The Art of Showing Up

Revisit the personal values you identified for yourself in Chapter 1. How do those shape what kind of friend you are? Also think about your strengths and weaknesses as a friend. Maybe you’re great at organizing and planning big group hangouts, or are the friend to call if someone needs help changing a tire, or packing boxes before a move, but are never available for spontaneous hangouts and take a week to text back. Figure out what makes you special and unique, what you’re not great at, and what, if anything, you want to improve or change going forward.

I find this exercise useful because humans are often bad at articulating why we like or dislike certain things. For example, most of us would probably say we want friends who are funny, right? But “funny” is subjective; what we mean is that we want friends who make us laugh, who share our sense of humor, and who like the same funny things we do. It’s helpful to dig into what, specifically, is your jam, so you can start to identify the people you’re likely to connect with a little quicker.

You may have heard the term “Dunbar’s number” thrown around in the context of friendship. This number—150—comes from Robin Dunbar, a professor of evolutionary psychology at Oxford. According to his research on brain size and social groups, humans can only handle roughly 150 casual friendships at a time, and most of us have between 100 and 300 friends in our social circles.

From there, our social circles tend to decrease in size by a factor of three, and the relationships become increasingly more intimate at these levels. So within that original 150, we’ll each have about 30 to 45 people we’d consider good friends (people you’d invite to a group dinner); 9 to 15 we consider close friends (people you can really confide in and turn to in times of need, and whose death, if it happened tomorrow, would seriously upset you); and roughly 3 to 5 people in our intimate support group. About 60 percent of our time and attention is spent on the 3 smallest groups (the 5/15/45).25

With this in mind, it’s worth considering whether you actually need more friends, or whether you need closer friends. If you already have fifteen or twenty good friends, it might make the most sense to deepen your relationships with those people instead of trying to meet an entirely new best friend. Of course, that won’t always be an option, especially if you’ve just moved or if your social network is on the small side. But it’s good to remember that casual friends can and do turn into best friends.

Regardless of how many friends researchers say you need or how many you currently have, my theory is that everyone needs one individual to fill the role of what I call your deep–shallow companion. This is the person who is willing to listen to you talk about the most humdrum shit about your day (aka your deep–shallow topics), pretty much every day (and then shares theirs in turn). They let you go on about the traffic you sat in, the errands you ran, the minutiae of your to-do list, or everything Sweetgreen did right or wrong with regard to your salad order. (My experiences with the Sweetgreen app are the epitome of deep–shallow talk.) Deep–shallow stories are both too boring and too complicated for most audiences. It’s not real drama but a five-act Shakespearean play, and it all took place in the self-checkout line at Target.

Deep–shallow is the height of intimacy demonstrated through extremely not-intimate conversational topics. It’s a bond and love that is so deeply rooted it can withstand this particular type of shallow conversation. Of course, most relationships include the occasional deep–shallow talk; sometimes, the first coworker pal you see when you walk into the office is gonna hear your terrible commute story, whether they like it or not. But your deep–shallow person is the one who you talk like this with daily. It’s a role often filled by a parent, sibling, or romantic partner because it requires so much love.

My suspicion is that a lot of loneliness stems from not having a deep–shallow companion. Which really sucks! Because if you try to make someone your deep–shallow person and they don’t want to be (perhaps because they already have a deep–shallow relationship, because it’s too early in the relationship, whatever), you probably won’t get the attention or enthusiasm you’re looking for, which just feels bad. It doesn’t mean they don’t want to be friends with you or that they don’t like you (truly!) . . . but it still stings. Deep–shallow conversations are often when we’re our most relaxed and uncensored and real selves; not having a deep–shallow person can lead to feeling very unseen and incredibly alone.

I share this not to call attention to something you feel sad about and can’t really fix, but because I know what it’s like not to have the words to explain this particular kind of intimacy or describe what it looks and feels like. Sure, you can’t conjure up a new deep–shallow companion overnight, but it’s helpful to be able to name what you’re looking for, and to understand what you’re missing if your deep–shallow person is no longer in your life.

From Broad City to Bill & Ted to The Baby-Sitters Club, there’s a well-established cultural narrative about what a best friend looks like. They are wise and funny, honest but always kind. They have known you since you were five years old and you talk every day. They do tequila shots with you after you get dumped and give a perfect toast at your wedding. They know all your secrets and also your mom. They are somehow always around when you are trying on clothes. They are one of the most important people in your life, and they always have your back.

If you don’t have the Hollywood version of a BFF, it’s easy to think there’s something wrong with you—that no one likes you, that you’re not capable of making close friends or maintaining friendships, that you’re all alone in this world.

I subscribe to the Mindy Kaling sentiment that “a best friend isn’t a person; it’s a tier.” Throughout my adult life, I’ve had (and have!) multiple best friends. Still, I’m not immune to the idea that I should have a singular best friend who also considers me their best friend. That idea is pervasive, and the pressure is real. But I’m beginning to realize that this best friend is, for a lot of people, a myth. Like, a best friend? In this economy???

I’m only sort of kidding. The world is changing in ways that make it incredibly hard to make or maintain a traditional best friendship. When you’re moving every few years or #hustling nonstop just to stay afloat, it’s difficult talk to your best friend every day and see them every weekend. And even if you live in the same city, well, people have lives! They have partners and families and demanding careers and clinical depression and not a lot of TME for brunching, shopping, or talking on the phone.

I think it’s important to remember that, despite the prevalence of the term “best friend,” there isn’t really a shared cultural definition for the term. If you’re basing your idea of best friendship on, say, talking intimately every day, and someone else thinks that “I’ve known her since I was five but we don’t actually talk or see each other very often” absolutely counts, then you might not realize that by their definition, you too may have a best friend. Even the idea of closeness in friendship is a moving target. For some people, a “close” friend might be any person they talk to frequently, even if the conversations aren’t that deep; others might only apply the term to a person they’re comfortable FaceTiming while on the toilet.

If you’re feeling like a loser for not having a best friend—whatever that term means to you—know that there is nothing wrong with you, and you’re definitely not the only one.

Once you’ve done the work to figure out what you’re looking for and what you have to offer, it’s time to get to work. Here are some tips for actually meeting the people who have new-friend potential.

If you’re trying to make new friends, it helps to frequent places where other people with similar interests are likely to be. When I first moved to Houston, I had the most luck taking classes at boutique workout studios and attending their workshops and social events; the smaller atmosphere made it easier to bond with other people there, and seeing the same people in certain classes each week made me feel more confident about striking up a conversation with them.

Are there any classes where your potential pals might be? Do any of your favorite brands do in-store events? Are you in any Facebook groups where local folks might be interested in meeting up in person? Does joining a social club or coworking space make sense for you? It might take some trial and error (and some time on Meetup.com—really!), but eventually, you’ll have that moment when you realize, “Oh! This is where my people are!”

When you frequent the same places or classes, people (including you) start to become familiar faces. And even though you don’t need that familiarity to start a conversation, it can definitely grease the wheels a bit, and give you the confidence to start chatting.

Related: Don’t feel weird mentioning that you’ve noticed someone a few times. First, they’ve likely noticed you, too. Second, noticing and remembering people is a perfectly normal thing to do!

Whether you’re just starting college or sending your third child off to grad school, it’s completely reasonable to want to make friends who are doing roughly the same things you are. And I don’t want to gloss over the importance of building a community around shared life experiences or identities—those commonalities really do matter. But we miss out on valuable relationships when we write people off for being, say, too old or too young, or for not being parents or not being students. These days, fewer of us are attending religious services, getting to know our neighbors, and engaging in civic activities, which means we have far less exposure to people at different life stages. But talking to people from different generations broadens our worldview and makes us kinder, smarter, and more empathetic.

These friendships are also just practical. For example, if you, a thirty-six-year-old parent, need a last-minute babysitter on a Saturday night, who are you going to call? Your thirty-five-year-old BFF with a newborn and a toddler and a super firm bedtime schedule? No—you’re going to call me, because I don’t have kids and I’d absolutely love to hold your baby! Or maybe you’ll call the person who has been an empty nester for years, or your twenty-three-year-old former intern. There’s a reason that for most of human history, humans have organized themselves in networks that include elders and youths, y’all. And even having a five- to ten-year age difference between you and a close friend can make your life feel significantly better and more complete.

I get why you’d prefer to connect with people primarily in cyberspace . . . but scrolling endlessly or putting most of your effort into online friendships drains time and energy and can sap your desire to connect with folks in meatspace. So as much as it pains me—an introvert who loves doing everything online—to admit it, you simply have to be willing to be on your phone a little bit less and in the real world a little bit more when you want to make new IRL friends.

If you’re trying to make friends in the wild, you really can’t just wait around for someone to talk to you. I mean you can—it’s your life—but it will be harder and take longer that way. I’m not a particularly outgoing person, but when I’m trying to make friends, I’ve realized I have to be, like, 15 percent more outgoing than my default setting.

Friendships often begin with good old-fashioned small talk. In Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Truly Connect with Others, and Make a Killer First Impression, Diane Weston writes that it’s a type of communication that “has evolved to turn people you don’t know into people you do. It turns a stranger into an acquaintance, and an acquaintance into a friend.”26 Which is true! We express (and learn) a lot more than we think during small talk—and even if we don’t, it’s still a very necessary step on the path to friendship!

Weston suggests using the acronym ARE to improve your small talk. Here’s how to put it into practice.

A—anchor. In this context, an anchor is about where you are and what is around you. So you might comment on the class you’re waiting for, the long line at the bar, the weather, the music, or the decor.

R—reveal. This is where you use the topic of the anchor to share something about yourself. You might say something like, “I always struggle to get to this class on time because I’m not a morning person.” Or, “I love this place; I’ve been coming here for the past year since I moved here.” Or, “I grew up in Michigan, but this weather is still too cold for me.”

E—encourage. This is where you invite the other person to talk, respond, or reveal something in turn, for example, “What did you think of last week’s assignment?” “Do you live around here?” or “Oh, when did you move to the East Coast?”

That’s not so hard, right? And once you’ve made that initial connection, conversation (and the beginning of a friendship) can flow from there. Maybe the conversation will continue. Perhaps it won’t—but then you’ll say hello and chat with them again the next time you see them. Maybe you’ll invite them to join your study group or they’ll ask if you’d like to join them at their table or whatever. And all you had to do was be friendly!

If you tend to have strong feelings about people’s taste in music, books, food, or TV, or care a lot about where people went to school or what town they are from, you’re going to miss out on a lot of amazing friend opportunities. Before you write people off because their tastes aren’t “impressive” by your standards, consider whether this is a deeper-rooted You Problem. One essay I read put it perfectly: “At the root of snobbery is a lack of imagination and confidence about how to decide who in the world is valuable.”27

On Names and Pronouns

If you don’t know how to pronounce someone’s name, say, “How do you pronounce your name?” If the name is hard to pronounce, learn how. Practice at home if you have to. I believe in you!
Check with people before you start calling them by a shortened version of their name. If someone has made clear they prefer their full name or don’t like the nickname you’re trying to give them, accept that and let it go. Calling someone by a nickname they dislike or don’t want to be called is disrespectful at best, and racist at worst.
Resist the urge to inquire about a name that seems unusual to you, especially if you’re just meeting someone. If their name is that unusual, it’s likely that the story behind it (or the lack thereof—sometimes, parents just choose names they like!) will come up in conversation at some point. And if it doesn’t come up, assume you don’t need to know. And in either case: Move on.
If you notice a mutual friend mispronouncing a friend’s name, correct that person. (“Oh, it’s actually Ay-vuh not Eee-vuh.”) Do this repeatedly if necessary.
Use people’s correct pronouns. If someone tells you they go by they/them, not he/him, then refer to that person as “they/them.” Do this all the time, even if the person isn’t present when you’re talking about them. (And don’t nitpick the use of the singular “they” in writing, for crying out loud.)
If someone is getting divorced, it’s OK to ask them what last name they’ll be using going forward. (Not the moment they tell you the news, of course . . . but it’s OK to ask before you, say, mail them an invitation or card.)
And it should go without saying, but . . . never mock someone’s name. It’s literally their name!!!

When you’re ready to take things to the next level, let your intentions be known.

I’ve found the easiest way to make friends is to tell people I’m trying to make friends. I also let my current friends/acquaintances know—because I’m definitely not opposed to a friend set-up when I’m looking for new pals. But if I meet someone new who I seem to click with, I’m very comfortable saying, “I’d love to hang out soon! I just moved here and haven’t met a lot of people yet!” or “We should get together some time! I’d really love to meet some new friends who are [in my industry/live around here/also parents/etc.]” There’s no shame in wanting or needing to make friends! It’s fine!!!

So many people will breathe a sigh of relief at that kind of statement, and confess that they too want to make new friends and have been struggling with it. (It’s also just practical when there’s any possibility that an invitation to hang out could be misconstrued as asking someone on a date. And on that note: Don’t casually use the word “date” in when you’re talking about friend hangouts, and don’t tell people you’re low-key interested in that you’re just trying to make new friends! It’s confusing!!!)

True story: I recently hosted a party and invited some potential new friends I’d met the week before at a trivia event, and, to my delight, they came! During the party, the trivia peeps were discussing some potential future hangouts and one woman said, “I mean, I’m pretty thirsty for new friends right now, so I’m down for any of these things!” Everyone immediately agreed, and the conversation shifted to how hard it is to make friends as an adult, while I secretly celebrated her statement. Inject that honesty, vulnerability, and real-world validation straight into my veins, baby!!!!!

Suggest specific friend date ideas and days/times—so you can really commit to making it happen.

Avoid a general, “We should get together some time!” and skip the generic “We should get coffee”—coffee hangouts have a way of getting rescheduled indefinitely and never get on the calendar at all. Instead, try to suggest something more specific.

“I’ve been dying to go to the new escape room that opened near the mall. Would you want to go with me sometime this month?”

“Did you see there is going to be a Beyoncé-themed cycling class next Wednesday? I’m planning to go if you’d like to join me.”

“Hi! Not sure how you feel about musicals but I’m dying to see the new Cats movie this weekend. Would you want to join me?”

And if you have your heart set on coffee, this too can be made more specific! “Have you been to Sweetener? It’s not too far from here, and they have the best lavender lattes. We should go after class next week!”

If a new friend invites you to their art showcase, recital, or house party, actually show up. Attending an event earns you friendship points regardless of where you are in the relationship, but I swear there’s some sort of gold star multiplier applied when you do it early on in the relationship. Everyone loves it. It’s an incredibly effective way to show interest and enthusiasm in the person, and to learn a little more about them.

The ideal conditions for making new friends? Casual, unstructured, repeated interactions. Think: shooting the shit, grabbing lunch or drinks, joking around after a class or meeting, and just chatting. If you’re a big planner like I am, you may find these unplanned interactions difficult. But at least try to be open to the idea, and maybe occasionally say yes when a surprise opportunity to hang out (or extend a hangout) arises. Go along with the group of coworkers who invited you to get lunch; say yes to the person who sends you the “I’m in your neighborhood, want to meet up?” text (or send one of your own); or let brunch flow into wandering through a bookstore and boutiques.

Yes, some friendships are immediate, but those are rare—most take time to really gel. One study suggests that casual friendships emerge after about 30 hours of interaction, and that good friendships can require around 140 hours—but there are a lot of factors that can influence these estimates, including the number of weeks that those hours are spread out across.28 And the way you spend those hours matters a lot (see the above point about the ideal conditions for making new friends). While you can try to create the right conditions and lean into these moments when they happen, you really can’t force or engineer them. Ultimately, making a new friend involves some luck and magic—it requires time and also good timing. So don’t get terribly discouraged if you’re meeting people you like but don’t have a new BFF just yet. You’ll get there.

It’s understandable to want to make new “close” friends, but casual friendships are still really valuable. According to sociologist Mark Granovetter, having “weak ties” (think: a friendly crossing guard you chat with regularly, someone you see at the park or gym several days each week) can boost your overall well-being, and make you feel less lonely and more connected to your community.29

Miriam Kirmayer, a therapist and friendship expert, says it’s in our best interest to cultivate these friendships at the places we frequent—so, work, your kids’ school, your place of worship, etc. “We can have friends or acquaintances in different contexts who add meaning to our lives in their own way,” Kirmayer told The New York Times. “We have an acquaintance at work that we connect and talk about work projects, or dog-walking friends. It helps to have these different kinds of people in our lives to add different kinds of support.”30

While I believe that making new friends is a worthwhile effort, it’s still a lot of effort, and, like anything else, your heart has to be in it. There have definitely been times in my life when I’ve felt outside pressure to make new friends, and it got under my skin in the same way it would if someone was constantly telling single me that I should find a partner. It’s OK to take a break or to deprioritize making friends for a little while. Making new friends—especially as an adult—is work.

So, you’ve met someone you want to be friends with, and you think they want to be friends with you, too. Great! You did it! This is so exciting! Here are some ways to tend to this new connection and help it grow into a long-lasting friendship where both of you prioritize showing up for each other.

Look, we’re all simple creatures: We just want people to care about us and think we’re interesting/special. And the entry-level way to communicate “You’re interesting and special!” is simply to pay attention. As Small Talk author Diane Weston explains it, “Whether you are talking to your partner or someone you’re standing next to in line, the thing that most people want is to be listened to. Not just tolerated.”

So, how to communicate that you’re doing more than just tolerating someone? Start with the basics: Make eye contact with them and don’t look at anything else, including your phone; listen to what they are saying (instead of thinking about what you are going to say in response); and respond in a way that shows you heard what they said.31 I know these seem fairly obvious, but it’s surprising(ish) how many people don’t bother to do them.

While not doing these basics will definitely communicate a lack of interest, the reverse isn’t necessarily true—that is, doing these things won’t guarantee that you’ll seem interested or that people will enjoy talking to you, especially if you’re only doing this because you know you’re “supposed to.” You can make unbreaking eye contact or ask all the follow-up questions in the world, but, in general, humans are able to intuit when someone is insincere or doesn’t really care about getting to know them.

The best way to show interest is to actually be interested. When you genuinely believe that other people are unique, special, and worthy of your time and attention, they’ll feel it.

Asking people about themselves is a fantastic way to show interest, but I get super-overwhelmed if a new friend hits me with one question after another, and I don’t think I’m the only one! Firing off a bunch of questions can also come across as impersonal. It’s important to process the other person’s answer, and respond to it (even briefly!) before hitting them with another question. Here are two versions of a new-friend interaction to illustrate the difference between a conversation and an interrogation.

Tyler: Oh, cool. So, how often does the work league practice and play actual games? Is it a big commitment?

Cam: It’s not too bad! We practice for an hour on Monday evenings and then we play on Wednesday evenings.

Cam: I don’t! I live in Burgerville, so I have a thirty-minute drive home from practice.

Tyler: Oh cool, that doesn’t sound like a huge commitment! My office’s team is super hardcore; they have two-hour practices three times a week, and then have games once a week.

Cam: Oh, yeah, I couldn’t deal with that. We play at Rust Park, which is near my office, so I can easily go after work, but I live out in Burgerville, so it’s kind of a trek—getting home takes me like thirty or forty minutes. Doing that more than twice a week would be way too much for me.

See the difference? In both interactions, Tyler is communicating interest by asking Cam questions, but in the second example, Cam actually has time to breathe, and is given an opportunity to help steer the conversation. While most folks do love talking about themselves, being asked a ton of questions can make them feel like they are being quizzed or interviewed, and can seem unnatural when compared to a true give-and-take conversation between individuals who are genuinely interested in getting to know each other.

People love sharing their opinions on everything from where to go on vacation to whether you should break up with your partner. So if you have a low-stakes dilemma or need suggestions, ask your new friends! This can be an especially useful if you’ve realized that you tend to interrogate people without meaning to, or if your new friends are on the introverted side.

On Touching

It’s a good idea to figure out your friends’ comfort levels with regard to physical touch early on. You shouldn’t assume that everyone appreciates hugs, pats, squeezes, and rubs—but don’t assume everyone hates them, either. Instead, start by paying attention to physical cues. Are their arms crossed/do they have their hands in their pockets? Or are they going for a handshake the second they approach you? Do they tense up when you accidentally brush up against them? Are they touchy with anyone?

If you’re a hugger and aren’t sure if they are, too, start with the basic request: “Can I give you a hug?” (I swear, this feels way more awkward in your head than it does IRL!) Or: “I’m a hugger; are you?” It’s not weird; it’s considerate.

If you have a habit of not being vulnerable or saying what you need, a new friendship can be an ideal opportunity to change that—because there’s no baggage or ten-year history that will make your setting a boundary come across as unusual or out of character. New friends will just assume you’re a confident person who is comfortable sharing your needs. (And if they react badly to this, that’s a sign that you may not want to be close friends with them.)

During your conversations, take note of the ways in which you’re alike and different.

As you’re getting to know people, it can be helpful to mentally note anything they say that communicates a way in which they differ from you—in their personality, tastes, beliefs, values, preferences, or priorities. Most of us take the “treat others as you’d like to be treated” rule to heart, which is a good thing . . . until you’re dealing with someone who is the complete opposite of you in a particular regard. In those instances, noticing the ways in which you’re different (or appear to be different, based on the information available to you) can help you communicate interest in a more meaningful way; plan hangouts they actually enjoy; say or do things that make them feel more comfortable; and not take it personally if they don’t respond to an idea, suggestion, topic, or situation with the same enthusiasm (or outrage!) that you would.

For example, let’s say they casually mention—at different points across conversations—that they are introverted, nonreligious, and don’t talk to their parents or siblings all that much. Meanwhile, you are a huge extrovert who calls their sister every day and never misses church followed by Sunday dinner at your mom’s house. This divergence doesn’t mean you can’t be friends! It just means that when your niece’s baptism rolls around and your family is planning a party for two hundred to celebrate it, you can couch the invite to your friend in the context of, “I totally understand this might not be your thing so feel free to say no, but I still wanted to invite you because we’d love to have you there!”

If you’re worried about coming on too strong to new friends, it can be helpful to ask yourself if you’re interested in your potential new friends as people, or as potential new friends. It’s a small distinction, but it really matters. A potential new friend is someone who appears to be sort of . . . your-friend-shaped. They might enjoy many of the TV shows or musicians that are popular with people your age, or, say, appreciate the same types of memes that you do. Great! That’s a good starting place! But when you’re interested in someone as a person, you’ll go beyond those shared interests and identify the qualities or characteristics that are uniquely them that you genuinely like and appreciate.

So, if you’re interested in someone as a potential new friend, you might notice that you both like The Real Housewives. But then let’s say you also notice that this person is an extroverted trivia buff who remembers everyone’s birthday and is obsessed with Shrek memes. And even though none of your current friends are obsessed with Shrek memes, and “likes Shrek memes” isn’t a quality you tend to seek out in new friends, you actually really like this about them—especially when coupled with their other personality traits and the interests you have in common. That is starting to like someone as a person.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with liking everyone as a potential new friend at first—that’s how making friends begins! But it causes problems when you find yourself collecting potential new friends, and treating them as interchangeable. At that point, it’s less about genuinely connecting with people and more about fitting them into the role of Friend that you’re trying to cast—which is something folks tend to pick up on and don’t respond well to. If you regularly find yourself getting super invested in people you only know on that potential new-friend level, or sending the exact same messages, invitations, life updates, and “This made me think of you!” links to all of your potential new friends, you might be falling into this trap and need to readjust.

Your new friends are people—but your new friends are also just people. When you’re stressed about striking up a conversation, asking them to hang out, or going to their house party, remember this. They are human beings who are probably just as nervous and uncertain as you are. I’m realizing that so much of being a person in the world is believing that you’re the aberration—that everyone except you has it all figured out; that they all have access to something you don’t; that you’re broken and in need of fixing. But you’re not insufficient; you’re good. We’re all good.