BEGGAR’S PURSES, OR HOW TO TRICK YOUR PARENTS INTO PAYING YOUR RENT
MPB
Listen, there comes a point when no matter how proud you are, you just need help. Not everyone has the option of tricking their parents* into paying their rent, but if you’re lucky enough to have it, then please follow the directions below. We are firm believers that most problems can be solved with a little bit of manipulation. We don’t want you to have to come out and ask your parents, or sugar daddy, or rich uncle, to help you out. We want to do the classic thing of making them think it was their idea.
First: Make sure your appearance shows just how hard you are struggling. Get some purple makeup and draw bags under your eyes so they know just how difficult your life is. Quite possibly you won’t have to do this because you will actually be that exhausted! It’s also important to poke holes into your clothes. Again, this may not be necessary because you probably already own a pair of ripped jeans or a shirt with holes in it because they are cool. When some Old makes the following remark: “Did you buy those jeans like that?” say, “No, actually. It’s just because I wear them so much.” They’ll be taken aback. Serves them right.
Next: Make sure your apartment is absolutely spotless, save for your bills. Leave them in a pile. When they are noticed, just say: “Oops, I was just going over those.” Your parents will realize how responsible you are. I know you get e-bills, but print them out. Also, write up fake invoices and add those to the pile. Examples: $200 for homonymic device pad for living a wholesome life, or $7,003 for capademic polioside to stop pesticide. These are not real things, but if your parents ask what they are, just be like, “They are millennial tools for survival.” Your parents will feel old and drop the subject.
Scatter your apartment with self-help articles you’ve printed from the internet. You obviously cannot afford books (apart from this one). Also, and this is important, make a trophy case for any accolades you’ve won over the years, so your parents are reminded how proud of you they are. If you got a nice email from your boss, print it out. Put it next to the basketball trophy you got for “best effort” in eighth grade. Remind your parents that you are and have always been a true success, especially in their eyes.
Optional: Promise a drink to anyone scary looking but normal seeming who you see on the street. Tell a bunch of them to squat in your apartment silently during dinner so your parents think you have eight to ten roommates. (You may also ask friends of yours, but random characters will rouse much more worry out of your creators.)
Finally: Arrange for a friend to call you several times throughout the night. Tell your parents it’s “the debt collector.” This friend can also arrive at your house and knock on the door wearing an old-timey hat. (It cannot be one of the same friends you are using as a fake squatting roommate. This will blow your gambit!)
Now, let’s move on to the food. Beggar’s purses are perfect for this meal; not only are they inexpensive to make, but they really shine a light on your problem, and are not subtle at all.
Gather the pouches together to look like hobo’s purses. If you don’t fold them correctly, this is the perfect time for a comment like “Jeez, I just can’t do anything right.” While the lentils will be delicious, they also allow for a second comment, like “Sorry, this is all I could afford. Did I mention how much I love you?”
Also, buy the cheapest wine you can and turn the bottle so the label faces them. Start crying at dinner. If you’re nostalgic, the tears will probably come naturally; you won’t have to act. At this point your parents should offer to help you out if they can. If they don’t make the offer, cry harder and tell them what’s wrong. This should seal the deal. Cha-ching.
All kidding aside, we love our parents, and we don’t want to have to take their money. They’ve worked for it and it’s their time to chill, but we need a little cushion, and if they can help us, so be it. If your parents can’t help you financially, then hopefully they can help you in other ways, like with love, or really terrible advice. And if you can invite them over for dinner, then just do it: to say thank you, ’cause they raised you or whatever.
SERVES 4
INGREDIENTS
For the filling
4 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
2 medium onions, chopped
2 carrots, peeled and chopped
¼ pound white mushrooms, chopped
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
1 (15-ounce) can cooked lentils, drained and rinsed
½ teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon pepper
½ cup cheap white wine
For the beggar’s purses
4 sheets 4 × 4-inch puff pastry (you may have to trim the pastry to the exact size)
Extra-virgin olive oil, as needed
1 large handful fresh parsley, finely chopped, divided
1 tablespoon dried thyme, divided
4 chives or green onions
Salt and pepper
DIRECTIONS
Make the filling
• Place the oil in a large frying pan over medium heat.
• Add the onions, carrots, mushrooms, garlic, and lentils and let cook, stirring often, until vegetables are soft but not browned, about 15 minutes.
• Add the salt and pepper.
• Add the wine and cook until the liquid is almost entirely absorbed.
• Remove from heat and allow to cool.
Assemble the beggar’s purses
• Preheat the oven to 375°F.
• Line a baking tray with parchment paper or brush it with olive oil.
• Place one sheet of puff pastry on your work surface.
• Brush a little oil all over the sheet and sprinkle one-quarter of the parsley and thyme over the top.
• In the middle of sheet, place one-quarter of the cooled filling, about ¾ cup.
• Pull all the sides up toward the center and pinch together at the top to make a purse.
• Tie the top of the purse with a chive or green onion by making a knot around the base of the crease.
• Brush the outside of each purse with oil and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Repeat the same procedure to make a total of four purses.
• Place the purses on the prepared baking tray.
• Bake for 17 to 20 minutes, or until the puff pastry purses become a light golden brown.
• Serve immediately.
