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Chapter 8

The Art of Noticing

Being noticed feels good. Think about a time when someone remembered your favorite color; referenced a joke you’d made earlier; followed up on something minor you mentioned the last time you saw them; or complimented you on a seemingly tiny detail that you put a ton of thought into. It’s thrilling, right? Being noticed can genuinely make someone’s day, foster warmth and positivity, and turn casual pals into close friends.

Noticing isn’t about obsessively reading into every little thing someone does; it’s about learning to really see people—their values, behaviors, preferences, emotions, needs, boundaries, experiences—and being able to recall what you saw. When you follow noticing with processing (the second step of showing up), you can start to pick up on patterns, which can tell you a much bigger story about a person or situation. Together, noticing and processing set the stage for naming and responding—using what you’ve gathered to honor, validate, and take action.

One of the definitions of “notice” is “to treat with attention,” which I love. It is a treat! It’s exuberant, joyful, generous curiosity, and it’s at the heart of showing up.

How to Notice Everything (Or Just . . . More Things)

Being good at noticing doesn’t mean becoming some kind of observational savant with a photographic memory. It’s mostly about knowing what to notice and making a point to notice.

Noticing starts with mindfulness.

If you want to get better at noticing, start by being fully present. Instead of getting lost in thought, aim to fully engage with what is happening in front of and around you. The goal is to be a little more aware of what you’re seeing, hearing, and feeling.

If you’re struggling to understand mindfulness, Susan David makes a suggestion in Emotional Agility that I found helpful; she recommends making sense of mindfulness by looking at its opposite: mindlessness. Mindlessness is, she writes, “the state of unawareness and autopilot. You’re not really present. Instead you’re relying too heavily on rigid rules or shopworn distinctions that haven’t been thought through.”35 Mindlessness can look like entering a room and not being able to remember why you did, forgetting someone’s name as soon as you hear it, and not being able to remember if you locked your door when you left your home a minute earlier. Mindfulness, on the other hand, means attending to what’s happening and really taking it in.

I’ve found that embracing mindfulness takes commitment and practice—and a willingness to put down your phone. Meditation, spending time in nature, and monotasking helped me the most. But from there, it’s about just doing the thing. If you want to be more mindful in your friendships, try this exercise: Aim to observe one new detail every time you hang out with a friend. It could be the shape of their nails, where they part their hair, a word they use a lot, or something about their values or preferences. (But don’t comment on what you notice! Just quietly observe.)

Know what you’re looking for.

The point of noticing is to better understand who your people are and what they need. That means being able to identify things like . . .

If you think you could stand to get better at picking up on the above, here are some high-level tips to keep in mind.

  1. Notice what people say. Sometimes, noticing is fairly easy—because people will just tell you. Make a point to notice words that explicitly tell you who they are (“I’m from Michigan,” “My birthday is in August”); what they are feeling (“I’m upset,” “I’m hurt,” “I’m stressed”); and their preferences (“No, thank you,” “I love green”). Also take note of any topics they seem to have very strong feelings about or be well-versed in. If someone perks up at the mention of musicals or has a lot to say when a certain political subject comes up, it might be because this is very much Their Thing, or because it relates to their identity in a meaningful way.
  2. Notice how they say it. Mood and tone communicate a lot, so make sure to note how people are communicating. Flat, one-word responses (“Ugh,” “Hmm,” and “Sure”) can mean a person is not interested or enthusiastic and is trying to communicate that while still being nice. And if someone says, “I’m fine,” sarcastically, they are . . . maybe not fine?
  3. Notice what they do. To get to know your people better, make a point to notice their daily/weekly routines—the days they work out, their preferred routes, the shows they watch without fail, their favorite way to spend a Saturday. This can reveal basic details and tastes, but also their priorities and values. For example, if they often mention commitments at their place of worship, seeing the same friends every weekend, cooking every evening, or going to the gym every morning, that gives you a sense of who and what is important to them.
  4. Notice what they don’t say and don’t do. If a friend never drinks alcohol, swears, eats meat, or responds to texts in a timely manner, that’s very good information to have! At a basic level, it means that adding them to a group text about your upcoming “Fuck Yeah, Beer and Bacon” party is probably not going to make them feel terribly seen. But on a more serious note, if there’s a topic that people never seem to talk about, or stay quiet about when other people are enthusiastically discussing it, there may be a reason. Observing this isn’t license to pry; it’s just good to be aware of the tender spots. For example, if a friend never talks about their family, it may be because there’s a strained relationship there. So instead of, say, barraging them with questions about their Thanksgiving plans, you might go with a more low-key, “What are you up to over the long weekend?”
  5. Notice how people look. This isn’t about creepily ogling people’s bodies; it’s about paying attention to their physical presentation. You might observe what colors/styles of clothing they are wearing, if their clothes are clean/neat/well-fitting, whether they are wearing any accessories (glasses, slip-on shoes, earrings, a wristwatch), how they’ve done their hair, or the presence/style of makeup. You don’t need to comment on it (be cool, guys!!!); it’s all just data that that may tell you a story at some point.

You don’t have to do everything on this list, and you certainly don’t have to do it for every friend, all the time. The point is just to have an idea of what noticing can look and feel like and to practice it regularly, until eventually it becomes second nature.

How to Remember Everything (Or Just . . . More Things)

Once you’ve started noticing things, you’ll need to remember them later—which might not be as hard as you think! Joshua Foer, science journalist and author of Moonwalking with Einstein—oh, and the winner of the 2006 USA Memory Championship—has said that people with the “best” memories don’t have an innate skill; they just really care about remembering information. According to Foer:

Great memories are learned. At the most basic level, we remember when we pay attention. We remember when we are deeply engaged. We remember when we are able to take a piece of information and experience, and figure out why it is meaningful to us, why it is significant, why it’s colorful, when we’re able to transform it in some way that makes sense in the light of all of the other things floating around in our minds.36

If you want to get better at storing and recalling important little details about your people, here are some practical tips to try.

Tell someone about it.

Recounting information to other people is a great study trick, and it works here, too. Obviously you shouldn’t recap your friends’ personal business to others, but repeating small details—like their spouse’s name, how many kids they have, their hometown, and so on—to your roommate or spouse when you get home from your hangout will help you remember it.

Put their birthday and other meaningful days in their life (wedding anniversary, kids’ birthdays) on your calendar.

Don’t rely on Facebook to tell you when their birthday is; write it down somewhere!

Bonus tip: Make note of any dates that are tied to grief. If it’s a closer friend, you might want to reach out on those tough anniversaries and let them know you are thinking of them. And regardless, it’s helpful to know when those dates are approaching. You can keep an eye on your friend’s overall well-being and be ready to offer a little extra attention and support.

Borrow a cute idea from the Dutch and get a birthday calendar.

Unlike a traditional calendar, a birthday calendar doesn’t have the days of the week on it so it can be used in perpetuity. The idea is that you write important dates on it and use it year after year. Apparently you’re supposed to hang it in your bathroom, but really, any spot in your home that you frequent is probably fine. (If you search Etsy for “perpetual calendar” or “birthday calendar,” you’ll find several options.)

Utilize the “notes” section of their contact card in your phone.

notes-section

This is a great spot to record details like their favorite color, the names of their seventeen nieces and nephews, birthday gifts they’d like, etc. You can also write this info in one of the thirty pretty notebooks you bought but now don’t know what to do with. An encyclopedia of friends!

Ultimately, you should find a technique that works for you; the “best” option is the one that you’ll actually use. Or perhaps the best move is simply deciding that remembering information about other people and their lives is important.

Spotting Red Flags and Warning Signs

If you’re interested in really showing up for other people, it’s worthwhile to familiarize yourself with common warning signs that a person is struggling. This is the whole point of noticing and processing—ideally, you’ll be able to identify patterns, recognize what those patterns might mean, and respond appropriately.

Of course, every situation is different, and the ways that, say, an eating disorder manifests can be quite different from the way postpartum depression presents. But many bad circumstances do share common symptoms, and not all of them are obvious or widely known.

To be clear, none of the behaviors below calls for an intervention. But they can begin to tell you a story, especially when you notice several of them, or when they are coupled with other behaviors that ping as unusual or strange or off.

Mental/behavioral

Physical

Habits

If the red flags are piling up, it might be worth having a conversation about that; we’ll cover the responding aspect of this in Chapter 9.

Noticing That Someone Might Need Immediate Medical Attention

We’ve all heard stories of people who have experienced a major illness or injury but told themselves they were fine and didn’t need to go to the doctor . . . until another person insisted they get help, thus saving their life (or significantly improving the outcome). This is showing up for someone in a profound way, and while I hope none of us ever has to be that person, I also hope that we are all equipped to do it should that day come. Along with being able to recognize signs of emotional problems, you should also get familiar with the signs that a person is in trouble physically and needs medical attention ASAP.

Signs of alcohol poisoning

Signs of a drug overdose

Signs of a heart attack

Signs of traumatic brain injury

Signs of a stroke

The American Stroke Association uses the acronym FAST to help people remember the signs of a stroke.

Face drooping

Arm weakness

Speech (slurred, or just trouble speaking)

Time to call 9-1-1 (for any of these symptoms, even if they go away)

So, some common themes here, right? Headaches, confusion, dizziness, difficulty breathing, difficulty talking, loss of consciousness, bad coordination, and extreme fatigue or weakness are . . . not great! Take this shit seriously, whether it’s happening to you or someone you care about.

The Importance of Patterns

Once you’ve noticed something (words, reactions, an emotional or physical state), the next steps are processing and naming. Processing is using the knowledge you already have—about the other person, about certain behaviors, etc.—to analyze what you’ve just noticed. Naming is identifying the “what’s really going on here”—the behavior, the need, the narrative of what actually happened—and recognizing its legitimacy. Naming might happen in your head (“This person seems insecure”) or out loud (“What you’re describing sounds really scary”). Naming is how life experiences begin to take shape and make sense, and can be a way to validate others and help them feel supported. (By the way, noticing, processing, and naming often happen quickly and almost simultaneously.)

The goal of noticing, processing, and naming is to spot patterns. (This applies to showing up for yourself, too.) Recognizing patterns will help you fully understand and see people, and get a sense of their baseline, everyday self. Once you know what your people are like when they are content or happy or “normal,” it’ll be easier to recognize when something is off, and to respond appropriately. (Remember, responding is the final step of showing up.) For example, if your friend who has faithfully gone to spin class three mornings a week for years and eschews alcohol is suddenly drinking heavily and skipping their morning workouts, you might decide to reach out and ask them how they are doing. But patterns aren’t just valuable when times are bad. Observing that someone loves a certain type of trivia or joke format might give you a new way to connect with them or make them laugh or give them a gift. It’s also just practical. If you notice that your friend values going to bed early or spends every Sunday with their parents, that might inform when you call/text them or plan hangouts.

If you’re trying to show up for people, observing patterns will take you far—maybe farther than anything else in this book. The more your words and actions are rooted in who they are and what they need, the more seen, known, and loved they’ll feel.