Showing Up for Yourself Every Damn Day
Showing up for yourself takes place in your habits—the behaviors you repeat, often without having to really think about them. But I believe that we should be thinking about them. Because the things we do every day—the clothes we wear, the spaces we inhabit, the objects that surround us, the hobbies and activities we partake in—are more than just background scenery. They’re . . . it.
Our everyday habits and routines define how we spend the majority of our TME. When they feel right, life feels a tiny bit better. When they are a source of frustration or discomfort or shame, life feels so much harder. And that is true regardless of what is happening with the so-called “big” stuff like your job, relationships, health, finances, and the culture around you. In this chapter, we’ll talk about how to notice the way you move through certain spaces every day, and to approach your habits and routines in a thoughtful, considered, intentional way—because ultimately, these seemingly small choices, behaviors, and settings are what make up a day, a year, a life.
The Great Indoors
After I moved from Houston to Brooklyn in 2014, my new apartment was quite empty. I barely had any stuff, or any money to buy stuff. (Moving across the country is not cheap.) There wasn’t much I could do about this; I accepted that my apartment would simply have to exist in that frustrating post-move transitional state for the foreseeable future. After a few dark and anxiety-filled nights alone in the apartment, I realized I didn’t need money to turn my apartment into a home. I couldn’t buy furniture, but I could tape a large empty shipping box shut, set a small lamp on it, and call said box a nightstand. So that is what I did.
Even though most of my belongings remained in storage in Houston, there was something about moving my lamp from the floor next to my bed to a higher surface that made me feel like I was in a home. My home. It wasn’t a “real” nightstand, but it was a nightstand nonetheless—and one I had chosen solely because I knew it would make me feel a little better. It cost me nothing, but it helped so much, making the overwhelming and terrifying experience of a cross-country move (and a brand-new job) a little less stressful. When I think of what it means to show up for yourself in your home, I think of that cardboard nightstand.
If you don’t really care about decor or art or having nice furniture, that’s OK! But your domain is your domain! It’s the place you can be your truest self: walk around without pants on, listen to your favorite music as loudly as you want, examine every weird spot that appears on your body, talk to your pet like they are a human being. If you don’t feel good at home, it’s so much harder to feel good out in the world.
Throughout this chapter, I’ll use the term “home” and “your place” to refer to the physical unit you call home on a daily basis—whether that’s a single room, an apartment you rent, or an entire house. And when I say “space,” I’m referring to zones within your home (like your kitchen table, or your bed and nightstand) and other spots where you spend a lot of time—so your desk or office at work, your car, your yard, wherever.
And when I use the word cozy here (and throughout the book), I mean “giving a feeling of comfort, relaxation, wholesomeness, pleasure, and intimacy.” It’s less about things that are physically warm (like blankets and tea), and more about things that feel special, pleasing, gentle, and wholesome, and that make you feel more complete and content.
Your Stuff
A lot of people mock the idea that everything we own should spark joy—the central idea in Marie Kondo’s mega bestseller The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up—but I’ve actually found it incredibly helpful. It’s so simple, but it has been something of a North Star since I read the book, helping me to save money and time and to be a less wasteful person in general. As Marie Kondo’s star has risen, I’ve heard a lot of, “BUT MY TRASH CAN DOESN’T SPARK JOY SO I GUESS I SHOULD JUST GET RID OF IT AND THROW MY GARBAGE ON THE GROUND, HUH????” and I’m just like, Anyone who thinks a trash can can’t spark joy has clearly never owned one they hate.16
You don’t have to love your trash can, but I hope you can agree that the things we buy and surround ourselves with matter. It’s not frivolous to love a particular towel or mug, have extremely strong feelings about light bulbs, or read reviews of laundry baskets before you buy one. (It’s also fine to think all coffee makers are created equal or to source your furniture from garage sales.) Like the foods we eat and the people we spend time with, our belongings play a big role in how we feel, so it’s worth figuring out what items will make your place feel like your place. (And yes, it’s worth doing this even if you don’t have the resources to buy said items, or to overhaul your entire home right now.) As a beautiful essay on the inspirational website The School of Life puts it:
The quest to build a home is connected up with a need to stabilize and organize our complex selves. It’s not enough to know who we are in our own minds. We need something more tangible, material and sensuous to pin down the diverse and intermittent aspects of our identities. We need to rely on a certain kinds of cutlery, bookshelves, laundry, cupboards, and armchairs to align us with who we are and seek to be. We are not vaunting ourselves; we’re trying to gather our identities in one receptacle, preserving ourselves from erosion and dispersal. Home means the place where our soul feels that it has found its proper physical container, where, every day, the objects we live amongst quietly remind us of our most authentic commitments and loves.17
To get started, take a little tour of your place! Here are some questions to consider as you go.
What items or spaces make you feel extremely cozy?
These can be extremely small—a wall hook, a dish, a particular color. What specifically do you love about them? Pay attention to how different objects feel to the touch; to the lighting (try this during the day and then again after dark); to how things smell; and to what sounds you hear. Note: There might not be that many things that you feel excited about right now, and that’s fine!
What items or spaces make you feel angry, sad, embarrassed, or annoyed or make your life demonstrably more difficult?
These are the things that you curse on a regular basis, that you’re always apologizing for when people come over, or that make your life harder in some way. And the “make your life difficult” question is an important one—if you struggle to fall asleep at night because your window doesn’t have shades, that’s a problem. Also take note of which of these things bother you because they are broken and need to be fixed, and what, if anything, is just obsolete and could be tossed. Pay close attention to anything that causes you legitimate shame or stirs up bad feelings.
Which (if any) of your observations—good or bad—are related to cleanliness or chores?
For example, you might feel good about your nicely made bed or uncluttered kitchen table or feel anxious about the pile of clean laundry that needs to be put away. Speaking of chores, resist the urge to start fixing or tidying as you take your tour! I get the impulse, I do—but if you follow that urge, in a few hours you’ll find that your bed is covered with every single item that was once in your closet, and you are no closer to understanding what you like about your home.
Next, think about other homes you’ve spent time in (e.g., your friends’ homes, your family members’ homes, and the home you grew up in).
What are the best, coziest things about those homes? Again, be super specific; is it the colors that you love? The windows, the lighting, the floors, the textiles, the plants, the fact that there’s always a candle burning? Also think about anything that makes you feel bad or stressed out in those places.
How do you feel about your home’s location and style?
You might not be able to afford the exact neighborhood or type of home you want to live in, but thinking through your preferences can still tell you a lot about yourself and help you make more informed choices going forward. How important is it that you live in a bustling neighborhood? What about proximity to a park? Which do you value more—an older building with charming molding or modern amenities like in-unit laundry? Think about what’s most important to your overall well-being.
Once you’re done with this exercise, you should have a better understanding of what things—big and small—actually matter to you and have an impact on how you feel on a daily basis with regard to your space. From here, the task isn’t to go out and buy a bunch of new furniture, or to give up entirely because you can’t gut your house right now. It’s about understanding what you need and want in general so that you can figure out what you can do in the near future and down the line. The goal is to build a home you love and feel less guilty about the things you can’t or don’t want to attend to right now.
As a next step, make a list of everything you’d like to change or add to make your home feel cozier, and note whether said change will take time, money, energy, or some combination. Then rank the tasks by which ones matter most to you, taking into account how much TME you care to spend right now.
So, your list might look something like this . . .
Very important/tackle ASAP
Install towel rack in bathroom (money, time, energy)
Call landlord to have broken door handle fixed (energy)
Add cozy lighting to bedroom
Hang the string lights I bought two months ago (time, energy)
Find and buy a lamp I like (time, energy, money)
Kind of important
Deal with mail pile of shame (time, energy)
Deal with closet of shame (time, energy)
Hang stuff on the walls
Print photos (time, money, energy)
Buy picture frames (time, money, energy)
Hang up said picture frames (time, energy)
Someday
Buy new rug for bedroom (money)
Patch hole in living room wall (time, energy, money)
Buy good knives (money)
And remember: It’s OK if your “very important/tackle ASAP” list is short. Maybe all you can do for right now is open the windows to get some fresh air flowing, straighten that pile of laundry so it’s not falling over, stick up a Command hook for your keys, and add a better trash can to your wish list. Maybe all you can do for right now is realize that you care a lot about nice lighting and not tripping over power cords, so you’ll turn an empty cardboard box into a nightstand until you can afford to buy a real one. Maybe you’ll be surprised by how much these small changes can help.
Basically: If you have the means to get a nicer couch and that would make you happier, then do that. If that’s a non-starter, maybe just take all of the shit off your couch?
Chores
Speaking of taking the shit off your couch . . . let’s talk about chores!
I have a love-hate relationship with chores. I don’t love doing them—they are chores after all—but I love having done them. And even though there are some chores I absolutely hate (read: all the water chores), I still consider chores a crucial part of my showing-up routine.
When my space is tended to, I feel less stressed, more comfortable, more focused, and better rested. Doing chores can also be a form of self-care in a more literal sense—because a clean, tidy home is going to be safer and healthier than one that is not.
The opposite is also true: When my home isn’t clean and tidy (by my own standards), I feel far less equipped to handle life’s daily stressors and to show up for the people I care about. And I know I’m not the only person who feels this way. Doing chores regularly can be a good way to remove unnecessary stress from your life and make your home a cozier, more pleasant place to be. (By the way, if chores are a struggle for you because of bigger issues, feel free to skip or skim this section for now. You might find that the tips in Chapter 5 are more your speed.)
To figure out what your version of a “clean home” and your ideal chore routine look like, revisit some of the observations you noted during your walk-through in the previous section. Here are some additional questions to consider.
Do you care more about tidiness or cleanliness?
Two very different things! To care about tidiness is to care about neatness—so: Items are stored in their proper place and arranged in an orderly manner, and clutter is at a minimum. To care about cleanliness is to care about filth—it’s wanting a space that is free of dirt, stains, spills, hair, dust, and germs. It’s surprisingly easy to care a lot about one while barely noticing the other. Think about which one matters most to you, or if they matter equally. (And the answer to this question might be “neither” . . . in that case, try to determine which one is more important to you.)
What messy, cluttered, or dirty areas in your home make you feel bad or make life more difficult? What neat, clean, tidy areas in your home make you feel good or make life easier?
Put some thought into what specifically makes you low-key mad every single day, what slows you down when you’re getting ready and getting out the door, what gets in the way of cooking or preparing food, what causes tension with housemates, and what makes it harder to engage in or enjoy the other things you care about (e.g., hobbies, entertaining, working from home, sleeping). And also think about the things that make you demonstrably happier whenever they are taken care of. All this can help you determine which chores specifically feel valuable and pressing to you.
How do you feel physically during and after chores?
Doing chores can be a literal pain. If you have arthritis, asthma, bad knees, or a disability, you might find it difficult to do a lot (or all!) of the chores you’d like to do. In some instances, you may be able to figure out tenable solutions. But you also may not be able to. And that’s fine! The point of this exercise is to figure out what makes sense in your life.
How do you feel emotionally before and after you do chores?
Rate how you feel about each chore on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 1 being “I will put this off for as long as humanly possible” and 10 being “I love this, I could do it every day!!!”). Do you dread chores more on a certain day of the week (like, say, when coupled with your Sunday Scaries)? Do you hate doing chores before you have people over because you don’t want to be rushed—or do you live for the thrill of it? Then think about how you feel after doing different chores. Do you feel proud and accomplished or annoyed that you spent any time on it at all?
How are you feeling in general about the state of your home and your chores routine?
How much time are you spending on chores? How often are you doing them? Does it feel worth it? What’s working? What’s not? What circumstances and choices have led to the current situation? Are any of those things you can change? And do you actually want to change them? And be honest with yourself about that last part. Just because you could do chores more often (because there are technically enough hours in the week), and think you probably should do chores more often (because you feel a lot of guilt about it) doesn’t mean you are actually going to—because it might mean giving up something else that’s a higher priority to you, and you don’t actually want to do that.
From here, try to come up with an approach to doing chores that matches your life, and that you feel good about—because once you have an established baseline of what will make you feel good, why it makes you feel good, and the best way to go about doing it, you can spend less time beating yourself up over all the things you “should” be doing, and more time getting the damn thing over with and moving on. It might be as simple as figuring out a few smaller tasks that you can do every day (like putting the dishes into the dishwasher immediately after eating, or making your bed right when you get up). Maybe it’s doing chores on a different day. (Doing my chores on Friday nights was a game-changer for me.) It could involve researching vacuums and saving up for a good one that you love. Or it might be establishing a robust chore schedule. It’s really your call!
And similar to your approach to nourishing yourself (and . . . everything else in this book), your approach to chores should reflect the life you currently live. There’s truly no benefit to telling yourself you’ll clean a little bit every evening if you know you won’t; you’ll simply feel guilty every evening when you don’t do the thing. It’s better to be honest with yourself and come up with a plan you can actually achieve. If all you’re doing is building a shiny new tool that you’ll then use to beat yourself up, it doesn’t count as showing up for yourself.
Making Your Space Cozier
Here are some tips that offer the most bang for your buck.
Decor
Mood
Chores
The Great Outdoors
I have always been what one might call an “indoor girl” and thought of showing up for myself as something best done at home. But that started to change after I read The Nature Fix by Florence Williams, which outlines the scientifically backed ways in which nature—trees, water, plants, birdsong, fresh air, an absence of human-made sounds—makes us feel better. I decided to put some of Williams’s tips into practice and was kind of embarrassed by how much better I felt, pretty much immediately. It wasn’t even that hard! I just had to, like, make a point to look at flowers and trees instead of cars and garbage when I walked around the city. But it turns out, I wasn’t alone in my belief that I was too good for nature; Williams says that people routinely underestimate how much better nature will make them feel and blow it off as a result.18
Nature is now a big part of my showing-up routine; I simply can’t deny that it turns me into a much better version of myself. As Williams says, “There are times when we could all be a little less reactive, a little more empathetic, more focused and more grounded. That’s where a nature dose can help.” Uhhhh, yes! These days, you can regularly find me exclaiming, “Who is she?!” upon seeing a particularly majestic tree (and then whipping out my copy of National Geographic Field Guide to the Trees of North America to find out); taking an afternoon break in a park; pointing out fractals in the wild; and walking to the river just in time for sunset.
I was especially inspired by Williams’s description of a nature pyramid, which she credits to Tim Beatley, who runs the Biophilic Cities project at the University of Virginia. It’s similar to the classic food pyramid and is a handy way to think about how much nature we all need.
The Nature Pyramid
If you’re not sure where to begin, here are some tips that helped me start using nature as a way to relax and recharge.
Start with your own backyard.
I used to think “nature” was something that happened elsewhere—in the woods, at a lake—but it’s worth taking a look around the places you spend the most time and seeing if that’s actually true. Even though I don’t have my own yard in NYC, I do have stunning trees on my block (and I can now tell you what kind they are!!!), parks within walking distance, and an array of flora and fauna crossing my path every single day.
Make nature come to you.
Bird feeders, bee hotels, and butterfly gardens are great ways to do this. And don’t overlook the power of desk plants, aromatherapy, or pumping nature sounds through your headphones.
Learn more about nature.
The more I know about nature, the easier it is for me to observe and appreciate it. Try reading science and outdoor blogs and listening to science podcasts. Or look to Mary Oliver, patron saint of nature poetry. Her poems are so soothing and relaxing; I especially love reading them while outside.
Go to the water.
Even though I don’t much care for getting in the water, being near water makes me feel better. Spending a day at the beach makes me feel like a whole new person, and simply sitting or walking next to one of NYC’s rivers fills me with awe and sends my brain into the “calm alert” zone that feels so damn good.
Getting Dressed
A lot of people think of getting dressed as something we do for other people, but I put it firmly in the “showing up for myself” category. And showing up isn’t about dressing up. Sure, it could mean putting on a sequined dress, but it might also mean putting on cozy sweatpants—because one of those feels truer to your real identity and brings you joy, and one of them makes you feel twitchy. Consider a floral dress, a tube of red lipstick, a pair of sneakers, or a trip to the hairdresser; any of these can feel luxurious, beautiful, special, oppressive, uncomfortable, or like an act of survival . . . it all depends on who you are.
When I think about what it means to show up for myself through my clothes (and my hair, makeup, and accessories), I think about comfort. Not just physical comfort (though my wardrobe is basically built around my desire to wear flat shoes the majority of the time), but comfort in the sense of feeling confident and at ease with my appearance and in how I move through the world. Wearing clothes you feel truly comfortable in can be difficult, particularly if you have a body that our culture has decided to police more, or if your vision of yourself is at odds with what society has deemed acceptable. But even if you can’t wear what you want all the time, it’s still worth knowing what genuinely comfortable clothing looks like to you.
We’ve all had those days where we’ve worn something we don’t quite feel at home in. It’s that item you didn’t really love, but bought anyway—because it was on sale, or because it represented the person you hoped to be, or because you needed some new clothes and didn’t hate it—and now feel like you have to wear it. Maybe it doesn’t quite fit right, or has a feature (peplum, a floppy bow) that you dislike. Or you like it as a standalone piece but have no idea what to wear with it, and every time you try to make an outfit out of it, you regret what you come up with. Whenever you resign yourself to wearing it, you think maybe this time will be different. But it’s never different!!! Each time you wear it, you spend your day tugging at it, anxiously checking your reflection to see if you look as bad as you feel.
Wearing clothes you don’t feel good in is a huge distraction. It can be hard enough to get through a day even when you do like your outfit! And if you’re too hot, too cold, too exposed, or wearing something that’s itchy or tight or ill-fitting or just not you, it’s basically impossible to feel at ease.
So if you’re trying to do a better job of showing up for yourself, spend some time thinking about the role your wardrobe plays in how you’re feeling on a given day. Here are some questions you might think about.
When you’re thinking through these questions, try to get super specific—consider not just pants or dresses but underwear, socks, boots, sandals, gloves, pajamas, coats, weekend wear, and the clothes you put on after work but before bedtime. So often, these are the items that make a big difference in how we feel, particularly during seasons with extreme weather. Also think about the role that hair, makeup, and jewelry play in how you feel. Would you be happier if you gave yourself permission to cut your hair short, stop wearing makeup, or wear big-ass earrings every day?
Once you’ve gone through this process, you’ll hopefully have a better understanding of how your clothes are influencing the way you feel, and be able to figure out your core needs and priorities with regard to your wardrobe. Shopping for clothes and getting dressed can be so fraught and so discouraging—and so expensive, so time-consuming, and so tiring. Figuring out what you feel best in and what you feel terrible in, and then committing to wearing more of the former and less of the latter, can be truly life-changing. It may take a little while to get there, but you can—one pair of comfortable shoes, great pants, and big-ass earrings at a time.
You Probably Need a Hobby
Not to brag, but I am really good at having hobbies. It’s not that I’m good at all the hobbies I take up . . . but I’m great at pursuing hobbies. This is probably because hobbies combine three of my favorite things: learning new stuff, buying new stuff, and—according to every personality test I’ve ever taken and my natal chart—an obsession with self-improvement.
If you don’t have a hobby at the moment, might I suggest remedying that? Hobbies provide you with a sense of accomplishment; teach you about yourself; introduce you to new people, concepts, and facts about the world; and give you something to do besides watch the same episodes of reality TV and scroll on your phone.
Hobbies vs. Activities
My friend Terri says that there are two types of people in this world: People who like hobbies and people who prefer activities. I concur! She defines a hobby as something you craft and pursue over time, and an activity as something that doesn’t require any real skill and that is typically more of a onetime event (though you can definitely do the same activity repeatedly). To quote Terri: “Lying on the grass in the park on a nice day? Activity! Going to the park every weekend with your Nat Geo field guide to identify the birds chirping loudly overhead? Hobby!” So if hobbies aren’t working for you, perhaps consider getting into activities (like visiting museums, going to concerts or shows, reading, trying new restaurants, doing puzzles, or playing games) instead.
Whether you choose a hobby or an activity, the goal is just to develop an interest that brings joy, satisfaction, and relaxation to your free time. Some hobbies that I’ve pursued in the past few years are making friendship bracelets, embroidery, cross-stitch, dot journaling, painting, calligraphy, making paper flowers, and photography. If you’re not into crafts, some other ideas: crossword puzzles, sports (either individually or with a team), book club, playing an instrument, volunteering, trivia, classic movies, or getting more involved in your community.
Finally, remember to let yourself be bad or mediocre at your hobby. Sorry to be all Your Mom’s Gruff New Boyfriend for a second, but we can’t all be winners—and a little low-stakes failure is good for ya! At the very least, being mediocre at your hobby won’t kill you.
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As I mentioned earlier, I believe that our habits are . . . kind of everything. Turns out, that’s not just true in a feelsy way; it’s also true in an etymological one.19 The word habit is rooted in the Latin word habitus, which refers to “condition, demeanor, appearance, dress”—so, your inner and outer states of being. Meanwhile, the related habitare is “to live, dwell; stay, remain.” And habitus is the past participle of habere: “to have, hold, possess; wear; find oneself, be situated; consider, think, reason, have in mind; manage, keep” . . . which, when you think about it, is kind of an amazing old-school definition of showing up for yourself every damn day.