What is this world and crazy movie business coming to I wondered? Cannes, ⁵ the premiere film festival in the world, the most international one of them all, and they’d chosen a Disney animated film for their prestigious opening slot! Had they become so corporate? Was the economy so bad that Cannes couldn’t even afford to invite human actors to walk the red carpet? I mused about this state of affairs as I began jogging through the streets of Queens to make it to the Troma office in time for the start of the interview. I started panting in the humidity of the spring rain.

⁵ The Cannes Film Festival is where Billy Baxter* would introduce me to Robert Altman and other stars. Billy and I would get drunk, he’d get into a fistfight, and I’d get into a hooker and get V.D. The festival is where I met Rossellini, Goddard, Chabrol and John Wayne Bobbitt.*Billy “Silver Dollar” Baxter, a larger-than-life character, directed the documentary Diary of the Cannes Film Festival starring Rex Reed. Billy was infamous for both his generosity and his outrageousness; he got his nickname from the American silver dollars he bestowed as tips during the festival. He arrived at Cannes with 2,000 of them, which he had to ship ahead of time. As Roger Ebert said, “Billy Baxter was the epicenter of the festival for many people. His gift was that he cut through the crap.”

Suddenly, my ass buzzed.

Ahhhh, I thought. That feels good. D’oh! I pulled out my vibrating BlackBerry from my back pocket and squinted at a text message from Evan as I kept jogging to get to the interview in time: “Office is PAST Crescent Street.” Dammit. Apparently the whole Troma staff knows I can’t always find my way to work in Long Island City. ⁶

⁶I grew up in Manhattan, which has an idiot-proof grid of street numbers so you can’t get lost. Long Island City is the opposite!

I looked up. Up! “Heh-heh,” I said weakly, under my breath. No Disney pun intended. The sign read “Crescent Street.” I was in luck. My watch said 11:38 a.m. and the interview was in seven minutes. I was just going to make it.

I hurried up the stairs double-time and Matt handed me the phone with the journalist on the other end. “Is this Lloyd Kaufman?”

“Yes!” I said, breathlessly. “This is Lloyd Kaufman.

“Well,” the voice from the Times asked, “Tell me more about you and The Toxic Avenger Musical!”

The interview went on and on and was a great success, at least from my vantage point. ⁷ Just as I hung up the phone, I knocked over yesterday’s cup of tea. While hurriedly cleaning my incredibly messy desk⁸ and digging down through layers of paper to wipe up all of the liquid, I discovered a letter with another, older distinct brown tea ring adorning it, hidden under piles of pieces of unopened mail and junk postmarked several days earlier. It’s a good thing I am a klutz and spilled the tea, or I never would have come across this letter!

⁷An impressive article about The Toxic Avenger Musical did run. It took up a half-page of the Sunday Arts & Leisure section. Nowhere did it mention Lloyd Kaufman or Troma!

⁸ My desk is piled high with useless stuff—old papers, food, collectibles that fans send, Troma special effects props, books, scripts and more. It looks like a 14-year-old boy’s bedroom.

The return address was marked “The White House.” Holy shit! President Barack Obama was sending me a letter?! Had he gotten my letter, I wondered? Had he actually read it? I tore open the envelope, half in eager anticipation, half in disbelief:

The White House

Long Island City, NY 11106

Dear Mr. Kaufman,

Thank you for your letter and for making time in your busy day to write to me about your concerns facing young producers and young Americans. As president of the United States, it is my hope that we can begin to address the needs of the “little guy/gyno” in all industries, so that your voices are not stifled. My administration wants to provide a safe haven in this country from which to create and view art.

Following your visionary example, Lloyd (I think we’re both cool enough to address each other on a first-name basis), I myself have done my best to make use of modern-day technology to communicate to the nation. I take pride in updating my Facebook status and choosing my brackets for March Madness online. But most of all, I am proud that the Executive Branch has gotten behind me in producing my own damn presidential addresses via YouTube.

I’ve given a lot of thought to your situation, Lloyd, and I think that other young ⁹ producers will make use of this wonderful platform as well, for there is still so much unexplored territory. You should encourage them. Independent artists look to you to lead the way. You are my favorite film director. You are so hot. You could turn me to that love that darest not speak its name. ¹⁰

⁹ HA HA HA! The Prez thinks I am young!

¹⁰ EDITOR’S NOTE: Oy vey, Lloyd, times 10. You will burn in hell for this.

Thank you for the tickets to the premiere of The Toxic Avenger Musical. Michelle and I would love to attend the show (especially because of our interest in all things ecologically enlightening), but we will probably be wiped out completing our first 100 days in office in only 72 days. They also just told me that The Beast ¹¹ would have trouble navigating Manhattan streets (not to mention all the comp tickets your producer would have to offer my Secret Service boys and gynos). I will, however, make sure that Air Force One and an F-14 buzzes around Manhattan, the Statue of Liberty, and Ground Zero to promote The Toxic Avenger Musical. Aretha Franklin dared me.

¹¹The Beast is President Obama’s extremely secure, souped-up vehicle.

Thank you as well for the Poultrygeist DVD. It is an egg-cellent flick. We were hoping to share it with Sasha and Malia when they turn 18 38, but we lent it to Hillary and she refuses to return it.

See you on Twitter. Please follow me.

Respectfully,

Barack H. Obama

President of the United States

P.S. As a fellow brother, I am happy to hear that you, Lloyd, who were raised as a poor black dirt farmer, have come so far with your life.

P.P.S. Although I am the coolest president ever, I think your use of the term “butt fucking” was inappropriate in a letter to the President. Next time, I suggest you use the more politically correct phrase “ass pirate.”

Well, that was really nice of President Obama to take time to write me back! He was right. I need to encourage young producers to use all media, and especially the Internet.

Troma’s had enormous success with promoting our movies online. And thanks to YouTube, I’ve been delivering my own damn chairman (of IFTA) address direct to people’s computer screens, defining media consolidation and doing my damnedest to stop the homogenization and suppression of independent art by the vertically integrated media conglomerates!

Thanks to the Internet, short-form entertainment is staging a big comeback. So maybe you can produce your own damn short film, post it on YouTube, get a million views and attract the attention of mainstream producers who are scouring the Internet looking for talent. Years ago, Trey Parker and Matt Stone used an ingenious viral method of getting a production deal for the South Park TV series before the Internet became the Internet. When Trey and Matt were trying to get a producing deal for South Park, they told me they sent about 800 copies of their home-made pilot for South Park to those they considered powerful people in the Hollywood media industry. They did this anonymously. Soon, there was a big buzz about this mysterious, hilarious, primitive-looking, cut-out-style cartoon called “Spirit of Christmas.” The result was that Trey and Matt got to produce their own damn animated Comedy Central smash hit series.

We can view movies these days on screens no larger than 2 inches wide by 2 inches tall. Maybe you can tell stories in three-minute episodes, then edit and upload them to the Net. Once something goes viral, it has the potential to receive hundreds, thousands, even millions of views. Your independent production can live on through the Web and you may develop a following or, like me, a loyal collection of fans. ¹² At Troma, we have created many shorts and put them on the Internet to entertain as well as to call attention to our many feature-length movies.

¹²Not just fans, but air conditioners, too.

The music video is another short form that can help you work your way up to producing feature films. The music video is really a kind of mini-movie in itself—a showcase for your talent. The first music video I directed was for the Luna Chicks. One of the Luna Chicks acted in Terror Firmer and her record company thought that if my name was on the music video as director, their song “Say What You Mean” would get on MTV. In 1999, MTV was still a big deal. Nowadays, no one even really cares about MTV, a television station on which very little, if any, actual music is played. But now bands produce those videos and put them up on YouTube. If you direct one, anyone and everyone can go and view your work. And, most important, except for nudity, there is virtually no censorship, as there is on TV. I’ve produced/directed ¹³ videos for Not the Government, Entombed, Korable, Purple Pam, Dingelberry Dynasty, Faggot, Municipal Waste, New Found Glory and others. Some made it to TV, and they’re all on YouTube. All I have been asking is that bands allow me to shoot their clips on some form of celluloid, ¹⁴ which I know doesn’t sound very high-tech. So I’m old-fashioned. I like the texture of film! Nobody’s perfect! ¹⁵

¹³I usually do not get paid. I do it because the band’s music and enthusiasm move me. If the band is rich, like Municipal Waste and New Found Glory are, then I get paid.

¹⁴ The Faggot video was shot on Super 8mm, which did not cost much and looks cool!

¹⁵ I am sure that I’ll be directing music videos on some kind of digital format soon, however. I am really starting to like the new video cameras! …and they seem to like me, too!

Figure 9.2.

Night Flight Comics in Salt Lake City, winner of the Will Eisner (the equivalent of an Oscar in comic-book land), is a 10-year sponsor of the TromaDance Film Festival. The fourth Jonas brother is pictured far left.

Joe Lynch Likes Makin’ Music (Videos)

Who is Joe Lynch?

By Joe Lynch

Joe Lynch is a producer/director who got his start at Troma as a grip¹⁶and background actor on Terror Firmer and worked his way up to 2nd unit director (an arduous task involving the careful choreography of hundreds of unpaid background actor persons on any Troma set) and Troma staff writer. An avid horrorfilm fan, he went on to direct music videos and made his directorial feature film debut with Wrong Turn 2. Like Gabe Friedman, he now works for G4, an American cable and satellite television channel geared toward male viewers aged 12–28 and devoted to the gaming and technology world. G4 has televised many a Troma movie. He will be directing his next film in New York City and plans to give me an acting role.

¹⁶ A “grip” refers to the guy or gyno who moves things on a set like a camera, lights, cables, his bowels, etc. There were only two grips on the set of Terror Firmer.“Grip” is not to be confused with “gripe,” of which there were many on the set of Terror Firmer.

Fox saw a music video I had done that cost me literally $1K, for a band called Strapping Young Lad, where I took the band and I put them in Evil Dead, ¹⁷ because Evil Dead is one of my favorite horror movies¹⁸ and the singer and I shared a mutual love for that film—I said to him, “What if we put you in the house from Evil Dead?” Long story short, they liked it, we did it and it was a big hit on Headbanger’s Balland the guys at Fox saw it and said, “Hmm, he must know about horror movies,” and based on that, they offered me the opportunity to direct Wrong Turn 2.

¹⁷Evil Dead (1981), one of the all-time scariest movies, was written and directed by Sam Raimi and starred Bruce Campbell, Ellen Sandweiss and Betsy Baker. Evil Dead is not to be confused with Dead Evil: The Richard Nixon Story.

¹⁸ Terror Firmer is probably Joe’s favorite film of all time, but it is not a horror movie.

What I did was over-prepare in my presentation pitch to the studio—and this is something I recommend to every filmmaker—you can never be too prepared for anything, I don’t care if anybody says, “You don’t need to bring anything except your enthusiasm.” Fuck that nonsense. Go in with storyboards, a trailer, have the whole movie cut in your head. I went in there and had storyboards for the first scene of Wrong Turn 2 and I mean literally had them all nicely boarded and everything and they were like, “Whoa, holy shit, we had no clue you were going to be this prepared for it.” I was communicating just how passionate I was about making the movie. They later admitted, “Boy, we took a real risk with you.” But when they saw the movie, they were really happy with it.

I’ve done about twelve music videos now, and believe me, I wish I could do more. I love the music video form, I love taking visuals and music and putting them together. I did my first music video through Troma with this band called Godhead. They were featured on the Terror Firmer soundtrack. Lloyd said to me: “These guys want Troma to produce a video, can you direct it?” I said “Of course! I have Troma’s two video cameras right here, why not?” and we ended up making a really sweet video for a total budget of $40 and I’m really proud of it. That video got me a bunch more videos. That’s how it works. ¹⁹ A lot of times, you have to be your own producer on those projects. I had to set up my own company to produce my music videos, because I didn’t have anyone else to back me. I would just have these bands that came to me saying, “We loved that metal show you did, can you do a video for us?” or “Hey, I liked that video you produced for Troma, can you produce one for us?” It was a snowball effect.

¹⁹ FOOTNOTE GUY: We started reading Marianne Williamson, too, Lloyd! She says that “Just as work begets work … ”**INDEX GYNO: “ … love begets love.” This is our new philosophy in the production company we’re forming. We are going to go out and produce our own damn tiny music video and put it here in the margins.****FOOTNOTE GUY: Of course that means there will only be room for a two-second song.

I was my own manager, I was my own producer, I was my own director, I was my own editor—I did it all. My wife was my DP. It was those projects that allowed me to really hone my craft in editing, in shooting, and especially producing. When you’re given a budget and told “Here’s when it’s due,” that’s it. That’s all you get from the studio or the label. You have to create content out of thin air. That’s where being a producer is key. That’s when you sit there and say to yourself, “Okay, I need to solidify my contract, deal with the insurance forms, take care of all the details.” And knowing how to do all that is so essential, because then when someone tells you, “No, that’s not possible,” you already know the process. You can tell them, “Fuck you, yes I can!”²⁰ I’ve been doing those videos for eight or nine years now and they feel like short film productions to me. That’s because I was involved in every single part of the process from writing all the way down through the moment I delivered the tape to the label. I know how to make it all work. And that is how I know how to produce.

²⁰It is a little known fact that while running for president, Barack Obama borrowed Joe Lynch’s now-famous slogan and modified it to “Yes we can!”

I made a right turn working for Troma and ended up with Fox’s Wrong Turn 2!

Moviemaking in the 21st century has become something that is utterly extraordinary. The availability of high quality high-def equipment at relatively inexpensive prices (compared to that of film and 35mm cameras), coupled with the immediacy of the Internet, is creating a tidal wave of new creativity. It is my hope that this tidal wave becomes a tsunami of brilliant creative producing that floods this big blue marble of ours with its diversity. Now, finally, we can all go out and produce our own damn movies, totally in control of our own content! When I started in the business 40 years ago, hardly anyone could produce his, her or its own damn movie. It was too damn expensive. Remember way back in this book how I talked about how my film Battle of Love’s Return made in 1970 cost $8K? That was a rock-bottom budget then. But $8K in 1970 dollars would be equal to over $100K today, taking into account inflation, and Battle of Love’s Return was technically ass. Not many people have $100K today to blow on their first movie! So, how nice that you can use a $500 HD camera from Best Buy, along with your computer to produce a movie that looks 10,000 times better than Battle of Love’s Return for practically nothing! Also, had I had access to the Internet’s Mandy.com or Craigslist.org in 1970, I could have assembled a much better cast and crew and, again, using the Internet, maybe even found some free “production stress-reducing clips” instead of having to use my very expensive (in those days) Penthouse magazines.

Today, there is a ready, willing and able audience available to you on the Internet—you can reach Mumbai, India; Adelaide, Australia; Okinawa, Japan; and all the little towns and villages in between. People don’t need to haul their asses to a movie theatre or a video rental store—the DVDs get mailed to your house or the movie will be on the Internet or some “On Demand” cable channel pretty soon. Why shell out $12.50 (the cost of one movie ticket in most New York City movie theatres) when there’s plenty of untapped entertainment just waiting for you at the tip of your fingers on any computer keyboard?

Moreover, this is a sound-byte culture. Anything Paris Hilton or the President says (usually in that order) is instantly broadcast, scrutinized and dissected around the world. Today, there is no “how to” holy grail for producing movies. We live in a world that is rapidly changing. I’ve been producing movies for more than 40 years and I have tried to change the way I work and adapt with the times. You, too, have to adapt and find your own way into this business, whether it’s taking shitty jobs on other people’s shitty movies or at other people’s production companies, or skipping a liberal arts education and forking over the cash for some fancy film-school degree, or just going out with your own camera and peeps to produce a 3-minute “calling card”²¹ movie. I just traveled to Bechtelsville, Pennsylvania to play a lawyer who gets disemboweled in Ted Moehring’s giallo²² feature film, Bloodbath in theHouse of Knives. Ted has his own studio comprised of exactly three lights, a microphone, a boom pole and a Canon HD camera. The cost was under $2K for all of this, and he has been renting out the equipment to make back some of his investment. He needs nothing more. He can remain in Bechtelsville, Pennsylvania, wherever that is, and produce all his own damn movies. Also, he will use the Internet to promote his film to the many giallo fan sites, so he has a built-in audience. Because his entire production budget is also only $2K, Ted will distribute his own film himself over the Internet and at horror conventions and can probably make a profit.

²¹ A “calling card”* movie is usually a short one that is slick and is made to appeal to studio executives—much like the way a cheap piece of shiny metal will attract magpies.*It is important to know that this type of calling card will not help you make a call to the studio that forgot to leave your pass at the gate and left you sweating in your bar mitzvah suit.

²² Giallo means “yellow” in Italian and is a type of Italian film directed by folks like Lucio Fulci, Dario Argento and Mario Bava. Giallo films are based on crime detective novels printed with yellow covers. Not to be confused with Jello, a shimmering, wiggly dessert.

The Duplass Brothers Say Go for the Volume ²³

(And Neveldine and Taylor Interject)

DUPLASS BROTHERS:

Producing movies is a complex piece of art creation that requires the synthesis of a lot of skills. We came of age as producer/filmmakers in Austin, Texas in the 1990s, a time when real indie film ²⁴ was popular and abundant. A lot of our friends spent years and years raising money for their first feature that cost anywhere between $250K and $500K. It took five or six years to get the budget together, but in the meantime, they weren’t practicing their craft. Then they’d make the movie and it wouldn’t be that good. Why? Because they were practicing their fundraising, not their filmmaking. So our philosophy has always been to make cheap films and make a lot of them so that you can find your voice while you are producing them. That’s what you did, Lloyd.

²⁴What they mean is that the word “independent” has been hijacked and is used to describe $15 million dollar movies produced by members of Tom Hanks family or the like.

MARK NEVELDINE: Who cares if your fucking camera costs only $500?! Just start shooting.

BRIAN TAYLOR: What language!

MARK NEVELDINE: Young producers should get used to swearing.

DUPLASS BROTHERS:Eventually, you have to figure out what you can offer the world. While you are figuring out what your opus ²⁵ is going to be, it’s easy to make films with digital cameras and digital editing. It’s easy to fail, but your mistakes are cheap and you learn from them.

²⁵An opus is usually a musical composition. In this case, it refers to your work, your movie in general. “Opus” is also occasionally effective as a noun and an insult as in, “You, opus!”

23As in amount, not sound.

Back in the 1970s, it cost me about $500K to learn from my mistakes on Battle of Love’s Return, Sugar Cookies and Big Gus, What’s the Fuss? Today you can fuck things up like I did for less than 5 percent of that! Speaking of opii, ²⁶ you’re probably wondering what to do about getting a great music track for your own damn movie that you’re producing. Because, let’s face it: music for your film or viral movie or music video is crucial for the trajectory of the emotional arc you want your audience to travel. Maybe you think it’s hopeless because you can’t afford “great” music. Well, there are hundreds of thousands of musicians on MySpace and other sites who will let you hear their work and most likely be dying for you to give them exposure by using their songs in your movie. For free!

²⁶Not to be confused with Opie, Ron Howard’s character on the old TV show Howdy Doody, starring Harriet Tubman.

Also, there are the established mainstream rock bands that refuse to “sell out” or “go commercial.” They like the idea of maintaining their “street cred” by allowing you to put their music in your flick. For example, Lemmy of the band Motörhead has generously donated not just his music but his amazing acting talents to more than one Troma movie because he believed in the Troma way of life (and he cracked after I called his cell phone 26 times over a three-day period).

Take Poultrygeist as another example. Being the musical extravaganza made for “chicken feed” that it was, Gabe Friedman and I had to write our own damn lyrics. But we needed someone to bring them to life. I put out an ad on the Internet asking for a composer seeking the acute privilege of scoring a Troma movie for no money whatsoever in exchange for a rockin’ credit and incredible experience. ²⁷ We were inundated with responses! Some were slackers, but many of the sincere responses came with great samples and compositions from talented musicians across the country and the continent. As it turned out, one of the best came from Edmonton, Canada, by way of Mr. Duggie Banas. Through the beauty of the Internet and modern technology, Duggie, Gabe Friedman and I were able to work intensively together over several months, honing and then recording the tracks until they were perfect. Duggie worked his Banas off! I didn’t even meet Poultrygeist’s composer, film scorer and music producer in person until a Poultrygeist screening at a festival in Calgary, Canada, two years after Duggie and I had met on the Internet. After meeting him in person, I felt guilty that Duggie did so much hard work over so much time for free. So I sent him a big $100 dollars.

²⁷ The soundtracks to Poultrygeist, Terror Firmer, and Citizen Toxie are all available for purchase at Troma: http:www.troma.com: BUY TROMA!!!

Thank You for the Music²⁸

Dennis Dreith

Who is Dennis Dreith?

Dennis Dreith is a Los Angeles–based film composer, orchestrator, conductor and administrator of the Film Musicians Secondary Markets Fund. Dennis also wrote the score for the original Punisher film and, more recently, Gag, produced by ex-Tromite Scott McKinley. He has been a loyal sponsor of the TromaDance Film Festival in Park City, Utah.

I want to debunk some myths about music for independent films. First and foremost, it is important to state that there is no excuse for music to ever sound cheap, especially in low-budget films. Every film, no matter how modest it may be, deserves to have an original score that gives a voice to the film and defines the soul of its characters. I have heard many impressive temp scores utilizing cues edited from major motion picture scores. As remarkable as individual scenes are with these cues, taken as a whole, temp scores lack the coherence that an original score provides by connecting characters and plot elements with consistent musical themes.

Myth 1:“I have so little money that I can’t afford an original score, so I have to use library music.”

Although library music can provide what seems to be a cost-effective alternative to original scoring, if you are set on using library music, you need to resign yourself to the fact that the music you license is also available to everyone for any purpose. If you think it’s OK that the music in the film you put your heart and soul into can (and will) be used in anything from a dog food commercial to a second-rate porn flick, then library music is fine for you. Don’t get me wrong—there are valid uses for library music—but for the most part, it is for situations where the music is more like wallpaper, not necessarily needed to follow action or define characters.

Myth 2:“An original score is too expensive.”

Certainly, hiring an A-list composer, engaging hundreds of musicians and recording in a world-class scoring stage can all add up to a pretty high price tag. That’s something that many (if not all) filmmakers aspire to. However, one has to ask first, “Is this something that is absolutely necessary for my film?” If it really is (and not just a whim), then by all means, go raise the money to do just that. I have worked on a number of big-budget films and can say that it is truly a rewarding and exhilarating experience to have your music performed by a world-class orchestra. However, I have also done a number of very small films with just a handful of wonderful musicians. Those were equally rewarding experiences. In some cases, they were even more rewarding because of the filmmakers’ enthusiasm and creativity. I love the opportunity to create a memorable score with very few resources other than an active imagination and a willingness by everyone to experiment.

What makes music most important in a film is not the size of the orchestra, but how well-crafted the musical themes are and how well the music moves with action, how well it plays on/to the audience’s emotions, or identifies the characters. Well-written music for a small ensemble can add to the richness of the tapestry of a film just as well as that of a large ensemble. At times, a solo instrument or intimate group, such as a string quartet, can provide even more emotional content that a full orchestra. Of course, there are times when the circumstances of a particular film require a more expansive, substantial score. When operating under budget constraints, these situations will offer greater challenges that require more than just creativity and planning. Though I don’t wish to debate the pros and cons of union scoring (using members of the American Federation of Musicians under a union agreement), it is important to note that there have been many changes over the past few years within the union that allow low-budget and independent films to be scored for rates and under conditions commensurate with those budgets.

Myth 3:“If I can’t hire an orchestra, I can just simulate one with an electronic score.”

Electronic scores can and do offer viable alternatives in the appropriate hands. What’s true for an electronic score is true for any other score: a well-written score is still well-written, regardless of the performance medium or ensemble. Rather than simply replacing an orchestra, I have often found that by creatively using an arsenal of electronic equipment in combination with even just onesolo instrument, or, if appropriate, a small ensemble, excellent results can be achieved.

Another tried and true technique is, if at all possible, to hire an orchestra (even a small one enhanced by electronics) for a single session to record the vital and most important cues or those cues requiring an orchestra. Then record the remainder of the cues with electronics and a soloist or, depending on the budget, a small ensemble. ²⁹ By utilizing consistent themes, and having them played by various ensembles, you will be amazed how the score will seem larger than it really is.

²⁹My homes Jenn Kuhn is a gorgeous, brilliant, and talented cellist who can do this … and act for you, too!

Myth 4:“It’s a lot easier and cheaper to just use records instead of a score.”

Sometimes it might be cheaper, but only if you are using obscure records, friends' records, or recordings of bands who are looking for exposure. They will allow the use of their music for little or no money. However, the first, and most important question is, “Does this recording serve the needs of the motion picture as well as an original score?” There are, of course, a number of circumstances in which records serve the needs of a film quite well. They can often define a period in time or a place in a unique manner. They can also paint an emotional picture in ways that are quite different than underscoring can.

However, the use of licensed music can be most problematic. A discussion of “master” and “synch license agreements” would be most helpful, but there isn’t time. It is sufficient to say that before embarking on a course of placing records in your film, you should acquire a solid working knowledge of these costs and limitations.

Not securing the proper licensing agreements (which can cost next to nothing or much more than your entire production budget), could turn out to be a major stumbling block to securing distribution for your film. In some cases, it can result in an injunction prohibiting the exhibition of your film as long as the records in question are included in the film. There are numerous sources to assist in gaining the requisite information, including music supervisors, license experts, publishers and record companies, that can assist in securing the appropriate rights. It is important, however, not to include pre-existing material in a film without appropriate permission.

The bottom line is that a combination of songs and original scoring can tremendously enhance your film. Though I said it at the beginning, it bears repeating: there is no excuse for you to settle for anything except an excellent first-rate score. ³⁰

³⁰Unless your name is Lloyd Kaufman.

28Not to be confused with the Abba song by the same name, as I’m not sure anyone can really properly thank Abba for their music.

Chris Wyatt, who produced Napoleon Dynamite, told us at the Tromadance Film Festival a few years ago that due to his needing to save money, he licensed or acquired only “festival rights” for the music for his low-budget independent movie, Napoleon Dynamite.So when Fox announced they were going to distribute Napoleon Dynamite, Chris had to go back to all the music publishers to license all of the other rights. Of course, when the music publishers discovered that a major studio was now involved, the greatest ass fucking since the classic film Anal Lesbian Club Part XII took place. Chris paid twice as much for music rights for his film score as the entire budget of Napoleon Dynamite: $800K, I believe.

And what about Nina Paley? She is a genius filmmaker who produced Sita Sings the Blues, the only animated movie entirely in Flash, as far as I know. She, too, has limited resources, so she decided to score her film with public domain music whose “sync” or publishing rights cost zilch. Unfortunately, Nina did not know that the “performance rights” of the folks performing the music were not public domain, and those singers, performers and musicians wanted to be paid. So far this has been a huge problem for Nina and has stood in the way of her making distribution deals.

Producing Lesson #9,572: Get all rights to any music that you use in your own damn production. For example, Lemmy and Motörhead gave us all rights in all media worldwide to the song Sacrifice used in Tromeo & Juliet … I hope.

Giuseppe Andrews composes all of his own damn music. Believe it or not, I used to do that, too. For Battle of Love’s Return and The Girl Who Returned, I knew enough clarinet ³¹ to pick out the main melodic themes played throughout the course of the movie. As I made those movies during my time at Yale, we recorded the music in one of the piano rooms there in the Music Department using a reel-to-reel tape recorder and microphone. In Sugar Cookies, we worked with composer Gershon Kingsley, whose big claim to fame at that time was the Maxwell House coffee commercial jingle and a novelty song called “Popcorn.”Sugar Cookies was one of the first movies to be scored entirely using a Moog synthesizer. ³² During an early scene within Sugar Cookies, Mary Woronov plunks out about five random notes on the piano. Gershon used those five notes as the theme to score the entire movie.

³¹ Thanks, Mom.

³² The Moog synthesizer is the first musical device to produce and mimic the sounds of various musical instruments electronically. It is also the reason the 1980s happened.

By the way, while you’re producing your own damn movie music, you may have to write your own damn lyrics! That’s what I did when I wrote the words to the top-20 hit song ³³“Big Gus, What’s the Fuss?³⁴” and “Have I Ever Let You Down?,” both featured in Sugar Cookies.

³³Top-20 list of obscure songs for movie flops.

³⁴ This song and its title were written and conceived a year before the vision for what became the Troma movie flop of the century (of the same name) happened.

Editing and Post-Production: A Troma Fan Teaches You Everything You Need to Know about Free Software to Produce and Edit Your Own Damn Movie

Daniel Archambeault-May

What is a Troma Fan?

A Troma fan is brilliant, beautiful gyno or guy with a great passion for anything and everything Troma. Some fans pick Lloyd up at airports and drive him where he needs to go. Some let Lloyd sleep in their homes and eat their food. Some have tattoos of Toxie on their bodies. Some contribute money to the Tromadance Film Festival. Most important, they all spread the Troma love worldwide. A Troma fan can never get enough Troma. Aspiring filmmaker Daniel Archambeault-May is such an enlightened individual.

Software newsflash: in case it’s not already clear from reading this book, nearly every aspect of film-making can now be done on computers. Writing, editing, optical effects, audio production and mastering, scoring your film and so on—it can now all be handled with the click of a mouse. Unfortunately, you need several thousand dollars to get all the software you need to do this. Well, I’m here to tell you that you can actually get all of that stuff for free!

For every piece of big-ticket software, there’s a free or open source application that works just as well, if not better. For example, I’m writing this in OpenOffice.org (downloaded for free off the Internet!). And it’s every bit as capable as the $300 name-brand application (by Microsoft). But it doesn’t stop there. The entire process of making your own damn digital movie can be handled with free applications—and great ones, too. I won’t mention anything here unless it’s absolutely capable of professional quality work, and is 100 percent free.

To start your movie, you need a script. You could spend a handsome sum for a piece of software to properly format your screenplay, but you don’t have to. Celtx is a full-featured preproduction suite that not only properly formats scripts for film, TV, theater, radio, and everything else, but also has built-in scheduling and storyboarding tools. This nifty piece of software will handle everything up to your first day of shooting. You haven’t even started filming yet, and you’ve already saved a couple hundred bucks. Download it for free from http://www.celtx.com.

Who says mind-blowing CGI special effects are only for the big-budget studio blockbusters? Blender is a full-featured 3D modeling software that can more than hold its own. Aside from being used on Spiderman 2, it was also the force behind the entire CGI production of the independently made short Elephants Dream. Among its numerous abilities, Blender can function as a nonlinear editor. Get it without paying a dime from http://www.blender.org.

Now, you need to edit your feature film. That’s where things get a little trickier. Quality NLEs are few and far between in the open source world, but you aren’t without options. Applications like Avidemux and Kino can handle most simpler productions. So can the aforementioned Blender. If you just need to cut and paste together your talking-heads drama, these will do the job. If you need something more, with lots of effects and compositing, Cinelerra is the way to go. Its interface is horsey³⁵ to work with at times, but it is a very powerful piece of software, and won’t leave you wanting anything but an easier interface. Visit http://www.cinelerra.org.

³⁵So it seems is the smile of Julia Roberts.

For the final touches on your film, you can use what Hollywood uses: CinePaint. CinePaint allows you to retouch your movie frame by frame without degradation of quality. It’s the go-to-program for the majors as well—it was used for Spiderman, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, The Last Samurai and Stuart Little, to name only a few. CinePaint can be downloaded for free from http://www.cinepaint.org.

Audio will make or break your movie. Luckily, audio is where free software really shines. Ardour is the best in the business, in my humble opinion. You can record, rerecord, layer, add music, and anything else that can be considered audio production. Go to: http://www.ardour.org. If it’s not available for your platform, Audacity will also work wonderfully. Get it from http://audacity.sourceforge.net.

Burn your finished flick to DVD using DeVeDe, make up some cover art and posters in GIMP or Inkscape, and call it a wrap. All can be found at http://www.majorsilence.com/devede, http://www.gimp.org and http://www.inkscape.org.

Some of these applications may not work on all platforms. I recommend using Linux (specifically, “Ubuntu Studio”), or a Mac with X11 installed. If you’re attached to Windows, some of these will work there, too. But if not, you can always dual-boot from a Mac. There’s a plethora of great software out there that I didn’t even mention. All you have to do is look around for it.

If you like the big-money software, by all means, use it. It’s great stuff. But don’t let not having enough money for a specific application stand between you and producing your own damn movie.