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LOVE-BOMBED, HOOVERED, DEVALUED, AND DISCARDED

Gaslighting in Intimate Relationships

ONE OF THE MOST COMMON PLACES YOU’LL FIND GASLIGHTING IS IN intimate relationships. Gaslighters are very seductive. They will sweep you off your feet (we call this love-bombing—more to follow)—and then drop you off a cliff. But the initial seduction is so strong that when things do go south, it’s hard not to feel that you’re to blame or that somehow you should be able to get that wonderful person back.

But that’s not the way it works with the gaslighter. The initial charm is all part of the game. There is no getting that wonderful person back. He doesn’t exist.

As noted in the Introduction, both women and men can be gaslighters. In fact, as far as we know, the genders are represented equally. One reason we tend to think of gaslighting as a male “sport,” is that men are often more reluctant (perhaps embarrassed) to talk to someone about a female partner who is being emotionally abusive. Other times, when they do feel the need and build up the courage to talk about it, they are not believed. One of my aims here is to correct this view. Men who are being gaslighted by women are just as entitled to relief and good support as women are! Not to mention that gaslighting happens in LGBTQ relationships, too.

“I caught him cheating, and he said, ‘We never agreed to be monogamous.’”

—Ted, 50

Relationships with gaslighters are filled with tumult—so much so that it’s easy to feel shame. But being attracted to a gaslighter is no cause for shame. Even brilliant, successful, and otherwise discerning people can be easily seduced by a gaslighter’s many initial charms. With the tools and insights in this chapter, you’ll be able not only to discern whether you are in a relationship with a gaslighter but discover some strategies for getting away.

With a gaslighter, once the behavior emerges, there is rarely a calm moment. You are constantly wondering what you did to upset him. You can’t figure out what’s wrong, and maybe you turn to the Internet for help but can’t find it. Your family and friends are concerned for you. And all the while, the gaslighter is telling you that your family and friends are up to no good, that you need to get away from them. (It’s all part of his snare.)

How could something that started out so wonderfully go so wrong?

Because gaslighters are masters at hooking people in—and then tossing them out. They know how to give you whiplash like you’ve never had before.

YOU MEAN IT’S NOT MY FAULT?

It often comes as a great relief when I tell my clients that they are not to blame! It’s very normal for people to blame themselves for their partners’ behavior. If I was a good person, she wouldn’t have acted that way. It is also normal, when you’re dealing with gaslighters, to be blamed for things they are doing. This is classic projection.

“This whole time I thought I did something to make him act like this.”

—Charmaine, 28

A good example of gaslighting projection is when a cheater constantly accuses his spouse of cheating. The gaslighter will say things like “I know you and your coworker have something going on the side” or “I saw you flirting with him” or “I see you wear that skimpy dress when you go out with your friends. Planning on meeting someone?” when in fact it is the gaslighter who is cheating all along.

Gaslighters turn reality on its head. This is definitely one to watch out for. If you find yourself blaming yourself for your partner’s poor behavior or treatment of you, please consider alternative perspectives. More on how to do this throughout the book.

“It’s not my fault she acted that way?”

—John, 43

GASLIGHTERS AND SEX

Gaslighters are very good at pretending at romantic behavior and connection at the beginning of your relationship, but they can’t keep it up forever. They quickly become very one-sided with sex. It’s all about their pleasure, not yours. You just happen to be there; you are the means to an end. Pretty soon you feel more like an object than a partner who is loved and cherished.

Gaslighters will also often set up “rules” for sex, spoken or unspoken, such as:

You should always be available for sex when they want it.

If you want to have sex, they will probably tell you no.

They will withhold sex as a way to punish you.

If you want to receive oral sex, you have to earn it.

If you don’t give them what they want sexually, they will belittle you.

They’ll tell you they would be more sexually attracted to you if you changed your appearance.

They don’t really care if you aren’t feeling pleasure.

And they don’t really care if you are feeling pain.

Very often, if you tell a gaslighter no to a particular sex act, you’ll be pressured into doing it anyway. Pressuring could be anything from “You’re so good at it” to actually forcing you to engage in sex or particular sexual activities.

Gaslighters also don’t take kindly to being turned down for sex. As a punishment, they will tell you they are never going to initiate it with you again—as a way to “teach” you the correct way to behave. For more on gaslighting as it relates to sexual assault and abuse, see Chapter 5.

Infidelity and the Gaslighter

Here are a couple of examples of how gaslighting works when it comes to infidelity:

John, forty-three, hired an assistant at his office, Jane. John’s wife, Mary, was convinced John and Jane were having an affair, even though John said they were strictly colleagues, and he couldn’t figure out why Mary would think he was cheating. Mary started cyberstalking Jane and making threatening phone calls to her—to the point that Jane filed a restraining order against Mary. Mary also became physically abusive to John—at one point she threw a heavy vase close to his head. She then commented that if she’d really wanted to hurt him, she would have aimed closer to his head. Mary told John that Jane had called her several times, detailing information about their supposed affair. When John asked what Jane had said, Mary responded, “Wouldn’t you like to know? I’ve learned enough.” John blamed himself for Mary’s out-of-control behavior. He felt he must have done something to instigate Mary’s actions because they were so extreme.

Mary’s behavior was more than just irrational jealousy. She was gaslighting both Jane and John to maintain power over her husband, particularly when he wasn’t home with her.

Even if John had been cheating on Mary, her reaction was extremely out of proportion. Healthy people do not stalk and harass others, regardless of what “bad” behavior they think their spouse has committed. John began attending individual therapy for several months at the urging of his sister. He realized that he had been in an abusive marriage, and took steps to leave Mary. After John moved out of the house, Mary never spoke to him again. All divorce proceedings were done directly through her attorney. Later, John worked in therapy on learning red flags to watch out for when he started dating again.

Brian noticed Sarah had been coming home from work later than usual in the past month. She used to come home at seven p.m., but now she regularly arrived home at nine, with not so much as a returned phone call or text. Brian waited another month before he asked Sarah what was going on at work. He even asked her point blank whether she was having an affair. He would have asked her earlier, but he was afraid she would become icy cold and shut him out, as she had done several times during their marriage.

When asked, Sarah responded coolly that she wasn’t sure what Brian was talking about, that she had always gotten home from work at the same time. She then said that she had been concerned about John’s state of mind lately, and wondered whether he was the one having an affair. Brian never brought up the late nights to Sarah again, although he thought about it constantly. He even convinced himself that Sarah might have been right. Maybe she had always come home at that time.

Sarah told Brian he needed to go to therapy “to figure out why you feel the need to persecute me.” She attended one session with him but was bristling from the start, telling the therapist that she wasn’t sure what was wrong with Brian but that he needed to figure it out or she was leaving him. Then, Sarah started coming home reeking of liquor. Brian tried to push his thoughts of Sarah’s behavior out of his head. However, one night he caught Sarah in an intimate phone call. When confronted, she denied having an affair. Brian finally learned the truth when the wife of one of Sarah’s coworkers contacted him. It turns out that Sarah and this woman’s husband had been having an affair for at least six months. As Sarah left the home for good, her parting words to Brian were, “If you were a better husband, I wouldn’t have had to seek companionship elsewhere.” Brian wondered why he hadn’t just “cut and run” when he was first dating Sarah and she admitted she was living with her boyfriend. He realized, in retrospect, that he’d liked the fact that he’d “won” Sarah when she decided to move in with him. But now he realized that Sarah’s cheating and then jumping into a new relationship was a red flag. In the future, he would look for these warning signs before making a commitment. He also worked at learning why he was attracted to someone like Sarah.

There are some key features to these stories that I see over and over again with survivors of gaslighting (Sarkis 2017). Gaslighting spouses (or partners):

Are caught cheating, and their spouse doesn’t bring it up due to fears of violence and/or retaliation

Have a history of cheating in previous relationships

Openly flaunt their cheating, relatively sure that their spouse won’t confront them

Project their cheating onto their spouse. This acts as a distractor from the gaslighter’s cheating.

Change routines and behaviors to hide cheating or substance abuse, and then deny these changes when asked.

Respond to a perceived “bad” behavior from their spouse in a way grossly out of proportion to the event. This response can include stalking and threatening behaviors.

If in couple’s therapy, tell the therapist that it is their spouse’s fault, and imply or outright state that the spouse needs to “be fixed” for the marriage to continue

Have been sending up red flags from the time the couple started dating, but their spouse either wasn’t aware that these were warning signs, or chose to ignore them

Blame their spouse for their own cheating, often claiming that the spouse has not been fulfilling their needs

Never apologize, yet expect an apology from their spouse

Are delusional in their views of being “wronged”

Immediately drop their spouse if accused or found out, refusing to communicate with the spouse—almost as if the spouse dropped off the face of the earth

I cannot emphasize this enough: No one causes a spouse (or partner) to cheat. You didn’t cause your spouse to cheat. Your spouse cheated of his own free will. Your spouse had options—including talking to you if he had any concerns about the relationship, making an effort to attend couple’s therapy, or simply discontinuing the relationship. Cheating was a choice he made.

It is also important to note that your spouse did not cheat because you were lacking something, no matter what your spouse says. Your spouse cheated because gaslighters crave newness and attention. Even if you could do “everything perfectly,” whatever that means, the gaslighter still has a bottomless pit of need that can never be filled. You would be blamed for the cheating no matter what.

Taking personal responsibility is not a characteristic of gaslighters—they always believe it is someone else’s fault. And they rarely feel empathy or remorse. This is another example of ego-syntonic behavior that I mentioned earlier.

If you discover that a gaslighting partner has been unfaithful, make sure you get tested for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). The gaslighter, although he may have told you otherwise, really doesn’t care about your well-being, including your sexual health. He most likely did not use protection when he was cheating. You were the furthest thing from his mind.

For more research on where to get low-cost STD testing, see the Resources section at the end of this book.

LOVE-BOMBING, HOOVERING, AND STONEWALLING

When Josie met Jamie, it was love at first sight. On their first date, Jamie said to her, “I know this is really early to say something like this, but I think we could be together for a long time.” Jamie showered Josie with gifts and trips, telling her, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone.” Jamie talked with Josie about marriage and kids within their first week of dating. Josie described feeling “high” from Jamie’s attention. She wound up spending all her time with him, and eventually stopped seeing her other friends. Jamie said they were “bad influences” on Josie and constantly reminded her that she was happier when she wasn’t around them. “I had never been treated with so much adoration—I was put up on a pedestal.”

After a few months of “bliss,” Josie started experiencing Jamie’s stonewalling. He would completely ignore her, without Josie’s knowing what she had done to upset him. She would wrack her brain trying to figure it out. Jamie wouldn’t return calls, “which made me worried and made me contact him more.”

Josie’s sister told her she needed to stop contacting Jamie and wait for him to contact her. “It was one of the hardest things for me to do, because I still didn’t know what I did wrong.” Josie now spent her time waiting for Jamie to call and scouring the Internet for articles on what to do when your partner ignores you.

Two weeks later, she got a text from Jamie. It said, “Your bike is here.” Josie said her heart raced and she got butterflies in her stomach. She answered his text right away. “Are you okay? Where are you?” This was met with more silence. After some heavy crying, she texted, “I can’t do this. I just don’t understand anymore.”

A few hours later, she got a knock on her door. It was Jamie, with her bike—and flowers. “He told me that we needed to go bike riding together, like, right now. I felt really uncomfortable about it, but I went anyway.” During the bike ride, Jamie didn’t mention anything about his disappearing or lack of communication—instead, he talked about moving in together. “It was like nothing had happened at all. I chalked it up to him just needing some space.”

About two months after they reconciled, Jamie started the silent treatment again—and it went off and on like this for two years. The times in between the stonewalling became “worse and worse. We stopped having what I called ‘honeymoon’ periods.” Jamie went from asking her to move in with him to saying he had changed his mind “because I was unstable. He kept me hanging in there with his promises that we would take things to the next level. Then it would fall apart again.”

Josie said of Jamie, “Looking back, Jamie looked great on paper—smart, educated, funny.… but now that I really look at it, there were some red flags from the beginning. He had cut off contact with his brother and sister several years prior, and he was always blaming people at work for why he never got a promotion. He also criticized me more and more over time, especially for things I couldn’t change—like my family.”

Love-Bombing

Gaslighters are amazingly good at keeping their pathology in check until they know you are hooked. The first time your partner blatantly lies, you think you must have misheard him; after all, the person who was showering you with love just wouldn’t do that. But he will, and he will continue to blatantly lie. Gaslighters erode your perception of reality until you feel you cannot function normally without them.

Love-bombing is a way that gaslighters get you hooked. In the case of Josie and Jamie, Jamie showered Josie with gifts and told her everything he knew she wanted to hear about the kind of future they’d have together. Jamie also quickly zeroed in on getting a commitment from Josie. When a gaslighter love-bombs you, it is hard to get away. The attention you receive is intoxicating. It’s like nothing you have experienced before. Finally, you think, someone is treating you the way you want to be treated. That pedestal he puts you on feels damn good. But eventually you will always fall off it, and it is a long way down.

Hoovering

With gaslighting, we also use the term hoovering to describe the way gaslighters will suck you back in if they feel you checking out. (Yes, it comes from the vacuum of the same name.) When Jamie cut off contact with Josie, and when Josie stopped reaching out to him, he swooped in immediately—and started talking about moving in together. If gaslighters get any inkling of perceived abandonment, they work at sucking you back in. They put on the full-court press to get you back in their clutches.

Nothing causes fear in gaslighters more than the feeling of abandonment. This abandonment is what is known as a narcissistic injury. Gaslighters have an endless pit of need—a need for attention. No matter what you do, you will never be humanly capable of fulfilling gaslighters’ needs. They will always turn to something or someone else to fill that void. When they find that something or someone else to transfer their attention to, they will drop you like the proverbial hot potato. It is heartbreaking and confusing. When you first see a gaslighter’s facade crack, it can be startling to see who is really underneath.

It’s very normal to feel like it is your fault for not noticing the instability of a gaslighter earlier in your relationship. However, keep in mind that gaslighters are masters at acting “normal.” In fact, love-bombing is just an exaggerated form of what most people do when dating and starting a relationship. You’re attracted to each other and feel excitement. The difference is, in a healthy relationship you each still retain your own identity and activities. You want but don’t need the other person. In love-bombing, that wooing is cranked up to an extreme level. The gaslighter wants you to need him to be the kind of person he is projecting on to you; he wants to make sure you don’t see the insecure person underneath.

With hoovering, gaslighters give you just enough to string you along. It can be in the form of suggesting, if not outright promising, something you’d like. If in the beginning of your relationship the two of you talked about getting married and this has never materialized when you bring it up, all of a sudden after stonewalling the gaslighter starts saying maybe he’s ready. In Josie’s case, it was Jamie’s talk about moving in together. Be aware: these plans never materialize. The gaslighter knows just how to get you hooked back in with the promise of something you want.

Often, gaslighters also will use objects to reel you back in. You will get texts and e-mails about things he has of yours. He’ll say, “I have your stuff. Come get it or it’s going to the curb” or “Do you want your chair/bike/clothes?” Be aware that it is not the gaslighter’s intention to give you back these items and then leave you alone—it is just a pretense to get back in contact with you.

Hoovering also involves gaslighters’ wanting physical contact. Don’t be surprised if the sex is better than ever. It appears your gaslighter is actually connecting with you emotionally. Giving you the physical contact you have craved is another way the gaslighter strings you along and gets you hooked again. It won’t last.

One of the most confusing parts of a relationship with a gaslighter is that it isn’t 100 percent bad. Just as in any other abusive relationship. When the gaslighter is hoovering, it actually feels pretty good, almost as good as the person behaved toward you in the beginning of your relationship. When things are going this way, it’s hard to remember that the hoovering is a means to an end. But it is. It will stop.

“I actually had to ask her for an apology. And even then it was, ‘I’m sorry you’re so sensitive.’”

—Liz, 60

As with all gaslighting, it’s about seeing the behavior patterns and knowing when you’re being had.

Stonewalling

I’ve used the word stonewalling a few times already in this chapter without explaining it. Stonewalling is the disappearing act or radio silence gaslighters will treat you to when they get caught and feel that they have been “done wrong,” or just prefer to not talk about something because it’s more convenient for them that way. If you don’t live with them, you won’t see or hear from them. They will not answer texts or calls. Meanwhile, you grow more anxious the longer you don’t hear from them. In the case of Josie and Jamie, Jamie would stonewall Josie; he’d just stop communicating with her and disappear for periods of time, then reappear when he wanted to.

Does it bother gaslighters that their silence is tormenting you? Far from it. They love that their behavior causes you to get upset. If you live with a gaslighter, stonewalling can get so bad that the gaslighter acts as if you don’t exist—even when you are right in front of him.

What’s the best way of dealing with stonewalling? Go radio silence yourself. Don’t let on that stonewallers’ behavior bothers you. Again, they are seeking a reaction. Don’t give it to them. Carry on as if their behavior makes not one iota of difference in your life. Because in reality, it doesn’t. Remember, gaslighters don’t have any real power over you.

GETTING OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GASLIGHTER

Getting counseling is imperative when you are considering ending a relationship with a gaslighter, or have already done so. You may feel isolated, helpless, anxious, and depressed. These are all very common feelings when leaving someone who is abusive. You may continue having these feelings for quite a while after you have left a gaslighter. You are learning how to rebuild your self-concept, your self-esteem, and your life. For more information on counseling, see Chapter 12.

“I stayed with him and defended him because I didn’t understand what his behavior was doing to me. He’s highly intelligent, and was able to get away with stalking me when he manipulated the police.”

—Daisy, 50

Here comes the tough love. If you are in a relationship with a gaslighter, you need to end it. It is an abusive relationship, and it will not improve. You need to get out. Please, please do the following, with the support of family and friends if you can:

Set up blocking rules on your e-mail. Block all her e-mail addresses.

Block calls and texts from her phone.

Block calls from her friends.

Block calls from her parents.

Unfriend and block her on social media.

Unfriend people who may report your activities and whereabouts to the gaslighter.

If possible, move to a part of town where you are less likely to run into her.

If you can’t move, avoid places you know she frequents.

You need to end this relationship. This cannot be stressed enough. Things will only get worse with the gaslighter. So maybe this time, you didn’t get an STD from her cheating on you.… but what about the next time? If you stay, it’s almost guaranteed there will be a next time. In addition, if you hang in there, the gaslighter will have proof that she can take advantage of you and you will stay—resulting in more cheating.

“It’s so hard to leave. So hard. To someone else, it might be easy, ‘he treats you like crap, leave.’ But you get to a point where you think you literally can’t survive without him.”

—Winnie, 53

Leaving the gaslighter is a very trying process. It may feel close to impossible to you right now. You would think leaving a gaslighter would be a relief—but instead it causes you the most heartache you’ve experienced in a relationship. How could you be so deceived? Are all women/men like this? The answer is no. They are not all like this.

There is a bright future awaiting you. This relationship is not nurturing your soul or helping you become a better person. It is sucking your energy dry and increasing your depression and anxiety. You are not the person you were when you entered this relationship. Wouldn’t you like to get back to being that bright, vibrant person? It is possible.

Moving Out

If you have items in the gaslighter’s home (or your shared home), have someone else collect them for you. You can also have the police accompany you. First, ask yourself whether you really need those items. Are they valuable or do they have particular significance for you? If the answer is no, consider that maybe they’re just the price you have to pay to regain your sanity. Also, be honest with yourself. Do you really need that stuff, or are you maybe looking for a way to stay connected with the gaslighter? As I suggested earlier, a gaslighter can be like a drug, and you may be looking for a fix. Any contact with the gaslighter opens up the chance you’ll get sucked back in. And the pattern will never change. It’s hard but for your health and well-being you need to stay strong and disconnect.

“I honestly don’t know what I would have done without the help of legal aid. They helped me protect myself and my kids when I left him.… I wasn’t sure how I was even going to get through the day.”

—Sherise, 36

If you are staying in the residence, have someone with you when the gaslighter removes his belongings. The police department can have someone present for your protection and the safety of your property. This is especially important if the gaslighter has firearms in your home. The police can secure the firearms before any other moving begins. Where possible, follow these precautions:

Call the police’s nonemergency number to ask for a police officer to be present while your former partner moves his belongings out. If your former partner has firearms, let the police know, and they can make sure they are moved out of the home securely.

Put the gaslighter’s belongings in the garage or another location, such as a rented storage unit, so he has limited access to your home.

Change your locks and door codes immediately.

If you live in a gated area or have a doorman or household help, alert such staff that from now on this person should not be let into the premises for any reason. Provide a name and photo. If you feel uncomfortable about doing this, be assured that gate guards and doormen consider protecting you as part of their job.

Change the password on your wireless router and on your e-mail and other online accounts.

Consider installing webcams and other forms of security. Some gaslighters have been known to hack into accounts, stalk their exes, and “test” security systems.

Remove your name and contact information from online information search engines. For more information on these sites, see the Resources section at the end of this book.

If you feel that you or your family members’ lives are in danger, contact your court about getting a restraining order against the gaslighter. A restraining order, granted by a judge, states that a person cannot contact you and cannot be within a certain distance of you or your home. This order does not protect a gaslighter from stalking you or threatening you, but you can report the behavior to the police, and the gaslighter can be arrested for violating the restraining order. It can be quite difficult for victims of gaslighters to completely stay away from the gaslighter, due to the gaslighter’s influence on victims. However, victims also need to follow the guidelines of the restraining order, and not contact the gaslighter—under any circumstances. For more information on restraining orders, see the Resources section at the end of this book.

Keep documentation. If your ex contacts you directly or through others, write down the date, time, and exact events, including direct quotes. Notetaking apps or a notebook can be helpful for keeping track of this information. If you have to get the police or an attorney involved, presenting information kept all in one location will make the process much easier for you, and more helpful to them.

There are most likely pro bono (free) legal services available in your community, and domestic violence shelters may accept you. Abuse is abuse, whether it is emotional, verbal, or physical. For more information on pro bono legal services and domestic violence shelters, see the Resources section at the end of this book.

It is not uncommon after a breakup with a gaslighter to feel so despondent that you might try to hurt yourself. Gaslighters really excel at making you dependent on them, and breaking down your self-esteem and self-worth. If you are feeling as though you may hurt yourself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline right now at 1-800-273-8255.

Flying Monkeys

Once you have left a gaslighter, well-meaning friends and relatives may approach you and tell you they think you should give him another chance. They may even tell you that you’ve always been too sensitive or difficult. Chances are, the gaslighter contacted these people to put them up to this. The people who willingly, and sometimes unwittingly, do the gaslighter’s bidding are known as “flying monkeys.” The term comes from the winged creatures who accompanied the Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz. The gaslighter sends these messengers to guilt you back into the relationship. Common flying monkey statements include the following:

I really think you should give him another chance.

I’m sure he really didn’t mean those things. You know you can be difficult sometimes.

He’s really upset right now. I think you should call him.

He said he’s throwing the rest of your stuff on the street.

The two of you were really good together.

I heard he’s interested in someone that might be perfect for him.

Be very clear with these sometimes well-meaning people that you will not talk with them about your ex under any circumstances. If flying monkeys bring up your ex again, shut them down immediately. In extreme cases, you may need to limit or cut off your contact with the flying monkeys as well.

Children

If you have children with the gaslighter, rest assured that in Chapter 8 we will discuss what to do. There are solutions for these situations where you are not able to fully cut off contact. For example, hiring or having a parent coordinator appointed for you can help you navigate the coparenting relationship.

Pets

If you share a pet with a gaslighter, take your pet with you—even if you got the pet together. Your pet’s well-being is at stake. Gaslighters will use a pet as a tool to get you back. They may even hurt or threaten to hurt a pet as a way to get revenge or attention. Contact the police and an attorney if the gaslighter refuses to give you your pet.

It is possible the gaslighter has already abused your pet. As you learned in Chapter 1, gaslighters have little true regard for the feelings or suffering of other living things. Never leave your pet alone with a gaslighter. There is a large chance your pet will “accidentally” get loose or will be put down.

If the pet was the gaslighter’s pet before your relationship, you may not be able to take the animal, but you can still report any abuse you witness or suspect. Expect your gaslighter ex to flaunt “custody” of your pet. The ex-wife of one of my clients posted numerous photos on social media of my client’s dogs with her new boyfriend.

It’s rough, I know, but you have to move on.

Not Sure Whether You Should Leave?

If you’re not sure whether you should leave, stop for a minute and think about someone whom you admire. It could be someone in your family, or someone you’ve never met. What would that person say to you about this situation? What would you say if a friend were in this predicament? Chances are, you’d say leave.

Ask yourself what you have learned from this relationship. What are the positives and negatives of this relationship? Where do you see this relationship in a year? In five years? If you can’t envision yourself with this person even a year from now, it is time to get out.

Are your needs being met? It may be difficult to remember what your needs even are when you’ve spent so much time trying to fulfill a gaslighter’s needs. Healthy needs in a relationship include:

Being listened to and heard

Being yourself without reservation

Receiving physical affection

Being safe

Being respected

How does your relationship fit into your core values? If you’ve been in a gaslighting relationship for a considerable amount of time, you may not be sure about your values and opinions. This is because the gaslighter has eroded your self-confidence to the point where you aren’t sure of what you stand for and what you believe. It is normal to feel lost about these things after being in a relationship with a gaslighter.

A person’s values may include:

Honesty

Kindness

Safety and security

Helping others

What are things your partner ridiculed you about? What are some activities you used to enjoy but were told they were silly or meaningless? Get out there and pick up those activities again. Chances are, you will rediscover yourself quickly if you are engaged in an activity you enjoy.

Are there people in your life from whom you have become distant because of what the gaslighter has told you about them? Would you like to reconnect with them? If so, it may take getting out of your relationship to do so.

Remember that you don’t even need a reason to end a relationship. Also give up the idea of having a civil breakup—that is close to impossible with the gaslighter. It will be painful, it will be difficult, but you will be okay. Maybe not right now, maybe not in the immediate future, but you will be okay.

NOW LET’S LOOK at how to spot a gaslighter when you are on the dating scene, so you can avoid getting into a relationship with one ever again. Once you become aware of gaslighters’ “tells,” you are less likely to fall for their manipulation. Gaslighters give away some of their controlling behaviors even before the first date.