that leaves him tingly and curious and wanting to kiss you again.

Then: Lean in and connect lips—closed mouth, slightly lingering, and then…a little hint of a lower-lip nibble with your lips.

It’s the ultimate closer statement that lets a guy know that there’s more to you than just great looks and conversation…but that he’s going to have to keep coming back if he wants to see what that is.

Now, I knew you were going to ask…Yes, the good-night kiss is still effective after brunch or lunch or early-in-the-day dates. It’s called the good-night kiss because, done correctly, it will inspire Reaction Central for the rest of his night. And that’s good. Leaving him with Reaction Central in full control of his dreams is definitely a way to burn you into Gray Matter Headquarters!

As the director of this dating epic…can’t you just picture that great good-night kiss moment?

SCENE: The leading lady shuts the door/leaves the restaurant/pool hall. The leading man watches her, a small grin on his face and he thinks about what they’ll do the next time they see each other…

He watches her, a small grin on his face, and, in a voiceover, we hear what he’s thinking: “That was a nice kiss, but…I don’t think I’ll see her again.”

The date we thought was great…but who disappears, never to be seen or heard from again. And you’ll wonder, what happened? I thought I did everything perfectly. What went wrong?

My answer: Maybe you did everything perfectly—but perhaps it was just the wrong audience. Or the wrong timing.

I’m betting that if you feel confident about the date, most likely it was him…not you.

Now for some top-secret information that most books won’t—or can’t—tell you. Because I have so many male readers, I’m able to get a sense of why guys don’t call. The reasons are so incredibly simple and straightforward…and if more women knew them, they would probably stop beating themselves up with an ice-cream spoon and just do as a man does: chalk it up to a loss and move forward, with renewed determination to win the next one.

• Timing. Women may get serious when they meet the right guy, but men…men get serious with whomever they are dating at the right time in their lives. If they meet you at that “I’m still a studly single” moment, and you’re unbelievably Dateworthy—the kind that they would want to get serious with—they move on to what they really need at the moment: the “wild sex” girl.

• Temp-ex. He was with a girl he loved for a while, but he came up several carats short when she gave him the fabulous-finger-hardware ultimatum. He then starts to date with no intention of doing anything but having the greatest time he can have to forget her—and he doesn’t. So he goes back and leaves you hanging.

• Wrong audience. He had the best time with you, but he feels about as attracted as he does to one of his buddies. Have you ever said, “He’s such a great guy, but he’s just not my great guy”? So has he. About great girls. About you.

Because, remember, you are playing a numbers game…and this guy just left you free to pursue your spare “Satur-date”!

Just know this—the more Great Date Productions you work on, the easier it will be for you to get the players and the chemistry right.

The important thing for you to do is do what I did: Chalk up the really bad ones to funny girls-night-out stories, and keep plunging right back in with all the things I learned from experience! RelationTip: Women who are asked out on second dates say that they were less concerned about impressing him and more concerned about having a great time.

If you’re left with the question that’s on many women’s minds: What if my last dating story wasn’t so funny? And my “really bad one” was just that—really bad and super-painful? How do I find a way to take the plunge back into dating? So many questions…so many answers to those issues…in the next chapter.

dating diary

When I told Rob that I loved roller coasters, he took me to a Six Flags park for our first date. We rode everything, shared park junk food on benches, and talked and talked. We were surprised at how many “me too!” moments we had, and how weird it was that we both had been at two of the same music events several months before but never bumped into each other. “I guess it’s all timing,” he said. “You meet someone when you’re supposed to meet them.”

The afternoon date extended into the evening, where we rode rides in the dark and held hands and hugged a lot. By the time he drove me home, I was exhausted but extremely happy. He walked me to the door, I gave him the good-night kiss, and he grabbed my hand as I turned and said, “I can’t wait to see you again.”

Well, I guess he could wait…and wait…and wait. I broke down and called…and called…and finally, one day I caught him on the phone. I tried that cheery “I was just wondering if you were okay because I didn’t hear from you” thing, but when all I got was, “No, I’m okay.” I flipped.

“So why haven’t you called me? What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing, no reason.”

“Oh, come on…We had the best time, right? Don’t you think you owe me an explanation?”

“Remember what I said about timing? Well…I guess you were the right girl but at the wrong time because my ex and I decided to give us another shot.”

“Oh…oh, okay.” And then I wanted to kick myself as these “reassure me, please” words came out: “So, it wasn’t me?”

“No,” he said. “You’re great. It’s me.”

CHAPTER 12