HEARTBREAK HAMBURGERS

MPB

Hi, heartbroken hotties,

I love you. I send you a hug.

There is no cure for heartbreak, except heroin, I bet.

And I don’t really think heartbreak gets any easier with time. There are of course different levels of it, but it’s fucking awful and painful and that’s that. It always hits me very hard, whether it was a real romance or just two months (or days) of dating. I can’t handle rejection. My parents loved me too hard and my ego is hanging by a tiny little shaving of a fingernail.

I also love to romanticize sadness. I’ll start to cry if I see a roll of condoms in my drawer. Oh, he’ll never come back to use those… (I then poke holes in them just in case he does!)

There’s that beer he was drinking right before he ended it. I’ll leave it there open, hoping he’ll come back to finish it. Fuck the flies. Or maybe I’ll finish it to be close to him. Again, fuck the flies.

There are those pajamas he’ll never get to see. Maybe I should return them? No, I’m sad. I deserve them.

When I’m wallowing, what I like to do is throw on sneakers, grab my credit card, and leave my house in a rage. I pretend I’m going for a run and just stop and buy the most expensive item possible in the closest proximity to my home. I then leave the store and start to weep openly in the street. Perhaps a friend will call and I’ll ignore it. I need the stare of these random strangers before I consult with my real confidants.

The dream of course is that I’ll faint on a grassy knoll. (I’ve never fainted and all the glamorous people get to faint.) The most dramatic way to faint is definitely after a breakup. Either that or onstage during a high school play because you haven’t eaten enough, but my chances for that are gone.

My purchase may or may not have been stolen during my dramatic faint, but it’s okay if it was; that would only add to my damsel-in-distress vibe. In my fantasy, I now run into someone I know. I don’t necessarily know them well, but we’ve met once or twice and we’ve had some sort of connection (at least in my mind). This person doesn’t have to be a man, although perhaps, ideally, it is. It could also be a close friend’s kindly aunt, or the salesperson I’ve just stolen from. A breakup is a good time to make amends in other parts of your life.

This person will pick me up, buy me some old-timey self-help book full of wizardry, and then take me out for a light drink that I’ve never heard of. They will take me home, hug me tightly, and tell me everything will be okay. They will check in with me the next morning. And we’ll develop some kind of friendship where I help them in the future.

This is just a fantasy, though, and it’s clear what it means. I don’t want to deal with my real life, I want some romantic guardian angel to come in and walk me home and save me. Instead what happens is I go home, still in tears, maybe having taken a few crying selfies to send to friends to show them just how sad I am. I call my mom. I get in bed. I cry and cry and then I go to work the next day. Never in my life have I taken a personal day, no matter how much I’ve wanted to.

So we’re giving you Heartbreak Hamburgers instead of Heartbreak Hot Fudge Sundaes or Heartbreak Kill Yourself Chocolate Cake or Heartbreak Starve Yourself Silly Diet. You probably have some go-to ice cream dessert (if not, try our Schadenfreude Sundae on here!), but we want to remind you that you’re strong. You’re gonna be okay. So instead of engaging in some terrible shopping causing buyer’s remorse, like me, go out and buy the ingredients for these hamburgers. Let your friends come over, if you can, and let them help you cook.

Or just sit in front of your TV weeping, because that’s important too. I often lose my appetite when I’m heartbroken, so maybe try to cook these to get your protein. Or leave them as a goal: When you feel strong enough, you’ll invite some friends over for burgers and beers. You’ll have a mental picture of yourself being there and somehow you will get there. If this book has one goal, it’s to give you a way to make your life a little better by teaching you how to take care of yourself. This heartbroken time is when you most need to take care of yourself. You have to pull yourself out of it. You’ve got to be strong like a hamburger (or maybe Hamburglar in my case).

Until then, scream out in the streets like you’re Cate Blanchett in Blue Jasmine.

You’re allowed to. And it’s fun. Plus, if you’ve never fainted glamorously, then frankly you deserve it. I still hope I get my chance. Pray for me.

SERVES 4

INGREDIENTS

1 pound lean ground beef

½ white onion, finely chopped

4 cloves garlic, minced, divided

1 chipotle pepper (from a can, packed in adobo sauce), finely chopped, plus 1–2 spoonfuls of the adobo sauce

6 ounces medium or sharp cheddar, cut into ½-inch cubes

½ teaspoon salt, plus more for aioli

½ teaspoon pepper, plus more for aioli

¼ cup mayonnaise

1 handful fresh cilantro leaves, very finely chopped

Fresh tomato, sliced

Lettuce, sliced

DIRECTIONS

• Preheat grill or a frying pan (preferably cast iron) to medium-high heat.

• Oil or spray lightly to avoid sticking.

• In a mixing bowl, combine the beef, the onion, 2 cloves’ worth of the garlic, the chipotle pepper and adobo sauce, the cheddar, and the salt and pepper. Mix well, using your hands.

• Shape the mixture into 4 patties.

• Grill the patties for 3 to 4 minutes on each side (at least long enough to melt the cheese).

• While the burgers cook, whisk together the remaining 2 cloves’ worth of garlic, the mayonnaise, the cilantro, and more salt and pepper to taste. Set aside.

• Serve the burgers on buns or on their own, with tomato and lettuce, topped with a dollop of the aioli.