Getting to Know Yourself
Self-knowledge is at the core of showing up—because you can’t possibly take care of yourself if you don’t actually know what your needs are. Once you figure out who you are (and who you are not), it becomes much easier to understand what you want to do (and not do), and to recognize the types of people you want in your life (and those you don’t). There’s not much space for generosity, confidence, or vulnerability when you’re constantly worried about whether you have enough and are enough.
Knowing yourself is also at the heart of showing up for other people. At a basic level, if you aren’t self-aware, it’s impossible to recognize how you’re making other people feel. But it goes even deeper than that: The more you unpack your own motivations and patterns, and name and honor your own needs, the easier it becomes to do the same for others—to understand why they are behaving a certain way, to view their needs as legitimate, to withhold judgment when they are struggling, to be kind and compassionate, and to respond in a way that makes them feel seen. When you are firmly rooted, you can fully stand up for others.
So, what does knowing yourself even mean?
Seems easy enough, right? But it’s not exactly, or at least, it’s not easy for everyone. If you’ve gone through life believing one story about yourself—either a story you invented, or one others wrote about you—it can be hard to suddenly stop and ask yourself if it’s actually true. Figuring out that truth can, at times, be an uncomfortable process. But it can also be enlightening and therapeutic and fun.
As you read this chapter (and, really, this whole book), try to resist any urge you have to immediately overhaul your life based on your newly acquired self-knowledge. I know how hard this can be—intense self-examination can make you want to burn down your entire life ASAP. (But, like, in a good way? Sort of?) But I feel pretty strongly about holding tight for a moment, because it’s important to get comfortable with the first three steps of the showing-up process—noticing, naming, and processing—and just sit in that place for a sec before you move on to the fourth step: responding. (This is extra important if you tend to love big goals; are very all or nothing; or have, on more than one occasion, gotten extremely excited about a “magic” solution that you swore was going to change your whole life and then . . . did not do that.) Listen, I love a grandiose resolution and the ensuing shame spiral once it fails as much as the next gal . . . but the goal here isn’t a big makeover montage; it’s acceptance.
When I say acceptance, I mean bearing witness to what is true about yourself and your life—even the messy, painful, embarrassing parts—so you can respond to that reality. Acceptance is about being brave enough to look at who you are and not turning away or immediately looking for a fix when you don’t like what you see. It’s not about settling; after all, you may still want to make significant changes that will ultimately make your life better. It’s about grace—offering yourself compassion and mercy, even if you’re not totally convinced you deserve it.
If you don’t know yourself, you can’t accept yourself . . . and if you don’t accept yourself and your own limitations, you can’t truly show up for yourself or anyone else.
So, let’s begin.
During this getting-to-know-yourself process, consider starting a journal expressly devoted to, well, you, and to the things about you that seem unchanging, significant, and close to your heart. That could include answers to some of the questions in this chapter; compliments or kind words you want to remember; prayers, meditations, or mantras that move you; things you like about yourself; and your go-to self-care ideas. Think of it as an encyclopedia of you, a little scrapbook of the soul. It’s a simple way to document what’s in your heart and to stay grounded when the world around you feels out of control. When you’re feeling lost or overwhelmed, you can return to this notebook and remember that you are still here, and you are enough.
Your Values
If you’re not a fancy private school or a bland corporate website, you might find the idea of listing your core values to be a bit formal. But I’m going to encourage you to do it anyway! Our values are incredibly important to who we are; they inform our priorities and decisions, guide our behaviors, and shape our relationships. And yet, I’m pretty sure most of us could rattle off a few years’ worth of inane celebrity gossip faster than we could name our personal values, probably because most of us just don’t think about our values all that much. Sure, they are in our brains, vaguely, up there somewhere.
But making decisions without a working knowledge of your own values is a bit of a fool’s errand! As I write this, it’s 10:00 am and I’ve already had to make a lot of choices. I had to decide whether to hit snooze, what to have for breakfast, what clothes to wear, whether and how to respond to several text messages, if I should have more coffee, whether I should check my email, and whether to do the crossword, open Twitter, pick up the novel I’ve been reading, or just start working. And that’s not counting any of the decisions I made about the work itself!
Sure, some of these choices might feel fairly low-stakes, but even the smallest ones have an effect on my mood, my energy, my relationships, my health, and my livelihood—and are rooted in my values in some way. So many of our decisions are related to how we’ll spend our most valuable resources: our time, money, and energy. (More about these later! See Chapter 2.)
Here are some of the everyday decisions that are typically tied to your values.
And it’s not like you can simply opt out of the values–decisions connection; if your choices aren’t rooted in your values, it just means that someone else’s values will dictate what you do.
So take a little time (either right now or, say, in the next couple of days) to think about your values, with the goal of identifying five to ten that you feel represent you. If you’re not sure what your values are, here is a short list of values that may or may not resonate with you to use as a jumping-off point. (And if none of these seems to be quite right, a quick Google search will turn up lists with hundreds of highly specific and very inspiring ideas.)
| Acceptance | Faith | Knowledge |
| Achievement | Fame | Obedience |
| Adventure | Family | Open-mindedness |
| Advocacy | Financial security | Popularity |
| Confidence | Friendships | Positivity |
| Community | Hard work | Power |
| Compassion | Health | Resilience |
| Dependability | Honesty | Self-control |
| Environmentalism | Humor/fun | Self-expression |
| Fairness | Independence | Tradition |
If you’re wondering, mine are curiosity, intelligence, generosity, sincerity, service, dignity, practicality, discipline, loyalty, and justice.
Once you’ve made a list of the values that seem to really define you, spend a little time thinking about each one. What personal experiences made you value this quality or principle? How do these values currently manifest in your life? Do you feel like you’re currently embodying that value? Why or why not?
Also! Don’t overlook the values that you used to care about a lot but no longer do, or any values that you had a strong negative reaction to as you read this list; these can be quite helpful as you’re getting to know yourself. What made the value so important to you at another point in your life? What changed? How do you feel about this shift? Do you miss that value, or are you glad it’s no longer on your list?
You could also pick a few of the values you don’t identify with at all and think about the reasons someone else might have chosen those. How might those values benefit them, and the world? Whenever I spend time really considering the options I didn’t choose in a given situation—and thinking more about the motivation of the people who did—I feel better equipped to show up for others, even if we couldn’t be more different.
Your Preferences
PSA: Your likes and dislikes can change over time—and you are allowed to change your mind! It’s easy to believe your likes and dislikes as something that are established when you’re a child or a teen. You pick a favorite color at five years old and that’s it, you’re done—purple forever! And that’s often how our families treat our likes and dislikes, right? You briefly express an interest in, say, narwhals when you’re in sixth grade and now, more than a decade later, your older relatives are still clipping articles that reference narwhals out of the local newspaper and mailing them to you.
It can be difficult to revisit our likes, because the idea that they might have changed is, well . . . scary. It can make you feel like your entire identity is somehow invalid or a sham. But it’s really worthwhile to regularly pause and consider what you like. I also know most people won’t just do that unless they are explicitly asked about their preferences by some curious individual. So . . . I’m asking you! I’m the curious individual!
Below is a list of categories; for each one, write down three things you like and three things you don’t. (And yes, I think you should actually write/type/record them in some way.) Your answers can be broad (for example, you can say “sweets” are a favorite food) or specific (e.g., likes: candy bars, strawberry ice cream, brownies; dislikes: chocolate ice cream, birthday cake frosting, whipped cream). There are no real rules as long as the exercise is serving you in some way.
The reason I recommend identifying things you don’t like is because a) it can be a huge relief to admit that you dislike something, and b) it allows you to work backward and figure out what you do like. For example, if you dislike the beach, your process from there might look something like this . . .
“I dislike the beach because I hate wearing a bathing suit.”
I like my body to be mostly covered when I’m in public.
I like spaces that aren’t very crowded.
I like being in the shade.
“I dislike the beach because I hate the amount of gear I need to enjoy myself.”
I like activities that require minimal gear/equipment.
I like activities that are inexpensive.
I like activities I can walk to.
And remember: It’s OK if you used to like something but now actually don’t. It’s also OK if you one day decide you like something you originally put on your “dislike” list.
Cool? Cool. Here's the list.
| Colors | Restaurants | Sports (to play or to watch) |
| Weather | Flavors | Games/puzzles |
| Animals | Smells | Outdoor activities |
| Clothing | Music (songs, artists, bands, genres, eras) | Indoor activities |
| Design styles | Movies | Vices/guilty pleasures |
| Art | TV shows | Qualities in other people |
| Foods | Books (specific titles, authors, genres) | |
| Drinks | Cities |
Once you’re done, take a look at your list. How many of the items from the “like” side do you get to experience on a daily or weekly basis? How many things from the “dislike” side are you still putting up with? Is there anything you can do to shift that ratio a bit? It could be as simple as telling your coworkers, “I don’t like eating at this restaurant for lunch every day; I’m going to grab something else,” or as earth-shattering as telling your great-aunt that you no longer care about narwhals.
Breaking the Ice with . . . Yourself
Icebreaker questions aren’t just for getting to know your coworkers during corporate retreats; they can also help you get to know yourself better. Here are some of my favorites for self-reflection.
What was the last thing that pleasantly surprised you?
When was the last time you really wanted to scream?
What is the exact level of famous you’d want to be?
What was a trip or vacation you took that lasted too long?
What’s something about yourself that you hope will never change?
What is the best compliment you’ve ever received?
What is your favorite birthday memory?
What are you a natural at?
Your Comfort
Now let’s take this a step further and talk about what makes you feel content and comfortable and what makes you feel off or uncomfortable. The goal is to determine what arrangements or qualities allow you to experience satisfaction, relief, encouragement, and enjoyment in a given day or situation.
When you have a clear sense of what specifically makes you feel good (or bad), you can improve your self-awareness, recognize your true needs, set boundaries, and effectively respond to problems (big and small). But so many of us have been trained not to take our personal preferences and comfort seriously or to advocate for our basic needs. Sure, you can’t always optimize your life for max comfort—we do, after all, live in a society—but it’s still important to know what your preferences are. Without that baseline, you can’t possibly know how and when you’re deviating from it.
The following questions are designed to help you figure out what makes you feel most satisfied in your environment, your everyday life, and your interactions with other people. But! Don’t worry if you can’t answer them all! Don’t feel like you have to! (It’s also OK to have different answers within different contexts!) If you feel overwhelmed, remember that this is a gentle conversation between you and yourself, and your answers are just for you. By the time you’re done, you will have a working list of your preferences.
Your Everyday Life
Your Environment
Feelings, Emotions, and Relating to Others
Once you finish this exercise, you should have a better sense of what helps you thrive and what makes you feel kind of terrible. Are you regularly able to experience comfort and satisfaction? If not, you don’t need to overhaul your life; instead, try to sit with this knowledge and put some thought into what got you to this point.
The Four Levels of Mental Energy
I often turn to Gretchen Rubin’s four levels of mental energy to help me figure out what I want and need and should be doing with myself in a given moment. Here’s how she defines the four levels.
Level 1: Contemplative Energy—planning, deciding, creating, inhibiting (holding yourself back from saying, doing, or thinking something), setting priorities, making transitions
Level 2: Engagement Energy—talking to other people; reading or observing, using critical thinking
Level 3: Audience Energy—passively watching or listening
Level 4: Habit Energy—mindlessly executing a habitual behavior
Realizing that I can’t tackle Level 1 activities (at least not successfully) when I’m at a Level 3 was a light-bulb moment for me. Of course, I don’t always have a choice, but even just naming the level I’m currently at makes me feel better—more in control, more realistic, and more capable.
I Endorse: Personality Tests
We’re currently living in a golden age of personality tests. (One 2018 article in The New Yorker said there are more than two thousand personality tests available on the market right now.)4 But humans were into the idea of assigning labels to people’s behavior well before the first viral BuzzFeed quiz. Early forms of astrology existed in ancient cultures,5 and Hippocrates believed that human behaviors and moods were based on our humors (our bodily fluids) and identified nine human temperaments. Love them or hate them, personality tests aren’t exactly new.
So, do personality tests “work”? I mean, it depends how you define “work.” I’ll be honest: I’m not terribly concerned with whether personality tests have been peer-reviewed (they . . . have not). It’s not that I’m anti-science; I just think that this question misses the point.
I view personality tests as a tool that helps us understand ourselves and each other a little bit better. And if that’s their purpose, then yes, I’d say they do work. (Or, at least, they can.) Taking personality tests over the years has genuinely made me more self-aware, because reading the different results has helped me name my qualities (good and bad), my needs, and my preferences, and made me realize that some of ways I act or react in certain situations aren’t actually universal. It’s so easy to tell yourself everyone does something until it’s called out as something that’s unique to you (or to a somewhat limited group of people).
Of course, no personality test is completely accurate, and many of them are frustratingly black-and-white. But in general, they provide a helpful jumping-off point for self-examination. You might read about “your” personality type and think, That’s not me at all, and have tons of examples to prove it. Or you may know, That used to be me, but I didn’t like that about myself, so I worked really hard to change it. Or you might think, I wish that were me. And that’s all really helpful information to have!
Personality tests also give us a shorthand way of communicating who we are and what we want. Think about it: after taking a personality test, what do you immediately want to do? Share your results with a friend, and then get them to take the test, too. And those conversations are valuable! I’ve found that the best way to get something out of a personality test is to discuss the results with someone you’re really close to—that person who can say, “Actually . . . you do kind of do that,” when you’re insisting you don’t. Personality tests create a safe space for naming and sharing needs. And they give us a shared vocabulary that allows us to be better at showing up for each other. Once I’m familiar with my friends’ love languages, for example, I can demonstrate that I care about them way more effectively. Even just having terms like “introvert” and “extrovert” in the public consciousness makes it a little easier for us to be good to each other.
Personality tests to try:
Enneagram
16 Personalities
The 5 Love Languages
The Four Tendencies
I like personality tests because they take what can be a very vulnerable experience—self-examination—and make it more fun. Let’s face it: it’s way less painful to be gently dragged by a personality test than by a person who actually knows you.
Your Emotions
I regret to inform you that we now have to talk about our feelings! (Trust me, I’d much rather talk about personality tests.) Like our values, our feelings play a major role in our everyday choices. Being able to perceive and name your emotions is critical to self-awareness and identifying what you need—so, two major aspects of showing up.
According to clinical psychologist David Walton, “Being able to give the emotions you experience a name is not some touchy-feely idea about sensitivity. Naming it involves consciously thinking about what is happening and choosing how to react. If you can find words to describe how you feel at the time, and (even better) what’s causing it, you will automatically become more sensitive and aware.”6 When you can name your emotions and connect them to your behavior, you can avoid the behaviors and habits that you know haven’t, uh, always worked out so well for you (or for anyone).
For example, if you feel angry about something, your next move might be quite different than if you actually feel irritated, sad, scared, or hurt. Some feelings call for a conversation; others call for a trip around the block to cool off and let it go. Naming your feelings will also give you a better sense of how strong a feeling is. There’s a big difference between furious and cranky, and it’s better to identify what specifically you’re experiencing instead of just going with “I DON’T KNOW, I JUST FEEL ANGRY!!!!” and then blowing up accordingly.
If you need to get better at naming your emotions, the Center for Nonviolent Communication’s website has a fantastic list of feelings to describe what’s going on with you in a given moment, which might help you strengthen your emotional vocabulary. But really, naming your emotions begins with checking in with yourself regularly. Walton says, “Real awareness asks you to turn a switch, focusing on ‘What’s going on inside me at this moment?’”
Your Needs
Once you’ve identified an emotion or feeling, it’s important to stop and ask yourself what underlying need is causing it. It’s the part of the showing-up process when you go from “I feel angry that so few people have responded to my birthday party invite” to “I feel anxious about my birthday party because I want it to be special. I want to be celebrated by my friends. I’m feeling lonely and I need companionship. I need affirmation that my friends actually care about me. I just want to feel like I belong here, and that people accept me.”
Admitting you need something is a vulnerable act, which is why it can be so difficult. The word needy isn’t typically used as a compliment; being called needy (or simply feeling needy) can be a blow to our pride, our sense of identity, and our belief in how we “should” be. But you simply can’t take care of yourself if you don’t know what your needs are, so these days, I try to make a habit of naming my needs regularly—especially when I’m feeling very strong emotions, or reacting in a way that I’m not proud of.
Once you figure out your underlying need, you can move forward in a way that truly honors your need. And that path forward won’t necessarily look like confronting other people or sharing your needs with them; sometimes, it’ll simply mean you need to respond to yourself in a different way. Here is a list of common needs7 that might come in handy if you find yourself feeling A Way but can’t quite put your finger on why.
| Acceptance | Ease | Security |
| Affection | Empathy | Self-expression |
| Appreciation | Freedom | Space |
| Beauty | Humor | Stability |
| Belonging | Inclusion | Support |
| Choice | Independence | To know and be known |
| Closeness | Intimacy | To see and be seen |
| Communication | Joy | To understand and be understood |
| Community | Love | Trust |
| Companionship | Mourning | Warmth |
| Compassion | Nurturing | |
| Consideration | Order | |
| Consistency | Respect | |
| Cooperation | Safety |
Also consider these physical needs (which we’ll talk about more in Chapter 3).
| Food | Movement | Sex and/or touch |
| Water | Fresh air | Quiet |
| Sleep/rest | Physical or mental space | To use the bathroom |
| Cleanliness |
Naming your needs can be uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve been telling yourself for years that you don’t (or shouldn’t) have needs, or that your needs don’t matter. If you’re struggling with this part, it can feel “safer” to begin by reflecting on past needs instead of attempting to name your current ones. So reread the list above and try to identify three to five needs you experienced in the past two weeks. How did the needs present themselves? What emotions did you feel? Did you address the need in any way? Did you share the need with anyone else? What happened?
How to Communicate Your Needs to Others
Once you’ve identified a need, the next step might be communicating it to someone else. If this is something you really struggle with, I suggest starting very small. Don’t jump in with the big asks; practice sharing needs that are relatively low-stakes, and do it when things are going pretty well for you overall. My approach? Begin by communicating your needs to strangers when they ask or offer.
In practice, this might look like . . .
Next, you can move on to communicating your needs to people you know when they ask or offer, and to strangers when they don’t ask or offer. That might look like . . .
Over time, you’ll start to realize that most of these requests are fine! Even if you don’t get what you want, the act of asking probably won’t lead to a SWAT team descending on you and arresting you for daring to say you’d like an additional snack. So from here, you can start communicating your needs to people you know when they don’t ask or offer. That could mean . . .
I promise: Telling people what you need really does get easier! I say this as someone who is now fairly good at sharing needs like the ones above (and who is decent at sharing bigger needs) but who didn’t used to be this way. I’m not naturally fearless; I just practice. I became confident in asking for what I need the old-fashioned way: one terrified-but-ultimately-fine request at a time.
Your Boundaries
Taking care of something means protecting it, and strong, well-considered boundaries—which therapist Andrea Bonior defines as “principles that you establish in order to keep yourself feeling safe and comfortable, emotionally and physically”8—will allow you to protect yourself from all of the negativity waiting just outside the gates: draining conversations, useless apps, toxic people. Similar to values, boundaries are something we all have (yes, even the people whom you look at and think “Wow, they have zero boundaries”) but can’t always easily name. Which isn’t good—because if you can’t name them, it’s going to be harder to confidently enforce them. If you want to show up for yourself, it’s important to put real thought into the boundaries you hold dear.
To get started, consider the following list of general areas in which you’re allowed** to set and enforce boundaries. You don’t have to limit yourself to one boundary for each of these items; you can (and likely will!) have different boundaries with different people or types of relationships, and those boundaries can change. You also don’t have to set or enforce particularly strict boundaries for all of these items; I certainly don’t! This list is meant to show you what a boundary can be, so it’ll click when someone is crossing the line . . . or when someone is attempting to set a boundary with you but doesn’t have quite the right language (or the courage) to communicate that it is, in fact, a boundary.
Your Body
Your Home and Belongings
Your Money
Your money is . . . your money! Here are some categories where you might encounter particularly annoying expectations/attitudes, or where people may hassle you about what you will or won’t spend.
You can also set boundaries more broadly around your finances; you can choose not to share your income, your partner’s income, your parents’ income, or anything else.
Your Time
You get to decide how much time you’re willing/able/choosing to spend on . . .
Your Energy and Attention
Your Privacy
You aren’t obligated to share details about your life with other people, including your friends/family/parents/coworkers/strangers on the internet! That includes . . .
Of course, just because you set a boundary doesn’t mean it will be respected. And there will certainly be instances where enforcing a boundary could stand in the way of achieving greater intimacy, or prevent someone from being able to really show up for you. It’s also wise to remember that boundaries are both cultural and personal, and someone who is crossing your line isn’t necessarily a terrible person. (To be clear: They might be a terrible person! Just not necessarily, in every case.) In their family, friend group, or workplace, what they are doing could be completely normal, and they might not mind at all if they were on the receiving end of said behavior.
That said, it’s still necessary and important to communicate your boundaries. And if your boundaries turn out to be something of a deal breaker, that’s fine, too! If a new pal wants a friend who is, say, comfortable with talking about sex in explicit detail, and you’re just never going to be that friend, that’s really OK.
You can clue people in to your boundaries before a line gets crossed the same way you’d share any preference or opinion: Mention it when the relevant topic comes up, keep your tone confident and fairly light/neutral, and try to avoid shaming people who might feel different. (Much of that will come through in your tone, but you can add “I know not everyone shares this belief” or “I know I’m in the minority on this, but it’s just something I feel strongly about” to any of the phrases below.) If you want a little inspiration, here are some ideas to get you started.
What to say
“[Thing] makes me so uncomfortable.”
“I’m really not a fan of [thing].”
“I’m a fairly private person” or “I’m fairly private when it comes to X.”
“Oh yeah, that’s not for me” or “That’s not something I’d ever be OK with doing.”
“I find it hard to do X with people I just met” or “I prefer not to do X with people I don’t know very well.”
“I don’t really like to talk about X.”
“I’m a big believer in [not discussing my marriage with friends/having a set amount of alone time every week].”
“I take [family time/studying/sex/saving money] really seriously” or “X is really important to me.”
“I’ve noticed you ask me about X a lot, and I’d prefer you didn’t.”
“I never joke about X” or “I don’t think jokes about X are funny.”
“Oh, I’m not a [hugger/very touchy person]!” or “Oh, I can’t stand having people touch my hair.”
If someone explicitly asks “Is this OK?” or “Do you like this?”
“Oh, no thank you!” or “I’d prefer not, actually” or “That actually makes me feel a bit [squeamish/stressed/etc.] and I’d love to [change the subject/sit this one out].”
Some of these statements will also work if the person has already crossed the line and you’re trying to gently readjust. But if/when it’s past that point, you’ll probably need to have a more serious conversation, which we’ll cover in Chapter 10. And, of course, you should notice when folks are making similar statements to you—because they are communicating their boundaries, and it’s on you to adjust accordingly.
Alanis Morissette’s Four Boundaries
In an article for SELF, Alanis Morissette shared her idea of four essential boundaries, which she has also passed along to her children: “You can’t tell me what I’m thinking, you can’t tell me what I’m feeling, you can’t fucking touch my body/you can’t do anything with my body, and don’t touch my stuff.”
That’s pretty much the stuff that matters, you know?