8

THE ONES WHO REALLY GET UNDER YOUR SKIN

Gaslighters in Your Family

AS YOU’VE LEARNED IN OTHER CHAPTERS, GASLIGHTERS SHARE A LOT of similar behaviors. However, there is something about gaslighters in our families that make them some of the most exasperating ones to deal with. They have some particular characteristics and tricks in their toolbox, as you’ll see. Also, our histories and emotional ties with these people mean we often can’t just get away from them so easily, especially when we’re young. And even later on, they’re often present during holidays, family reunions, and they may live near you. They can be like a constant festering sore. And they usually know exactly what buttons to push to get you going—and they thrive off the ensuing chaos. You may have noticed these issues with gaslighters in your family.

“My stepdad gaslights my mom all the time. He says stuff to her, and then will say, ‘No, I never said that.’ I’ll tell my mom I heard exactly what he said the first time, but now she’s telling me I just don’t like him and I’m trying to drive them apart. I can’t stand it.”

—Liam, 20

In this chapter, we’ll look at how to spot the gaslighters in your family and what you can do to protect yourself.

Confronting Doesn’t Work

Gaslighters will never own up to their bad behavior. When you confront gaslighters in your family, they may say something like “You’re being too sensitive” or “You’ve never been able to take a joke.” And don’t be surprised if they tell other members of the family, in front of you, what just transpired. They want to embarrass you as much as possible to “get even.” Stand your ground. It takes a lot of courage to be the one to call out gaslighting behavior. Find support elsewhere, if you can, but by all means persevere.

My aunt always talks about how crazy and wrong everyone in the family is. Has my aunt ever considered that she is the crazy one? Hell, no. And I’m not going to be the one to tell her. That lady is scary.”

—François, 28

They Ruin Holidays

Gaslighters will often take holidays as a special opportunity to wield their chaos like a can of mace. Gaslighters hate when people are happy. Happy people don’t need them, and that drives them crazy. Gaslighters will use their full bag of tricks to bring chaos to what should be happy events. They’ll triangulate and split during holiday gatherings. They will pit people against each other. They will tell a very embarrassing or inappropriate story about you in front of your family (or the new partner you brought home to meet the family), even after you ask them to stop.

“My dad took Thanksgiving dinner as an opportunity to tell all our relatives what a ‘pain in the ass’ I was and told them that I cried for no reason. I could see their looks of pity. I didn’t even bother to say something back. There was no point. I was nine years old.”

—James, 25

Gaslighters are also notorious for buying inappropriate and cheap gifts. They will spend money on themselves, and even flaunt what they bought for themselves, but they will give you something so flimsy that you couldn’t even give it away. Most of the time the gift also has nothing to do with your interests or who you are. Gaslighters have difficulty seeing people outside of themselves. And part of their MO here is to send a message punishing you for being an independent, happy person.

They Force You to Do Things for Them

Family gaslighters want to make you feel that you have free choice, when you really don’t. It’s the classic “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” scenario. If you don’t comply with a request, you are tormented. If you do comply, you always somehow get it wrong. Granted, you truly do have a choice—gaslighters can’t really make you do anything. But after you’ve lived with gaslighters most of your life, it can feel very much like that choice has been taken away from you.

“I pretty much just shut myself in my room growing up, because if my mom asked me to do something, it was always done wrong, or I didn’t move fast enough. I wasn’t even looking for a ‘thank you’, just no criticism for once. If I wasn’t up and moving within 10 minutes of her asking me.… it was really bad.”

—Gerard, 44

They Are Likely Addicts

If you think about what you’ve read so far, you can see that gaslighting is itself a kind of addiction—addiction to the thrill of gaining power by controlling and destabilizing. If you have addicts in your family, they are more likely to be gaslighters than are others. Addicts have just one concern: getting their next fix. That’s just the way addiction works. The need for the substance hijacks higher-order thinking. So, what does this mean for you?

“I couldn’t tell you when my dad is drunk. I’ve never seen him not drunk.”

—Heath, 25

The addict-gaslighter will gaslight you to the hilt to try to guilt you into giving them money or even your possessions. Don’t fall for it. You can bet you will never see your money or possessions again. If someone in your family is an addict-gaslighter, do not let that person into your home alone. Change your locks. Keep your valuables in a safe-deposit box, in your name only. Do not keep any medications in your medicine cabinet in the bathroom. Keep them in a secured, locked, fireproof box that has been bolted to the wall. Addicts will tell you they will go to open houses just to clean out the medicine cabinet. Consider getting a security system for your home.

“I walked on eggshells around my dad, especially if it was 5 pm or later. I knew that’s when ‘happy hour’ started. I tried to become invisible.”

—Saul, 34

They Use Flying Monkeys

Not everyone in the family is going to see gaslighters the same way you do. Don’t expect other family members or friends to understand. Back in Chapter 2, we talked about “flying monkeys.” These are the people gaslighters will use to bring you back into the fold. Friends and family members are perfect for this role. Gaslighters tell them what to say to you and you do it. Flying monkeys will also often act as snitches, reporting back to the gaslighters anything you say about them and other facts and details about your life. If you tell a flying monkey that a gaslighter was abusive toward you, for example, she will take that back to the gaslighter, who will likely tell the flying monkey a story about how you are the truly crazy one.

It’s generally not a good idea to tell other family members or friends why you are distancing yourself from a gaslighter. Family bonds are often too strong, and you are likely to end up getting criticized or ridiculed for limiting or cutting off contact with the gaslighter. But here’s what you need to remember: You do not need to defend yourself. Your decision is your decision is your decision. You have a right to limit or cut off contact with anyone for any reason.

Gaslighters Have Placaters

There is usually one person in a family who will try to smooth things over with a gaslighter. They get upset when others confront the gaslighter or otherwise make him upset. They have become conflict avoidant as a survival strategy. If you are a placater, ask yourself why. Are you afraid of the gaslighter? Are you not sure what is normal behavior and what isn’t? If you have been living with a gaslighter for any length of time, you may not even be sure what constitutes normal behavior anymore.

“I read something about sociopaths, and I was like, that’s my sister to a T. When I call her out on something shitty she’s done, my mom immediately runs over and tells me how I need to be nice to my sister because she’s had such a hard life. Hard life? Are you kidding me? She’s never worked a day in her life, and my parents pay for everything.”

—Naima, 22

When you placate a gaslighter, it can cause an internal conflict for you. You may feel an inner rage due to the fact that you aren’t “allowed” to express how you really feel. To do so would mean incurring the wrath of the gaslighter.

Gaslighters Can’t Be Happy for You

Gaslighters try to undermine achievements that signify your independence of them. If you are the first person in your family to go to college, for instance, gaslighters might tell you that you are wasting your time, or that you think you’re better than everyone, whereas healthy relatives would encourage you to further your education.

They may also send mixed messages, as Lonnie’s mother and Jacob’s mother did in our examples. They will ask for something from you, and when you deliver (no pun intended), gaslighters will either dismiss it, tell you they never asked this of you in the first place, or act as though you’re burdening them. It is very confusing when you are asked for something repeatedly, work hard to fulfill the request, and then discover you still haven’t met expectations. But here’s the bottom-line truth: When you are dealing with gaslighters, you will never be able to make them happy or fulfill their needs. It is impossible. That’s part of the pathology. They’ll never be happy for you and nothing you can do is ever enough.

“My mother kept asking us when we were going to give her grandchildren. Finally, after years of trying, I was pregnant. When we told her, the first thing she said was, ‘Don’t expect me to babysit.’”

—Lonnie, 30

“My mom told me I had to go to law school. She said anything less than that was ‘settling.’ She never went to college. I graduated near the top of my class. My mom said at graduation, ‘I don’t know why you’re so excited, it’s not like you’re going to get a job.’”

—Jacob, 33

These methods of gaslighting are more or less unique to families or other close relationships, where people have an emotional purchase on you. Your manager or coworker is not quite in the same position to get under your skin. Your congressperson or president doesn’t have the constant presence in your life or the emotional strings to pull, though they can make you plenty hopping mad and off-kilter.

When Bad Things Happen, Gaslighters Don’t Become Good People

One would think that when something bad happens to a gaslighter or someone in her family, you would see some glimmer of redemptiveness or kindness. Nope. The gaslighter will gloss right over it and continue on whatever jag she’s on. Bad things do not make gaslighters nicer, nor does it make them change. This can be very confusing for family members, who think, “Hey, maybe this [name your bad news] will finally get them to reevaluate life or how they treat people.” That day of reckoning and reevaluation is never coming for gaslighters. Which, for you, means letting go of the expectation that things will change.

“My mother was complaining about something, as usual. I had enough and told her I had a miscarriage and was not in the mood. She was angry with me for not telling her earlier, then she went right back to complaining again.”

—Holly, 28

GASLIGHTING PARENTS

Our parents can also be our gaslighters. Healthy parents are supportive and nurturing. They provide guidance for their children so they become happy and productive adults. Some of healthy parents’ happiest moments are when their child succeeds at becoming a healthy adult. However, gaslighting parents manipulate, undermine, and compete with their children—meanwhile, trying to prevent them from being independent people. In this section, you’ll learn how gaslighting parents impact your ability to function as a happy, healthy adult.

“When I was about 15, my friend said that my parents fought a lot. I said, “Your parents don’t do that?” She said no, that they got into arguments sometimes but they didn’t scream at each other and call each other names. It was the first time I realized not everyone’s parents acted like that.”

—Lluvy, 35

If one of your parents was a gaslighter, you may find that you just don’t seem as happy or fulfilled as your peers. You may also find that you tend to get into relationships with gaslighters more often than others do. We learn how to interact with the world through watching our parents. If your parents got through life manipulating and meddling, chances are you saw that as normal behavior.

“I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me because I remembered stuff that my mother swore never happened. I thought maybe I was crazy.”

—Rafael, 65

They Don’t Like It When Children Individuate

Individuating, becoming independent from your parents, is a normal, healthy part of human development. It means that you are learning how to go about the world on your own. We first experience individuation as toddlers. “The Terrible Twos” are characterized by saying no a lot. The preteen and teen years are also times of individuating. Nongaslighting parents see these times as frustrating, but they know deep down that you becoming your own person is a good thing.

To gaslighters, individuation means that their grip on you is loosening—and they hate that. You may have noticed that a parent was pretty nice to you until you hit the preteen years, usually around when you start puberty, and then suddenly started making snide comments to you or ignoring you or stonewalling. What happened? The gaslighter realized you were no longer his “mini-me,” and instead of bearing up and seeing puberty as a normal developmental stage, he viewed it as the beginnings of abandonment. And gaslighters cannot bear that.

“I clearly remember the first time I really said no to my mom when I was a teenager. Why do I remember it so well? Because she stopped talking to me for a month.”

—Paulina, 45

“My dad is a master at stonewalling. I have no idea how he can just treat us like we’re not even there. It’s so cold.”

—Charlotte, 28

They Are Notorious Abusers

Abuse takes different forms: physical, emotional, sexual, and neglect. If you are the child of a gaslighting parent, you may identify with more than one of these forms of abuse. With the gaslighter, these behaviors may have just seemed like a normal part of life. If you were abused, it is important that you talk to a mental health professional about it. Remember, the abuse was not your fault. Full responsibility lies on your gaslighting abuser.

They Put You in a Double Bind

A double bind is a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation. You are given two conflicting messages from your parent. For example, she harps about you needing to lose weight, then makes a big batch of brownies. Or she tells you that you need to get ready for school immediately, but then hands you your portable gaming device. Double binds cause emotional distress, and set people up for failure. For gaslighters, watching you experience tension reinforces to them that they can control you.

“When I was a teenager, my mom would tell me that I was ‘getting pudgy.’ Then she’d make brownies or cake, and leave it out on the kitchen counter.”

—Jalisa, 34

They Compete with You

Gaslighting parents, especially of the same gender, will compete with you, often in really unseemly ways. You get a new outfit with your work money when you are a teenager, so your mom has to get a similar outfit. This copying behavior continues into your adulthood. It goes beyond getting something similar so they can share in your experience. For the gaslighter, it is about not wanting you to have better things than they do. You get a new car, so your gaslighting parent has to get one, too. They can’t stand being what they see as “outdone.”

Healthy parents are happy that their children are achieving—it is in part, a reflection of good parenting and their children’s own hard work. Gaslighters have trouble accepting that success not necessarily genetic, but something their children have earned.

“I started dating an attorney, and my mother started dating an attorney a month later. I got a specific type of car—my mother got the same car right afterward. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but in this case, it was just creepy.”

—Sascha, 30

They Try to Live Through You

Not only will gaslighting parents try to compete with you, they will also try to live through you. You may have been pushed to date before you were ready. You may have wanted to join chess club, but a gaslighting parent wanted you to play football instead, since he didn’t make the team when he was in high school. While it is normal for parents to want for their children what they didn’t have, for gaslighters it’s a pathological need to live through their children.

The gaslighter is also the parent who can be found yelling at his child or the referee during his baseball games and other sports. This has nothing to do with supporting you or sticking up for you. It has to do with the gaslighter’s needing his child to win, at all costs. If you buy into it, this can mean that you become an adult who is constantly trying to please that parent, even if it involves breaking laws to do it.

A gaslighter’s child will never, ever live up to the gaslighter’s expectations. They are impossible to reach. By design.

They Have Inappropriate Boundaries with Your Partner or Friends

This one often gets my clients particularly up in arms. When you would bring home your boyfriends or girlfriends, would your parent flirt with them and/or tell embarrassing stories about you? Classic gaslighting behavior. Or maybe your gaslighting parent dressed provocatively when you brought friends over. Did your parent try to buddy up to your friends and be “one of the gang”? Gaslighters can’t stand not having as much attention as their children. They see them as competition for others’ affection. They would love nothing more than to have your partner or friends fawn all over them. This is part of their narcissistic and insatiable need for attention.

“My mom would always make some inappropriate comment to my boyfriends, right in front of me. It was mortifying. I started making excuses to my boyfriends about why they couldn’t go inside my house.”

—Shelley, 43

Golden Children and Scapegoats

In many families where one or both of the parents are gaslighters, one child is the “golden child” and the other is the “scapegoat.” The golden child gets away with murder, while the scapegoat child gets punished for the smallest infraction. These patterns can last until through adulthood, causing strife between you and your sibling. A pathological competition between siblings can result. Be aware that each person’s role might change or switch without warning: one week you are the “good kid,” then, inexplicably, the next week you are the “bad kid.” Sometimes it doesn’t matter which is which to the gaslighter. This is due to the fact that gaslighters idealize and then devalue people, as you read in Chapter 1. They lack a fundamental understanding of the nature of human beings: that all people can have various aspects to their personality. Gaslighters see a child as either all good or all bad—nothing in between—according to what they want from the child in the moment.

“My brother always got brand-new toys for Christmas. I always got hand-me-downs. My parents paid for all of my brother’s school. They told me I was on my own.”

—Maurice, 70

Part of stopping this cycle is identifying it, and realizing that there is no logic to your gaslighting parent’s behavior. You and your sibling were unwittingly tossed into a maelstrom of emotional abuse. If your sibling is not a gaslighter (we’ll talk more about gaslighting siblings here), it might be time to have a talk and bring out into the open the pathological behavior your parent had toward you. The chances are that your sibling felt just as slighted as you. Just saying that your parent was difficult to live with can help start a conversation.

They Frequently Threaten to Cut You Off

One of gaslighters’ tricks for when they feel you distancing yourself from them is to threaten to never speak to you again, throw out your belongings, or disown you (cut you out of the will).

“Every other week my mother would threaten to cut me out of her will. Once she even made me give her the house key back, saying she never wanted to see me again. That lasted until she realized I was the only person helping her out. She had alienated everyone else.”

—Donna, 68

These are most likely false promises. Go ahead and see whether they can do it. Let them threaten not to talk to you. It might be one of the most peaceful times in your life. Eventually the gaslighters will contact you—usually when they need something. It can be difficult to come to terms with the fact that you are an object to be used by the gaslighters to fulfill their own needs. But at the same time, it should be a relief to finally know clearly what you are dealing with.

In regard to disowning you—you may find that the gaslighter really doesn’t have much to leave you anyway. Gaslighters are notorious for being poor financial managers. They spend so much money on trying to make themselves look good that they don’t save up for the future. If a gaslighting parent dies, even if you are on good terms, you will often discover that you weren’t left anything anyway.

“My whole life my dad threatened to disown me because I was such a ‘bad son.’ So, I worked my whole life on trying to make him happy. It turns out he didn’t leave me anything in the will anyway.”

—Dante, 45

Have You Gotten Fleas?

You may have noticed as you’ve been reading this book that you are perpetuating parental behaviors that you told yourself you never would. But realize that it is normal for children of gaslighters to pick up some of what they witnessed or were subjected to as children. After all, from whom do we primarily learn how to act? That’s right, our parents.

The gaslighting behaviors you learned from your parents are called “fleas” because, as the saying goes, “If you lie down with dogs, you will get up with fleas.” Please don’t beat up on yourself. Just because you picked up some coping techniques and manipulative techniques as a way to survive in your environment doesn’t mean you are a gaslighter yourself. But it is true that these behaviors are now maladaptive, as you no longer need them as an adult. As a kid, you may be trapped and vulnerable to having all boundaries crossed; as an adult you have license to set your own boundaries.

Here’s the thing. If you think you are a gaslighter, chances are you probably aren’t one. It’s the people who don’t think they are gaslighters who truly have a problem. According to Brooke Donatone, PhD, in her article “The Coraline Effect” (2016), children of people with personality disorders may be misdiagnosed with personality disorders themselves. This is due to the fact that they may exhibit personality disorder behaviors due to not learning adequate coping skills. As you read earlier in the book, gaslighting behaviors are very common in people with Cluster B personality disorders—narcissistic, histrionic, antisocial, and borderline. If you have been diagnosed with a personality disorder and your parent had the same disorder or a similar one, please consider getting reevaluated. If you think you are a gaslighter, see Chapter 11 on how gaslighters can get help for themselves.

Signs that you picked up fleas from a gaslighter:

You lie about things that you really have no need to lie about.

Life feels odd or uncomfortable when there is no drama going on.

You will manufacture drama in your relationship for it to feel normal.

Instead of stating your needs to others, you expect them to read your mind.

You find it easier to manipulate people into doing what you need instead of directly asking them.

You are attracted to people who are emotionally distant.

You find yourself using some of the same parenting “techniques” as your gaslighting parent: punishing your child for not knowing or meeting your needs, communicating primarily through yelling, stonewalling; or obviously favoring one child.

It is important that you seek counseling if you are the child of a gaslighter. You may find that children of gaslighters have similar behaviors to adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs), and resources for ACOAs may be helpful to you. This is especially the case if you had a gaslighting parent with an addiction, as many do. For more information on counseling, see Chapter 12.

Your Gaslighting Parents and Your Children

If your parents are gaslighters, you need to take precautions with your own children. Please don’t leave your children alone with gaslighting grandparents. It’s not safe. I’ve heard of gaslighting grandparents giving chocolate to diabetic grandkids. I’ve seen gaslighters tell their grandchildren that their parents are mean for not letting them have sweets. They’ll take your kid to the park when you asked them not to. They’ll buy presents for your child when you said your child had misbehaved and wasn’t to go to the store. When you confront your gaslighting parents about these things, they’ll say something like “You just don’t let her have fun like the other kids.” Often, and quite intentionally, within earshot of your child.

“I come home from work and my kids are watching a scary movie while my father-in-law is watching them. He knows my youngest gets terrified. It’s almost like telling him no makes him make sure he does it.”

—Nia, 38

If left alone with your children, gaslighting grandparents may:

Undermine your rules

Not follow your child’s dietary restrictions, such as in the case of food allergies

Not give your child medication

Tell your child that you are not a good parent

Gaslighters love attention and drama, and nothing comes close to the attention and drama of going to the emergency room with your child. Gaslighters may feign forgetfulness or confusion when confronted, but this is a cover for the sinister intent of their behavior. Make no mistake, gaslighters are hurting your child intentionally. For the attention and power.

“My mother-in-law knows my daughter was allergic to strawberries. She calls me from the emergency room, saying she gave her strawberry ice cream. She does not have dementia—she just loves the attention. We never leave the kids unsupervised with her now.”

—Jackie, 35

Caregiving for Your Gaslighting Parent

You may be in the position of caregiving for an ailing or dying parent. As you may have guessed, illness or even dying doesn’t make gaslighting parents any better. In fact, they just seem to get worse. It is really something to see a person at death’s door still managing to utter a snide comment.

Gaslighting parents may refuse to take their medication as prescribed, or won’t take it at all. They also may not follow their doctor’s instructions. They may tell you they know to take care of themselves better than the doctor does. And gaslighters actually believe this. It can be maddening trying to take care of people who appear to have such little regard for their own health.

“My mother is really sick, yet she insists on taking her medication her ‘own way,’ and doesn’t follow through with the doctor’s instructions. Then when I try to help her, she screams at me and tells me I’m worthless.”

—Pam, 45

You have a choice in caregiving for a parent. You don’t have to be a caregiver. You are choosing to be a caregiver. You may be thinking, “But there’s no one else to take care of her, I’m it. She’s alienated everyone.” It is still your choice to be a caregiver. When you realize it’s your choice instead of mandatory, caregiving can be a little more tolerable.

It is still not acceptable for a parent to verbally or emotionally abuse you, no matter how sick he is. I don’t care whether you are the last person on earth available for your parent—that type of treatment is never okay. If you are being abused, it’s time to reach out and find someone to at least take over some of the caregiving. If you feel you can’t afford it, see the Resources section at the end of this book for more information on taking a break from caregiving.

“My mother has some mild disabilities, but she does things to sabotage her health. She then expects me to run over to her house, and gets furious when I can’t do that right away.”

—Seth, 40

When Your Parent Dies

Many people feel relieved when a gaslighting parent dies. And that can be confusing or induce some feelings of guilt. But it is really perfectly normal. It is also normal to experience something called “complicated” grief. This is grief that is compounded by feelings of anger and unfinished business with a parent. I recommend that you seek counseling to talk about these complicated feelings. If someone tells you that you aren’t grieving the “right way,” know that there is no right way to grieve. Grief may be universal, but how we feel it is unique to each person. If your gaslighting parent was very good at hiding her manipulative behavior, people might tell you they don’t get how “fine” you are with her death. Keep in mind that they did not live with her, so they don’t know the real story.

How do you respond to comments about what a wonderful person your parent was, and that you are not grieving properly? The best reaction is none at all. Don’t say anything. Would it help to tell them about how horrible your parent really was? No, they will tell you how that can’t possibly be true. You don’t need yet another person denying your reality.

“I felt such a weight off my shoulders when my dad died. Then I felt incredibly guilty about that. It wasn’t until a friend said to me, ‘You are free now, and you deserve that,’ that I felt less guilty.”

—Elisa, 48

In the Reno Gazette-Journal (2013), I came across this obituary for a mother who had died:

She is survived by her 6 of 8 children whom she spent her lifetime torturing in every way possible. While she neglected and abused her small children, she refused to allow anyone else to care or show compassion towards them. When they became adults she stalked and tortured anyone they dared to love. Everyone she met, adult or child was tortured by her cruelty and exposure to violence, criminal activity, vulgarity, and hatred of the gentle or kind human spirit.

On behalf of her children whom she so abrasively exposed to her evil and violent life, we celebrate her passing from this earth and hope she lives in the after-life reliving each gesture of violence, cruelty, and shame that she delivered on her children. Her surviving children will now live the rest of their lives with the peace of knowing their nightmare finally has some form of closure.

Most of us have found peace in helping those who have been exposed to child abuse and hope this message of her final passing can revive our message that abusing children is unforgiveable, shameless, and should not be tolerated in a “humane society.” Our greatest wish now is to stimulate a national movement that mandates a purposeful and dedicated war against child abuse in the United States of America.

“It wasn’t until my mother died that I truly felt at peace. The first Christmas without her was really wonderful.”

—Anna, 45

GASLIGHTING SIBLINGS

What can be just as damaging as a gaslighting parent? Your gaslighting siblings. As you’ve learned in this chapter, you and your siblings can pick up characteristics of gaslighters from your parents’ behavior (getting “fleas”). However, sometimes siblings are complete gaslighters unto themselves. They don’t just have a few gaslighting behaviors—they are the embodiment of gaslighting. First, we’ll talk about gaslighting’s effects on siblings, then we’ll talk about siblings who are gaslighters.

Fierce Competition

As mentioned earlier, your gaslighting parent may have set up a “scapegoat” and “golden child” scenario with you and your sibling or siblings. You may have been in a years-long battle with a sibling over who is “better.” You may be constantly trying to outdo each other. You buy a special gift for your mother for her birthday, and the next week your sibling has bought something more expensive. Gaslighters are never appreciative of gifts anyway, but that’s beside the point. You and your sibling are still vying for the approval and attention of your gaslighting parent. Your parent has set things up this way since your childhood, pitting you and your siblings against each other. There are few things gaslighters love more than people battling to impress them.

“My older sister started conning me early. She would ask me to do bad things and told me she would pay me if I did. She never paid me, and I always got in trouble for doing what she asked me to do. She would lie to my parents and say she had nothing to do with it, while I got punished.”

—Brianna, 24

Be aware that this competition is a false one—everyone has their own strengths and faults. By constantly competing with your sibling, you probably haven’t gotten to know each other as people. You will never fully win your parent’s approval—so, why not get to know your sibling on a different level? As you read earlier in the chapter, you and your sibling may have picked up gaslighting behaviors as a survival mechanism while within your parents’ household, but aren’t true gaslighters. You may discover from really getting to know your sibling that the two of you just were in a no-win situation as children, and you may actually really like each other. It’s never too late to make a fresh start.

Your Brother’s Keeper

When you were a child, you may have tried (many times in vain) to protect a brother or sister from the wrath of a gaslighting parent. Many children of gaslighters, now adults, feel incredibly guilty that they couldn’t do more to help their sibling. However, gaslighting parents can be so powerful with their manipulation that many times there was really nothing more you could have done to prevent your sibling from being targeted. Keep in mind it was not your responsibility as a child to protect the other children in your home. That was your parents’ responsibility, and they failed.

If your sibling is a gaslighter, it can be maddening when you look back at the times when you protected him from essentially turning out like a gaslighting parent. You may feel that there is an utter lack of appreciation from your sibling toward your “rescue” efforts when you were children. Here you worked so hard at protecting him, and he is making a concerted effort to make your life more difficult. Unfortunately, this is where you realize that you can’t control some things in life—and that includes how your siblings turn out as adults. You may never get the validation that you want from your sibling, and that is okay. You know that you did what you could.

Keep in mind that if you grew up fearing a gaslighting parent and knowing you could never share your true feelings with that parent, as an adult you still may have that fear. Sometimes when you can’t express your feelings to the person you are upset with, you let it out on your next closest person—your sibling. This may be the case with you and your sibling—is your sibling a gaslighter, or is he taking out his anger with your parent on you instead? It may be helpful for you and your sibling to attend therapy together to sort out your childhood damage—and work on healing your relationship.

Fake Florence Nightingales

Gaslighting siblings will often take on the “hero” role and supposedly devote themselves to an ailing or injured parent. Keep in mind that this “rescuing” is largely an act—your sibling wants to look like the good guy. He has no problem taking all the credit even if you are the one actually taking care of your parent.

If your gaslighting sibling actually has “stepped up” to become a caretaker for your parent, watch him like a hawk. Gaslighters have been known to take advantage of elderly or ill parents. They attempt to turn the parent against the other siblings in the hopes for more money or possessions when your parent dies. Your sibling may also be taking money from your elderly or ailing parent. If you suspect this is happening, or if your parent is suddenly paying more attention to your sibling and calling him out for praise, I recommend that you hire an attorney and/or financial professional to look over the finances and caretaking arrangements of your parent to protect her from being taken advantage of by the gaslighter.

“I thought when my mother got sick that she would at least act a little better. Nope. She got worse.”

—Caterina, 31

If your parent has dementia, it is even more important to have a system of checks and balances set up so your sibling does not turn her against you and your other siblings. If your parent is in a state of confusion, it’s like an irresistible invitation for the gaslighting sibling to move in and strike.

Siblings and Parent Death

When your parent dies, watch out for a gaslighting sibling’s trying to take over. He will go against what is written in the will and steal items meant for you. And don’t be surprised to discover that your parent recently changed her will to favor this sibling. Your options are to confront the gaslighter or take him to court. You know from past history that confronting your gaslighting sibling yourself will not get you anywhere. Legal representation may help you. See the Resources section for pro bono legal resources in your community. This situation is particularly tricky if your gaslighting sibling, the “golden child,” was named executor of your parent’s will.

GASLIGHTING CHILDREN

Sometimes children start manifesting gaslighting behavior, even when they didn’t have a parent who was a gaslighter herself. Being the parent of a gaslighter is a heart-wrenching existence—seeing your own flesh and blood cause repeated suffering to others (including yourself). If this is you, you may already have spent sleepless nights wondering, What did I do wrong? Part of the heartbreak of having a gaslighting child is giving up the dream of who you thought your child was going to be. It is also very normal for you to be angry with your child.

Let me suggest a few things you can do to take care of yourself.

Forgive Yourself

First, to make progress, know that this was not your fault. Sometimes people are just born with bad wiring. Forgive yourself for any blame you feel for having your child turn out this way. If you picked up this book, I’m willing to bet you did everything in your power to make sure your child was happy and healthy.

If you did contribute to your child’s gaslighting by behaving in gaslighting ways, remember that as adults we are completely responsible for our own actions. If your child is now blaming you, he’s trying to absolve himself from all responsibility, and that is not acceptable. Whatever you think you did to any of your children, they are still 100 percent responsible for their behavior.

If you think that you are at least partly responsible for your child’s gaslighting behavior, consider consulting a mental health professional (MHP) or therapist. The burden of guilt is a heavy one, and it can sway your judgment and even impact your physical health. A therapist can help you sort out your feelings—and many times it’s healing just having someone really listen to you. Let the therapist know the extent of your child’s behavior. Give examples of the behavior you’ve seen. Also give your truth about what you feel is your responsibility regarding that behavior. A therapist can help you sort out what is your responsibility or what you “own” and what is not.

You can attempt to apologize to your child for any feelings of wrongdoing on your part, but keep in mind that your gaslighting child is probably not going to respond in a way that you would prefer. Talking over an attempt at reconciliation with a mental health professional beforehand is a great way to establish realistic expectations and even do a run-through of what you would say to your child. Role playing with the therapist on how your child might react can be very helpful before taking the step of attempting reconciliation. If you are considering therapy for you and your child together, ask your therapist who he recommends. It is important for you to have your own therapist. Another alternative is asking the therapist about having your child come in for one of your sessions. For more on counseling and therapy, see Chapter 12.

If you are financially supporting your child, whether by giving him money or letting him live in your house, stop. You are under no obligation to support your adult child, unless your child is disabled and unable to support himself.

Take a long look at your child’s ability to support himself. The chances are he could if he truly wanted to—but you have given him no incentive to do so.

When you kick your child out of your house or your wallet, be ready for all sorts of insults to be hurled your way. Your child may tell you that he is only in this situation because of you; that you are being cruel and unreasonable; that you are crazy; or that he will never speak to you again. Remember that you are kicking him out of the house so the manipulation stops and so that you have some money to live on in the future.

Make Your Will as Specific as Possible

If you have a gaslighting child, and especially if you have other children, appoint a neutral third party, such as an attorney, as the executor of your will. If you have items of value, list specifically which item goes to which child or other family member. Do not leave the dividing of items up to your children. I’ve seen firsthand a situation where a gaslighter stole all of her recently deceased mother’s jewelry against the will’s stipulation that she and her sister divide it equally.

Consult an attorney about your estate and will. Do not have your children attend this meeting. Disclose to your attorney the issues you have had with your child. It is okay to tell the attorney this—in fact, it helps him create a will that is in your (and your children’s) best interest. He will also know ahead of time what is up when your child comes by unannounced about some “important information.”

In your living will or on health proxy forms, consider naming a neutral third party. You probably don’t want the gaslighter to be the one to decide whether to discontinue your life support.

Do not let your child bully you into naming her the executor of your will. She is not wanting this for your good—she is doing it to take advantage of you, take your money and belongings, and shut out her siblings from receiving anything. Gaslighters are slick, and will use all manner of manipulation to get you to name them executor. They may:

Tell you about the untrustworthiness of your other children

Tell you that your belongings and money will be given to the state

Say that they will cut off contact with you if you refuse

Tell you that you “owe them” this after your treating them poorly

Tell you that you will no longer see your grandchildren

Respond that an attorney as an executor will make life much easier for everyone after you pass away. Keep repeating this. Do not waver.

If Your Child Is Still a Minor

If your child is still a minor, it is imperative that he be given counseling. Believe in the benevolent dictatorship school of parenting: Your child may have a say, but you have the final decision. If your child needs counseling, he needs counseling. Period. Does it matter that he doesn’t want to go? No. He goes anyway. You also need to go to counseling. Your possible lack of boundaries may have led to the amplification of your child’s gaslighting behavior.

Aside from counseling, children who are already displaying gaslighting behavior need structure and limits. All children want guidelines for how to behave—the laissez-faire parenting method of letting kids do what they want has been found to not work. So, first take your child to see a mental health professional; next, you need to see a mental health professional as well. Then be willing to impose structure and limits and make these very clear. It may take strength you didn’t know you had, but you do. You can do this. And in the long run, it is nothing but good for everyone involved.

WHAT TO DO ABOUT GASLIGHTING FAMILY MEMBERS

You may have conflicting feelings about gaslighters in your family—you want to get away from them as far as possible, yet you feel a sense of guilt for not wanting to be around them. These are very common feelings.

Decide Whether You Really Want to Attend Family Gatherings

The ideal solution is to stay as far away from gaslighters as possible. Gaslighters rarely change, and you don’t need to subject yourself to their manipulations. You have the right to have a peaceful life. Your health and well-being come first.

I learned not to share any personal information or feelings with my mom. I knew it would be held against me in an argument, or just whenever.”

—Ara, 45

If going away somewhere during the holidays on your own helps you feel better, then do it. You have permission to do whatever you need to do to be healthy. You don’t get bonus points for subjecting yourself to emotional torment.

If You Must Go.…

If you feel compelled to attend a family gathering where a gaslighter will be present, try viewing the experience from the perspective of a sociological researcher. View your family’s interactions as a type of data collection. What patterns do you notice?

If the gaslighter tries to bait you and get you upset, respond with confusion. Saying “I’m really confused” when the gaslighter asks you a pointed question will frustrate her—and she is likely to move on to the next person. Yes, there is a chance that the gaslighter will up the ante and exacerbate (worsen) her behavior—be prepared for this as well.

“My mother threatened that if I left Christmas dinner she would never speak to me again. I figured that wasn’t a bad trade-off.”

—Jerusha, 19

When you feel yourself starting to respond with anger, take a walk outside or simply get up from the table and find a place to take a break. Remember, the gaslighter doesn’t “make” you feel a certain way—you are in full control of your emotions. If you need to excuse yourself, by all means, do it. The gaslighter will try to guilt you into staying. She may even threaten cutting you off if you leave. You do what is in your best interest—and getting out of a pathological situation is what is best for you.

Picking Your Own Family

One of the hard lessons many of my clients have learned is that just being related to someone doesn’t necessarily make them family. One of the perks of being an adult is that you get to choose. You can form your own family from close friends—an “intentional family.” There is no set definition of family—it is whatever you make it. If you are observing holidays without your gaslighting family members, create new traditions.

Remember, there is life without your gaslighting relatives. Often your best bet, however hard it may feel in the short run, is to get away and stay away. You have no obligation to stick around for abusive gaslighting behavior, and the sooner you can make good boundaries and move on with your life, the better off you will be. If you can’t get away, practice building better boundaries. Get counseling. Consult a lawyer and/or accountant for advice on protecting yourself and your family if a parent falls ill. Form an intentional family. Life doesn’t need to be a series of confusing and excruciating encounters with crazy-makers. It’s time to work on seeing things more clearly and to move on.

“I try to remember just because I’m biologically related to these people doesn’t mean they’re my family. I decide who is family.”

—Leo, 28

SOMETIMES WE CHOOSE our own family, through our friendships. However, friends can turn out to be gaslighters—and can drag you down with them. In the next chapter, you will learn how to identify a gaslighting friend, and what to do to get out of an unhealthy friendship.