11

WHO, ME?

What to Do When You Are the Gaslighter

WE’VE TALKED ABOUT GASLIGHTING IN MANY DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIPS and scenarios throughout this book. Now, it’s time to address an elephant in the room: What if you suspect that you are a gaslighter? The good news is that people who think they are gaslighters generally aren’t. Throughout the book, I’m sure you’ve observed that true gaslighters think they are totally fine and everyone else has a problem; they have what is called an ego-syntonic personality. True gaslighters would be the last people to seek psychological help. Which is not to say that you might not have some gaslighting traits. If you see yourself as someone with gaslighting behaviors, and you are willing to learn about getting better, you are on the right track here. One of the biggest steps toward making lasting change in your life is acknowledging that you need help.

In this chapter, you will be able to pinpoint which gaslighting behaviors you may practice and start working on those. You may identify some of these behaviors in yourself right away, and others may come as a surprise. You will learn why you gaslight (usually because someone close to you is or was a gaslighter and taught you to be one as well). I want you to understand that while you will have learned much from reading this book, there is also plenty of help available for you.

Many people with gaslighting behaviors go through life having difficulties maintaining good friendships, being in unhealthy (and possibly even abusive) relationships, and not feeling very good about themselves. They may wonder what they are doing wrong, and why life seems to be easier for others. Is any of this true for you? All these experiences are very common for those with gaslighting behaviors.

DO YOU HAVE GASLIGHTING BEHAVIORS?

If you are concerned you might be a gaslighter, look at this list and see if you recognize any of these behaviors in yourself. You:

image Lie often, even in cases where lying doesn’t serve a purpose

image Aren’t direct in telling someone your needs

image Expect people to read your mind and know what you want

image Aren’t sure what constitutes your needs

image Get upset when others can’t figure out your needs

image Try to get people to do what you want instead of just directly asking them

image Don’t tell people what you want, and then get back at those people. This is known as passive-aggressive behavior, which you will learn about later in this chapter.

image Are frustrated when others take more time doing something than you would like

image Have friends and family that tell you that your tone of voice is sarcastic or rough

image Have a short temper

image “Black out” and don’t remember things that you did when you were angry

image See people as mainly selfish and out for their own needs

Well, what do you think? Are you ready for a deeper dive?

FLEAS

In Chapter 8 on gaslighting parents, we talked about the term fleas, as in, “If you lie down with dogs, you’ll get fleas.” People often learn to gaslight from their parents. We look to our parents for cues about how to act as adults—so it is normal to pick up some of their behaviors. If you now show some gaslighting behaviors, chances are you learned them as a form of self-preservation and coping in an abusive or chaotic home. The difference between someone with some gaslighting behaviors and a full-on gaslighter is that true gaslighters use these manipulative behaviors as their only method of relating to the world. That is, true gaslighters use these behaviors in all facets of their lives: home, work, social life, and in the community. My hunch is that you exhibit some of these behaviors when you are under stress or when you are dealing with a true gaslighter, most likely your parent. Please don’t worry. You’ll learn much from this chapter that can help you put your own behavior into context and help steer you toward healthier ways of relating and responding under stress.

SELF-PRESERVATION

When I say that your gaslighting behaviors were likely a form of self-preservation, I mean they were the way you protected yourself from harm. You did what you needed to do to cope and survive. If you lived with a gaslighting parent, you learned coping strategies so as to not be on the receiving end of your parent’s wrath. You learned to lie about even inconsequential things, because your parent was so easily angered. You may be carrying the same self-preservation skills into adulthood.

WHAT IS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?

If you witnessed unhealthy relationships while growing up, or have been in an unhealthy relationship, it may be difficult to know what makes up a truly healthy relationship. Let’s take a look at the components of a healthy relationship. They include:

image Speaking freely about you and your loved one’s needs and wants

image Listening openly to each other’s concerns, without unnecessary interruption

image Refraining from bringing up past issues when they are unrelated to the topic being discussed

image Having boundaries, or limits, for what behavior is acceptable and what is not

image Socializing separately with friends without triggering jealousy or irrational behavior

image Pursuing separate interests without inducing insecurities

image Addressing concerns as they happen, rather than “stonewalling”

image Realizing that people are imperfect

image Receiving a loved one’s “no” respectfully.

Note that when we grow up with gaslighting parents, or have been in gaslighting relationships, we tend to think that the complete absence of arguing is a sign of health. Even people in healthy relationships argue—in fact, arguing can be a healthy way of letting your needs be known to your partner. It’s fighting that is the issue. It is healthy for couples to disagree as long as they address those issues in a respectful manner.

Open Communication

Having open, honest communication is an essential part of a healthy relationship. Keep in mind that honest and open communication is not the same as being “brutally honest” or cruel. You can speak your truth without it being harsh or damaging to the other person.

“I feel” Statements

One of the ways to get your needs across is to use “I feel” statements. In “I feel” statements, you are saying your concern in a respectful way, without blaming the other person. Let’s say there are dirty dishes in the sink when you get home from work. An unhelpful thing to say to your child would be: “I work all day to pay for things—the least you can do is put the dishes in the dishwasher.” This usually results in the dishes’ still not going in the dishwasher. You did not get the intended result and you now have an argument going with your child.

With “I feel” statements, you state your concern without using the word you. People automatically get defensive when they feel accused, and when you is attached to a criticism, they tend not to hear the rest of what you are saying. Also, not using you helps you become part of the solution. In “I feel” statements, you say how you feel about an issue, why the issue is a concern to you, and you add a possible solution. As an alternative to the dishwasher statement above, an “I feel” statement would be: “When I come home to dishes in the sink, I feel frustrated because I like coming home to a clean home. I’d like the dishes to be put in the dishwasher right after eating.”

Note that you are saying exactly what you want your child to do, whereas in the first example you were not. In the first example, you said what bothered you without giving any clear directions to your child. People like knowing exactly what is expected from them, and “I feel” statements do so in a constructive way.

The structure of an “I feel” statement is “When _______________ happens, I feel ________________ because ________________. A solution is _________________.”

It may feel really odd to speak in “I feel” statements at first, especially when you have used another style of communication for years. But just try it once and see how it works. When you see how effective it is, you’ll probably find yourself using “I feel” statements more and more.

Developing a Healthy Communication Style

In your quest to be healthier, it’s helpful to look at how you interact and communicate with others. There are three main styles of communication: passive, aggressive, and assertive. Let’s look at each one and which is best for healthy communication.

Passive Communication: An example of a passive statement might be: “Sure, you can borrow my sweater,” when your grandma gave you that sweater and really you don’t want anyone touching it. Passive statements are usually said in a quieter voice and without much eye contact. In passive communication, what’s being conveyed is “I’m not okay, you’re okay.” You don’t state your own needs, you placate, trying to make the other person happy, while ignoring what you want. Very often, people learn to do this with a gaslighting parent so he doesn’t get out of control.

Aggressive Communication: In aggressive communication, on the other hand, the setup is “I’m okay, you’re not okay.” You state your needs without considering the other person. An example of an aggressive statement is: “Hell no, you’re not borrowing my sweater. You’d look ugly in it anyway.” Your voice is louder than usual. Aggressive communication can also take the form of smiling while saying something vicious—a skill at which gaslighters are experts.

Passive-Aggressive Communication: And then there’s the passive-aggressive speaking style, where you don’t let your needs be known, but you act out toward the other person. You might say, “Sure, you can borrow my sweater,” but you then “forget” to give the other person her mail, or talk badly about her. You are denying your rights and trampling on the other person.

Assertive Communication: In assertive communication, or “I’m okay, you’re okay,” you state your needs while also being respectful of the other person. “I’m sorry, I don’t loan out that sweater.” You are stating your needs (not giving out your sweater) in a respectful way. You are not calling the person names or using an angry tone. Assertive communication is the healthiest way to express your needs.

Let’s say you have been asked to be the head of a committee at work, and you know you don’t have the time to do it. A passive way to respond would be to agree, even though you really don’t want to do it. An aggressive way of responding would be, “No, and never ask me again!” You’ve pretty much assured that people will be scared about asking you anything from then on. A passive-aggressive way to respond would be to say yes, you’ll be on the committee—then, because it is taking up your time, you show up a half-hour late to meetings and don’t answer committee e-mails.

An assertive response would be, “I won’t be able to do that.” Your answer gets to the point. It’s respectful toward the other person, and even more important, it’s respectful toward yourself.

Nonverbal Communication and Voice Tone

Pay attention to your body language when you are talking. You want to communicate that you are open. Arms folded across your chest gives the message “I’m not interested in what you are saying” or “I’m fed up.” An open posture—no crossed arms or legs—conveys an attitude of give and take.

Gaslighters are very good at being incongruent—they’ll say one thing and their facial expression communicates something else altogether. Healthy people are congruent—their facial expressions match what they are saying. When you are speaking with someone, be observant of whether your body language and facial expressions match.

Be aware not only of what you say, but how you say it. Voice tone accounts for quite a bit of your message. This is why using texting as a primary communication method causes a lot of strife between people. When you are not getting (or giving) the full tone of the message, what is said can so easily be misconstrued.

Your voice volume will tend to increase when you are upset about something. Be aware if your voice volume is ramping up, and make a concerted effort to keep your voice at regular speaking volume and at a nice, medium pitch.

Stay On an Equal Level When Communicating

Sometimes when you have gaslighting behaviors, you may “talk down” to people without realizing it. If you have been raised by a gaslighter, you may find that he talks down to you. The goal in a healthy relationship is to communicate as equals—where no one person is superior to the other. There is a “Parent Adult Child Model” (PAC) that is part of a counseling practice called Transactional Analysis developed by Eric Berne, MD. It shows how people communicate with one another, and how to improve communication so that partners and family members speak respectfully to one another.

We take on the role of a parent, child, or adult when we are talking with someone. When you speak to someone as a parent, you use such phrases as “you should,” “you need to,” “you ought to,” “never,” and “always.” This implies criticism or giving permission to the other person, exactly what a parent might do. People who are speaking as a parent may exhibit aggressive nonverbal communication, such as pointing fingers, clenching fists, or standing too close. When you are speaking to someone as a child, on the other hand, you use more emotions than words. Instead of communicating, you cry or get angry. You may also say such phrases as “I want,” “I need,” or “I don’t care.” People speaking in the child role may also tease the person they are addressing, giggle, or sound whiny. They tend to squirm or act as though they can’t hear the other person.

The goal in a healthy relationship is to have both parties speak as adults to each other. Communicating as adults means truly listening to each other and not passing judgment. It means not being defensive, and having a nonverbal open posture as you are talking. People speaking as adults seek to understand what the other person is saying. They will ask others questions about their views, and then offer their own ideas or suggestions—instead of forcing their opinion on others. When adults are communicating, they see more gray areas of human behavior. This means that people are complex in their needs and wants, and they aren’t just “good” or “bad”—they have a wide range of feelings and behaviors. People speaking as adults can also calmly “agree to disagree,” and not bring up past hurts.

The next time you are speaking with someone, look at whether you are in the role of a parent, child, or adult. As I mentioned before, if you have gaslighting behaviors, you may more typically take on the role of a parent. If you are dealing with a gaslighter, you may slip into more of a child role. Really examine the words and body language you use, and try to shape them into more of an adult role when communicating. For more information on the Parent Adult Child Model, see the Resources section at the end of this book.

MAYBE THE OTHER PERSON IS THE GASLIGHTER

One technique gaslighters use is called projection—they accuse someone else of being manipulative, when it is really the gaslighter doing the controlling and manipulating. Maybe this is what’s happening with you. Has someone in your life accused you of being manipulative or a gaslighter? Did it feel silly, unbelievable, or “off” at first? Trust your gut on this. As you’ve seen, gaslighters are master manipulators and it can be hard to see reality for what it is. What often happens is that we call people on their gaslighting behavior, and they turn around and say it’s you who is the actual gaslighter. They do this to distract you from continuing the conversation about their offending behavior. Gaslighters hate being called out on their behavior—it means that you are on to them.

Of course it’s always possible that both people in a relationship have gaslighting behaviors. The relationship could have started with one gaslighter, and the other person developed gaslighting behaviors as a way to cope and speak the gaslighter’s “language.” Sometimes a nongaslighter will try to beat gaslighters at their own game by employing the same distraction and manipulation techniques. However, no matter how much you try to gaslight someone back, it will not work. Gaslighters will always outdo you in manipulation and insults. Plus, there’s an emotional price to pay for saying things that are not congruent with your personality and your values. Again, trust your gut. If you are accused of gaslighting, look very closely at the dynamics at play and see whether you’re really at fault. Chances are, if your conscience is at all involved, you are not the one with the problem!

RIGHTING WRONGS

If you discover that you have, in fact, gaslighted someone, part of the healing process is to apologize to the friend or family member you have hurt. Taking responsibility for your behavior and working toward getting better are essential to not only your well-being, but your loved one’s as well.

Apologize

Apologize for the damage and hurt you have caused the other person. Keep in mind that “I’m sorry you got upset about my yelling” is not a valid apology—you are putting the responsibility on the other person. An example of a proper apology is: “I’m sorry I have yelled at you. It was hurtful, and not conducive to having a healthy relationship. I am going to counseling to learn a better way of communicating, because the way I did it was wrong.” You are naming the behavior, taking responsibility for it, acknowledging that it has caused the other person pain, and stating what you are doing at making it better.

“I told my brother I was sorry for being so manipulative. I wasn’t expecting this, but he also apologized to me for some things he had done. It was a real turning point for us.”

—Megan, 50

Give Your Partner Space

As you will read later in this chapter, apologizing to your loved one and getting help is not a guarantee that this person will want to continue a relationship with you, or even want to continue communicating with you. Some damage can take a very long time to process. After apologizing, consider asking your loved one for what he might need from you right now. Don’t be surprised if the answer is, “I need some time alone.” Acknowledge that you respect and honor this request. Do not badger or disagree with what your loved one is requesting of you. Wait for him to contact you first.

If your loved one tells you he needs some time to think, spend this time healing and focusing on self-improvement. Counseling is one of the ways you can learn why you practiced gaslighting behaviors, how to stop using them, and how to behave in a healthier way. You can learn more about counseling in the next chapter.

“I told my wife I was sorry, and she told me she needed some time to think. I panicked, and told her not to go. It just made things worse.”

—Jonathan, 38

What If These Steps Don’t Work?

Many times when one person starts changing their behavior for the better, the relationship doesn’t work out. You find that you are on different paths in life, or that the other person has been gaslighting you all along and you’ve been shouldering the blame. If your relationship ends, you will go through a grief process not dissimilar from recovering from a death. If you have gaslighting tendencies, having a relationship end can even bring up feelings of abandonment. I happen to think Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (2014) had it right when she delineated that grief has five stages. She said that you may not go through all these stages, you may skip around them, and you may not go through some of them at all. Her stages are more a guideline to let you know that what you are feeling after a loss is normal.

Stages of Grief

Denial and Shock: “This isn’t really over. It can’t be.” You may feel like things “aren’t real,” or that you are in a dream or nightmare.

Anger: “She has no right to leave. She’s probably having the time of her life.” You feel irrationally angry and get frustrated with people who have nothing to do with your loss. You also feel anger toward yourself.

Bargaining: “I swear, if she comes back, I’ll never yell again.” You try to cut deals with your higher power or with yourself. “If X happens, I will do Y.” However, X doesn’t happen. So, you move on to another bargain. That one doesn’t work, either.

Depression: “It may really be over. I have never felt this bad.… ever.” You feel teary most of the time. Your limbs (arms and legs) feel heavy. You feel lethargic. You may even have suicidal thoughts, such as “I wish I could disappear” or “If I died all this pain would stop.” If you are feeling suicidal, please stop reading now and contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org. They are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. See also the Resources section at the back of the book for how to get immediate help.

Acceptance: “I’ve learned from this. I’m going to make sure my next relationship is healthier.” You get to the point where you don’t like the thing that happened, but you acknowledge it happened. You may even see some positives that came out of your loss. For example, you learned more about yourself; you started going to counseling; you met some good friends that were going through the same thing. You also may start practicing forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that what happened to you in the past is okay; it means you give up hope of the past being any different. You let it go and stop its power over you.

Letting Go

Whether you have a religious affiliation or not, the “Serenity Prayer” by Reinhold Niebuhr is a helpful guide for getting through a time of loss or crisis in your life. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”

The “wisdom to know the difference” can be one of the hardest parts about getting through a difficult time, such as a breakup—especially when you feel that you are to blame. Sometimes it just takes time and patience to heal from a loss. For more information on grief and loss, see the Resources section at the end of this book.

Remember that these feelings are temporary. As much as it hurts now, you will feel better. Loss is like getting hit by a huge wave. You feel as if you are floundering and you will never surface. But over time, the waves will get smaller and smaller, and eventually you’ll just have a couple of waves of grief that hit you every so often. If you are ever at the point where you feel like you might hurt yourself or someone else, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. For more information on suicide prevention, see the Resources section at the end of this book.

Closure Is Overrated

If you feel you haven’t been able to get through a breakup because you never got “closure,” I’ll let you in on a little secret: closure is overrated. You may never really get the closure you want. By closure, I mean hearing from your ex and having a sit-down or phone call “good-bye” talk, kind of like a “relationship postmortem.” If you have been waiting to find out from your ex exactly what you did that caused her to leave you, you may be waiting a really long time. Meanwhile, life goes on. Besides, even if your ex told you why she left, the answer probably still would not fill the void you are experiencing. You would continue to question why, or whether she telling you the whole story. The best thing you can do is continue to work on yourself, so that you are emotionally at your best when the next opportunity for a relationship happens.

IN THE NEXT chapter, you will learn about counseling, a helpful way to heal yourself of gaslighting behaviors, and also heal from others who have gaslighted you. You will discover the counseling theories of client-centered therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, and solution-focused therapy. Each therapy brings something new and different to the mix, and sometimes people find that one type of therapy is more helpful to them than the others. Sometimes people find that a mix of techniques is most helpful. By learning more about the types of counseling, you can make decisions as to what type of counseling model might work best for you.