M OST OF THE BABY B’S seem more about the close physical relationship between a mother and her infant. Where does this leave Father? How does a dad get attached to his baby? Don’t make the mistake of thinking that attachment parenting is just for mothers. Dads who think this way miss out on one of life’s most important experiences, one that challenges fathers to grow, mature, and put love into action. Becoming a father brings out unique nurturing skills—skills you probably didn’t even know that you had. Dads can’t breastfeed, but they can use all the rest of the Baby B’s to get to know their child well from day one. Everyone benefits when fathers are involved with their babies.
Even a dad who has never been interested in babies before can become a baby enthusiast when he has one of his own. Dads learn to care for babies the same way new mothers do—with hands-on experimentation. You can’t wait until your son is old enough to throw a football to become an involved father. If you want him to enjoy playing catch with you when he’s ten, you have to start enjoying him when he’s a baby. (The same goes for girls, including the part where they’ll need a baseball glove.) Babies know right from the start that fathers are different, and a baby whose father spends lots of time with her will appreciate that difference.
When Dad is involved, the whole family functions better. Attachment fathering makes attachment mothering easier. Dad’s knowledge of his baby helps him understand how important Mother is to baby, and this motivates him to create a supportive environment that allows Mother to devote her energy to the baby. An attached father also is ready to take a baby handoff from Mom when she is tired or needs a break. When both parents share the baby duties, mothers are able to steer clear of burnout. Both parents thrive, and so does their marriage.
I couldn’t have survived without the help of my husband.
♦ ♦ ♦
Attachment parenting has allowed his sweet, nurturing side to dominate over his macho, strict disciplinarian side. How could he be any other way? Sharing our bed with our babies and carrying them around in slings has really created a sweet, caring father who is committed to raising them in an atmosphere of love and trust.
Dads, let me share with you how I blew it with our first three babies. Our first two came while I was in pediatrics training, and the third as I was getting a practice started. At that time, I put my career ahead of everything. I believed that earning a good living was important to my family, and I thought that I would find most of my personal fulfillment in the practice of pediatrics. I grew up without a father and had no model of what it meant to be an involved father. I left the parenting to Martha—after all, she was good at it! When the boys were older, I thought, we could toss a football around, and talk baseball together during the World Series. And when my sons needed words of wisdom, I would be there to provide them.
Put children before career. I was wrong about postponing my involvement with my kids. Even as toddlers and preschoolers, my children needed me, not my resume. This finally became clear to me when I was offered the position of chief resident of pediatrics at Toronto’s Hospital for Sick Children, the largest children’s hospital in the world. This was a very prestigious position, one that would assure me lots of great job offers in the years to come. But it also meant I would have to work weekends, evenings—all the time—taking care of other people’s children and not seeing my own. I realized that this was not the life I wanted for my family. So I turned down the job, found a less demanding position elsewhere, and looked for ways to enjoy the time I now had available to spend with Martha and our two sons. We went camping a lot. We took up sailing. I got to know and enjoy our two boys, Bob and Jim, and managed to convince Martha to have another baby, our son Peter. I was more involved this time, but my education as a father was far from complete.
A child teaches an old dad new tricks. Then came our first daughter, Hayden, whose birth would change my life and whose personality inspired us to coin the term high-need baby. This bundle of energy came wired differently from our other children. She was not happy unless she was in our arms. She breastfed often and was on an unpredictable schedule. She cried when she was put down. Martha, a skilled baby tender, was exhausted from the effort it took to be Hayden’s loving mother. I had no choice about becoming a dad who carried, walked, and comforted his baby. If Hayden was not in Martha’s arms, she was in mine. On days when she nursed constantly, I had to take over with the boys when I got home from work. As I became more sensitive to her needs, Hayden grew to trust me, and Martha felt more comfortable about leaving Hayden in my care.
Martha and I got through Hayden’s baby days by working together. I realized that I had reached a new level of sensitivity and that this demanding little girl had taught me a great deal. This newfound sensitivity carried over into my relations with all my children and with my wife. Our family was functioning better than it ever had, and I was a wiser disciplinarian. Instead of being a distant dad who dispensed punishment and life advice from the safety of his den, I had learned to really know my children, especially Hayden, and as a result, I knew how to help them behave better. I realized that you can’t set limits for a child based on abstract ideas. You have to know the child well, and the child has to know and trust you if she is going to behave as you wish her to.
Bonded from birth. We had four more children after Hayden—Erin, Matthew, Stephen, and Lauren. Each one has been a growing experience for me. With Matthew in particular I made an effort to be all that I could be as a father, since we believed at the time that he would be our last baby. Or maybe I felt so close to him because I caught him as he was being born. (Martha had a fast labor, and our birth attendant didn’t get there in time.) Matthew may not remember that first touch from my quivering hands, but it’s a moment I will never forget. I wouldn’t trade it for a chance to be the quarterback at the Super Bowl.
Father nursing. With Matthew, I discovered the joys of father nursing. Martha would breastfeed Matthew, and I would hold him or carry him around in a baby sling after feedings. Why it took me six children to discover this kind of closeness I don’t know. (I hope my readers try this with baby number one!) Matthew knew that I was not Mom but another person who loved him and with whom he could feel content.
Matthew thrived on that difference. He liked being in my presence as well as in Martha’s. My newly discovered aptitude for baby comforting was also good for Martha. She became more comfortable releasing him to me, and with more time for herself, she was more relaxed and better able to care for the rest of the family. She liked watching me with Matthew—and she knew that my tenderness as a father would spill over into tenderness toward her. Even our sex life improved.
During Matthew’s first year, I moved my pediatrics practice into our remodeled garage (“Dr. Bill’s Garage and Body Shop” to my teenage patients). I took “baby breaks” during the day and was able to spend a lot of time with him. After a year, I closed my home office and moved into a nearby medical building. But even though I worked outside the home, I was still hooked on fathering. My attachment to Matthew and the rest of the family acted like a strong rubber band. It stretched enough for me to go to work, to teach, and to write. But it always pulled me back home. Also, I was careful not to stretch it so far that it would weaken or break.
From “Dada” to “Daddy” to “Dad.” Matt and I are still incredibly close. As he has moved from one stage to another, I have encountered new challenges—coaching Little League, planning activities for a den of Cub Scouts, and the like. I wouldn’t have found the time for these volunteer activities if they hadn’t mattered to Matthew, but I’ve learned a lot and have become a more patient, more balanced person from these experiences.
ATTACHMENT TIP
Watching a man nurture a baby really turns a woman on.
After Matthew, we added two more children to the Sears family pack. But my kids are not finished with me yet. My eight children are always teaching me to be a better person and a better father—because I’m there for them. Attachment fathering pays off.
During the writing of this book, I had my first opportunity to play the role of father of the bride. Our high-need baby, Hayden, grew up, and, true to form, honored us with a high-cost wedding. As I walked her down the aisle and later danced with her to the tune of “Daddy’s Little Girl,” I flashed back to those hours she spent in my arms as a fussy baby. I remembered the nights in our bed, the time spent at Martha’s breast, and all the years of high-need parenting she required of us. Here she was now, a beautiful, confident, and compassionate young woman of whom I was so proud. It was a great feeling!
Becoming attached isn’t something that happens to you. It’s something you do. I’ve learned from my own journey into attachment parenting and from what other fathers have told me that the more you put into fatherhood, the more you get out of it. Here are some attachment tips to help you get connected to your baby. Challenge yourself to put these into play, and reap the rewards in the months and years to come.
Fathering begins before birth. Fathers don’t have the physical experience of pregnancy to help them get used to the idea of having a baby around, but they can still use these nine months to get the connection started.
A custom Martha and I enjoyed during “our” pregnancies was the nightly ritual we called laying on of hands. Each night before going to bed I would put my hand on what we affectionately called the bulge, and I would talk to our baby: “Hi. This is your daddy. I love you and I’m looking forward to seeing you.” At first you may feel a little bit foolish talking to someone you can’t see, but the more you do it, the more it will seem as if your baby is really listening to you (as, in fact, she is). We know that babies can hear sounds in the womb, and some prenatal researchers believe that babies can hear Father’s voice better than Mother’s because low-pitched sounds travel more easily through the amniotic fluid. Studies have shown that babies whose fathers talked to them before birth are more interested in their fathers’ voices soon after birth. Babies have been known to turn their head and look around the delivery room, searching for the source when they hear Dad’s voice soon after birth. It’s as if baby is saying, “I know you.”
As you place your hands on your baby and touch your wife’s body, appreciate the little one growing inside her. Picturing your baby as she grows will help you feel pregnant, too. (One of the meanings of the word pregnant is full; a father can indeed feel full of love for his growing child.) If you can, accompany your wife on prenatal visits, where you can listen to your baby’s heartbeat or see that tiny body on the ultrasound screen.
ATTACHMENT FATHERING AND THE BABY B’S
Here’s how Dad can be involved in each of the seven attachment tools.
| Baby B’s | What Father Can Do |
| 1. Birth Bonding | Share the bonding time with your wife; stroke your infant, talk to him, and gaze into his face. If a medical complication separates mother and baby, stay with baby and give him father contact during the first hours of his life. (See Father-Newborn Bonding, page 49.) |
| 2. Breastfeeding | Nursing means comforting, not only breastfeeding. A father can nurse his baby using other comforting techniques. Father can also nurture the mother to make it easier for her to breastfeed. |
| 3. Babywearing | Babywearing promotes father-infant bonding and gets baby used to hanging around with Dad. |
| 4. Bedding close to baby | Support your wife by being open to this style of nighttime parenting. If it’s working, avoid putting pressure on your wife to wean baby from breast or bed. |
| 5. Belief in signal value of cries | Avoid the “fear of spoiling” mind-set. Develop unique ways of responding to baby’s cries, such as the warm fuzzy and the neck nestle (page 149). |
| 6. Balance and Boundaries | Remember, an AP mom is at high risk for giving out. She needs her mate to give to her and share the childcare. |
| 7. Beware of baby trainers | Protect your wife from advisers who undermine her confidence. Trust and support her maternal instinct. |
The laying on of hands is as important to your wife as it is to you. Women experience a lot of emotional upheaval during pregnancy. They worry about whether they’ll be a good mother and about how motherhood will change their life. When you lay a warm hand on your wife’s pregnant belly, you are not only affirming your commitment to the new baby, you are telling her that you will be there to help her care for this child you have made together. It might seem like a small thing, or something that goes without saying, but your wife will treasure this regular reassurance of your love and commitment. Martha once told me, “Every night I look forward to this special dialogue between you and our baby. Every time you embrace our baby, I feel you embrace me, too. I feel your commitment to both of us.” Repeating this ritual nightly will strengthen your commitment to being a good husband and father.
I’m hooked. I was so used to putting my hands on our baby and talking to our baby before his birth that now that he’s born I can’t go to sleep at night until I lay my hand on his warm little head and reaffirm my commitment to him as a father.
Father is more than a spectator at birth. Although early bonding research focused primarily on maternal behavior, researchers have also studied fathers’ first encounters with their new-borns. Fathers’ reactions have been described with the term engrossment. A fathers who holds his newborn baby, stares into his eyes, strokes his skin, and talks to him gets hooked. Dr. Martin Greenberg, in his book The Birth of a Father, says that these fathers feel more important in their baby’s lives and have a stronger identity as a parent. This leads them to be more involved in their baby’s care. They can be just as nurturing and capable as mothers. The earlier they start, the more competent they feel. New-borns have an incredible ability to draw parents magnetlike toward them. Get in there and get your hands on your baby, so that baby can work her magic on you.
Everyone knows about maternity leave, but few realize the importance of dads not hurrying back to work so soon after baby is born. Take as much time off as you can, so that you can care for your wife and get to know your baby in a relaxed way. You need more than a few days to get connected. The busywork of your job will still be there when you get back, but your baby is a newborn for only a few short weeks. If you can, when your baby is small, limit the amount of extra work you do. Cut back on evening meetings and out-of-town travel. Both your wife and your baby need your presence and support during the first year. Now is a good time to get in the habit of taking your family’s needs into account when you plan your work schedule.
You get to know another adult by talking together and by sharing experiences. You get to know babies by holding them—and by sharing experiences. A baby’s language is made up of sounds and movement, grimaces, and body tension and relaxation. When you hold your baby in your arms or wear your baby in a baby sling, you tune in to all these subtle means of communication. The more you share this experience of closeness, the better you and baby will understand one another.
The warm fuzzy. Skin-to-skin contact feels good to baby and to dads, especially in the early months. Try the warm fuzzy to help your baby drift off to sleep. Drape your diaper-clad baby over your bare chest with his ear near your heart. You can do this while lying down or while relaxing in your favorite recliner. Your heartbeat, the rise and fall of your chest as you breathe, and the warm air from your nose moving over baby’s scalp will soothe baby and lull him into a sound sleep. The skin contact makes this position feel extra good. Baby will enjoy this masculine alternative to mother’s breast. Dads are different—but baby will learn that’s okay.
The neck nestle. Another favorite position of dads and babies is the neck nestle. Hold baby against your chest with his head snuggled in under your chin. His head will rest against your larynx, and baby will feel comforting vibrations The warm fuzzy. as you talk or sing in a low voice. Dads excel at comforting baby in this position, since the male voice is lower and the vibrations that make the sound are stronger. This is no time to imitate the three tenors or to sing rock and roll in a screeching falsetto. Sing “Ol’ Man River,” or another tune that rumbles in the throat and chest. Or make up your own words and music. It doesn’t have to be fancy. Here’s a lyric that worked for me:
Go to sleep, go to sleep
Go to sleep my little baby.
Go to sleep, go to sleep
Go to sleep, my little girl.
The warm fuzzy
Baby will enjoy the repetitive words, the music, and the gentle rumbling beneath your Adam’s apple.
Start at the bottom. Most men realize that to climb the corporate ladder they have to start at the bottom. Attachment fathering works the same way. Baby’s bottom is your entrance point. So why should Dad get stuck with the dirty work? Because diapering is yet another way to interact with your baby and get to know her better. After all, it’s the nitty-gritty shared experiences of life that draw a family together. If you want to know your child well, you’ve got to be around for more than just playtime. And besides, changing baby, bathing baby, and dressing baby all present opportunities for play and interaction. Do the math: during the first two to three years, your baby will need around five thousand diaper changes. If you do even 20 percent of these diaper changes, that’s a thousand chances to interact with your baby. Your newborn won’t know if you can’t tell the back of the diaper from the front, but she will recognize that she is being handled gently and with love. Starting at the bottom, literally, helps you work your way into your child’s affections and establish yourself in an executive, in-charge position.
The neck nestle.
Baby slings aren’t just for mothers. Slings work for dads, too (and if you don’t like the floral print on your wife’s sling, get one of your own in a more masculine color or design). Using a baby sling to carry your baby gets you in the mind-set that baby belongs wherever you are. Put baby in the sling and go for a walk when you get home from work. You’ll be able to unwind, and Mom will get a much-needed break. Or get up early in the morning and snuggle baby into the sling while you make breakfast and read the paper. Our nine-month-old Matthew was so accustomed to his daily time in the sling with me that all I had to do was say the word go, and Matthew would crawl over to the door where the sling was hanging and reach up for it. I’d put the sling on, put him in it, and off we’d go for a daily “Daddy and me” stroll on the beach.
When your baby is tiny, use the sling to help you support her in the neck nestle position (see page 149). With baby snuggled close to you, you can sing and sway or dance her into a sound sleep while continuing to watch the football game on television. The familiarity of the baby sling combined with the comfort of the neck nestle can make Dad a hero during baby’s dinner hour fussiness (what we call happy hour) or when it’s time to get the reluctant sleeper to bed. Not only will you get connected to your baby, you will also win points with your wife.
Most new mothers do not have a lot of confidence in their own baby-tending wisdom. They may put a lot of energy into appearing to be self-assured, but underneath, they are not so sure. Because they love their babies and are trying so hard to do what’s right, they are very vulnerable. Conflicting advice can undermine the confidence of even the best of mothers. One of your most important jobs as a dad is to support your wife’s mothering. Fend off preachers of bad baby advice.
If you sense that outside advice is upsetting your wife even a little, put a stop to it, even if the baby-raising tips come from your own mother. It’s easier to do this if you yourself have a strong commitment to attachment parenting. But even if you have a few doubts, stick with your wife’s instincts. There are times in parenting when dads have to trust mothers. Mother is the one with the close biological relationship to your child. Don’t get in the way as she listens and responds to your baby’s needs. If you trust her, she will trust herself more, and everyone will be happier. Remembering to say things like “I think that you are just the mother our baby needs” will pay off. Your child will have a better mother, and you will have a happier wife.
Even though I can’t breastfeed our baby, I can do a lot to make it easier for my wife to breastfeed more successfully.
Whether it’s mastering the art of diapering, understanding toddler language, or soothing a fussy baby in the middle of the night, being a dad means you have to stretch and grow. Be open to trying new things for the sake of your child. Mothers may provide much of the security and reassurance children need; dads can bring novelty and fun. Become involved in your child’s activities. Don’t be a distant dad—get down on the floor and play Sometimes take the lead and suggest new games, but be sure to spend lots of time letting your child lead the activities. When you take time to play what your preschooler wants to play, you build his self-esteem and let him know that you love him no matter what.
As your children get older, you can know and enjoy them more by getting involved with their sports teams, scouting programs, school activities—the possibilities are endless. Volunteer to coach your child’s favorite sport, or try a stint as scoutmaster. You don’t have to be an expert, you just have to be there and be willing to learn. You’re smarter and more skilled than the kids you’re leading (well, most of them). I remember coaching Matthew’s soccer team when he was six. I knew nothing about soccer and didn’t think I liked the sport, but Matthew didn’t know that. All he knew was that his dad cared enough to get involved. Years later, I coached eight-year-old Lauren’s soccer team at a time when some distance had developed between us. All those practices and games gave us an opportunity to reconnect.
You will learn a lot about kids in general and your child in particular when you get involved with coaching and other activities. Realize that most other parents who volunteer for these positions don’t know any more about what they’re doing than you do. As a scoutmaster, I learned a valuable principle in childcare: KISMIF—keep it simple, make it fun.
In order to guide and discipline your children, you have to know them. And to know them, you have to be involved in their care. All of the attachment tips outlined above are aimed at helping you know your child better. As you open yourself to your baby and respond sensitively to baby’s language, you will begin to identify what makes your baby happy and what is hard for her. As you support your wife’s mothering, you’ll gain insights from her into what makes your child tick. Knowing your child well is not a difficult goal to attain. You just have to listen and respond (and perhaps let go of a few preconceived notions about babies sleeping through the night or playing quietly alone in their cribs).
If you let this openness and knowledge of your child develop, you will be able to discipline your child in a way that is sensitive and intuitive. You will have fewer struggles, fewer occasions when you lock horns. You will know how to motivate your child to do what you want him to do. You’ll also learn to recognize what your child is capable of doing, and what you cannot expect him to do yet.
I can guide our children effectively because I know them. They obey me because they trust me. My own experience as a dad and a pediatrician has convinced me that many fathers have a tough time with discipline because they are not connected to their kids. Their children may obey them out of duty or fear, but these kids are not becoming self-disciplined individuals. If you want your children to internalize your values, you have to know and respect what is going on inside them. This process begins already in the first year of life, as you listen and respond to baby cries.
Mothers and fathers parent differently, and our children profit from that difference. Fathers are not mere pinch hitters, a second-best substitute for mother, not even in the early days when mother has comforting breasts and father has only a bony shoulder. There is nothing optional about father involvement. Studies have shown that much about the way children turn out depends on Dad, for better or for worse. In the first year of your child’s life, when baby has an intense attachment to mother, it can be easy to forget this.
In my pediatrics practice I meet older fathers who come in with their wives for well-baby checkups. These are men on their second marriages, and many express regrets that they were not more involved in the lives of their older children. Now at midlife, with their priorities in order, they want to spend more time with their children from their first marriage, but these children don’t have time for them. Now, with new babies, they are determined not to miss anything, because they know they need this solid foundation to carry them through the years ahead. Take your cue from these dads and plan now to have no regrets later. Kids pass through each stage only once.
The plight of the working mother gets lots of attention, but what about the working father? Most men must be away from their children for forty hours or more each week to keep a roof over the family’s head and food on the table. Being a good provider is important, but so is staying connected to your kids. Juggling all it takes to achieve both these goals is a challenge.
For me, this challenge takes the form of balancing the time I spend with the children in my home and the time I spend writing books and taking care of the children in my practice. I love doing them all, and being available is an important part of being both a pediatrician and a father. I spent a year working out of a pediatrics office in my home. I let my children know that I was moving my office into our home so that I could be closer to them, although I also impressed upon them that while I was there, I would be working, not playing. What a revelation! I realized that traveling to my job every day may have been exhausting, but it was also therapeutic. I missed the camaraderie of the office. My social world had become just my family. Discovering just how important the social interactions of the workplace were to me helped me understand the adjustment women go through when they leave a career behind to stay home alone with a baby all day long. This experience also helped me recognize what a temptation it is for a father to escape into his job and put less effort into home life than into his career.
LET DADS LEARN TO BE DADS
Mothers, remember that men may not learn to read baby’s signals as quickly or as instinctively as women do. Give your husband time and space to learn how to comfort and care for your baby. Picture this scenario: You’re in the other room, and Dad is looking after baby. Baby starts to fuss and then to cry. You wait for a minute, hoping Dad can solve baby’s problem, but as the cry escalates, you rush in and offer a stream of advice, even as you are preparing to rescue the fussy baby from fumbling Daddy. You may have the best of intentions, but stop and consider what kind of messages you are sending. You’ve let your husband know that you think he’s inept—a belief he may share, though he doesn’t benefit from having you point it out to him. And you give your baby the message that there really is something to be anxious about when he’s in Dad’s care. Instead of rushing in, hold your hormones a bit and give Daddy and baby a few minutes to work things out. Get yourself out of earshot if that’s what it takes.
Whenever you can, set up Dad and baby to succeed at being happy with one another. Leave baby in Dad’s care after a good feeding and at a time of day when baby is generally in a good mood. Get out of the house and let Dad and baby have some time together. Take a walk, or go shopping. If you let Dad know that you believe he can care for “your” baby, he’ll live up to your expectations. Dads can come up with unique and interesting comforting measures in a pinch.
It is important for your child to know where your priorities are. Even though you may need to work away from home, your child should understand that your home is more important. Being absent by necessity is pardonable; being absent by choice is not. Here are some ways to keep your connection to your family strong, even when you are apart:
It’s unfortunate that the years when children are young are often the same years when fathers feel they must give 110 percent to their job in order to build a career. Remember, though, that ten years from now, there will still be career opportunities open to you. They may not be the same opportunities, but there will be some. Your baby, however, will be a baby no longer.
When Dad is on the road. Staying connected is even more difficult when Dad travels. It is especially challenging for dads in the military or in other jobs that keep them away from home for a long time. One of the side effects of the attachment style of fathering is that both father and child feel the loss when they are apart. A baby who is very attached to Dad is likely to protest when the object of his attachment goes away. Parents notice effects like these when Dad is away:
Don’t be disturbed if your baby or small child gives you the cold shoulder when you return. This is only temporary. It takes time for baby to get over the confusion and anger associated with your absence and to adjust to your return. The first time I experienced this reaction I was devastated. I walked in the door after being away for several days, and instead of a “happy to see me” reaction, our one-year-old acted as if he couldn’t care less. After a while I picked him up and walked with him and began to sing his favorite song. He perked up, and we were finally reunited. After a separation—even one that’s only the length of a workday—you may have to woo your baby back into trusting you.
Phone home. Parenting is ideally a two-person job. If you travel a lot, keep in touch. Your wife needs your support and affection even when you are gone. Phone your family frequently and talk to everyone. Let your children know you miss them and love them. Even a baby can respond to hearing Dad’s voice over the phone. Tell your kids what you are doing, and when you’ll be home, and be sure to listen patiently as they tell you about themselves. You might consider taking your family with you when you travel. Babies are very portable and travel very easily. Home to a tiny baby is where Mom and Dad are, whether it’s your house or a distant hotel room.
When I had to travel when our infants were young, I would leave behind an 8 x 10 photo of me that Martha put next to the bed. When baby awoke in the morning he would see Mommy—and me. You can also make tapes for your children to play while you’re gone. Sing a favorite song or tell a story. Nowadays, with computers and e-mail, there’s no excuse for not staying in touch with your family. You can send messages, pictures, even recordings instantly. Be creative and use all your fancy business-communication devices to stay in touch with the people who are most important to you.
“All she does is nurse.” “She’s too attached.” “That baby is hanging on her all day, and now she wants to sleep with the baby.” “We need to get away together, alone.” “We haven’t made love for weeks.” These are actual statements from dads who truly care about their wives and babies. Yet they are feeling left out, confused, and lonely. Fathers who don’t yet understand AP can identify with these emotions, since they are a common part of the new father experience. It’s perfectly normal to want more of your wife’s attention than you are getting. It’s also normal and healthy for her to be so intensely involved with your baby. But since your feelings and your wife’s seem to be headed into conflict, take them as a sign that some adjustments need to be made. Babies need parents who are happy.
The hormonal changes a woman goes through after birth explain why mothers are so attached to their babies and apparently uninterested in their mates. Before pregnancy, women’s hormonal cycles prompt them to be interested in sex. This, after all, is how eggs get fertilized. After the baby is born, maternal hormones take over, since nature is now interested in making sure that this little baby gets the care she needs to survive. Mothers enjoy breastfeeding and caring for their babies.
Much of the energy that your wife previously directed toward you has been redirected toward your baby, as a result of your wife’s instinctual urge to mother. Her body is telling her that she should focus on the little one in her arms. During the time that this infant is exclusively nursing, your wife will most likely be infertile (nature’s way of pointing out that another baby too soon would hurt this one’s chances to survive and thrive). Because she is not ovulating, she may have little interest in sex.
Some mothers, for all kinds of reasons, react more strongly than others to what’s going on inside of them hormonally If your wife seems totally involved with the baby, don’t panic. This does not mean that your infant has taken your place in your wife’s affections or that you must compete with baby for her attention. It simply means you have to wait. This is your wife’s season to master mothering. She is loving you by loving and caring for your child. In time, her focus will return to you, and if you are an involved and supportive father in the early months, her energy will probably turn your way sooner.
WHEN FATHER AND MOTHER DON’T AGREE
I’m using attachment parenting with my three-month-old baby. Baby is happy, and so am I but my husband is sure I’m spoiling our son. He wants our child to be more independent so we can go out more often.
Attachment parenting works best when both parents agree that it is best for baby. Disagreements about parenting style can cause problems in a marriage and create distance between husband and wife.
If your husband feels this way, you need to talk with him to find out why. Perhaps the way you are mothering your baby is unfamiliar to him. He may come from a family where babies were left in cribs to cry. His friends or his own family may be telling him that you are spoiling your baby. Or he simply may not understand that your baby will become more independent as he grows up.
Explain to your husband why you are practicing attachment parenting. You know best which of the many benefits will appeal to him. Reassure him that the high-maintenance baby stage does not last forever. Above all, let your husband know that he is very important to your baby, and encourage him to get in on the babywearing and the responding to baby’s cries. You want attachment parenting to feel right to him, too.
Finally, husbands often criticize attachment parenting when they are feeling left out. Attached mothers can be so busy with their babies that they inadvertently leave Dad to watch from the sidelines. You can do something about this situation. Talk to your husband and tell him that you have not lost interest in him. Think of ways that you can show him your affection, and make these a priority every day. Share with him how tired you feel, and suggest ways for him to share in the baby care and household routine, so that you can have energy left over for your life as a couple.
Finding time and opportunity to enjoy one another’s company can be difficult when there are babies and small children in the family. Here are some tried-and-true suggestions from couples who have been there:
Dr. Bill notes: One time a couple came in for counseling because Mom was so attached to baby that the couples attachment was weakening. When I advised that they have a night out to themselves, Mother looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language, while Dad gave me an enthusiastic “Yes!”
What children need most is two happy parents. If Mom and Dad aren’t doing well as a couple, this unhappiness filters down to the kids. Sometimes you may have to say no or wait to your baby (once you’re past those early months), so that you can say yes to your relationship with your spouse. It’s okay not to be a 100 percent perfect attachment parent.
If your parenting style is causing serious problems in your marriage—problems that the two of you can’t seem to resolve—consider counseling. You may need the help of a professional in finding ways to meet your individual needs and each other’s needs, as well as those of your baby.
One of the other reasons that mothers seem to tune out fathers in the early weeks is fatigue. By the time a woman cares for her baby and does what’s necessary to keep the household running, she wants nothing more than to sleep, or to have some time to herself with no demands placed on her.
My need for sleep is greater than his need for sex.
If you do what you can to lighten her load, she’ll have more energy for you. Do you want her to clean up the kitchen after baby is in bed? Or do you want her to spend that time with you? If you prefer option two, then you would be wise to clean the kitchen yourself as she nurses baby down to sleep. Helping out in whatever way you can will stimulate your wife’s interest in you.
On those seemingly rare occasions in the early months when the two of you manage to connect sexually, you’ll find that sex is not the same as it was before baby. You may be holding your wife’s body in your arms, but part of her mind is monitoring baby. It seems, too, that baby checks in on his parents as well. Many couples are certain that their infant has a built-in romance alarm. Mom and Dad finally find a time to get together, and no sooner do things start to heat up than baby awakens, cries, and needs a response. This may not kill the mood for you, Dad, but it will instantly kick your wife from lover mode into mother mode. You can’t compete, and you’re better off not trying. Don’t get angry. Instead reassure your wife that you agree that baby’s needs come first. Go retrieve your baby and give her to Mom to nurse. Then snuggle in with mother and baby. You and your wife might not get back to making love that night (although you never know), but your tender concern will earn you points that you can cash in later.
Nothing matures a man like becoming a father. Fatherhood forces you to put someone else’s needs first on a regular basis. You learn to accept delayed gratification. You become more disciplined yourself in order to guide your children well. Above all, becoming an attached father will make you more sensitive to your children, to your wife, and to others as well.
For mothers only. Remember, Mom, that while your hormones are changed by birth and motherhood, your partner’s are not. You may have little interest in sex in the months after baby is born, but your husband needs reassurance that you still care about him. He can’t know how you feel unless you tell him. Be sure to convey to your husband that your lack of interest in sex during those early months is no reflection on your love for him. Then, when you can, make an effort to rekindle the romance. Here’s how one mother in our practice balanced her attachment to her baby and her attachment to her husband.
Susan and her husband were blessed with a high-need baby who awakened frequently at night. Because Dad needed his sleep, he moved out of the bedroom when baby was about one month old and spent most nights on the living room couch. Susan recognized that everyone had nighttime needs, so she would occasionally tiptoe into the living room and surprise her husband after baby had fallen into a deep sleep. These midnight visits did wonders to help Dad accept Susan’s attached nighttime parenting.
