MORE ATTENTION HAS BEEN DRAWN TO SEXUAL HARASSMENT RECENTLY, and that in turn has drawn more attention to domestic violence. Gaslighters are perpetrators of both. Manipulation and control are a way of life for gaslighters, and they try to take everyone down with them. Whether you are experiencing harassment at work, home, or in dating, it is a very real (and continuing phenomenon) that has resulted in victims being questioned as to whether they were really harassed, and also being discredited for speaking out. Domestic violence perpetrators use gaslighting as a way to convince their victims that they are crazy, and no one will believe them if they report that they are being abused. This continues a cycle of escalating abuse that sometimes leads to death.

#METOO

Although the #MeToo hashtag phenomenon began in 2017 on social media due to allegations against movie producer Harvey Weinstein, the actual Me Too movement was started by Tarana Burke in 2005. Harassment by gaslighters has been occurring for a very long time, with women the usual target. The disclosures of Weinstein’s alleged abuse have made it safer for other women to come forward and disclose sometimes years of abuse they suffered by Weinstein and other gaslighters. In the case of Weinstein, these allegations went back three decades, including to a settlement in 1990, yet just now, in 2017, were these stories fulling coming to light.

Why don’t victims come forward earlier? Gaslighters who harass others tend to have quite a bit of power. When victims have come forward, they have been told they will be ruining their career, their family, and/or their reputation by coming forward. They have even been threatened with harm, and their families threatened with harm. And there is the classic “No one will believe you anyway.”

While we don’t yet know whether there has been an overall decrease in harassment since 2017’s #MeToo movement, we do know that more victims are speaking out. Women (and men) have endured harassment for many years, and many victims still do not feel comfortable disclosing their abuse.

We have reached the point in society where it is safer to come out into the light and speak your truth than stay quiet and ashamed for something that is not your fault. However, we still have a long way to go. Speaking out about it is a huge step, but now we need to put into place both parameters to reduce and hopefully eliminate harassment, and measures to provide serious consequences to those that do harass.

We also need to have a clear definition of harassment. You or someone you know may have been told that it wasn’t harassment because you had flirted with that person previously. Or if drinking or drug use is involved, that you “set yourself up” to be harassed or abused. Let me make this very clear: No one “asks” to be harassed or abused. If you are not conscious, you cannot give consent, no matter what a gaslighter may tell you.

Companies, throughout history, have tended to protect themselves rather than coming out against a harasser. Take for instance, Matt Lauer’s firing from NBC’s Today Show. NBC stated that it had no idea that Lauer was allegedly harassing women in the workplace until a colleague came forward. However, in a Vanity Fair article by Sarah Ellison (2017), a colleague of Lauer’s said that he targeted women that were interns, pages, and production assistants—women with less power than he had at NBC. Younger, new employees are targets for gaslighters, as many are starting out at their first job, and getting fired for reporting harassment, or being told that they will never work in the field again if they report harassment, is a very real fear. Further, former employees stated in a Variety article (Setoodeh and Wagmeister 2017) that Lauer had a button under the desk in his office, so he could lock the door from inside.

Such gaslighters wield their power as a weapon to keep victims in their control. They analyze and stalk people like a predator and prey. First, everyone is a potential victim. This can’t be stated enough. However, a person who has free will is of no interest to them. Gaslighters home in on people they sense have vulnerabilities that can be exploited. They know that if you are new to the field and this is your first job, or that they can control your rise in a field where they hold importance, you are less likely to fight their harassment. Their telling you that if you reject their harassment or discuss their behavior with others, you will lose your job and all your prospects in your chosen field, carries a tremendous amount of weight to someone who needs that job. This buys them submission and silence. But now, victims realize there is safety in numbers and are speaking out.

It does appear that more companies are realizing the legal ramifications of not addressing harassment claims immediately. Hopefully this pressure on companies will lead to fewer such incidents overall. For more information on workplace harassment, please see Chapter 4.

DOMESTIC ABUSE

Domestic abuse, also known as domestic violence, relationship abuse or interpersonal relationship violence (IPV), does not discriminate: it impacts all cultures, genders, sexual orientations, and socioeconomic classes.

Verbal

Screaming

Name-calling

Non-constructive criticism

Threats to safety and wellbeing

Being told you are worthless or unintelligent

Shaming about body type

Mimicking a partner

Repeating a partner

Economic

Needing permission to get money

Refusing to share financial information

Refusing to let you do financial management

Putting all items or property in his or her name

Being put on an allowance

Credit and debit cards taken away

Not allowed to get financial items such as credit cards in his or her name

Not allowing partner to have a job or earn money

Taking away or damaging items of value to the partner

Physical

Pushing, slapping, biting, and punching

Cornering someone

Spitting

Pulling hair

Blocking an attempt to leave

Tickling when he or she has been told to stop

Throwing items at a partner

Tearing clothes

Sexual

Rape

Threatening harm if partner does not engage in sexual acts

Threatening to cheat if you do not perform sexually

Ridiculing your sexual ability

Making a partner “earn” sex

Forcing a partner into prostitution

Coercing a partner into sex

Forcing a partner to participate in a threesome

Recording a partner’s sexual activity without his or her permission

Emotional

Showing off or cleaning firearms after threats have been made

Humiliating a partner, particularly in front of others

Constantly comparing partner to others

Alienating partner from his or her children

Accusing the partner of cheating without evidence

Cancelling

Ignoring, also called stonewalling

Saying no one will believe the partner about the abuse

Putting a tracker on the partner’s car

Threatening to report a partner to social services without just cause

Domestic abuse includes verbal abuse, economic abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and emotional abuse. The goal of the abuser is gaining power and control. As you read earlier in this book, gaslighters thrive on gaining power and control over their victims.

Verbal abuse includes screaming, calling names, being told you are worthless, and getting constant nonconstructive criticism. People that are verbally abusive don’t always yell—gaslighters are known for saying very vicious things while they have a smile on their face. Part of the reason for this incongruous behavior is: first, not wanting someone in public catching on to the abuse they are giving out; also, catching their victims off-guard gives them a feeling of control; and finally, if gaslighters are being pleasant, their victims let their guard down long enough for the gaslighters to see an opportunity to strike.

Economic abuse includes gaslighters’ requiring that you ask permission to have money, giving you an allowance, not allowing you to have control over the money you’ve earned, having all items and property in their name only, refusing to share financial information with you, and insisting that they do all the money management, with no input allowed from you. Again, this is all about power and control. If gaslighters refuse to allow you to pay for anything on your own or manage your own money, it’s because they know you are less likely to leave if you don’t have financial independence.

Physical abuse includes cornering individuals, shoving, pushing, intentionally tripping, pinching, tickling people even after they say to stop, pulling hair, biting, spitting, punching, slapping, or pulling at clothes. Blocking the door when someone attempts to leave can also be considered physical abuse, especially when force is used to stop the person from escaping a dangerous situation. It also includes physical abuse of pets and children.

Sexual abuse includes rape, threatening harm if a partner does not perform sexual acts, coercing a partner into sexual acts, forcing a partner into prostitution, withholding sex, or making a partner “earn” sex.

Emotional abuse includes purposely showing off or cleaning firearms or other weapons when threats have been made, humiliating a partner especially in front of others, saying cruel things about a partner when they are easily overheard, turning the children against the partner, accusing the partner of having an affair without any evidence, canceling plans as a punishment for something the partner supposedly said or did, canceling a partner’s plans with friends or family without the partner’s consent, telling the partner she is losing her mind, falsely telling the partner that she never said or did something, telling the partner in detail about how great previous partners were, name-calling the partner, and teasing the partner.

Some of the most common tactics used by gaslighters qualify as emotional abuse. Gaslighters know that emotional abuse doesn’t leave visible damage, like bruising or scars, as physical abuse can. To gaslighters, emotional abuse is ideal—it is a way of gaining control while still looking like a pillar of the community. A gaslighter may threaten that if the victim comes forward, no one will believe her because he is such a beloved figure. Others in the victim’s life may say the same thing: “If you say something, you will destroy his career.” It is clear in such cases why victims have not shared their stories.

LEVELS OF VIOLENCE

One of the insidious things about domestic violence is that it doesn’t start out with outward aggressive violence. It can begin with partners being possessive, or telling their partner that what she’s wearing is too revealing. It can then ramp up to name-calling and shoving. Then it escalates into threatening, then physically harming the partner. If a person does not remove herself from the violent situation, death from domestic violence is a very real possibility. There is no time table to how quickly or slowly domestic violence behaviors ramp up—but what is known is that they do increase over time. The intensity of the violence, how long it lasts, and how frequently it occurs worsen, almost always.

THE ABUSE CYCLE

People who are abusers don’t always behave abusively—and that is just one of the reasons that victims find it difficult to leave. If you are with a person who is abusive 50 percent of the time, but good to you the other 50 percent of the time, it can cloud your judgment. Remember that even if a person is occasionally abusive toward you, it is still an abusive relationship. Gaslighters aren’t usually 100 percent bad—if only it were that easy. They can still have moments of behaving humanely. (Usually those times are preceded by the realizing by gaslighters that you are on to their game—gaslighters’ fear of being exposed kicks in quickly.)

In Chapter 2, you learned how gaslighters start a relationship by “love-bombing” you. They come on way too intensely—the proverbial “sweeping you off your feet.” It feels like nothing you have experienced before. They tell you that you are perfect, that you are the most wonderful thing that has happened to them, that they have waited their whole life for you. However, the tide will turn eventually.

When you fall off the pedestal a gaslighter has placed you on, nothing will get you back on it. Nothing. Gaslighters go from idolizing you to devaluing you. Now you can’t do anything right, in their eyes. They’ll tell you they wonder what they ever saw in you. You may have seen smaller signs of abuse in the beginning of your relationship—a little comment about your weight or appearance, or a comment about how you are clumsy or even not that bright. When you exhibit vulnerability or uncertainty, the gaslighters’ manipulating and shaming behavior rapidly escalates.

Now the gaslighters may tell you that your family are terrible, useless people. They may say that your friends are bad influences, and that they dress “trashy” or “slutty.” They’ll tell you that you always come home with a bad attitude when you visit your friends and family, and you need to spend less time with others for the sake of your relationship. Gaslighters threaten to leave you because you don’t devote enough time to them or the relationship. They tell you that this is the worst, most unfulfilling relationship they have ever been in.

If you wonder whether they might be cheating, they’ll say that you are crazy and call you paranoid. They tell you that maybe they should go ahead and cheat, because you keep accusing them of it. If you have proof of their infidelity, gaslighters still insist they haven’t cheated, and that the person who is messaging them is a crazy ex who is obsessed with him. They tell you that they’ve wondered about your mental health for quite a while, and that accusing them of cheating proves you have issues.

You say you’re going to leave, or that you can’t take it anymore. All of the sudden, gaslighters act repentant. They tell you they’ll do anything to make things better. They bring you flowers, make you dinner—everything that you have wanted them to do. But they don’t really have good intent behind this behavior—they’re just worried about losing power and control over you. In Chapter 2 you learned about “hoovering”—gaslighters trying to suck you back in. Once gaslighters know they’ve got you back under their control, the pattern of abuse returns and escalates again.

This cycle of honeymoon phase to violence to repentance to honeymoon phase never ends. Be aware that every time you go through this cycle, the abuse will become worse and worse. Your best option is to get out of the relationship.

GETTING OUT

Once you stand up to them, you’ll see gaslighters change quickly. They will go from shocked, to angry, to repentant. The bottom line is that gaslighters don’t want their behavior to become public knowledge. That would ruin their image.

When victims tell a gaslighter they are leaving, or when they say they are reporting the gaslighter’s abuse, they are often told:

“Who would believe you?”

“I have a powerful job, you are nothing. No one will believe you.”

“You’ll ruin your career.”

“You’ll ruin my career.”

“Go ahead; everyone thinks you are crazy already.”

“Sure, call the police. You know they’re going to arrest you, and not me, right?”

“They’ll arrest both of us. You really want your kid put in foster care?”

“They’ll take the kids away from you.”

“I’ll take the kids away from you.”

“Do that, and you’ll never see the kids again.”

“You’ll have nowhere to live.”

“I’ll make sure I tell them about all the times you abused me.”

“What, I don’t pay for enough in your life? Who do you think put a roof over your head?”

Some domestic violence victims have recorded the gaslighter’s behavior on their phone while the gaslighter berates them. Gaslighters don’t want others to see their true colors, so this can stop their behavior quickly. However, it can also lead to the gaslighter destroying the victim’s phone, or denying access to a phone. Be careful if you take this route.

A gaslighter who pays your phone bill may say that he has the right to look through your phone at any time. He may also take your phone away so that you have no access to contacting friends and family. If you are planning on leaving, get a second, “burner phone”—a phone whose number you do not give out except to a few emergency contacts. This allows you to still have some form of communication with the outside world if the gaslighter takes your phone away. If you are paying your own phone bill and the gaslighter breaks your phone or takes it, that is considered willful destruction or theft of your own property, and you can file a police report.

Dr. Judith Wuest and Marilyn Merritt-Gray (2016) wrote there are four stages to leaving an abusive relationship: counteracting abuse, breaking free, not going back, and moving on. First, you need to make a plan. Where will you go? Do you have an “emergency” bag packed with essential items, such as medication? What domestic violence shelters are available? What options do you have for legal services? For more information on domestic violence shelters and low-cost to pro bono legal services, see the Resources section at the end of this book.

“I’ve been threatened, my kids have been threatened—even my pets. I’m working on getting out, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was terrified.”

—Fatima, 38

Leaving may be one of the most difficult things you will do in your life. Your job is to take care of yourself and your children the best way you can—and to never go back to this relationship. You also need to be aware of signs in the future that a potential partner may be a gaslighter and have abusive tendencies. To learn more about red flags of gaslighters, see Chapter 3.

It is imperative that you and your children receive counseling. Most likely you have been through years of abuse trauma, and you need someone to talk to for you to process all the feelings and damage that may have occurred, and to build up your self-esteem and independence so that you do not go back again. For more information on counseling, see Chapter 12.

Be very aware that abusive relationships do not improve. They continue to escalate, many times ending in death. Gaslighters are not people who are going to see the error of their ways, make a heartfelt apology, and work hard to improve themselves. They can talk all they want, but you know they have made no real attempt to get help or improve their violent behavior. Gaslighters are all talk, and will always be all talk. It is time to give up the idea that the two of you can work this relationship out. It ended with the first signs of control and abuse.

SIGNS OF IMPENDING FATAL VIOLENCE

You need to know that getting out of an abusive relationship may be your only chance for survival. If you are in an abusive relationship with a gaslighter, and he has any of the following characteristics, you are more prone to being killed as a result of domestic violence.

Firearms in the home

Prior history of domestic violence

Prior history of any violent behavior

Family history of domestic violence

The violent incidents have become increasingly physical in nature

Verbal threats, not just blatantly stating he will kill you, but also indirect statements, such as “You won’t be a problem much longer.”

Affiliation with known violent criminals

Has abused, maimed, or killed pets, either previously or in your relationship

You need to get out now. You will either leave this relationship, or there is a very real possibility that you and your children will be killed. Peter Jaffe PhD and his colleagues reported in a 2017 journal article that your child is more likely to be killed by an abuser as revenge, upon separation, and if there is a prior history of domestic violence. They also found that more than half of the almost 40,000 children killed each year are killed by their fathers or stepfathers.

So, if you don’t leave for your own well-being, at least leave for your child’s well-being.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND ITS IMPACT ON CHILDREN

When you are the victim of domestic violence, you have less of you emotionally available to your children. A study by Dr. Mariana Boeckel and her colleagues in 2015 found that the more severe the domestic violence is, the weaker the quality of the emotional bond between mother and child. The weaker the quality of the emotional bond between mother and child, the more severe is a child’s post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

If you are exposing your child to domestic violence, there is a greater risk that your child is also witnessing the gaslighter mistreating his pets. A study by Dr. Shelby McDonald and colleagues in 2017 found that domestic violence in the home greatly increases the chance that your child has emotional trauma from seeing a pet be abused. The gaslighter’s abuse of a pet was done in a deliberate effort to control the child.

TRAUMA BONDING AND STOCKHOLM SYNDROME

One of the most difficult aspects of domestic violence to understand is that every time an abusive event happens in a relationship, there is a chemical reaction in the brain that bonds the couple together—even when one is perpetrator and one is victim. This is called trauma bonding. What is called Stockholm syndrome can also occur in abusive relationships. This is when an abuse victim feels empathy toward an abuser and will even defend him and his abusive behavior. Trauma bonding and Stockholm syndrome are two reasons that people who are victims in abusive relationships with gaslighters find it so difficult to leave. It can be incredibly difficult to leave; if you recognize yourself in this situation, please see Chapter 12 and the Resources section for additional suggestions on how to get help.

YOU CAN BE ACCUSED BY A GASLIGHTER

The flip side of people feeling safer these days of talking about harassment is that some gaslighters, claiming to be victims of such abuse, make false accusations to punish employers or former partners. Unfortunately, the fact that these are often he said/she said (or he said/he said or she said/she said) situations makes it easy for a false accuser to lie about events that never happened—and it takes legitimacy away from legitimate complaints.

There is no easy way to determine a legitimate from an illegitimate complaint, without hard evidence, such as video. This is one of the reasons that victims of such harassment have not felt comfortable sharing their stories. If you are the victim of a false harassment complaint, consult an attorney.

DATING VIOLENCE

According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (2015), one in five women is raped in her lifetime, with eight in ten women knowing their attacker. Date rape is a very real danger, especially when a woman is with a gaslighter. Rape is about power and control, and that is exactly what gaslighters seek. It is recommended that women never leave a drink unattended when out with a gaslighter on a date, to prevent a drug from being slipped in. It is also important that you have an emergency contact—someone that knows that if you send even a blank text, to come to help you. Always let friends or family know where you will be going when you leave for a date. You can learn more about gaslighter red flags in dating in Chapter 3.

If you find yourself in an abusive situation, please know that you are not alone. There are many suggestions throughout this book for dealing with—and leaving—a gaslighter. One organization you can turn to is the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or www.thehotline.org).

AS YOU’VE LEARNED, gaslighters come from all walks of life; in this chapter, we explored how a gaslighter who engages in harassment and abuse can be a spouse who has power over you or can be someone who is wealthy, powerful, and who knows he can get away with it. The next chapter looks more closely at some of these higher-profile gaslighters.