The metaphor of the Hero’s Journey is perfectly suitable for the exploration phase of your gender identity journey. Also known as the Road of Trials,40 this stage can be filled with Tests, Allies, and Enemies, the Approach to the Inmost Cave, and Ordeals.41
Imagine you decide to seek out the advice of a wizard, medicine woman, or oracle before you begin this portion of your journey. You are sitting before them and are ready to hear what advice they have to offer. They pause dramatically and then speak:
“I know you must be eager to begin your exploration. Nevertheless, you must take the time to gather nutrients from these wisdom tips. They are your food, your fuel, and your water for the next part of your quest. They will be there for you when you encounter the Road of Trials.”
As one of the trusted mentors on your journey, I am here to send you off with words of wisdom in preparation for what’s ahead. These tips are the result of years of observation, research, and experience. Breathe, focus, and listen to what they have to say. Also, be sure to take notes, as they will be there for you to return to at any point in time. You will need them.
WISDOM TIP 1: WHAT TO EXPECT FROM EXPLORATION
Take a moment to imagine one of your favorite explorers. It can be someone real or a fictional character. If you were to create a montage of the various moments of this explorer’s life, what would it look like? I imagine one of my childhood heroes, Indiana Jones.42 When it’s time for him to set off on an adventure I see his life filled with moments of excitement, confusion, discovery, fear (“Snakes!”), humor, pain, mistakes, and victories. This is what you can expect during your exploration montage as well.
Here’s what you should keep in mind as you prepare for what lies ahead:
• Have someplace you can keep track of your exploration ideas. We’ll take a closer look at how you can do this in the first chapter of this section.
• Exploration will be different for each reader of this book. Your exploration will be influenced by factors such as where you live, your financial situation, your personality, your life experiences, your support system, your relationship status, your age, your resourcefulness, your health, etc. There is no exploration process that is right or better than another. It’s about tapping into your own unique strengths and abilities.
• Remind yourself of the steps you have already taken to prepare for this journey. Read through your answers from Stage One: Preparation (page 45). You now understand your fears and have a plan for approaching them. You minimized negativity in your life and learned how to take better care of yourself. You established a Mentor and a support team and created an internal Bodyguard and Nurturer. (If you have not yet taken these steps, please pause and do so before continuing. These preparations are crucial for you to be able to take on the full impact of this journey.)
• Be prepared for changes to happen. What will those changes be? There’s no way to know for sure. Will some them be incredible and gratifying and others painful and difficult? Probably and probably. This is why exploration is frequently the most courageous step you can take in this journey: you never know where it is going to lead.
• As often as you can, take time to reflect on your exploration process. What’s worked? What hasn’t worked? What have you learned about yourself so far? Do you need to pause and take time for self-care? Do you need to pick up the pace? Do you need to slow down? Frequent reflection is crucial to your success. That’s why every chapter in Stage Three: Exploration ends with a Check-In Time for you to reflect on your progress.
• Your plan will be thrown off. Your journey will change course with unexpected shortcuts, detours, roadblocks, and U-turns. It’s best to expect this from the start. Some of these twists will be pleasant surprises. Others will knock the wind out of you, so much so that you might be tempted to turn around and go back home. In the end you can utilize creative solutions, patience, resourcefulness, and faith in yourself to make it through the more challenging parts of the journey.
• Exploration is a life-long process. You will learn a great deal about yourself during this portion of the book. Most importantly, you will learn that your exploration process never truly ends. Your gender identity is only one facet of who you are, and you will almost certainly unearth more information about yourself than you anticipate. This will continue throughout the course of your life. Even though periods of exploration will fluctuate between intense and calm, new discoveries are always there, waiting to be made. You can use the techniques you have learned in this book for any future journeys you find yourself on.
WISDOM TIP 2: USE YOUR SELF-CARE CHECKLIST
Hopefully by now, turning to your Self-Care Checklist has become a part of your daily routine. In Stage Three: Exploration, there won’t be cues before and after exercises for you to do this. Therefore, I encourage you to pause and take the time to:
• Revisit your list. Are there any items you need to add to your list? Which ones have you found to be of greatest use to you? Are there any items you need to remove? (i.e., items you have outgrown, which have become too distracting, overly escapist, etc.)
• Set a reminder for yourself. If you think you might forget to use your Self-Care Activities throughout Stage Three, create a reminder for yourself. You can take time right now to write Self-Care Activity throughout this part of the guide. Or, if you are reading this in digital form, use the appropriate tools on hand to create reminder notes.
• Make it really hard to forget. Hang your Self-Care Checklist in places you spend a lot of time. You can also share it with loved ones, so they can offer reminders to you to follow through with items on your list.
• Make it rewarding. When you take the time to use your Self-Care Checklist, the reward comes from how much better you feel when you use it compared to when you don’t. Since it can be easy to forget what this feels like, take a few moments to write down how you feel every time you use your checklist. Also write down how it feels when you don’t use the checklist. By comparing how you feel when you use the checklist to when you don’t, you will eventually make connections between how much better you feel when you schedule in time for your Self-Care Activities.
WISDOM TIP 3: LEARN FROM THOSE WHO’VE BEEN THERE
I conducted a survey through my Conversations with a Gender Therapist Facebook community to ask my audience what advice they would have for those who are in search of answers to their questions about their gender identity.43
Here are the top responses from those individuals who have already been through this experience:
• Get into therapy/counseling.
• Get support from loved ones.
• Learn (and believe) that being transgender, nonbinary, and gender diverse exist as options.
• Work on not judging yourself harshly or negatively.
• Seek out and experience validation of who you are and how you feel.
• Realize that medically and/or socially transitioning to your true gender is possible and something can be done about it.
• Find people around whom you can be yourself.
• Say the words aloud that you are thinking and feeling.
• Realize that concerns about possibly transitioning are often concerns about other people.
• Learn the language that describes your existence.
• Examine what you were taught about gender vs. who you are discovering you actually are.
• Realize that gender dysphoria can be physical, mental, emotional, social, or all of the above.
• Recognize you don’t have to experience gender dysphoria to be trans or to want to transition.
• Realize there’s no such thing as not being “trans enough.”
• Understand there is a gender continuum as opposed to having to choose between one or the other.
• Try things until you it feels right to you, whatever that means.
• Figure out what resources other people use.
• Talk with people who are like you/going through a similar experience.
If any of these ideas sounded of interest to you, you are in luck. We will go into detail as to how you can follow through on many of the items on this list throughout Stage Three: Exploration.
WISDOM TIP 4: THE STAGES OF GENDER IDENTITY FORMATION
It might bring comfort to some of you to know there are stages that a significant number of individuals go through as they try to make sense of their gender identity. These stages were first conceived by Aaron H. Devor, PhD (a sociologist, sexologist, and trans man) in 2004 and are summarized below.44 I’ve made a few adjustments to his descriptions of gender identity to create consistency with current terminology.
This list is by no means an absolute determinant for how one goes through their gender identity realizations. It merely demonstrates that it is normal and expected to experience confusion, uncertainty, and curiosity throughout this process.
Here are things to keep in mind as you read through Devor’s stages:
• These stages are going to be different for everyone.
• Not all of the stages have to be experienced.
• The stages do not have to be experienced in the order listed.
• The length of each stage will vary from person to person.
• Some of the stages may end up being repeated/returned to.
• One might settle at a certain stage and choose to not move past it.
See if you can relate to any of the stages. Return to this list as often as you need to throughout your journey.45
Stage 1: Underlying/Unexplainable Anxiety
Not being sure why you feel the way you feel.
Stage 2: Confusion Around Your Gender Assigned at Birth
Wondering if the gender you were assigned at birth actually matches who you are.
Stage 3: Making Comparisons
Seeking out and exploring other gender identities as possibilities while not knowing consciously why you are doing this.
Stage 4: Discovering the Word [Transgender]
Learning this is something that exists.
Stage 5: Confusion Around Your Identity Related to Being [Transgender]
Questioning the authenticity of whether or not your experience matches that of being [transgender].
Stage 6: Making Comparisons Between Yourself and Those Who Are [Transgender]
Testing and experimenting to see if other gender options are ones you can identify with. Identifying less with your gender assigned at birth.
Stage 7: Possible Acceptance of Being [Transgender]
Beginning to conclude that you probably are [transgender].
Stage 8: Delay of Acceptance of Being [Transgender]
Possible fears and challenges arise. Seeking more confirmation of being [transgender].
Stage 9: Acceptance of Being [Transgender]
Concluding that you are indeed [transgender].
Stage 10: Delay Before Transition (optional)
Gathering information on how to transition. Considering changes that might occur socially, professionally, etc.
Stage 11: Transition (optional)
Undergoing social and/or medical transition.
Stage 12: Acceptance of Self, Post-Transition
Establishing self as one’s true gender identity, both internally and externally.
Incorporating your gender identity with all aspects of who you are.
Stage 14: Pride
Being open and out as [transgender]. Possibly getting involved with advocacy for [transgender] rights.
WISDOM TIP 5: SIMPLIFYING THE COMPLICATED
Your gender identity touches and affects nearly every aspect of the way you experience yourself in the world and the way the world experiences you. When all these layers are competing for attention it can make the task of exploring your gender feel overwhelming and complicated. Therefore it is important you learn how to simplify things by examining each layer separately. Once you’ve done this you can bring all the pieces back together to see your big picture with more clarity and find more accurate answers about your gender identity.
Here are examples of the layers that might be affecting your exploration of your gender identity:
• Sexual orientation questions
• Childhood trauma and/or influences
• Mental illness (diagnosed and undiagnosed)
• The influence of learned gender stereotypes
• Physical discomfort with your gender
• Mental and emotional discomfort with your gender
• Social discomfort with your gender
• A sense of dislike toward certain genders
• A preference for certain genders
• Internalized transphobia and/or homophobia
• Personality traits
• Religious/spiritual influences
In the following chapters, you’ll begin the process of peeling back your layers, one by one. Then, once you’ve completed these chapters, you’ll learn how to integrate these various aspects of yourself to form a more complete picture of who you are.
You are a complex, multifaceted being, which can be both amazing and overwhelming to experience. Examining each of these layers individually is the key to getting through this process without being swallowed up by the enormity of it.
WISDOM TIP 6: LABEL-FREE GENDER IDENTITY EXPLORATION
Do you believe having the words to explain your gender identity is of high importance? Do you prefer not to be labeled? Do you think you’ll find words to describe how you feel now but could see yourself not using them later?
Regardless of which camp you fall into, many of the exercises in Stage Three: Exploration are geared toward exploring gender as thoroughly as possible without having to assign a name to what you discover. Being able to answer questions about yourself without the pressure of a final destination can be very freeing. For example, you could go into this part of the guide wondering, “Am I or am I not transgender?” Or, you could try to approach yourself with curiosity as a whole person and with an open mind.
As you work through the exercises in Stage Three: Exploration, keep in mind there is no need for black and white answers to the questions you have about your gender. Gender is complex, multilayered, and very individualized. There are many options and combinations for you to choose from to find what fits you. This is a somewhat new line of thinking that many (though certainly not all) parts of the world are beginning to embrace, and I encourage to you keep that in mind as you progress through this part of the book. Upon completion of Stage Three: Exploration, you’ll have the opportunity to explore terms and phrases that you may want to use when describing yourself and your gender identity. The goal is to find what works for you (which may not be what works for someone else).
You may feel pressure to “prove” that you don’t identify as the gender you were assigned at birth and therefore must use certain terms to label yourself and your gender identity. This pressure can come from mental health and medical professionals, your family, your friends, and even from yourself.
It is realistic to keep in mind that we live in a world in which you might need to describe your gender identity to others in such a way that could make you feel uncomfortable. We will take a closer look at that in Chapter 14. In the meantime, try to set aside these pressures as you work through the exercises in this section—this part of the journey is for you.
WISDOM TIP 7: WHAT IF THIS TURNS OUT TO BE TRUE?
For some of you the question, “What if this turns out to be true?” may already be ringing around in your brain (“this” being the need to do something about the gap you feel between your actual gender identity and your gender assigned at birth).
Ask yourself: How much is my fear of ‘this’ keeping me from facing the truth?
It’s completely understandable if this is the case. There are numerous challenges that can arise if one realizes the answer to the question, “Are you uncomfortable with your gender assigned at birth?” is “Yes.”
Here are examples of concerns that can result from having this discovery about oneself:
• “Should I transition medically? If so, how?”
• “Should I transition socially? If so, how?”
• “How do I find a gender therapist?”
• “How should I come out to my family members and friends?”
• “How should I come out at work, school, to my faith community, and in other areas of my life?”
• “What steps do I need to take to legally to change my name and/or gender marker?”
• “In what ways am I protected or not protected by laws in my state and/or country?”
• “How should I handle possible discrimination, harassment, and other forms of negativity?”
• “Does my health insurance cover the costs of transitioning?”
• “How can I plan to cover the costs of transitioning?”
Keep these tips in mind as you begin the Exploration Exercises in Stage Three: Exploration and use them to help you work through any anxiety that may come up as a result of what you discover:
• It is normal to feel overwhelmed by the possibility that this could end up being true.
• Gently check in with yourself as you work through this part of the guide, asking, “Do I really know, deep down, what the answer is? Is my fear of the answer being ‘Yes’ keeping me from admitting it?”
• All of your aha moments during Stage Three: Exploration will help you to move further away from your gender assigned at birth and more toward … well, that’s what you’re trying to figure out. Try to refrain from any predetermined end goal and allow yourself the freedom to see what lies ahead.
• Eventually you’ll find your sweet spot when it comes to the unique way you describe and express your gender identity.
40 Joseph Campbell, “Initiation/The Road of Trials,” in The Hero with a Thousand Faces, (Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press, 1972).
41 Vogler, 1998.
42 Stephen Spielberg, Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, (Los Angeles: Paramount Pictures), 1981, film.
43 Dara Hoffman-Fox, Conversations with a Gender Therapist, Facebook post, n.d., https://www.facebook.com/darahoffmanfoxlpc/posts.
44 Aaron H. Devor, “Witnessing and Mirroring: A Fourteen Stage Model of Transsexual Identity Formation,” Journal of Gay & Lesbian Mental Health 8, no. 1, (2004): 41–67.
45 Although the word “transgender” is used throughout the stages, I’ve put it in brackets to remind you that you can fill in any term that makes more sense for your experience (e.g., nonbinary, gender dysphoric, trans, agender, genderfluid, etc.).