SCHADENFREUDE SUNDAE
MPB
When I was in fifth grade, I was doing poorly in history class. My teachers told my parents I needed a tutor, or that maybe I wasn’t smart enough for the school. Determined to prove everyone wrong, I studied and got a 98% on the next exam. My closest friend and biggest competitor at the time, Hillary, got a 75%. Not only did I do well, but also I did better than she did! Hurray!
Her loss made my win all the sweeter, and thus, I realized how much fun it could be to take joy in other people’s pain—how much other people’s misfortunes could make me feel better about myself! Fifth-grade history class is my Marvel Universe evil villain origin story. (I like that it’s small and relatable.)
In the years following, I continued to watch others experience sadness with delight. Sometimes I even caused the sadness! I told secrets! I excluded friends from my birthday parties! I talked shit constantly! I was not a very discreet or original villain. You might say I was just your average middle-school girl, but I promise I had way more style.
Unfortunately though, my behavior was forced to a crashing halt in seventh grade when my friends kicked me out of “the group” forever. This might also have had something to do with the fact that I was a very late bloomer and super afraid of boys, but anyway, I was taught to repress my criminal predilections because “girls shouldn’t be mean” and “being mean isn’t nice,” and “don’t you want friends, Miranda?”
So I went along, being nice, trying my best not to smile at other people’s failures… until something changed that: social media. Suddenly, I was sweeping the internet for my enemies’ most unfortunate moments and loving it. So I didn’t get a promotion! Guess what: neither did this random idiot I maybe know from summer camp. Muahhhaha. I soon realized how much I had missed the evil-villain version of myself. I resented that she had been silenced and that I had been socialized to be kinder. I was the opposite of a Frozen, or a Wicked: I wanted to be mean for the sake of being mean once again. And now I had found a way: I could judge others without being judged for it from the privacy of my very own browser. I could even use an incognito web browser if I was feeling extra paranoid. Again, I’m probably not the most original villain, but again, I have pizazz. When I’m embracing my truest Slytherin soul, I like to indulge completely and hold nothing back. I sit in my evil tower, laughing at people’s Facebook stories, covered in stolen jewels, and eating this chocolate Sundae.* I deserve it, probably.
SERVES 1
INGREDIENTS
¼ cup salted hard pretzels (just about any kind works, including gluten-free)
2 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
1 tablespoon sugar
2 large scoops vanilla (or your favorite flavor—you do you) ice cream (about 1 cup)
2 tablespoons store-bought hot fudge topping
2 tablespoons store-bought caramel topping
Whipped cream, for topping (out of a can is fine, or whip ¼ cup heavy cream with a pinch of sugar until soft peaks form)
DIRECTIONS
• Preheat the oven to 375°F.
• Line a rimmed baking sheet with parchment paper or aluminum foil.
• Place the pretzels, melted butter, and sugar in a bowl. Stir to combine.
• Spread the pretzels out on the lined baking sheet.
• Bake for 10 to 12 minutes, until the pretzels are toasted and caramelized.
• Remove from the oven and let cool completely.
• Scoop the ice cream into a bowl or glass.
• Microwave the hot fudge until heated (20 to 25 seconds should do it).
• Drizzle the hot fudge and the caramel over the ice cream.
• Sprinkle the pretzel mixture over the ice cream.
• Top with whipped cream.
• Eat while trolling Facebook and enjoying the fuck out of how much better your life is than your Facebook friends’.