T HE WORKING MOTHER is a fact of modern life, but there’s a lot at stake when a mother is making decisions about when and how to return to her job after the birth of her baby. Financial questions, career advancement, job security, personal fulfillment, pensions, and benefits may all factor into the decision. So will the availability of high-quality childcare. The most important issue to consider, however, is attachment—how mother’s absence will affect baby’s ability to develop trust. It’s possible to work outside the home and still be an attached mom, just as it’s possible to be home full-time and mother a baby in a way that hinders attachment. Martha has juggled parenting and a career herself over the years, and I have counseled hundreds of working mothers over several decades in my pediatrics practice, so we’ve seen families solve the attach-ment-and-working dilemma in lots of different ways, some more successfully than others. Here’s what we’ve learned about working and staying attached.
Meet Jill and Susan, two mothers who returned to work during their baby’s first year of life. As these two mothers went back to the marketplace, one maintained a strong attachment to her baby, and the other didn’t.
Susan was a career woman for ten years before becoming pregnant with her first baby. During her pregnancy, she heard two voices within herself debating whether or not she should return to work. Her professional voice reminded her she had worked long years to get this far in her career and that she enjoyed her job and felt fulfilled by what she did. Susan’s maternal voice told her that because she had waited so long to have her first baby, she really wanted to be the best mother she could, for her own sake and for her baby.
As the career-versus-mothering debate continued in her head, Susan learned all she could about babies and came to believe that a strong mother-infant attachment was important to her baby and to her own development as a mother. While she still planned to return to work after her baby’s birth, Susan decided to give attachment parenting her best effort. After their daughter was born, she and her husband, Bill, practiced the whole attachment-parenting package. Molly was a high-need baby, and both Susan and Bill worked hard at being responsive to her cues. After a month or so of intense baby care, they started to see their investment pay off, as Molly became happier and more predictable. This made them even more aware of what kind of care Molly needed in order to thrive, so Susan decided to ease back into her career, working part-time at first. She increased her time at work slowly, based on her judgment of how much separation Molly could tolerate and how comfortable she herself felt while away from her baby. Susan and Bill also went to great lengths to choose a naturally nurturing person to care for Molly. The substitute caregiver spent two weeks in their home before Susan returned to work, learning how best to care for Molly. This prework tryout period gave Molly the opportunity to get to know the sub gradually with her mother’s help. It also helped Susan feel more confident about how her baby would be cared for in her absence.
When Susan returned to work, she brought a breast pump along and used her lunchtime and breaks to pump milk for Molly. This, and the many pictures of Molly on her desk, reminded her of her baby and helped her feel connected, even when the two of them were miles apart. She called home and talked to the caregiver a couple of times a day, often right before it was time to pump milk. On her way home Susan used her cell phone to call the sub to let her know exactly what time she would be home. If Molly was hungry, the caregiver held off giving her a bottle, so that Molly would be eager to nurse when Susan walked in the door. When Susan arrived home, she kicked off her shoes, took Molly in her arms, and headed for the rocking chair. She got a briefing on the day’s events while Molly nursed. The sub left, and Bill came home and started supper. The family shared a relaxing evening, since Bill and Susan drastically cut back on other commitments so that they could devote almost all of their non-working hours to their baby. At night, Molly slept snuggled next to Mommy and nursed often—though neither mother nor baby fully awakened. On weekends Bill and Susan put Molly in the sling and kept her close while they caught up on errands or shared household tasks.
Despite the time that Susan and Molly are apart, their attachment continues, because Susan and Bill work hard at building and keeping their baby’s trust. Susan’s strong attachment to Molly in some ways made it more difficult to leave her and go to work, but in other ways it has made it easier. Susan’s knowledge of her baby helped her make wise decisions about substitute care, and Molly’s strong attachment to her mother made it easier for her to trust the caring woman who nurtures her while Susan is gone. Susan feels more comfortable leaving Molly because she spends so much of her non-working time continuing to build a strong attachment.
Now meet Jill. Jill loves her job, is fulfilled by it, and never thought of not returning to it after her pregnancy. A week or so after her baby’s birth, she was already planning her return to the job. She and her husband led highly organized lives before their baby was born. They had been warned by friends that children would turn their predictable lifestyle upside down, but they were confident that they would be able to fit parenthood into their already busy schedules. Jill breastfed their son, Jason, for the first few weeks after he was born, wanting him to have the many health benefits. But she began to wean him to formula when he was a month old, fearing that he would be so used to her that he wouldn’t take a bottle from his baby-sitter. She wanted him on a schedule, as this would be more convenient for the workers in the day-care center she had chosen, and she read a book about sleep training, determined that Jason should sleep through the night so that she could get enough sleep after she returned to work. She tried out all kinds of gadgets that promised to make her baby need her less: swings, recordings of a heartbeat, a crib that rocked all by itself. She was afraid of spoiling her baby with too much attention during her maternity leave and worried that too much attachment would make it more difficult for her to leave Jason when she returned to work. Although Jill and Tom loved their son and wanted the best for him, they vowed not to let Jason control their lives.
By the time Jill returned to work, Jason was on a reasonably predictable three- to four-hour feeding schedule and was sleeping a six- to seven-hour stretch at night. Jill and Tom were quite happy with the way they had been able to fit Jason into their careers. Their lives seemed to fit the plans they had made. In time, though, a distance seemed to develop between the parents and infant. Jill and Tom often chose to go out to dinner and a movie on the weekend, leaving Jason with another sitter. They found the toddler years exhausting; Jason was an impulsive child and rarely heeded his parents’ guidance. Jill read books, tried lots of discipline methods, and even sought counseling on how to handle Jason’s behavioral problems. She was often mystified by her child, and the conflicts between them made it difficult for her to enjoy motherhood. Because she had worked so hard to avoid becoming too attached to Jason, she didn’t know her child well enough to be an effective parent as her baby grew.
Susan and Jill represent widely contrasting parenting experiences. We’ve seen working mothers end up at both ends of this spectrum, and at many points in between. From them we’ve learned that it is possible to build a strong attachment to your baby while working outside the home, but it does take effort and commitment.
I am an attorney for a large corporation. Before my son was born, I decided that I would breastfeed him for at least a year, and I would find a way to do it despite our physical separation. So I rented a breast pump, found a suitably businesslike bag to carry the extras in (bottles, a towel, and so on), and returned to work after four months at home. Now, several months later, my baby’s only liquid when I am away from him is still breast milk, expressed every day at the office.
I keep my breast pump out in the open in my office—tubing, bottles, and all. (Everyone understands that I lock my door when I need privacy.) My mostly male colleagues, of all ages, have been curious, but very supportive. In fact, I have had the general counsel of our company come into my office, sit down, and begin a conversation with the pump in plain sight. Although I assumed its presence would be distracting, he has assured me that since he is a grandfather, it does not bother him a bit! One colleague, seeing me with the carrying case in the elevator, asked jokingly if I was carrying a bomb. When I told him what it was, he was more surprised than if I had answered his question with a yes.
My work frequently takes me out of my office. I take the pump with me. I borrow a conference room or another lawyers office, or any place with some privacy and an electric outlet. Many of the male lawyers I work with have recently had babies, have been through breastfeeding with their wives, and are more than happy to help me out.
My husband is an essential participant in this endeavor. He makes sure the ice pack is frozen so the bottles can be kept cold and that the pump is packed up and in the car in the morning, because I tend to forget things. So far, we haven’t missed a day.
The hardest part of going back to work was being so far away from my baby. But by “feeding” him three times a day at the office, he is in my thoughts no matter what. More important, something only I can give him stays at home with him every day, nourishing him even when I can’t hold him in my arms. That makes it all worth it.
Spending lots of time together is a prerequisite for attachment. You have to be there when baby gives a cue in order to respond to that cue. When parents’ work separates them from baby, it takes more effort to build and maintain a strong attachment. Having that connection to your baby can make it more difficult to leave every day. On the other hand, attachment parenting can make it easier to work and mother your baby. Because you give your baby so much of yourself while you’re together, you feel more confident that your baby trusts you, and you really enjoy the time you spend mothering your baby. Here are some tips for keeping your attachment strong before and after your return to your job.
1. Practice full-time AP while you’re a full-time mother. Practice as many of the seven Baby B’s as you can as much as you can. Learn to read baby’s needs and, by trial and error, learn the appropriate responses. Wear your baby in a sling at least four to five hours a day, sleep with your baby at night, and get deeply attached. The knowledge of your baby that you gain in these early weeks will help you be a more connected parent after you return to work.
In our experience, after a few weeks of intensive attachment parenting, most mothers are so hooked on their baby that they rethink some of the decisions made during pregnancy about working and mothering. Where at first they felt they could work baby into their busy lives, they now feel compelled to reorganize their lives and work schedule around their baby.
I work full-time, but when I’m home, I mother full-time. I’ve had to give up a lot of justfor-me activities, but these choices are working for our family.
Developing a strong attachment to your baby will prepare you to make wise decisions about substitute caregivers, work schedules, and what you do during the time that you are not working. You will be surprised what you’re willing to do in order to stay attached to your baby. The breast pump that seemed so intimidating a few weeks ago becomes your link to your baby while you’re on the job. You discover that the best way to relax after work is to spend time “doing nothing” with baby. You may even make different decisions about your career, cutting back on your hours or looking for a more family-friendly position.
2. Plan ahead, but not too far ahead. Don’t dwell on W Day, the day you’ll need to return to work. If you are constantly thinking about how you will manage to leave your baby, you run the risk of keeping yourself from getting attached to your baby. Mothers sometimes do this subconsciously. They don’t allow themselves to get really involved with their babies as a way of protecting themselves from the pain of separating. The problem is that this withholding of affection and responsiveness can have long-term effects on the mother-child relationship. Make the most of your maternity leave. Don’t let the worry about returning to work rob you of the joys of weeks or months of full-time mothering. Keep in mind, too, that the best way to prepare your baby for the time when you will be separated is to build a strong trusting relationship now.
CHOOSING AP CAREGIVERS
When I chose a nanny for my children, I made sure that she was affectionate, connecting, and an appropriately responsive person.
Attachment parenting raises your standards in selecting substitute care for your baby. Once you realize how valuable is the bond you’ve formed, you will naturally do your best not to let anything weaken it. Because AP is now part of your life, if and when you need to leave your baby, you will want to continue this attachment, not only because you need the reassurance that in your absence your baby is being attachment-parented, but also because a consistent style of care is less confusing for your baby. Also, expect your AP baby to have high standards for a sub. Here are some tips for finding an AP caregiver:
Value your first impressions. First by phone and then face-to-face, impress upon your prospective sub the importance of her nurturing your baby the way you want your baby cared for. But don’t get too specific. Find out her own nurturing values before you reveal yours, so that she doesn’t simply parrot what you want to hear.
Does she AP her own children? If she has children, go through the Baby B’s to find out how many of these she has practiced herself, especially babywearing, breastfeeding, and giving a nurturant response to a baby’s cries.
Ask probing questions. “What will you do when my baby cries?” “How will you comfort her?” “How do you feel about spoiling?” “How will you put my baby down to sleep?” While you listen to her answers, try to determine if she is basically a nurturing, sensitive, and responsive person, and if your mind-sets match. Get a feel for her knowledge of infants in general, such as by asking her, “What do you feel a baby at this age needs most?”
Listen for AP clues. Hopefully, she will ask you to describe your baby—his temperament, his particular needs, and what works and what doesn’t work with him. Watch how she interacts with your baby during the interview. Is her behavior forced or natural? Watch how your baby interacts with her. Remember, AP infants usually show a stranger discernment, so don’t rush the attachment between your baby and the sub. Simply relate to the caregiver during your interview. If your infant perceives that she is okay to you, then she is okay to baby. As you are relating to the prospective caregiver, your baby is probably getting a feel for whether she’s a Mom-approved person.
Of course, besides AP-specific questions, you want to go through a standard list for interviewing caregivers, such as health and safety concerns, smoking, whether she has had CPR training (ask to see the certificate), driving ability, accident prevention, and so on.
It’s wise to have your caregiver and baby spend some time together with you present. This gradual acquaintance not only helps baby and sub get acquainted with each other, but it allows you to model for the caregiver how you want your baby cared for. Also, leave your baby gradually, in small intervals of increasing duration. It’s unlikely that you’re going to be able to jump right into an eight-hour-a-day, forty-hour-a-week work schedule without a protest from your baby.
Show and tell. If you have a feeling that your sub is basically a nurturing person, tell her exactly how you want your baby mothered. You know what works and what doesn’t, and she needs to know this. Tell her you don’t belong to the cry-it-out crowd, and you expect your baby’s cries to be responded to in a nurturing way. Tell her that your baby is used to being carried a lot in a sling and show her how to use the sling. If your baby is used to being nursed off to sleep, show her alternatives. Your caregiver can’t breastfeed your infant off to sleep, but she can still nurse her to sleep. Remember, nursing means comforting, not only breastfeeding. So, any nurturing caregiver can nurse a baby to sleep. Tell her you want her to rock and sing your baby to sleep and to even lie next to her as she falls asleep, if that is necessary. Tell her about the nap-inducing trick of wearing down in a sling, where you wear your baby around in a sling as naptime nears and then ease her out of the sling into the crib. (For more information see Babywearing for Subs, page 79.)
The sling is the best contraption I’ve ever used. I carry my baby in it to work, around the house, and to “reattach” when I pick her up at day care.
Reconnect. When you pick your baby up at day care, enjoy a bit of cuddle time or sit and nurse your baby for a while, as the caregiver briefs you on the day’s events.
Once you’ve made your choice, go through a trial period to see if you, baby, and your sub fit. Here’s how to tell:
In a nutshell, in making a final choice, ask yourself, “Are the impressions that my baby gets from this person ones I want my baby to learn?” Is she a person you want your baby to form an attachment to?
Working and parenting.
3. Get an AP-friendly sub. When interviewing a prospective childcare provider, if she is a mother herself, inquire about whether and to what extent she practices attachment parenting. Does she seem to be a nurturing person? Ask open-ended questions, such as, “What will you do when my baby cries?” Look for an answer that reveals sensitivity toward babies, something like, “I would pick her up,” or, “I just can’t stand to let a baby cry. They seem so helpless.” Ask her how she would feel about wearing your baby around in a sling for part of the day. What kind of impressions will this person make with your baby? Is this person comfortable with attachment parenting? Ask her how she feels about “spoiling.” This will tell you if she is a baby-trainer at heart, or someone who values the concept of attachment.
A substitute caregiver is a very important part of your baby’s life. Your baby needs to be able to trust this person and even love her. Is this person’s life stable and predictable? Will she still be part of your life a year from now? Once you find the right caregiver, compliment and compensate her well.
Your return to work will be easier on you and on baby if your sub also uses the Baby B’s of attachment parenting. A sitter, of course, can’t breastfeed and won’t bring the same commitment to attachment parenting that you do. But her time with your baby will be easier and more enjoyable if she responds to your baby in ways similar to yours. This is why it’s good to have a “show-and-tell time” with your sub before you return to work. This might be several hours, a few days, or even a few weeks in which your baby’s caregiver shadows you, watching and learning about how your baby likes to be cared for. Teach your sub how to wear your baby in a sling. This familiar place and posture will help baby adapt better to his mother being away, since he’ll be contained in his favorite soft little home.
We have assumed in this discussion of working and attachment parenting that your baby will be cared for either in your home or in a family day-care situation. We believe that this is better for babies than a day-care center, where many babies are cared for in one room by a revolving staff of caregivers with varying degrees of commitment to their jobs. Babies need consistent responses from a single caregiver, not a new person every six weeks. Day care in your home or in a sitter’s home is more like being cared for by a parent, as long as the caregiver doesn’t take care of too many children at once. An on-site day-care center at your office is worth checking out, however, since the disadvantages may be offset by the proximity. With baby close by, you’ll be able to reconnect several times throughout the day.
4. Continue breastfeeding. Giving your baby your milk is a very important way of staying attached to your baby after returning to work. You are the only one who can breastfeed your baby, and continuing to breastfeed will remind you and baby that the relationship between you is unique and special. Pumping at work to maintain your milk production and to supply milk for your baby while you’re apart is challenging, but you’re rewarded with the ease and convenience of breastfeeding while you and baby are together. Continuing to breastfeed, including pumping at work, also keeps the levels of those maternal-attachment hormones high. Even leaking at work—a bit of an inconvenience should it occur—helps to remind you that you are a mother and that your baby needs you. Breastfeeding is a wonderful way to reconnect with your infant once you get home, and nursing at night makes up for touch time lost during the day. Breastfeeding also saves you money, and keeps you from missing work. Studies show that mothers who breastfeed miss fewer work days, since most breastfed infants are sick less often than formula-fed babies.
My two-year old has a reputation for being bright, affectionate, empathic, independent, adventurous, curious, fearless, secure, and happy, with a great sense of humor. He is comfortable everywhere he goes. I am convinced that these attributes are the result of attachment parenting. For instance, his request to “rock and nurse” when I come home from work in the middle of the after-noon not only affords him an opportunity to reconnect with me, but also gives me a time to relax and let go. Whatever mental/psychological benefit he is getting during this time is what truly motivates me to continue breastfeeding. I wonder how many other active, healthy two-year-old children spend quiet time doing absolutely nothing. There must be a connection between his having time to reflect while nursing and his readiness for learning and mastering all the amazingly complex bits of information continuously coming his way.
5. Plan a happy departure and a happy reunion. Feed your baby before you go to work in the morning. Have your sub encourage your infant to take a mid- to late-afternoon nap, so that baby is well rested for time together in the evening. Instruct your caregiver to try not to feed baby within the hour before you return, so that he is eager to nurse when you arrive. (Call ahead and let your caregiver know when to expect you.) When you arrive home, make reconnecting with your baby your top priority. Chores and dinner preparations can wait. Get comfortable, take the phone off the hook, and settle down with baby in your favorite nursing chair, with relaxing music playing in the background and a healthy snack on the table next to you. Let the cares of your day melt away, and focus on your baby. If you are breastfeeding, the relaxing effects of the hormones released during the feeding will help you unwind from the tensions of the day. If you are bottle-feeding, you won’t get the hormonal boost, but you’ll still enjoy relaxing with your baby and reentering full-time mothering.
Nursing my baby as soon as I get home from work helps me relax and unwind. It’s better than a cocktail.
6. Think of baby while at work. Don’t build a wall between your work life and your family. Talk to your baby’s caregiver once or twice a day by phone to find out how your baby is doing. Let your baby hear your voice on the phone. Display baby pictures prominently at your work station and talk about your baby around the office water cooler. Babies are every bit as important as Monday Night Football or the latest office gossip. If you’re breastfeeding, don’t be annoyed by inconvenient letdowns or leaking. Let these and your regular pumping schedule remind you of your baby.
You’ll run into people who advise you to shut out thoughts of your baby during the time you’re at work. They may advise you not to show pictures of your baby or even let on that you have another life as a mother. After all, if you are thinking about your baby, how can you be concentrating 100 percent on your work? The baby-training philosophy will show up at work as well, in the guise of advisers who warn you against feeling guilty about being away from your baby. There isn’t an attached mom in the world who won’t have some guilty feelings about leaving her baby. The very sensitivity that you’ve built up through attachment parenting will leave you feeling somewhat uneasy about being away from your baby. That’s normal and healthy, and it’s those feelings that motivate you to work so hard at staying attached, even while you’re away from your baby. Don’t buy into the idea of shutting out thoughts of your baby for eight hours a day. This is the beginning of a desensitizing process that will eventually put you at an emotional distance from your baby.
7. Share sleep with your baby. Bedding with your baby is a particularly valuable Baby B for working mothers, for lots of reasons. Most important is that sleep sharing allows you to reconnect with your infant at night. The physical contact helps you make up for missed touch time during the day.
Sleeping with your baby also makes breastfeeding easier. Smart breastfed babies make up for missed daytime feedings by nursing often at night. Sleep sharing makes it possible to nurse your baby frequently at night without completely waking up. This keeps mothers from becoming sleep deprived. Sleep sharing while breastfeeding helps to boost your milk supply, which is especially important for mothers who have a hard time pumping enough milk while they’re away from baby.
Studies have found an increased incidence of sleeping difficulties in children of mothers who work outside the home. Sharing sleep with your baby offsets this tendency. Your presence helps to regulate baby’s sleep and reassure him that even though there has been a change in daytime caregiving arrangements, nighttime is still “Mommy and me” time.
Babies, especially AP babies, have a way of extracting what they need from their parents, whether the parents like it or not. Watch out for this scenario. You pick your baby up at the caregiver’s around 6 P.M., and the baby-sitter exclaims, “My, what a good baby. She slept all afternoon.” You get home, and that daytime sleeper turns into a night owl. This mismatch is exhausting. Baby is tuning out the baby-sitter during the day and saving his energy for you at night. The problem is that when you go back to work, you usually need extra sleep. Nestling baby in bed next to you can help you get it. Telling the baby-sitter to place a time limit on naps will also be helpful. Even infants who previously slept well solo may need to nestle next to mother at night after she returns to work.
As a working mom, I get my full dose of my baby each day by sharing sleep.
8. Wear your baby. When you are home with your baby, spend time with your baby. Put baby in the baby sling while you fix dinner, sort mail, or do laundry. Wear your baby on weekends while you clean the house, take a walk, or go out to dinner. If you and your baby must be apart during your working hours, make sure that you are together the rest of the time. Baby-wearing naturally includes baby in your adult activities and reminds you that baby is happiest in your arms. Babywearing will also help you enjoy special moments between just baby and you—a walk outside at bedtime or even in the early morning before it’s time to go to work. Both parents can take advantage of this way to stay in touch with baby.
9. Care-share. The increased involvement of fathers has been one of the better by-products of having mothers in the workplace. Honor your husband with his share of baby care, day and night. If today’s mother is expected to share the breadwinning, today’s father should be expected to share the childcare. It’s easier for a baby to accept care by Dad after Mom returns to work if Dad has been involved in babywear-ing, diaper changing, comforting, soothing, and putting baby to sleep right from the start. Sharing the care starting at birth makes it easier to share the care once you return to work. (For attachment-fathering tips, see chapter 12.)
10. Search for an AP-friendly job. If possible, choose employment that allows you maximum time to mother. This is a time to be open to making changes in the amount of time and energy you devote to your career. You have only so much to give, and you want to be sure your baby gets what he needs. Here are some suggestions for reshaping your working life to accommodate your baby better:
Being true to yourself and to your baby is a balancing act. Ideally, you want to experience satisfaction at home and at work. Realistically, you may not be able to have everything you want from both worlds, at least not all at once. As one mother put it: “Full-time mothering was too much for me; full-time working was too much for my baby. So I cut back to part-time.”
Babies teach parents to be more realistic about their time and their abilities. This is one of the things you gain from being an attached parent. Listen to that wisdom as you make decisions about how your baby and your career fit together.
Lily, a mother in our practice, was a perfectionist, and she got a lot of strokes from her achievements at work. She had a corner office, a title on the door, respect from her colleagues, a fat paycheck, and a bunch of perks that fed her ego. Lily was blessed with a high-need baby, and these challenging babies have a way of derailing even the best-laid career plans. Realizing that because of her perfectionist tendencies she couldn’t do her best at both jobs, Lily took a leave of absence and became a full-time mother until her baby was two years of age. When she and her husband attended various social functions, most of the other women she met were juggling careers and motherhood. When she was asked the inevitable question “And what do you do?” she proudly responded, “I’m a specialist in early-childhood education.”
When I’m dying, I won’t be thinking about the corporate jets I flew on or the high-rise office I occupied. I’ll think of the children I loved and the effect my parenting had on them.
By now you’ve probably realized that we use our own children and our pediatrics practice as a sort of laboratory for learning more about real-life parenting. I have learned a lot over the years from women who have come up with their own solutions to the career-versus-motherhood dilemma. When they ask me for advice or information about going back to work, I never hesitate to urge them to get deeply attached to their babies during those first weeks of life. Everything we know about mothers and babies tells us that this is critically important to baby’s health, happiness, and development. I’m often impressed by what these mothers are willing to do to continue that attachment once it’s established.
Couples often come in to talk to me during pregnancy, as part of the process of choosing a pediatrician for their new baby. Mothers frequently mention that they plan to go back to work a few weeks or a few months after baby is born, and they ask for suggestions about how to make this plan work. I point out that one of the dangers of combining working and motherhood is distancing, where mother doesn’t let herself become too emotionally involved with her baby because of how much it might then hurt to leave baby with a caregiver and return to work. I tell mothers that the way to prevent distancing is to practice attachment parenting to the max in the early weeks. This means no bottles, no pacifiers, no substitute care to come between mother and baby. I tell them, “You might as well enjoy some full-time mothering while you can, since these six weeks of maternity leave may be the only time in your life that you have so much time to devote to your child.” Here’s what happens to these mothers after a couple of months of super-intense attachment parenting:
The two become one. Mothers now think of their baby as a part of their lives. Whereas before, they considered returning to work as the usual and normal thing to do, they now realize that it will be difficult to leave baby with another caregiver. In fact, it feels as if they are being asked to leave a part of themselves behind when they go to work.
Mothers look for ways to step off their career track. They procrastinate about going back to work and come up with various ploys for extending their maternity leave. I sometimes help them with a few tricks of my own. When I sense that a mother is grasping for some excuse to delay returning to work, I’ll ask her if she would like a medical release to extend her leave. Here is Dr. Bill’s standard letter: “Because Mrs. Smith’s baby is allergic to formula, it is medically necessary to extend her maternity leave so she can safely meet her baby’s nutritional needs.”
Lest you think that this is a little medical white lie, I should inform you that the statement above is technically correct for any baby, at least in the first six months. At this age, infants’ intestines are allergic to any food other than human milk, even though sometimes the allergic reaction is only microscopic and not enough to bother a baby. If our society as a whole had a better grasp of the concept of human milk for human babies, it would be assumed that a breastfeeding mother should not be separated from her baby.
Lifestyle changes. Because they get so hooked on their baby, these mothers make changes in their lifestyles and in their career ambitions. Some start successful Internet businesses, which allow them to work out of their homes. Some change jobs to accommodate their baby’s needs. Some decide to work part-time or negotiate flex-time arrangements with their employers. Some go into battle to change corporate maternity-leave policies and make their workplace more parent-friendly When it comes time to choose a substitute caregiver, these parents grill prospective sitters and keep looking until they find the right one. Some mothers never do go back to work and revise the family financial plans to make this possible.
What happened to these mothers? After a month or two of attachment parenting, these mothers developed a relationship with their babies that brought out the lioness in them. They were willing to do everything possible to protect this relationship. Such is the power that a baby has over a sensitive mother. The closeness between mother and baby taught these women lessons they could not have learned from a book. Baby showed mother how important she was.
I left a promising academic career to stay home when Victor was born, feeling that my career as a mother was even more promising.