Chapter 9

When They’re Going Through Hard Shit

T he thing about life is that while it is great, it’s also terrible and unfair and cruel. If you’re lucky enough to have avoided trauma and tragedy in your social circles until now, I’m sorry to say that it won’t stay this way forever, and the best you can do is prepare. It’s sort of like living in hurricane or earthquake country, or even flying on a plane—you can hope disaster doesn’t befall you, but you should also have a working knowledge of what to do if it does.

When a friend is going through a hard time, you likely won’t be able to make the situation better. But you can help them survive. You can honor and validate their loss; bear witness to their experiences and pain; let them know that they are cared about and valued; and remind them that they are not alone. And you can not make things worse. (A lot of the advice in this chapter is rooted in that humble goal!) Even if you can’t make the situation better for your friend, you may be able to make them feel a little less bad.

But! Before you can do even that, there are a couple of “showing up for yourself” principles that are important to keep in mind.

First, know that showing up for others might make you feel quite vulnerable. Because even though it’s ostensibly something you do for other people, it can still feel risky! No one wants to look foolish or come across as lacking self-awareness. There have been times when I’ve considered showing up for someone in a small way and then balked—because I was afraid of looking like I didn’t understand the relationship, or of misreading my own ability to make someone feel better. My thought process was basically, “Who am I to send this person a SYMPATHY CARD?” which is completely at odds with my own well-established beliefs about sympathy cards and grief! I don’t know how to explain it; I just lost my nerve! I really regret not reaching out in those moments, and now I try to push through my fear and trust that doing something gentle and small is better than doing nothing. Taking that risk is what showing up for others is all about.

Second, you should only give what you actually have. When a person you care about is struggling, of course you want to do everything you can to make them feel better. But first, stop and think about what you specifically can truly offer in this moment. You shouldn’t go into debt (emotional or financial) when you’re showing up for someone else. (And really, the other person probably doesn’t want you to do that.) Give what you have, and trust that that will be enough.

Showing Up in Hard Times: The Basics

Being equipped to show up for others means knowing the basic responses and etiquette that apply in most difficult situations. (We’ll get into how best to respond to specific big common events here.) Regardless of what the person is going through, the following tips are a good place to start.

Keep your focus on them.

When listening to a friend in need, it’s crucial to actually listen. That means listening to hear, not listening to respond. It’s not that sharing your thoughts isn’t helpful; it’s just that it’s so easy to dominate the conversation without even realizing it. And what feels like being empathetic to you might feel like being silenced to them.

In We Need To Talk, Celeste Headlee cites sociologist Charles Derber’s description of two types of responses that exist in conversations: the shift response and the support response. The shift response draws attention to you; the support response keeps attention on the other person.37 Here’s what the two responses might look like in practice.

The shift response

Friend: I’m so exhausted all the time.

You: Ugh, me too. I haven’t been sleeping well at all lately.

The support response

Friend: I’m so exhausted all the time.

You: Oh? Are you not sleeping well lately, or do you think there’s some other cause?

Offering more support responses and fewer shift responses is a good conversational habit in general, but it’s especially wise to be conscious of this when your friend is going through a tough time.

Resist the urge to say, “I understand,” or to share your version of a similar-seeming experience.

It can be really difficult not to jump in with your own stories, particularly if the person is going through something fairly unique, or if you’re genuinely trying to demonstrate that you get it. But try to pump the breaks. In your attempt to empathize, you run the risk of totally missing the mark and, say, equating the death of their child with the death of your pet goldfish.

If you are confident you’ve had a similar experience that they might want to hear about, maybe say something like this: “I lost my mom to cancer when I was fifteen, and while I know I’ll never understand how you feel right now, I am here if you ever want to talk about losing a parent.” The key is to let them decide if the experiences are similar enough to bond over, and to frame it as “this is something we can talk about later” instead of derailing the current conversation to talk your experience.

When in doubt, ask.

It’s truly OK not to know what to say or do in response to a friend’s terrible situation. They might not even know what they want you to say or do. So if you’re not sure, ask. Here are some questions that you might want to ask in these moments.

“How can I best support you right now?”

This is my all-time favorite question when a friend is dealing with something difficult (or is simply stressed out). I like it because it communicates “I am here for you” while also saying “and I care about you enough to get this right.” It acknowledges that everyone is different and invites the individual to tell you what they need from you personally. It also shows humility; when you ask this question, you communicate “I don’t necessarily know best, and I’m open to feedback.” Finally, it gives them an opening to subtly steer you away from any of your default responses that aren’t going to be helpful to them at the moment (e.g., they can say “I need you to be my rock” if they know you tend to get really emotional).

“What are you in the mood for right now?”

This question gives your friend permission to set the tone of the conversation or hangout, and gives them the gift of control. They may not realize that they get to have a say in how they cope, so let them know that you’re here for them whether they’re in the mood to talk, laugh, cry, yell, vent, scream, do research, be cheered up, be sad, continue on with your original plans, get a manicure, pretend this isn’t happening, or whatever.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

This is my go-to response immediately after a person has told me something shitty that just happened to them. What I’m really saying is, “This sounds bad. I’m here for you, but I’m going to make sure a conversation with me is what you want/need right now before I launch into it.” Occasionally when I do this, the person will realize they actually don’t want to talk about it, or will say they want to talk about it at some point later, but for now, they’d prefer to stay focused on the task at hand. Which: great! I’d rather give them a moment to think about what they really want to do instead of replying in a way that gets them all fired up and emotional before they even realize what is happening.

“Oh, gosh; how are you feeling about it?” or “Oh! How are you feeling about it?”

I say this when I need a liiiitle more information. A lot of people (myself included!) have a habit of telling others what happened but forget to say how they feel about what happened. I don’t want to be the friend who says “Oh no!” in response to a wanted pregnancy, or who mistakes a demotion at work for exciting job news. I’d prefer not to take the risk when it’s so easy to do a quick check-in before I start emoting.

“Do you want my thoughts/advice on this, or do you just want to vent? I’m totally here for you either way.”

This is a good option if your friend isn’t telling you what they need from you in this moment, or if you tend to be a fixer and advice giver.

“How are you doing/feeling today?”

This question acknowledges that bad times aren’t static; a lot can change on a daily, weekly, or even hourly basis. It also lets people decide to tell you about their morning instead of, you know, the past three months of hell they’ve been going through.

“Are you OK to keep talking about this, or would you like a break?”

Remember the forty-five-minute rule from Chapter 5? This is how it looks when you’re on the other side of it! I keep this one in mind when my friend and I are having a particularly heavy conversation and the friend is visibly distraught or drained. Note: This is not something you should say to hint that you’d like to wrap up the conversation; if you’re getting tired or burned out, it’s best to skip this question entirely. Only ask this if it’s coming from a place of genuine care.

“Would you prefer to be alone right now or would you like some company?”

When you’re with someone who has just received very bad news, who is super emotional, or who is about to have a tough conversation with a third party (like, say, a doctor, lawyer, or detective), it’s reasonable to default to doing what you would want a friend to do in that moment. So if you’d hate to be left alone while weeping, you’ll probably assume your friend wants you to stay while they cry. And if you can’t imagine letting a friend listen in while you receive test results from your doctor, you may bounce the moment their provider appears. This is the right instinct, but if you guess wrong, the other person might feel worse. So just ask what they’d prefer, and then do exactly what they say they want.

Go easy on the fact-finding questions.

In There Is No Good Card for This, Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell point out that asking too many clarifying questions can actually get in the way of sharing. “Fact-finding questions can divert the conversation away from what a person really wants to talk about to what the asking person wants to know,” they say, “and fact-finding conversations create a detached, clinical portrayal of the problem rather than an emotional one. Getting the facts can be important to your helping in the long term, but you don’t usually need a lot of specific facts to comfort someone.”38 That last part is key—remember that this conversation is about how they are feeling, not the minor details of what happened.

Know that there’s no shame in a genuine “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry” is such a well-established Thing to Say When Things Are Bad, you might feel like it’s lost all meaning or want to come up with something more inspired. But really, there’s no need! If you want “I’m so sorry” to have meaning, just make sure you say it with meaning. There’s a huge difference between offering a robotic “I’m sorry for your loss” before you’ve even had time to process the news, and a sincere, genuine, “Oh, friend, I’m so sorry.”

Clichés to Avoid

“Everything happens for a reason” or “God has a plan.”

You may genuinely believe this, but many people don’t find comfort in these types of expressions. In fact, people can find them infuriating.

“It’s probably for the best.”

Is it for the best that your friend found out their dirtbag spouse was cheating on them before they had a kid with the person? I mean, yes, technically, it is. Is that the thing they want to hear in that moment? It is not!

“I don’t know what I’d do if this happened to me.”

People say this in an attempt to empathize and communicate, “This is bad but you’re dealing with it pretty gracefully.” But it comes across as out-of-touch—especially if the person feels like they aren’t handling it too well or has no choice but to keep it together.

“You’re strong . . . I know you’ll get through this.”

This is often said with the best of intentions, but when someone feels utterly broken, being told they’re strong isn’t necessarily helpful and can actually leave them feeling less seen and understood. So instead, give them the space to be soft. “Friend, I have so much faith in you, but this is really terrible/sad/overwhelming, and you’re allowed to feel terrible/sad/overwhelmed for a while.”

Let people be “frivolous.”

In her excellent memoir We’re Going to Need More Wine, Gabrielle Union describes the heartbreaking process of losing her best friend Sookie to cancer. Union shares an anecdote from when Sookie was on her deathbed, surrounded by family and friends, that has stuck with me:

What I loved most was when she said out of nowhere, “Will somebody go and get me some hair removal cream?” A side effect of one of her meds was hair growth, and she was getting a mustache. Her sisters were trying to make her feel as pretty as possible. I was ready to have deep conversations about life and death, but she wanted nothing to do with that. So I gave up control and allowed Sook to lead me. “I want to talk about the Kardashians,” she said. That was Sook, a girls’ girl to the end.

When people are going through a tough time, they often just want to feel normal and like themselves. And if illness or tragedy has altered their appearance or dealt a blow to their self-confidence, they might just really want a manicure, or a blowout, or someone to pencil in their eyebrows for them. So follow their lead, and don’t force them to be “serious” if what they really need is a friend to make them feel like their old self.

Remember that “good” times can also be bad times.

While most of us are aware that we need to show up for people during a well-established bad time (like after a big loss), we often overlook the “good” times that might present unexpected challenges for the folks in our lives. But feeling like you can’t talk to anyone when you’re struggling with good news or a seemingly happy event is incredibly isolating; as friends, we can easily help remedy this. Here are some situations in which you may want to probe a little to see how a friend is feeling about their “good” news.

• Getting accepted to college
• Getting a promotion or landing a dream job
• Getting engaged or married
• Having their partner or family member experience a big success moment
• Having a child
• Buying a home
• Having their health improve in a significant way
• Getting a financial windfall

In these moments, “How are you feeling about everything?” is a simple but powerful question; it gives your friend permission to name and share negative feelings during a seemingly happy time. And even if they are feeling great about the event, being asked is still affirming.

Embrace ring theory.

Ring theory is the brainchild of clinical psychologist Susan Silk and arbitrator and author Barry Goldman. Here’s how they describe it.

Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma. For Katie’s aneurysm, that’s Katie. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma. In the case of Katie’s aneurysm, that was Katie’s husband, Pat. Repeat the process as many times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones. When you are done you have a Kvetching Order.

Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, “Life is unfair” and “Why me?” That’s the one payoff for being in the center ring. Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.39

The TL;DR? Comfort in, dump out. When your friend is dealing with something difficult, they shouldn’t ever feel like they need to make you feel better about their situation.

I’m a big fan of ring theory but would be remiss if I didn’t add this caveat: Only dump out what you have permission to dump out. More than once, I’ve had a close friend get so emotional about a terrible situation I was experiencing that they felt like they had to talk about it with some of their other friends. While this was the right idea, it was a huge violation of trust because I hadn’t given them permission to share that information with anyone, let alone the people in the bigger circles. It taught me that we should always get permission before sharing our feelings about someone else’s trauma with others—because even if I believe I’m just processing my own feelings and reactions to the situation, and even if I’m doing it with the best intentions, the person whose story I’m sharing might feel very, very different. So before you dump out, double check that talking to someone in an outer circle is OK with your friend.

Try not to foist or fret.

In There Is No Good Card for This, Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell write about “chronic helpers,” aka folks who “might be looking to use someone else’s needy situation to improve their self-worth.”40 Chronic helpers tend to do one of two things: foist or fret.

Foisters push themselves onto the person who is struggling, offering a lot of advice and unappreciated overtures; they are more concerned about their own opinions and agendas than the person who is hurting. Fretters anxiously react with extreme neediness to someone going through a difficult time; they are likely to ask a lot of questions about what they should be doing to help and need a ton of reassurance that they’re doing a good job.

If you have either of these tendencies or have done this in the past, don’t panic! Both are really common, especially if you are a good person who cares about supporting your friends (hello, everyone reading this book). It’s just good to be aware of these behaviors, so if you do catch yourself foisting or fretting, you can take a step back.

Don’t judge.

When someone is vulnerable with you, responding with contempt, disapproval, or judgment can affect their willingness to open up to people (not just you!) for years. It’s especially important to keep judgment in check if the person is sharing something particularly private, or that is a source of shame for a lot of people. (Think: sex, adultery, money/debt, being caught cheating or lying, getting fired, committing a crime/getting in trouble with the law.) Regardless of the topic, you can usually tell if someone is feeling shame or guilt by their tone, facial expressions, and body language. As soon as you notice it, that’s your cue to shift into neutral.

Non-judgmental listening is, in part, about your face; if you side-eye or grimace in response to what the person is sharing, they are going to notice and feel bad. But it’s really about your heart. The simplest way to not come across as judgmental when people are opening up to you is to not judge them. If you’re prone to judginess, consider spending more time engaging with people, places, traditions, cultures, and ideas that are outside your current set of experiences. The more you hear or read about new-to-you experiences firsthand, the less shocking human behavior becomes, and the easier it is to react calmly and offer compassion to the people in a particular situation. (It might sound silly, but reading advice columns and the r/relationships subreddit is a great way to start doing this.)

That said, if you do mess up and react badly in the moment, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world! Just own your mistake and offer a genuine and heartfelt apology.

Try not to police their coping mechanisms.

Since you’re now in the habit of noticing, you might observe that your friend seems to be acting out of character following a big loss. But . . . of course they aren’t acting “normal!” Their life isn’t normal right now!! Yes, you should probably intervene if they are about to do something really dangerous, and you can gently mention it if the behavior has gone on for an extended period of time (like we covered in the previous chapter). But if they are just kind of wilding out? Resist the urge to judge, and try to remember that some unusual behavior is pretty common following a big loss.

Give the gift of privacy.

I process grief like a cat that’s about to die; I prefer to quietly drag myself to a private spot and come undone in solitude. I know I’m not the only one who doesn’t want to process my feelings in, say, the checkout line at the supermarket, so I think it’s best to err on the side of caution when offering support and comfort. This could mean mailing a sympathy card or bouquet to a person’s home instead of leaving it on their desk at work, or emailing them to tell them how sorry you are about their loss instead of texting them. It’s also about reading their cues and body language; if you ask how they are doing when you run into them at the gym and they look uncomfortable or attempt to change the subject, assume that this isn’t the best time/place.

If you’re worried about seeming insensitive or out-of-touch, you can say something like, “It’s so good to see you—I’ve been thinking about you a lot in the past few weeks.” That communicates, “I’m aware you’re going through some shit right now, I care about how you’re doing, and I’m here to talk if you’d like to” without pressuring them to open up in that moment.

Remember: Just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s not the worst thing in the world to this person.

In your effort to make your friend feel less alone, you might be tempted to whip out some statistics that demonstrate exactly how normal their experience is. This isn’t always a bad thing; knowing that, say, a lot of pregnancies end in miscarriage can be really comforting when you’re feeling isolated and ashamed about the loss of your pregnancy. But it can also slide into dismissive or unhelpful territory very quickly. I promise that your friend who is getting divorced knows the stats about divorce and doesn’t need to hear them right now.

Focus on the food.

If your friend is struggling, ask them if they are eating and/or remind them to eat. Tragedy, trauma, and illness can wreak havoc on eating habits, and your friend genuinely may not realize they haven’t eaten all day. If they are having trouble nourishing themselves, you can offer to bring them dinner (or just a smoothie); have takeout delivered; drop off some groceries (or arrange delivery); and/or organize a meal train.

Good Gifts That Aren’t Flowers

If you want to send a person who is experiencing a loss a little gift, here are some of my favorite options.

A puzzle

The process of literally putting something back together when your life is falling apart is incredibly healing. (Bonus: It’s a relatively cheap gift.) And if you’re more of a traditionalist when it comes to sympathy gifts, you can select a puzzle that depicts flowers.

An enamel pin or button

I love a good, on-brand pin! It’s especially nice if the person needs a consistent pick-me-up or reminder that they’re not alone. Every time they put it on (or glance at it in their bedside dish) they’ll think of you cheering them on.

Bedding

Linens are comforting, practical, and beautiful. If your friend is going to be spending a lot of time in bed grieving or recovering, a cozy throw blanket, cushy pillow, or even a set of crisp new sheets might be the perfect thing.

Art

A small painting, drawing, or sculpture, or a beautiful object for their garden (like a birdbath) can be a really thoughtful way to honor a loss.

Share the context or inspiration behind your gesture.

If you’re going to get creative with your support, consider sharing what inspired it, like so: “After my sister got laid off, she told me that learning to knit helped her feel creative and productive and less bored during those first couple months. So I thought this knitting kit might be comforting to you right now. But if that’s not your thing at all, feel free to regift without regret!” That way, if it, uhhhhhh, doesn’t quite land (or it’s not totally obvious why you chose this gift) they’ll at least understand where you were coming from and have a better sense of your intent. They also might be more likely to engage with it if they know that someone else in a similar circumstance found it helpful.

If you do something nice, don’t expect a response or a thank-you message.

I respect the importance of thank-you notes, but all bets are off when a person is in crisis. If you give someone a gift in terrible circumstances, do so with the knowledge that it might go “unnoticed.” They might not have the bandwidth to thank you or send a card . . . and then a lot of time might pass and they’ll either forget or feel too embarrassed to do so. Don’t take it personally. (I actually recommend adding “no need to respond” or “no need to thank me” to the card accompanying the gift to free them of this burden.) And by the way, if you were the receiver of such a gift and are feeling guilty about not acknowledging it at the time, 1) let it go and move on with your life, or 2) just thank them now!

Keep inviting them to social events . . . but always give them an out.

Sure, a person might want to hunker down while they are going through a tough time, but they also might want a little fun and distraction. Rather than assume they are super fragile, go ahead and (gently!) invite them to a game night or house party or brunch. “I know you haven’t been in the mood lately, but I still wanted to ask.” “I know you might not be up for it, but I wanted to make sure you know you are welcome.” As my colleague Anna Borges has written, a lot of folks worry that saying no a few times will mean they are never invited again, so try to assuage that fear. And if they are continuously saying no to your invites, you can always ask them—in an open, relaxed way—if there’s something that would make it easier for them to hang out. See if they’d like some company while they do chores or run errands, or if they just want to talk about their situation.

Don’t put a moratorium on all good news.

In past few years, I noticed something curious among my friends: A handful of people mentioned to me that a respective friend was really struggling, so they decided to share some positive personal news—because it seemed like their friend really needed to hear it. I didn’t understand it (or, frankly, believe it) until a few months later when I had coffee with a friend who was feeling really bummed out about work. She was so down, and it was just so evident that she was hoping I had something fun or exciting to talk about. I could tell she didn’t want commiseration, or even to talk about her own problems at length; she wanted to hear something genuinely positive from me. Suddenly, the feeling my friends had been describing made perfect sense.

Of course, telling a friend in a bad spot about your win requires a delicate touch and should be done very thoughtfully, especially if it’s in the same realm as their bad news. But! It’s worth remembering that good news is, well, good, and your happy story can provide a genuine flicker of hope, joy, and positivity during a friend’s season of darkness and despair.

Keep an eye on whether or not they are spending time with other people.

Social isolation is a very real problem and isn’t always obvious if you aren’t looking for it. So be on the lookout for mentions of socializing, and find occasions to gently ask: “Have you seen your parents much lately?” “How’s [sibling] doing these days?” “Have you been able to visit with [best friend] lately?” “Are you still going to trivia these days?” “What did you get up to this weekend?” And, if things are pretty dire: “Have you left the house today?”

After a big crisis or just a big life change, set reminders to check in with the person periodically.

Those follow-ups mean a lot, and even if the friend doesn’t need any support the first four times you ask, they’ll know exactly who to call when they do. And don’t assume you’re off the hook just because someone seems to be doing better. According to therapist Andrea Bonior, there can actually be a higher at risk when they appear to be bouncing back.41

Reaching Out to an Old Friend During a Crisis

If you and a friend have fallen out of touch, you might feel conflicted about what to do if you learn through the grapevine (or social media) that they are going through a tough time. My advice: Unless there is a lot of bad blood, or they told you never to speak to them again, you should do something. I think it’s best to reach out in a way that is low-key or that gives them a little more space, particularly if you had some kind of falling out. Receiving a card or an email with a kind, thoughtful message—written by someone who once knew them well—can be incredibly meaningful for someone going through a rough time, and they’ll likely recognize and appreciate the risk you took in reaching out.

When a Friend Seems . . . Off

Sometimes, the red flags we covered in Chapter 8 will start to pile up and might be a sign of a bigger problem. Whether you should say anything really depends on your relationship. At a basic level, it requires you to genuinely care about the person and their well-being (see also: radical candor).

When approaching these conversations, curiosity is key. For me, that means 1) asking gentle questions, and 2) not diagnosing anything. Like, I don’t know their life!!! And even if I’m correct in my suspicion that something is amiss, I know how terrible it feels to be on the other end of that conversation. None of us wants to believe that other people know more about us than we know about ourselves, especially if/when it relates to a taboo or something we’re trying to hide. If you’re not sure how to have that conversation, here are some ideas.

What to say

“Are you doing OK [buddy/pal/friend]? I’ve noticed you’re [sleeping a ton/drinking a lot/acting really paranoid/joking about hating your life] and you’ve mentioned [trouble sleeping/how exhausted you are/how hopeless you feel] quite a few times recently. I just wanted to check in.”

If you have a relevant personal experience to share, you can mention that, too.

“I know that when I was [doing/experiencing similar things], I actually [was really depressed/needed to find a new job/was in an unhealthy relationship] so I just wanted to gently flag and ask you how you’re doing.”

From there, just see what they say! Plan to listen with an open heart and mind, and be prepared to drop the issue if they get defensive or aren’t willing to engage. Here are some potential responses you might want to have at the ready.

If they agree that there does seem to be a pattern that indicates something is wrong:

“Have you ever experienced anything like this in the past, or is this new?”

“Do you feel like you have a support system in place for dealing with this stuff?”

“It might be a good idea to talk to your [doctor/therapist] about it.” (I don’t feel comfortable diagnosing another person or insisting I know what the issue is, so I like this option a lot.)

If they don’t think the behavior you’re describing happens that often:

“It might be a good idea to start tracking [behavior] in [an app/your calendar/your journal]. Then you can see how often it’s actually happening, and if you do eventually want to talk to a [doctor/therapist] about it, it’ll be helpful to have that info.”

If they get super defensive or insist there isn’t a problem:

“OK! You know yourself better than I do, so I’m not going to push it. But maybe keep an eye on it in the next few weeks to see if it [gets worse/keeps happening] and be sure you’re making enough time for [yourself/sleep/hobbies/self-care/things that feel good].”

In my experience, there isn’t much to be gained by pushing it when a person is defensive; backing off immediately can go a long way toward diffusing the situation. And in many instances, letting it go warmly and sincerely will give them the space necessary to think about what you’re saying, and perhaps to really consider it.

When They Can’t Stop Venting

When a friend is going through a hard time, several things can be true at once: You can deeply love your friend, you can deeply care about your friend, and you can also be extremely tired of listening to your friend talk about their problems. It feels sacrilegious to even say this, but it’s still true. We all have limits on how much venting and negativity we can tolerate, and even the person you love most in the world can test that limit from time to time.

If a friend’s venting is draining your time and energy, or if you’re ignoring your own emotions and needs in the process of supporting them, that’s a problem. It can be difficult to tell when you’re “allowed” to be fed up with a friend’s venting, or to know what to say if you need a break, so I spoke to therapist Ryan Howes to get his advice about how to handle these delicate moments. Here are some tips and scripts he shared.

Recognize the difference between people feeling their feelings and merely ruminating.

I often struggle with responding to friends who are over-venting because I don’t want to cut them off or discourage them from sharing their feelings, but I also know that sometimes, I—like everyone!—feel exhausted by it. Howes says that if you’re not sure whether it’s officially Too Much, look out for repetition. If the person is just rehashing the same events over and over again, and you’re starting to feel helpless or bored, the friend is likely ruminating. And yes, you’re allowed to ask them to stop venting. “You don’t need any excuse beyond ‘I don’t have energy for this right now,’” says Howes. Not sure how to communciate this? Howes gave me some specific language that might be helpful.

What to say

“Hey, I gotta tell you, I feel a little helpless here. You’ve gone through this story a couple of times and I’ve already told you what I think. You’re still going over it, and it’s feeling kind of frustrating for me.”

“I don’t know that there’s much more I can tell you. I’m getting kind of activated here, and I’m afraid if I listen any longer, I’ll get frustrated, and I don’t want to get mad at you.”

“We need to either talk about this in a different way or switch topics, because I’m finding my thoughts are drifting.”

Remember the forty-five-minute rule.

We covered this in Chapter 5, but I think it’s worth mentioning again here: During an intense conversation, forty-five to fifty minutes is likely the listener’s limit. If you’ve passed that point, you could suggest taking a break from the discussion by saying something like, “Friend, I could use a moment to stretch and make tea and process some of what you’ve been saying for the past hour. Can we take thirty and then continue?” Or, if you just need to be done—which Howes says is totally reasonable—“Can we table this conversation for tonight?”

Modeling good boundaries for people is helping them.

“So many times, people’s complaints have to do with the fact that they are feeling taken advantage of,” Howes says. “If you can help them by showing them how to set a good boundary, that’s even more important than the words that you say.” When you communicate genuine caring and love while modeling good boundaries, you give them permission to do the same—and that is a true gift.

When It Comes to Showing Up in a Crisis, Do What Comes Naturally

In There Is No Good Card for This, the authors write, “If you care, doing something is important. But doing something you like to do, and not something you would normally resist doing, is invaluable. That’s because doing something we naturally like to do means we’re more likely do it.” They offer a full “empathy menu” of ideas for the roles you can play in a crisis moment. A sampling: the Chef (drops off food); the Entertainer (invites the person to drinks, or joins them for a reality TV marathon); the Listener (asks good questions and is attentive to the answers); the PR guru (is the point of contact for sharing all updates); and the Project Manager (coordinates other people’s help). Take a look back at all the values, personality traits, tastes, and priorities you identified in Chapter 1, and think about what role (or roles) you’re best suited for when things get bad.

Showing Up for Friends Who Are Dealing with Big Life Events

Not all loss is felt the same way, and situations that are similarly devastating often call for entirely different responses. That’s why it’s worthwhile to familiarize yourself with the ways in which certain losses are unique, and be prepared to respond accordingly. All of the tips from the first half of this chapter still apply in these situations (and you can and should do those, too!). But if you want to go above and beyond when it comes to showing up, here are some not-always-obvious tips to keep in mind about some of the most common difficult situations that can happen to the people you care about.

Breakup

Do:

• Honor the relationship and the loss. Just because a relationship didn’t end in marriage doesn’t mean it wasn’t legitimate.
• Offer to be their +1 at upcoming events or to just tag along for outings or errands their ex would have been present for; having company can really help when you’re suddenly alone.
• Ask if they need you to retrieve their belongings from their ex’s apartment, take their phone and unfriend/block the ex on social media, or sell all of their ex’s shit on Craigslist (or if they just want you to hang out with them while they do these things).

Don’t:

• Try to convince them to “make it work” because the other person is “so nice.”
• Shit-talk their ex; it can be really dismissive and make them feel worse about being upset. (Also, you never know when people are going to suddenly get back together.)
• Offer unsolicited updates about their ex. If they want to talk about the person’s new job or hear about their new partner, they’ll say so.
• Try to set them up with all of your single friends.

Divorce

Do:

• Include the person in social events. A lot of people worry about losing their friends and community after a divorce, so keep the invitations coming.
• Know that they might not be interested in dating for a while. Everyone moves at their own pace, and giving them time to heal is a way to honor and validate their loss.
• Be gentle with your language. Words like “divorce” and “ex-husband/wife” can be painful at first; if they seem to be avoiding these terms, follow their lead.
• Text them on or a few days before what would have been their next wedding anniversary to let them know you are thinking of them.

Don’t:

• Trash their ex. If someone is heartbroken and misses their partner, hearing “You’re better off without that deadbeat” isn’t helpful and can make them feel really judged.
• Gossip about what happened. If other people ask you or attempt to get you to talk about it, shut it down.
• Tell them how shocked you are, because “You two seemed so happy!”
• Assume they’ll be sad or that they won’t be able to handle seeing happy couples, talking about weddings, etc. If they aren’t treating it like some big tragedy, you shouldn’t either.

Chronic illness or chronic pain

Do:

• Believe them. People with illnesses and pain often spend years trying to get doctors to take them seriously or to diagnose them properly.
• Educate yourself on their condition so they don’t have to teach you. And don’t just read the scientific info—read articles or posts created by people living with it. Sometimes, a good Tumblr meme can tell you a lot more than the Mayo Clinic website.
• Familiarize yourself with Spoon Theory, a helpful framework for understanding what it’s like to live with a chronic medical condition.
• Ask them what kinds of accommodations are helpful/necessary and remember what they say.

Don’t:

• Suggest ~alternative~ healing or treatment options or ask them if they’ve considered yoga.
• Say “But you don’t look sick.”
• Try to force them to be positive or optimistic.
• Lionize them. Not everyone wants to be an “inspiration” or a “warrior.” Just let them be a person.

Cancer, serious illness, injury, and/or hospitalization

Do:

• Look up the rules for visitors, gifts, and outside food before you show up at the hospital. And respect those guidelines once you’re there.
• Ask if they need entertainment. So often, being ill is just boring. Consider showing up for a visit armed with the latest news on the royals, a book you can read out loud to them, work gossip, or stories about Facebook group drama.
• Focus on making them comfortable. Think about bringing them cozy socks, a decent pillow, a water bottle that’s easy to sip from, or pajama pants to wear under a hospital gown.
• Check in before showing up with food. A lot of medications can cause a loss of appetite or nausea, so it’s good to ask what they can handle right now. (If you must bring food, maybe offer it to their family/caregivers instead.)
• Establish another point of contact so you aren’t always bugging your friend. If you’re not the main caregiver, get the info for the person who is (a parent, a sibling, a partner, etc.) and reach out to them.
• Offer to paint their nails, style their hair, or research colorful, comfy caftans. Remember Gabrielle Union’s story about her friend Sookie and the hair removal cream, and let them indulge their “frivolous” side.

Don’t:

• Blather on about how doctors and modern medicine aren’t to be trusted. “Big Pharma” might actually be what’s keeping them alive right now.
• Question their treatment plans. This isn’t the time for “Have you considered . . . ?”
• Show up unannounced. Allowing people to see you when you’re ill is incredibly intimate; even if they’ve said they’d love to see you, they may want a chance to put on pants or a bra first.
• Talk to their health care team without their permission or act rude, aggressive, or demanding to the hospital staff. Unless your friend is specifically asking you to advocate for them, plan to just chill.
• Set up a GoFundMe campaign for them or their family without running the idea by them first.
• Assume they are comfortable with your being present for certain types of treatment or conversations with their doctor. People often feel very vulnerable in those moments, and they may want some privacy. Instead of waiting for them to ask you to leave, get in the habit of offering to excuse yourself (e.g., “Oh, let me give you some privacy” or “I’ll just wait in the hallway until the nurse is finished”)—and actually make a move to leave, so they know you really mean it.
• Share horror stories, articles, or studies about their illness or medical condition. The last thing they need is an anxiety attack.

Major illness in the family (a parent, spouse, a baby, etc.)

Do:

• Offer to keep them company while they sit at the hospital or to take their place on bedside duty from time to time so they can sleep, shower, get a haircut, catch up on emails, or just be alone for a little while. Or ask if you can be more useful elsewhere—taking care of their pet, picking their kids up from school, etc.
• Bring them anything they might need—a change of clothes, a six-foot phone charger, a travel pillow, snacks, dry shampoo—that would make them more comfortable or that would make life a little easier as they sit with their ill family member.
• Ask them if there is anything they need you to research, or any phone calls they need you to make.
• Take care of them so they can focus on taking care of their loved one.

Don’t:

• Show up at the hospital without getting your friend’s permission first.
• Be rude, aggressive, or demanding to the hospital staff.
• Set up a GoFundMe campaign for the family without clearing it with your friend first.
• Pester them for updates on the ill person’s condition. (But if you’re close to the person, you might want to offer to be the point of contact for other friends, and/or to put together something like a daily/weekly email with updates.)
• Ask if they know when the person will be coming home. If they have that info, they’ll tell you.
• Abandon them once their loved one has been discharged from the hospital. Caregiving at home can be even more exhausting because there are no longer trained professionals around, so keep on showing up for them.

Depression, anxiety, and/or other mental illnesses

Do:

• Listen. They may need to vent or cry and just be heard.
• Remind them that you love them and care about them, and that you aren’t judging them.
• Familiarize yourself with the different ways their particular issue can manifest. (For example, depression isn’t just feeling sad; it can also look like an inability to concentrate, impulsiveness, irritability, and guilt.) Maybe even ask what it typically looks like for them.
• If they are feeling overwhelmed, offer to do (or simply be present for) an errand or task they are struggling with. For example, if they mention that laundry is a huge source of stress lately, offer to do a few loads for them, or make a plan to go to the laundromat together.
• Celebrate the small wins. It really helps to have someone cheering you on, someone who is proud of you for overcoming what felt like an insurmountable hurdle.
• Encourage them to seek treatment from a professional and to follow their treatment plan.
• Be patient. It can take people a while to figure out what meds (if any) work for them or to find a good therapist—and that process can be exhausting.

Don’t:

• Take their mental illness personally. It’s really, really not about you.
• Shame them or guilt them. Everything from personal hygiene and chores to socializing can take a backseat when someone is going through it, but rest assured that they are extremely aware of everything that is slipping right now.
• Tell them to think positive, remind them of all the reasons they shouldn’t feel depressed or anxious, or expect them to “just snap out of it.” If it were that simple not to feel this way, they . . . wouldn’t.
• Forget to honor your own boundaries and show up for yourself. You don’t have to provide 24/7 support, let them vent endlessly, discuss topics you find personally triggering, allow them to treat you badly, or act as a stand-in for a therapist. (In fact, please do not act as a stand-in for a therapist.)

Family drama or estrangement

Do:

• Trust that they have made the right choice in separating from their family. Cutting off family is typically not easy, and if your friend has made that decision, there’s probably a very good reason (or years of good reasons) that you aren’t privy to.
• Offer to run interference at events if they are anxious about a family member acting up. Maybe you can distract Gramps with pleasant small talk at the barbecue, or ask Mom for help with something “urgent” so your friend can get a few minutes of peace on their wedding day.
• Reach out to them in advance of holidays (even small ones!), their birthday, and other big occasions (like a grad school graduation) to see how they are feeling and/or whether they’d like to make plans or join your celebration.
• Take them at their word if they decline your invitation or tell you they’re good, or say that this holiday really isn’t a big deal to them. Not everyone thinks being alone on Christmas or their birthday is the worst fate in the world—truly! Let them know the offer stands if they change their mind at the last minute, and then drop it.
• Let them know you are thinking of them on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day if they have a bad relationship with their parent. When everyone is posting photos of themselves with their mom at their wedding, or describing their dad as their hero, it can be very painful and isolating.
• Get comfortable with the fact that families sometimes let each other down in serious ways that can’t be repaired or forgiven (or that will simply require a lot of time and distance before healing is possible). We live in the real world, where abuse, rejection, cruelty, manipulation, addiction, and violence exist and can happen to the people we love and care about.

Don’t:

• Pry. If they say they have a bad relationship with their parents, avoid asking nosy questions about what happened. If they give you a few vague details, assume that’s all you need to know for now.
• Pressure your friend to “forgive and forget” or “just move on.” Again, not all violations are fixable or forgivable, and even if that might change someday, today is not that day.
• Guilt-trip your friend or insist that they’ll always regret, say, not having their abusive sibling at their wedding, or missing their horrible grandparent’s funeral. There’s a very good chance they won’t actually regret this. But also: Maybe they will! It happens! Regardless, it’s their call, and if one day they do regret it, trust that they can own that decision.
• Push them to reconcile ASAP, because the family member might die someday. No need to take it to that level, y’all! Also: Sometimes our lives don’t have tidy, happy endings, and it just . . . is! Let it go.
• Get way more emotional about the situation than your friend is. If you can’t let it go or you’re feeling very strongly about, say, the fact that your friend’s father won’t be at their wedding, it might be more of a You Problem than a Them Problem.

Coming out as LGBTQ+

Do:

• Say something like “Thank you for trusting me” or “This doesn’t change how I see you.”
• Respect their right to come out on their own terms. If they don’t want anyone else to know right now or they want to be the one to tell people, that’s OK. And if you weren’t the first to know, don’t give them a hard time about it.
• Allow them to self-identify, and use their labels and/or pronouns. If they say they are queer, say queer; if they say they are bi, say bi; if they say they have a partner instead of a girlfriend, say partner instead of girlfriend. (If you’re not sure what labels they use or don’t use, just ask!) If they will be using a different pronoun or going by a different name, start using that pronoun or name.
• Apologize for any past behavior or comments that you now regret. If you made some “jokes” that you’re now feeling embarrassed by, offer a genuine apology. (More on how to do that in Chapter 10.) And if you don’t have the guts or the wherewithal to do it in the moment, you can definitely follow up with it later.
• Make Google your friend. If you, like most of us, didn’t get a queer sex education in school, this is a great time to learn some new vocabulary words.

Don’t:

• Say “I always knew” (cool???) or “It doesn’t matter to me” (which is well intended, but actually trivializes what they’ve just told you).
• Take it personally if they want to spend more time with their queer friends or if you aren’t invited to queer events or spaces.
• Be super nosy. If they want you to know the details of their sex life or their bits, they’ll tell you.
• Try to set them up with your one other queer friend (whom they actually have nothing in common with).
• Think you now have license to use slurs that they have reclaimed, make jokes about their sexuality (or about other LGBTQ+ people), or tease them for exhibiting stereotypical “gay” behavior.
• Expect a cookie for not rejecting them.

Job loss

Do:

• Remember that “loss” is the key word here. Being fired or laid off can also mean losing friends, your daily doses of human contact, your routine/schedule, access to technology or other resources (like a printer or a computer), your trusted health care providers, and the ability to plan for the future in a practical way.
• Affirm their talents, skills, and worth. Losing your job can be a real blow to the ego, especially if their work/success and their identity are intertwined.
• Be conscious of the fact that they might be really worried about money.
• Respect their time. Just because someone is unemployed doesn’t mean they are down for long afternoon phone calls or weekday playdates.
• Ask how much career/job talk they are comfortable hearing right now. They may not be the best audience when you need to complain about your petty cubemate or talk about your new title/promotion in great detail.
• Be patient and realistic. Getting a new job typically takes way more time than most of us think it does.
• Continue to check in after a couple of months have passed, or after their other laid-off colleagues have gone back to work. Being unemployed can be an incredibly lonely time, and it doesn’t feel good to be the only person you know without a job. If you can occasionally carve out a little time to see or talk to them during the day when they are alone and bored, it could mean a lot to them.

Don’t:

• Game out every possible worst-case scenario, or push them to answer a bunch of hypothetical questions about how they’ll handle not finding a job on a certain timeline.
• Bombard them with job listings that you think they might be interested in or should apply for (unless they tell you that this is OK).
• Give them unsolicited advice on what they should be doing differently with regard to their job search, cover letters, résumé, or during interviews (especially if you’re in a different industry than they are).
• Make them feel guilty for watching reality TV, going to a museum during the day, or taking a nap. Unemployed people typically feel like they have to work (i.e., search and apply for jobs) all the time, and can feel guilty about taking necessary breaks or doing errands like laundry or grocery shopping.
• Expect (or ask for) frequent updates on the jobs they’ve applied for, or on the job search in general. They might not be sharing much because they don’t want to get their hopes up, or because they don’t want to have to tell everyone they didn’t get the job they really wanted.

Eating disorders

Do:

• Know that recovery isn’t as simple as “just eating.” People with eating disorders view food, eating, and their own body very differently than people who don’t have eating disorders do.
• Let your friend eat or not eat in a given moment as they see fit. If you are really concerned about their not eating and if you have a relationship where it’s appropriate for you to mention this (a major IF!!!), at least wait for a good time to bring it up—that is, not at dinner.
• Invite them to hang out. Isolation can trigger feelings of worthlessness or the sense that no one likes them.
• Plan activities that aren’t related to food. (If they are further along in their treatment or trying to get back to “normal,” you can ask them if they’d like to join you for a meal.)
• Check your own biases. If you’re constantly talking shit about your appearance, or you judge others for their size or for not eating “healthily” (as you define it), you may be part of the problem. You can also ask if there’s anything you’ve done or said that they find triggering.

Don’t:

• Talk about their body, even in a “nice” way. Saying “You look great” or “You’re not fat” isn’t helpful and, in fact, can enable disordered thinking.
• Take their eating disorder personally. It’s really, really not about you.
• Blame or shame them via “you” statements. Watch out for questions that begin: “Why can’t you?,” “Why aren’t you?,” and “Why don’t you?”

Pregnancy, childbirth, and having a newborn

Do:

• Let their schedule dictate your plans to hang out. Babies go to bed very early, and your friend can’t just blow off naptime.
• Offer to come to them when making plans. They’ll appreciate not having to travel far with a little one or pay a babysitter for extra time spent in transit.
• Know that using a breast pump is a whole other thing they might be dealing with. If they say they need to pump at a certain time, they do.
• Reassure them that they don’t have to tidy up, do their hair, or be in “host” mode when you come to their place for a visit.
• Plan to wash/sanitize your hands when you enter their home, and definitely before you hold their baby.
• Respect any and all boundaries they set for posting pictures/videos of their child on social media.
• Consider choosing a little gift for them instead of a gift for their baby. It’s a nice way to tell them you still think of them as a person, not just a parent. Also, their kid is likely getting a lot of attention right now; it’s not a bad idea to communicate, “You still matter too.”
• Remind them that they are doing a great job and are a good parent.

Don’t:

• Ask if this was planned, a surprise, if they were “trying,” etc. When in doubt, go with, “Oh! How are you feeling?”
• Ask personal questions about their child’s other biological parent, if, say, the pregnant person is unmarried or queer. It’s truly none of your business.
• Say “You’d better sleep now!” when they are expecting. It’s silly (that’s not how sleep works) and weirdly negative.
• Visit them when you’re sick. Babies have fragile immune systems!
• Overstay your welcome. Your friend is probably tired, and their child likely has a firm schedule they need to stick to. That said, your friend might be bored and really excited to have some company. So when planning your get-together, you can say something like, “What are you finding is a good length of time for a visit with friends? Obviously, I’m very excited to see you and catch up with you, but I don’t want to crash naptime or feeding time, or wear you out with socializing.”

Adopting a child

Do:

• Know that adoption isn’t “easier” than pregnancy. It’s expensive, emotionally draining, and time-consuming, and it comes with no guarantees.
• Keep in mind that their life might be very uncertain as they wait to be matched; they might not be able to make plans too far in advance during this process.
• Educate yourself on the latest vocabulary. Small language tweaks (like saying “placed for adoption” instead of “given up for adoption” or “was adopted” versus “is adopted”) matter.
• Ask them if they’d like to have a baby shower, the same way you’d ask any of your friends who are expecting.
• Treat their child as their child. Use the terms son, daughter, mother, father, parent, family, and so on to refer to the relationships; there’s really no need to add “adopted” or “adoptive” as a descriptor.

Don’t:

• Use the term “real” (e.g., real children, real mother, real family) to denote biological relationships.
• Expect your friend to tell why they chose to adopt. People adopt for a range of reasons, some or all of which they may choose to keep private.
• Assume you have a right to know details about their child’s background or birth parents.
• Ask them how much money their child “cost” (YIKES) or how much they spent on the entire process.
• Say “You gave them a better life,” “They are so lucky,” or anything that implies that your friend rescued their child or has done something particularly charitable.
• Forget that taking care of a newborn and being a parent is hard, regardless of whether you birthed said newborn or not. Show up for them with all the love and empathy that you’d offer any new parent.

Miscarriage

Do:

• Follow their lead if they are using their baby’s name. It’s a powerful way to acknowledge that their child existed and will be remembered, and that their loss and grief is real.
• Remember that the other parent is experiencing a loss, too; even though someone wasn’t physically carrying the child, they are still grieving and need your love and support.
• Offer to help with any unexpected and difficult tasks they mention. For example, if they say that they are dreading taking down the crib or returning it to the store, offer to be there when they do, or ask if they’d like you to do it for them.

Don’t:

• Try to play detective and determine the cause of the miscarriage.
• Trivialize the loss based on how early in the pregnancy it happened. This isn’t the time to debate the definition of a “real baby.”
• Make “at least” statements—like, “At least you know you can get pregnant” or “At least you don’t have to deal with stretch marks now!” or “At least you already have one healthy child!”
• Ask when they are going to start trying again or say, “You’ll be able to get pregnant again.”
• Talk about the time your pet died.

Infertility

Do:

• Make a mental note of anything your friend mentions in conversation that you should research later. They might not be up for explaining what Clomid or intracytoplasmic sperm injection is, or defining all of the acronyms and abbreviations that pop up on infertility message boards. If your friend uses “TTC,” “2WW,” or “BBT,” just Google it later!
• Recognize that trying to conceive can mean existing in a sort of limbo, where the future is unknown; they may not want or be able to make plans for a year from now.
• Know that they might not be up for traveling anytime soon because they may need to be home to receive injections and also because infertility treatment can be expensive. Even if they haven’t mentioned their finances, err on the side of suggesting budget-friendly activities.
• Be mindful of how you talk about pregnancy and parenting in general in front of them. This isn’t the time to share your thoughts on how “having a baby isn’t impressive, anyone can do it.” They literally can’t!!! And be thoughtful when sharing your own baby news with them. Ask them what kind of updates they are comfortable hearing (and what they can’t deal with), and always give them permission to opt out of baby/pregnancy talk.

Don’t:

• Offer medical advice or suggestions. If they’ve decided to try (or forgo) a particular treatment option, assume that they have their reasons and move on.
• Bring up adoption. It’s not actually an easy alternative (or even an option for everyone). Also, it’s not like adoption hasn’t occurred to them.
• Share stories about people who successfully had children after years of trying (unless they tell you they want to hear them).
• Say, “You just need to relax!” or “It’ll happen when you stop trying!” or offer up anecdotes about your coworker who finally got pregnant after quitting IVF treatments and taking a vacation.
• Expect them to share all the details of their journey with you. It can be easy to forget that talking about conception means talking about their sex life, a topic this person might not really want to discuss with you.

Sexual assault or rape

Do:

• Familiarize yourself with the facts: Sexual assault includes way more than just P in V penetration, and coercion doesn’t necessarily involve a weapon.
• Believe your friend. False accusations about rape and assault are incredibly rare.
• Remind them that this isn’t their fault.
• Offer to go with them to the hospital or a clinic for a medical exam. (If they have injuries or want a rape kit done, they should do this ASAP.)
• Ask before initiating physical contact (like hugs or touches).
• Pay attention to if/how they identify themselves; “victim” and “survivor” mean different things to different people, so follow their lead.
• Be patient. Healing from trauma takes time.

Don’t:

• Ask questions that place responsibility on them (e.g., “Why did you go home with them?”).
• Pressure them to go to the police or report their assault if they don’t want to or if they don’t feel safe doing so.
• Make extreme/aggressive statements like, “I’d like to murder the bastard who did this to you.”
• Treat rape or sexual assault as the worst crime in the world; while it is traumatic, going hard on the “It’s life-ruining!!!” rhetoric can reinforce the (false!) idea that people who are sexually assaulted are dirty or broken.

Intimate partner violence

Do:

• Know that it can be extremely hard for people—even highly intelligent, shit-together people—to recognize abuse when it’s happening to them, and to actually leave the situation once they’ve realized it.
• Believe your friend if they say they are being abused. Even if the abuser has never been abusive in front of you, even if they “seem so nice,” even if the abuse isn’t physically violent, even if your friend doesn’t match your idea of how an abuse victim looks or behaves.
• Remind them it’s not their fault.
• Be patient and gentle. Do your best to make sure they feel seen, supported, and encouraged.
• Allow them to be the expert on their own safety. Come up with a plan together for how you’ll respond in certain escalating or full-on crisis situations. Establish a neutral code word or emoji that they can use if they are in danger and/or need you to take a specific action, or to simply let you know it’s safe to talk.
• Be extremely thoughtful in how you communicate with them. Their phone, laptop, and DMs might be monitored, and/or they may be trackable via GPS at all times. Don’t text them about the situation without receiving some kind of signal that it’s safe to do so, and ask permission before you post photos/videos of them, tag them, and/or add a location to a social media post.
• Stay in regular contact with the friend; it might be wise to set up a recurring time to hang out (ideally someplace safe/private). Encourage them to remain involved in their favorite hobbies, activities, and social groups; those connections really matter.
• Do what you can to make it easier for them to stay in touch, and to get help. That might mean allowing them to set the specifics of when/where/how you meet up, letting them use your phone or laptop to do research or make calls, or offering to pay for dinner if they are concerned the abusive person is monitoring their bank account.
• Take threats, stalking, abuse, and violence seriously, particularly if the abusive person owns or has access to weapons, and especially if your friend is taking the situation seriously.

Don’t:

• Blame or shame them. There’s a good chance their partner is regularly putting them down. Be the person who affirms them and reminds them of their worth.
• Give up on them. Abusers succeed, in part, by isolating people from their friends and family. So don’t give them a big “It’s me or your abusive partner” ultimatum.
• Tell them what to do. Your friend is already dealing with one person who shows “love” via control; they don’t need another. If you push your own beliefs or shame them for staying in contact with the abusive person, they may stop being honest with you. You can (and should!) communicate that you are scared for their safety, but ultimately, you have to trust them to make their own decisions.
• Accuse them of being “irrational” if they won’t leave the abuser. What seems illogical to you can actually be incredibly rational, the result of dozens of tiny invisible calculations based on your friend’s intimate knowledge of the abuser’s past behavior.
• Forget to think about your own safety. Don’t confront the abuser, assume the abuser doesn’t realize that you’re onto their behavior, or be careless about posting on social media and/or sharing your location.

Addiction

Do:

• Remember that addiction isn’t a choice or something people can “just stop” doing. Quitting is really, really hard, even when a person wants to.
• Offer to help them find treatment, if that’s something they want. You can also show up for them by sitting with them when they tell their loved ones, driving them to appointments, or taking care of their home/pets/kids while they get treatment.
• Encourage them. Getting help is scary, and recovery is work. Remind them that you’re proud of them and that you are rooting for them.
• Focus on safety—yours and theirs. Instead of waiting for a crisis moment to occur, make a plan with them (and other friends/loved ones) for what you’ll do if the person becomes abusive or violent, tries to drive while drunk or high, or appears to have overdosed.
• Set and enforce boundaries. You are allowed to refuse to be around them while they are using, not get in a car with them when they are high, or deny them access to your children, your other friends, your home, and your belongings.

Don’t:

• Take their addiction personally.
• Believe you can manage or end their addiction on your own. If there were ever an instance to call upon professional help, this is it.
• Attempt to control them. They get to decide what (if any) treatment is right for them, and ultimately take responsibility for their own health and healing.
• Try to protect them from the negative consequences of their behavior and choices. You can’t, and you’ll lose yourself trying to.
• Overlook the value of support groups, online communities, or other resources for families and loved ones. You have to keep showing up for yourself when dealing with this, buddy.

Incarceration of a friend or their loved one

Do:

• Stay in touch with an incarcerated friend. If you can’t call regularly, send letters or cards, or emails, if they’re permissible.
• Entertain them. Being in prison is often incredibly boring, so get creative. Print and mail a bunch of funny memes or tweets, talk about what you’re reading or what’s in the news, or just keep them updated on all the “boring” drama in your everyday life.
• Research what you can mail, bring, and wear to the prison they are in; it would be a bummer for them to not receive your card because, for example, it had glitter on it.
• If your friend’s loved one is incarcerated: Treat it like the loss that it is. Offer to drop off meals, help out around the house, babysit their kids, and lend a sympathetic ear. And do your research; read up on the criminal justice system and what life in prison is like.

Don’t:

• Feel obligated to tell everyone you meet why your loved one is in prison. It’s perfectly OK to keep that private.
• Tell yourself that you have to “be strong” or think that you don’t have the right to share your everyday struggles and disappointments with the person who is incarcerated.
• Do this alone. Join a support group or otherwise connect with people whose loved ones are incarcerated.
• If your friend’s loved one is incarcerated: Don’t be nosy or judgmental. Keep an open mind and heart, and let your friend direct the conversations about their loved one.

Death of a pet

Do:

• Take the loss seriously. The death of a pet is heartbreaking, and your friend is probably going to be sad for a while. If you catch them invalidating their own grief (e.g., “I know it’s silly to be so upset but . . .”), remind them that it’s not silly to be sad or to cry.
• Share your favorite memories of their pet with them.
• Participate in any sort of funeral ritual or memorial they organize. It’s a really simple way to honor their loss and validate their pain.
• Keep an eye on whether they are getting out of the house regularly and/or engaging with other people, particularly if they live alone and/or are a senior citizen.

Don’t:

• Ask them if/when they are planning to get a new pet.
• Forget that pets are special and meaningful for a lot of people, even if you don’t feel that way about animals.

Death of a loved one

Do:

• Validate their loss. If they are clearly communicating that they are upset, or telling you that the deceased was deeply important to them, it doesn’t really matter if, say, the person was “technically” a close relative or not. On the other hand, if it’s not immediately obvious what the relationship was like, you might want to say something to the effect of “Were you two close?” before making any assumptions. That gives them the space to say, “Actually, my parent and I had a very complicated relationship and haven’t spoken in some time.”
• Invite them to tell you about the life of the person who died. You can say, “What was your grandma like?” or “If you’re comfortable sharing, I’d love to read the obituary/your eulogy later” or “I’d love to see photos of them.” And then listen when they tell you. (Note: Use your best judgment on when to do this; the days between the death and the funeral are typically a good time. That said, if you’re not sure what exactly to say to your coworker who just told you their dead grandfather was their best friend, try something like, “He sounds really special, and I’d love to hear more about him if you’d like to share more with me at some point.”)
• Send a card. This isn’t to say you should only send a card; sometimes, you should also send flowers, or food, or go to the funeral. But if you’re wondering if it’s OK to send a card, the answer is yes, it is. My dad died more than twenty years ago, and I can still tell you the names of the classmates who sent me a sympathy card after his death. I was genuinely touched by their gesture, and it taught me to do the same if given the opportunity.
• Familiarize yourself with the funeral rituals of other religions or cultures if you think/know the deceased’s traditions are different from yours.
• Always go to the funeral. This tip comes from Deirdre Sullivan in a lovely NPR piece of the same name. “Sounds simple—when someone dies, get in your car and go to calling hours or the funeral,” she writes. “‘Always go to the funeral’ means that I have to do the right thing when I really, really don’t feel like it.”42

Don’t:

• Go to the funeral if you’re explicitly asked not to go to the funeral. Showing up for people means taking them at their word.
• Say, “How did they die?” This is especially important to remember for less recent losses that happen to come up in everyday conversation. Some causes of death are really upsetting, private, or taboo, or just Not Good Brunch Talk. Instead, try, “I’m so sorry to hear that; I had no idea.”
• Talk about the time your dog died.

If ever you’re not sure what to say or what not to say, ask yourself: Is this necessary? Is this kind?

How to Be a Good Ally

An ally is a person who stands with or advocates for individuals and groups that they are not personally a part of. You might have heard the term in the context of race, gender, and/or sexuality, but it applies to a lot of other circumstances as well. Showing up is about showing up for everyone, especially people who have less privilege and power than you do. Here are some tips to help you get started.

Actually see people’s full identity.

Believing everyone is equal and deserving of love, support, and happiness is a good thing, but saying “I didn’t even realize you were [identity]” or “I don’t see color” communicates that these differences don’t matter. What you probably mean is it shouldn’t matter. But here in reality, it does, and it’s important to acknowledge that.

Instead of expecting others to educate you, educate yourself.

We are so blessed to live in a time when Google exists!

Listen.

When a person from a marginalized group is talking, it’s a good time to STFU. But also: Listen to people from different groups or backgrounds regularly. Look at the authors you’re reading, the influencers you follow, the podcasts you listen to the most; do they all look/sound/seem alike in key ways? And seek out a broad range of voices within these groups (because all of the people of a certain background don’t necessarily share the same views).

Shut down shitty jokes and comments.

My two favorite responses for these moments come from Alison Green of Ask a Manager: “I hope you aren’t saying that because you think I/we agree with you” and “I hope you don’t mean that like it sounds.” Elegant, direct, effective.

Hand over the mic.

Sometimes speaking up on behalf of someone is the work; other times, you should seek to amplify the voices of people whose lived experiences are being discussed. If you’re not sure, ask what they’d prefer. You can also apply ring theory here—dump your thoughts and feelings out to the people who are not marginalized versus in to the people at the center of the ring in a given situation.

Let people label themselves, reclaim slurs or insults related to their identity, and/or make jokes about their identity.

Not all words are ours to use, not all jokes are ours to make, and the “But [someone else] said it!!!” argument is intellectually dishonest. The appropriateness of certain words, nicknames, and jokes is dependent on the identity of the speaker and their relationship to the subject matter. This isn’t complicated or confusing; if you called your teachers Mr. or Mrs. instead of using their first names or calling them “Mom” and “Dad,” then you already understand this.

Avoid bombarding people with upsetting articles/news that relate to their identity.

Here’s what I mean: I, a woman, read and share articles about sexism and violence against women fairly frequently. Sometimes my male friends will come across an article about a really horrible incident of sexism or violence against women and think, “I should send that to Rachel!” Which I get! It seems like the sort of thing I’d be interested in. But sometimes it’s really jarring or triggering or I need a break from the terrible news cycle. So it’s wise to be gentle and thoughtful when sharing this kind of content.

When you need help or support, lean on other allies.

There will be times when you as an ally might feel overwhelmed, confused, or even defensive, and you’ll need to work through or process those feelings with someone. A person in the marginalized group affected isn’t the right audience for this. That’s when it’s helpful to turn to Google or talk to your fellow allies.

Why Venmo Is My Favorite Sympathy Card

When something awful happens to a friend, our first instinct, as decent people, is to do one of two things: send flowers or bring food. These are the classic “Sorry everything is terrible” options that have stood the test of time. Except they . . . kind of haven’t. If you’re in Maryland and your friend is in a suburb in Michigan, it’s not like you can just leave a casserole on their front porch, and sending not-shitty flowers long-distance can be surprisingly difficult. Even if you live nearby, these options aren’t for everyone—some people don’t like flowers, or you may be a terrible cook. Enter Venmo, the dark-horse third when it comes to expressing sympathy.

Yes, Venmo, the app that lets you seamlessly send and receive money from friends without ever paying any fees. Since I’ve entered my thirties—a time when shit starts getting REAL real, turns out—I’ve discovered that the PayPal’s sexier younger sibling is also a fantastic way to be there for someone when they are in crisis, in whatever way they need you to be there.

After a friend’s miscarriage a few years ago, our friend group discussed sending her flowers. But in the end, I just collected money from everyone via Venmo, and then Venmo’d the sum to the friend privately with a note to use it for cabs to and from doctor’s appointments, takeout, wine, and snacks—anything that might make one of the worst days of her life a tiny bit less bad. Another time, when I was having a very shitty week, a friend Venmo’d me fifteen dollars with the bouquet emoji. “I couldn’t get flowers delivered to you that quickly,” she said. “So pick some up for yourself on your way home.” I don’t think I ever bought the flowers, and instead spent the money to have a burrito delivered that night. Who cares? Not my friend; it was important to her that I get some kind of nice thing for myself, not that I get the exact nice thing she believed I needed. We both understood that the cash was meant to be a choose-your-own-solace-adventure care package.

Venmo also comes in handy when the thing your friend needs most is . . . money. In that moment of unexpected awfulness, your friend may not have it. And that is where you can, on occasion, step in. Of course, this assumes that you have the money to spend in the first place, but if you were going to send flowers, then that’s a safe assumption.

Now, to be able to get on board with this, you may have to set aside some deeply held cultural beliefs about money and etiquette and the “right” way to respond to tragedy. And I get that delivering a sympathy gift to a grieving friend in Venmo’s pizza emoji–laden interface might sound a little . . . newfangled. But not everyone mourns the same way or wants a lot of attention when they are grieving. There’s something to be said for offering support from a distance—especially if your friend is dealing with the sort of loss that tends to be stigmatized. Beaming a sympathy gift directly to someone’s phone lets them receive it and react to it privately.

The key to making this not seem weird lies in what you say when you Venmo the money. What you’re not going to do is send fifty dollars with “sry bout yr cancer” followed by the “see no evil” monkey emoji. Instead, reference the established expression of sympathy that the money is standing in for. “This is for flowers” tells them “This is for you to buy something lovely.” “Snacks/wine/bourbon” is code for “Something comforting to consume.” “Seamless” or “Dinners this week” clearly means “Foodstuffs of any sort.” And “Ubers/Lyfts” translates to “Something to make your life slightly more convenient.” When in doubt, you can always add a “Because I can’t do this for you IRL” to it, as in, “Because I can’t be there to do X for you, use this to pay for Y.”

When it comes to responding to grief, trauma, and tragedy, the thought is very much what counts. So whenever you don’t know what to do to support someone who is struggling, maybe just Venmo them. Remember to set the visibility to “participants only.” Be sure to say “I love you and I’m here for you.” Select your finest emoji. Then tap “pay,” and be grateful that we have modern technology to make the age-old tradition of comforting the sick, the sad, and the grieving a tiny bit easier.