4 The Mind frames

Now that you’ve made it this far, you have a good sense of the basics you need for your child to be successful in distance learning. You also understand how to get a good return on the ever-so-precious time you are investing in working with your child; you are laser focused on providing only the most critical, research-based tasks and supports for your child while they are learning at home. So now, let’s turn our attention to developing your child’s mindframes.

The mindframes for students that we discuss in this section are the mental attitudes and habits we hope to cultivate in all young people in all learning settings. We hope you will agree that these are important attributes for learners to develop irrespective of the nature of school. And, after we explore the mindframes we hope to foster in young people, we’ll turn to discuss the mindframes that are critical for you—and for all adults who support the learning of children—to develop.

In this section:

• Mindframes for Students
  • □ Know your current level of understanding.
  • □ Know where you are going and have the confidence to take on the challenge.
  • □ Select tools to guide your learning.
  • □ Seek feedback and recognize that errors are opportunities to learn.
  • □ Monitor your progress and adjust your learning.
  • □ Recognize your learning and teach others.
• The 10 Mindframes for Families
  • □ I am an evaluator of my impact on my children’s learning.
  • □ I see the power of collaborating with others in parenting our children.
  • □ I value what my child brings to the family and world.
  • □ I understand the centrality of my child.
  • □ I have appropriately high expectations.
  • □ I listen, build trust, and know how to gradually release responsibility.
  • □ I know the balancing act between developing autonomy, relatedness, and competence.
  • □ I appreciate the power of feedback and the place for praise as well as errors.
  • □ I know how to work with the school.
  • □ I am a parent, not a schoolteacher.

Mindframes for Students

What is it?

To get a little academic, the following mindframes focus on self-regulation—or the ability to control and direct one’s behavior, emotions, and thoughts—in the pursuit of long-term goals. Simply put, these are the habits we hope to foster in children and youth—and once these habits are attained, the result is that children go on to become their own teachers. They continue to learn independently—far beyond the boundaries of adult-initiated learning. They develop a skill set that enables them to create, innovate, and think critically.

We have organized the learning sciences research into six statements. In the sections that follow, we will explore each of these in greater detail. For now, the six aspects of students with strong cognitive self-regulation include the following facts:

• ➔ Know their current level of understanding. They are aware of their performance and understand that their current level is malleable.
• ➔ Know where they’re going and are confident to take on the challenge. They understand that there is more to learn and know what that is. They believe that they can learn, with the right supports, and accept learning as a challenge.
• ➔ Select tools to guide their learning. They understand the ways that learning tools work and they know how to select tools that work for the task at hand.
• ➔ Seek feedback and recognize that errors are opportunities to learn. They don’t wait for feedback; they seek it. And they know that errors are opportunities to learn rather than sources of embarrassment.
• ➔ Monitor their progress and adjust their learning. They recognize that learning is a journey and that monitoring and adjusting are necessary components of that learning.
• ➔ Recognize their learning and teach others. They know when they have learned something, they know how to use that knowledge, and they are willing to share their learning with others.

Why is it important?

Let’s try to personalize this a bit more. Think about the last time you were learning something new—perhaps a language or how to work a piece of technology or how to cook a specific dish. Did you demonstrate any of the habits above? If so, you are way more likely to have learned it. In fact, just like children, we are very good at estimating our success. Returning to the effect size research, the evidence strongly suggests that we can predict with high accuracy how much we have learned and how well we will perform. The power is in creating these habits so that expectations raise and there are systems in place for learners to know that they can achieve their highest expectations.

Did you notice that this section focuses on mindframes? Have you heard about mindsets? Growth and fixed mindsets? The concept of “growth mindset” was developed by Carol Dweck from a lifetime of careful and precise research work. She claimed that growth mindsets, which are a way of thinking in a particular circumstance, have the power to inspire different goals and shape views about effort, but she has never claimed that there is a state of mind called growth mindset; her research focuses on growth mindset as a way of thinking in a particular circumstance, not as an attribute of a person.

When faced with certain tasks, some of us start thinking that we are not capable of completing the tasks. We flip into a fixed mindset. Others of us, when encountering the same task, have a far different way of thinking. We charge forward with the belief that we can accomplish the task—even though at the same time we acknowledge that it might be difficult, that we might struggle, and that we will likely make many mistakes along the way. Importantly, your child does not have either a “fixed mindset” or a “growth mindset.” Rather, your child has developed many different ways of thinking about specific tasks, and you can help shape the way that they perceive different tasks in order to propel their learning forward. Here are some of the most common situations that are ripe with opportunity for tapping into your child’s growth mindset:

• When your child does not know an answer
• When your child makes an error
• When your child experiences failure
• When your child is anxious

IMPORTANTLY, YOUR CHILD DOES NOT HAVE EITHER A “FIXED MINDSET” OR A “GROWTH MINDSET.” RATHER, YOUR CHILD HAS DEVELOPED MANY DIFFERENT WAYS OF THINKING ABOUT SPECIFIC TASKS,

What Doesn’t Help?

1. When you tell your child that you were never good at math, writing, chemistry, reading, art, or whatever they are trying to learn. It’s really not helpful and can thwart your child’s ability to engage in complex tasks.
2. Telling your child that they are smart or some equivalent when they complete a task rather than focusing on their processing of the information, their perseverance or persistence, their problem-solving strategies, their help-seeking, or anything else that shows that they can attribute success to their efforts rather than the belief that some of us just “get it” and others don’t.

Dweck has taught us all that there are two ways to see the world:

The belief that one’s intelligence or abilities can be changed.

or

Intelligence and abilities are fixed and immutable.

The evidence is clear. It’s changeable. But some children give up before they figure that out. Your interactions with your children can help them see the truth: they can learn. As you interact with your children, note their effort in complex tasks, note the tools that they use, note the approximations of success. Help them recognize when it’s time to turn to a growth mindset, recognizing that it’s not always necessary, but sometimes it’s powerful. And as you do this, your child will begin to strengthen their ability to use a growth mindset, which will enable them to eventually internalize the overarching mindframes critical for their learning.

This brings us to the type of tasks that teachers assign. We are proponents of rigor and struggle. Children should regularly be grappling with ideas, concepts, skills, and terminology. However, there is a difference between tasks that are difficult and those that are complex. Difficult tasks are just more work. They take more time. But they are not the type of tasks that require complex thinking, extensive background knowledge, or bringing different ideas together. If your child is asked to do difficult tasks and not complex tasks, it’s time to talk with the teacher. That’s not rigor. Rigor requires complexity. Rigor requires struggle. Please, let your child struggle. In fact, returning to the effect size research, a “Goldilocks” level of struggle is really good for learning. By that we mean that the tasks are not too hard but also not too boring. Please don’t attempt to rescue your child every time you see the signs of struggle. It’s part of the process of learning. But if you do see tasks that are really boring and they are not building stamina, it’s time to advocate for more complexity.

IT DOESN’T HELP TO TELL YOUR CHILD THAT THEY ARE SMART WHEN THEY COMPLETE A TASK. INSTEAD, FOCUS ON ATTRIBUTING THEIR SUCCESS TO THEIR EFFORTS.

Take action

Empower your child to see learning as an active, two-way process that involves taking academic risks and persistence.

• ➔ Manage your expectations. When children view education as a game of compliance and getting a grade, they miss opportunities to learn. Your attitude toward learning (not just grade point average) communicates values about learning. Make sure your conversations with your child are not solely focused on grades.
• ➔ Manage your child’s expectations. Young people can put an inordinate amount of pressure on themselves, especially when they struggle with a class. Don’t tell them to “just try harder” but rather give them specific advice about what they might do to achieve their goals. And make it very clear to them that their value to you and to the world is not measured solely by grades.
• ➔ Make sure they are active partners in learning. Students are at the center of their learning; teachers and families play supportive roles in this journey. That is a very different message than what is often perceived by children, who may see themselves as passive agents. Help them develop their own goals for learning, make sure they are active participants in parent–teacher conferences, and give them the space they need to tackle problems on their own. You’re there to guide, not to run interference for them every step of the way. The “snowplow” parent who smooths the way for a child
• ➔ does him no favors. Author Andrew Solomon says that “when you banish the dragons you banish the heroes.” Give them the chance to be the heroes of their own stories. Appropriate levels of struggle build resiliency and confidence—two traits necessary for moving to adulthood.

 Key Messages

Really, it’s about building habits for students that transcend the current situation we find ourselves in. These mindframes are important irrespective of the format of schooling. These key messages are from our focus on mindframes:

• ➔ There are specific beliefs and habits that your children can develop, and these will serve them well in their future.
• ➔ Monitor your child and identify the triggers that lead to a fixed mindset about a task. If needed, talk with the teacher about how to address that.
• ➔ Your interactions with your children can trigger a fixed mindset, especially when you tell them what you are not good at (“I’m terrible at math.”) or when you tell them they are simply smart, or not.
• ➔ Your interactions with your children can help them recognize when a growth mindset can help and how to think about challenges that they face.
• ➔ Struggle in some academic tasks is useful; avoid the temptation to remove the struggle.

Student Mindframe 1:
Know your current level of understanding.

What is it?

Current levels of understanding or performance are like a GPS pin drop for your location. It’s where you are now, not where you want or need to be. Being attuned to your current levels of performance helps to orient you to your successes and growth opportunities. They are not your destiny and should not be a source of shame. Instead, they should be used to establish goals for learning.

THE “SNOWPLOW” PARENT WHO SMOOTHS THE WAY FOR A CHILD DOES HIM NO FAVORS.

Why is it important?

It’s important that your child understands their current level of understanding or performance. And it’s important that they know that there is no bad place to be. One of the reasons that adults hide children’s current performance levels from them is that they worry that the child will feel bad. That happens when we make them feel bad about their performance or when we do not help them move forward in their learning. It’s akin to a gap in your work performance. Everyone knows but no one wants to tell you. How will you ever improve? Or will you have to wait for your annual performance review to find that there was something amiss? It hardly seems fair. But adults do that to children all the time.

Our perspective is that children and their families own the data. That means that they have the right to see the data that summarizes their performance. Of course, some tools used to collect data are not valid and others are biased. But children and their families have the right to the information. How you talk about the information is important.

CURRENT LEVELS OF UNDERSTANDING OR PERFORMANCE ARE LIKE A GPS PIN DROP FOR YOUR LOCATION. IT’S WHERE YOU ARE NOW, NOT WHERE YOU WANT OR NEED TO BE.

Teachers should provide you with assessment information. Don’t let this define how you think about your child. It’s only one aspect of your child and we need to remember that learning, abilities, achievement, and performance are changeable. Unfortunately, sometimes educators hide data from parents because they worry that it will change the family’s perception of the child. For example, if an educator says, “Your child currently reads about two grades below,” a natural instinct might be to attribute the difficulties to the child. Internally, you might say, “My child is not a good reader. I don’t really like to read, and she might have gotten that from me.”

But remember, these numbers are just estimates and reading performance changes with intervention. And development of cognitive, behavioral, and social skills are not the same for everyone. If you need a reminder, take a look at the picture book Leo, the Late Bloomer. Children develop at different rates; the assessments show the averages. And they point to growth opportunities. Hiding that information from you will not provide you with the opportunity to help your child. And hiding it from your child will not allow your child to set goals and develop self-regulation. So, what should you do?

First, make sure you have accurate information. Ask for current levels of performance. And resist the urge to attribute the current levels you see to your child’s abilities. Second, talk with your child about the data. Ask your child what the data mean. If you are not sure, ask the teacher to explain the data to you. Make sure that your child knows that you are not disappointed. Adopt a frame of mind that this is a worthy challenge and one that will result in better outcomes for your child. Again, you do not have to be the teacher. But you can help your child understand their current performance level and that you are supportive of their learning journey. Third, talk with your child about a nonacademic performance indicator, such as sports, music, art, paddle boarding, or anything else they care about. Were they always as good as they are now? Did they understand their current level of performance so that they could identify areas of growth? Make the connection that it’s the same in academics. Learning is about changing and growing, and these examples help children recognize that it’s a journey.

Take action

• ➔ Assemble a folder your child has access to. Do you have a folder, digitally or as hard copies, with information about your child’s academic, social, emotional, physical, and behavioral growth? If not, why not? You should. After all, you are the keeper of your child’s history, not the school. Create a child-friendly version that she can add items to, including schoolwork she is proud of. Young children who aren’t yet reading and writing love to look at pictures of themselves when they were smaller. Share these with your child and talk about all the things he can do now but couldn’t do at the time.
• ➔ Be a strength-spotter. Identify some of the areas of success represented in the data and talk about that. Do not limit your conversation to the areas needed for growth, as it could create an imbalance in understanding oneself as a learner. Make sure that you take some time to note progress from the past, areas that are strong, or areas that are of interest.
• ➔ When confronted with a problem, help them assess what they already know. These mindframes are not limited to academic work; they are useful in life. When your children have to tackle challenges and are not sure how to move forward, encourage them to take an inventory of what they already know or know how to do. This can serve as a springboard for them to figure out their next steps.

TALK WITH YOUR CHILD ABOUT A NONACADEMIC PERFORMANCE INDICATOR, SUCH AS SPORTS, MUSIC, ART, PADDLE BOARDING, OR ANYTHING ELSE THEY CARE ABOUT. WERE THEY ALWAYS AS GOOD AS THEY ARE NOW?

 Key Messages

The next mindframe sets children on the path to closing the gap between their current level of understanding or performance and where they want to, or need to, be. These are key messages for knowing their current level of understanding:

• ➔ Collect and organize performance data about your child. As they get older, help them take responsibility for the data.
• ➔ Talk with your child about their current levels of performance. Ensure that they understand that it’s about the future growth opportunities.
• ➔ Be a strength-spotter and teach your child to recognize both strengths and areas for growth.
• ➔ Revisit these data as learning and growth occur so that knowing your current level of understanding becomes a habit that is natural. This will serve your child well into the future.

Student Mindframe 2:
Know where you are going and have the confidence to take on the challenge.

What is it?

There are two parts to this mindframe that play nicely together. The first part relates to the destination, recognizing that there are many ways to get where you are going. Some take longer. Some include detours. And some routes are more direct. That should not matter. The fact that you have arrived safely is what matters. The second part of this focuses on confidence. Overly confident students actually learn less, but optimistically confident students learn more. Importantly, confidence develops with experience, which is one of the roles that you can play.

Why is it important?

Knowing where they are going, and knowing why it’s important, drives attention and encourages children to allocate resources, such as time and effort, to accomplish their goals. When school is a random collection of tasks, children may become compliant, and they may even learn something from the tasks, but they do not develop the habits of mind that we’re looking for. They need to know the destination, based on their current level of understanding or performance, and estimate how much effort it will take to reach the goal.

The teacher should be clear about what students need to learn each day. We talked about that in Chapter 1 when we focused on the three questions: What am I learning today? Why am I learning it? How will I know that I learned it? These questions help students understand why they are being asked to complete certain tasks and assignments. And they can judge the amount of effort that will be required to accomplish it. Essentially, they will engage in an internal return on investment assessment. In an age-appropriate way, they will assess if the return is worth the investment. If not, they will ignore the task, copy from someone else in an attempt to please the teacher, or submit inferior work. When they understand the value of the destination, they are more likely to engage.

What can you do to support this? Perhaps ask your child what they will be learning in school that day. Talk about the destination and why it is important. If the destination is not clear, ask the teacher the three clarity questions presented above. We’re partners in this and, unfortunately, sometimes teachers forget to share the learning intentions, assuming that students will infer what they are supposed to learn.

Confidence is another matter. Confidence grows over time and your child’s confidence will likely vary highly across different subject areas. For example, a child may be very confident with their mathematical prowess but not confident in their writing. Or a child may be confident in social relationships with peers and not confident in academics. And still another child may be confident in reading but not confident in reading for information.

PRACTICE AND CONFIDENCE ARE COUSINS. IN FACT, PRACTICING AND THEN EXPERIENCING SUCCESS IS MOTIVATING.

One of the ways to build confidence is to practice. As we noted in Section 2, practice is important. What we didn’t say then, which we will say now, is that practice and confidence are cousins. In fact, practicing and then experiencing success is motivating. As a child experiences success, they are much more likely to engage in similar, and increasingly complex, tasks.

In addition, confidence is built through feedback and risk taking. Children need to try things that are a little beyond what they believe they can do and then receive feedback about what worked and what they could try next time. In a large sense, this is what teachers do each day. You can help. Encourage your child to try things that are a little outside of their comfort zone and then provide feedback about the experience. Sometimes, we need to get out of our own way to grow. And please, teach your child to focus on themselves and not on a hypothetical and judgmental audience.

Take action

• ➔ Set individual and family goals. Make goal-setting a part of the way your family works together. You might identify a purchase and set up a jar labeled “Family Fund” for depositing spare change. Share a health goal you have, such as running or lowering your blood pressure, and keep track of your progress so that your child can follow your journey. Set daily task-oriented goals with young children (e.g., feed the fish, put away the toys in the living room) and write them down so they can check them off.
• ➔ Set a monthly challenge goal with your child. We are fans of the monthly healthy living challenge goals we receive on our smartphones. Importantly, they are attuned to where we are now individually—it’s not the same goal for everyone, but rather one designed for improvement. As each month draws to a close, talk with your child about a goal she has for herself for the following month. It might be an academic one like reading a certain number of books, or a nonacademic one such as eating more vegetables, planting herbs in the window flower box, or planning a family outing.

WE LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT? IF SO, WHY DO WE SO OFTEN TRY TO PREVENT CHILDREN FROM MAKING MISTAKES?

 Key Messages

Learning is a journey and there are many pathways to success. But knowing where you are going and developing confidence along the way is important. These are the key messages:

• ➔ Ensure your child knows the learning expectations for each lesson. Talk with them about the learning goals and why they are important.
• ➔ Encourage your child to set goals, even if the teachers do not do this. Ask your child each day what the goals for learning are.
• ➔ Ensure that your student engages in sufficient practice so that confidence is built.
• ➔ Be encouraging of your child’s academic risk taking. Talk about focusing on yourself and not comparing yourself to others.

Student Mindframe 3:
Select tools to guide your learning.

What is it?

There are a wide variety of tools that students can use to guide their learning. In most cases, there is not simply one tool that will work. Teachers introduce a number of tools to their students, such as procedures, graphic organizers, ways to take notes, and decision-making processes. Over time, they then should allow them to select tools that work for them and the task at hand. Yes, sometimes teachers need students to complete a task in a specific way so that they can assess understanding. But in the long run, children need to know that there are options and that they need to take responsibility for their choices.

Why is it important?

First and foremost, this mindframe builds children’s responsibility for their learning. Tools are under their control. Yes, they need to be taught a range of tools and then provided chances to use them. Here’s a little secret. There is no one right way to teach something. We do not tell teachers how to teach. Instead, we ask them to determine the impact that their efforts have on students. Sure, there are wrong ways to teach, but there is no one right way. This can be frustrating for children as some of them just want to get it right and do it the same exact way that the teacher did. And when you show them a different way, they might tell you that you don’t know how to do it. Resist the urge to correct them. Instead, ask them how they did it and whether or not it worked.

CHOICES ALLOW US TO EXERT A LITTLE CONTROL ON THE WORLD. AND CHILDREN ARE LOOKING FOR THAT EXACT OPPORTUNITY.

Of course, sometimes children will select the wrong tool. Let them. It’s a learning opportunity. We learn from our mistakes. Do you believe that? If so, why do we so often try to prevent children from making mistakes? They need to select learning tools and see if they work. And if they don’t, they need help figuring out why and which tool might work. In this respect, our goal is to have children know what to do when they don’t know what to do.

Further, choice is motivating. We all know that. When given a choice, we are more likely to engage because we have a commitment to our selection. Choices allow us to exert a little control on the world. And children are looking for that exact opportunity. Of course, this can be taken too far. Do you want to go to bed at your bedtime? Not a choice. Do you want to apologize for your actions that hurt someone’s feelings? Not a choice. Do you want to read this book or that one? Choice. Do you want to use a graphic organizer or a note page? Choice.

In addition, selecting tools for learning contributes to cognitive flexibility. Cognitive flexibility is an executive function in the brain. It’s the ability to switch between thinking about different concepts or ideas, or to think about the relationships between ideas, or to think about other ways to solve a problem or complete a task. People with higher levels of cognitive flexibility tend to be more entrepreneurial, creative, and innovative. In other words, it’s worth the effort to foster this ability. It can be frustrating, at first, when you ask your child to solve a problem in a different way. But it can become very rewarding.

In the case of learning tool selection, children who take responsibility for their choices, especially when they consider several and then select one, are practicing the main aspects of cognitive flexibility, namely task switching and cognitive shifting. We won’t take any more time to delve into the academic side of this, so suffice it to say that choice in learning tools and the conversations around the choices are powerful.

What can you do? Refrain from telling your child that there is one way to do things, especially learning tasks. If you see a shortcut, you can make an offer, but allow the child to choose. Alternatively, you can allow the child to finish and then show them different options. If possible, ask the child to solve a problem a different way. For example, if the child solves a mathematics problem with numbers and an algorithm, ask if they can solve it with an image or with objects or with words. And finally, you can support teachers in encouraging students to have choices in their learning strategies.

Take action

• ➔ Promote tool selection choices. If your child is younger, ask them to help you choose which tool would be better to accomplish a task. In the kitchen, ask about cooking tools. “I’m making salsa for a snack tonight. Which bowl would be better for me to use?” When making simple household repairs, ask about the tools you might need for the job. “I’m going to fix the broken wooden chair leg. What tools should I take with me?”

  Older children can assist in making decisions about what items need to be taken for an outing, not just gathering them at your direction. Your child should also be responsible for managing his belongings for school and other events. This builds a foundation of cognitive flexibility and a habit of understanding that there is often more than one path to success.

• ➔ Foster study skills that rely on several cognitive tools. There are several components to studying, but your child may know only one way. For example, lots of students think that underlining and highlighting are how you study. Those techniques are good when you’re initially learning something, but they are not very effective when studying for an exam. Introduce your child to flashcards (paper or digital) for studying facts and vocabulary definitions. Annotation, which includes making notes and writing out questions about a reading, is especially effective. By the way, doing so on paper rather than a screen increases retention. There are also several affective study skills, which are those that impact emotion and perception. For example, studying in a quieter environment increases attention. If study space is at a premium, it is useful for her to play music without lyrics (the words compete for attention) through headphones. And make sure your child understands the benefits of spaced and deliberate practice in learning.

REFRAIN FROM TELLING YOUR CHILD THAT THERE IS ONE WAY TO DO THINGS, ESPECIALLY LEARNING TASKS.

 Key Messages

Helping your child take ownership of their learning requires that they make informed selections. That means they have to understand the options and be given a chance to choose. These are the key messages:

• ➔ Children need to be introduced to a variety of learning tools, not too many, but more than a few.
• ➔ Children need to be provided an opportunity to choose learning tools and to learn from the mistakes they make from these choices.
• ➔ Children need time to process and reflect on their choices.

Student Mindframe 4:
Seek feedback and recognize that errors are opportunities to learn.

What is it?

We discussed the power of feedback in Section 2. And we noted the ways in which feedback can be provided. This mindframe is a little different. Not all feedback is received. You know that you have been immune to some of the feedback you have received from others. There is a difference between feedback that is sent and feedback that is received. And one of the ways to increase the likelihood that feedback is received is to ensure that it is requested. Thus, we need to teach children to seek out feedback and not wait passively for it. 

In addition, we would all benefit if we could accept the fact that errors are opportunities to learn. If an hour goes by in a classroom and there are no errors, the students already knew all that stuff. As we noted earlier, there is evidence that between 40 percent and 60 percent of the minutes children are in school are spent on things that they have already learned. When we get students into the Goldilocks struggle, they are more likely to make errors, and then they have an opportunity to learn from those errors.

Why is it important?

Seeking feedback is a skill. And one that can be learned. Unfortunately, it’s not taught frequently in school. Instead, teachers tend to give feedback in large part because they received feedback when they were in school. We need to flip the script here. To start, ask your child, “On what would you like my feedback?” At first, they are likely to say “everything” or “this problem.” Over time, ask your child for more specifics. Where in the paper do you need my feedback? Which part of the problem is causing the trouble and what have you tried?

WE NEED TO TEACH CHILDREN TO SEEK OUT FEEDBACK AND NOT WAIT PASSIVELY FOR IT.

Then, encourage your child to seek feedback from the teacher. You may have a brief conversation each week with your child asking them to identify an area in which they would like to seek feedback from their teacher. They could even keep a notebook of potential ideas and, when the time is right, ask for the feedback. The idea is to develop a help-seeking habit in which your child knows that it is perfectly acceptable to seek help from others. The reason that most children do not seek help or feedback is that they don’t want to look dumb. That’s because of the culture we have created where right answers are celebrated and already knowing stuff is privileged. Making mistakes or not knowing something is a source of embarrassment and shame.

It’s a problem because spending time on what is already known limits the growth potential of students. There are so many children who achieve well but do not make progress during the year. In essence, at the start of the year some students have already demonstrated mastery of the learning expectations and school is holding them back. Others don’t want to look dumb in comparison, so they don’t ask for help. Mistake. Mistake. Mistake. Errors should be celebrated.

DEVELOP A HELP-SEEKING HABIT IN WHICH YOUR CHILD KNOWS THAT IT IS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE TO SEEK HELP FROM OTHERS.

As a parent, watch your body language and attitude when your child makes an error or is confused. Try to notice the feelings of frustration that may arise. Stop and try to understand that this is actually the very moment you’ve been waiting for. It’s the learning opportunity. Your investment right at that moment is much more likely to impact your child’s learning. Make sure that your child knows that errors are expected, natural, and useful. Make sure that your child knows that you expect errors and that you will actively work to ensure that there are tasks and assignments that provoke errors so that they can learn. You may even start a family tradition focused on the best error of the day. Normalize error making and the learning that comes from it.

Take action

• ➔ Make struggle productive. Make sure that your children have opportunities to engage with struggle in productive ways by creating tasks that have a clear success target. Task your children with solving a household problem every week that is developmentally appropriate for them to do. “The thermostat needs new batteries. Work with your brother to figure out how to take care of this.” Then step back and don’t guide them too much. “Where are the batteries? What kind of batteries does it need? How do you get the thermostat cover off?” Let them figure out these answers. It won’t be the fastest way to get something done, but it gives them experience in seeing how lots of small errors lead to success.

  Other ideas are buying stamps at the post office, putting picture books onto a new bookshelf, making a shopping list that will take care of each person’s packed lunch next week, planning a family dinner consisting only of round foods, replacing the light bulb in a lamp, or cleaning the inside of the family car.

• ➔ Ask your child for advice. Seeking help and feedback are two critical dispositions for success in life. Don’t unburden yourself on your child but let him know when you’re facing a problem and ask him for advice. You’ll send two important messages. The first is that challenges are a normal part of life. The second is that you signal how much you value him as a person.

 Key Messages

Normalizing errors is an important shift if students are to learn to self-regulate. And seeking feedback is a valuable skill for all of us to learn. These are the key messages:

• ➔ Ask your child about the feedback they would like before you jump in and correct their work.
• ➔ Teach your child to seek feedback from teachers. Practice small at first and build the habit over time.
• ➔ Change your attitude about errors and make it obvious to your children that mistakes are opportunities to learn.

Student Mindframe 5:
Monitor your progress and adjust your learning.

What is it?

We monitor a lot of things in our lives, such as how many calories we consume or how many steps we have taken. We use that information to make adjustments to reach our goals. If you want to take 10,000 steps, but the data say you’re still at 8,500, you have to decide to get out of the chair and walk more. The same is true academically. The difference is that mostly the teachers monitor progress and adjust learning experiences. Children who have high levels of self-regulation learn to do this as well. The key is to collect information that is useful and then do something with it.

MAKE SURE THAT YOUR CHILD KNOWS THAT YOU EXPECT ERRORS AND THAT YOU WILL ACTIVELY WORK TO ENSURE THAT THERE ARE TASKS AND ASSIGNMENTS THAT PROVOKE ERRORS SO THAT THEY CAN LEARN.

Why is it important?

In a word, ownership. Whether you are five, fifteen, or fifty-five, you should know how to monitor the progress you are making. You don’t have to create all your own tools. After all, we use wearable devices someone else designed to track our movement. But you do have to have a system for monitoring. Hopefully, the teacher will provide your child with appropriate tools. These can come in the form of checklists, rubrics, or a host of other options. The tool itself is not important. It’s using the tool that matters.

That’s where you can come in. Talk with your child about their progress and ask how they are monitoring their own development. This doesn’t have to be a daily thing, but a regular one. It’s really helpful if the tools used to monitor progress have indicators of success along the way. We shouldn’t wait to notice that we have been successful until the end. Checkpoints along the way can be motivating and re-assuring that we’re on the right track. If not provided by the teacher, you can create a simple tool to help your child monitor their progress. Here’s an idea (and a downloadable copy of this tool is available on the companion website):

Learning Goal	Date	Need Help	Need Practice	Independent	Can Teach It
		□ I am just learning	□ I am almost there	□ I own it	□ I am a pro
		□ I am just learning	□ I am almost there	□ I own it	□ I am a pro
		□ I am just learning	□ I am almost there	□ I own it	□ I am a pro

Available for download at resources.corwin.com/DLparents

In addition to monitoring the goal, children need to know that they can make adjustments to their learning plans if they are not making progress. Sometimes they need permission to adjust their learning plan. If it’s not working, then make sure that they know that they can change it up.

They may also need to invest in some study skills. There are any number of ways to study from reviewing notes to focusing on key terms to annotating a text. If one tool is not working, invite your child to change it. But make sure you talk about why it’s not working. And ask them if the new choice is more useful and why. It’s an opportunity to reflect on learning and not simply getting things done. To spur your thinking, we have provided a sample list of learning tools that your child might use.

Study Skills

Source: Fisher, D., Frey, N., Hattie, J., & Flories, K. (2019). Becoming an assessment-capable visible learner, grades 3–5. Learner’s notebook. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin.

Take action

• ➔ Check in on the goals you and your child set. Remember the individual and family goals we discussed in Mindframe #2? Have some intermittent check-in points to monitor progress and make adjustments. If it is a monthly goal, establish check-ins at the end of the first week and the third week. Longer- and shorter-term goal check-ins should be adjusted accordingly. A good basic rule is that younger children benefit from shorter goals and more frequent check-ins.
• ➔ Don’t misinterpret an adjustment as a sign of failure. Sometimes a goal that is initially set may prove to be a mismatch and in need of being changed a bit. That’s okay, and make sure your child knows that, too. Monitoring progress toward a goal invariably comes with some adjustments along the way. When your child undershoots or overshoots on a goal, they are also learning how to better calibrate between goal setting and goal completion.
• ➔ Keep a visual tool for your child to monitor progress. You know those lines at public attractions that are roped off so that people snake around a pathway until they get to the entrance? In addition to providing some order and organization, those lines work on a psychological level. Every time you turn a corner, you actually get a little subconscious reward because you made interim progress toward your goal of getting to the entrance. Visual cues that allow your child to keep track of progress accomplish a similar function. A checklist on the refrigerator, a running total on the kitchen bulletin board, or a door message board on your child’s bedroom door—all of these work well in providing a visual reminder of their progress.

 Key Messages

Monitoring is an important aspect of self-regulation. And learning to adjust actions to reach a goal is another important life skill. Your child was not born with the ability to do this. It’s taught and practiced. These are the key messages:

• ➔ Adopt, adapt, or develop tools that your child can use to monitor their progress in learning.
• ➔ Engage in conversations about the progress your child is making, attributing success to the efforts put forth.
• ➔ Give your child permission to make adjustments in their learning plan. And provide options for ways to accomplish the learning.

Student Mindframe 6:
Recognize your learning and teach others.

What is it?

The final student mindframe requires that children learn to think about their thinking. In the academic world, it’s known as metacognition. But it’s easier to say thinking about thinking. As children become more reflective, they recognize that learning has occurred and that their efforts resulted in their success. They don’t attribute their learning to others; they realize they are the cause of it. Of course, others helped, but they come to understand that they can continue to learn.

Why is it important?

Recognizing that you have learned something is an important skill. First, it signals that you’re ready for something else. There is no longer the need to devote cognitive resources that way. Second, success breeds success, and when a child realizes that they have learned something, they are more likely to want to learn more. And third, when a child realizes that they have learned something, they are excited and want to talk with others about it. Thus, we recommend that you stop asking your child “What did you do today?” and instead ask “What did you learn today?”

TEACHING SOMETHING TO SOMEONE ELSE ALLOWS YOU TO LEARN IT TWICE.

Of course, there are levels of learning. At a lower level, the child has acquired knowledge, skills, and concepts. Eventually, the child is able to consolidate their learning and perform consistently across time. Eventually, the child’s learning will generalize to different contexts, which we call transfer of learning. That means that they are applying their learning to a new situation. Practice is important to ensure that students own this level of learning. You can help with this by creating situations in which your child can apply their knowledge in different situations and at different times. For example, while learning to read, recognizing letters or sight words can be practiced throughout the home at different times of day. Engaging in collaborative conversations is not reserved for a Zoom meeting; children can practice with their friends and siblings.

Once a child has learned something, teaching it to someone else can assist in transfer or ownership of that learning. The effect size research is pretty clear about this. Peers tutoring each other is beneficial to both. As the adage suggests, teaching something to someone else allows you to learn it twice. You can set up opportunities for your child to teach others, perhaps younger siblings. There’s also an opportunity for your child to teach others in the neighborhood, virtually and without the teacher present. It’s even been shown that reading to a pet can boost reading skills.

Finally, we have argued that there are mindframes that children need to develop. Thus, learning should not be limited to the content in the classroom. You can be more explicit about the habits that your child needs to develop by asking them to reflect on their developing mindframes. Here’s a sample tool to do so (and a downloadable copy is available on the companion website):

Self-Report Card: _________________________________________ Date: _______________

Topic: __________________________________ Grade I Give Myself: __________________

Rate yourself on the following:

Mindframes	Novice	Apprentice	Practitioner?	Pro
I know what I am supposed to be learning.
I know what success looks like.
I know what my performance is like compared to what I need to learn.
I know what tools are available to help me.
I select tools to help me reach my goals and own my learning.
I monitor my own progress.
I seek out and use feedback.
I achieved the learning goals.

I want my teacher to know . . .

Available for download at resources.corwin.com/DLparents

Take action

• ➔ Encourage your child to teach you something they have learned in school. Reinforce accomplishments your child has completed by asking them to teach you something they learned. Small children who are just learning to read are delighted to read aloud to you. If your child has been studying about the Glorious Revolution of 1688, ask him why it got that name. It doesn’t matter whether you already know something they have just learned. The point is to provide another opportunity to reinforce knowledge. In doing so, you instill a sense of pride and communicate how much you value him.
• ➔ Encourage your child to teach the family something they have learned on their own. Television talk show host David Letterman used to have an occasional feature called “Stupid Human Tricks.” If you watched these, you realized that most of them were not stupid at all but were certainly unique. Host a monthly family night where everyone gets to teach the rest of the family a “human trick.” Members of the family might learn a magic trick, how to hang a spoon on their noses, how to make a balloon animal, a hair braiding technique, or a feature on the smartphone that no one else knows about.

 Key Messages

Using a tool like the one on the previous page allows you to get a glimpse inside your child’s mind and it provides them an opportunity to consider learning on a larger scale. The point is that mindframes are habits that extend beyond the current learning expectations. They are useful as we grow and develop. They’re even likely for you in your workplace.

Recognizing that you have learned something is motivating. It’s worth the time and effort because it builds habits that are useful beyond the current year. These are the key messages:

• ➔ Children need tools to recognize that they have learned something.
• ➔ Talk with your child about learning, not about doing.
• ➔ Ensure that your child has practice opportunities so that the learning transfers.
• ➔ Create opportunities for your child to teach others things that they have learned.

The 10 Mindframes for Families

We have focused on the mindframes that we hope to develop in young people so that they become their own teachers, or in the language of schools, lifelong learners. Mindframes are ways of viewing the world, ways of thinking that can help frame how you see, talk with, and listen to your children. Below are 10 mindframes that can help you assist your child in their learning regardless of the structure of the school—distance, blended, or in person.

1. I am an evaluator of my impact on my children’s learning.
2. I see the power of collaborating with others in parenting our children.
3. I value what my child brings to the family and world.
4. I understand the centrality of my child.
5. I have appropriately high expectations.
6. I listen, build trust, and know how to gradually release responsibility.
7. I know the balancing act between developing autonomy, relatedness, and competence.
8. I appreciate the power of feedback and the place for praise as well as errors.
9. I know how to work with the school.
10. I am a parent, not a schoolteacher.

WE SHOULDN’T FOCUS NARROWLY ON GRADES WHILE OVERLOOKING THE LEARNING.

In the sections that follow, we will briefly explore how each of these mindframes is woven into your ways of thinking.

Family Mindframe 1:
I am an evaluator of my impact on my children’s learning.

Impact is a powerful word. The question is, did your efforts to ensure that your child learned something actually result in learning? Was there an impact on their learning? Too much attention is spent on the processes and not enough on the outcomes. Do your homework. Get on the Zoom meeting. Pay attention to the teacher. Study. Those may be useful in impacting learning, but the question of impact has not yet been answered.

We shouldn’t focus narrowly on grades while overlooking the learning. We want children to earn good grades. But those grades should reflect learning and not compliance. We’re not suggesting that you can change a teacher’s grading system. We have spent a great deal of time attempting to change the discussions in schools from the teaching to the learning.

At home, we ask the same of you. If you choose any of the strategies in Section 2 or 3 of this book, how will you know that they impacted your child’s learning? If you require that your child complete a specific number of tasks, how will you know that they enhanced learning?

This mindframe requires that you shift your thinking from compliance on tasks, to the ways in which the tasks impact your child’s learning. Remember:

• ➔ Ask your child what they learned and not what they did.
• ➔ Help your child monitor their progress toward goals.
• ➔ Have discussions about what they understand success could look like as they begin an activity.
• ➔ Talk more about the learning than the grades. Celebrate the effort and process.
• ➔ Choose something to learn yourself and model the ways in which you know that you are learning.

Family Mindframe 2:
I see the power of collaborating with others in parenting our children.

The African proverb that it takes a village to raise a child speaks to the importance of collaboration in the emotional, psychological, and physical well-being of young people. This collaboration begins within the family from birth as parents and other caregivers learn to coordinate their viewpoints to create consistency. Children crave stability from the people they love and look to for guidance. It doesn’t mean that everyone has to entirely agree on every point. However, the collective reliability of the caring adults in a child’s life form a foundation of security that provides children with the confidence to try new things.

When formal schooling begins, the village gets a bit larger. Educators should partner with families for the common goal of expanding a child’s academic identity and agency in ways that enhance his understanding of himself and the world. These partnerships are fostered in two ways: the openness of the school and the openness of the parent. This mindframe comes from the family side of the equation. The strengths you possess are tremendously influential. Student voice surveys repeatedly show that over 90 percent of students report that their families care about their education and name their families as personal heroes. And teachers want their students to do well in school and in life. We’re not at cross purposes, but we don’t always know how to talk to one another in ways that are growth-producing for all.

You might begin by introducing yourself to your child’s teacher so as to establish a relationship—and even better to do this with your child involved. There’s no need to wait until Back to School Night to meet the teacher. Drop a quick email or leave a voice message that includes your contact information. Sometimes teachers can be hesitant to approach a parent, so this sends a clear signal that you welcome the opportunity.

STAND TOGETHER WITH YOUR CHILD’S TEACHER SO THAT YOUR CHILD SEES THE TEACHER AS PART OF THE TEAM.

Model mutual respect for your child. Teachers know pedagogy and parents know parenting. While there is some overlap, it isn’t one and the same. One of the very best things you can do is stand together with your child’s teacher so that your child sees the teacher as part of the team.

Presume positive intentions when an assignment is problematic. Even when there is a conflict to be resolved, it is useful to approach the situations with the view that the teacher has your child’s interests in mind. Work together to find solutions that are child centered, keeping in mind that sometimes the outcomes may be difficult for your child in the short term but instructive for her in the long term. Remember:

• ➔ Consistent messages from the family and school create a stable and reliable space for your child to thrive.
• ➔ One of the very best things you can do for your child is to build their network. Your child’s teachers are an important part of that team.
• ➔ Model for your child how you consider the viewpoints of others when working through a conflict at school. There is nothing to be gained from undermining the respect of your child for the school.

Family Mindframe 3:
I value what my child brings to the family and world.

You are your children’s advocate, encourager, guide, and protector. As an advocate, you seek out opportunities for them to grow. As an encourager, you console them when they are suffering and search for the life lessons that accompany many challenges. As a guide, you make sure they regularly try new things that stretch them, but you don’t take the journey for them. And as their protector, you do your best to ensure their emotional and physical safety.

In doing so, you learn about who your children are through their responses to the world around them. Some children are shy and reserved while others are extroverts who are the center of attention everywhere they go. And these different personalities may co-exist in the same household. Each child brings unique value to your family and to the world. As a keeper of your child’s history you have the singular viewpoint of watching them develop across many years.

The value each child brings is singular and isn’t comparable to other children in the family or outside of it. Resist the urge to make comparisons to what other children are or aren’t doing. Academically, many of the benchmark indicators represent an average, so there is a range broader than a single number can fully convey. Think more in terms of personal bests, and this will focus on each child’s investment to exceed their previous best and keep improving. In the meantime, reinforce the value your child brings to the family in terms of their interests, skills, and insightfulness. Your child will carry your words with them throughout their life (even if you think they’re not listening to you much at the moment).

Share with their teacher the ways your children are valued by your family. Educators catch only fleeting glimpses of who their students are outside of an academic setting. Tell the teacher that this child is kind to their younger siblings, shares the same sense of humor as their grandmother, and loves beating their older brother when they play board games. Those insights that only you know help the teacher to cultivate an appreciative eye of your child’s caring and understand when they are a bit of a class clown or get a little too competitive with classmates. Remember:

• ➔ Each child possesses unique value to the family and the world.
• ➔ Other people’s children are equally of value.
• ➔ Resist comparing children.
• ➔ Celebrate and share what they each bring.

Family Mindframe 4:
I understand the centrality of my child.

Most parents would confess that there have been times when a child has done something amazing and you think to yourself, “He got that from me!” On the other hand, when he’s not been the shining star you think, “He’s just like ______”, usually someone from the other parent’s family. Taking pride in your child’s accomplishments is one of the many rewards of parenting. But it is important to remember that each child is their own unique individual, and not clones of ourselves. Their accomplishments belong to them, and not to their parents. The same is true for their struggles.

We want the best for our children, but it is healthy for everyone involved to recognize the centrality of the individual. Parenting gone bad happens when a child is pushed hard to achieve something because the parent believes it reflects positively on them. Many of us have witnessed the fallout when a parent lives through their child. No child should have to bear the impossible responsibility of living up to their parent’s dreams to the exclusion of their own. Whether it is getting into a university, earning a position on a sports team, or being elected to student government, these accomplishments belong to them. When the self-worth of an adult is drawn from a child, it steals the achievement from the young person. It belongs to them alone.

The same thing goes for their struggles. When children have difficulty socially or academically, be there to console and guide them. Discipline them fairly if that’s what the situation warrants. But resist the urge to make it something you internalize about yourself. Children need acceptance in equal measure at their brightest and darkest moments. A parent who turns a child’s imperfection into evidence of one’s own defect damages the unconditional regard a young person needs from their family.

FAR TOO MANY PARENTS ARE UNDULY INFLUENCED BY REPORT CARDS AND GRADES.

Remembering the centrality of the child as an individual and not as an extension of yourself protects your relationship with them. It preserves the joy they experience when they achieve a goal, allowing it to fuel their sense of agency. When they fail, the security you exhibit as an adult and a parent reminds them that you are there for them no matter what. Remember:

• ➔ Each child is a unique individual and separate from you.
• ➔ Their accomplishments belong to them, as do their struggles.
• ➔ Parents are there to guide, console, celebrate, and accept them. That’s your superpower.

Family Mindframe 5:
I have appropriately high expectations.

High expectations are a powerful way to accelerate learning. In general, children rise to the expectations that they, and the people around them, have. It works in reverse as well. When there are minimal expectations, a child often accomplishes just that. Importantly, the expectations do need to be reasonable but challenging. The Goldilocks principle should drive the expectations we have for children—not too hard, not too easy, and not too boring.

Undoubtedly, your expectations have been influenced by your child’s past performance. There’s evidence for that as well. Past performance is a strong predictor of future performance, but it’s not destiny. There are actions you and the teachers can take to change course. But you have to expect that learning will accelerate and then allocate resources (time, efforts) to accomplish that.

Far too many parents are unduly influenced by report cards and grades. Yes, you want to monitor these documents, but often these do not reflect the progress your child has made over time, and they are notoriously subjective. Don’t let these reports reduce the expectations you have for your child.

There are two general types of goals, which are one way that we can express our expectations. The first is mastery, or the accomplishments we hope for children in terms of their learning. The second is performance, or the scores and grades that they earn. Mastery goals are much more powerful in ensuring learning.

Are you clear about the expectations you have for your child? Are these expectations focused on learning or on grades? Remember:

• ➔ Hold high, and reasonable, expectations for your children’s learning.
• ➔ Don’t be overly influenced by report cards and grades in terms of your expectations.
• ➔ Talk about your hopes and expectations for your child’s learning.
• ➔ Help your child set mastery goals for learning.

Family Mindframe 6:
I listen, build trust, and know how to gradually release responsibility.

There are three parts to this mindframe:

The first is listening. The opposite of speaking is not waiting to speak again; it’s listening. In terms of your child’s learning, they need you to listen. They need you to hear them and the language they use. Listening allows you to know what stuck with them and what they are confused about. And listening helps you understand your child’s perspective on the world.

The second is trust. Trusting relationships are critical for growth. Trust involves age-appropriate honesty, reliability, and openness. When there is trust, children are more likely to take risks and feel comfortable making errors. And not just between you and your child. They look to see if you trust the teacher.

And last is gradually releasing responsibility. This is a framework for teaching that has been around for several decades. It’s useful for you as well. Slowly but steadily increase the responsibility that your child has for learning. As they are able to assume that responsibility, you can give them more. And if there is a problem, you may have to take back some of that responsibility.

These three principles—listening, trust, and a gradual release of responsibility—are valuable characteristics of effective partnerships with the school. Parent–teacher partners who make the effort to listen carefully to one another are more productive. The maxim to “seek to understand, before being understood” builds trust among the adults, thereby speeding up results. And look for the evolution of a gradual release of responsibility across the school year. As your child builds their skills, they need opportunities to apply them in increasingly independent ways. In order to do so, the teacher systematically shifts a greater amount of responsibility to the student to exercise those muscles. They may not always be successful in doing so, but those errors and missteps are an important way in which they become a more independent learner. Celebrate their successes and attempts.

CHILDREN’S MAJOR SOURCES OF MEANINGFULNESS ARE THE FAMILY AND SCHOOL.

Together, these three ensure that your child has the support necessary for learning. Without any one of these—being heard, developing trust, or increasing responsibility—your child’s learning may suffer. Remember:

• ➔ Listening can signal when you need to take action.
• ➔ Listening tells your child that they are important.
• ➔ Trust facilitates bonding and ensures the child that they can make errors.
• ➔ Releasing responsibility demonstrates trust and expectations.

Family Mindframe 7:
I know the balancing act between developing autonomy, relatedness, and competence.

Humans seek meaningfulness throughout their lives. Children’s major sources of meaningfulness are the family and school. Another way to understand meaningfulness is to view it as satisfaction. Young people who experience satisfaction at home and school

• See their choices as expressions of their authentic and valued selves
• Feel connected to others and understand that they are cared about by others
• Believe that their actions have a positive impact on others

These beliefs about oneself are interconnected and each enhances the other.

The first, autonomy, is fostered through the habit of being able to make choices that are reasonable and allow your child to reflect who they are. As an example, parents give toddlers opportunities to pick between clothing items, even when the results are somewhat unconventional.

The second, relatedness, is the belief on the part of the child that their actions and choices are supported by caring people. That sense of affinity and bonding forms the secure foundation that allows them to explore and try new things. Any parent who has sent a young child off to a new experience recognizes that the trembling lower lip indicates some anxiety that they overcome because they are secure that you will be there to support them.

The third is competence, which is belief that one’s actions matter to others and are valued by people they care about. Competence is tied to mastery of a goal, whether it is setting the table or completing a college admissions application. We’ve discussed many times throughout this book the importance of helping children to set academic and nonacademic goals, as it contributes to a growing sense of their own competence to do more and appreciate their own progress.

As a parent it’s a bit like being a plate spinner, trying to keep all of these going. Like the plate spinner, you are rapidly shifting your attention among the three, making decisions about how to build each while maintaining harmony among them. Sacrificing one means sacrificing all because a child who is weighed down by external pressures without any opportunity to exercise autonomy, who feels alone and disconnected from others, and who believes himself to be incompetent is at great risk for feeling a loss of meaning.

It’s difficult to watch your child go down in defeat in a sport that he doesn’t play very well. But celebrate the fact that he took a risk and made choices. You’re there to comfort and encourage him because he is secure in your unconditional regard for him as a person. It isn’t easy to witness your teenager select high school courses that aren’t aligned to her goals, despite your advice. But understand that she is exploring her autonomy and actions, and in the aftermath of the regrets that she may suffer, you’re there to counsel her about next steps.

It’s all a balancing act, and no parent (or school) ever gets it 100 percent right every time, with every child. Remember:

• ➔ Provide lots of opportunities for developmentally appropriate choices to build autonomy.
• ➔ Help your child set goals and process their goal attainment and goal failure in equal measure.
• ➔ Unconditional regard is most important when your child struggles, but it might also be the time when they have trouble perceiving it. Make sure your children know you are there for them always.
• ➔ You don’t expect perfection from your child. Extend that grace to yourself.

Family Mindframe 8:
I appreciate the power of feedback and the place for praise as well as errors.

In Section 2, we discussed feedback in the context of academic learning. As we had noted, feedback is used to advance learning by bridging what a student currently does to that which he is not doing yet. The types of feedback that work especially well are feedback about the task, about the process, and the self-regulation required. Less effective, in the context of learning, is feedback about the individual as a person. Simply saying “You’re awesome!” doesn’t give the learner much guidance about what to do next.

In the context of parenting, praise is appropriate, especially in measured doses. The unconditional regard you hold for your child is expressed in part by the heaps of love you sprinkle on your child. When you do praise, make it matter by using it for things they can control, such as their effort and actions, and not for talent or ability. This can have the opposite of your intended effect, as it can cause a child to avoid challenge and stick only with what they already know how to do.

Expand your repertoire by providing effective feedback about nonacademic situations. The advantage to doing so is that it provides your child with knowledge about what they should stop, start, or continue doing. In other words, they can take action. “You did a good job with the dinner dishes—clean and dry!” (task). “It seems like you were in a hurry and didn’t finish” (self-regulation). “Remember that the job’s not done until they’re put away” (process).

WHEN YOU DO PRAISE, MAKE IT MATTER BY USING IT FOR THINGS THEY CAN CONTROL, SUCH AS THEIR EFFORT AND ACTIONS, AND NOT FOR TALENT OR ABILITY.

The errors they make in nonacademic situations contribute to their learning, especially if you provide the kind of feedback that moves them forward. Some people call it “constructive feedback” because it is action oriented and doesn’t focus on the shortcomings of the person. Remember:

• ➔ Use effective feedback to provide your child with information about what to start, stop, or continue doing.
• ➔ Love and encouragement are valuable; praise efforts and actions to give them room to embrace challenge.
• ➔ Naturalize errors by talking about your own and how you address them.

Family Mindframe 9:
I know how to work with the school.

Schools are partners with you in your child’s learning and as in any good partnership, each brings skills and strengths to the collaboration. Partners in any endeavor bring out the best in one another when there is mutual respect. The unique contributions of each amplify the efforts of the other.

Partnerships between families and schools provide a solid foundation for mutual growth. These partnerships are best built before there is any conflict; in practice that isn’t always possible. However, even in conflict, partnerships can be forged. The National Parent Teacher Association offers guidelines for developing and maintaining ways for schools and families to work together in healthy and beneficial ways:

• ➔ Welcoming all families into the school community requires not only that schools create a productive climate but also that families are welcoming of one another. An inclusive climate depends on every member, including those with differing cultural, racial, economic, and family structures from your own.
• ➔ Effectively communicating such that information is shared with one another, and that families seek to be active and engaged members of the school community. This looks different for every family and is not limited to those who are able to volunteer. Effective communication means that ideas and input are offered for the common good, not only on issues that directly impact your child.
• ➔ Supporting student success requires that families provide children with the social, emotional, psychological, and physical nurturing that makes it possible for the school to build academic learning.
• ➔ Speaking up for every child extends the previous standard. Families advocate for those who struggle to meet the needs of their children and partner with the school to attend to the needs of the most vulnerable.
• ➔ Sharing power means that democratic principles of schooling are embodied in a willingness to debate ideas, listen to one another, and find win-win solutions.
• ➔ Collaborating with the community is at the heart of working shoulder to shoulder with your child’s school. The school as an organization is a manifestation of the community it serves, including those who do not have an enrolled child. The school is an arm of the community at large. As a member of the community, you use your voice to connect the school to resources. The school is also a member of the community and seeks to leverage community resources to benefit those it serves.

Remember:

• ➔ Strong partnerships between you and the school are dependent on your willingness to do so.
• ➔ Effective partnerships need honest and growth-producing communication that is oriented to finding mutually beneficial solutions.
• ➔ Families advocate for their own children, other families, and the community at large.

Family Mindframe 10:
I am a parent, not a schoolteacher.

You are your child’s first and best teacher. Your child looks to you as a model of how to move through the world. Parenting is a huge undertaking that shapes a child’s identity and actions. From you they learn the moral and ethical responsibilities that will guide them for the rest of their lives. We offer this mindframe as a reminder about the essential role you play in the life of your child. This mindframe is intended to encourage you to give the grace to yourself that you extend to others.

There are also people that you bring into your child’s life because of the skills they possess. The pediatrician, the dentist, and the athletic coach each provide a service that improves your child’s life in one form or another. Add teachers to that list of knowledgeable adults that play a part in your child’s development. In the crisis teaching of spring 2020, parents did heroic things in partnership with schools to keep some semblance of learning happening. Now we want to lift some of that burden from your shoulders. Remember, a lot of the minutes spent in physical school focus on things your child already knows. Thus, there is time to ensure that your child learns what they need to.

YOUR VOICE AS A PARENT IS CRUCIAL TO IMPROVING SCHOOLING FOR ALL STUDENTS. BUT WE CAN’T HELP IF YOU DON’T SAY SOMETHING.

The ideas throughout this book are intended to illuminate the important things you do to support your child’s learning. They are ideas. We don’t expect you to do them all. Importantly, we don’t want you to feel as though you need to be your child’s chemistry teacher, too. Distance learning that is planned and crafted with long-term outcomes in mind provides your child with a more coherent schooling experience. And your child will learn. Implement the basics from the first section, do what you can to assist in learning, ensure your child’s well-being, and work to develop the mindframes in this final section. All will be well.

We encourage you to be comfortable asking for help from your child’s teacher, school, or district. Your voice as a parent is crucial to improving schooling for all students. But we can’t help if you don’t say something. Be comfortable with saying to your child “I don’t know” when she asks a question about a subject she’s studying. Follow it up with, “How could you ask that question of your teacher?” If a teacher shares some data with you and it’s not clear to you what it means, speak up and say, “Please explain this so I can understand what it says about my child’s learning.” As a parent, you already have a big job. Do the things that make a difference in your child’s life and understand that you don’t also need to be your child’s chief reading, mathematics, social studies, science, and art teacher. Remember:

• ➔ A parent is a child’s first and primary teacher.
• ➔ Allow yourself the grace to not be the go-to expert on everything.
• ➔ Professional teachers are positioned to provide their pedagogical knowledge to foster learning.
• ➔ Communicate with your child’s teacher, school, and district about what is working and when you need help.
• ➔ Encourage your child to communicate with their teacher directly about their learning.